May 30th. and more ( because I came back, can't shut me up some days!)

That's when grandbaby mine is due. Mel had a scan this morning ( that I didn't go to and I am not sad, or feeling put out because her mum DID go, I'm not, that would be petty wouldn't it?) Anyway at last we know that she is 12 weeks and 5 days which gives her a due date of May 30th hooray.
Look at the widgety thing with 12 week 5 day old baby in, beginning to look like an actual baby with big old head and real legs.
7 weeks or so we will know if it is a girl child or boy child and that will be very good. I keep forgetting that I don't know it is a girl. Oh dear.

I have had a miserable old day today.
More trouble with landlady from ? Where IS she from? Not landlady school of doing things well that's for sure. She did eventually bring a builder around who told her the whole bathroom floor had to come up, shower replaced etc HOORAH, someone who won't bodge it all up.....except now she called to say she can't afford to pay him so she won't be doing the repairs and oh...make sure the rent is on time ( As always!)
I had this conversation with her
"Bridget, we are still waiting for the rebate of £150 for the gas at the barn, what I thought would be a good idea is, if I just send a cheque for £600 this month and then we're straight" ( seems reasonable to me)
She went o to say that no, that is not OK, she isn't USING the gas, why should she pay for it? Because she has possession of the gas, she COULD use it, she has the barn up for rent, you think if she rents it, she will charge the new tenants for the gas and then give us the money? Nope.
She also said that she can't do any work on the flat...no money but can we talk Jordan and Mel into living in it because she would like the extra £250 a month.
We all have a limit to our tolerance for such nonsense and that was mine.
I have been to the council, made a formal complaint against the girl who ran to landlady telling tales, explained the whole situation, ( made sure that I saw a senior officer with the council) and oh.....watery bowels.....he is going to take action. Ooo-er, she has broken so many regulations and put us in a position that is unbearable, we have accommodated this woman time and time again and I am sick of being the 'little man.' I'm sure that this will cause an uproar. So what. Enough is enough. Who knows where we will end up living, at this point I give up trying to think about it.
I am on my very last nerve. I see the holiday as the finishing line and I am flagging on the last leg...will I make it 2 more weeks 'til I can rest my weary head and try to not think for 3 weeks? I hope I can, limp limp.
H has cleaned and scrubbed while I was out this morning, thank goodness. I am mid stitch on the baby bedding...something that could be done in 2 days has taken me weeks, can't ever get time to get on with it without having to stop and take someone somewhere or pick them up, feed them or put them to bed......2 weeks, that's all, just 14 days and one flight.........take me away!
( scan pic added but how tiny is that???? Can you even see how beautiful that blobby little person is?)

