Are you ready for this?

It's actually rather splendid getting older, I admit that the chin whiskers would take over if I wasn't on constant beard watch, the grey in my hair is a sweet memory and when I leave my hair undyed for longer than 3 weeks I see that actually, my hair is snowy white now, lawks. That's not something that fills me with much joy but on the whole, getting older is quite lovely.
I was putting my pyjamas on the other night ( still know when to do what, that's a plus) and I always put the top on before the bottoms ( riveting, I know) and I pulled my pyjama pants on and as I looked down, blow me if the top wasn't tucked in the bottoms, like some dear old lady determined to hold it all together and rather than feel horrified I was actually quite happy as I thought to myself " Not long and you'll be able to get away with that, in the day, outside, in public"
When I was young, I would look at older ladies, with their stretchy waisted trousers and slip on shoes and wonder what in the world had happened, no-one in their 20's or even 30's thinks that elasticated waist polyester trousers are OK. Ever.
Yet look around and you will see old ladies wearing them with such pride, some with creases ironed in, the very posh older lady will wear those skirts, of a certain flowery material, in vibrant pinks and purples that no-one under 50 would ever dream of wearing. Is there an old lady shop that I don't know about because I swear I haven't ever seen those skirts in a shop, ever yet so many older ladies have them.
I adore old ladies, I do, I love to see them walking through town and I always want to talk to them and ask them their stories and I rejoice in their ability to wear their shirts tucked into their stretchy waistbands.
I don't mind at all hurtling towards being a member of that club.
I think my ovaries are having a last hoorah, I find myself for only the second time in my life, so painfully broody. I feel as though I want one last baby, especially a baby girl, one with curly hair and big brown eyes. Oh what a beautiful baby she would be.
I think, also, that the desperation is stronger because I can't have any more babies. I am sure that if H hadn't had a vasectomy and I wasn't so old and creaky, I wouldn't give having a baby another thought. If the choice was there, I probably wouldn't want one. Probably.
I am just indulging my feelings by thinking of how lovely it would have been and not telling myself how this poor old body would collapse if a new person were to grow inside it, never mind have to look after a baby again.

I find, also, as I get older that the need to tell other people how to live their lives is almost overwhelming, especially famous people. I read all about these youngsters splitting up and moving on to the next 'love' 2 weeks later and I want to bang their stupid heads together.
I even think in sentences that start with " now listen here!" and " what in the world?"
My sister called me the other day, she is 4 years older than me and she doesn't have little children to help her think she is younger than her 50 years, so she called me to tell me, with both horror and pride that as she came out of Asda, she saw some hoodlum throw his empty pop bottle on the ground. She said before she knew what was happening she had picked it up and was running behind them saying " EXCUSE ME!!! HEY! You dropped THIS!!! HEY!!! Come back here and put it in the bin!"
She told me how the other part of her head was yelling at HER saying " SHUT UP! You stupid old bag, they'll turn around and beat you up..what are you DOING! You are making a holy show of yourself!" But that other part, the one that was actually yelling after 2 young men, just kept shouting and running after them. Even when they turned around and said " Wasn't me lady" she said " YES , yes it WAS because I SAW you! Put. it. in. the. bin!"

I am considerably less willing to deal with drama and nonsense. The longer you live, the more you learn what is really important, the easier it is to walk away from situations that are getting you nowhere. Life is so short and it's such a shame to waste any of it in futile pursuits.
Life is about giving and gaining good things, knowledge and friendships, memories and joy.
Perhaps it's because I will be 47 this month I am noticing how my place in life is changing, how the things I find important are so different to those that mattered 20 years ago.
There is such joy in the smallest of things. Time is more precious and what I do with my time seems to matter more.

It's not all bad getting older, especially when you think of the alternative!

