Are you ready for this?

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Location: United Kingdom

Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Big boobs aren't always a blessing!

This is taken from the front page of our local paper.....

A woman who found herself in a sticky situation in the early hours of yesterday morning had to get firefighters to rescue her.The woman had been on a night out with her boyfriend and a friend, but when they returned to their home around 3am they discovered they were locked out.The woman's boyfriend, a window fitter, was able to open a window in the hope one of the girls could climb through and reach the keys, which they could see on the sideboard.The man's girlfriend was able to get up to the window, which was the smallest window, and reach the keys.
However, manoeuvring back out of the tight space proved rather difficult as her chest got trapped.When fire crews arrived at 4am the girl had already been stuck in the window for about an hour, and using cooking oil had failed to release her.She could not be pulled back out as her chest was trapped by a bar in the window.The crew resorted to cutting the window to free the victim about 20 minutes later - who then gave the crew 'a big hug'.

Oh if only they had pictures! wouldn't that have made a blog entry.. although by the time the fire brigade arrived she was half stripped and plastered in cooking oil!
That's my girl! it wasn't her boyfriend which was the only thing that spoiled the laugh, she didn't like them saying he is! She has a great sense of humour, she whistled with laughter, her chest and back are bruised and grazed today, of course she is showing the world and it's auntie.

My laptop is poorly, it is going into laptop hospital on wednesday for a WEEK! I am using H's snazzy deal but it's not mine, no favourites, no addresses, I am a bit lost and will be stuck for a while until my baby is back! Terrible that we get so attached to a 'thing'.
I think my camera is dying too, I will mind very much if it is, I love my camera and use it most days . The car is due for it's MOT, it's going in on wednesday to find out what needs working on, I know the brakes are worn, I hope it won't cost too much, so much is going on that needs fixing and money throwing at it. We aren't having a good run right now which makes me think that very soon it will all be just hunky dory and whoopdiedoo, won't it??
Ok, this laptop is too weird for me, am going and will be back tomorrow if something blogworthy happens.

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

4 Days.....

Elijah has been like this........

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It is one of Mel's extensions, she gave it to him and he has worn it for 4 days, even to church today, I did make him take it off while church was actually going but as soon as we got home? Right back on. Funny that if anyone says he is pretty, he says " I am NOT a DIRLIE!!" A little worrying the way he swings his head around so that the hair swooshes around his face and you have never seen such a dramatic hair sweep as he wipes it out of his eyes. He has also been wearing high heeled shoes. I hope it is a phase, Isaac is into the shoes as well, the pair of them are mincing around the house clip clopping for all they are worth, Lordie.

Sophie is in pain today, I hear that she was with friends last night and they got locked out..... she climbed through a window and got stuck, had to be cut free by the fire brigade! She is black and blue all over. *sigh* Will she grow up soon???

I am feeling better about the move, I have accepted that this is all real and we will have to leave this house. I am sad but actually am now able to look forward to what is to come, it will be fine. this is a house, we have to leave it but the home comes with us.
I am going back to the council tomorrow with a new eviction letter......worse than the first, the council wrote and said that the original was useless and not worth the paper it is written on, listen to what this one says....

We Eviction properties of could care less lodge, Lording it up, Devon.
Hereby give you notice that possession is required ( by virtue of section 21 housing act 1988) of YOUR home but our house, lovely town, Devon. which you hold as tenants on the 28th April 2007 or at the end of the of the period of your tenancy which will next end after the expiration of two months from the service upon you of this notice.
dated. 4 days after we recieved it 2007.

?????????? no typos, that is just how it is written...of the of the period blah blah.

Honestly....what more can I say?

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Saturday, April 28, 2007

You sure you don't already know?

I was tagged by Christine and no, I'm not writing all those rules or tagging anyone else because I think everyone already did this ...but if you didn't and you want to...... you're IT!

1. Yikes, dare I say and can you tell, that I hate these things? Tag. If I don't get tagged it makes me feel like ' hrumph , don't ask me then, obviously I'm not interesting enough' and if I do get tagged I feel all sort of ' ack, 7 things ( imagine how I felt about the 100 one!) SEVEN?! about me. ME?! What to say, am dull, can't think. Won't do it. Must do it, tagger will think I haven't read their blog or don't care or think I am too grand to do the blasted tag thing. 7 things..........hmmmmmmm.
So, yes, I hate these things but LOOK now I only have to think of 6 things. Yeay.

2. There is someone that I am related to that I really detest. The very mention of it's name makes my neck pulse and my stomach knot. I calm myself down by telling myself that I am only related by marriage and that it's OK ........relax.........ahhhhhhhhh, breathe.
Then I hears about something it has done and yegads let me at it, let me hit it and swear at it and make it see what a lowdown slug of a thing it is because......breathe, relax, think of fluffy clouds and sun kissed beaches......luckily I now live thousands of miles from said loathsome, punchable creature. I used to live much closer to it, so close to it that on one occasion I found myself kicking it's bedroom door down to get at it. I actually took a running jump at the door to kick it in and really intended to pulverise that slug had not another member of the family ( my husband) arrived home and brought me to my senses.
It was cowering behind it's locked door, this after hours of following me around the house taunting me and whispering at me and sneering at me while I was trying to talk to my mum on the phone, when I said to her " must go, it has gone to far, I am going to hang up and go and kill it," it ran to it's room and locked the door. A grown man.
Oh for just one good punch, just one. ( except that commercial comes to mind, the one that says ' betcha can't eat ( have) just one' )
I could fill this blog with tales about it but darn and blast, H linked my blog to something he has going that his family frequent on a regular basis. I am sure that the vast majority of his family think the slug is more of a leech too but you know, family ties and good will and all that. Suffice to say he is about to do what he does best again, ( how do you type that noise that the cannibal Hannibal makes in the movie silence of the Lambs?)
Of course, if you would love the low down and details and even names..... email me.
Be ready for a whole new side of me though, replies will surely be without punctuation because once I start I don't take breath and any and all notifications of my loathing for this creature will be venom filled and ....... you probably shouldn't ask.

3. Am tired now, hatred is so draining isn't it?

4. I am not always nice. Can you believe it? I'm not, I am even mean to children sometimes. Like on wednesday evening, had been to a meeting about the children in the church, teaching them and setting an example etc. I was all love filled and ready to be a shining example, a beacon amongst all women.
I took home lovely Denise, then dropped off mum and Leah, drove around the corner and saw some boys playing football in the street, hmm is late they should be inside by now but oh well. One child ( about 10) stayed in the middle of the road, stood stock still, daring me. Arrogant look on his face and arms open, waggling his fingers in a 'come on then if you think you're hard enough' gesture , you know ' Look at ME, whatcha gonna doooo lady?'
Well, what I did was make my car jump a bit. Towards him.
Then I got my face up close to the windshield, stared right back at his now somewhat paler face and said, quite loudly out of my
open window ( love these warm evenings)
" How tough do you feel NOW you little shit?"
See? I am a shining light that all children should follow, keeping my words clean and my actions pure because children learn from example.
*Sigh* Today is a new day, I shall start all over again.
What number am I on.....

5. I slept like a dead thing last night. Marvellous. 1am until 8.20am. I woke up flat on my back sideways across the bed, no pillows....I stayed there for many seconds because I had to, I was stuck.
I snorted because I knew how ridiculous I must look, like a beached whale, back as stiff as a board and unable to get up. I did a sort of leg lifting rolling and grunting movement and managed to get on my side, all the while huffing and ooohing and ouching. Very attractive. I drive H wild, I mean, who could see it and not want it?

