BUMP!

That's me,coming back down to earth.

I.Don't.Like.It.

I couldn't understand why I felt this way, I have never been this miserable coming 'home' before, I always like to come home. Then I realised that this is the first holiday I have ever had, real holiday, no worries, no work, no stress, time to please ourselves and money to spend on whatever we choose.

Then we came home.

The flight was great....we had a full row right at the front of the cheap seats, so we had leg room and more leg room and no-one on front to worry about, you know with Isaac and the touch screens and the lap tray. Heaven. HEAVEN.

I was worried, I can tell you now, about H. Long story short ( may have already written about it) H's ex wife was on benefits when he was at university, so he had 3 years of non payment of child support, which with interest was so much it was impossible to dent, he paid a huge amount back and even then, it looked like an impossible mountain to climb. The stupid laws in California mean that if there are arrears of child support, the man's drivers licence is suspended and passports are revoked.

When I came back to the UK, H worked like a dog to pay as much as he could off this balance, his tax return after a bumper year of selling with ADT then made a huge dent in it and suddenly, even though the balance was still terrifying, he received a letter to say that he was now eligible for a passport, he applied, received and kissed his passport, immigration was done and he arrived here the day before I went into hospital to have Elijah.

We have never stopped being grateful that he was able to get his passport and felt that the angels were with us. I ( because I am so good at worrying about everything) had visions of us touching down in the US and the security people saying " Aha! There you are!" and then tearing up his passport because the interest had made his balance at the child support place astronomical again, the plan was that we apply for his English passport and all would be well, H is a procrastinator extraordinaire, he didn't get the papers in on time, so he travelled with is American passport.

Marvellous, we sailed through every stage of the trip out there, holiday done....worry time again ( what if they didn't mind him coming back INTO the country but would take umbrage at him trying to leave) Phew, took a LONG time to check in, grumpy woman at the desk read every word in every passport, checked and double checked our faces and I know I didn't make it up, but she definitely checked H's passport twice ( he said she didn't but he wasn't sweating and praying and worrying, he was merely depressed at leaving his country and coming back to the Land of no sun) Still, long time but no trouble , we went though security ( with removal of shoes and scanning of MANY bags, took 1 suitcase, 2 holdalls and 2 back packs with us.....came back with 7 suitcases and 6 backpacks, I kid you not, I paid my uncle to drive it all down here because there was NO way it was ever going to fit in our car. ) Isaac's backpack screened as suspicious.....he got some night vision goggles for Christmas, they looked scary under x ray!! Cool to see the swabbing and testing for explosives!) then we went to the departure lounge and waited 3 hours ( have lots of pictures but have yet to download, maybe tomorrow) Eli was happy to be going home.



H? Not that he would ever say, complain or whine.....but I had the most enormous lump in my throat because I KNEW how he must be feeling, if I had ever come back here for a trip and then had had to go back to live in the states....I'd be feeling it too. I just downloaded some pictures.....this one actually made me cry a bit, it's at the airport, about 2 hours in and just before we were going to board,



Seth wasn't too happy about leaving grandpa either...



Settled onto the plane and were enjoying the moment of watching tall people squash their legs into the cramped spaces allotted them whilst we stretched and showed off, because we had the front row, with masses of leg stretching space and the big screen TV, tutting and rolling our eyes at people having the nerve to walk through our space to get to the aisle on the other side. ( see that huge man in the background, he sat behind H.....he was SO tall and his legs must have been so cramped, shame)



Just as I was thinking that things were going beautifully and thinking that maybe I wouldn't need that diazepam after all, along came a flight attendant shouting " Do we have a Howard ******* on the plane? Howard ****** !!!"

HE put his hand up and she asked " Are you Howard ******** where is your passport?"

