And today...

My news for the day is as follows,
My daughter has found a new 'place'
With a man in his mid to late 40s
With tattoos covering half of his face.

My house is a scene of destruction
Filled with laundry and toys old and new
These 3 kids are a gaggle of crazy
Quiet times are both precious and few.

On top of all this, is a new thing
Something awful to me, something tough,
When I tell you what this other thing is
You will see why I'm finding it rough.

I think we are moving one more time
I do hope that we manage this move
To a house that I found that is perfect
And will allow me to follow my groove.

Three times did we move in the last year
I am sick of the whole bloody game
But the house we are in is so awful
I am willing to do it again.

This house has a smell that is evil,
It has rotten and springy old floors
It has carpets that make my poor feet itch
And we can't shut but half of the doors.

The landlady,well she's just hopeless
Holding hands out for more and more cash
When we call with a list of requirements
She invariably says she must dash.

We have ceilings with holes that are leaking,
We have water that pours on our face
When we just try and sit watching telly
Please Lord, help us get out of this place.

The new house is lovely and special,
I walked in and just knew it was home.
IF we get it, we'll stay and we'll settle,
Never more will we have need to roam.

It is big and has nice cheery bedrooms,
It is friendly and light, spacious too.
The best and most precious of pointers
Is it doesn't at ALL smell of poo.

It has parking that is built just for MY car
Has a workshop for H and what's more
It has carpet that looks kind of jazzy
And what's more, not a hole in the floor.

It has showers that work and a toilet
That is all on it's on so you see,
When I lie in the tub with my bubbles
Eli can go right on in and then pee.

It has courtyards to put all my tubs on,
A utility room just for me
I'm not sure why my H couldn't use it
Just seems that's the way it will be.

So I'm asking, if you all wouldn't mind please
For a prayer, or some vibes or a thought
That our lives take a turn for the better
That we live in this house that we sought.

Tomorrow a nice girl called Sally,
Will call the new owner and say
That we're splendid, she knows us and she'll vouch
That she knows that our rent we will pay.

She's been our house agent before now
And she likes us and thinks we are grand
And if she can persuade the new owner
We will soon have the keys in our hand.

Once more we will pack up our boxes
And the bags and the furniture too
And we'll hire a truck and we'll move out
Then we'll move right on into the new.

I am thanking you all in advance now
For praying or thinking and all that.
Then I'm sure that we'll get what we ask for
A new place we can hang up our hat.

Oh,I have managed to fix my old washer,
It's filter was filled with old crap,
I googled what could be the problem
And fixed it, without any 'chap'

Yes, I did it myself, I am clever,
I am marvellous, bright and switched on,
Now it empties and spins and I'm happy
That the huge laundry pile is gone.

I got down on my knees and I studied,
That washer, every last little bit,
And I found where the filter was hidden
And oh my would you look at this shit!



Yes, indeed that WAS all in the filter,
Blocking every drop from escape,
It's no wonder that thing wouldn't empty
When I saw that my mouth was agape!

When I saw that small figure with arms up,
I thought he was laughing at me,
Til I saw that it had to be Jesus
Because of that cross..can you see?

I cannot believe there are sticks there
And some plastic and money as well.
There's a sticker,there's blues clues and look there!
There's even some fingers..oh Hell!

Never mind though because I have done it,
I mended it, made it like new.
I am feeling incredibly happy, I am thrilled
Yes, I'm thrilled through and through.

There is some news that I just cannot share yet,
Though it's burning a hole in my head.
You will just have to wait for while yet,
Til I'm told that it's fine to be said.

Don't you hate it when people will do that?
When they give you a snippet and run?
I admit that I hate when YOU do that
When I do it though, it feels sort of fun.

Oh well I think it is time now,
To go up to bed and to sleep.
Don't forget when you say your goodnight prayers
To ask that the house will be ours soon to keep.

I am never quite sure how to end these,
These poems I write all the time,
So I'll just say goodnight and then hope that
I can make the last line fit with rhyme.

( Yeay I did !!)

Early days.