6. Am very glad I don't have to think of 100 things you may not know about me.

7. Last one. I am really really over babies. I never thought there would be a day when I would look at babies and think ' no thanks' but I do. I love to look from a distance and still think they are miraculous and beautiful but I am very happy that I will not be having anymore. I find I am clumsy when I hold them now and wonder what I am meant to do with them. Oooph, wobbly person....what on earth? Uh oh, it's leaking, where's the mummy?
I think I am getting ready for being a grandma because I find myself saying things like " awww, bless" and " Aren't baby clothes uncomfortable these days? What's with denim on a newborn? Look at all these metal buckles and where's his hat?" and things.
I tut and huff and sigh when I see young flippertygibbets with their uncovered babies out at night, I want to feel naked toes and ask if maybe socks wouldn't be a good idea?
I wonder ( thankfully not out loud yet) if that dear baby didn't ought to be at home in his babygro having a lovely snuggle, look it's 8pm.
I find myself much more disturbed by the trend that young people ( listen to me!!) seem to have to leave their babies with people overnight so they can go out and then lie in the next morning. It is none of my business I know but have a baby, life changes, get used to it. This is YOUR baby, your mother has done all that night feeding no sleep thing with YOU, you grew up, let her sleep now for heavens sake. I feel the need to write quite boldly a message to my children.
DEAR CHILDREN ..... when you make me a grandma / nana / old lady, I shall adore your babies ,I shall kiss them and buy them things ( noisy things and babygros and socks and hats) I shall probably tell you exactly how to raise them. You will notice ( I hope) that I am the epitome of minding ones own business when it comes to your partners, sometimes it is tough and it would be great to tell you what I think, but you are adults and you have chosen who you love and decided who makes you happy, that is your business. I just can't promise that when I meet a little person who is blood of my blood, that I will always be able to stay out of it and not tell you how to do things ( please don't ever let me see a grand child of mine with a bottle of cold tea, please, my head will implode) I will bake and coo and adore and be hopelessly in love. However, unless you or your partner are hsoiptilsied ( I left that in, because that, even for me, is a doozy of a misspell, what is happening to me???) hospitalised( !) I will not have your babies overnight so you can go out and get drunk or party, I won't. I might consider an overnighter when they sleep all night, can talk and tell me what they need, when they love me as much as I love them and WANT to spend the night with nana Helen, then it will be a different thing. I will buy special 'jamas and cocoa and cookies and stuff but overnighters will be because the grandbaby wants it..not because you want it.
I am not even sorry about that, not a bit. I have never ever left any of you overnight except when I was in hospital, so ill I couldn't physically pick you up, or you were over 10 years old. I was a single parent for 10 years if I can do it and be at home during sleep time, then so can you, it is your job. I love you, mum.

There, all tagged out.

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Friday, April 27, 2007

Let's not add that one to the list, thankyouverymuch.

So, I went all the way to the doctor today, next door but one. I showed her my arms and she stroked them with lovely cool hands and said 'ohhhhhhhhhhh.'
I love my doctor. She looked up all kinds of different things to find the very best and gave me a script for extra antihistamines and some cream that will soothe and stop that itch, I took it right to the chemist who said that it would be ready in 5 minutes. I am so important and have such a full and busy life that I felt 5 minutes was a bit long and decided to go about my business and collect the magic cream and pills on the way back, when I would have to walk right past the chemist door.
So, I will go back and get them tomorrow then.
Stupid head, can't keep a darn thing but worry in it for longer than 28 seconds.
She then gave my bosom, left one, a much needed and very thorough examination because darned if it hasn't been hurting like a very hurting thing for days. I have checked it and poked it and there definitely isn't a lump or anything but it HURTS so much. So, she looked and poked and checked and then she said
" so, you're not pregnant are you?"
" Ha! OH NO! "
" Not me, but H, snipped, 3 years ago, phew, hoorah"
"and he had samples checked and it worked?"
"Well, actually, no. But 3 years, no worked right?"

Can you imagine????? Look, I have a check list of things that only happen to other people, that have happened to me. We'll leave that one for someone else's dinner party telling shall we? ~YES we WILL!

We decided between us, that my poor boob is probably bruised from the endless elbowing it gets from little boys who all want to sit with me, when its nearly bedtime, they shuffle next to me and then they endlessly hoike themselves up with their elbows, in my left boob. When I go back in 2 weeks for a check on my blood pressure we will discuss my bosom again, bless it. Actually she was impressed with my boobies, even asked where the scars were, hey there I was thinking they were terrible scars too. Yeay boobs.

We had 2 sets of people look over the house today. I absolutely have to get over this, if I don't I am going to end up either dead or sicker than sick. Get over it for heavens sake. It is not the end of the world.
I worked out that what my problem is is that I can and do get through anything of I know the details. Tell me when and how and where and I'll roll up my sleeves and get on with it. The hardest thing for me is seeing how full steam this house sale is going on, people want to see it and view it and probably buy it, regardless of how we feel , it is happening and all we can do is let it.
While we are letting it happen, what we are doing is floundering. Packing and letting go and not having anything positive to grasp onto, just a pile of hopes and prayers and more hopes. Crumble.
I know that much more terrible things are happening in the world but in my world, right now, because of the past..this is bad for me. My security is being snatched away. Helpless me. My safety is being taken. Frightened me.
My boys look to me and with absolute trust and faith know that I will make it OK, they are asking when we are moving and where we will live and what it will be like and I am chirpy and tell them that right now I don't know, but it will be exciting and new and we will have a lovely new house, like grandma and Jordan and Daniel. They believe me. Convincing me.
H is doing what H does best, he is waiting, because he knows that it will be, however it will be and when he knows something, he'll know what to do. Couldn't you just smack him?? I can't imagine being so controlled that I was able to simply not think about something unless there was something I could do about it. Imagine.
I am gloriously weary this evening, American Idol is nearly over, I do believe I shall have a nice sleep tonight. I love sleep, I love getting into bed and curling up with a book and feeling my whole being relax, my favourite feeling. Sleep.

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Home is where the heart is.

Today I had a walk down memory lane, well a drive down there at least.
I drove to Plymouth and went to 4 of the houses I have lived in and took pictures. I'm not sure why I did it except it felt right at the time.
I loved all these houses when I lived in them, 3 army homes and a council house, it was 23 years ago I lived in the first one...

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( nice man in garage said I could take pictures, thankyou nice man who bought my first home when the army sold it)

My first married home. 3 levels and I was so proud of it. All the houses are old and a bit unloved now.
I did feel though that I was able to look at these sad and tatty looking houses and remember that whatever they looked like on the outside I made them beautiful and comfortable and mine on the inside.

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This house was the one that I was most happy in, I lived here when my Dan was born. I was happy with the first one, this was a little palace to me. Look how neglected it is ( and empty too, wonder if they'd let me have it again!!) I always washed those windows and the drive was tidy and I was happy here.

When the first one left, after we had lived in 2 homes in Germany and another 2 in the UK, the army sent me to this house

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So that I would be closer to family. I don't think I was happy here at all. In fact I couldn't even quite remember if this was the exact house because they all look the same and I didn't feel at all that any part of me was there.
I had to tie the windows shut upstairs because I had to rescue Sophie from the window ledges when she climbed out of them.

Then I was evicted from here because I was no longer married to a serviceman and I got this house.... this veritable box with no roof

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Could it be any uglier??
I loved this house, really loved it. It was home and as I walked though the door I felt comfort and security and real happiness. Just goes to show that even a box can be perfect can't it?
My kids were happy here, we had lovely neighbours and friends and 4 doors down was a little corner shop, how handy.

So, I thought that doing that would help me see that wherever we end up, I will be OK, it will be home. I thought that I would stop itching and losing my hair, that maybe my stomach would stop burning and my heart stop pounding.

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Am still very itchy. Darn it.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

And UP we go.....

Today has been a FABULOUS day!
H passed his living in the UK test which means we can now send off for his British Citizenship, hooray!! As if we ever doubted he would pass, old Mr Computer head! It was quite touching to see him nervous, clutching the book and his passport, some of the questions were bizarre!

Q.At what age do children leave home?
A. Not nearly young enough.

Q. how often do children receive pocket money?
A. WTH??? How do we know?? Who is dim enough to tell them to expect a regular allowance?

Many of them were political too......just as well I never had to take this test!
Also , the boys passorts arrived today. I got such a thrill from seeing the words 'British Citizen' next to Seth and Isaac's name....they can keep thier US citizenship too though, so they get the best of both worlds. When H has his British passport he can stick with his American citizenship also.

Then....lookie here, look at my biggest boy.