Can you imagine what I went through??? Turns out that he was showing as checked in but not boarded, somehow the boarding card didn't register, Al was well, my heart was allowed to keep beating.
We arrived back in England, ( raining and sort of cold but not painfully so) and drove in Barry's car (with trailer) to his house.
I am ridiculously tired and so can't remember whether I wrote about Barry's house before, skip this is I did.
Uncle Barry is dad's older brother, he is now either 74 or 76...he lives in the house he was born in. My Nan loved her house and lived there her whole married life. She gave birth to her sons in the bed they were conceived in, it is still in her bedroom, the same bed, same mattress and probably, the same pillows. OH MY GOOD HEAVENS. We slept there. Also, there is no heating.....apart from a gas fire in the teeny tiny lounge. The floor still has the original lino on it, with various old rugs. Same bathtub, same taps, same tiling, same doors ( same paint I suspect) it is a living museum. It is SO cold. We made beds on the floor for the boys ( but the wind is blowing under the bed and hurting may face!) we wrapped them up and they had blankets and hot water bottles and were asleep in minutes. I went to bed moments after H....he was lying very still, with the 15 blankets and eiderdown ( original, itch itch) up over his chin......so cold. I got into bed, want to know what time? 8pm HA HA! Tired isn't the word.....we fell asleep immediately......one of the boys woke up to use the bathroom, I took him and looked at the clock.....I was SO sure it must almost be time to get up. 10.30. Bloody hell. Back to sleep ( remarkably warm feather bed once that damp chill wore off, with 3 hot water bottles, socks and a husband) suddenly the light went on What the HELL? Elijah, apparently had woken up, been downstairs, eaten whatever he could find in the fridge, played with his toys and when he was bored, woke us up to play with him. 2.30am....ever had one of those nights that just keep going??
Seth woke up and so I dragged myself down to sit with them in the 6 x 9ft front room, put the fire on and sat...and told them to be quiet ( 3am our time, 7pm Californian time) they ate and played and without any warning, both at the same time they crumpled to the floor and lay very still. HOORAH! Took them back upstairs, crawled back into grandmas feather bed ( let's not think about 80 year old bed bugs) and fell asleep...until 8.30.
The drive back, oh dear. I decided I would follow Barry, rather than try and find my own way back. Mistake!
Barry has a theory, why drive on a motorway or a dual carriage way when there is a pretty back road?
He drives at 60mph, always, hell and high water 60mph. HE stays behind cars in the slow lane until he gets one that is driving at 58 mph, then he swerves out, overtakes and then right back into the slow lane, he doesn't overtake 4 trucks at a time, he overtakes one, back in the slow lane, overtakes the next one, back in the slow lane.....when I was following him, I had no idea if he was getting back into that lane because we had to leave the road and take another one, whether this was where we'd stop to eat.....so in and out and back in again.
As soon as I knew for sure where I was, I drove off into the perfect distance, wending my way home, for about 24 minutes when we hit traffic. It would seem that for some reason, Stonehenge ( bloody old pile of big rocks, what's the big deal?) was very popular and for over an hour we crawled along at 5 miles an hour......good view for a long time of bloody old rocks as we drove so slowly past.
Much muttering was going on, dear little boys were so weary they just stared ahead and made scarcely a sound the whole trip.
Oh the joy when I saw signs saying we were 34 miles from home, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.....I actually felt myself nod off and opened my eyes just as I was about to hit a wall...I had to stop and clear my head, with Seth saying " we'll be here an hour, I know it, I want to be at home, please don't sit here PLEASE!"
Elijah saying " Oh but I want to be at home right now"
We made it home.
No Sophie, with the key. Called her and got her answer phone, called my friend who had the other key, she said she could bring it soon but was at work. Jordan called and said he would go and find her, he was right outside where my friend works and so he went and collected the key from her and got a taxi over here, in we came, there she was, asleep on the sofa, the house was a pigsty, dishes everywhere, laundry everywhere, bottles and cans overflowing in the recycling bin, kitchen bins overflowing and get this, Dan hired a van TWO WEEKS AGO, and drove all her stuff here, it was still in the KITCHEN and the HALLWAY and all over the damn place. It took me FOUR hours to make her move it and she still hasn't done the dishes.
BUMP
Welcome home.
Last night I bought fish and chips for dinner.....cost me more than lovely meal for us all in a nice restaurant in the states.
BUMP.
Washing machine is broken.
BUMP.
No one made my bed this morning.
BUMP.
Had to buy bread and toilet paper.
BUMP.
However,
Lovely hot bath ( when did I have a shower last? It feels like weeks ago but really it was on wednesday. I most certainly have been washing in between, even in aeroplane toilets, using paper towels) I stood in Barry's freezing bathroom with the bath that doesn't work and wondered what that metal bucket filled with water was all about, my teeth chattering as I strip washed, I felt a bit like a maid in olden days, standing on cold lino washing my nether regions.....if I'd had to use the water bucket the scene would have been complete. I have no idea how some people can go days without a shower or bath, I must have at least one a day, change my underwear at least twice a day or I feel I ought to stand a great distance from everyone else for their sake. The bath I had when I got home was heavenly. My hair was so knotted ( I didn't even comb it this morning, would have made me cry with the cold and ripping knots out of my head, hell, some things have to just get left out on mornings like this one!)
My own bed.
Half a room of chocolate.
Have 14 lbs of skippy peanut butter in my cupboard, 5 huge jars of parmesan cheese ( Kraft)
So many bottles of Excedrin, Nytol and kids Ibuprofen that we look like drug addicts ( can only buy Tylenol in boxes of 14 here, you can only buy 2boxes at a time and if you do buy 2 boxes, don't even TRY to buy some childrens' Tylenol at the same time because it is NOT ALLOWED! Stupid law started to stop people killing themselves with an overdose, if you're that determined to kill yourself by taking paracetamol you'll just walk from one shop to the other until you have enough.) So, we had fun buying bottles with 500 in "LOOK.....500 in this one!!lets buy 3.....HA! they LET me!" ( seriously we DID that! And found it fun!!)
Have my own laptop back with lovely blogs in the favourites and my own buttons and stuff. ( as soon as I can stay awake long enough to read them I will, I missed reading you while I was away. I have fallen asleep twice while typing this.)
I am tired of eating, really tired of looking so fat ( H took pictures of me while I wasn't looking, darn it that he bought a camera, am horrified and yet determined the way I was 2 years ago.....here's hoping it works again, even if I lose it and gain it back, well better than just keep gaining, isn't it??) I am truly a fat person, not chubby or a bit overweight, I am a real huge blobby fat old lady. Darn it.
Slimfast is half price.
Shops here do loads of buy on get one free, real bargains in the grocery department.
I have a nice home, which could be fantastic, I intend to make it breath taking this year, watch me and Ebay work miracles.
I am going to move more. I don't mean house ( although that may well happen soon enough) I mean myself, I want to be well. I am not well, at all.
While I was away I had, the most horrendous case of strep throat, blisters and pus covering the whole throat and mouth. I had cold sores, I had the itching thing and then, just as my throat started to heal ( 10 days into the holiday) my hands went crazy, argh, blisters upon blisters, swelling like you wouldn't believe. They started to clear up on the day we were leaving, they are now merely thick skinned with nails down to the quick ( strongest steroid cream made and prescription only, that I took with me just in case!) the skin is now peeling off and well, you can imagine how beautiful I feel as well as look can't you?
Marilyn had some cream that was miraculous, it soothed my splitting skin and began to heal it almost right away. I sort of hated how it felt on my hands for about 10 minutes but it really works, REALLY.
So, when grandpa gave us quite a lot of cash, the day before we came home, H and I determined that our holiday would end with a bang....you think for a second we were going to bring back that cash, change it into pounds and halve it? Use it for what bills? Food......sod off...we were going to spend it, every last cent, watch us and see we said, he went one one, I went another with Marilyn and we darn near did it, he came back with nothing but change and I had $74, I decided I was going to Nordstroms and buy me some of that horrible feeling cream that would make my hands smooth. Off we went, hmmmmmm hand cream and also some Acne moisturiser that would make my skin look nice and clear......yes, I shall buy it because I have to spend this cash, ......Thankyou lady.....except Marilyn bloody well paid for it! "You bugger!! Thankyou" I said and then "well now what? Take me to Babies R us, I got me a grandbaby coming so let me at it!" Oh we had such fun and I almost bought the dandiest wing seat thing that swivelled and rocked and did it all...but I stopped myself, I had bought myself some lovely jangly necklaces and already had my beautiful leather handbag and new Fossil wallet, new clothes and shoes and more crocs, what else do I need.
My grandbaby got a big old pile of clothes ( And some pink ones fell in there, 3 weeks and we'll know if it can wear them!! ) I bought all kinds of gadgets I have never seen here too. This thing that washed pacifiers if they fall on the floor, slips into the nappy bag and what do you know? Wash them germs right off ( only Dan had a dummy out of my babies and I used to suck them when they fell on the floor, how sanitary!!)
I bought mats that go under the high chair, hooks that go on the stroller handle to hang your shopping on, load that pram up with your bags of shopping. I bought handy straps to put the drinks bottles in so the little git can't throw the juice away, books and toys and every kind of natty thing. Things that hang on the bath to keep flannels and baby wash in, one to hang on the cot for nappies and wipes etc, gas drops, a bottle that has a syringe in it, you draw up medicine and then it goes into the teat ( nipple) so the baby sucks it instead of spits it.
Snot suckers ( why can't we get them here?) I love this little blob baby, as much as I ever loved my own. I love being able to buy it things that sometimes, when it's your baby, you can't buy because you have to buy nappies and wipes and milk. I think that's a Nan's job. I got a T shirt that said " I didn't do it, you didn't see me do it and I wanna call my Nana"
Anyway, we're home.
I just unpacked the cream and moisturiser and damn it to hell and back, the stupid lady at Nordstroms gave me the TESTER for the moisturiser, I went to smooth some on my poor old weary face and it was all gloopy, ewww then I could hardly get any out and noticed it was the almost empty TESTER bottle. The saleswoman told us she usually worked on the Estee Lauder counter or something and was in a tizzy anyway, so she must have just grabbed that one and put it in the bag. If only I had had the chance to look at it while we still there!! Can hardly take it back and complain and get a new one. We got back just in time to throw it in a case and leave. Pttttttthhhhhhhh.
Also, H had one of those decal things made for the car, Dad, Mum and 3 little boys, one with a basketball, one with a guitar and one dancing. We left it behind and can't explain to grandpa what he should be looking for. I know it has to be right there in the front room....to him it may just have looked like a piece of paper left behind, I bet he threw it away.
Otherwise, all is well, all is back to normal and that, my dears, is as depressing as hell.
So, what we have to do is sit and make a plan, something to work towards and really set our sights on. I am forming a plan. Very good.

Grumpy Butts

I love it that H goes along with the PJ thing every year, this year it was Grumpy Pjs.....they looked divine as they all trotted off to bed, what a long day BUT I am so excited, I cooked the huge meal this evening, there were 13 people here and I did the whole English Christmas dinner. The great thing is, it's all done, over and finished and that means that tomorrow I have no panic, no worries, just fun. We can stay in our PJs until we go to the Movies, we can eat left overs and chocolate, we can all do whatever we feel like doing and I am absolutely making that a tradition from now on.
Everything is set out and ready for the day.







I have never had presents under the tree while they are awake before, I usually do it all when they are asleep, this year we have done so much differently and I like many of the changes.

I had some fun earlier, what can be more fun that doing this to someone else's baby?



She is so sweet and yes, I fed her chocolate, at bedtime....SMARTIES, bright pink ones and she loved them ( can you tell?) Everytime I give her chocolate she nods and gives this great sort of "uh huh" look, heaven.....this time next year I can do this with my grandbaby too and then send her / him home. I think I might have a mean streak hidden in there somewhere!!

Have a great christmas. 2 more sleeps and we'll be on our way home. Hard to believe it all went so fast! we have had a great time.
I had money left in the bank today.....I looked at it and though " hmmm, now I can keep that there or I can SPEND it" Want to hazard a guess which one won?? Yes, indeed. Now how we will get it all home??

Quite frankly....

I am just the gnats knickers.
I drove to Sacramento and around Sacramento, back from Sacramento and because it was quite obvious that i am perfectly brilliant at the whole driving around this enormous country thing, I drove through HOLLYWOOD! And then downtown LA and then back again.
I am still flabbergasted that if you turn right out of grandpa's road, turn right again a few yards up the road.....keep driving in a completely straight line for 416 miles, without turning or even veering slightly to the left...you will find yourself in Sacramento. Nothing in between but copious rest stops and fast food places and many farms, some of then with the stinkiest cows you ever dread driving past. What in the world??? Here you have 5 million people all living on top of each other, crushed in like ants and then just up the road you get 400 miles of open space and a few cows? Can't make head nor tail of it to be honest.
We had a good visit with grandma Nancy and her dog, Rio who hates children, chubby little poodle with the meanest disposition you can imagine meeting in a dog that looks like a duster. My foot was twitching to give it a short sharp shock into a world where you go to bite a kid, you learn pretty fast that it hurts you too, every time he went for the boys because they walked within 3 miles of a cracker he might want next week, grandma stroked him and told him he was OK and told the boys they shouldn't look at his cracker/toy/chair/front room/mommy. Good job she didn't leave me alone with it for long it'd learn what we do with mean little dogs ( which is shut them in the garage until nice little boys have gone home)
We went to H's aunties house for a get together and then we saw his mom's sisters.....such love and welcome there,they grabbed his cheeks and yelled 'HOWIE!' they squeezed him and kissed his face off, they asked him about his life in England, they had little presents for the boys, they bought soda and lollies, they pinched their cheeks and told them they loved them.
We saw Rob again and he was so much better, back at home with his medication and his mom checking his diet, he was much more like himself, still not quite right but at least not staring at the floor and hiding. He came with us to the Aunt's house and had fun, allowed the face pinching and photographs, he gave the most bizarre grin in all of them but at least he joined in.


