Early days.

So, some details. Wednesday night, after everyone had gone to bed, I felt so uneasy. Sad about the move, not about leaving the barn as such because that was always going to be a temporary thing, we looked on it as an opportunity to stay somewhere fabulous, something that we thought otherwise we would not ever get to experience. We had 8 weeks and we crammed those weeks full of fun, we had parties and get togethers and those boys made such memories of trips to the wilderness and time with great friends. Every day was used to it's fullest. I cried, as I said goodbye, on my own to a sparkling clean barn and that smell that will ever fill me with fondest feelings of safety and peace. I cried because of the lack of choice. This feeling of being picked up and put down and cast aside without a thought.
I am regretting not taking pictures before we cleaned. It was so horrendous that I was unable to mark it forever. I wanted rid of that horror, more than the filth was the oppressive feeling the house held, I knew that we would be able to make it a home, I just felt so mad that this was it, this was our 'choice', what had we become?
Now though, we are beginning to bask in the feeling of enormous satisfaction but underneath that is the gnawing worry that somehow we may have bitten ourselves in the bum.
the landlady has said that if we stay here, the rent will be £750.....the same as the lovely house and the barn. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OK so it's a reasonable sized house, it is NOW clean and habitable, although it has several points that go against it, the crumbling and unsafe attached flat, the fact that the washer and drier are sat in the middle of the kitchen with no outlets, we have to use extension leads that get so hot we can only do one load at a time and never wash and dry at the same time...imagine how inconvenient THAT is with 3 little grime magnets.
It has a good sized garden that NOW is clear and great to play in, but only because WE made it that way, it was a jungle out there and dangerous. So, if we appeal and get someone in to assess what this place is worth, they are going to see it as it is NOW, not how it was before we worked our magic.....ARGH this is why we always need those before pictures.
The lady from the council who knows all about our landlady and named her without me even giving a clue...she wants details, she wants to know it all and will fight our case, if we had before pictures.....we'd be laughing!
I worry that this will all end in a big mess, I hate confrontation but we have been taken for a ride. We could be taken for a longer ride if we don't get tough and start saying enough is enough. My feelings now are that we are here.....we want a house that is stable and secure and ours. We are never going to get that with this landlady ( duh, slow me!) I have to remind myself that as pleasant as she is to me, that is because it serves a purpose for her, she is getting a great deal here AND having us PAY HER for the privilege of living in her tumbled down homes that need so much work, the barn was the exception and look how fast she got us out of there! Now she is telling me that the sale of the barn could have fallen through and ' oh dear' you moved for nothing ...but 'oh well now you have that house and we'd like over the top rent now it is so nice and all.' We are adamant that we will not move to any more of her homes though, this is it, she can evict us and we can hope that this time, with the new, knows what she is doing and appears to be on our side council lady, we will get the help we need.
If not, we are looking at other private rentals with heavy hearts and weary souls.
At the moment we are taking a deep breath and knowing that we have at least 6 months to take stock and relax. February at least before we have to pack a box or fill in a change of address form. *EXHALE*
On wednesday night, when Isaac woke us at 3am, when we heard that someone trying to get in with a crowbar, well that was a low point. Just for a few moments I hot rock bottom until I saw that Isaac had gone right back to sleep. He woke us, told us his fears and then went back to sleep, safe in his belief that we would deal with it , that he was safe and all would be well.
I just told myself that this was the only way to be, we have to trust that all will be well or we will be sink. We are doing everything we know to do, we are doing what we think needs to be done to keep a roof over our heads, we are working to make the very best of what we have, we are trying and because we are doing our part, I am pretty sure that things will work out for the best.
I have a hospital appointment on tuesday for some more extensive tests on my heart. We are going to try and find out what the chest pains are all about, what we can do to stop them.
I have decided that I should go back and see Jan the counsellor again, get back on track and quieten my mind. Yesterday H tapped my temple and said " Man, does that ever stop working in there?" and the answer is no, never, 24 hours a day the brain is whirring and spinning and buzzing and it is sooooooooo tired.
I went for a nap today at 2 o'clock, I didn't open my eyes until 7pm SEVEN O'CLOCK????? I knew I was tired but that's more than I ever sleep at night. I haven't been napping lately as there is just so much to be done and with the boys home, it is unfair to expect them to be quiet during the day.
They go back to school on wednesday, I am so not ready, those weeks flew by and we had fun. Isaac is frightened and I know it is going to be so hard for him this year. He will miss his beloved Anne. He has to start all over again and he is so afraid of all the new things, new people, new classroom, new routine. He has already said the he knows his mouth won't work and I believe him, I can see that he will be back to the silent boy again for a while. I just hope he can be happy again, I am sure he will be. He says he isn't moving anymore and he will just move into the flat and stay there, we can go again if we want but he is staying here, no more moving. I hope maybe just one more, but not yet.
This week I am paying the final payment on our holiday. Hard work but we are almost there and this will be a time of tightening our belts and gritting our teeth, this is what is keeping us on our feet, the thought of those 3 weeks, recharging our batteries and having some FUN, oh fun......I think we know about that and look forward to having some more of it, in the sunshine of California. Then we pay mum back and try and squirrel some spending money together and it will be time to board that plane before we know it! ( ooh scary and exciting all at the same time)
So there you have it for now. Still so much to do ( all the forms and changing of address this week, ack, hate that part most of all.)
The house is feeling more like a home but I'm not quite there yet, early days though, early days.