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Would you just look at his face? How thrilled is he? He is being awarded ' special of the year' from the police. He really does give 100% to anything he chooses to do. I am so proud of him.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It's a special kind of mean.

I'm sorry, more of the same, the down bit of the up and down up and down.
Tomorrow someone is coming to view the house. We won't be here because H will be taking his 'living in the UK test'. I think I'm glad we won't be here, I dry heaved after the phone call just to tell us they would be coming. I don't want to witness the stomping through our home, opening doors and peering through windows. I don't want to feel whatever I would feel if I were here.
It really is salt to the wound isn't it? This whole, hey I know you are paying a big old chunk of money to live here every month, thanks,'s not enough and we are selling up, could you still pay the same wad of cash and at the same time, pack all your belongings, scrub everything in sight, worry about where the dickens you WILL live when it's sold- oh and let people wander through your home whenever they like, which means that you will have to keep it clean and tidy and smelling fresh because, we all know that even though you really want to leave it messy and not care if they see it looking like a tip because you don't want them to buy will clean and scrub and tidy because you are proud and can't stand the thought that anyone will think you are a slummock. *Insert swear word of your choice right here*
I am SO angry.
Heart poundingly and head spinningly rage filled.
I am trying, really I am, to be philosophical. To be all ' what will be will be, and will be for the best, and all's well that ends well, blah de bloody blah. It just isn't working. I am learning that I am a control freak, and why not's my life, why shouldn't I want to be in control of my life? The very idea that these people, no matter how kindly spoken, have this much say over MY LIFE. Mad. I loathe it.
I love the idea that we could stay here, the afore mentioned landlord is not the person coming to view tomorrow, just some rich bugger that fancies living here. £350,000 that's the value. $700.153.17 . Not in a gazzillion years could we buy it. We have to move. I have to accept that this is a much sought after property and there are many people who DO have the money to buy it and renovate it and live in it. Such is life. I am giving up the idea that we can stay, for my sanity I have to accept that this isn't our home anymore.
I am going to have to try and just shut off and not worry about where we will go, trust in the council and the Lord and wait. When we DO get a house, I will move in and set down roots that no-one will shift. I will scuttle in a corner and rock until I feel safe and believe that we can stay. I will pray for a garden and clothes line, for nice neighbours, close proximity to shops and buses.
If I win the lottery one day, I will buy a street full of homes and rent them to people like us, I will be the kindest landlady ever known, I will probably wait a year and see if the people love their homes, if they do.... I will give them to them. I will. Honestly.
I am coming to realise that whatever I say, my poor old brain is unstable, my name is Helen and I am depressed. I am shaken very easily. It doesn't take too much to make me want a dark corner and absolute silence. Having said that, this IS much, having your home snatched from under your happy heart is not a trifling thing.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Back to school......


Seth " When is it bed time?"
Me " oh about 25 minutes"
Seth " but I'm tired now"
H. " Oh no....bedtime is 8pm"
Elijah " But right now I am tired, right now, can I go to bed right now?"
Me " no, it's too early, you have to stay up"
Isaac " but I think I can't, I think my legs won't walk up the stairs I am too tired right now"
Me "oh, OK....shall we let them go to bed or not daddy?"
H. " Oh, OK, just this once.....we'll go right now"
3 boys " YEAY!"

Is that not heaven? How much would you pay to hear that? less than half a story they were out. I love school. I LOVE SCHOOL!

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The boy, waiting in the car for the nursery gates to open...

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Oh...forgot to tell you, Dan got some awards this week.. He received 'Special of the year' from the police service. He is a special constable with the police where he lives, that means he has all the authority of the regulars but he does the work on his days off and evenings etc. He got 3 other awards but I can't remember what they were for, bad me!
He is about to move into the hotel he works at, this will save him a HUGE amount of money, no more rent, no bills......he's going to be rolling in money for while, I told him to save and put down a deposit on his own home. I am so proud of him, he is just fabulous. Not once, ever, since he was 16 has he ever asked for money, he has never been in trouble, he is so grown up and mature, kind and generous. I so want him to be happy. I think he is, he broke up with Shawn, this time it looks like it may be for real....I hope he can meet someone that appreciates him for everything he is. Shawn hated Dan doing anything, hated him being with the police hated him having friends, hated him being here, talking to us, he just wanted total control of everything Dan did. I hope that this means Dan can really give himself to whatever he chooses, not have to keep compromising and giving up on what he wants to do.

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Sunday, April 22, 2007

I think I'll keep him.

I just have to write about H. Funny that he is such a huge part of everything I do but he gets the tiniest mention here occassionally. Today he gets the limelight.
He is, quite frankly, a bit splendid. I am completely convinced that he and I were made for each other.
As time goes by, I see more and more in H that is admirable. The way he is with our boys makes me love him more and more. He has so many unique ideas with them, I am sure when they are grown they will have so many fabulous memories.
He reads with them every night, he spends about 30 minutes while they are settling in bed reading with them, when it is time for bed ( 8pm) he takes from behind his chair a little lantern, every evening one of the boys gets to be the 'leader' and light the way to bed. I love special do those boys feel when it is their turn? They like bedtime, it is part of the day that they look forward to ( me too me too!!) it is the ultimate punishment, when limits have been pushed, when they are told that there will be no story time. If daddy stays in his chair and mummy does bedtime, they know that they have gone too far and not listened.
I mentioned yesterday that he names everything, if he cooks dinner it always has a name. Buffalo burgers for example.
Every park we go to has a name, spiderman park, duck park, grandma's park, train park. They never go for a walk, they go on hikes.
He reads sciptures to them, everyday he teaches them abouts God and Jesus Christ. They remeber what he says too!
Last week , oh hang on I have to tell you something first. H and I are incredibly modest around the house, mainly because we have always had teenagers around, we have had to make sure we are covered when we wander around the house ...especially as the teenagers were 'step'kids. So, the boys rarely see us undressed if at all.
Last week, we were all waiting in the front room for him to come in and read......he walked in, in nothing but a skimpy towel, carrying a tray with a jar of honey and some pictures of locusts! I wish I could post the picture because to the side of H, is Seth..hands over his mouth with the most incredible look of hilarity / astonishment on his face. The point is, they learned about John the baptist, what he did, how he lived, who he was, they will remember. ( with Isaac sending most of the time trying to look UP the towel " have you got underwear on? HAVE YOU!?"...yes he did. )

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Ahhh, the marvel of photoshop!
Look at that face! Shame the chaos of tea time hasn't been cropped out! This room is a hazard area by the time these boys go to bed!
He is maddeningly calm, while I am running around wailing WOE IS ME ! He is sitting, waiting to see how things pan out. I react, he responds. I hear half a story and ARGH! HELP! WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DOOOOOO???
He hears, waits, listens, sees then decides. Great job when you can do it! Makes me want to smack him at times but he is actually just what I need.
I think I'll keep him, he ain't bad for a bald headed old fart.

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

A napsack on my back....

