Are you ready for this?

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Location: United Kingdom

Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Friday, February 29, 2008

I believe....

I have thought and pondered and wondered how to write about my religious beliefs. How to put down in words what is in my heart? How to explain so that what I feel and what I know comes across in a positive way?
I am able to stand infront of vast numbers of people and talk about what I believe, when I know they believe the same things. I can look up, give scriptural reference, back up and testify to everything I personally know is true, when I am sure that what I say will move hearts and spirits and get an Amen. That's not vanity, it's fear.
I fear that when I say what I believe to people who do not share what I feel, it will be ridiculed, God will be ridiculed, I would hate that. I dread trying to say what my faith entails and getting facts wrong, I am hopeless at facts. I couldn't tell you, for example, what year Joseph Smith prayed to know which church to join, unless I looked it up, or asked someone who knows, like Seth.
So then, how to answer Julie Bo's request to know more about my faith and what I believe?
I wrote a post half way yesterday and deleted it, pompous and wrong and garbled and ...just not what I wanted to say, at all.
So, here it is.
I believe.
There's no arguing with that is there?
I believe, you can't take that away and no-one can say I am wrong. It is a fact, indisputable, I have not even a shred of doubt that God exists. I believe that His son Jesus Christ was born and died and was resurrected so that we can return to our Heavenly Father.
See, this is how it is, Seth is a genius, he knows many things, facts, things that go in my head and fluff about a bit and fizzle away...they stay in his head. But I know something he doesn't know, I prayed and I now I know and I may forget my address, I might drive somewhere and forget which direction my house is in but I know God exists and so does his son, Jesus Christ.
In our church ( Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints / Mormon) we have a set of beliefs that outline what the church believes. There are 13 of these articles of Faith.

1. We believe in God the father, in His son Jesus Christ and in the Holy ghost.
2. We believe that man will be punished for his own sins and not for Adam's transgressions.
3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.
4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith* in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.
7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.
8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.
9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.
11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law

Simple truths that we, as an organised church, believe in. ( I am saving the best til last, number 13 will be included later!)
As children in the church we learn these and can repeat them.....when we are adults we look at them and at some stage we will wonder if actually we DO believe them. I don't think anyone can live a religion as complex and involved as ours if they don't believe it, I'm sure that there a minority that go to church because they were raised in it and are afraid that if they veer away from it, they will be punished. I am sure that many people get in the habit and it's safe and comfortable and a great way to raise children. To live it though, really live it and gain from it, you must believe it and I am convinced that God is real, He loves us and would never ask anything from us that we are not capable of doing. He will never demand that we do something and then leave us high and dry.
Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you. God does not discriminate, He does not love one person more than another, if He said if any of you lack wisdom ask and ye shall receive, if you ask, with faith and real intent, He'll tell you. Don't take my word for it, try it. Read scripture, find something that hits home, that you really want to know the truthfulness of and you will know, not a booming voice or even a visiting angel, just an undeniable feeling of knowledge.
I have had many experiences that have left me with such a sure knowledge that the things I have been taught, the things I have read, the things I have prayed about are true that I can't deny them.
I have never been an easy person, never one of those children that agrees and follows and quietly obeys. I have always been a WHY? Sort of girl. I was always in trouble because I would not just do it, I needed to know why and how and what for.
When I did ( at 18) begin to question whether this life was right for me, this religion with all it's do nots and you shouldn't and nuh uhs......why am I doing it? I could be out there doing all that fun stuff and be like all my friends. So I studied and prayed and eventually I just knew that this was right for me, it made sense, it was good. I knew it. So I chose it.
There have been many times when my faith was shaken to the core, when I distanced myself from the church building, stayed away from services and tried to argue against what I knew to be true, anger made me feel that way, outrage that some monster had hurt my children and where was God? Well, he was there. Always there but He gave us all the greatest gift of all and that is freeagency, we are all free to choose good or evil , you don't give that gift and then when someone tries to choose evil, stop them, snatch the freedom to choose away.
The man who hurt my children used his free agency to hurt my children. What God did was help me to undo that damage, He took away that pain and fear and guided me every single step of the way. I did what I did for those boys and people have marvelled at how amazing it was that I knew what to do, knew what to say, knew how to heal them. I only knew because God told me, He put the words in my mouth, showed me the right people to talk to.
When I sat one night and cried, when I called my dad and told him, calmly that I had to kill Jordan, that this little boy was re-enacting what had happened to him on other children, that he was sure to grow up and be an abuser and I couldn't risk that, when I did that and I honestly felt that as a mother I had no choice, He sent someone to help me. A member of the church came to my house at 11pm, he sat with me and he asked me what I had done to heal my children and asked if I had prayed, such indignation on my part, how could this man, who had known me all my life ask me if I had prayed?
Then he asked me who had given the boys a priesthood blessing, who, having the authority to lay hands on my sons' heads had done that very thing? I told him that I hadn't been to church, I was angry, in the space of 3 months I had given birth, had major surgery twice, my husband had left me and now this......I was too angry to go to church and sing hymns and listen to how blessed we will be if we are obedient. If God loved me, if he loved these boys He would heal them, he would stop the night terrors, those hours and hours of pitiful screaming every single night.
This humble man very quietly said " helen, you haven't done everything you are able to do, even if you are angry, you should ask for help. I am going to give those boys a blessing and I promise you that they will be better, I promise.
He went upstairs and he put his hands on Jordan's head as he slept and he blessed that little boy, that tiny boy who was 2 years old, who had been through hell at the hands of a monster. This little boy whose daddy was gone, who was so damaged that I truly felt it would be kinder for him to die than live with his mind and spirit so crushed and hurt.
The blessing was simple and brief, it just said that Jordan would be made well, that he would be able to grow and enjoy his childhood, that he would be happy, that the things he had experienced would be forgotten and he would feel no more fear.
After that night Jordan never had another night terror, not one, not even a bad dream. It took another 3 years before I knew that every memory was gone, another 3 years before he would laugh outside the home, 3 years for him to be naughty at home, 3 years before he was a loud, messy, bouncy boy again. It took 3 more years but it happened.
I believe.
When I was at my saddest, when I told myself that all I had to do was get Sophie and the boys to a certain age, more independant and I would be able to die, when I used to comfort myself by imagining that I would get cancer and be able to lie in a hospital bed with something tangible that people could see and help me with, when I could die an honourable death and be out of this nightmare, I asked for a blessing for me.
I was told in that blessing that the Lord had been saddened when my boys were hurt that He had been right there with us and that He wanted me to know that never again would I suffer that pain again, that my children were protected, that angels were watching over them and that nothing like that would happen to them again.
I felt some comfort from that and it felt like a nice thing to have been told.
When I think of Sophie, when I hear the things she is doing, when I know the places she has been, when I see the people she associates with, I know that God if keeping His promise. She may well suffer and be hurt by her own actions, I am convinced though that angels are watching over her. I just pray that she doesn't give them the slip, that she soon knows that she might push her luck.
I have seen too much and learned too much to say anything but I know God exists. I am bound to keep strong and endure to the end.
I watched my dad die with such dignity, with such a clear heart, I saw him scream in agony and on the next breath tell us how happy he was. I heard him tell me as he was dying that I should go back to church, I watched my 19 year old son, who so many Christian people would condemn, kneel next to his papa's bed, place a hand on his head and pray with him and I knew that God lives.
I do not just believe, I know. I know that the things I have sought after, the things I have been taught and the things I have prayed about are true.
This is my most favourite of the Articles of Faith, those verses that outline what as a group of people, who gather together in the Lord's name believe in...

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul*We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

That pretty much says it all. What better way to end this post than to say Amen to that.


Thursday, February 28, 2008

Conversations with my children.

"Seth", said I, "look how handsome you are with your haircut, you look so wholesome and splendid, rather like a picture of a little boy in a church magazine, who has written in to bear testimony of the truthfullness of the gospel"
"Well" said Seth, "that is hardly likely to be true now is it?"
"Because I don't know the church is true, do I? I am seven years old, how would I know that?"
"Well, when do you suppose you will be ready to pray and ask Heavenly Father if the church is true?"
"hmmmmm" he said whilst scratching his head " just before I die I think"

" Hello, Elijah, how was school and where is YOUR coat?"
"Diss one is my toat"
"I think it isn't, your coat is red and most definitely not green and furry hooded"
"well, I hate nat toat, I want a brand new toat and I love diss one, I think I tan teep diss one."
" oh, well I'm sorry you hate your coat but this one belongs to someone else, you can't keep it, so you need to give that one back and put your coat on, OK?"
"no, iss not O-tay, tozz I really hate diss stupid toat"

"Hello mum, it's Dan, guess what? I booked you and H a hotel in London ( this one ) also, tickets to see the Lion King and train tickets, I'll stay with the boys. I paid for dinner both nights and I want you to have the very best time."
What can you say to that really? He's splendid.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A short one, perhaps.

Wow, I am so tired tonight, the last few days I have been hard pushed to stay awake and when I am awake I can do very little without getting so weary I couldn't out run a slug.
I want to tell you all about my doctors appointment with Sophie, but am soooo tiiiiiiiiirrrrreeeeeeed, so it was great in that she really showed her bi polar self, bless her heart, I sort of loved her a lot today, she is just such a nut job it was impossible not to feel enormous affection for her. The result is that she is being referred to the mental health team to evaluated and get a proper diagnosis and medication, we have no idea how long that will take but if I were the doctor she saw today and had any kind of swing, she'd be seen pretty darn quickly.
The other great thing is that I took her to see MY doctor, who now has the clearest picture she can ever hope to have on what I mean whenever I just say " Sophie, yes, hmmmmmm" there were many meaningful glances and raised eyebrows throughout our time with her today.
I am so happy to have these feelings towards Sophie, after so many years of just gritting my teeth and trying not to lose the very last shred of my sanity, it is a glorious feeling to enjoy her, she still makes me cry most days , with worry and frustration but it's so good not to be consumed with rage, this is only possible because she doesn't live here.
It's her 19th birthday on the 11th march, 19, unbelievable.