So, some details. Wednesday night, after everyone had gone to bed, I felt so uneasy. Sad about the move, not about leaving the barn as such because that was always going to be a temporary thing, we looked on it as an opportunity to stay somewhere fabulous, something that we thought otherwise we would not ever get to experience. We had 8 weeks and we crammed those weeks full of fun, we had parties and get togethers and those boys made such memories of trips to the wilderness and time with great friends. Every day was used to it's fullest. I cried, as I said goodbye, on my own to a sparkling clean barn and that smell that will ever fill me with fondest feelings of safety and peace. I cried because of the lack of choice. This feeling of being picked up and put down and cast aside without a thought.
I am regretting not taking pictures before we cleaned. It was so horrendous that I was unable to mark it forever. I wanted rid of that horror, more than the filth was the oppressive feeling the house held, I knew that we would be able to make it a home, I just felt so mad that this was it, this was our 'choice', what had we become?
Now though, we are beginning to bask in the feeling of enormous satisfaction but underneath that is the gnawing worry that somehow we may have bitten ourselves in the bum.
the landlady has said that if we stay here, the rent will be £750.....the same as the lovely house and the barn. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OK so it's a reasonable sized house, it is NOW clean and habitable, although it has several points that go against it, the crumbling and unsafe attached flat, the fact that the washer and drier are sat in the middle of the kitchen with no outlets, we have to use extension leads that get so hot we can only do one load at a time and never wash and dry at the same time...imagine how inconvenient THAT is with 3 little grime magnets.
It has a good sized garden that NOW is clear and great to play in, but only because WE made it that way, it was a jungle out there and dangerous. So, if we appeal and get someone in to assess what this place is worth, they are going to see it as it is NOW, not how it was before we worked our magic.....ARGH this is why we always need those before pictures.
The lady from the council who knows all about our landlady and named her without me even giving a clue...she wants details, she wants to know it all and will fight our case, if we had before pictures.....we'd be laughing!
I worry that this will all end in a big mess, I hate confrontation but we have been taken for a ride. We could be taken for a longer ride if we don't get tough and start saying enough is enough. My feelings now are that we are here.....we want a house that is stable and secure and ours. We are never going to get that with this landlady ( duh, slow me!) I have to remind myself that as pleasant as she is to me, that is because it serves a purpose for her, she is getting a great deal here AND having us PAY HER for the privilege of living in her tumbled down homes that need so much work, the barn was the exception and look how fast she got us out of there! Now she is telling me that the sale of the barn could have fallen through and ' oh dear' you moved for nothing ...but 'oh well now you have that house and we'd like over the top rent now it is so nice and all.' We are adamant that we will not move to any more of her homes though, this is it, she can evict us and we can hope that this time, with the new, knows what she is doing and appears to be on our side council lady, we will get the help we need.
If not, we are looking at other private rentals with heavy hearts and weary souls.
At the moment we are taking a deep breath and knowing that we have at least 6 months to take stock and relax. February at least before we have to pack a box or fill in a change of address form. *EXHALE*
On wednesday night, when Isaac woke us at 3am, when we heard that someone trying to get in with a crowbar, well that was a low point. Just for a few moments I hot rock bottom until I saw that Isaac had gone right back to sleep. He woke us, told us his fears and then went back to sleep, safe in his belief that we would deal with it , that he was safe and all would be well.
I just told myself that this was the only way to be, we have to trust that all will be well or we will be sink. We are doing everything we know to do, we are doing what we think needs to be done to keep a roof over our heads, we are working to make the very best of what we have, we are trying and because we are doing our part, I am pretty sure that things will work out for the best.
I have a hospital appointment on tuesday for some more extensive tests on my heart. We are going to try and find out what the chest pains are all about, what we can do to stop them.
I have decided that I should go back and see Jan the counsellor again, get back on track and quieten my mind. Yesterday H tapped my temple and said " Man, does that ever stop working in there?" and the answer is no, never, 24 hours a day the brain is whirring and spinning and buzzing and it is sooooooooo tired.
I went for a nap today at 2 o'clock, I didn't open my eyes until 7pm SEVEN O'CLOCK????? I knew I was tired but that's more than I ever sleep at night. I haven't been napping lately as there is just so much to be done and with the boys home, it is unfair to expect them to be quiet during the day.
They go back to school on wednesday, I am so not ready, those weeks flew by and we had fun. Isaac is frightened and I know it is going to be so hard for him this year. He will miss his beloved Anne. He has to start all over again and he is so afraid of all the new things, new people, new classroom, new routine. He has already said the he knows his mouth won't work and I believe him, I can see that he will be back to the silent boy again for a while. I just hope he can be happy again, I am sure he will be. He says he isn't moving anymore and he will just move into the flat and stay there, we can go again if we want but he is staying here, no more moving. I hope maybe just one more, but not yet.
This week I am paying the final payment on our holiday. Hard work but we are almost there and this will be a time of tightening our belts and gritting our teeth, this is what is keeping us on our feet, the thought of those 3 weeks, recharging our batteries and having some FUN, oh fun......I think we know about that and look forward to having some more of it, in the sunshine of California. Then we pay mum back and try and squirrel some spending money together and it will be time to board that plane before we know it! ( ooh scary and exciting all at the same time)
So there you have it for now. Still so much to do ( all the forms and changing of address this week, ack, hate that part most of all.)
The house is feeling more like a home but I'm not quite there yet, early days though, early days.