Well, the easter hols are over, back to school on monday. We have had a splendid time, busy and fun. H and I have taken turns taking the boys out so that whoever is left at home can get some work done. These boys are delightful when entertained, we can take them anywhere and they are a joy. If, however we leave them to occupy themselves, oh dear.
They are hellions. One morning they were playing in the front yard I was in our room so could hear them, ah, bless are so happy and peaceful and playing....when will I learn? I looked out the window and what did I see? Flower pots emptied and earth and soil spread, quite evenly all over the courtyard. Also, Elijah escaping, again, watched by a dear old lady who was saying
" Does your mummy know you're going out...hey! HEY! Does your mummy let you get out???" As I hurtled out and after him her voice followed me saying " You don't get a minutes peace with that one do you dear?" No, we don't, but would we have it any other way?
H took them out today on a hike, a real one...miles of walking and walking and looking and talking. They went to paradise island, I love the way H gives everything and everywhere a name. Apparently, paradise island was a little stream like place where they were in paradise because they stood and threw big old rocks in the water, over and over again, the ran in the water, they were very wet, VERY dirty, hungry and NOT TIRED when they got home, how can that be? They walked about 4 is hot, how can they get home, having been out for 5 hours, have a bath, eat dinner and STILL be bouncing and loud?
They took about 17 seconds to fall asleep when they had their story but right up until they went up the stairs they were full of bounce and energy.
I have felt so much better today, none of that horrible uncertainty, I am at peace with knowing that it is all out of my hands. I know that we will wither be able to stay here or we will get a council house. All we have to do it wait it out, keep cleaning and organising and wait for the verdict!
Today.....wait for it... I cleaned the cooker, inside. How disgusting is that job? Ewwwww. I bought this fabulous kit, you spread some gel inside the oven, then you put the trays/ oven shelves in a tough plastic bag, pour the rest of the gel stuff in the bag, shake it a bit and leave it. 4 hours later those babies are GLEAMING! I just rinsed it all off and saw beautiful shiny oven things.
Where was this stuff when I was married to the first one and living in army housing? The hours and hours I spent scrubbing those blackened oven shelves, weeping and swearing and promising that when the day came that I would have my very own stove, I would never clean it, I would use it 'til I couldn't shut the door for filth and then I would throw it away and buy a new one. ( and I did just that ..once, just because I felt I had to keep the promise) Now, of course, we are back in rented accommodation with cooker supplied, so with the discovery of this marvellous yet toxic stuff that would strip the skin off your arms as easily as it melts the grime off your stove, well life seems to have taken on new meaning. I might find that I can always have a sparkling cooker and be able to open it if we have guests, I could pretend I was on a cookery show and make big sweeping movements as I put trays of something delicious in to bake.
Imagine a life without cooker shame. Can you? It's almost too much isn't it?
Does blood pressure make you giddy? I am so dizzy. I hope it's just a case of getting used to it. This getting older lark isn't much fun is it? At least my pelvic floor is holding out, no leaking as of yet. Thank the Lord for enormous mercies.
I have had 5 hours sleep in the past 3 days, that's not enough even for me, resident insomniac. I am going to bed very soon and it is only 10.30...that's like early afternoon to me. How exciting, an early night. I must get out more.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

If only.......

Take a breath this could be a ramble.
Up and down and up and down. That's me.
I am piggy in the middle, landlords and councils...playing chicken with us in the middle.
Leave the house....we can't help you...find another house....stay where you are......have to move.....
One minute ready to go, next weeping buckets because I haven't finished here. One minute packing things, next crying because, oh they still belong here.
Ooooh might get a garden.....ohhhhhhh love this house...ooooooh could be lovely new house.....ohhhhhhh won't be as lovely as this....ooooooh will be all cosy and .....ohhhhhh hate cosy, like posh and here and THIS HOUSE.
I woke up at 4am this morning 3 hours after I went to bed, i lay for 2 hours telling myself that I am NOT dying, I am NOT having a heart attack, my hair is not falling out ( yes people I felt sure that my hair was falling out every time I moved, my hair is still there, my mind? Not so sure) I willed H to wake u, he wakes up at 4 every morning, it'll be Ok, as soon as he wakes up it will be fine, he will hug me and pat my back and squeeze me, ho hum.....4.30am......sigh ......5am ....5.30am ( can't wake him, sleep is a precious commodity, we don't take that away from anyone in this house) 6.20 ..he woke up...hooray!!! He slept in, marvellous for him painful for me because I so needed to touch him and know that I wasn't dying.
This is really, to my shame, a horrible time for me. I am incredulous that this whole situation has floored me like this. I think perhaps it's because I am not ready to leave this house. I have always known when I it's time for me to move, it starts with my feeling unsettled and also when I come back to the house, it stops feeling like home. I feel almost agitated when I am 'done' with a house. I don't feel any of this yet. I feel like we are being turfed out of our home, not leaving a house.
So, we are going great guns, we are doing what we feel we need to do. Walls are bare, things are piled up, rooms are cleared. Today I had to speak with my landlady who, truth be told has always been so good to us. We have as good a relationship as it is possible to have as tenant/ owner. She pops in at times, I can call her about anything, she is lovely.
So, I had to call her and discuss some correspondence from the council with her, they are being meticulous and hard hitting, I wanted to be sure that she was OK with the letter they wrote her and to tell her that they are very keen NOT to have to house us, that if there is anyway they can avoid it, they will try and achieve that. Council houses are precious, much sought after and like gold dust, it is incredibly hard to get one. The council will work very hard to get people to private let etc, in this area for instance they have 4000 families waiting for a house, last year 238 houses became available. It can't be an easy job to allocate those homes. Anyway, when I spoke to her she told me that even though the board is up outside the house, it isn't actually listed yet with the agents, so no-one will be looking at it yet. seems that there is an investor that lives right in the street, he owns 3 other house in the square and HE IS INTERESTED in this one! That would mean that we stay, here, in this house. Imagine.
I left it with her that she can tell the agents to set up a viewing, this man can come and look around and if we hear in the next week or so that he is buying, we will stay.
Until we hear that it is a definite we will continue with the application for a council house we will keep cleaning and packing and getting ready. ( the landlady, B, can't believe we are doing any of it and said that she wishes we would stop worrying, she said she has been here many times and has never seen anything that needs fretting over, yeay!)
I will pray that somehow this man buys, he is an established landlord, he already has houses in this street, he even lives here himself, if he buys it would be realistic to assume that he will be happy for us to stay for a while. Also, if he lives here he knows us, he must have heard us, he has seen that little bugger climb the gate, seen the footballs, basketballs, tennis balls and shoes fly over the hedge. I suspect I have said a cheery howdiedoo at some stage. He is still interested. Wow.
Of course, now I am like a girl who has been dumped. All " oh if we get to stay I will never take this house for granted again the dining room will never be a dumping ground and the store room will be highly organised and that pile of clothes that grows by my bed? Gone, honestly. Dust? Thing of the past. Dirty handprints? Not on my watch." Just like when you say that if 'he' comes back you will be kind and always have pretty hair and go to football games with him and never argue and get it. Pie crust promises that you really mean when you are bargaining with the powers that be, when you are in the ' oh if only' phases of your life.
I will be honest, I want to stay ( you'd never have guessed that would you? ) I will dissolve in a puddle of weeping gratitude if we can stay here and marvel at our blessings and enjoy how CLEAN it is....look how empty that store room is! Would you look at the shiny stove?? LOOK sparkling grout in the shower, who'd have imagine that was possible and it's ALL FOR US! And phew isn't it WARM? Must be all that, when did we last put gas on that card? This would be the first choice.
However, I am learning that sometimes, what we want isn't always what we need. I am sticking with leaving this one up to the Lord. We will do what we need to do and go where we need to go and be grateful, but if the angels are reading this blog......we want to stay. Please.
I went out with my girl today, a posh lunch, just us. it was lovely and eye opening and get this...she listened to me, I got through to her, she heard me. Miracles happen. I am in awe of how huge these things can be. In the middle of all this when you least expect it, great things happen. She kissed me, she said thankyou more times than I could count, she said several times that this was a lovely day. It made me want to do that again, soon. Fresh air, in great big gob fulls, that's what today was and I needed it. I don't think my hair will fall out tonight ( that was crazy) and I think I won't feel like I am dying. Thank heavens for that!

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

When the going gets tough, pray for other people.

More good looks like Jordan has found a good place to live! Here's hoping that goes through for him quickly and without too much trouble.
I feel sooooooooo sick, puke. I think it may be the new meds, I really hate feeling sick I had to come back from the beach early as I just couldn't bear it any longer. Beautiful day again today which helps make everything seem better.

If you ever need something to put your lives into perspective, to help you see that the things you find stressful and hard and unbearable, visit some of these sites and try to imagine if these families wouldn't give all they own to swap trials with you.
I meant it when I said that I think the Lord likes to see us caring about others, praying for others and sending whatever faith and strength we have to others, even people we have never met.
I know how blessed I am.

PENELOPE beautiful little girl.

RACHEL amazing and feisty and incredible.

MACKENZIE Miracles follow this little girl!

KENDALL this little boy reminds me of my Isaac, same brown eyes, same beautiful skin.. I have cried over this little boy and ache for his mommy.