I am frustrated with the fact that with this auto immune problem, my immune system is so busy fighting itself it doesn't fight bugs, I have another throat virus thing, sore and weary, aching and sick, lumpy neck and stiff joints, pppppttttttttthhhhhhhhhh. I have been so grateful for the bottle of throat spray I bought in Walmart, that stuff is amazing and when it looks like it is getting low I shall be offering up smarties and curly wurlies for a trade, numbing throat spray for chocolate, does it get better than that?
I am doing lunch for some friends tomorrow, I love that but it does mean I have to do something with the dining room , I keep starting things and then get tired and walk away.....the dining room has a half filled bookcase with a few piles of stuff, just stuff that for some reason we felt we couldn't live without, now it is here I don't care enough for it to put it anywhere so, dining room floor it is.
I will say that I am pretty sure it was H that felt we couldn't live without it, the stuff on the dining room floor, I was ruthless ( actually up until I saw the huge loft we have here then I had a party and said way too loudly that we need not throw anything away, lets take it, we may need it one day. Music to my horading husbands ears, so there it all is, with both of us walking past it and shutting the door on it and waiting for the other one to lay claim to it.)
Perhaps we'll eat lunch in the front room, except I want to make leek and potato soup and crusty bread rolls, that's a bit messy for a lap lunch, darn it.
The boys have had fun finding all the books that we didn't unpack in the last 2 houses, Seth and Isaac have pulled out pretty much every encyclopedia and jumped with joy, I even think they put some of them back too, good gracious.
Right, midnight, time to go to sleep or do some laundry.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

You asked for got it!

Here we go then, some answers just for you and probably some rambling, just for me!
I am emotional tis evening after an evening with Sophie, she came by today with tulips and a pink rose and a smiley face, lovely. We went, armed with chick flicks and chocolate to Mel and Jordan's home and spent a great and happy evening together, we watched 'The holiday' and 'music and lyrics' wonderful girlie evening, when it was time to go, Sophie started to say that she wanted to sleep here tonight, this wouldn't be a good idea, I can't let her feel comfortable and begin to believe she can move back, also she hasn't a bed here, she would have to sleep with Seth or in the front room, she has a room of her own to sleep in where she is staying.
She was like a little girl and was begging and pleading, saying she would sleep on the floor but she just wanted to be near me and in my house. I had to kiss her face and pat her leg and send her in to the house, she was angry and then she stood at the door pleading. I cried all the way home but have to stick with the decisions I made.
Tomorrow I hope I can get her in to see my doctor, she needs more help and she seems ready to take it. I can but hope.

Anyway, Brenda......if you saw me you would immediately realise that I am not one to have favourites where chocolate is concerned! I love pretty much all of it, curly wurlies are delicious but there is so much more to the chocolate shelves here in the UK, I am fair though and spread my consumer pennies through out the companies, Cadburys usually win although Galaxy is a close second!

Suzanne, I will send you some smarties after I send Jennifer her tea, which will most likely be in about 34 years the rate I am moving!
How did I raise my 2 boys to be such glorious men ( did you call them that or is that my word?)
Well, I was single, which meant that I got to do what I thought was right with nobody contradicting me or setting an example other than the one I wanted them to see. I didn't have a plan and I didn't read any books, I prayed a lot and went with what seemed right at at the time.
I was tough, much, much tougher than I am with these 3 boys ( which worries me abit because I want them to be good men too and sometimes I think they are more likely to be brats unless I get tough again) I was so worried that someone, anyone would ever look at my kids and know they were from a single parent family that I was unbendable in the way they were raised, I had every definite guidlelines, they were clear to everyone and I didn't bend them.
I was never afraid of what people thought, ever. If they misbehaved, wherever we were I made it clear that I disapproved. I didn't wait til we got home and I didn't allow what other people thought prevent me from doing what I thought needed doing.
We had enormous fun, we had adventures, we had lots of love and a closeness that I don't think I have with Seth, Isaac and Eli because it was just us. I felt it was me and them against the big bad world, the fact that they had been abducted and so abused made our family even closer, I chose to be alone for so long so that I was free to be who they needed me to be, when I saw they were healed and that there was time and energy left for someone else, I met H, almost right away. I am convinced that if I had been married, either to their dad or H, any earlier the boys would never have been healed the way they are. It took 5 years, complete years of my being available day and night to deal with the night terrors, the nightmares, the daytime fears, the insanity and the horrible, terrible pain that we all felt. There was no spare anything, not emotion, not time, not energy or space for anyone but us in those years, then there was the healing time, the time to just grow and recover, enjoy and relax, then came H, perfectly timed.
I consciously taught them about women, about being kind and firm, about thinking about feelings, I taught them what I know, that real joy can't be found, it can't be demanded, it comes from giving joy. If you try and make others happy, absolutely every time it comes right back to you, when you forget what you think YOU need and you concentrate on what the people around you need, you get joy. Buckets of it, more than you can ever hold onto.

Sarah, Seth and Isaac were extraordinary babies, 11 months apart, they were complete opposites. Seth spoke ridiculously early, by 15 months he could name every dinosaur and tell you what they ate and where they came from. Isaac screamed for 5 1/2 months, didn't talk at all until he was 4 1/2. Seth was lazy.....feed me, fetch me, get me, please me. Isaac wouldn't ask for a drink he would just get it himself, he walked at 12 months and pretty much did most things for himself...and Seth.
Isaac was the happiest little boy as long as he could see H or me, at 14 months he turned, almost overnight from a happy boy, sociable and easy going, into a little boy who cried if he couldn't see me and would scream bloody murder if it looked like he was going to be left with anyone, even gramma, whom he adored, he stopped looking at people ( other than me or daddy) he hid behind his yellow blanket and shut out the world.
I didn't really think too much about how quiet he was, I didn't think about how bizarre Seth was either because they both had so many of H's quirks, I assumed that they were mini Hs.
H is painfully into routine, he has 'things' that are more than just important, they were essential, silverwear that is the only silverwear he uses, kept in a specific place in the drawers, one type of socks that are put in a drawer on their own, he will only have 2 pairs of dress pants and 2 pairs of casual pants, if I buy more he throws one pair away. In fact I don't buy his clothes because they have to be right.
Isaac chooses clothes and then wears them, only them for weeks, even months, every day. He hates socks with seams, he always knows where his things are, he folds his clothes and puts them where he can see them when he puts his PJs on, when he takes his PJs off, he puts them at the end of his bed so he knows where they are ( same ones every night) I wash them and put them where he left them.
If he sees something in a store or if I see something I am pretty sure he will like I buy 2, always..that way I know he will always have the right clothes to wear.
Seth started school on the day Isaac started nursery, it was only then, within 2 days that I became aware of just how different these little boys were to the other kids.
( Remember I have never had, until Eli, a 'normal' 4 year old boy, Dan and Jordan were so damaged by being abducted and Seth was so clever and so NOT average!) Isaac was so terrified of everything and everyone at nursery, Seth had no idea how to play or interact with children his own age, he was baffled as to why these 4 year olds didn't enjoy discussing whether camelons should be in the primate family and WHY DO THEY RUN ABOUT PULLING ON EACH OTHERS JUMPERS? What was all that about???
Within a week I had been summoned to the special ed teacher and told that we needed to get a diagnosis on both boys, especially Isaac because he was never going to be able to fit in without enormous help.
I asked to sit and wait with Seth, he was happy, he is so clever and to be honest he is SO like H I could see that even if he IS different, even if he never adjusted and fit in, he wouldn't care , he would, like his daddy, assume that everyone else is weird and he is just perfect , he would feel sympathy for all those people who just didn't get it all!
Isaac was diagnosed very quickly with aspergers syndrome and has had fabulous help from teachers and speech therapy, I insisted from the very beginning that I would not co-operate with anyone who tried to make Isaac 'normal', I refuse to change who he is. I have only ever wanted for Isaac to be able to function in the world and be happy, I truly couldn't care less if he is never the life and soul of a party, I don't care at all if he is always on the outskirts of the world if he is happy there. If he is content wherever he chooses to be, that's good enough for me, as long as he chooses where he is. I don't want him to ever be outside longing to be a part of what he sees but being too afraid.
The miraculous thing is, by making him feel that HIS world is just fine, that no-one expects him to do anything that makes him afraid, by letting him set the pace and in things that are unavoidable, like school by being there with him, by having his own helper that has always been there to help him feel secure,by being clear that he is safe but here are things he has to do, even if they frighten letting him see that he has control over most things in his world, he has begun to leave his world and come into ours. I am sure he will always be different, rigid in his ways etc but to see him now, just 2 years after we were told that he would probably never really function in a way that was 'normal' I have no doubt that he will be an amazing adult and a happy one to boot.
Seth is doing well too, he is, as predicted, way ahead academically, he has friends who share his passion for basketball ( more of an obsession but at least a healthy one!) he is funny and happy and has his fathers total lack of understanding when it comes to emotion. He will be fine.
When Isaac was diagnosed, the pediatrician told me that he is 100% sure that both Seth and H have aspergers too, that didn't come as a surpise at all, these apples didn't fall far from the tree!
Elijah has not a trace of aspergers or autism, not a bit. He is the only 'normal' 4 year old I have ever had.