Guns and hammers.

I hate phone calls at midnight, or 5am or anytime that isn't in the middle of the day actually.
Dan always calls at bizarre times, never before 11pm, very often before 7am. This time he called at 5.20am. I try to be cheerful to hear his beautiful voice but sometimes I am grumpy. I am grumpy because I am so sure that the only reason the phone is ringing is to tell me someone died or is in hospital, weird as I have never had a phone call like that ( oh yes I did, 6.05am when my dad was breathing his last breath) For some ridiculous reason I always feel like I MUSTS sound like I wasn't asleep. " HELLO?! " Here I am wide awake just waiting for your call, you'll never catch ME out. ( unless you call at 2.30 in the afternoon, my favourite nap time, take your chance on that one if you will)
Anyway he called at 5.20am with his usual cheery and LOUD phone voice ( Dan, if you still have this blog address and are still reading, you DO have a loud phone voice, I still love you though) He called to tell me that he had just been chased by a man armed with shotgun and hammer. What a way to wake up. I really woke up and I don't think I have been back to sleep yet.... GUN AND HAMMER!!!
He was walking back from job #1, hotel manager and walked past a man in a doorway, job #2 ( policeman)makes him notice shady characters, he looked at the man and recognised him as a wanted shady bloke, as he recognised him, the man also recognised Dan. Dan walked past, went 'round a corner and called the police right away, as he was speaking he saw the man coming after him and as as he walked faster so did the man........til they were both running. Luckily armed response vehicles arrived and caught the bad man who had just done something horrible. Nice policemen who caught the bad man and saved my boy. It was 5.20am because he had been at the station writing his reports etc. all night long.
Being mother to grown kids is a million times harder than parenting babies, toddlers or under 12s.
Jordan is in Turkey, a foreign country, flying on planes and probably not putting sunscreen on or wearing a hat.
Sophie is Sophie and we try not to think to hard about what she is or isn't doing if we can help it.
Dan is getting chased by bad men with guns and hammers and walking outside when it's dark without a mummy or anything.
My hair is grey. It's winning the battle of weariness and worry.
Little people are so much easier, it's a case of shovelling mess and living with noise of such levels that your ears bleed and beg to fall off your head. I don't think I have ever seen a mother with jug ears, mothers always have ears close to their heads, it's where they are trying to escape, flatten themselves hard against the head before folding in on themselves and escaping.
Mothering little boys is more about settling arguments about who is breathing the loudest and who should be allowed to climb out of Seth's bedroom window or throw THAT basketball as opposed to any of the other 54637221 ones.
Seth has discovered reading with a vengeance. Sticky history books at the moment, he keeps disappearing into his room and curling up on his bed and reading. Oh joy of my heart. He loves having his own room, I love him having his own room and to see him read, to hear his yell " I am reading myself to sleep....DAD! I am reading myself to sleep OK?" Sheer heaven. Stay little, please for a long time.
I dread the day these little people start needing independence. I dread it.
I love this age, Eli is 4 in 2 weeks... FOUR. Isaac is 6 next month, Seth 7 next month. Someone put a hold on it right now ( or maybe when Eli is out of night time pull ups, which will be any day now, surely to goodness??) I can even cope with the toothpaste murals on my just cleaned bathroom, I will live with the wrappers that never make it into a bin, I will love the wet clothes ( n'er mind, itter dry) that Eli leaves scattered everywhere, or even never finding a complete pair of shoes because Eli cannot see a shoe belonging to anyone else and not wear it, just long enough to take it somewhere else ( our new garden is REALLY big by the way and shoes? They take a lot of finding in this place!) I'l take it
all rather than the stuff that comes with teenagers and grown kids.
I have been taking pictures of life in our barn, but with dial up....it could be a while til I download them and post any. We should have broadband back next week, I hope. Oh go on then...here's just a taster.


Looking out of the window in all te rain, wishing they could get out there! What can they see??

THAT's what they can see.......they want OUT there!

Look at the fat frog...