Labels: just thinking

I have this theory, it isn't mine exactly but I believe it. I believe that we meet people in this life, that we knew before.
I am sure we didn't just 'happen' that we come from somewhere, that we were made just the way the Lord wants us to be, we come here to fulfill a purpose and then we go on to continue who were are, for eternity.
I am sure that as we travel through this life, we come across people we already know.
For me, I meet people and I have one of 3 reactions, I love them, I recoil from them or I look at them and tell myself that this one, well, we'll see, nothing there that makes me jump back and run the other way but no spark, nothing to make me feel this is someone I will love. ( does this all sound like it's all about ME? Oh good, because it is.)
I have super friends, real honest to goodness friends and usually, I love my friends for always.
Sometimes I meet someone who seems lovely and yet, something doesn't gel, even though I can't put my finger on a reason, it doesn't get past the chit chat phase. That's fine because we can't be friends with everyone we meet, how sickly would that be?
Then, there are those times when you see someone, you bump into them and every sense is heightened, I love that, I love that those moments are not confined to age or gender, sometimes you can meet someone, quite by chance and you know that somehow you have always known that person, that this is just a reunion of sorts.
I did that today.
For a few years I have been online friends with someone, on a message board for mormon mums, I left that board forever ago but kept in touch with Karen, we have met up before on a crazy thanksgiving at our house and today I drove down to see her again before she moves from Cornwall, back to America, from whence she came. Her husband is in the US military and they are moving back to the USA, they had a couple of years in Italy and a couple more in England.
I was so glad to be able to see Karen and her family again, she has 3 delicious children, Natalie, Robbie and Clayton. I met Natalie and Robbie before on that busy thanksgiving day, both so little and Clayton is a teeny weeny boy, a new one that I hadn't met before ( oh tiny boys, is there anything nicer? I think not) Anyway, I didn't get lost, not really, I went the scenic route but I didn't get lost and I loved seeing the old familiar roads of Cornwall and some new ones too, the scenery and countryside is out of this world, truly breathtaking....









I stopped on the way home and took those pictures, I stood in one spot and took them, just look at how glorious that is. When I see countryside like this I know God exists, mistakes or explosions don't make beauty like this.
Anyway, I arrived and waiting in the tiny narrow lane was Karen and Natalie and Robbie. I got out of the car and Natalie came right over, she grabbed my hand and I felt that feeling.
This little girl has always been my friend.
We sat and chatted for a while and she drew me pictures and wrote me notes, the whole time I was thinking how happy I was to be near her, then she put down her notepad and she snuggled right into me, you know what you just have that urge to squeeze the breath out of someone when you see them after a long time? She did that and I squeezed her right back.
Then, she did something that was so touching it almost brought tears to my eyes, she got hold of my shirt, stuffed her face into it and she breathed in really deeply. Then she just looked at me and smiled.
I almost asked her if I was stinky but her little face showed me that I wasn't. ( and when I got in the car I sniffed right where she had and it smelled rather lovely of fabric softener and fresh air)
What a precious thing it is to feel that with someone, especially a little person because they are just so open.
There have been many times when I am so happy to see someone that I want to grab them and just breathe them in, take great big lungs full of their smell, squeeze the breath out of them and just have them know that I love them, without saying a word. Old age stops me doing that, which is a shame, after today I might just go with it because I feel like I won the lottery today.
The moment was over in a flash but will stay in my heart forever and I am sure that even when Natalie is old and married, when she is a mother and can barely remember living in England, I will still be her friend.
I asked her, after she sang me the sweetest song, on the way to school, if when she came home from school and I wasn't there, if she would sing that again and have her mommy put the video on the computer for me so I can watch it again and again and she said " Yes, she'll put it on Face Book because when you put things in the computer they stay there and you can look at them again and again, even when I am in America you can still see me if I am in your computer can't you?"
That's what I love about the computer, I get so many great things from my computer, a husband, great friends and all manner of treasures. I love that distance dissolves, it's so easy to forget there is an ocean between us as we chat and laugh as is we are in the same room.
I so love my friends, life is so much more colourful, more valuable when you have friends to share it with.
I love that true friendship is so effortless, nothing is hard work, it is entirely possible to go days, weeks even years sometimes without seeing or speaking to someone and then, when the chance arises, it's as though you were never apart.
I am so grateful for friends who understand me, who know without being told how I am, who take the time to tell me I matter. I am even more grateful for friends who don't need to tell me I matter to them because I already know. I know because I am pretty sure I knew them before, way back when.