Clara....both pictures are of me, my hair is very, very curly, the older I get the curlier it gets but it drives me scatty, every now and then I crack open the expensive starightening shampoo, conditioner, straightening serum, anti frizz heat protecter and the GHD straighteners because I just have to feel less crazy and more sleek and shiny. The straight hair lasts until I walk outside, the moment the air hits it, it curls again.

Becca, my sister Leah reads my blog, I think she sometimes shows it to my mum, I send the link to my 2 other sisters if there is something I really want them to read but they otherwise don't bother. I mistakenly sent the link to Dan once when I wanted him to see some pictures and was mortified when I realised what I had done, I do not want my kids reading this until I am dead!
This blog was initially for me to rid myself of the demons that I had following so many traumatic incidents, nowadays it is much mreo for entertainment but I still often vent my frustrations on life, it keeps me sane. I don't want to feel I need to curb what I write in case my kids read it and get hurt or feel guilty. When I knew Dan had the link I was so mad at myself, turns out he is a typical man anyway, said he loves the pictures and says there is way too much writing for his liking so he would look at the pictures and not read ( even if that isn't true he sounded convincing enough that I feel safe writing what I feel and don't hold back) He did call and tell me that his ex partner had accessed his email account, got hold of the blog and read it...right through apparantly, he called Dan a few times and tried to convince him to demand I delete certain if.
He now knows that is never and wil never happen, my blog, my thoughts, read it if you like, or don't that's the choice, censoring MY blog is what I do, not what someone tells me to do. Knowing this man could still be reading unfortunately has stopped me writing about Dan many times, purely because what I say could get back to Dan and that isn't fair, I will boast about him because he is splendid but I can't give details.
I saw ( through google) that Sophie got hold of the blog address and had been reading ( was so obvious from the words she used to google!) So I don't know if she reads very often, I doubt it because the way she is, she would have to call me on things I say or correct me when she thinks I am wrong ( which is almost always!)
Jordan could care less, he doesn't have internet access and has so little time anyway that I am sure he would find much more interesting things to do with his time!
Julie Q, the picture with the horse was taken when we drove to the moors about 5 miles away, those are wild ponies that have learned that people in cars have food, they have picnics and they share the goodies, so when you park up and get out of the car they come running! I am such a woosy when it comes to animals, I really am not an animal lover and the sight of those ponies surrounding me made me almost wee my knickers. The fact that the kids and H were laughing fit to bust at me made it worse, every time I tried to open the door a bit to get out or even back in....they came at me! That look was genuine fear mixed with hysterical laughter at how ridiculous I was being.

Julie Bo, I am going to work on an answer to your request and make it a post of it's own. My faith is such an anormous part of me that I rarely share it. I know that many of the things I believe are not what the majority believe. In the UK it is quite tough to be openly religious, it is not something that is accepted as it is in the states, it was such a breath of fresh air to be in America where people are so much more at ease with their faith.
I have to think about how to share what I feel and take time to write it in a way that I think will make some sense!

I have loved answering the questions, keep them coming, it's fun not havbing to think about what to write about, my brain needs a break right now!

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Monday, February 25, 2008

Over to you......

Do you ever read a blog, regularly til you feel you kno wthe person writing, then start to have questions, wonder things that they haven't told you? Wish you knew more about something they have touched on? Remember when they told you something and want to know more?
Wonder about something theyhave never mentioned?
Here's your chance, if there is something you wish you knew about me, about something you have read about or wish you could read about or just something that you are puzzled about, ask and ye shall receive ( or not because believe it or not, there are some things that I just won't tell you! Usually if they involve H, he is so private that if you want to know something that involves him, if I think he would mind or be hurt, I won't tell. He never reads my blog ( amazing isn't it? WOuldn't you just be dying to know what your spouse was thinking and telling the internet?Not H, he says he isn't about to risk making me feel inhibited, he doesn't want me to hold back if I am feeling something ( or, imagine, I might be forced to tell him, in person, you know spill emotions and expect him to deal with me, hellno.)
So because he respects my privacy and my feelings, I am always going to do the same for him ( apart from the closed blog that no-one can read that I have only ever posted on twice!)
Ask me anything.


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Oh bloggin' hell.

Does that sound like swearing? It does, how marvellous because I feel like swearing with this blog lately, I sit and type and feeling satisfied with my post I hit 'publish post' and then every bloggin' time, this stupid internet goes pratty on me, we have super super broadband, supposedly, trouble is, with broadband you have to share it, the speed yesterday was something spectacularly cruddy like 45 something or other....should be 8000. Yes, we are officially slower than dial up but paying many times more.
The price for being in a town, with a gazillion other people who think they have important things to do online, they don't of course, nothing anyone wants to do is anywhere near as important as my blogging, looking up air fares to places in Canada and the US because I want to fly away and meet people I have never met and have some excitement and FUN ( canada in March is very cheap by the way, Florida in June? forget it.)
The wonderful thing about insomnia is that hoorah! Lines are free and I can actually check emails in less than 39 minutes, can look at blogs with pictures and even reply on message boards without losing the will to live.
I wrote the best ever blog yesterday, it was long and full of interesting facts, like H having a heart attack at dinner time, really I thought he did. He went grey, sweating, couldn't swallow or talk and the weirdest and most terrifying noise, like gurgling and gulping. I was the epitome of unfussy because that would have ensure his heart would explode, so I told him to sit quietly and asked in a round about way where I would find his heart spray should we need it, not that we do need it and does it hurt like when you had your heart attack and argh you look sort of sick and should I call someone, ambulance or Julie to sit with boys or an ambulance?
He was sort of OK within an hour or 3, with me not taking his pulse or checking that he was breathing. HE has a horrible cold and is clammy and stuffed up, but he is breathing and not grey anymore.
He is just such an private man, he hates fuss and he won't use 5 words if a grunt or nod will do.
We are not a smoochy couple, none of that gazing into each others eyes and proclaiming undying love, but I adore him and have no doubts that he thinks I am quite nice too.
I am so dependant on him for so much, I vowed I would never do that, didn't do it with the first one, don't feel like I rely on H really, but I do.
I need him purely because he makes me feel safe, not in a macho I'll get 'em for you way, but just because he is so incredibly calm always.
I am prone to run around with my fingers in my ears when stuff happens, kids fall over and there is blood and breath holding, I want to run for the hills, I do that useless sort of ARGH...HELP...UM......GET UP! ( very helpful, child falls down, is bleeding and wailing and on the floor, like yelling 'get up' will help!) I will pick up bleeding child and run around doing nothing but hyperventilate. H appears unruffled and just 'does,' This is why he has had a heart attack and I haven't I think.
He keeps the outside clear and calm and his heart is kabooming and squeezing the life out of itself.
I need him because when I ( not that I do anymore because I believe him now) whine and say that I hate myself and look, how ugly am I, blah blah, he never tries to say the right thing, he only ever says " I have no idea what you are saying"
He likes what he likes and there are no surprises, we can sit in the same room without saying a word all evening and it doesn't matter.
I lie in bed and listen to his snoring and I love it, not sawing logs, just a glorious gentle snore.
I look at him and my stomach flips, I love that on sunday, whether we go to church or not, he wears smart clothes and a white shirt because he wants to remember that it is sunday and he says wearing his dress trousers and shirt reminds him that he should behave with reverence, which he does always anyway. He is the most respectful man I have ever known and is a gentleman ( in the true sense of the word) I can't imagine life without him and if he weren't here the boys' lives would be so much poorer. My life would be emptier.
Being ill has made me see just how much I rely on him, more and more of late. When I came back from the doctors and saw the bed turned back, bedside light on and curtains drawn and knew that he was saying I could just go to bed, that meant the world to me. When we get back from church on sundays he keeps the boys entertained while I sleep, how pathetic that 3 hours at church, 1 hour of teaching 4 x 3 year olds wipes me out, every sunday I am more itchy and covered in welts than any other day, so I come home and sleep, for 3 hours usually. Never a word, never a sigh or a question, it just is the way it is.
He can be exasperating at times but I don't notice so much anymore, he doesn't do what is expected, which can be annoying at times but he is who he is and for me, that's just right. I felt real fear yesterday when I thought he was having another heart attack and his snoring last night was particularly comforting to me.
So I wrote this whole post last night and after 15 minutes of waiting for it to didn't, it was lost forever, bloggin hell and blogger it.
Dan called yesterday to say that he has been offered the managers job at a restaurant owned by Jordan's boss, it is 4 miles away and would be wonderful for him, he is waiting to hear from the boss. who is going to visit Dan at the Hotel he works at now, then he will decide if he will come and work down here or try for the R.A.F.
He also said that he has booked 2 nights away for H and I, great tickets to see the Lion King at the west end and first class tickets on the train. It would be such a treat but I will wait until we see the tickets before I get too excited! Dan said he will stay here and look after the boys while we are away, H and I have never had a night on our own, ever.
The night we got married we stayed at our condo with 3 teenagers and a very cross Sophie, Seth was conceived that night and well, the rest is history, 3 babies in 3 years, 10 moves in 8 years.....we've had our heads down and noses to the grind stone ever since, it is only this past year that we can begin to lift our eyes and look around, take a breath and begin to enjoy each other and the boys.
Maddening that I am so pathetic and weary lately.
I really long to know what is causing this illness, today I have had an enormous flare up, my feet are swollen and painful, itching fit to make me insane, my neck and head itch, my eyes are still sore. Nothing is different, no extra stress.....what is making this happen?
I wish I could make myself go on some macrobiotic diet, or some kind of drastic health kick that would help but until we have some idea what is causing it, is there any point?
On march the 12th I have the tribunal for incapacity benefit, I have to travel and see a whole panel of strangers who will decide once and for all if I am faking it, if I am truly ill or just making it all up to get benefits.
I have a whole wad of paperwork all about me, written by someone who doesn't know me, a couple of pages written by my doctor and a page written by me.
I have no idea what I will be asked or what they expect, I imagine they will tick boxes and decide which box I fit into.
My life isn't such that it fits into any normal category is it? I don't know what I could do or say to explain how my life is and what I feel, I imagine that on the day I will do what comes naturally at the time, whether that convinces the panel that what I say is true or not, who knows.
I know that to most people I appear fine, that I manage to do what needs to be done, I do everyday things and I do them well, then when no-one can see I fall apart, my body is falling apart because it is trying to make me stop something, shut down, give in, which is impossible, how can I stop or give in or shut down? Oh well.......that's a couple of weeks away yet.
Ah, you see...just as I type that.....Sophie just called, crying. nearly midnight and she is on her way to tell me what is the matter, I will talk and listen and advise and then she will go and do what she wants to do, she will ( I hope) feel better and I will feel worse, when will this situation end? When will she actually listen and change what she is doing so she can change how she feels?
I am glad she feels able to talk to me, I just wish she would listen as well.
No spell check and no time to check it myself, enjoy my typos!!