Seth, Isaac and Elijah all look a sandwich short of a picnic in this picture as well and that's the best one out of the bunch, heaven help us all.

We went to the Jelly Belly jelly bean factory....heaven for the boys as the jelly belly is the ultimate treat, really the only candy that they enjoy.
We took some great pictures and did the tour of the factory so they could see just how huge this jelly bean thing is!







The boys loved Hollywood, we ate lunch in a diner, Isaac was in heaven with the juke boxes and their lunch arrived in cardboard cars of all things! We saw all kinds of activity on the main strip outside the Kodak theatre ( where they hold the finals of American Idol no less) we saw everyone from batman to chucky, all of then scared Elijah to death, he screamed the whole way down the strip! The only one not to make him scream was Spongebob squarepants. There were pirates and Catwoman ( who looked more like a dominatrix if I'm honest) there was Spiderman and The Joker, you name it, we saw it and Eli hated it!



You can imagine how he reacted when we tried to get him into the Hollywood Wax museum, with the life size Gorilla and haunted house can't you? Isaac was so disgusted with his feeble whining he punched him in the head, which really helped cheer him up!

So, we made it home and then H's nieces and nephews arrived, they are so lovely, funny and beautiful, they had boyfriends and girlfriends with them, we ate and laughed, Melissa had shoes on that made Elijah go weak at the knees!! It wasn't long before he had them on and almost wept when he had to give them back!



It was nearly 10pm before everyone left and so it's wonderful to be sitting her at last unwinding.
I can't believe that we have just 3 more days til we go home. the time has flown by although the Hotel seems such a long time ago already.
Jordan text me today to say he felt his baby kick for the first time! I am so excited about this baby and when we get home it will almost be time for the boy or girl scan....time is going so fast that s/he will be here before we know it. Such huge changes in our lives, so much to look forward to and work for. I have such hopes for 2008, so much to do!
I have been able not to worry about home, not to think about what we will do when we get back, whether to look for a new home, try and stay where we are......I just think that somehow we'll know what to do when the time is right.
Before I go to bed I have to share my favourite captured memory. Isaac has been a different child over here, completely unafraid and almost embarrassingly outgoing.....I caught him at a juke box in one of the many fast food places we have been in, my heart skips everytime I see it!

and a few more days....

So, hmmm, the last couple of days. I forget what day it is, what month it is and even what country we are in! A blur of busy busy and much excitement. Excitement such as chuck E cheese...because we heard all about it and all the FUN! So we went, and got lost and then found it and then there we were.
I really didn't know what to expect but had a sneaking suspicion that it was going to be one of those things you do because children like it, I was right...they liked it but eating was never going to really be a big part of the evening because the LIGHTS and the NOISE and the FUN! They really liked it and I liked the all you can eat salad bar, I think somehow we forgot about vegetables and fruit and salad while we've been here. I don't think I have been to burgerfied but the meat.......and the chicken and the wheres the vegetables? I have been doing that! So that salad and the green stuff and the fruit, oh so delicious.
Pictures.....

A startling resemblance in the ear department?


Such a serious business for my Isaac, this having fun stuff.


I went over to Seth because darn it if that little boy wasn't throwing his basketballs and I was all so protective and ready to scold little boy for using my defensive English child's token....until I discovered it was the little boy's token and Seth was 'helping' him by throwing his basketballs ....cringe, scold own child and go away to mind my own business!


Cute little carousel riding person. He is a bit lost over here and reacting by being a whiner, Please let the sweet Eli come home on the plane with us.

Today we went to the LA Temple, looked around the grounds, spent a fortune at the book store ( I loved that book store!) and then we saw a Hawk sitting on top of the temple..it looked so beautiful and then as it flew away I snapped it.....I wish the picture was clearer, because how clever that it was right next to the US flag...



I am missing my big kids, I haven't heard a peep from Jordan but have spoken to Dan and Sophie a time or two. Eli and I are ready for home, although we are still having fun. I hope that when we get home my skin calms down, since we have been at Grandpa's house my hands have flared up, its 4 years since I had the hand rash and this time is horrible. My hands are covered in tiny painful blisters, every one feels like a razor blade and the itch is miserable, luckily I bought my steroid cream with me because you can't buy the strength that I use, it is just about keeping it from exploding out of all control but not clearing it. The dermatologist said she wants to see me if and when they do this so if it is still bed when I get home I will have to get the Doctor to call right away and get me in, I hope she has a relief for it that is better than anything I am using right now.
When we get back I think it will almost be time for the big Nana baby ultrasound! Imagine that, we'll know whether it is a girl or boy....I wish I knew already, though that could be dangerous! The stuff I could buy if I knew! Oh my! I have bought some pretty wonderful things...it's getting everything home that could be a problem! When we get back to the UK, I think H is going to have to get a bus and take some bags with him, no way will it all fit in our car! From peanut butter to clothes, we've bought it.
everything we see is exciting to us, when we see all the 75% off racks it's like going into a trance, then we calculate how that is even half the price in £s and we almost have a giddy fit!
We took the boys to dinner at Hometown buffet tonight, Isaac hardly knows where to start...I swear he doesn't actually eat anything but the joy of being able to help himself to all that different food? Turns him hyper. Elijah likes to check out the restrooms, apparantly, the ones at Hometown buffet have really nice edges to the sinks, he stood stroking them saying " ooh, nice edges..see nat? Nice edges wigth dere" such attention to detail my boy has.

On friday I am driving ( yes me, ) down ( UP?) to northern Ca to Sacramento, posh minivan with me behind the wheel on these huge roads for 7 hours, makes me panic itch just thinking about it. I do not want to go. At all, even a tiny bit. H's mom is organising with her sister for all the family to get together and see us on saturday, 3827 cousins, aunties and their families, will see me, with my 3 cold sores, PMT spots, blisters, welts, frizzy hair and fat. Marvellous, just thinking about it brings me out in another batch of ugly sores. Maybe the kids will be such brats ( more of a probability than possibility the way they have been lately) that they will hardly notice me!
I feel a good nights sleep coming on, we are decorating a tree for grandpa tomorrow ( the boys chose the baubles at the 99c store...we're in for a treat of unimaginable proportions, I think I saw some purple baubles and thin red, green and gold tinsel, wow!)
we're doing things a little differently this year, I am cooking a christmas roast on Christmas eve, then on Christmas day we'll just eat cold meats and leftovers and are going to see a movie that opens on christmas day.
THE WATER HORSE
I am SO excited to see this movie and this will be such a different way to spend the day.
The holiday has been ( so far ) a success, it has reopened some sad memories but helping me to rid myself of the hangups that are behind those memories, I hope I reached H last night. He seems to have heard me....I hope so.
More tomorrow....ooooooh we're going to a swap meet! I just LOVE those things, so I am looking forward to that, better get a good sleep.

And so it continues ( both day and night)

Here we are at grandpa's house, so many memories and yet everything so new. Kara has worked so hard here and decorated, made it beautiful and welcoming. the dreaded blow up bed is actually rather grand, covered in glorious new bedding in rich reds and cream, it looks inviting and is incredibly comfortable. The boys have new backpacks with sleeping bags and a flashlight and are as cosy as bugs in a rug.
Everyone is asleep, expect me, I felt sleepy and as soon as I snuggled down on the farty sounding bed ( comfy, yes....quiet, no) I began to cough, and try not to cough and yet still cough. I have been ill since we got here, my throat has been raw and horribly sore, my bones ache, my head hurts.....ugh. I feel sort of better now as the cold is coming out ( in sores all over my face YEAH pretty me for Christmas!!) and I can swallow now but the cough.....dear me, I am driving myself nearly mad, don't you hate it when the one you love has a cough? You so WANT to be sympathetic, you need to understand- but at night, when all you want is to sleep and that damn hack hack hawking is going on, the bed shakes and the noise makes you jump every time you think you may actually be able to sleep? I have the hardest time not yelling " FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SHUT THE HELL UP WILL YOU?" So I lay there and tried not to cough, making girlie sort of ahem, ahem noises which do absolutely nothing to clear that demonic scratching, that feeling that the devil's discarded toenail clippings are sticking to your windpipe.
I had to get up and so here I am, thanking H for bringing his laptop, without it I would be watching something on TV that was not to my liking, I can't work out grandpa's TV at all, we watched too many episodes of " Little people, Big world" which is great, I like that show but it was one of those marathon deals, we did a loop and I realised we were back to square one and had no idea how to change channels to something other than football, or baseball, so we watched the Rolloff family go to the Bahamas a second time ( bloody show offs)
I am so touched that Seth seems to have taken up where he left off. When he was the tiniest boy he had a relationship with grandpa that made others envious, he would wait at the door for grandpa and then sit on the front step while grandpa took off his boots, they would sit in grandpa's room and watch The Three Stooges. That tiny boy laughed in all the right places and he adored his grandpa.
This evening he did exactly the same thing, only it was sport he was watching, popping out briefly for a drink and to say Hello but then right back in with grandpa, who needs anything more?
Now we are here I want nothing more than to just visit, we have done the shopping, we've been and we've bought, we seen and we've done. Now I just want to be with grandpa, do family things, eat dinner at the table, get ready for Christmas.
I can't tell what H is feeling, he cooked dinner, just like he used to, he is very quiet but says he doesn't feel any emotions ( which is probably true but annoying nevertheless) I haven't particularly liked him while we have been here and on one occasion I was reminded very harshly of why I had to leave here and get back to England. He is different here and not in a nicer way.
I think when he lived here a lot of his life was lived by shutting down, by NOT thinking, by putting his head down and just getting through it. He seems so shut off from everything here and I hate it. Maybe ( and he says this is the case) I am reading more into it and making my own assumptions but what I see, is what I see, and I really don't want any of that back, that's for sure.
Isaac is in his element, he is truly happy, he is funny and talkative, he enjoys the company and says he wants to live in America, that he was born here and doesn't want to be back in England at all, He says he isn't going to tell anyone about his holiday when he gets back.....I bet he won't either!
Elijah is having as much fun as he can but he is quiet and clingy, he needs his blanket and wants to be cuddled a lot, he ( and I ) will be happy to be home and amongst all we hold dear.
I see how much I have changed since I lived here, I grew harder I think and lived day to day. I was so afraid the whole time I lived here and I see now just how far I have come.
I think about going home, about Eli starting school and about all the opportunities there are for us in the future. I want to be sure to grab them and make them work for me. For us.

