Take that routine!

I think....in fact I am sure, that I have clambered out of the pit. The dark and stifling misery has gone, I can breathe again.
This week has been a total breath of fresh air to me, so out of the norm, so refreshing and spontaneous.
Back in the day, when I was on my own with the 3 big kids, we had an almost idyllic life. We did what was right at the time, we got up and went, we explored and made memories.
This life I live now, this life of routine and structure, it has been strangling me.
I do things that I want to do but I realised that I do them while I watch the clock, while I think about being back for this time, making sure this happens, not forgetting that. Which is, I know, what most mothers do.
This week, I have thrown all caution to the wind.
The beach on a school night.
Hot dogs for dinner...really, actual hot dogs for dinner. Who thought?
I am absolutely letting myself off the hook.
No-one will die if I don't cook meat and 2 veg every single night. Imagine.
I have barely been shopping.

I bought 2 pictures, really, really beautiful pictures, these 2 pictures....




and


This one is called " Be not afraid" and what better reminder can we have in our home than this?

I have wanted these pictures for years and somehow there always seemed to be something else to pay for, something else we needed, something else to do.
This week I stopped thinking about something else and I bought them because I want to have beautiful things in my home, I need to see images such as these when I am sitting and thinking.

I am sure I won't be completely abandoning my Martha Stewart wannabe tendencies but oh how splendid this week off has been.

The boys have been to bed late every day this week, I feel like the summer holidays are already here, at school there is a definite feeling of " is it all over yet?" the weather has been glorious, the past 2 days the temperature has reached 28 C, oh it's so summery and glorious.

This morning, Sophie and I went to Teignmouth, we sat on the beach and we walked around town.
Her phone rang and it was Charles, a man she met last week who is so keen to know her, he calls and texts and she tries to hide and pretend she doesn't like him..but she can't quite convince herself ( or me) he called to say that he wanted to come and see her before he went to London for the day.
She told him where we were and then she said " Can we go and buy some clothes that cover me more?"
YES SHE DID!!!
She was wearing shorter than short shorts and a top that was fighting to hold those boobs of hers in and was losing.
We went and bought the prettiest T-shirt and some white capris...and she looked so beautiful, so lovely, she was so scared of meeting him, she told me not to leave her....I did of course, after meeting him and shaking his hand ( because he said " it's lovely to meet you and held out his hand...I love him already!)
I think she is ready to let someone be kind to her, to allow someone in to get to know the real Sophie and I hope she can calm her fears enough to stop the usual 'run and hide' thing she does. When she meets someone she likes and then they like her back she is terrified and she won't answer calls, won't meet up with them. I hope this time she can allow herself to enjoy what she deserves.
She is the sweetest girl, how wonderful that she knows that now and is more and more willing to let the world see it too.
A good week.
Splendid.

Oh I love the sunshine.

Something tells me they do too.

All my children.

Dan came back from New York last night and this morning, he drove down to see us.
I love having Dan here, the boys adore having him around and when he is here, life is very loud, very busy and hysterical.
My children, especially the boys, have exceptionally loud voices, they don't speak, they BOOM, they don't whisper they BELLOW. Daniel's voice in particular is ear bustingly loud, you can hear him as he walks up the street, know he will be here soon, long before you can see him.
The boys were at school and so we decided that we would go out for Sophie's birthday lunch, she is 20 tomorrow ( oh no more teenagers, how I shall miss that.) Jordan will be at work so we went today.
We stopped to get petrol in my car first, as I was filling up I saw Dan go into the service station and walk up to the register. I followed him in and saw him point at my car.....he had already paid for my petrol, the lady behind the till said " Awwwwww, oh that is SO lovely! I can't believe he did that, I hope my son does things like that for me one day, I am going to tell him about this when I get home, drop some hints....that has made my day, seeing someone do that for his mum. The ladies were all ahhhhhing and how lovelying together as we walked out." He is a good boy and a very loud one at that.
We got to the restaurant and sat down, surrounded by diners who arrived before us, we had a long table with Joshua sitting in between Dan and Jordan, Sophie, Mel and I were on the other side of the table.
The waitress came and asked what drinks we would like, now the whole time we were sitting there is always banter, Jordan and Daniel are like verbal ping pong, they bounce hysterical quips at each other constantly, they find each other gust bustingly funny and they laugh, all the time ( very very loudly) This sweet girl asked us what we would like and when it came to Jordan he asked for a shandy ( beer and lemonade) Daniel, ever tactful bellowed "Good God Jordan, SHANDY? Where you going to put that next to your tampons?"
I was horrified and said "DANIEL! Please, behave" to which Jordan replied "Yes Daniel, shut up! And anyway I use panty liners!"
I didn't know what to do, the waitress nearly burst her face trying not to laugh, perhaps you had to be there and you certainly have to experience the way they are together to see that they somehow manage to make even the most uncouth things hysterical.
I apologised as we left and hope one day to be able to return.
Some pictures...