After the visit.
She cried a lot, I sat and tried to get a word in while she told me how no-one cares and all she wants is a home where she is wanted and can put pictures up and she cried some more and then I took her home, I told her to come back tomorrow, when she has had a sleep and we will watch some girlie movies ( bought 3 of the chickiest flicks at blockbuster on saturday) and talk properly, I also told her that I do love her but until she is actually willing to help herself we are all pretty much helpless.
I really cried when I dropped her off and actually let her see that, I told her how it feels to be her mum and watch her do this to herself, how impossible it is to hug her and love her in a demonstrative way when I am worrying my skin off about whether this is the night she will be raped or murdered. When I have been awake half the night wondering if she is walking through industrial estates, half dressed at 3am, when she turns up here at 7am and says she has been sitting in the car since 4am, how can I throw my arms around her and say how happy I am to see her? I'm not superwoman and personally, I think not grabbing her by the neck and shaking the crap out of her shows pretty darned incredible restraint.
Maybe tomorrow we can make some headway but I won't hold my breath until she is ready to hear what I say.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

T'was just like the war....

What fun we had, when at 4pm the electricity went out. We did that stunned looking at each other thing, ( we'd been watching a movie and actually all enjoying it too, darn it) then I got a flashligti and checked the fuse box.....hmmmmm, all is fine, what the dickens?
Then we looked up and down the street, looked a bit dim but it wasn't dark yet so hard to tell if there was no power or if we are the only people actually at home or not.
" Go to Derek Wrights and ask if they have power" I said to H. So off he went to the neighbour a few doors down, as he got half way down the street a few other men came out( can just hear their wives saying " Go out and ask......." )
" You got 'Lectric?" "Lectric out?" " I got no 'lectric!" " DO you have power?" ( Bless my American husband and his foreign sayings!)
So, no-one had electricity, this reminded me of a time years ago when just the same thing happened and my sister and I were convulsed by the men in the street yelling " you got Lectric??" so of course, I called her to share my happy memory, she picked up her phone and before I had a chance to ask her she said " HEY! You got 'lectric??" Turns out ( because her gas man told her his wife had called from several miles away), the whole darn town was out, not a bit of Lectric to be had by crikey.
It was almost fun, we found all the flashlights and even cracked open the wind up torch, which Isaac drooled over and has barely let out of his sight since, the boys had a candlelight bath which is always a treat.
We had phone calls and neighbours knocking, I almost felt the need to put up bunting and throw a street party, such was the cameraderie, H was excited to be able to just use his iPod because he had to, not because he wanted to..he was going to find a movie and watch it and it was going to be fabulous!
I sort of wanted to rush to the supermarket because last time, when the power went out, there was such confusion that the cashiers were told to ask the customers how much their groceries were and just take that much cash, the tills were all out of whack, was too lazy to try it though so we stayed home and enjoyed candles and torches and the very thought of watching a movie on a 4 inch screen.
The 'Lectric came on after about an hour, we were relieved and people could be heard saying
"It's BACK! It's on again!"
I was a little sad to see just how much we rely on things like electricity and modern new fangled fripperies, I thought about sitting by the wireless while the gas mantle popped ( no, I was not around during such moments unless you count the holiday at Nana Collins' caravan at Watchet, which had gas lights, pop pop) I thought about how close you would be without all the noise that modern day living brings, one wireless that everyone listened to, a book, singing around the piano if you were posh. Sometimes, progress isn't always a good thing, is it?
Today was a lovely day, we spent the whole day together as a family, we all went to the park, we all had lunch together, Sophie was here too, I just felt as though we held onto time today, didn't lose any of it rushing around doing nothing.
I got some great pictures today, but our internet is being bloody minded and driving me crazy. I can't get into Photobucket, nothing will download, darn it all. Will have to come back and add them later.
Oh look, it's later....



OUCH those shin scrapes are a bugger aren't they?



Pitiful little face ' betoz nobody doesn't tum on here wiv me and I hate it on my own'


Thursday, February 21, 2008


this is post stupid. Ha ha ha.

So, for my thousandth ( is that a word?) post, some GOOD news.

Although my narcissistic self is loathe to detract from the the comments being left after post 999, HOORAH people love me, bring it on etc etc. Don't stop, I like it.
I am able to tell you good folks, who have listened so patiently to my enever ending whining and whittering about landlady from stupidsville, we have an end in sight.
An acceptable end at that.
I have been fair eaten away with the injustice and rage of the whole situation, how DARE she keep our money? LOOK! LOOK at the HOUSE I CLEANED on the internet priced at £249.950, with pictures of all the rooms I CLEANED. Mutter mutter, itch scratch, mutter, complain, ad nauseum.
Today, I had a marvellous idea, why not look and see if she is a member of an ombudsmen estate agents thingamijiglet. Why, yes SHE IS! This is great news, aha! Gotcha lady and all that.
I found the address of the company she is with, I wrote them an email because she must pay, she must be made an example of, how dare she play with ME?
So I wrote an email and before I hit 'send' the real me came back, the one that my mum and dad raised, that cleaned that house because I knew I should, because it was the right thing to do.
The real me shows up at all the most inopportune moments, she ruins many a good chance to retaliate, she didn't used to, when we were both younger she egged me on, told me what to say, gave me the confidence to hit out, say what I thought, show the buggers who was boss.
Age and experience has taught the real me to be a nice lady, to step back and work it out. So, the real me knew that she had to give landlady one more chance. Just one.
So, I called the office that she runs, she doesn't answer calls, she has a manager that does that so I thought I would call him and just say that I had the address for the ombudsmen and that I was about to write a complaint and let them deal with it all.
" Hello, terrible estate agency here, stupid landlady speaking, how may I help you?"
Oh my goodness, wobbly bowels but marvellously steady voice replied
" Why landlady! Helen Pissedoff here"
" Oh, er, Oh, Hello Helen, what can I do for you?"
"Well, Landlady, what are we going to do about this money situation?"
Long chat, very enlightening chat where I felt better, she felt better and the air was cleared, she did try to say
" Helen, that house really wasn't too bad you know, was it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"The house, it really wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Yes, it was. You know it was, there was poop all up the walls, every carpet was covered in dry vomit, yes, B, the house was very bad and you know what else? You know I take pictures don't you, you have SEEN me take pictures remember? The house was bad when we took it over, tell me B, how was it when we left?"
"You left it beautiful, you really did. What do you want to do about the money?"
"Well H and i have spoken and decided that we are willing to split the difference, you owe us £1.010 you send us £500, we'll take it"
"but nothing, you understand that if I take this through the courts you will be ordered to pay me 3 times that deposit don't you?"
"Yes, but you left the tenancy early"
"We left TWO tenancies early, didn't we? We left the barn FOUR months early, we left the last house ONE month early, so we should pay you ...why?"
" I don't have any money"
" I understand that things are tough for you, I do, it must be awful but we gave you that money, you were supposed to invest it, not spend it, that money is ours and we simply cannot afford to walk away from it. This offer is a good one, pay us £250 this month, £250 next, whatever, just pay us £500"
" I don't have any money, I am losing everything and I do not even have £250"
"well, what can you do about that? "
She said she can probably get us some right now, then she will write and tell us what she will do about the rest.
I feel that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, it isn't even the money, it's the fairness. The levelling of justice or whatever the saying is. She admitted that the money is ours, that it isn't hers, she told me that we had left the house in a great state and she admitted that we had always been impeccably behaved as tenants. That's what mattered. I have been consumed with the injustice of it and was enraged that we had worked so hard and done what was right, while she appeared to be ignoring us and tearting us so poorly.
She told me how she wakes up every day and wonders how she will get through the day, that she knew she should write to me but couldn't think what to say or how to tell me that she doesn't have any money.
I imagine that we will get some money, somehow that is secondary now to the fact that she acknowledged that we were good tenants and that she had treated us badly.
I think I might itch less tonight. We can but hope.
I took the boys to see 'The waterhorse' today, glorious. As the movie began we saw some wonderful scenery and I turned to Isaac and said in my best ( which is terrible) Scottish accent
" That there's in scoretland"
He turned and said right back ( in the most splendid scottish accent, how does he know how to do that??) " Aye, Ah noooooo"
I was flabberghasted, I laughed out loud and said " Isaac! That was a JOKE!" We have repeated the same sentences over and over again and have laughed just as hard every time! Isaac told a joke and got it very, very right. What a grand day that was.