I see that I have lost the need to talk all the time, to fill empty spaces with chatter and to be busy busy......I am quite happy to sit and watch, to enjoy and listen. I am irritated by mindless noise and chit chat. I am an old and grumpy lady. I hear my mind talking and am so grateful that my thoughts stay in my head because I might be in a whole heap of trouble if it were otherwise.
All day today my head has been saying " Oh shut up..... " "are they EVER going to leave?" " Dear Lord does she ever stop talking?" " I don't CARE! Please stop telling me!" my mouth has been saying " really? Uh huh. hmmmmm, I know, yes...maybe not, I don't think so, uh huh, hmmmmmm"

This could be a very very long stay if we have company every single day, all day. I am becoming H, I need quiet, I need to do what I want to do and just enjoy doing it. To have to talk about every darn detail, plan it, unplan, it discuss it, make calls about it, recheck it all, discuss it some more, hear every detail of what when how and why......oh my aching eardrums make it stop.
We discuss what we would like to do and then we hear how THIS would be better, lets go HERE, eat THERE, do THIS, when? WHY?? Now?? Hurry UP! I end up switching off and saying I don't want to go anywhere thankyou, here is lovely, I am fine here, leave me here.....
Today we were happy here, the boys were happy, H was cooking dinner and it was like some kind of terrible atrocity would befall us if we didn't go OUT and dinner was going to HOURS what shall we do for HOURS where shall we GO? BOYS! where do you want to GO? Eventually, ground down by the need to be OUT and having FUN..we went out. Redondo beach, lovely,we like the beach, Seth LOVES the beach...except it was the amusement arcade at Redondo beach because we had to have FUN!!!
Oh my dear life, look, I know how to have fun but I found my poor head was giving me the hardest time " what the hell??? Why don't we just find a storm drain and just roll that money down it...... I'm not kidding you, those places to me are like purgatory, what fun is that? Endless shoving of coins into stupid machines and WHOOHOO we get a strip of tokens, at the end of the visit ( hoorah, there WAS an end!) we take out tokens and count then and what do you know, we can choose some piece of crap that we wouldn't think was worth the price at a dollar store. Yet we must have that plastic animal!! Let me have it! Oh sorry, you need $398 worth of tokens for that 50c animal, but LOOK you have enough for this 3 inch pot stand. Please.
So, it was time to leave and Seth was excited because we were going to the beach, right? Redondo beach? Try explaining to a 7 year old that this IS Redondo beach and we didn't go near the sandy bit because we were having FUN! YEAY! Fun!
Tears all the way home, and promises that we will come back, in the day, when we can play in the sand and not rush away. Promises like that don't mean too much when you're 7 and 'another day' seems way too long away.

Tomorrow I have to get to the post office, at this rate we'll be home before the postcards! Where we were was a tourist area, not a post office in sight, so I have been carrying around postcards and a parcel that should have been mailed a week ago, Eli needs to see Santa too because he may not know we are in America, what if he takes presents to England when we are HERE? Can't risk that happening, gotta go and see Santa tomorrow, times running out here.

I haven't coughed ONCE since I sat down here....Kara came home from a party and we have chatted ( I like to chat with her, she's cool, no inside head talking at all with that one!) I've written and read emails, and not a cough, not even a girlie throat clearing episode, what do you think the chances are of it staying away if I try and go to bed?

I do feel gloriously relaxed, i hope that my new found ability to sleep stays with me when we get home, I am bored with being awake at 5am every day I kind of like getting 9 hours sleep at night. I might have to force myself to just go to bed and not stay downstairs on my own.
So, I am off to snuggle down on the blow up bed that is comfy but makes farting noises, handy should you have flatulence and can let rip whilst blaming the bed, there are also 3 dogs here, the blaming possibilities are endless.

All good things must come to an end....

It's our last day / night at the hotel. Universal studios didn't happen ( for which I was desperately relieved!) so we took the shuttle to downtown Disney , which is the shopping area, and heaven. the kids think they went to Disneyland...win win situation there, all the fun, none of the $300ish entrance fee. We had such fun, saw the Rain forest cafe, bought some new animals because the 78263 we have at home can't possibly be enough. We went to the ESPN store / play place and when Eli and I were just about ready to eat our own bored brains we left those other 3 and went to build a bear, Elijah made a bear with jeans, sketchers sneakers ( "betoz I dot nem don't I mum?") and, are you ready for this?? A HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SHIRT OMG! He is beside himself with joy.





We bought soft disney T-shirts to sleep in ( for me) and we ate glorious Jambalaya, we drank lemonade and bought more basketballs because 7354 quite clearly is not enough.
Seth and Isaac have Lakers and NBA build a bears ( which Eli made, he put in the hearts and kissed them first) the boys are so happy with these bears and H tried very hard not to show his disapproval at such nonsense ( and I am not stupid, I had the girl cut off and discard all evidence of prices and such like, ignorance is bliss and such joy as these bears have already given is priceless, mothers know these things) The fact that they are colouring in the boxes the bears travel and have been quiet for 30 minutes so far makes them even more valuable to me!!
Evan after our extravagant and frivolous day we still spent less than half the admission costs for Universal and we have all this STUFF to show for it! Perfect.

The rain forest Cafe is divine, Eli was a bit jumpy about the snakes coming out of the ceiling and we won't remind him of that nightmare sized butterfly that FLAPPED IT'S WINGS ---ARGH!



I took pictures of the toilet paper while the boys were swimming with daddy, I breathed in the joy of clean beds, made for me, the towels folded, the beds, so soft and crisply clean every day. I will take the memories of this holiday with me for many years. It has so far been splendid beyond my dreams.









Grandpa's house will be a different kind of joy, family and all in this together kind of joy. I am looking forward to it but this part is hard to let go of, I'll be honest.

We have had the loveliest day here today and will go out for a great dinner this evening, soak up our last night of pampered heaven and tomorrow we'll start the next leg of our holiday. Marvellous.

Lovely but very long.

Am so tired my head might fall off and roll under the bed any minute. Great day at wildlife park that was a zoo really, lovely one but a zoo nevertheless.
Seth had a tummy upset on the way down...he said he needed the bathroom, then we could smell he needed the bathroom, we found a bathroom in the middle of a huge Japanese shopping place, cleaned him up and drove to the nearest Target, bought new clothes, Imodium for kids, sanitizer and wipes and set off again with a hope and a prayer. He sort of picked up and was fine, Isaac then started to whine at the end of the day, Eli thought he should say he had tummy ache too....I am tired of tummy aches, whining and puke but we are managing to have fun along the way too.
We stopped on the way home as grandpa's eyes were melting, we ate at a great place called Macaroni grill, delicious and friendly and SO busy that they give you a pager when they send you out to sit and wait your turn...HOORAH when the pager flashes and announces it's your turn to eat.
I really don't usually sleep on a car journey but couldn't keep my eyes open, I hate it when I nod off, wake up what feels like 3 hours later but is actually about 7 minutes and find I am still travelling and we are never going to get there, this is going to go on for days and I can't stand it......let me OUT! I hear myself tutting and occasionally whispering 'shit' because are we not there yet?
Now we are back and showered, life is alright again.
we are scheduled for a trip to Universal studios tomorrow, I say scheduled because it sort of feels like that, we get a bit bulldozed into making plans that must be made and sealed and ORDER the TICKETS NOW! and so we do, because it hurts less that way...until now, when we are SO tired and wish we had no plans other than sit in our hotel room and weep about the fact that it is the last night tomorrow. I want to spend hours smelling the clean towels and dropping things on the floor to see if they get picked up by someone else. I am literally weepy and spineless at the thought of leaving this little sanctuary, apart from the fact that when we are at grandpa's we won't have to do so much driving, every day, driving around for hours to get anywhere.
Pictures soon, I took a ton but all that downloading and cropping, photoshopping and posting...can't. Just can't.
I think my bank has kindly stopped my card working, nice way to save, can't use it anywhere.....I imagine I will have to call and tell them to let me spend my money thankyouverymuch. I hope that's what it is, can't think why else it won't work! They must have been having a cup of tea and chattering amongst themselves saying " Hmmm look, that Helen one , you know that miserable one that never does anything? Someone is trying to spend her money in California, stop it right now, put an end to such shenanigans immediately!" So I shall have to call and say it is me, in disguise as a go getting traveller. ** No sooner said than done, kind man on the end of phone said " ooooh yes, we saw that someone tried to withdraw x amount in Exciting wildlife Park, California....flagged as unusual activity and declined, I will let them know this is genuine and you can have your own money within 15 minutes" Smashing.**
Have to sleep, 9.30pm....insomnia? What's that then?