Labels: real treasure.

I left a message today, to a mum who is feeling what all mothers of small children feel more often than most of us will admit, I just said that Whoa, if it isn't time to forget all that important stuff, you know, all the must do, have to do it because the Supermum badge is waiting, throw that book out the window and just have fun.
Kids screaming? Let them run in the sprinklers and scream with the fun of it all.
Making a mess? Good let them.
Have a day off, really. Don't do it, if you feel like you just can't. Don't.
I said that and I thought that I was really saying what we all know...and then, reading the replies from other young mums, realised that this is something I know THIS time, you know, with my second litter.
I was just about the most uptight, houseproud, supermum badge chasing neurotic young mum of 3 special needs single parent family children you ever knew.
I was damned if anyone was EVER going to look at my poor father abandoned babies and tsk tsk because well, OBVIOUSLY..you know...single parent.
Oh no siree, MY children would always be spotless and polite, people could knock on my door at any time of the day and night and VOILA.....clean skirting boards, tidy bedrooms, mugs hanging on correct hooks ( did you know mugs had special hooks? why yes, they do!)
I did all that and we played all the right games and we had picnics and we did lots of splendid things.
They were delightful little people, all blond headed and squeaky voiced. Then I woke up one day and they were all BIG and deep voiced, all hairy ( the boys of course) and well, for heavens sake if that didn't just sort of happen while I wasn't looking.
Oh.
Sad.
Sad only in that I have moment where I think of all the things we could have done while I was making sure they had socks that matched the T shirts that matched the stitching on the jeans ( you're laughing, I can hear you)
I spent SO MUCH TIME making things shine and tidy, which wasn't horrible at all, I love shiny and clean, I still spend a whole lot of time ironing and you can come and look at my washing line any time you like and it is a sight for sore eyes, oh I have a method that would make your hair curl and I suspect you would be tempted to take a picture ( I am , often but I stop myself because FREAK!!!!!)
The difference is that now...well I know that kids grow, in the blink of an eye. I know that messy front rooms and baskets of washing waiting to be ironed in the middle of the kitchen for days, do not damage a child.
The world does not stop spinning if I decide that staying behind after school so three little boys can jump in the school swimming pool for 2 hours.



We all seem to sleep and wake up alive the next day if I don't cook a 3 course balanced meal because we drove home via the beach and came home sand filled and salty haired when the sun shines.



When kids get weary of having to do everything properly and I get tired of teaching them every damned important thing like saying excuse me and not poking their brothers eye out with that stick....when we all feel like screaming bloody murder, well then that's what we do...we go to the park and ride bikes down STEEP grassy hills and SCREAM because WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOO that's belly flipping FEAR right there and its MARVELLOUS!
When we feel like throwing plates at the wall ..well then we go to the river and throw stones in the water.






When we want to throw ourselves on the floor and kick our feet with frustration we go to the park and climb in the spiderman swing and swoosh and watch the world fly by.
That important stuff, the stuff we read GOOD mothers do?
It's not important all the time.
There is no badge for supermother. No medals or trophies handed out for mothers who get it all right, because nobody does. Ever. Get it all right.
All we can do is do what we think is right and have as much fun as we can doing it.
The very best trophy, reward, prize I have is when my big kids talk about being little.
Jordan said the other day " When I hear my mates talking about when they were little and the crap they went though, my childhood is like a fairytale, we had it really good."
When Mel tells me that Jordan talks about when he was little all the time and how he wants Joshua to have the same kind of life.
Just watching them, because they are such great people. It is all worth it.
Every moment I spent with my fingers in my ears, shut in a quiet room willing myself to stay there and calm down, don't give in to that urge to go and throw them out of the window. It's worth it.
With these little boys, I still have those days where it all seems so headbangingly frustrating, not as many because I have H here to help and also, I CAN look at the big kids and see how beautifully they can turn out even when you somehow stumble along winging it, as they say.
It's just the best thing ever to know that you don't have to be perfect to get things right, you just have to love them and go with your instincts.
Oh it is so worth it.
Jordan proposed to Mel on saturday, it was her birthday and he took her on a boat trip to see Dolphins, they went to dinner and then he took her on a walk along the pier where he proposed, when she said yes, he took her to the restaurant where they work and had birthday cupcakes and engagement cupcakes, a dozen red roses, champagne and balloons that light up..and all her friends.
What a great men he is and all that despite having to have clean hands and regular baths, no dad and a neurotic mother.
Well worth it.