We have had some great sunshine the past 2 days, thank goodness, the rain was drowning my soul. I bought a rotary drier the other day, such joy I have in hanging my clothes out to dry in the country air, I honestly do keep looking outside to see my clothes line ( hello? Life? What happened?) I love the sound of the crunching gravel as we walk across to the laundry room.
The sun has made us all so much more cheerful. H has worked on the garden, little boys have played in the grass, been exploring in the open spaces, we have found fat frogs and little black scorpion like things, we have found balls and butterflies, they found the tiny stream at the bottom of the garden at 8 o'clock last night, I watched when they thought we weren't watching and it was priceless to see them looking around to see if anyone would stop them jumping and throwing stones, digging and splashing.
They are constantly dirty, sweaty, grimy, dishevelled. Perfect. One of these days I might take a picture of the bath tub AFTER the plug is pulled and they are out, squeaky clean in fresh pyjamas ( that stay fresh about 3 minutes because remember the bathrooms and bedrooms are downstairs.... blink and the buggers are out again.) that slimy, grimy, filmy layer is so not pretty!
Anyway, I digress, I was saying how much easier it is to be mum to little people than the big ones, I am so thrilled that Dan thinks of me when something huge happens to him, I love being first on his call list. I love the fact that he thinks of me and wants to tell me stuff, I just wish that stuff happened a bit earlier, or later or not in the middle of the night, just sometimes.
I shall pray that the stuff he wants to tell me don't involve guns and evil people too.

I heard my husband sing.

This is part of the back garden, the fence on the left is the one that we hope keeps the bulls out! I also hope it keeps the Eli in. The land on the right of the fence is ours too, it has a little stream running though it, we may just use the fenced in part, H will decide that, as it is him that will have to cut all the overgrowth back and mow the grass!

This is at the front of the house, next to the garage. I think we will have a
barbecue area right here.

still at the front...oooh imagine the boys throwing the stones, what fun!! The house is to the right, garage and annex to the left.I can park right by the front door if it is raining, what a treat!



I love this kitchen I do, I will stroke it and clean it and it has a dishwasher and I will use it even if it makes H cry because he doesn't believe in them.


And our room with lovely doors and it will have our big comfy bed in it

It's very lovely isn't it!

Today, I heard H sing, he doesn't sing, except at church where he sings with gusto but not much melody, his heart sings like an angel because he means every word of every hymn, apart from that he doesn't sing. Today he was singing downstairs, he was singing because I packed Sophie's things.
That should be a sad thing really, but this man has been put through sheer hell for nearly 8 years, he has put up with it, sometimes not put up with it, had a heart attack during one spat, he has kept his mouth shut at times when a lesser man wouldn't have been able to. He has never ever told me what to do, he has yelled and nearly blown a gasket many a time.
When he saw that I had reached a limit and understanding when this has to be it, he sang because he knows that that chapter is over. I will still and always be involved and part of whatever she does and wherever she is, but she won't be here, daily making life difficult and unhappy for everyone, including herself.
She is safe, she is, I am told, making moves to live elsewhere.
I knew it was time to make it real, pack up her things and then let her know they are ready and I will take them to her, I went to see her today, saw her poker face, talked to her while she glared at me and managed very well not to weep until I got home.
I found letters under her bed that she wrote to me and didn't give me, I hope that's because even she isn't that mean....they were mean, really heart wrenchingly mean and if they were meant to hurt, they did their job, while I can accept her drunkenness and her rage, her sadness and misunderstanding, it still hurts.
I hope that she can be happy, that she can learn something. I hope that one day she believes that I love her, have always loved her and will always love her. I want to like her as well. Right now that is a tall order.

So then....

We've had a day of being stunned. yesterday was such a blur, unbelievable to us, at 4am H and I were still looking the pictures and then at each other and then at the wall and then shaking our heads and saying 'imagine'.
I am thrilled and excited and terrified and hey guess what, the cows in the field next to us aren't cows they are steers and a BULL, mean looking bugger too and the fence is a bit little and flimsy and easily climbable, worry number 1, "Eli", we keep saying, "what do BULLS do? If you climb in their field or throw toys at the them.. do they like it? " He replies with another question, like " tan I frow him a chip? Tan I frow shoes?" It could take a while to get the message across.
Also, white walls. Beautiful wood, posh things + 3 boys. Worry number 2.
The rest is all so glorious, we have no idea how long this one will last, it is on the market ( for £399.000, dear life!) but isn't selling, I hope it won't sell but if it does, landlady says she will pay our expenses and find us another house, and so on. We won't tell the council we have a place until we actually move, that way if they come through for us, well we will take that house and forego posh chalet type holiday home with white walls, garden of dreams and bulls next door for reality and security and little rent payments. All along I have said we will go for a council house unless a home is thrust in our faces and screams LIVE IN ME PLEASE, which is what happened yesterday.
I sort of wish you could have seen me when we arrived at that house, with its 10ft oak gates and gravel parking yard, when I saw that kitchen and realised that she was really saying we could live there.....I wanted to pee or pooh or weep or fall at her feet and kiss her lovely shoes. I think I just said thankyou a lot and made a sort of squeaky 'heh' noise every 9 seconds.
Mum has a house too, it is coming together, we are at the neck cracking, head thumping stage of knowing that it's all nearly OK, wishing we were 6 weeks ahead and settled and looking back at all this and laughing at it all.
Roll on summer. All that outside, all those lovely widows and fresh air ( and hopefully not too much bull pooh smell, although we might have become immune to all things Bullshitty.)
So, 4 weeks today we will be there in our splendid new residence. May it come quickly and may we be able to get things done here, without 3 little people undoing it as fast as we sit back and feel as if we have achieved something, bless them one and all.