Chicken soup for my soul.

So we went to the beach, something about that, in December, that just soothes my soul. we saw Dolphins, right there in front of us, sea lions and sunshine, we drank hot chocolate and we found a man selling oysters, for $9.99 you get to pick an oyster and when he opens it you get to keep the pearl, I found a beautiful black pearl in my oyster, I want to get it set in a plain setting with a beautiful plain gold chain.

Look at this beautiful sunset...pure heaven.

Little boys in the hot tub.....Seth's face says it all

Isaac asked for a root beer float, of his own, not to share...all for him....I think he was happy!
G/pa told us today that Rob didn't get on the train..he made his way back to the house and won't leave. His mom said she had no idea he had come up here, he doesn't want to be with us....just near where his dad is. She said even at home, when he is taking his meds ( which he quite clearly isn't right now) she says he comes over every day and just sits in a different room to her, staring at a wall.

He is just so sick it's hard to know what to do. I am sad for him, except he seems perfectly fine with what he is and who he is. H is in a quandary though. He is mad because he has no clue what to do. In hind sight, we should never have told him we were coming, we should have just turned up to visit him. Had we even had close to a clue how bad he is we would never have let him know we were here.

He has no idea what he is thinking...why did he come? He doesn't want to be with us, he is obviously afraid and uncomfortable...did he think if he came back he would feel the same way he used to feel? does he want to live back here ( that's the real worry!) We are due to visit N. Ca next week and I suppose we take him with us, though how he will cope with a drive that long with 3 little boys is anyone's guess.

It's impossible to not wonder why and how in this situation. Would this have happened anyway? Did his excessive drug use at such an early age do this? Is there any chance that he will improve even a little? If he won't take his meds he is in trouble. It's so frustrating to see this young man live like this and not help himself.

Tomorrow, Marilyn and I are going shopping on our own, just us. H and grandpa are taking the boys out for the day, what heaven that will be! I have to wrap some presents too. I went to Michael's yesterday and they had the hugest selection of stocking stuffers for $1. I think i pretty much did the boys stockings for $34! All those wonderful, trashy things that make christmas, scratch boards, painting by numbers, marble games, sticker sets, notebooks and pencils. a gazillion things for them to do that they can take on the plane ( which pretty much guarantees the fact that they will sleep all the way home!) I think I am done with the gifts, almost!

Tomorrow with Marilyn I hope to finish up...we'll see, I shall give it my best shot, no-one can say that I haven't well and truly made up for all those months of scrimping and saving, I am almost overdosed on shopping! What's a girl to do ?

Oh, I had to laugh at myself today because everywhere we go, people are telling me to have a happy holiday. I was so touched and yet wondering how they knew I was on holiday ( DUH!) "Why thankyou! I AM having a really Happy holiday, how clever of you to know that I am on holiday" I was almost a little sad when it sunk in that they all mean Merry christmas. I rather liked everyone caring that my vacation was going well.

Just another manic monday.

Another day over. This holiday is flying by but we are certainly making the most of it.

Grandpa rented a wonderful carw ith gismos and gadgets galore, yesterday he said that he was taking it back as he had rented it just for a few days, rhat was fine, there is so much to do right here we said we were happy to entertain ourselves and would love for him to come over and join us if he wanted to do that.

We decided that today we would explore the area and set off at 9am after our delicious breakfast. We walked and the boys ran, we found shops and restaurants, a mall and Walmart. We bought a cheap ( $17!!) stroller and so Eli could rest his weary little stumpy legs as well as us having the handles to hang bags aplenty on. ( Michaels,with it's beautiful shiny things and pretty things and more lovely things)

We got back to the hotel after 1 o'clock and were ready for a rest before swimming and dinner.

Grandpa called and had decided to keep the splendid car and should he come over. Hmmmm. Now we love grandpa, we want him to be with us at every occassion, the thing is he wants to pay for everything, which is not on, we have fought him so far, he has rented the car, that's enough. Dinner we can pay for, shopping we must pay for, admission fees are on us ( if we ever go anywhere we need to pay to get in, so far we are all loving the whole American thing without extra entertainment!)

H's brother and sister in law live near by and they have the most adorable baby girl, she is 14 months old and as cute as she can be, she is a baby. Here's the thing, we waited this long to do this so that we wouldn't have a baby around, so that we wouldn't have to run after a baby, stop to feed a baby, carry a baby...you get the drift. We worked this hard to do this so that we could please ourselves, eat where WE choose, go where WE choose, sleep when WE choose etc etc.

We find that we are sort of having to explain ourselves and excuse ourselves, stop what we plan and do what SIL is asking, the thing is, we don't want to do that. I am fast becoming that bad guy, I am saying no, I am putting my foot down and explaining that WE have chosen this today, asking if they would like to do that and then having to pretend I don't hear the irritation at our non complicance.

We have 3 weeks to make memories and cram in everything WE have planned, this is OUR holiday and whilst we would love to accomodate others, well we aren't going to.

Grandpa is happy for us to go away and do our thing, he loves to join us and he is happy not to. Marilyn ( next door) is the same, she loves to see us, understands when she doesn't, that makes us keen to see them more, enjoy their company more. When we start to feel obliged or bulldozed, we dig our heels in and before you know it we're saying NO to what actually could bea great plan! ( STUBBORN? Who said that? Get outta here, not me)

We told the boys that we were going to have dinner at Po Folks this evening, trains and all ( and you want to hear an English person say the name of that place..pathetic, just sounds stupid, "Poor foke? Less advantaged people's establishment?" ) sister in Law wanted us to travel across town and eat spaghetti somewhere. Ask H to eat spaghetti anywhere but home, I dare you!

"Why?" he blasts? " just about the cheapest meal you can make at home, why would anyone go pay 20 buks for damn spaghetti? Why? can eat damn spaghetti any night of the week, no way you're gettin' me to pay to eat damn spaghetti!" Spaghetti is our 'when you can't be bothered or afford anything else meal, we love it but if we're paying for dinner out, make it a good one. Thankyou.

Just as well we made her cross and stuck with our plans, the boys have walked a hundred miles, been swimming, played in the gym ( FABULOUS ....put that 6 / 7 year old on a tread mill, hit the incline button and sit back and watch the energy sap right out of him, just about the most incredible holiday pastime we've come up with. )







They were tired by dinner time and behaved very poorly, resulting in our leaving the restaurant and telling them that they would go to bed with no basketball on TV. ( the highlight of the day is when they get into bed and wait for 8pm, basketball starts and they get to watch it in BED imagine that....they have yet to stay awake later than 8.03pm, Seth was indignant when I told grandpa, that he replied " Actually, last night I definitely stayed awake until 8.06pm!!)

So, no basketball on TV, straight to bed, while Eli got to stay up....and fall asleep in the front room by 7.11pm!

Eli has been better today, feeling more in the holiday spirit, still the best behaved out of the 3. Isaac has been the LEAST reticent, not a single shy moment, almost embarrassing in his loudness. Seth has been incredibly shy and retiring...who'd have thought it ?



More pictures you say?













Sophie called, she got beaten up on sunday night, has a smashed nose and will have to have surgery to fix it, when the swelling goes down. 5000 miles away and that kind of news will still find you! She is now in our house ( I hope) Friends and family tell me they will alert me to a death and anything else they will keep to themselves because WHAT CAN I DO? all that can happen is our trip get spoiled. Sophie sounds fine, she IS fine.

All is well, Nyquil is soothing my throat and calming the coughing, sleep is coming very easily this holiday, just what the doctor ordered!!

Because....