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Nine hundred and ninety nine.

Posts, I tell you now because that number is more pleasing to me than 1000. What in the world have I been blathering on about for 999 posts? All kinds of things, happy and heartbreaking, scary and hysterical. I love that I have written this blog, I hope that I will keep doing it and be able, in years to come, to look back and remember, cringe, laugh, cry, whatever I read, from way back when, I am transported right back and can recall exactly what I was feeling and how I got through it. I highly recommend blogs to all and sundry.
There are times when I almost forget why I started writing and am carried away by the need for comments. Lately the comments have dried up and because for some reason, Google stoped tracking for me, I have felt a little alone, once or twice, when I wrote a post that I thought was funny, or particularly poignant and darn it, no comments or maybe 1 or 2, I have ( to my shame) been disappointed and thought that I wouldn't bother anymore. Then the evening came around and I felt the pull of the laptop to spew all my woes, stories, thoughts down again and I realised that this blog is for ME. I love comments, I really enjoy knowing people have been here and read all my drivel but honestly, I need it for me. Also I have fixed google and so I can see that even if you don't tell me you have been here, I know you have. You can run but you just can't hide!

I have been walking though treacle just lately. You all know how I love CLEAN and TIDY and SHINY and SPARKLY, I love that, I don't have it though, not lately. I want it and crave it and yet every day I see what needs doing and ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I just can't. That sock right there? Should pick it up and put it in the wash but that would mean bending down and using muscles. Energy, energy wherefore art though energy? Lawdie, it's a rough trop these days. I am still incredibly stripey, pale and watery eyed.....old and weary. I have had to start admitting my shortfalls, saying I can't and sorry and I wish I could but.....
I can sleep until noon, get up for 4 hours and prefectly able to sleep again. Maybe I am catching up after 23 years of insomnia, whatever it is a bit scary. I even though, briefly because what a horrendous thing to feel, that I am dying. Whatever this whole deal is with my skin and bones and life, is something that is literally sucking the very life out of me. Stupid. It's so hard to have to look at people and say that I'm sorry, I would love to go and do and enjoy, but oh dear, I have itchy skin.....not very dramatic or symapthy inducing is it? Nothing to call it. Nothing to explain why I just haven't been able to wash that corner yet, clean that wall yet. All stuff that probably on'y I see ( apart from the kitchen floor, who could not see that floor?) H could ( and would certainly) do it, but it still wouldn't be the way I love to see it and anyway he is absolutely looking after these boys, taking them out for 2 hours so I can sleep.....entertaining them here while I sleep or sit and think about everything that I wish I could do.
It is certainly all getting worse without my being able to say how, exactly.
I have another appointment but it isn't until March 10th, which seems forever away, it'll fly by though I'm sure, what will be done at that appointment will remain to be seen, I forsee a bit of desperate pleading and and cure for all this nonsense. Please. Really please.
Have to go now, have been awake for 2 hours, need to lie down and scratch my stripey face some more.
Spell check is not working, hasn't worked for some time, I would apologise for the typos but all adds character to my writings ( or something!) So, here's to 999 posts, better try and come up with a doozy for the next one! And...say hello for goodness sake!


Nothing much...

Not much to say tonight, so I thought I would post a picture or two.

How lovely are these 2? I took them to Mothercare today and they bought the pram for grandbaby mine, Mel had to sit in a rocker while we wheeled prams to her and like a queen she looked and then pointed and said " That one please, I want THAT one" and that one she got.


And they made me feel like the mad old lady for taking I stopped and took them home.
It is only 4 years since I had a baby and yet I felt very old and out of it, I also had to stand back and keep my opinions to myself and also swallow the sad feeling I had when I discovered that Mel's dad had bought all the baby's bedding when I so wanted to make it.
I have to remind myself that I have had six babies of my own and that this baby isn't mine, I think it will be SO hard when the baby is here to mind my own business! Being a Nana is a bit hard already. just hurry up with the good bits if you please. I am getting impatient to see and smell and smooch and kiss this little person.
In the beginning I absolutely knew it was a girl baby, then I felt a bit sure that it was a boy, now I have absoluetly no clue, no feelings, no idea. It's exciting in an annoying sort of way.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

It's sunday.....

It's sunday, seems like no-one reads blogs at the weekend, so I am going to just indulge myself and write about the never ending skin crap.
The longer this goes on, the more I see a pattern, things that fall into a place. What works, what doesn't, what is guaranteed to hurt etc.
Here's what I see so far. Oh before I go on about all that, yesterday I just had the worst day, the itch is in my eyes, that hurts, that REALLY hurts,


More than it looks like it hurts.
I went to the hospital and the Dr there checked them out, spoke to the eye specialist on call, gave me some drops that either did nothing to help and allowed them to get so much worse, or they made it all worse, whatever, they are worse. I have never felt anything like it, I slept until 1.40 this afternoon because keeping them closed is the only thing that eases the pain.
It isn't pink eye, not conjuncitivitis, it is whatever the skin thing is, exactly the same, burns and hurts like the devil itself, hurts and hurts and more hurts and then suddenly, without any reason STOPS, just gets better. At 4.35 this afternoon it just stopped hurting, right like that, exactly on the 4.35 dot. Went from agony and dear Lord I can't take another second of this misery, to ooooh, it stopped. So I looked at the clock.... see? Too weird.
My eyes are still swollen, still very red, still a tiny bit itchy but not hurting anymore, I can take that.
My skin does the same, agony, wishing for death or coma , can't stand anymore STOPS.
It is worsened every month by having my period, not sure if that is hormonal or if it's the drugs I take to stop the ridiculously heavy bleeding.
Asprin or Ibuprofen make it worse, much worse.
Stress makes it worse, immediately, if I worry or something scary happens, WELT... itch, scratch.
When I get a flare up, my joints hurt, horribly. Real feeling like my ankles are snapping, my hips are screaming, my shoulders are hurty hurty.
I am becoming more allergic and more sensitive to every day things, I think colouring my hair has something to do with this new outbreak. I dyed my hair on friday night and got that horrendous knock back fume thing as I started to put the colour on my hair, it made me gasp and step back for a second, then I just carried on. my head has truly reacted badly to the colour I used and I wonder if those fumes hurt my eyes. I know I didn't get any dye in my eyes.
I straightened my hair and left it down and wherever the hair touched, got welts, my ears were burning and my forehead swelled. I have had my hair up today and washed it again to try and reduce the burning. The docto said I should never colour my hair again but that isn't an option, I hate to admit to vanity but I cannt have completely silver hair yet, I am going to look for plant based dyes rather than a chemical one.
I'm not sure that food makes a difference, I haven't noticed a reastion to any foods, friday night I was ill but hadn't eaten anything new or untoward, so the jury is out on that one.
I do know that I am very done with hoping this will go away, I am going to go to the doctor and really insist that I am tested until we find out why. I am tired of feeling so crappy all the time. All.The.Time.


Friday, February 15, 2008

Passion (or lack of ) and romance included, by golly.

