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To begin....
Ahhhh the first words....probably the most important and certainly the most difficult! How to begin a blog? Why begin a blog? For me it will be a means to say some of those things that are inside that I feel I should keep inside for fear of upsetting anyone I might tell them to, my family and friends and incredibly important to me and the thought that perhaps I might upset them or make them feel uncomfortable doesn't sit well, so usually I try and just present a cheerful front and get on with life.
I shall, I imagine share this blog with those I love but the difference is that they only need read if they choose to, knowing that I will expect nothing.....this is my way of voicing my feelings without having anyone feel obliged to act or try and colve any problems I may feel I have!
I remember my childhood as being pretty much perfect, kind parents who were always right were I needed them to be, no trauma or fear, just happy and safe and everything a childhood should be. We weren't rich but we weren't hungry and we were warm and home was a place where we came to and left any worries at the door with dirty wellies and wet coats.
I think my 'troubles' started when I grew up and married for the first time. I married Kevin pretty much because I thought that this was as good as it gets, my true love had been Gary, met him at 16 and just loved him, he was everything I imagined I wanted in a person, handsome and funny and seemed so worldly to me after my gentle and sheltered childhood....for 4 years we loved each other off and on ( although it was always 'on' for me, he was in the navy and enjoyed the travel and experiences and I would just be around when he came back!) At 20 I suppose we thought things through and decided that perhaps we had too many differences and went our seperate ways, this was, in truth my first experience of true sadness, my first taste of feeling helpless and unable to make life work the way I wanted it to. I met Kevin quite quickly after losing Gary and honestly was pleasantly suprised that I could be with a man who made me laugh, who didn't repulse me and with whom I could imagine being happy......I did tell him once that I didn't think getting married was a good idea and he cried....goodness imagine a man crying because he thought he couldn't be with me.....so that clinched it and we married 7 months after meeting. If only I had known that this man cries when he watched little house on the prairie!! Certainly a case of marry in haste, repent at lesiure here!
Kevin is a man with whom what you see is what you get, nothing under the surface, no deep thoughts, pleasant enough...but basically stupid and incurably selfish.
I imagine that more will be said about him in later blog entries but for now he can disappear into obscurity, I should hate for him to feature too much in my first entry! Suffice to say that his part in the chronicles of my misery are significant and unfortunatley lasted much longer than it should have...ahhh that legacy of inadequacy that trails behind us after a failed relationship.
I have, I think it fair to say, had my share of trails in my adult life, I am drawn to the thought that we invite our life experiences and wonder too often if these things are a result of choices I have made. I can see that some were indeed avoidable, others were cruel fate , choices others made that affected me or mine with devastating consequences and others, well, God given I suppose. I hope to write about many of these things and I warn you that the details will be graphic and so will the feelings I have because of them, I make no apologies for this, after all what good would a dairy / journal, blog be if we held back and wrote only what we think will be appealing to others?
I look forward to your comments ( I think, although I hear that people can be ruthless, we'll see) I hope that this will be a great way for me to voice what for too long has been trapped silenced inside. Welcome to my world, what lies beneath the cheery 'she's a good sort, gosh how does she do it?' face that those near and dear to me see every day.
I shall, I imagine share this blog with those I love but the difference is that they only need read if they choose to, knowing that I will expect nothing.....this is my way of voicing my feelings without having anyone feel obliged to act or try and colve any problems I may feel I have!
I remember my childhood as being pretty much perfect, kind parents who were always right were I needed them to be, no trauma or fear, just happy and safe and everything a childhood should be. We weren't rich but we weren't hungry and we were warm and home was a place where we came to and left any worries at the door with dirty wellies and wet coats.
I think my 'troubles' started when I grew up and married for the first time. I married Kevin pretty much because I thought that this was as good as it gets, my true love had been Gary, met him at 16 and just loved him, he was everything I imagined I wanted in a person, handsome and funny and seemed so worldly to me after my gentle and sheltered childhood....for 4 years we loved each other off and on ( although it was always 'on' for me, he was in the navy and enjoyed the travel and experiences and I would just be around when he came back!) At 20 I suppose we thought things through and decided that perhaps we had too many differences and went our seperate ways, this was, in truth my first experience of true sadness, my first taste of feeling helpless and unable to make life work the way I wanted it to. I met Kevin quite quickly after losing Gary and honestly was pleasantly suprised that I could be with a man who made me laugh, who didn't repulse me and with whom I could imagine being happy......I did tell him once that I didn't think getting married was a good idea and he cried....goodness imagine a man crying because he thought he couldn't be with me.....so that clinched it and we married 7 months after meeting. If only I had known that this man cries when he watched little house on the prairie!! Certainly a case of marry in haste, repent at lesiure here!
Kevin is a man with whom what you see is what you get, nothing under the surface, no deep thoughts, pleasant enough...but basically stupid and incurably selfish.
I imagine that more will be said about him in later blog entries but for now he can disappear into obscurity, I should hate for him to feature too much in my first entry! Suffice to say that his part in the chronicles of my misery are significant and unfortunatley lasted much longer than it should have...ahhh that legacy of inadequacy that trails behind us after a failed relationship.
I have, I think it fair to say, had my share of trails in my adult life, I am drawn to the thought that we invite our life experiences and wonder too often if these things are a result of choices I have made. I can see that some were indeed avoidable, others were cruel fate , choices others made that affected me or mine with devastating consequences and others, well, God given I suppose. I hope to write about many of these things and I warn you that the details will be graphic and so will the feelings I have because of them, I make no apologies for this, after all what good would a dairy / journal, blog be if we held back and wrote only what we think will be appealing to others?
I look forward to your comments ( I think, although I hear that people can be ruthless, we'll see) I hope that this will be a great way for me to voice what for too long has been trapped silenced inside. Welcome to my world, what lies beneath the cheery 'she's a good sort, gosh how does she do it?' face that those near and dear to me see every day.
posted by The other me | 4:47 pm
3 Comments:
Well, I'm not sure why people create blogs...but I'll probably read yours now and then anyway lol. I used to keep a diary as a kid and quite enjoyed writing stuff in it--it was fun to share the fun things I did and a helpful way to let off some steam, too. Maybe that's what you are going to do. Of course I didn't share mine w/ anyone (except for the fun stuff, which I got a kick out of reading to family years down the line).
Thanks for inviting me to read your blog. Maybe this is our substitute for the personal letters of old!
Christine
I think , for me, it is a form of therapy! Letting off steamand voicing thoughts that have felt 'stuck' for so long..in writing, knowing that this could be read by anyone....helps me feel I am actually telling it how it is, without the worry that I am asking for anyone to actually DO anything. Sometimes when we tell friends or family what we feel they feel pressure to act and 'help' which then, of course, adds pressure on us for telling them! Helen.
( It's also great fun for me, I feel I get to talk, about whatever I feel like, without knowing if I am boring anyone!
I just found your blog through Moobear. I have started at the very beginning of your blog. I like you already. Can't wait to read more!
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