RYAN Just a baby, with a giant's strength.

I read these blogs every day and then I pray..... thanks that my boys are so healthy and strong and noisy and naughty......asking for miracles and peace and strength.

Life is filled with such tough stuff, I gave up trying to answer the 'why' question years ago. I am trying to make the very best of what I have .... some days are easier than others and for those days I am so grateful.
I wish I had some magic or some money or some miracles to send...... I think though, that maybe prayers are even better.

Life is But a Weaving

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.

Author unknown.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

And the GOOD news is...

While I was at the council offices again today, going over forms and hearing how difficult this whole thing will be but how he will be really quite high up the list and if we accept any area we will stand a better chance etc.... well he said that for sure they can help the Sophie girl.
I know I am being the tough love mummy right now and making her stand on her own two feet and nagging and barking and pushing and generally getting wearier by the second, I know she has to do this I have to do it, it is the right thing will be the making of her blah blah BUT hell it's hard. She is one hard faced little madam but when she cracks she is so vulnerable. She is scared, which makes her stand still and shout a lot.
Hooray then that this council has many projects to help kids like Sophie who need extra support, she jumped out of bed and flew down there to fill in forms and register her needs.
I will have to keep my eyes on what is going on but sweet relief to know that she will be taken care of..... even when you know you have to do something it doesn't stop you wishing things were different.
More cleaning and packing and piling and sweeping and dumping today and a bit more of it tomorrow before we head to the beach for the day again. It is still gloriously sunny and hot and we all need to step out and grab us some of that while it's there. The boys head back to school on monday, we've had a great school holiday, another day of sea and sand will be just the ticket tomorrow.
I am officially an old mare. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor, my blood pressure is still up there with the eagles and other soaring things, my 'resting' pressure is over a hundred...not good, not resting at all in fact, so tablets for me. H and me popping the blood pressure pills before bed such bonding we never imagined.
I think I am over the mourning for this house part, never one to hang onto misery when I can help it, I am grasping the possibilities before me and for once in my life refusing to think of how this could so end up horribly. I absolutely believe that things happen for a reason, if we embrace them and fight for the best usually it ends up as a good thing.
I am doing what I do best in standing up and facing the adversary and watch out anyone who thinks they might pull a fast one. I am leaving no stone unturned and hoping that we come out of this cocking a snoop at the landlords of this world who shall have no hold over us any longer.
I look forward to walking through carpeting shops and choosing lovely stuff that hides the dirt and smells clean. I shall meander through decorating shops and choose grand colour schemes.
I shall be saying MY house, OUR home, I shall look forward to marvelling at how we have been here 38 years now lovie doesn't time fly and do you remember when that Eli one was a grubby kneed little urchin playing in the gutter with little Kai down the road??
We will be getting a council house, I feel it in my water. Don't stop praying for it though, the more the merrier, I think God likes to hear from people on behalf of others, he likes to know we care about each other. Thankyou.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The devil made me do it!

*Gasp* what came over me? WHAT?
Things are moving waaaaaaay too fast! Go to see mum, come home 'FOR SALE' sign in my garden. Ack! H takes boys out, must clean, MUST clean, school breaks mean crunchy carpets and yoghurt and cheerios stuck to everything, clean, must I was vacuuming the hallway, I saw a dark shadow by the door.... KNOCK KNOCK, it was Ian from the agency that are SELLING MY HOME.
"Hello. I've come to take measurements"
"Oh, hmmmm, didn't know, come in, look at the mess or not by LOOK am cleaning, I do that sometimes, not enough though"......rattle chatter waffle, anything to stop myself puking or weeping or BEGGING him not to sell my home.
So, Ian who has 3 little boys and understands mess and knows all about yoghurt, walked around my home taking measurements and talking into his dictaphone thingumy.
He left his briefcase on my front room floor, open. I was still cleaning, sweeping and polishing, oh HORRORS, when I swept the grooves of the coffee table to get all those crunchy bits of 'start' cereal and cookies and what the hell IS that???? out.....I think, somehow, not sure how...I wonder, the crumbs may have gone in his briefcase, perhaps, probably, definitely. Also as he was talking into his little recorder and saying " Front room , delightful sash windows....." ( Me ..that are painted shut inside and out")
" Shower room, walk in shower..." ( me " that leaks into the kitchen so the ceiling is falling down")
I think the devil made me do it because it was just happening and even though he told me that they are working hard to sell to another investor I have given up on living here. A new landlord means a whole new list of changes, rent increases blah blah and anyway, this house- it's spoiled for me now, it isn't my home, it belongs to someone else who has too much power over how we live. I won't feel this is my home anymore, I am packing and getting ready for a move. It's over for me here, so new investor or not, we're going.
I am preparing for the assault on the council, the laying before them of my life's every detail. I shall pout my heart and soul out to them , and hand my family to them with faith that THEY will house us and let us stay in that home as long as we live, pay rent and don't firebomb the neighbours.
The snob in me is balking at the idea of living in a council house again, I loved my previous council houses but I hadn't been living in THIS house then, hadn't been flinging this grand address about as if I was lady of some manor. Pride comes before a fall they say. Yep.
One thing I do hope that comes from moving is that we will live near other children close to our boys. Little boys should be able to play on the street with their friends. Dan and Jordan were outside in the dirt with buddies until bath time every night in the summer, building camps and playing football. I would call them in for a bath and Jordan would howl " OHHHHHH! NO! I'll be GOOD, I'm sorry!" as if having to have a bath and go to bed was a hideous punishment. Dinner was shovelled in so that games could continue, Seth and Isaac seem happy with H's company, Seth would love to play out with the boys, not sure about Isaac... but Eli? That kid was MADE to be a street urchin, his knees attract muck like pins to a magnet. He has the perfect face for a street playing wretch. I can see him, in my minds eye, playing marbles and football, tag and hide and seek, building tents and eating sandwiches outside 'til it's dark. The neighbours will know his name as it is yelled asunder near bedtime every dusky evening. We shall hand out cookies and juice to all the kids in the street and memories shall be made. I hope.
If they play in the street here they'd get run over. They ask if they can call for Mr Shrub. who lives in our street and goes to our church...he's our age but the youngest and most lively person they know in the neighbourhood, I think a move might be good for them after all.
So, have to go and rescue them from the gate, that they keep climbing over........I shall avert my eyes so I don't see that FOR SALE sign. Wish us luck.

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Monday, April 16, 2007

Humour in all things.....

You woulld thinnk, wouldnn't you, that whenn evicting a family from their homme, that people would take the timme to check spelllings?
I am temmpted to repply annd simmply say... Go to helll.

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Over to you, God.