I'm sitting here really wishing to write about something and have absolutely nothing in my head worth sharing. I could tell you how unbelievably itchy I am, how stripey and decorative I look, how I ate something yesterday that has made me burst with welty soreness. I cannot think what it could have been, I made fish pie for dinner, wild salmon, cod and smoked haddock in a cheese sauce with spinach and topped with mashed potato. I can only think it may have been the salmon, everything else is quite regularly eaten and not resulting in stripes of the itchy skin type.
We ate and an hour later I was a miserable scratching wretch, even my face is red and itchy tonight, how pretty.
So I could tell you that but it's old news really.
I called the landlady today...yikes. I am getting increasingly annoyed at her complete silence.
So, I called the office and she wasn't there ( hoorah, had a quesy tummy at the thought of actually speaking to her) spoke to her manager and explained that we had sent the keys back, had not heard from B the B landlady, explained about her not investing deposit blah blah, told him that we would wait until next friday, for either the money or the name of the company that was holding our deposit so that we coul allow them to decide who was entitled to keep the money, if we hadn't heard from her by next friday I would be submitting the papers to the county courts. He told me that he had been unaware of any of this situation, would give her the message when she got in at midday. So, we'll see, but not hold our breath. Bloody woman.
Old news.
H bought me flowers. BLIMEY! Valentines day and there were flowers and he wanted to cook dinner ( except I already had my fish pie plans because he hearts <3 fish pie and I <3 heart him so he bought splendid dessert) I was planning on seducing him, it being the day of lovers etc, we had lovely company at dinnertime, had a laugh and when it was time for Julie and Berian to go home, H said he would walk with them ( a mere 3 minutes up the hill, how lovely to be so close to my sister, is a very steep hill, that she strides down with her 3 spaniels, Tilly, Meers and Jiggy and wheezes back up again in her sturdy boots and water proof jacket, I can't quite imagine climbing the hill myself, not until I am sure I won't slither back down on the wet and slippy wintery tarmac.) So he walked with them to get a DVD, ahhhh so lovely and cosy, fire on and dim lights, was very comfy.....I woke up just before midnight, I'd nodded off sitting up, chin on hand that was all bent and stiff and cripply like an old arthritic biddy.
H was home and fast asleep in bed, he never wakes me up, apart from at 7.30am on a school day so I can make sure 3 little boys are seen off to school. My head rather likes the idea of being woken for a steamy session of unbridled passion, I suspect though that it would be a dismal failure, I don't waken well, sleep is so precious to me that if it is disturbed I am a snarling creature the likes of which no man in his right mind would want to ravish, H was very sensible to leave me to my dribbling slumber.
It's 2 years next week since my dad was poorly, TWO years! Can you believe it? Life goes on and that in itself is just awful, the knowledge that we are all so dispensable, no matter how huge or important we are, no matter how great a space we fill, life goes on. He is still such a huge part of who we are, what we think, how we act, how we live. Sometimes I forget that he isn't here, remembering always brings with it a sharp and intense pain. 2 years though.
No school next week, that came around way too quickly, I usually love school breaks but somehow this one snuck up on us and I am very unready for 3 little boys at home for a week, we shall have to find much to do becasue otherwise the noise will unhinge me. BAd time of year fro trying to find things for little boys to do, it has been sooooooooo cold this week, which is a whine from someone who hasn't seen a - temp all winter and never gets snowbound, wet and grey and too cold for me, I am in awe fo all of you living in snow and ice and -30 temperatures. Youa re all mad, every one of you. 'MOVE' I say, why???? I just cannot imagine choosing to live somewhere it gets so cold, we did Utah for one winter and that was enough for me. That got dull right after I awwed and oohed at how pretty it was, the first time, after that I whined alot and grizzled and asked endlessly when it would stop and be over and when will the sun be back? Ack, is not for me, not at all. That stinging fingers thing? Gah I hate that. The stomping feet just so you can feel them hurt? Hellno.
So, enough waffling and trying to think of things to write, I am going away to scratch my itching head, face, arms and groin ( how ugly is that word? Horrible word, horrible place to have an itching mass of welts and ridges) I shall have some warm milk or hot chocolate and hope that my medicine works quickly, at least I know I can increase it safely every now and then when it is particulary bad. Am boring even me........night night.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

And then there was Isaac...

Whose parent teacher appointment was much more like old times! You know, things like " Isaac is going to work on finishing a task because sometimes, he appears to not be terribly bothered" and "He has come on in leaps and bounds but we need to get up to year 2 work ( still in year one level) When I think of all the extra challenges he has had to face like just being able to LOOK at people, talk outloud, walk into the classroom, the fact that he is as far advanced as he is seems miraculous to me, he reads beautifully ( but has trouble comprehending what he reads) his writing is 100% better than it was and he answers the register, he reads outloud, he is incredible. If he doesn't stop this damned NO! business pretty sharpish I might got stark staring bloody mad though, he decided he didnt want to go in the car after school, ran away, yelled, screamed etc etc, for about 30 seconds I ran after him and yelled back and then I said
"H!!! Forget it, he doesn't want to come, he wants to walk, let's go!" H got the idea right away and said " Oh. OK, he knows the way, that's good."
We got in the car and before I could turn the key he was in, saying " I'm not putting my seat belt on though" Little shit.
Seth and Isaac have been invited to Hannah and Lewis's house tomorrow, I saw the dark cloud pass over Isaac's face, so quick as a flash I said " AND...while Seth and Eli are there we are going to ask Matthew is he would like to come with mum and Isaac, " Phew.....Isaac likes that idea, Matthews mummy likes that idea and we are sure Matthew will like that idea, he was asleep by the time I got around to calling Matthew's mum to ask her.
I remembered one of the strange things that make me happy things from yesterday's post idea.
H is, as discussed many times before a bit eccentric, one of his quirls is that he simply cannot eat if there isn't something good on the TV, he can eat if there is no TV, but for a snack or supper in front of the TV he has to like what is on, he will sit for 15 minutes waiting for something to start before he will eat a he discovered that Quincy is on at lunchtime on some antwhacky channel somewhere. Marvellous, just right for a lunchtime repast I am told, yesterday I came in and was about to walk into the front room when I heard " WOW!" from H....good heavesn I though, that was an enthusiastic and heartfelt statement from my hitherto unemotional husband, what can he be so animated about?
"What? " I asked as I walked into the room " I heard a WOW....tell me about it..quick!"
He looked puzzled and then told me how Quincy M.D ( he of the grey jackets and unrealistically beautiful girlfriends, I don't care if he DOES have a boat, he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, good looking, or sexy he talks with the weirdest lisp thing and he cuts up dead people for a living, how so the beautiful girls with the flicked up hair?) Anyway, Quincy solved a really tough case, he is so smart that my husband, who scarcely bat an eye when his children were born, exclaimed out loud!
Every time he has opened his mouth since I have teased him and asked him if Quincy did it again.
He dropped something and "GAH!"
"What? Did Quincy miss a vital clue?"
It's those quirks of his that I find so endearing.
We gave away the beloved recliner today , try as we might it just wouldn't fit anywhere and was taking up precious room in the dining room , so freecycle found it a new home within a couple hours, I usually give stuff to the first person that emails but this chair was so precious I wanted it to go to someone that would love it too, the lady that picked it up was thrilled and is trying to rebuild a home after a breakup so we felt happy to see it go to a home that will appreciate it. We also love having that extra space now too.
Slowly but surely we're getting straight, well hooray for that.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I had this great idea for a post.

But I forgot it, naturally.I think it had something to do with what makes me happy and bizarre things I like, but I really have forgotten the rest.
The house is beginning to look better, my goodness how long is this taking? Usually I am like a ..what? What am I like? I am like a thing possessed, never still until house looks just right, perfect, all tidy and everything in it's rightful place.
This time, not so. It has taken me all this time ( 15 days) to really get into a swing.
Today, H put some rails in my uutility room, I say 'my' utility room because it is MINE. I love laundry, I love doing it, it makes me happy, but only when I have it just right.
It was all very right in the Barn, a whole 2 rooms with washer and drier, ironing board, hanging rails, wardrobes, baskets, I loved being out there and putting it all where it belonged.
The last house was laundry hell for me, stupid washing machine in the middle of the kitchen, no electrical outlet near, so a long lead to a plug and that was the other end of the kitchen. We melted 2 extension leads in that house. Yikes!
Baskets and baskets of laundry, dirty stuff, clean stuff, stuff that needed ironing, I was a grumpy soul, I hated having such laundry chaos.
Here I am almost as happy as at the barn, in fact I might BE as happy. Not as much room but so organised and tidy and easy, wash, dry, hang. Everything in one place. Happy me.


See? Actually you may not be able to see because it's not a great picture. I keep walking out there to see all my unironed clothes hanging ready to be ironed ( and then I will hang them right back in there, forget having different closets all over the place, H does have his own closet but I like my clothes right there, choose something every day and be done with it.
I am writing about LAUNDRY...look several paragraphs and it makes me happy, does this tell a tale? Who cares, I love it, the smell and that lovely feeling as I look at lines of clean clothes.

The sun has been shining for 2 days, beautiful clean air and sunshine, what could be better for the soul than that? I walked into town and without a coat, coming home I got almost too hot as we live on a doozy of a hill, I marched up that hill with a song in my heart ( though not on mylips because they were busy puffing and trying to gasp in some air)

I saw Seth and Elijahs' teachers today for a parent teacher consult. Such a treat for me, after the years of Dan, Jordan and Sophie's teacher consults ( "Lovely boy, one day he may even do some work, do you think that might happen ? Do you?" "yes, Mrs H, Jordan is a good boy, never still though, we sit him in the middle of the classroom and away from everything because he can't sit still and it would seem it is impossible for him to not touch, he spends a lot of his day upside down under tables and doing headstands but we can't catch him out, when I lose my patience with him and ask JORDAN H...WHAT DID I JUST SAY? He can always tell me, amazing and also... annoying"
"Ahhhh Mrs H, Sophie, yes, hmmmmmm, er......well, she did write something last week, would you like to see? How is her medication? Oh I see, well, well not really, she's a little full on for the other children and a bit rough"
That kind of thing. Not fun but mildly amusing to my warped sense of humour.
So Seth's teacher today. The upshot is, at 7, he is reading at the level expected of an 11 year old and his spelling is at the level of a 10.4 year old ( how precise!)
He is consistantly improving and is equally great at Maths. He writes great stories which amazes me as he has never shown an imagination really, such a lover of facts, stories seem a bit of nonsense to him. His teacher says he definitely shows autistic tendancies but doesn't think they interfere with his schooling apart from making him a bit smarter than most. He did say that he is incredibly literal and has trouble differentiating between fact and fiction.
Elijah, sweet Eli, he is doing great, plays with boys and girls but is particularly close to Hannah as they are so similar. When he came out of school today he was crying big fat tears, heartbroken tears because "well betozz Hannah isn't even my best friend anymore, I don't have a best friend anymore, she looked at me wiv a very cross face."
Isaac's consult is tomorrow, I wonder what we will hear. He is being a rotter still. I think I may have made my point this evening, after another stream of NO's I did it right back.
HE wanted to finish some painting and needed a paintbrush, every time he asked I just quietly said "no, I don't want to"
He was gobsmacked and kept asking and every time I just said "no, sorry I don't want to, just as you didn't want to get dressed this morning, or walk to school, or ask nicely for the brush I don't want to help you, so no"
He went and found his own brush and then I heard him say " Daddy, please could I have a glass of water to do my painting?"
We'll see what happens in the morning because I am more than weary of this continual fighting.
So, pretty good week so far, we like that.