Let me has your shandy daddy, I want to have it!


Remember when we used to read picture books to 9 month old babies? You tube clips on iPods don't seem the same do they?


He is beloved this baby.


These 2 have a special bond, it warms my heart every time I see them together.






The boys are never without some real rough play when their big brothers are about.





No pictures of Sophie because she was sulking in the car. Always one isn't there?

Welcome back!

In my adult life, since I left home, I have had 23 homes. From a humble room in a nurses home to a converted barn on an acre of land.
22 of those homes I made beautiful, even the devils house with fauna and flora growing out of the floors and walls and the black mist of misery that was seeping through the walls, I made each and every one ( though I say so myself) look and feel like somewhere people wanted to be. It was easy, I have always loved having homes that people walk into and gasp. Not because they are filled with expensive designer furniture or because everything matches, mainly because I have an eye for a bargain and somehow it falls together and works. I taught myself to sew and make things and I have always had such pride in where I live, it has always been my 'thing' my joy.
And then we moved here.
3 moves in 7 months pretty much wiped out every drop of house pride I may have had.
We moved here 14 months ago, the day after we moved in ( and I was so excited to be here) I stripped the olive green and mustard wallpaper off the walls in the tiny toilet room...and that has pretty much been the extent of my home making here.
Coincidentally, as I just typed that this is my 23rd home, I laughed as the house number is 23.
When I stripped the wallpaper off the toilet walls, I did paint the woodwork, the paint was cheap though and the deep and disturbing moss green paint that was there before showed through and my heart wasn't in it at all. I painted the top part of the walls a lovely deep beige colour and left the bottom half ready to repaper them, I bought some lovely paper and I put it in the workshop. It has been there ever since.
Until last night. At midnight, I suddenly wanted, more than anything to finish that room, so I did.
It took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to transform that little room. This evening I repainted the woodwork, bye bye green stripey cheap paint, hello beautiful clean white.
I can't tell you what a difference it has made to how I feel about this house. I can feel the old love for the walls I live within creeping back in.