So, this moving thing? The whole new house, deal? It's freaking me out. My head hurts, my heart is pounding and the tears? Shut up!
I can tell myself ALL the positives, I know there are many, I understand that these things almost always happen for a reason. I know that if this hadn't happened, chances are I would be prepared to keep muddling along with all the things that aren't good for us, simply because I love this house.
I have lived, in my adult years in 3 countries, 18 houses/ homes. In all that I have NEVER been sad about moving, not once. I have been apprehensive and nervous and stressed with details but never sad, newness is exciting to me, new beginnings hold great promise. this time though, it is with the most incredible sadness.
My sensible head tells me that this is ridiculous, I can make a home anywhere. I know that wherever we end up it will be fine and I will make it lovely. But I REALLY love this house, I love where it is, I love the wonky doors, the lumpy walls, the creaks and sticking doors. I walk in the door and it is home. I am still not tired of saying this address, I still love walking in the front door, I love the smell of this house.
Walking out of the door and being right in town, walking to dance class, to the shops, to the park. The train and bus stations are 3 minutes away. I'm pretty sure that wherever we move will mean back to driving everywhere again. I hate that.
I hate to say that the whole thing has made me crash. I am sick.
I hope that it will be a fleeting relapse but whatever, right now I am fighting the need to shut off and shut down.
I do know that there is only so much I can do. Forms I will do, I hate them, I am convinced that the world and it's auntie know too much about me and mine as it is. I have a mountain of paperwork to fill in, all of it intrusive, all of it repetitive. I will do it.
I will make phone calls and plead and nag and state my case.
What I can 't do, can't even think about is look.
I can't trail internet agencies, drive around neighbourhoods, read property papers and look, see, build hopes, look forward and be told NO. Sorry, already let. No children. No benefits.
I am handing this one over to the Lord, kit and caboodle. With every ounce of faith I own I say to Him "Here we are, point me in the right direction"
I am doing my part and packing, clearing, dumping, crying, preparing and praying. I am listening and waiting for some guidance. I am completely at ease with this, I have done this with all the huge decisions in my life. It has always worked.
I am convinced that whatever the answer is .. it will come to me.
At some stage ( please let it be soon) I will find myself in front of a house or I will be told about a house, I will say the right thing to the right person or somehow that housing association will find our details at the top of their pile.
I am cautiously optimistic about the girl child. She wept, a lot. She was incredulous and afraid and then she was MAD! But now...she is, dare I say, almost excited. I think she might have a teeny glimmer of a vision of how being independent could be. She is job hunting, with real intent. YIPPEE AYE AY!
Jordan is fine, he has it in hand. He is ready.
H is perfect for me. This is not a time to pander to my fears. He is calm and gentle and just quietly says things like " this will be a good thing" and " Hmmmmm. Uh huh. Right. Yeah. Good. Really?" He also says things like " you sure you couldn't stay in bed longer?" and " I thought I would take the boys out for a few hours" He is glorious. Yes he is. Thankyou Lord for a man that may not say a lot but does much.

Oh good news .... my blood tests came back, all normal apart from my cholesterol levels which I tell you are EXCELLENT. There, fat I may be, cloggy I am not. Apparently, a normal level is 5. Mine is 3.2. I take a bow. No problems there then. I have a doctor's appointment on monday anyway just to discuss test results and chest pains etc, it would seem that all that breathing difficulty and tight chest etc must be panic attacks, that means I just have to learn to breathe through them and I am pretty good at that when I know that I won't drop dead.

I must say that I am so enjoying my boys lately. Each one of them is going through a fabulous phase right now, Eli is chatty and funny and dancing always. It must be in his blood, he hasn't had classes for a couple of weeks but he dances on. If music comes on he dances, he'll jump and say " Hey, diss music should go like DISS and he's off, he is a bit OTT, maybe there's a spot on a Barney DVD waiting for him ( he has never seen Barney, ever...but he has heard some Barney songs, he loves 'em)
Seth told us this week that he is addicted to sports. I believe him and crikey, he's good too, stuns me as he is such a nerd and a book worm but he shoots hoops and I bought them a tennis racket each today, the ball is attached to elastic so hooray, no belting that thing over the wall.
Isaac is just Isaac, delicious and perfect and touching and gorgeous.
I just want security for them, that elusive home that is part of every memory when they are grown. It will come and even if, heaven forbid, it doesn't..... I'm pretty sure that won't be too traumatic for them. Just for me.
I had a very therapeutic day today, I went into the store room and cleared it, took 2 van loads of stuff to the tip, using that 'haven't used it for 6 months......out it goes' rule. Chairs, cases, books, toys, clothes, boxes, curtains.....ahhhhhhhh gone. I am the very opposite of a pack rat, very often I wish I had kept something but the feeling is over fast enough, it's all stuff. I wish I had kept some memories I got rid of, but again...the greatest memories are where they can always be with me, in my heart. I get a huge buzz from throwing things out....actually it all goes to the reclamation yard to be resold or recycled. I don't throw too much away at all.
Ack, its nealy 1 am, I have to sleeeeeeeeeep. Sunday is not a day of rest in this house, the afternoons are but the mornings are insane. Night night.

P.S I just clicked on my world map thingamijig.....I LOVE it that people are still leaving messages. Thankyou. I found some new blogs to read and will be by your blogs soon!

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Friday, April 13, 2007

Don't know my arse from my elbow! this house, where will we go?

YEAY! Will maybe have a garden!

Won't walk down these stairs and feel like queen of this castle for much longer.

Sophie is grasping the idea that independance might be OK and she can do it and it will be GOOD.

Have told 2 of my children that they are on their own when we leave this house, what kind of mother?????

Will always know who is in my house, where things are.

Will miss big kids in so many ways.

Will love there being only 2 parents in the house, what we say teenage cuckoos undermining us.

What if they can't make it, what if they aren't ready?

Maybe, maybe we will actually get a council house, one that is ours, that we can live in for 30 years.

OH MY GOSH! I have to do the packing, cleaning, weeding, throwing, form filling, begging, praying, grovelling, hoping thing ALL OVER AGAIN.

We ARE good enough, we DO deserve it, we ARE good people.

I am so tired. And scared. And angry.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

And thankyou Lord for every one.....
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Who could ask for anything more??


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again......again.

Just as soon as I have had a bloody good moan and a whine and even a swear perhaps.
Our landlady came today and told us that she is selling our house, you know, our home. MY HOME. This one that I love and is perfect and big and posh and right where we need it to be.
I wanted to write about our trip to London, on our own, with no kids and show you the picture of H's ice cream at Harrods

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and tell you to look at his hands and grasp how HUGE this thing was, with its apricot sauce and it's fancy berries, with the sorbet and cream and stuff, but MY HOME!
8 weeks, that's how long we have to find somewhere and secure it and pay all that money for search fees and credit checks and guarantors. Removal vans and then, can't think straight to show you H's donut at Covent garden

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I would have taken pictures of what I ate but who wants to see dry crackers and a lettuce leaf ( and if you believe THAT you need your head testing, or to get out more or something)
What about the men with trousers around their ankles and tutu's on...

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No, can't tell you any of that because I have to tell Jordan that the time is right for him to move on and find a place of his own. ( actually, he just came home and hugged me tight and said that he is very ready to have his own place, he will do everything he can to help us find somewhere and he loves me)
Also, because some things never change, I have to tell Sophie that her days of not going to college and staying in bed and waiting for the fairies to make it all OK are over. When we move it will be H, and me and 3 little boys. Sophie is going to have to get a full time job and a house share. She has been more or less living at this woman's house anyway, so hopefully she can move in there and pay her way.

I was going to tell you all about how we got off the train at Piccadilly circus and were surrounded by police cars and fire trucks and sirens from all directions......someone had thrown themselves in front of a train, think about what I could have made of all that if I'd used my imagination ( because thankfully we didn't see it, just heard the announcement " due to a person under the train services on the Piccadilly line have been suspended")
But I have to leave this house that has been the first place that has felt like home for years, the house that we all fit in and love.
That has chandaliers and big hallways, 2 bathrooms, oh twoooooooo bathrooms......
As the landlady arrived the men that had just finished draft proofing and insulating the house were leaving. So, the people who are here next winter won't be pumping £60 a week in the gas meter. It will be warm and cosy and cheaper to run. This work was done by the council, free of charge because we have Isaac, so they just improved and increased the value of the property for our landlady, it's alright for some, isn't it? We won't benefit at all from that little project although it was me that did all the paperwork and dull admin.
I look really old today, weary and worn down.
I don't feel as though I can do this all again and for what? A year somewhere else until we get moved on again?
I was so excited to tell you about the boys waking up at 4.30am on tuesday and thundering down the stairs yelling " See if Daniel is here !!! DAAAAAAAAAAAANIELLLLLLLLLLLLL !!!"
I was longing to tell you how he took them to the park and on a nature trail for 2 hours, how he told them that they could look at the lake but not go in it....SPLASH...Elijah.
How he had gone to visit Gramma and Eli ( who had been with gramma) saw him and insisted that he needed to be with Dan and not stay at gramma's and watch High school musical.
How he had them standing on logs and was telling them some tale and then " I need a WEEEEEEE!" said Elijah as he dropped his drawers and let nature take it's course.
How he looked exhausted when we got home at 10 pm with Eli fast asleep on his lap, Isaac fast asleep in bed with ALL his clothes on because OH NO.....can't get changed or undressed if mum or dad aren't here here.How he smiled and said " Sorry it's messy, I really tried but ... hell.....I learned that no matter HOW fast I clean it, they can unclean it even faster"

My head though, is just full of MY HOME and my envy of landladies and lords ( who thought that stupid thing up? Lords and Ladies, my arse) and how easy it is for them to change peoples' lives at the drop of a hat and leave us feeling so helpless and bloody worthless and stupid because damn it, if we didn't make choices that mean property and money and 'stuff' have always been low down on our list and family and tons of kids, battered old cars and rental properties have been what we have because that's just how it is. Ha ha look at the stupid people who hand us their money and pay our mortgages and leave themselves open to any kind of problems because they aren't smart and money wise and are so STUPID!