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

You'll get your reward on heaven, they say...

And sometimes you don't have to wait that long.
I have been asked to teach the babies at church, they would be very cross if they heard me to refer to them as babies because they are BIG boys, they are three, Noah, Matthew, Jared and Nathan. They don't wear pull ups and dey dot bid beds wizz Thomas bed and Cars quilt and they are SO big boys. But they are babies.
Christ said that he loved the children best and admonished us to be as little children. Every time I work with these little people I see why that is.
Todays lesson was about how Heavenly Father and Jesus love us. I took in with me a big canvas bag filled with toy animals, toy jelly fish, real fruit, a mirror.
We took things out of the bag
" A COW!"
"I want nat shart!" ( killer whale) one exciting toy after the other,we were having such fun and I got carried away and pulled out a bear, with growling face and sharp teeth....ROAR!
Noah may well have built the ark but that bear made him lose it completely. BAD mister Helen. ( which is who I am apparantly) Oh dear, it took poor Noah a very long time to recover and the bag no longer held any joys or excitement, just deep fear and flinching.
I showed them the mirror and said that if they looked in there, they would see someone that Heavenly Father loves very much, who could that be?
They had no inhibitions, not a trace of doubt, no embarrassment, just an absolute belief that they are loveable and perfect.
We really should be more like them.
Last week was my first week teaching the littlest ones, they cried and hung their heads and this is all so new to them, used to being in nursery where they play and have snacks, big boys now they sit with us and sing, and they have a lesson that is 40 minutes long ( that is a REALLY long time for 3 year olds, and an even longer time for a teacher if she isn't fully prepared, you cannot wing it with babies, they can cause chaos in a 3 minute lull!)
It took me a little while to settle them and by the end of the morning they were all happy.
Today, 2 were away and 2 came into church.....both these little boys saw me and I heard " Air she IS! Mister ELLUN!" and such excitement and joy, so happy to see me and no matter how bad the morning had been ( and oh my, this morning was a BAD one) life suddenly became brighter, if we could all just be so excited about learning.
These little boys remember what we did last week and they long to carry on, they jump and squeal when they know the answer to a question. When our lesson was over we went to the main meeting and as I settled my boys I heard again "HEY! Mister ELLUN!" Sweet Matthew who is so earnest and eager and careful to be right.......I adore these little boys.
I didn't adore Isaac today, I mean this week, actually the past month. I ran out of compassion for the troubles he may have had with moving, I am weary of fighting him on every damn thing. He has really pushed every limit lately and says no to everything, he stands rock still and refuses to get dressed, undressed, eat his dinner, pick up his toys, listen.......he does this smirk and just says NO.
Last night bathtime came and went and he missed his bath, this morning I ran a bath and asked him to get ready and jump in.
NO. He was determined not to do it, I tried everything from reasoning to yelling and he just ran away, stood still, ran away again, screamed NO NO NO NO NO. I asked H to come and help, because I am hormonal and my head is liable to explode or just spin in an exocist type frenzy.
No H. Now, H is the epitome of helpful, from monday to saturday he is there, hands on, doing it, organising it, cleaning it, working with the boys, for some unexplained reason on sundays he is on a whole different planet.
Occassionally I am organised enough to have church clothes ironed and ready on saturday night. Usually I am not, I am always organised enough to have he clothes washed and dried and ready for ironing but inevitably sunday morning comes along and there are 4 white shirts to iron, trousers to press, whatever I am going to wear. Snacks to prepare, lessons to pack up. Kids to feed.
H who gets up at 5am every day if not earlier, sleeps in on sundays, he then wakes up in time to shower and eat and dress himself.
Every sunday my irritation at this out of the ordinary behaviour increases. I never say anything because he is so great the other 6 days, I never have to worry about anything, if I have to go it I go ut, he does everything here, he walks the boys to and from school, he gets up with them every day and allows me to sleep whenever I need to. Sundays are the exception and I really can't understand why it irks me SO much.
I stand and iron the white shirts and without fail I am reminded of the day when, about a week after we were married, having ironed a whole stack of work shirts for H, he came over to me and asked if he might show me how to do them properly.
Yes, he really DID that and he is still here, without an iron shaped inprint in his forehead, so stunned and appalled was I that he would dare to suggest such a thing.
Because I allowed that occassion to pass without voicing my dissaproval, it comes back to me every sunday morning while I stand and iron the damn shirts that I hate bloody well doing and how DARE he show me how to iron a shirt!! If I want to iron the sides first and the collar last I will and lets see him try and make me do otherwise, except, I do it the 'right way' every week....collar and shoulders first, sleeves ( don't forget the cuffs need doing extra well to make them sharp) back next and then the fronts. Every week I hear his instructions and bloody well follow them, which makes me mad at him and even madder at think he even remembers daring to 'teach' me how to iron a shirt??
So, hormonally challenged and annoyed that he is calmly going about his restful sunday morning routine, having been through the sunday morning hell of shirt ironing, I am now faced with Isaac who is making my time to get myself ready shorter and shorter, I can see I am going to have to go unshowered, no make up on and flustered if he doesn't get in that lovely bath and get CLEAN.
I ran out of patience, ideas and sanity and I picked up my fastidious and clothing obsessed 6 year old and I put him in the bath IN HIS PYJAMAS and his SOCKS and OH MY HELL THE WORLD CAME TO AN END!
H came then, of course, and he rescued Isaac, just as he had come down from the ceiling, just as I had helped him take OFF the WET PYJAMAS and OH MY SOCKS ARE WET I HATE WET SOCKS I DON'T WANT MY SOCKS WET ( well should have taken the damn things off 20 minutes ago and got into the bath the 1st, 2nd even the 7th time you were told!) He was just about to actually get IN the bath and daddy rescued him, that was the end. I crumpled in a weeping heap of frustration for about 3 seconds and then I finished off Isaac's tantrum. Rather splendidly thankyou.
Eventually, when I was bathed ( can't waste lovely, warm, bubbly water) and dressed and miraculously all 3 boys and H were dressed too, without my having to help or answer the 13 'where are my sunday shoes' questions (hurriedly shhhhhhed by H,) shoes were found without my help ( imagine!) I sat the boys down and heard myself telling of how when I was little, if my mum or dad asked or told me to do something, I did it. There were consequences to being disobedient and we learned very quickly that doing as we were told was very much the best way to go.
Seth listens well to discussions like these, I can see his head taking it all in and more often then not he really does change how he does things. Elijah spends a lot of time saying things like " I am a dood boy aren't I mummy? I dot inna barf didn't I mummy? I not a naughty boy am I mummy" Isaac, is a closed book. He fidgets and smirks, he climbs and plays and we have to wait and see if he took any notice or not.
He went to bed tonight without a battle (which hasn't happened since before we moved) he has always loved going to sleep but this move has thrown him for a loop, it's been tough.
Last night he fought so hard that eventually I told him he had to stay down and I wouldn't ALLOW him to go to sleep, he sat outside the front room, in the hallway yelling for a story ( which he missed because he wouldn't go upstairs at storytime, physically carrying him will not work, it is a waste of time and energy, he is set in a routine he has to do certain things or he is so distressed we are in for hours of misery)
we had to keep explaining that he had the chance and blew it, that he could either go to bed or sit out there on his own. ( praying for the patience to see this through and not just put him out on the doortep in a cancer reseacrh bag and let them take him away to sell for research money)
After 2 hours ( at 10pm) he walked into the front room, asked nicely for the flashlight ( he takes a lantern AND a flashlight, hot water bottle and a drink) and said he was ready for bed. Sometimes we are reminded that Isaac has autism when it might be easy to forget.
Mostly I get Isaac, I know how his mind works and we tick along beautifully together, he is my sweet boy and I love to have him come with me when I go out. Other times I have the worst time with keeping my temper in check, 2 hours is a long time to have to keep your cool and watch him go through this process. Today was not a good one to begin with, thank Heaven for those little people that made me feel as though I did something right.
There's a lady at church who has lost a huge amount of weight, she looks great and when I saw her the other day we had such a lovely chat about what she did and how she is still doing it.
She told me that she had a load of clothes that I was welcome to and I thanked her because I am so sick of my same old same old boring raggedy Annie look. ( unkempt even)
She brought them to church today and they really are lovely clothes, she works and so they are clothes that I can wear every day as well as out if I actually ever go anywhere.
I sorted through them when I got home and was so thrilled with them but's not much fun being the recipient of someone else's FAT clothes.
The acid reflux, near death experience seems to have scared the greed out of me for a while, I have embraced my slimfast and salad diet with open arms and closed mouth. I am enjoying the feeling of not eating for England and wouldn't it be great if I don't get to wear Sally's lovely and much appreciated Fat clothes for long?
The weather has cheered up, sunshine always lifts my spirits, I am looking forward to spring and all that holds. Mel is feeling better and will hopefully be home from the hospital tomorrow. No ultrsound so baby is still a mystery to us, we're getting used to the idea now ( but I bet no-one would say no to the chance of knowing!) Such a worry this sickness has been, such a precious baby, we are so relieved that s/he is still where s/he needs to be.
Very good, ready we are for the new week, wonder what it holds.