I love you and if I don't do it now I will forget or just think "gah! Who cares anyway" Here is a pictorial jumble of the last few days that are a jumble, in the very real sense. Is it really just 5 days? Were we ever in England? Am I as weary as the very weariest person but happy in a holiday and carefree type way? Yes. To all the above.
so, here we go....

On the plane, we had these....



Touch screen things on the seats in front of us which was like giving Isaac a 6 inch square piece of heaven, and the woman in the chair on front 11 hours of sheer torture, I had 11 hours of watching heaven and hell combine, Isaac in a computerised glaze of screen thumping and touching and on, off, on, off, change channels, off, on, off, on, tray up, tray down, woman's head bob bobbing with every thump and clatter, I spent 11 hours trying to get him to understand that the ladies head was going to fall off, if it didn't sponteaneaously combust with the utter irritation of it all. He was too far gone with his must do it-ness.
Eli sat next to me, he was the milder version of Isaac, what can I say, little boys and gadgets, strapped into a seat for 11 hours, sometimes you have to go with the flow and give sincere prayers of thanks that the return flight is a night-time one, sweet joy.


The pool outside our room


Hot tub with family mine in it



Beautiful oasis outside our room.



Eli outside our room, he has been a little boy lost so far....quiet and subdued and sort of longing to go home, but not grandpa's home because there are 3 dogs, savage ones that will eat him for sure...he is very afraid of these dogs that would lick you to death, all 3 together probably weighing about 12lbs, it is very wearing for us and terrifying for him and I think none of us are allowing ourselves to think about the 10 days we will be sleeping there.




Sleeping boys in comfortable beds, heavenly comfy beds...



H has a son, R, from his first marriage. He is 21 and used to be the most exasperating and unpredictable child. He was loud, in your face, demanding, risk taking and he drove me to near distraction for 4 years. He was involved with drugs from a very young age and the result of this is that now he is diagnosed as paranoid schitzophrenic, he has also been diagnosed with Autism. I suspect that he had aspregers, now we know more about it I can think back and nod my head. Now though, he appears to be a full blown autistic, with staring and panics, with no eye contact at all with anyone. He is a shell of a young man. The mouthy, loud child I knew is now a shaking, eyes down, shoulder slumped shell. Terrified of everything and everyone, food terrifies him, fish causes cancer, Meat is evil, wheat must be avoided at all cost.
He walks with his head down, far down and looks up through his eyebrows, how he does that is beyond me, I tried it for 20 seconds and it made me feel as though my eyeballs would pop.
Elijah looks exactly like R when he was little and I asked R if I could take his picture with Eli. The very thought terrified him because for him to allow his picture, therefore himself to be trapped in a machine..well you can imagine.
He used to be fashion conscious, insisting on baggy pants, skate shoes, huge shirts etc.


We saw this 21 one year, male version of a stepford wife, chino pants, white shirt, zip up jacket, and his hair, once spiked and gelled to rock hard stiffness, is now short, parted on the side and combed flat, to within an inch of it's life, almost painfully combed.

I think our hearts broke a bit today. We are meant to be driving down to visit with him, instead he turned up unannounced yesterday. He threw everyone out of sinc because he has been such a problem, as he spiralled into this nightmare he pretty much wrecked grandpa's house, cutting wires in the computers, cutting phone lines, disappearing for weeks on end, giving away televisions etc. Here he was, with bags of drugs ( prescription ones thankfully!) and no-one knew what to do, what was done was a whole load of panic yelling and people running around with their gobs open, not getting anything done. Eventually Rob slept at grandpa's house, went running this morning, came out us this afternoon and then we put him back on a bus for a 12 hour ride home.
While he was here he shook a lot, he stared at floors and windows, he hid in corners, rocked backwards and forwards and he made us all wish things were different.
I think what has happened to his brain is permanant, he is registered disabled and although he goes to school, I cannot imagine how life will pan out for him.
He was quiet and polite and so terrified of everything ( whilst out for dinner last evening, someone knocked over a pile of boxes, he jumped and yelled " she's THROWING THINGS she's THROWING things") with his head in his hands. He can't stand being around anyone, whereas he used to drive us all insane with his need to be RIGHT THERE in our faces.
I wonder if his heart has been broken, along with his soul, he has been let down by us all and I am sure that had the adults in his life done things differently, he would have a different tale to tell. we will never know though. I had his pictures on here, until I thought about how awful that would be for him, if he knew for a second that his name of picture were on the internet ( which is the epitome of terror and evil to him) he would freak and never feel safe again, so they are gone.


Seth though, is having the very best time of all....can you tell?



Hoorah.
I forgot how I get sore throats over here, I was plagued by strep throat while i lived here and darn it all if I don't have a pus filled tonsil area and lumpy glands again. I bought some magical spray though that I love and would do commercials for. It works, Cloroseptic cherry flavour ..magic.
Too tired to say anymore....was asleep by 8.30 last night, no kidding, all of us asleep, lights out, night night. 10pm now, dirty stop up!

we're HERE!

I decided that the laptop would stay at home....I am catching up quickly at grandpa's house. Fabulous trip, not a glitch or hitch along the way. I am taking notes so I don't forget a thing when I do catch up properly. I just thought if I was going to have a holiday it had to be a real one, routine, shmoutine...no laptop for me.
It is going to be a wonderful time! I will fill you all in, H has his laptop so if I have a wakeful moment in the night I will certainly use it but the internet is taking a back seat to real life for 3 weeks.
We have hit Target, Walmart and the 99c store already...sheer heaven, I am going to sneak away on my own though soon enough!
H is in seventh heaven, home at last. I love the smells and the memories.
All is well.

I do believe I am done.

With the exception of that last minute insanity tomorrow, I am done. If it isn't ready now, then it's going to have to go undone.
For 3 weeks, THREE weeks. I do not have to ...

Take to or collect from school.
Buy a single loaf of bread, roll of toilet paper or boring every day stuff.
Not one doctors appt ( please Lord)
Collect or drop of a single prescription.
Take any phone calls.
Make any phone calls.
Vacuum.
Make a bed ( well the last 10 days I will, but 11 nights I get my bed made for me)
Clean a toilet.
Wash a dish.
Pay a bill.
Cook dinner.
Make breakfast.
Think of what to have for lunch ( Oh look where we are, lets eat here! Oh the joy!)
Clear the table.
Put the bins out.
Sort the recycling.
Pay $9 a gallon for petrol.
Think about, prepare or give a lesson at church ( thankyou Gemma for taking over for me)
Buy food for Christmas.

I will be:

Window shopping and even buying things, like clothes for ME.
Getting my hair cut ( maybe, if I want to because it's all about what I want you know)
Going to Disneyland.
Christmas shopping.
Eating out every day.
Having a cooked breakfast in the hotel when I am ready.
Sleeping.
Visiting lovely people.
Driving a posh car rented by Grandpa ( scary but cool)
Using free shuttles to fun places.
Going to Target and buying ziplock bags because they are £4 a box here and no plastic bag is worth that.
Going to the 99c store and getting excited because THAT IS LIKE 50P!!!!!
Buying cool stuff for my people.
Looking and buying baby things for my grandbaby because I am going to be a NANA soon.
Sleeping some more.
Eating some more because ..well because food halls, Dairy Queen, Wetzel Pretzel, Pizza, Home Town buffet ( you maybe have to live in England and try eating out here to get the absolute JOY of home town buffet!)
Getting re-fills on every drink I have whilst eating out, in England you pay for one drink, you get ONE drink. ( Jordan NEVER got over the thrill of a refill, he never left a fast food place until he had a bucket sized bladder filled with 3 gallons of pop, I think Isaac may be the same.)
I really hope that I will do much smiling and enjoying, the yelling and snarling has made me beyond weary, this whole year has been so hard I think we need every day of the next 3 weeks to recover.
I hope that I have done everything we need. I hope we have the best time and come back ready and able to face 2008. Next year has so much to look forward to. new baby ( without the loss of sleep and having to actually push it out, how fabulous is that?)
I hope to find a new house with different landlord, or even push the council to help us, that's been on the back burner until we get back.I know that with the extra time we will have with the Eli boy in full time school the chances for change are huge.
I am praying for this holiday to just give me some strength back, at the very least some joy back.
I am taking my laptop but actually sort of hope that I am too busy and too tired from having fun to use it much. I will try and update, it might just be more of a photo album than anything else though!
So, wish us well and we'll think of you as we relish every day of this trip.
3 weeks and we'll be back....will you miss me?

May 30th. and more ( because I came back, can't shut me up some days!)

That's when grandbaby mine is due. Mel had a scan this morning ( that I didn't go to and I am not sad, or feeling put out because her mum DID go, I'm not, that would be petty wouldn't it?) Anyway at last we know that she is 12 weeks and 5 days which gives her a due date of May 30th hooray.
Look at the widgety thing with 12 week 5 day old baby in, beginning to look like an actual baby with big old head and real legs.
7 weeks or so we will know if it is a girl child or boy child and that will be very good. I keep forgetting that I don't know it is a girl. Oh dear.