There are toilets on the coaches to London, teeny tiny little toilets that make me feel like a whale because I can just about fit in and pee if I am really desperate, ( and I ALWAYS get desperate because as soon as I know that I can't pee because that means using that horrible little chemical toilet, oh no, bladder is filling, can feel it filling....must not need wee, cannot stagger along coach and try to squeeze in that little loo) but make me sweat because one bump in the road and I could fall against that door and show the back of the bus just how tight that fit is and how white my big fat bum is.
A man went to for a pee and if I wasn't so consumed with the whole home being snatched away from us thing, I would so tell you that he was HUGE, he looked like a massive aboriginal warrior , he went for a wee, I know this because my seat was right opposite the toilet door, I could have knocked on the door if I had so chosen or even shut the door for him while he wee'd because he didn't, shut the door that is. I think he may have thought he had but he hadn't and my eyes almost flipped inside out in their efforts to look anywhere but at that gap and don't listen ... LOOK AWAY!!!! Ewwww he didn't wash his hands either, good job I am an English lady because I ignored him and looked away and won the battle over that urge to tell him he isn't in the outback now and over here, on our coaches to the Capitol, we wash our hands after we have done a wee and we DEFINITELY close the door.
We also don't fling ourselves at the feet of pretty landladies who at least had the decency to come and tell us face to face that we have to leave this house, we don't weep until they leave and we smile and say oh, that's a shame because we LOVE this house and of course we will be in when the agents come TOMORROW to measure up and we don't mind at all having a FOR SALE sign outside out front door so that every time we look out of the widow or leave the house we are reminded that this may be our home but it isn't our house, so we have to leave. Don't give us another thought ...... I wish I could use my stiff upper lip to beat the crap out of something, my stiff upper lip that along with the quivering bottom one has broken out in 3 humongous cold sores in the last 4 hours.
So, we had a lovely time in London, my husband and I. I wish I could have told you all about it but we're losing our home, again. 7 homes in 7 years, here's to number 8.

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

That was a day and a half.

And I am incredibly happy it is over!
Sweets and chocolate really don't play much of a part in our house, I know I wax lyrical about chocolate and will admit that I find it delicious beyond description, we don't have much of it at all. The boys have pocketmoney on saturday and buy a smattering of gloop and then open it all up and throw it around, they would much rather have olives and cheese strings, I often wonder if they truly sprang from my loins, truth be told. Offer them cake, they'll take a pickle.
Seth ate his first cake ever last week, with a look of disgusted pride he ate a teeny cupcake and then announced that " YEAY! I did it!" and then told us he probably wouldn't ever do it again. Thankyou.
I am often surprised then, that easter is such a big deal to them. I imagine it is just the sight of all that normally not thought of stuff, thrown in a basket and offered with no limits that sends them loopy. I cancelled mum and Leah's visit for lunch, at 8.30 am because we were already SO drowning in smashed up chocolate, squished in peep like hideousnesses and green paper grass that I knew a) I would never get it cleaned up as well as go to church ( and let's face it, skipping church in THIS day is really pushing your spiritual luck isn't it? Sorry Jesus, glad you died for us and all that but do you mind awfully if I skip worshipping you just for today so my ham doesn't overcook and I can clean this front room? No, didn't seem right to me either)
So, I called and asked if maybe a rather fancy meals on wheels deal which meant good food without the noise and mess that comes part and parcel with our home, didn't sound like a little bit of Heaven on earth.......funny, I didn't have to ask twice!
Not only were we facing devastation of a paper grass and smashed food kind, we were also REALLY looking at some serious sugar highs. Eli had excelled himself, Isaac was pretty impressive, Seth, well he loved opening it all and looking at it but he hadn't eaten more than a bite or two.
Hoorah for morning church, a break in chocolate consumption for a while, until they were handed MORE yes MORE chocolate rabbits and nests and a HUGE cadbury's buttons egg.
Eli ate ham and some more ham and some green beans, the others?? NO ROOM!! NO ROOM MUST EAT ALL THIS SUGAR!! ( twice a year, christmas and easter......the only time they get to just go for the rush, actually is that a bit strange that the 2 times a year they get to stuff out are both celebrating Jesus in some way?)
Isaac and Elijah were overdosed, I am sure of it, not a good thing, we won't go there again in a hurry, the remains of the baskets are going away until saturday when they can eat a bit more, I am a bit traumatised by the way these boys went so crazy......there is no doubt in my mind that kids are really affected by what they eat, mine eat such good stuff usually that any unaccustomed overload is spectacular to see.
Sophie. I did something that was really hard to do as a mother. She came home ( around 7pm) and saw the basket that I had decided was going to my lovely friend....she lit up and said
"oooh, who is THAT for?" I told her it was for Jane and that although I really wanted her to have one too, I couldn't in all honesty do one for her. I told her that while she was choosing NOT to be a part of the family, while she was treating me and this home so poorly, that I couldn't reward her with the treats that come with being a part of our family.
I pointed out that both she and Jordan are continuing to waltz in when they feel like it use what they feel like using, refuse to clean up, not only their own rooms but the pans and plates they use ( Jordan is taking it to the point of daring me to MAKE him wash his dishes.... I am biding my time and then he will SEE that he can push me so far. Nearly there.) Neither of them are showing any level of respect. I asked her if she thought it fair that while they are so unwilling to do anything for me, that they should continue to expect me to do anything for them, given that they are adults and all, as we keep hearing from them.
She was very quiet, I gave her a small box of chocolates and said that I hoped next year I would be able to make her a beautiful basket again.
It is much harder being tough than I would like, I tell myself that I can do it and shrug it all off but it actually hurts to stick it out. Not with the little ones though, I seem to get it that with them, this is a good thing and they are so much better for knowing where they stand..... the big ones though, I hate being so hard on them, I think it's because by now, I thought it would be more fun, that they would have learned the important stuff and I could enjoy them so much more. Not yet, it would seem.
So, the sugarbabies are asleep, twitching and humming I shouldn't wonder...the house is peaceful, Sophie says she is coming home and at a reasonable time that's good.
Dan is coming tomorrow ( I hope, if he doesn't the London trip is a no go) there is a bank holiday boot sale tomorrow, whoopie, I hope we find some bargains! Today it was almost summer like, hot and sunny and glorious. I love the sun!

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Saturday, April 07, 2007

Long day.

We got up SO early today, thinking that the car boot sales would sure to be running, sunny clear day, beautiful. Off we went, little boys with their pocket money and a list as long as your arm ( how long IS your arm by the way?) of things they were sure to find and buy.

Empty field. Well botheration.
We drove to a popular park and the boys ran and climbed and played.
All that and when we get home it was only 10.30am. LOOOOOOONG day. Really long day.

Easter baskets are done, Seth has been saying that he wants a toy dog that you heat in the microwave.....hooray! I found some, a dog, bear and monkey. Snuggle toys. They have one each and then delicious chocolate and sweeties. H does the baskets, this year though, I did Sophie's and my sister Leah's.

I wanted them to be beautiful and they are. I wish I could be bothered to take pictures, I know I will wish I had......lazy me.

Sophie's is the most beautiful thing, perched on her bedroom stool amongst a swamp of such grotesque mess the likes of which you may never have seen. OK I may have to go and get a picture because, clever as I am ( as well as humble) I can't adequately describe this room.