Labels: Parenting. Motherhood

Isaac, yes, MY Isaac, ran in TWO races today at sports day, 2 years ago he refused to wear his P.E kit and held his helper's hand through the whole day. Last year he wore his P.E kit but did not join in, he observed and ignored the crowds.

Today we saw him walk onto the field, wearing his P.E kit.I watched him sit quietly and not join in the cheering and clapping and I wondered what he would do. Then I watched him get in line, in front....crowds cheering,

Then he did this....

And my goodness look at him go! I watch this over and over and I hear my voice crack as I realise he is not only doing it but he is WINNING and whooooooooooooo! ISAAAAAAAAAC!

I can hear people behind me saying " well done ISAAC!"

After the race his teacher ( who was compere, with microphone in hand,) congratulated him, in front of that crowd and asked him if he had velcro on his head. So funny that the other children, in this race, kept dropping the bean bag as they would try and look to see where the other kids were, not Isaac he couldn't care less what other people are doing.

It looks as though he has been practising, he has such a method and the speed...the teacher said over and over before the race, " remember, this race is about balance, not speed, if you go too fast you will lose the bean bag"

I am so proud of this little boy, who still won't go swimming at school, who one day hides, the next shines.

My heart is bursting today because of this boy.

Labels: My Isaac.

Yesterday was a rough day. A horribly rough day and it was totally unexpected.
I have felt so much better lately, almost as normal as can be. I am so relieved to feel so much better. I am sleeping better ( and closer to average sleeping, not that uh oh been awake for 45 minutes must lie down can't keep my eyes open sleeping) and as a result life is infinitely more appealing.
H has been given a calling at church, as a councillor on the young men's presidency and I was excited to go to church and hear that announced, the weather was lovely and the boys well behaved.
We arrived at church and I saw my mum sitting ( here we go) right over the opposite side of the chapel, as far away from the doors as it is is possible to be, but no matter because I am OK NOW! That claustrophobia nonsense was a freaky flash in the pan when I was ill and mental, pttttthhhhhhh I can sit where I like can't I?
So I did, I sat with mum and Lin and we had a lovely lesson, sang lovely hymns and all was fine and dandy.
The lesson over, I waited for H and saved him a seat right next to me.....over here!!! Look where I am! away from the doors! He settled in for sunday school and had I mum one side, H the other and felt pretty darned happy to be there.
Our sunday school teacher is great, he knows his stuff, he encourages discussion and there is often much participation from the class, the class is a big one, I would say easily a hundred people, many just sit and listen, many join in and share opinions, facts, experiences and wisdom.
The theme for the lesson was humility, it was going well and then someone read scripture about a group of people who were so tried, death and destruction, madness and mayhem, children dying, you know, all that kind of cheery stuff. I was still fine because I know all that stuff happened and I understand the need to read and discuss. Now, I like to think I know a bit about the gospel and I certainly understand the way the scriptures can be used in our lives today.
I do not, however, have the ability to retain who is who and where they were, who begat whom and forget any dates, those aren't ever going to find a comfy part of my brain to stick to and stay put.
So, when we start, well, when THEY start talking names and ' we ALL know about....' ( nope, we don't, I have heard it a gazillion times but this person does not know because fa-la-la, I forget.) my mind tends to wander or gallop along the familiar ( wish I knew what he was talking about and HEY how smart is SHE to know all those names and who went where and .....what shall I do for lunch....love sunday afternoons, shall have a nap.....hooray' route.)
So I was mid way through, right about what to do for lunch when my attention was peaked by the discussion about a group of people ( what group you ask? I dunno, I was thinking about tuna pasta salad!) who had it rough, oh so rough, children dying, death and destruction all over the land.....WHY? Well, these were haughty people, disobedient and vain, they needed to be taught humility, the Lord did not cause the misery and the pain...but He did allow it.
( Still fine with all this, the Lord works in mysterious ways etc etc) then, one person said something and my 'never going to get over THAT' brain grabbed it.
Someone mentioned that children were killed......to teach the parents humility and also as a punishment for their actions.
OH NO YOU DON'T!!!! Screamed my brain, quickly followed by the most unbelievable freak out you have ever seen in your life.
Start with " Hmm..hang on, what about 'we believe men shall be punished for their own sins, not Adam's transgressions' that doesn't sound right then does it...they are wicked so let's allow the kids to be slaughtered, that'll teach them' that's a contradiction right there.....I shall put my hand up ( you know, grab myself some attention) how shall I phrase my question....hmmmm see, now that just doesn't sound right and if what he said is true, well then that would mean.....