Today, I drove to see my friend who is moving to Australia, she is such a home bird and like me she loves where she lives, she moved back to Devon 18 months ago and has been living in paradise, in a beautiful farmhouse, in the middle of nowhere, raising chickens, riding horses, basking in her dream life. I have never been to her home because it is quite a long way away and life gets in the way. I went today because I wanted to see her before she left, I knew how hard she was finding the whole idea of leaving to live so far away, her husband has already left and is in Australia, setting up a new home for them and soaking up the sunshine.
If there is one thing I know how to do, it is clean a house to leave it beautiful for the next people who live there.
This year I made the decision with H that I was going to build a store cupboard, not just a full pantry but a real store of everything we need. We are advised in the church to always have a good store, if possible a years supply of the things your family will need so that in times of turmoil, poverty of even disaster you can provide for your family.
Last year I felt strongly that we should have a store cupboard and I ignored my feelings and spent a lot of money on ME...it was great, I went to Boston twice and actually I think that doing that saved me, it saved me from sinking so far into a pit of no return. I remembered what fun was, I learned that I am not a hideous waste of life and I got me some of me back.
When I came home in December, unable to completely shake the feeling that I had put what I wanted before what I felt our family needed, I decided and I promised that this year I would stay home and do what my heart was telling me.
I am never surprised but always delighted by how, when I make a decision that is right for me or mine, everything falls into place. I'm not saying that the fairies drop it all in my lap but I am almost always able to do what I plan to do.
So, long winded but I get there eventually... when I heard that Alex was moving so far away, I emailed her and asked her if she has a store cupboard ( because she is very like me and I knew the chances would be pretty great) and if she would sell it to me.
She replied and said that she had a few sacks of rice ( which is what H lives on, you have no idea how much rice the man eats in a month, no potatoes, little bread, hardly any pasta but rice with everything) and also she said she might have a few packets of things. Hooray!
Then last week she emailed and said that she had wicker baskets, she loves them and she wasn't allowed to take them with her because of termites..did I want them?
I don't think a home can ever have too much wood, wicker or tupperware.
So, Sophie and I drove the 60 miles or so to Alex's house ( without getting lost I might add) and we left our house in the cold morning, icy wind shield but bright and cold morning, we drove 30 miles or so into thick snow, real wintry Christmas card weather, the snow had obviously been settled for a while and we really loved seeing the moors all covered in the hated white stuff.
We drove for 30 minutes or so through the snow and wondered if we were going to be in trouble right out in the wilds.....we drove around a few bends and suddenly there wasn't any snow, gone, all of it. It was quite extraordinary, beautiful bright, warm day.
Alex's house is the stuff of chocolate boxes and dreams.
Huge gardens, slate floors, old, battered wooden doors and window frames, tiny panes of glass, latched instead of door handles. Complete and utter heaven, if I had enough money I would live there in a heartbeat. The rent is only £300 a month more than this little terraced house with no garden and it is idyllic. It is not for us though not now anyway.
Sophie sat on one of the tree swings in the sun when we had finished cleaning and packing and she said she could feel herself breathing and feeling real happiness. Divine.
So, Alex was out when we got there but the doors were open so we let ourselves in and set to, cleaning and washing and walking through the house imagining it was ours.
When Alex came back she showed us around the grounds and in the garage and the sheds she pointed to piles of stuff and said " that's for you, you can take that, this is for you and look, the movers left all this stuff, if you see it, you can have it. I am flying tomorrow, none of this is coming, take what you want, I have to go and deal with a pile of stuff that still isn't done....and she left again to see if she could sell her car!"
I have no idea how we got all that stuff home! We didn't actually, another lady arrived and we helped her load beds and a TV, DVD player, wardrobes, shelving units, bedside tables and more into her car and outside while she waited for backup transport to take even more.
We piled sacks of rice, buckets of honey, tins and bottles, more wicker baskets than I ever dreamed I would own, a fabulous rug for the front room, electrical leads, more baskets, more food, bags of pasta, half a drug store, ornaments, beautiful wooden candle holders, more food, packets and jars, storage jars, shampoos, shower gel, soaps and well, our kitchen and front room were piled high and we have still a lot of work to do tomorrow to organise it all.
She wouldn't take any money for any of it and I don't feel we did nearly enough cleaning to make me feel as if we earned it. I am so glad Sophie came with me, she really worked hard and helped a huge amount, when we left the house was lovely and clean, smelled beautiful and I hope Alex was able to just shut the door and walk away as she sobbed at what she has left behind.
She is so scared of this huge step but I am so proud of her for taking it, for following her husband and letting him live his dream and I am pretty sure that when she gets there, when she feels the sun and walks along the beaches that are close to her new home, she will be happy. If she isn't, she can come home.
The best thing about the last two days has been the total change in how I feel.
I have hardly thought about eating, I have been eager to get out and do things.
Oh it feels so good to feel like me again. It has been a very long time since I felt anywhere close to this.
I think I will have to act quickly and get as much done in this house in case it leaves again....it is great to feel a positive feeling for this house, I have always known it could be wonderful, I just haven't had even a spark of interest in doing it. A few wicker baskets and some organised shelves and suddenly the Martha Stewart in me is raring to go. Praise be.
My mum hasn't even been here since I showed her around 2 days before we moved in. Not many people have been here, we are usually such hospitable people H and I, we love to invite people to eat with us and share our home with people, not in this house though. How wonderful it would be to enjoy that again. Without it being hard work. It 's awful to think of doing something and then being overwhelmed with how bloody hard it all is, how weary it all makes me feel, oh it's all just to much. Ptttthhhhhhhhhhhh.

Bye bye February, Hello SPRING!

Oh I think it may be soon, Spring, that most wonderful time of year when hopes soar and life begins to seem worth doing again.
I wonder if February is so miserable so that we can truly enjoy when it is over?
We woke up today and saturdays always seem like the longest day to me, if we are trapped inside it can last a fortnight! The sun was shining, oh to wake up to sunshine instead of dark, cold nothingness is exactly what my soul needs.
H is sick, he has been getting more sick all week, I have been telling him to call the Dr since tuesday, he hasn't of course, even though I told him that the chances and sods law mean he will feel like death in saturday and will have to wait til monday to see a Dr, he still didn't call and of course, today he was so sick, his face is flushed, he is hot and weary, aching and looks like poorly. He just wanted to sleep today so I got the boys in the car with Sophie and we went off for the morning, Sophie had to work at 2pm.
It's on days like today that I am so happy to live where we are. I am convinced that this part of the world, down in Devon, is probably the best place to be, I honestly can't think of any place in the world I would rather live.
Here is why....