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I am darned if I am touching it. She comes in, changes, and goes out. She has a friend who is my age ( ??!!!!!) who lets her stay at her home, she has adopted Sophie ( ahhh bless) so, Sophie isn't here much at all these days. She pops in to tell me how great this Tracey is and how she admires how she parents her children...blah blah. I am still sort of numb on the Sophie stuff, the friend goes out on the town with Sophie and then they all go back and ...well who knows? Sophie is an adult, on paper anyway, we're still waiting for evidence that she actually IS an adult in the real sense of the word.
The basket is now OUT of Sophie's room and she might have it when that pig sty is cleaned up. Seems ridiculous to have to treat an 'adult' this way doesn't it?
( edited this morning at 8.30am, had a text at midnight to say she won't be home......what's the point in letting her have the treats when she just can't be bothered to try and be a part of this family?) Seems absurd to leave a beautiful basket in a filthy room, like rewarding her for behaving so poorly isn't it?
So, harsh as it may seem, Sophie won't be getting a basket this year. She isn't willing to join us for any of the family 'bits'. I just can't pretend that this is all OK .
Instead, I will make a beautiful gift for my friend who really deserves a special treat right now.
Here is Leah's basket, I love that white chocolate sheep!

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And the boys' baskets...

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It's now 1am...better go to bed before they get up and start eating that chocolate!!
Happy Easter everyone!

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Practically perfect in every way.

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We went to the Zoo, 4 of my children, one girlfriend, a spare kid and I.....

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Alligators and snappy things.

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3 days of sunshine and look at these boys!! They make all those pale kids look almost poorly!

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Elijah loves him some Melissa, as does Jordan.

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we went to the desert....

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and rode the train

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LOOK ! It's an ISAAC not pulling a FACE! WHOOHOO a rare breed indeed!!

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Hell's teeth, he's a big bugger!

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WHEEEEEEEEEEE! Life is such FUN! said Seth.

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Big old turtles.

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Sometimes life is so perfect you just have to hug a tree!

when we got home, an hour or two of basketball.......

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SCORE! ( or whatever it is when you get one in the net!)

Fish and chips for supper, today was as perfect as it could be.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

My heart.......and my Isaac.

Is happy today, it is also normal, good sinus rhythm, normal happy heart. Perhaps a just a panicky heart.
I had my ECG, all 30 seconds of it, many blood tests, results back in a few days. Mind put at ease.
Elijah was at grandma's house today so after my tests, H and I went to Torquay, shopped for some Easter basket goodies, bought our tickets for the coach trip to London and had lunch. Walked in sunshine, could I ever get weary with sunny weather? I think not.
Collecting the boys from school, H was thrilled when Isaac's teacher ( who I love more than chocolate!) told him that today...... he read THREE BOOKS, out loud, in a beautiful clear voice. As a result, when she had picked herself up off the floor, she has advanced him THREE levels in reading. He is now on turquoise readers. That is pretty close to Seth's level ( Seth is on free readers, which means that he has completed all levels and can read whatever he jolly well pleases from any shelves in the library)
I love reading through both boys progress books. Seth's comments are almost always about how expressive he is and well done. Isaac's tell a tale in that sometimes it will say that he mouthed the words, sometimes that he just couldn't do it at all, occasionally he reads the title in a whisper. We have known for a long time that he can read, and well. HE just hasn't been able to show anyone at school, he has read word sheets, quietly, once he read 100 words, using a hand puppet today when he read 3 books out loud, well, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see the excitement. Seeing the comment in his progress book ,it looks as though his teacher has almost gone right through the book with her pen, so dark and strong is the writing. This teacher is so fond of Isaac, she fills up whenever he passes a hurdle, I think she will miss him when he goes into year 2. I know I will miss talking to her and seeing just how thrilled she is with every new step.
Oh, this evening, Jordan was teasing the boys and getting them to try and say 'specific' he laughs at the amount of people who say 'pacific' the boys were saying it and getting it right and then wrong...then I said to Seth, never mind say it, can you spell it?
'S.P.E.C.I.P.H.I.C.' Jordan just about fell over! Seth was mad that he said P.H instead if F. Smarty pants! I just love it that these boys love reading so much ( and being read to) I bought a book of the Easter story today ...H read it to them and Seth was telling him the story before he read it, they have been learning the story of Easter at school this week. Seth is really loving anything to do with scripture, he is so like H in that he just loves all the facts and historical parts, who is who, where they were, what life was like. I am much more 'into' the heart side of it all, the spiritual aspects, how things pertain to us in our lives. The names and places shoot right over my head, who was father to who ( whom??), where they lived etc. never sticks in my head but its all those things that Seth and H remember and discuss.
H started reading the old testament with them this week ( imagine!!) he started by explaining what the old testament covered and then said " oh wait.....yeah, I think I did" disappeared for a bit and came back with a 'book' he had compiled, he remembered that he had rewritten the old testament ( with pictures) in a way that was child friendly. WHEN did he do that? HOW does he do that??? And ' Oh, yeah I think I did"????? As if it was something he did one night when he was bored and he forgot?? Incredible.
Last day of school tomorrow, then 2 weeks Easter holiday. We're told the weather is going to be splendid......we have all kinds of fun planned. Isn't it great when there is plenty to look forward to? I am so relieved that the scare about my heart proved to be just I have to keep telling myself that next time, it could be the real thing. I have no choice but to take better care of myself and change the way I do a whole load of things. Probably in small ways to start, old habits die hard but they will die , this dog needs to learn new tricks. Cliche heaven.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

All in the mind...or not.

Nits. Ick. I am an old hand at this is Sophie had the sweetest head that nits loved and we spent way too many hours picking nits and trying every remedy known to man to kill the buggers.
I have found a new spray that is non chemical and works, smells of liquorice which is nice. We did that today, Isaac was clear ( hoorah for autism when it comes to nits) Eli too, Seth and I had some, Seth was the bringer of all things itchy, ewwwwww! Haircuts all round yesterday which is when I found the creepy crawlies. Fabulous cropped hair that those pesky critters will have trouble clinging to ( we hope)
Why is it, when you go to buy the necessary lotions and potions, the people you try to ask discreetly, are always deaf or dim??
" hello! Could you tell me where the Lyclear is please?"
" Sorry?? the WHAT??"

" The Lyclear"

Blank look, shrug of shoulders


For heavens sake!!!
Then, try standing in a line, holding lotion and nit comb and try NOT to scratch your head! Almost impossible, mumbling to yourself " don't scratch! DON'T scratch, they will all think you are crawling and you don't know you have any nits and your head is only itching because you are thinking about's all in the's
It's things like this that remind me I am older than most mums with 3, 5 and 6 year olds. I have done all this and thought I had finished it, now I am doing it all again. Lucky me.
SO much easier the 2nd time 'round in so many ways. Sophie's nits made me squirm, this time, same old same old, kill 'em, clean up and get on with the rest of your life.

I was touched beyond words today, I grumble about H a lot, I think it comes with being together so much. He has some incredible points that really bring tears to my eyes though.
Seth is into basketball lately, for such a little squirt he is remarkably good. The routine has always been that H takes them to school, I pick them up. This last week, he has been collecting them too and he takes them all to play basketball. All 3 of them, every afternoon.
Eli and I went shopping this morning, when we got home, H had been out and bought basketballs and put up the hoop out the back. He had also found some old trophies, 3 of them, and polished them to gleaming gloriousness. All lined up in the kitchen ready to award 3 little boys for their various levels of splendidness. He played outside with them for 2 hours when they got home. These are the things I love about him. I get so BORED playing outside with little boys, I can go places and have picnics but stand around and throw a ball, hang around while they swing on swings and shoot down slides? I crumple at the very thought.
Ha...he just came down having had his shower ( and denitting himself! yum, liquorice head to smooch with) and showed me the trophies, he says they are for dart tournaments!! Isaac bought a magnetic darts board with his pocket money on saturday. See? He is great, drives me loopy sometimes with his eccentric ways but I think I'll keep him!
Actually, nit lotion has made our hair soooooo silky and soft, we will be like an advert for shiny making hair products as we walk in the sunshine tomorrow.
I am so enjoying the sunshine, little boys in short sleeves and soon we shall see knobbly knees and bruisie legs on parade, heartwarming indeed!