AND WE'RE OFF!! OH MY GOOD GOD...is he saying that MY kids were hurt because I DID SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE......oh can't breath, ask mum for a tissue because my eyes are leaking and OH I am going puke , well I would puke if I could breathe and what's with the NOT BREATHING...must get some air into my body because ...WHOA the gulping and gasping and WHERE THE HELL IS THE DOOR?!!? Oh no, it's right over THERE and to get to it I must walk past ALL THOSE PEOPLE with my streaming eyes and the not breathing, the gasping and sobbing and hiccuping and WHAT WAS I THINKING??
My dear mum, gave me tissue and said " I have rescue remedy, hold on...oh no I can't find it, here take a muscle relaxant ( which made me snort in between not breathing and crying and hiccuping) I threw caution to the wind and I got out of there, with my head down and a stalwart effort not to vomit or just die on anyone as I past.
People are so kind and I started a pied piper kind of exodus, I tried to get to my car quickly and just go somewhere ( where? Who cares!) when I got to my car, there was another one parked right up by the drivers door and so I had to get in by the passenger door, noticing kind people coming right towards me to see if I was OK.....in my car, steering wheel clasped for support. BREATHE.
In and out. I love breathing, so taken for granted.
I was fine.Once I got out and I was in my car, all safe and well, I spoke with Deb and Julie and I knew that everything I had felt inside was ridiculous.
Naturally, had I stayed inside, I would have heard the points the teacher was trying to get across, had I been able, if I had made my point and asked my question I am convinced that the teacher would have set me straight right away.
The thing is, freaky heads don't work that way.
The absolute easiest thing for me to do is JUST STAY AT HOME! Good heavens if every sunday isn't just a day of insanity. Stay at home and have a lie in, read some scriptures, have a day of rest.
The thing is, I am a stubborn cow, if I think someone is trying to make me do something, I am not about to do it..even if it was something lovely that I was looking forward to.....if I get a whiff of it being expected or forced, forget it. I do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because YOU told me to.
I believe in Christ. I believe in His Father. I don't just think that they exist, I don't just have a warm and fuzzy feeling that they are out there somewhere. In my heart and mind, I KNOW they exist, as sure as I do, they are there, here, everywhere and they want me to succeed.
I absolutely know without any doubt that there is a plan and that we have a part in that plan.
I also believe that everything must have an opposite and if Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ are real, then so is Satan.
I do not believe that he has a forked tail and a pitch fork, I don't think he is red and giving off steam, I do not believe he has a hell filled with fire and brimstone. I am sure that he is apathy, he wants us to fail, he wants us to feel useless and unworthy, he wants us to think that it won't hurt to stay home, that it is BETTER to stay home, he wants us to feel that worldly goods are more important that charity and love.
What a great way to stop me being a regular church going woman! He knows I'm not about to turn into a hell raising, thieving ne'er do well, he knows I know what is true, he knows that no sparkly thing will distract me from the path I have chosen to follow.
He knows that to get to me, he has to be sneaky. Make it tough to walk into the building, make me so afraid that I will make a show of myself AGAIN ( twice in 3 weeks and counting) make it so that next week, well I won't go. The week after? Oh, see, now..what if, I'll stay home again and then the week after THAT? Can't...can't walk through the doors. Before you know it I am popping out to that car boot sale while H and the boys are at church because, well, it's there and I LOVE bargains...who knows after a while maybe I would keep Seth home with me because HE would rather at home with me.
Before you know it, there's a family divided ( because H isn't going to stop going to church) a whole family, sealed in the temple for eternity who can't even do one sunday activity together.
That's who I think the devil is. A low down sneaky git who would rejoice in seeing just one person stop going to church. I think he would count that a major score.
So....I am not going to stop going to church, even if I get there and I sit in the foyer right by the door and stay there for 3 hours breathing smelling salts and guzzling bottles of rescue remedy.
My children are going to see that for me and mine, we go to church on sunday and we show the Lord that this day is His.
Even if that means that my walking in causes a parting of the seas kind of reaction ( uh oh mad lady is here quick SPLIT!! Phew, seems OK she is breathing and not even crying...yet)