Oh my good heavens....would you look at this!

This is our NEW HOME!! We move on june 28th, it belongs to our landlady, she is just transferring our deposit, the rent will stay the same but look, would you just LOOK!



yes all that land is for US 1 acre!!!




and so is this....double garage




and this is a whole building on its own a whole utility house ...with playroom and another bathroom.



and the kids bathroom has a jacuzzi!!!



And our bedroom leads out onto a patio...and grass and fields and COWS AND SHEEP!!!


and our room..with slopey ceilings and beautiful wood and an EN SUITE bathroom!!!!



with a double power shower, thankyouverymuchohmy gosh.



and you go UPSTAIRS to the living area which is just so bloody posh I nearly peed.



look at this kitchen with its hidden fridges and dishwasher and shiny things.



and the living room with fresh air and windows and a view
and lovely bedroom for the boys...



and this huge garage



and the doors....



and ..look, if you ever have the chance to do good, even if it seems terrifying and you can't see how it will turn out, choose to do good, it pays off. Oh dear heaven. IF this house we live in now is hard to leave......I don't even want to think about leaving the new one, let's not.

And the GOOD news is...

While I was at the council offices again today, going over forms and hearing how difficult this whole thing will be but how he will be really quite high up the list and if we accept any area we will stand a better chance etc.... well he said that for sure they can help the Sophie girl.
I know I am being the tough love mummy right now and making her stand on her own two feet and nagging and barking and pushing and generally getting wearier by the second, I know she has to do this I have to do it, it is the right thing will be the making of her blah blah BUT hell it's hard. She is one hard faced little madam but when she cracks she is so vulnerable. She is scared, which makes her stand still and shout a lot.
Hooray then that this council has many projects to help kids like Sophie who need extra support, she jumped out of bed and flew down there to fill in forms and register her needs.
Phew.
I will have to keep my eyes on what is going on but sweet relief to know that she will be taken care of..... even when you know you have to do something it doesn't stop you wishing things were different.
More cleaning and packing and piling and sweeping and dumping today and a bit more of it tomorrow before we head to the beach for the day again. It is still gloriously sunny and hot and we all need to step out and grab us some of that while it's there. The boys head back to school on monday, we've had a great school holiday, another day of sea and sand will be just the ticket tomorrow.
I am officially an old mare. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor, my blood pressure is still up there with the eagles and other soaring things, my 'resting' pressure is over a hundred...not good, not resting at all in fact, so tablets for me. H and me popping the blood pressure pills before bed such bonding we never imagined.
I think I am over the mourning for this house part, never one to hang onto misery when I can help it, I am grasping the possibilities before me and for once in my life refusing to think of how this could so end up horribly. I absolutely believe that things happen for a reason, if we embrace them and fight for the best usually it ends up as a good thing.
I am doing what I do best in standing up and facing the adversary and watch out anyone who thinks they might pull a fast one. I am leaving no stone unturned and hoping that we come out of this cocking a snoop at the landlords of this world who shall have no hold over us any longer.
I look forward to walking through carpeting shops and choosing lovely stuff that hides the dirt and smells clean. I shall meander through decorating shops and choose grand colour schemes.
I shall be saying MY house, OUR home, I shall look forward to marvelling at how we have been here 38 years now lovie doesn't time fly and do you remember when that Eli one was a grubby kneed little urchin playing in the gutter with little Kai down the road??
We will be getting a council house, I feel it in my water. Don't stop praying for it though, the more the merrier, I think God likes to hear from people on behalf of others, he likes to know we care about each other. Thankyou.