I have had a miserable old day today.
More trouble with landlady from ? Where IS she from? Not landlady school of doing things well that's for sure. She did eventually bring a builder around who told her the whole bathroom floor had to come up, shower replaced etc HOORAH, someone who won't bodge it all up.....except now she called to say she can't afford to pay him so she won't be doing the repairs and oh...make sure the rent is on time ( As always!)
I had this conversation with her
"Bridget, we are still waiting for the rebate of £150 for the gas at the barn, what I thought would be a good idea is, if I just send a cheque for £600 this month and then we're straight" ( seems reasonable to me)
She went o to say that no, that is not OK, she isn't USING the gas, why should she pay for it? Because she has possession of the gas, she COULD use it, she has the barn up for rent, you think if she rents it, she will charge the new tenants for the gas and then give us the money? Nope.
She also said that she can't do any work on the flat...no money but can we talk Jordan and Mel into living in it because she would like the extra £250 a month.
We all have a limit to our tolerance for such nonsense and that was mine.
I have been to the council, made a formal complaint against the girl who ran to landlady telling tales, explained the whole situation, ( made sure that I saw a senior officer with the council) and oh.....watery bowels.....he is going to take action. Ooo-er, she has broken so many regulations and put us in a position that is unbearable, we have accommodated this woman time and time again and I am sick of being the 'little man.' I'm sure that this will cause an uproar. So what. Enough is enough. Who knows where we will end up living, at this point I give up trying to think about it.
I am on my very last nerve. I see the holiday as the finishing line and I am flagging on the last leg...will I make it 2 more weeks 'til I can rest my weary head and try to not think for 3 weeks? I hope I can, limp limp.
H has cleaned and scrubbed while I was out this morning, thank goodness. I am mid stitch on the baby bedding...something that could be done in 2 days has taken me weeks, can't ever get time to get on with it without having to stop and take someone somewhere or pick them up, feed them or put them to bed......2 weeks, that's all, just 14 days and one flight.........take me away!
( scan pic added but how tiny is that???? Can you even see how beautiful that blobby little person is?)

*added after a nap and some dinner and a chunk of peace and quiet*
What a day it's been. I have been building up to the mother of all panic attacks. House, holiday, car, kids, worry, stress, panic. I saw my lovely doctor today and she increased my night time medicine, in fact she gave me the go ahead to increase it up to four times! The dosage I am on now is very low, chances are it worked so well in the beginning but really isn't enough, also? It's likely that will help my anxiety a lot too. By the time I got to see her, I was about ready to explode, such a week it has been, I always like to keep a check on how I behave when I am out and about, the fear of flying has overwhelmed me for days and today was terrible.....when I tried to explain that 'hey, bit nervous about flying' I think she got the idea that I'm not kidding, as I said the words...." 2 weeks today, holiday......flight......" I was heaving, shaking, there was no hiding that this has become such an issue it is quite frankly ridiculous. She prescribed 8 diazepam, for the flights. I had this once before when I was this scared. I was flying out to Utah with my sister Jane, the first time I had flown in about 12 years. I was terrified, leaving the kids with mum for the first time ever I Was going on a 2 week break with just Jane. I had no idea what had made me agree to it, no idea why I had agreed to it and I was paralysed with fear about it.
My doctor then prescribed exactly the same thing, 8 diazepam. I never took one. I knew I had them which calmed me, I knew that if it all became too much I had them to take. That was enough.
Jane and I boarded the plane, all seemed well, strapped in...off we went...WHOOSH! Jane was so reassuring, patting my arm and saying how brave I was, after about 15 minutes I began to calm down and was more aware of my surroundings.
" Jane!! JANE! Look at my hands."
We both looked down and just howled with laughter because here we are, who knows how high in the air we were, 15 minutes into the flight and somehow, at some stage I had been so scared that I had gripped the legs of my trousers, scrunched the material and pulled, all this time later, I was still grabbing, scrunching and pulling....my knuckles were white and my poor trousers, well you can imagine. I was so comforted by those tablets in my pocket, I told myself that if the oxygen masks dropped at anytime I would swallow all of those happy pills and by the time we hot the ground I probaby wouldn't care! I think I may have to actually take at least one of those pills this time though. I hate feeling this scared of anything, I am so sick of being not in control.
Sophie wants to come back, she wants to stay here, I am so torn. I want her to feel loved and wanted, to be close by and help her begin to get better. I cannot risk going backwards,can't put this family in aposition of being where we were, can't allow her to be in a position where she feels able to manipulate or become the person she was. I feel so sad that she isn't welcome here or with Jordan, heartbroken that she faces such a wall of negativity and being unwanted but this is after years of such aggression, disobedience, hyperactivity and disquiet. She has drained every resource. As I tried to talk to H this evening his face shut off, he has this look that tells me he has put the shutters down, closed his ears off and I would be wasting my time to continue.
She is coming down at the weekend and I am going to have to work with her, finding a job and a place to live. It is NOT going to be easy, she is going to have to be grown up and accept that her days of being dependant are over. She has a job and a place to live and she has chosen to give that up. She can't come back until she has a new job and a new place to live. I can't do it anymore. I cannot be in between her and the world, I can't live the way we used to again. I have seen such a change in her since she left I cannot do anything that could jeopodise that improvement. I am exhausted with it all.
I have got some funny stuff to share but I am all tucker out, pleasantly weary and almost ready to sleep. Tomorrow may be the day for cheery bits and bobs, turkey dinner for 14, some good will and a day of being thankful. Til then, night night.

Coincidence? Or not, I think.

So, we went to see the 'new' car, came home, the old car died. I called the R.A.C and this morning they told me that it REALLY died. Head gasket died, huge clouds of smoke, so huge in fact that the police came by to make sure it wasn't our house. Yikes.
Can you imagine just how freaked I would be if it weren't for the other car? I can. I am a bit floaty and happy that this isn't a huge deal, in fact I already sold the dead car, for parts, for just enough to pay for the new one, the MOT and the tax etc. Sometimes blessings are just so obvious you can't help but state that's just what it is. Not a coincidence at all.
I wanted to free cycle the old car but we need every penny we can get hold of for our trip in 2 WEEKS! We still have to book transport to the airport ( £120) we will leave here at 1am, arrive at the airport at 5.30am, flight is at 11am.....10 hour flight. Then it would seem I am expected to pick up a hire car and drive us to the hotel, in LA, after all that travelling. Oh yeah, I think that'll happen. Not.
I can imagine driving when I have chilled for a day or 3, rested up, remembered how the whole traffic thing works but after a journey like the one we are facing, nope, oh no, absolutely not thankyou.
I found a shuttle, we'll do that. If grandpa mentions it again I will ask him how he would feel if he had to fly HERE and then drive.....he is so funny, whenever he comes over he sits in the car and all I can hear is " JEEZ! This is a one way street, right?"
"no, we're going to meet other cars and big old trucks and.."
"SHIT! Oh my .....HELEN! JEEZ!"
I absolutely LOVE driving around the roundabouts with him in the car, especially if he is in the front of the car, he's sitting right where he sits to drive and seeing cars come RIGHT AT HIM.....4 times he's been here and he hasn't got used to it yet!
I feel like that about driving in LA...have you done that? Those people are INSANE! And TWELVE LANES of traffic? Hells teeth, our biggest, most enormous roads have 4 lanes. FOUR on a motorway. Going to the local store there are at least 8 lanes. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.
Did I go off on a tangent?? I think I did, not that doing that is a regular thing at all, my skin is horrible right now, welts and that painful itch. Not as bad but if it weren't for the meds I think it would be, it's trying it's darndest to fight through the medicine.
Oh...mum lent us her car, we have gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. It is minier than a mini. No kidding, we pulled up behind a min on the way to school and had to look up at it! I am so used to looking down on cars, it feels like my arse is dragging on the floor!
I am so grateful to have this tiny car though. It is definitely too small for us though, we sat outside school with the boys and I thought I would go quite mad. Isaac must have pulled my hair 17 times, H had 2 umbrellas in between his legs.....that feeling of claustrophobia was unbearable.
I am such a girlie about driving. I like my car, I am good at driving my car....sit me in a different one and I am a twit. Mums car is back to front, indicators on the opposite side, wipers on the wrong side. If I wear my crocs, the footspace is so tiny my feet don't fit! The wipers are like little toy ones ( but they don't screech....heaven, quiet wiper blades, mine SCREECH, then they CRACK, screech crack, scream, clunk.
Mums car doesn't have power steering so you turn...and keep going straight unless you TURN that baby. The accelerator is stiff, so you push down and go nowhere and then a bit more ZOOM, my brakes stop by touching them..mums have to be STAMPED on. WE must have looked a sight as we drove away for the first time, zooming and stopping and jumping along.
The great thing is, when we pick up the new car it is going to feel ENORMOUS!
Seth looked at the two cars side by side today and said " HA! Our car gave birth to gramma's little car, I think it pushed it out of it's exhaustion pipe"
I am, from now on, going to call my vagina my exhaustion pipe, there can be no more fitting name for it, forget 'tuppence', never mind 'Vajajay', 'hoo-hah' makes me laugh, exhaustion pipe is perfect.
My favourite time with Seth is his bedtime, the only time he lets his tough guy imagine down, he loves me to lie with him and kiss his face to bits, stroke his face and just chat for a while.
He went to bed tonight and I noticed he had left his fur covered hot water bottle downstairs, I went up and he was facing the wall, he looked up with a strange look on his face and didn't look like he was happy to see me. Strange.
So I showed him his bottle, facial expression didn't change....bizarre, he didn't reach out for the hot water bottle, so I flipped his quilt open and went to put his bottle next to him......little bugger had the cookie box under his quilt, had a gob full of half chewed digestive and the look of fear in his eyes! What can you do? Smack him on the top of his head and laugh.
We all love hot water bottles in this house, bedtime is heaven, little boys walking upstairs with their furry bottles, asleep in minutes. Isaac lies his face on his, Eli snuggles his and Seth puts his by his feet, H sneaks mine and puts it behind his neck and I put mine in the small of my back. All the bliss in the world for £3.99.
So, all in all we're enjoying a good time. Long may it last!