*added after a nap and some dinner and a chunk of peace and quiet*
What a day it's been. I have been building up to the mother of all panic attacks. House, holiday, car, kids, worry, stress, panic. I saw my lovely doctor today and she increased my night time medicine, in fact she gave me the go ahead to increase it up to four times! The dosage I am on now is very low, chances are it worked so well in the beginning but really isn't enough, also? It's likely that will help my anxiety a lot too. By the time I got to see her, I was about ready to explode, such a week it has been, I always like to keep a check on how I behave when I am out and about, the fear of flying has overwhelmed me for days and today was terrible.....when I tried to explain that 'hey, bit nervous about flying' I think she got the idea that I'm not kidding, as I said the words...." 2 weeks today, holiday......flight......" I was heaving, shaking, there was no hiding that this has become such an issue it is quite frankly ridiculous. She prescribed 8 diazepam, for the flights. I had this once before when I was this scared. I was flying out to Utah with my sister Jane, the first time I had flown in about 12 years. I was terrified, leaving the kids with mum for the first time ever I Was going on a 2 week break with just Jane. I had no idea what had made me agree to it, no idea why I had agreed to it and I was paralysed with fear about it.
My doctor then prescribed exactly the same thing, 8 diazepam. I never took one. I knew I had them which calmed me, I knew that if it all became too much I had them to take. That was enough.
Jane and I boarded the plane, all seemed well, strapped in...off we went...WHOOSH! Jane was so reassuring, patting my arm and saying how brave I was, after about 15 minutes I began to calm down and was more aware of my surroundings.
" Jane!! JANE! Look at my hands."
We both looked down and just howled with laughter because here we are, who knows how high in the air we were, 15 minutes into the flight and somehow, at some stage I had been so scared that I had gripped the legs of my trousers, scrunched the material and pulled, all this time later, I was still grabbing, scrunching and pulling....my knuckles were white and my poor trousers, well you can imagine. I was so comforted by those tablets in my pocket, I told myself that if the oxygen masks dropped at anytime I would swallow all of those happy pills and by the time we hot the ground I probaby wouldn't care! I think I may have to actually take at least one of those pills this time though. I hate feeling this scared of anything, I am so sick of being not in control.
Sophie wants to come back, she wants to stay here, I am so torn. I want her to feel loved and wanted, to be close by and help her begin to get better. I cannot risk going backwards,can't put this family in aposition of being where we were, can't allow her to be in a position where she feels able to manipulate or become the person she was. I feel so sad that she isn't welcome here or with Jordan, heartbroken that she faces such a wall of negativity and being unwanted but this is after years of such aggression, disobedience, hyperactivity and disquiet. She has drained every resource. As I tried to talk to H this evening his face shut off, he has this look that tells me he has put the shutters down, closed his ears off and I would be wasting my time to continue.
She is coming down at the weekend and I am going to have to work with her, finding a job and a place to live. It is NOT going to be easy, she is going to have to be grown up and accept that her days of being dependant are over. She has a job and a place to live and she has chosen to give that up. She can't come back until she has a new job and a new place to live. I can't do it anymore. I cannot be in between her and the world, I can't live the way we used to again. I have seen such a change in her since she left I cannot do anything that could jeopodise that improvement. I am exhausted with it all.
I have got some funny stuff to share but I am all tucker out, pleasantly weary and almost ready to sleep. Tomorrow may be the day for cheery bits and bobs, turkey dinner for 14, some good will and a day of being thankful. Til then, night night.

In short...

Because this house saga must be making you wish you could poke your eyes out with a blunt stick, I will keep this short.
I have been to the lawyer, took a letter from her to the council, me thinks he didn't like it but hey....suddenly things were explained to me, as if I actually have a brain and rights and stuff.
We found a great house.....but won't be renting it. I suspect that anyone reading this who doesn't quite have the same beliefs as us might find it bizarre that we can be so guided by 'feelings', all I can say is, feelings have never let me down when it mattered. I have great faith in that if we ask, we will receive guidance. We asked and were SO sure that no matter how impossible it might seem we had to go with the council, time is short and I panicked, I was so angry about the whole ' let them kick you out' thing that we started to look, we found houses, we looked, we were disappointed. Today we found a beauty of a house, it was perfect but when we left we both felt sick, sad, agitated until we worked out that those feeling were telling us that this is the very time we need to use our faith, walk away and wait for it all to be OK.
right after we made that decision to let this house go, I went to the council, had a very productive and positive talk with the man who has formerly left me weeping and then he told me that on June 15th he is leaving the council!! That means that someone else, a new person, with enthusiasm maybe for their new job, will be taking over.
I do know that he knew today that we aren't fading into the background, I made it super clear that we will not be willing to do anything that causes stress or hardship of any kind to anyone else, we would rather be in a B&B than cause burdens to anyone else. He acknowledged that we are working hard to house ourselves and doing everything WE can to be ready. That was a good feeling. Both H and I feel that this is still the way to go. It will be worth going through when we get our house, and we will get one, we just don't know when. The man at the council did say that whatever happens we will NOT ever be on the streets, phew.
That wasn't so short was it?? Sorry.
Haven't got a whole lot else to say as this housing situation is eating my life away.
My laptop is STILL not back, I am getting on their nerves, a new talent of mine, nag nag nag gimme what I want nag nag nag......3 weeks now, I want my laptop!!! Hopefully in a day or 3 it will be back. I miss it, much.