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Saturday, February 09, 2008


That's my heart strings, we have a country and western fest going on right now with my heart strings being twanged to a fairly natty beat.
Sophie came today and she ate, slept and then she cooked US dinner, she babysat while H and I did what we had to do on a saturday afternoon.
When she has eaten dinner she asked me to drop her to the house she is staying in and then wait for her to get changed, then take her to work. She had helped us so I did that for her, it also means I get to see where she is sleeping this week.
TWANG! I drove up outside a regular house, but it was a family house, with lit up windows and clean cars outside, I could see into the sitting room and it was tidy and warm, with white net curtains at the window, she is safe this week. I can't tell you how that feels, although you can be sure I will try my hardest.
It feels like relief and guilt, it feels like happy and heartbroken.
Relief because, well she's safe and she is in a home that is good, that has parents and children, that has allowed her in and is wrapping its arms around her. Guilt because she can't be here. She will ( I can but hope) be a good girl there and help out, she will show respect and ( I hope) adhere to any rules that they put down. She is friends with the daughter and I hear that she is a good girl ( from other people) Stupid pride that has no place her, what must this girl's parents think of me, as a mother? How could I turn away my own child? I've been there and done that, then I got to see what those parents had been subjected to, I hope they never see what Sophie is capable of.
Happy because to be able to go to bed and sleep knowing that she is safe and warm is priceless. Heartbreaking because if only she could learn and grow up, she could have that here, with HER family.
Then we have Mel.
She is hospital with a UTI, so poorly and shaking, in pain and just miserable. I am so glad she is being so well looked after and I took Jordan to visit her during his break today, I stayed just a minute or two and then left to sit in the car and read while Jordan spent some time with her. I was so weepy as I left because this tiny little person is so precious to us all already that the thought of anything happening to him / her is unbearable. We have these babies and carry them, hardly giving a thought to the miracle that is happening, without any thought as to how we do it, we manage to grow these babies and give birth to string healthy little people. It is possible these days to save babies born as young as 24 weeks ( and Mel is just 24 weeks) with technology these tiniest of babies can survive but nothing does the job as well as a womb, as a mother just going about her business and keeping that baby inside.
The Drs have told Mel how serious this is, she really is quite sick and so far the anti biotics aren't helping her get better, she will be in hospital until as late as tuesday, she went in yesterday at 2pm. I am sure that all will be well, but so easily it could have been worse and even though we haven't met this little person yet, we don't know if it is a boy or a girl but it is as loved as it could possibly be.
( Who can help but wonder if they may do an ultrasound and see what that little stinker kept hidden last time?!)
The baby has a great heartbeat, is kicking and strong......Mel is having all the care she needs, all we can do is pray and hope and trust that all will be well.
I went to the shop at the hospital to buy a magazine and a drink for while I waited in the car and another lady and I stood side by side looking at the shelves and politely allowing each other space........only to hear "HELLO!" It was my sister! Ha, imagine that, she was there with her husband who had a painful foot, must call and see if he is better now, so funny that we had been standing next to each other all that time without realising it.
Oh, also, when I drove Sophie to get changed we had to drive past the old house, I collected our wheelie bin that we left behind and saw that the lights were on, so it looks like landlady has been there and left a hallway light on. I wonder what she thought as she walked through that spotless house? I wonder if maybe she has any heart ( and I think she must have as she showed a bit of it when she let us move into the barn) and I wonder if HER heart strings got a twang of conscience? Oh I hope so! I am giving her a week longer to send us some money and then I will write and ask her where she invested that money ( which is almost certainly nowhere!) I will suggest that we allow the investment compnay decide who should have that deposit money and failing that, the courts, I just hope that now she has been to the house and seen how we left it, she will have fleeting visit from the human kindness fairy and a smack around the head from the 'pay them their money you heartless old bag' pixies.
Meanwhile we are all continuing to enjoy our new home, I still paddle about in my bare feet and sighing with pleasure at the kitchen. I can't walk up the stairs without my heart saying a thankyou, I never walk into our room without being enveloped with a feeling of peace. Can't put a price on that can you?

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Not sure what THAT was...but I didn't like it.

Last night, when I was so gloriously and deeply asleep something happened that scared the beejeebers out of me. Every now and then I stop breathing, this has been an issue for years, it's apparantly a stress thing, I am beginning to think it may be something more, lately as I wake up ( always in a terrible panic) I feel as though my throat is burning, last night I woke up, on all fours, literally gasping for breath, I just could not get any air into my lungs, in fact I thought for a moment there I was dying. Throughout the day today I have felt the same kind of feeling, although not as intense. I think it might be a sort of acid reflux thing, acid is seeping up and then I must sort of breathe it in and choke.
I really know that I have to do something to help myself, I know it, can see it and yet I still keep doing this to myself, the medicines I am on can cause acid and indigestion etc, the food I eat is not always good food, sometimes it is and mostly it isn't.
I am tired of snoring, I wake myself up doing it. I hate being a weary aching person. Until now the idea of dieting as well as dealing with everything else was just too much.
Inside I am beginning to have a reserve of energy, I can feel it. As the sun begins to shine and the days are brighter I can feel a real lifting of my spirits.
I still have a while to deal with some big issues, still have some ends to tie, some of it will be difficult and hopefully some things will just resolve themselves. I do feel though as if I will soon be able to think about myself more. I think I must be exhausting to be around which makes me feel uncomfortable near people. I look forward to that being over and being able to enjoy life again.
H and I have begun to do our budget living again, a set amount out every week, when it's gone, it's gone. It's great to be done with all those incredibly expensive projects for a while, we really need to get some money back in reserve, I have learned how much calmer life is when you're not living from week to week, robbing Peter to pay Paul.
I haven't entirely given up on getting at least some of that deposit money back from blasted landlady. I wish I could just let it go and stop thinking about it, but it is just such a lot of money to us. All in all she has £1010 of our money and the longer she hangs on to it the more angry I get about it, all those years of handing her money, on time, never late, now she has us holding our breath waiting to see if she is even going to give us the absolute minimum she owes us.
( listen to me, no wonder I have acid stomach and such like, I am eating myself from the inside out with it all!!)
It does feel rather nice to be able to wander into town again, not have to drive everywhere, it feels REALLY good to stay in my PJs while H walks the boys to school. Life is on the up, let's hope it gets there quickly!


Thursday, February 07, 2008

Pictures and tales.

So, we're getting there, slowly but surely, settling in, belonging, relaxing, arranging and making our mark, never have I taken so long to make a home my own and yet, it was mine from the moment I stepped through the front door.
Pictures, I took they are for your close scrutiny and enjoyment.

Look at my heavenly bedroom, all cosy and nearly finished, I put the headboard up at last...only 4 inches too high for goodness sake, never mind, tomorrow is another day. Even so, I walk into this room and my whole being relaxes, I feel immediately safe and ready to sleep. It is warm and soft and H sits on the bed and says things like " Yep, this is a pretty neat room alright" which, really, that is such high praise from H, almost embarrassingly over the top for him.
H walked the boys to school ( oh joy) again today and after I said goodbye and made the boys beds, tidied a bit I went back to bed and woke up at noon. Glory be.

Now, this next picture tells such a happy tale, in that other house, the boys never played upstairs, ever. Not once did they take a toy up there, they went to bed and slept when H sat in their room with them until they fell asleep. So when Elijah had Hannah home to play today and I saw this...

My heart sang a bit, in fact quite beautifully and loudly and even in tune.

My kitchen that gets more lovely as the days go by, more loved and splendid and we are almost able to say that we know where everything goes, although H and I are still quietly having a battle of wills on where the paper towel should live ( not in the cupboard, who wants to root in a cupboard when the 6 year old throws a whole yoghurt over our guest? WHO? Not me, that's who)
In fact so beloved is my kitchen that I am going to post another picture.

Not sure that the fluffy covered hot water botles should live right there on that shelf right by the door but so far it works ( and will soon be warm enough to hide the HWBs until nest winter)
And so as not to leave Seth out, here is the picture I tried to take of his room, he had Lewis ( brother to Hannah and best friend to Seth, which means Seth and Eli both had a friend here today and Isaac, though disliking inviting his own friend, was very grumpy and quite naughty and then he was VERY naughty and threw the yoghurt, which multiplied about 35 times mid air until it hit..Lewis, the table, walls, Lewis again, floor, fireplace and Lewis, again.)
Anyway, Lewis was here and because 2 x seven year old boys together almost always ends in talk of bottoms ( and things like "take a shot of THAT then!" as trousers are threatened to be pulled down and lots of high pitched guffawing ensues) well because of that, I shot this picture, told them to keep their buttocks to themselves and high tailed it out of there, also, I didn't know that 7 year ols boys could smell so sweaty when they were playing basketball, after Isaac had thrown ALL the basketballs over the wall ( yeah have some fun with your buddy NOW!) They retreated to the bedroom to play with the indoor basketball hoop. Pheeeeeoooooooie, pew, had to open a window in there.


That's as far as we are, no more pictures until we have done some more, lovely to be taking our time and doing things at a leisurely pace.
I was so touched by Elijah as he welcomed Hannah into our home, as soon as she was in, he knelt down to take off her shoes, is he not the most divine and mannerly little man? No, he is not, he is a great big flossy , no sooner were the shoes off her feet than they were on his. I heard him say to her " hey lets duss play at drethin' up shall we?" and I nipped THAT in the bud because I KNEW he wanted her school skirt and tights ( of a soft, red woollen, style)
I know, I know, he's four, don't panic, it's a phase, he'll grow out of it, well maybe I should video the walk he does, that'd stop you in your tracks alright, he is a midget drag queen, he is. Also, glorious and only four, we can run with the skirts and sequin attraction for a while longer, though it's getting harder to find cute, mostly.
No news on the girl child, I suppose her phone is dead and needs recharging. No news is good news though, I hope.

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