Quick! Before it changes!

Good things, good luck and WHOOHOO stuff is happening, all at once and ( please don't let me jinx it! Blgger god,keep this to yourself, don't tell the blogger gremlins so they can bugger it all up! Thankyou.)
First of all, the holiday...it's time to change some pounds for dollars.
Ahem....

Live Rates as of 2007.11.16 22:58:33 UTC.
1,000.00 GBP United Kingdom pounds
2,052.21 USD
United States Dollars
Except -poo! I already changed my money and it's gone up since then, last night it was $2.041. something.

Anyhoo, that is certainly a great rate is it not? Glad I'm not coming here from there...that's be sad.

And then, well, you know the car, my car. Rust bucket and dear as it is, stinky and more and more embarrassing to be in? Well, today, on freecycle, someone posted about a car that is a mere 7 years old, that's practically from the factory isn't it? A Kia, that does 35 miles to the gallon and on a run it'll do 45. Mine, right now does 13. THIRTEEN miles to the gallon when petrol is £4 ( $8) a gallon. And.....THEY ARE GIVING IT TO ME!! Tomorrow we will go and see it and check that it will get through an MOT etc.
I am almost beyond excited, I am holding out until we see it in case it is a lemon and all too good to be true.
It is one of these


I have no idea what colour it is and I can hardly wait to find out, colour means everything to a girl.
Funny thing but we have this Knex stuff that Isaac so desperately needed last christmas, he hasn't touched it apart from perhaps twice to tip it all out and then leave it. I have looked at it and thought about selling it on ebay and haven't. This evening I thought about it again and just imagined someone like me, trying to gather a decent amount together for some little boy for Christmas and thought that the best thing to do is put it on freecycle, which I did. I had emails immediately and promised it to a lady with 6 kids.
Just as I emailed her back to arrange when she could collect, I saw the email for the car and replied.
Sometimes I can't help but think of Auntie Margaret who would always say
"cast your bread upon the waters....and it'll come back buttered."
Never a truer word said!
If this works out, a huge prayer will have been answered, my poor old clutterbucket is so on it's last legs, it coughs every morning and we tell it how marvellous it is to keep taking us where we need to go, to continue to allow us to stuff it with furniture. I'm not sure how much longer it will keep doing that.

I also found the most beautiful wool rug yesterday, 8' x 5'6" and not a mark on it. £25 in a thrift shop, I'd take a picture but there is a stuffed animal zoo arranged on it and I just to tired to move it all and take pictures and pretend that my floor is always this clean and tidy.

Landlady called today, poor thing she is so poor that she just can't afford to have the repairs done on our house. Does Jordan want to move in and pay her another £250.
I. think. not.
She said some other stuff that has nailed a few more nails in her coffin.
I am trying to keep my promise to H not to fret until we come home, to leave any worrying until we have had our holiday.
The thing is, last week I came home late one evening from some errand or other and as I walked through the door I felt I was home. IMAGINE!
I am beginning to feel a teeny bit of something other than hatred for this place.
If something else came my way I wouldn't bat an eyelid walking away from it but I also feel that if we stay here, I can cope with that.
I would like to leave and rent somewhere NOT owned by this woman, who charges full rent but then tells us that she can't afford repairs because oh dear, her mortgage payments are so high and she has 4 properties empty. This is NOT my problem, one day soon she'll have another empty one and some tenants that have cleaned, repaired, beautified and put up with for too long, gone.
Mum says the barn has a TO LET sign outside. I love the barn.

H and I have a long term plan, still in it's embryonic stages, that we hope will turn our future around. It's time. I just hope that I can fight the fear away and have the courage to do what it will take to get it done. We'll see.
My skin is terrible at the moment, who knows why ( the only thing I can think of is that the holiday, therefore the flight, is getting closer. ) I am getting my knickers in a twist about flying and also, having to sleep on a blow up bed at grandpa's. Look, I don't sleep much, when I do sleep I want it to be good sleep, peaceful snuggly, comfy sleep.
I am very overweight. I have the most vivid imagination.......let me paint a picture.
Overweight mother of 6, weary and aching after a day of such excitement as say Universal studios. Tired me......into the bedroom we go ( small room, I would say maybe 10' x 10?) in it there will be 2 queen size blow up beds and FIVE people, fat old me, larger than he used to be but still compact and delicious H with his arthritic neck ( what a couple we are) and 3 farty little sweat buggers aged 4, 6 and 7.
I shall creep in and the others I hope, will be sleeping. Tip toe, tip toe.
Crouch down, begin to lower my bulk to blow up mattress and FLUMP.......now if H and I share one mattress and put the boys on the other, that mattress may not have a hope in hell of staying inflated. Hmmm lets put one kid and one parent on each mattress and the remaining urchin on the floor on blankets or something.
SO, here I go....oooops ooops WHOOOOOOF.....whichever kid is sleeping on that airbed is going to SHOOT up into the air....catapulted out of slumber to hit the ceiling fan, or wall or just right out of the window because I kid you not, I have some serious weight behind me ( and in front of me, nothing if not well balanced) my boys are little sparrows, with arms like sticks and xylophone rib cages, they look like they have been in a famine, I look like I caused it.
Yes, you may well laugh but I tell you what, all I need is a musty pillow and a tight sleeping bag and I'm off, I'll take my chances in a doorway somewhere, at least then someone might walk past and throw some change my way, hope is a marvellous thing.
Grandpa has dogs, well actually, H has one dog at grandpa's house. Taz, who thinks he is human and is quite possibly the only dog I have ever come close to liking. He thinks he is a person and during my time at grandpa's house with the brother in law from misery street, that dog put up with a whole lot of secrets and whining from me, all he asked in return was that I move the boys out of his dog bowl before they'd eaten all the food and to share the pilchards I craved when pregnant with him ( the last request was a tough one because those pichards in tomato sauce? Mmmmmmm, I'll fight you for them dog)
H's sister is at grandpa's house at the moment and she has 2 little dogs, of the jumpy kind, so 3 dogs, one father in law, one sister in law, one husband of sister in law who is sometimes there and other times, not. One husband, 3 children, me and 2 blasted blow up beds. And quite possibly a partridge in a pear tree as it will be christmas while we are there.
I am looking forward to getting there ( without plane crashing, terrorists or any travel hassles at all, please) and I am longing to smell the evening air, I adore the smell of California in the evenings, quite different from Utah which is also pleasant smelling in the evening, during summer but not a touch on California.
I look forward to shopping and friends, apple and cinnamon soft pretzels, Mongolian bar-b-q at the Mall's food hall.
In fact, I am looking forward to much more than I am dreading. Just not the bloody blow up bed, dear life.
I so want to take the boys to candy lane to see all the lights, what memories.
We are going to have to rent a car and I WILL HAVE TO DRIVE!
Oh see? Itch, welt, scratch. Funny how I can drive over here on these windy tiny roads and not bat an eyelid, H can drive over there and not flinch......he doesn't have a licence anymore though as it expired, we don't think he can renew it as he lives here now....it'd be great if he could so I don't have to drive on those big old roads with those insane drivers in their monster trucks and 12 lanes.
Marilyn, come everywhere with us and let me follow you and don't drive faster than 30 miles and hour and ram all those mad buggers out of the way for me.....OR even better you AND Brian come everywhere and you drive our car and he can drive yours and I will kiss your arm all the way there and back and tell you how completely fantastic you are and I will send you mingles every month for the rest of you life. I am so not kidding.