And if the devil doesn't like it...he can sit on a tack!


P.S. I think this means that I should probably give up on any ideas I may have been having about flying to Canada or Boston....can you imagine? I am just holding on to the scrap of dignity I am convincing myself I still have, being on National news coverage for freaking out on a plane...that wouldn't help my cause. Dammit.

Labels: depression, testimony.

Good grief. That's about it, the sum of how looking after a just one baby/toddler makes me feel.
How did I forget how to do it so quickly? No word of a lie, I have that baby on fridays when his mummy goes to work ( with his daddy) and I am in a constant state of either panic of befuddlement.
How on earth I managed to be a single parent to 3 little children with special needs, have 2 babies 11 months apart, live alone with 2 babies, 11 months apart while pregnant with baby number 6 and H was in America for 5 months, is beyond me.
When I have Joshua, I don't shop ( not for groceries, we can wander around looking at things until he throws one of his spectacular tantrums, the likes of which I am positive none of MY babies ever threw.)
I don't bring him here because for the love of plugs, this house is absolutely NOT baby proof, not at all , he is in heaven when he is here because WIRES!!! LAPTOPS!!!!! TEENY TINY TOYS!!!!
So, we stay out and we wander, which used to be sort of lovely and we would chat and look at things, he would love to watch the world pass him by. He USED to.
He's all big and walking now and dammit, he wants to WALK!
Last week, Mel said to me, " Oh he won't go in the pushchair anymore" to which I replied " Ahem....see how he big HE is? See how big I am? Guess who's going to win THAT battle"
He threw such a tantrum today that when it was over ( and he was still in his stroller) he had little blood spots along his forehead, from the pressure of ALL THAT SCREAMING!
We went into one shop to buy ME some new T shirts and when I went to pay I handed him a snack and said " Thankyou Grandma" the lady and I were exchanging pleasantries and then she said " Did you say Grandma?" when I said that I had said that she said " Wow, you don't look anywhere near old enough to be a grandma!"
I loved her.
Mel called, after I had picked the boys up from school and taken them home ( dropping them outside the door to avoid bringing him into the death trap house of wiring) and said that she was finished early ( " Oh, did you? Lovely, shall I come and pick you up so you don't have to wait for the train = OH...THANKYOU!!! STAY THERE! I WILL GET YOU! THE TRAIN TAKES TOO LONG! DON'T MOVE!! I AM ON MY WAY!)
I picked her up and together we went grocery shopping. Sitting in the trolley Joshua seemed to be happy watching the shoppers and looking at the shelves..and in a split second ( thankfully when Mel was standing right in front of him) that little git got his legs out of the trolley, stood up and flung himself commando style out of the seat! Mel caught him and we both stood like total morons staring at each other because WHAT IF?!?!?
When I got home, I felt as though I had run a marathon or been awake for 3 days and nights.
The feeling though, of being the grandma is so wonderful. Oh that handing them over at the end of the day? Priceless.
I might not look old enough to be a grandma but I can assure you I feel plenty old enough.

Labels: Joshua

I have a new kid. I have no idea where he came from or who he is, I hope he doesn't stay long because he is exactly the kind of kid I have always been so smug about because, thank the Lord I don't have *that* kind of kid.
The new kid is inside Isaac's body. The beautiful face is the same, the eyes are still great big brown puddles of meltingness. He still gets dressed when everyone else is asleep and still likes dinner for breakfast,
I took the regular Isaac into school, went to pick him up and while I was waiting outside Elijah's classroom, with the regular other parents who have seen Isaac from a little big eyed silent boy, hiding behind his blanket, they know him, they are used to him and many of them love his bizarre little self.
The other regular parents and I were stunned today when this kid that looked like Isaac came hurtling around the corner from the classroom where Isaac learns.....and WHO IS THAT KID???
"YIP! YIP! ECK!!!!!! YIP! "
"Isaac?"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!"
"ISAAC! What in the world? what is that noise?"
"YIP!!!!!! I CAN'T SHUT MY GOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!"
"Please try"
"YIP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. "

4 hours later he was still doing it, not all the time but out of the blue...


YIP!

I wanted to crawl under a soft thing and shut my ears because it is too freaky.
It is so close to a Tourettes kind of yipping.
Every time I forgot he was doing it and we were busy doing something or other,
YIP.....I jumped out of my skin at least 35246 times from when he came home until he went to bed.
Please someone tell me this is a fleeting phase, that he is not about to start doing this on a regular basis. I asked him if he had done that in his class today and he just laughed, this really awful maniacal laugh, which could mean " why yes, I did and my teacher loved it as much as you do, I Can barely wait until tomorrow to do it all over again because this being the center of attention is so GREAT!! What have I been missing YIP! WEEEEEEEEEE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Can they switch? These autistic kids, can they get bored with being a kid with aspergers and upgrade to another level? I truly didn't know who he was today.
We have seen in the past few months a difference in that he has moments where he has some wild running around and jumping spates, he either hates anyone looking at him or he craves it.
It's like he is two different kids. The quiet, selectively mute one and this new FULL VOLUME CRAZY ONE.
I swear as soon as I ever think I just about have all this stuff under control and yep, uh huh, would you look at me because I have it ALL worked out, along comes a new bag of crazy.
Boredom wouldn't be SO bad would it? You know wake up and get through the day and lie down at night thinking " that was OK, nice, yes, my life is ordered and calm"

He didn't go to school at all yesterday, I got up and he was in his pyjamas, ( unheard of on a weekday) he said he felt sick and his eyes filled up and were all sad looking, he went back to bed and all day he was quiet, not sick but very quiet. As soon as 3.30pm came he was miraculously cured.
He should have had swimming yesterday, he went on week one and loved it, wouldn't get in the pool last week, his teacher spoke with me and we thought it was because he forgot he had swimming, he remembered right as he was leaving the house and grabbed Eli's costume, which is the same as his. I understand how that would make him feel uncomfortable and unable to get changed, other than that I don't see why he would want to miss school. No-one ever makes him do things that he finds too hard, swimming isn't a big deal, no one is going to mind if he really can't join in. All we can do is wait until next tuesday to see if we have a problem again.

We don't take Isaac anywhere, from diagnosis to today he has had speech therapy and that's it. We love him, we have muddled along and somehow he is leaping ahead and defying all the bleak sentences he was given when he was 5. This new phase is making me think he should get a check up, I am going to see his teacher and find out of he has been disruptive in the classroom, I hope that it's more a case of having been extra quiet and still he needs to run and shout and YIP YIP it all out of his system when he gets home.
It's still 5 weeks until the end of the school year, I am ready RIGHT NOW for it to be done, the weather has been great and we could have had many a splendid day out, I am tired of uniforms and getting ready early, of packed lunches and routine.
I think the boys are ready too, Seth is, as always so immersed in everything school has to offer he is in as many sports teams as he can manage and is always picked to play for the school in tournaments, he loves school and school loves him, when we walk through the playground after school, kids from reception to year 10 are high fiving him and calling his name, the teeny tots run up to him and he knows all their names, he goes out of his way to wave and call to the kids. I love that he enjoys whatever he is doing at the time.
He can argue with a bare wall, he's like a terrier with a rat.

This has taken a ridiculous amount of time to write and now I am boring myself, why any minute now I am going to run around the front room YIP YIP YIPPING....hey that feels pretty good.

Labels: My Isaac