Look how pretty that is, this is everywhere, I don't have to go further than 1/2 mile before I see this beautiful countryside.


Look! Where else can you go for a short drive and pass vehicles like this and have the driver smile at you as you drive past?

Of course, he may have been smiling at these 3 loons in the back!



And look, hope in the hedgerows, I just love to see Daffodils and primroses as I drive by.



Sunshine and short sleeves, all is well in this world.



A little boy and some spring flowers...heaven.



Clampets in training!



This set of traffic lights have been like this for a few days and it always makes me laugh to see them!



Time for Sophie to go to work.


H was still feeling awful when we got home and slept until 4pm, by the time he got up I felt pretty rough too, I slept until 7.30pm! When I did wake up pretty much all of me was aching and I feel like H looks.... it's never a good thing when both of us are sick at the same time, those little people could take over and anarchy will rule! I hope that it's a quick virus and not something that lasts too long..although H has been down a week already.
Amazing how the sunshine makes it all seem less daunting though. I feel as though I charged my batteries today, to drive with the windows open, to walk without several layers of clothing on, to be able to sit and watch little boys running and climbing. I am so grateful for that reminder today that life is not always going to be grey and weary.
Bye bye February, March we are happy to see you!

Probably...

Probably the best thing I ever learned in my many therapy sessions is this. People are going to hurt you, it's human existence, if we are, we will be hurt, it's unavoidable. We can only be damaged by that hurt however, if we allow ourselves to be.
I used to visit a therapist almost second hand, on behalf of the boys. When they were so fragile, so damaged and hurt they only ever spoke to me. You cannot take a child to a therapist and say " you have an hour, tell the nice lady everything that troubles you" It doesn't work that way.
My boys would behave like normal boys ( almost, sometimes) they were normal to me because I hadn't had any other 4 and 2 year old boys, I hadn't had 4 and 6 year olds, 0r 8 and 10 year olds so whatever they did was 'normal' to me.
Dan would line toys from his bed to the door every night, for 3 years, sharp toys, noisy toys, lego bricks ...every night I would go in and trip on them and tut and then pick them up, put them away. I never said anything, it was just what happened until after 3 years, when he was then 7, he said one morning " Mummy, every night I line toys up on the floor in my room so that if a stranger comes in, he will trip on them and wake me up and I will be able to scream and he won't hurt me anymore..every morning I wake up and they are gone....it is SO weird because I don't know where they go"
Gulp.
Jordan was never naughty, from the age of 23 months until he was 5 he was quiet and obedient, he sat still and he was good. Unless he couldn't see me and then he would scream, deafening screams until he could see me again. He came with me to the toilet, to bed, to eat, to shop, to church, to the kitchen, to the front door. That was because ( at the age of 2) he was told that he was BAD and that he was WICKED and that if his mummy or daddy ever found out how BAD he was...they would send him away.
Dear God.
Things would happen and I would deal with them and then, every monday I would go to see a child psychologist and would recount every sordid thing that had happened to my children. ( and for the record, I will never ever write them on this blog because there are so may freaks and perverts out there, you wouldn't believe what people google that brings them here, if I were to describe what happened and what they told me, I would be swamped by filthy child molesters) also..no-one wants or needs to know the details. ) I would tell her what they did/ said and what I did / said back and she would tell me that I did the right thing and what to do if A B or C happened.
Those boys would remember details of what had happened to them for 3 years, out of the blue, something would trigger a reaction that would make my blood run cold....in the store, at the park, at nursery school ( but only if I was there, if I wasn't there they would see 2 little boys who would sit on a chair and wait for me to collect them, Jordan started nursery in January and in October they wrote to me to say they had seen him smile and also that HUGE NEWS! He got off his chair and picked up a book and then she sat back down again and held the book until I came to get him) Suddenly they would scream a blood curdling scream and then the verbal diarrhea would begin....streams and streams of unpunctuated vomiting of 'oh and thens' they would remember and they would tell me and then, as quickly as it began, they would stop. FLICK. Over, back to playing and being a regular kid again. Wherever we were I would have to stop and wait, listen to every single word and then I would do whatever seemed right at the time.
One day I went to see the shrink with all the answers and whined for 30 minutes about how totally useless the first one was. I cried about how he let the kids down, how he didn't turn up, how he would constantly disappoint me as a father.
She listened ( so patiently, honestly therapy is the best they can't tell you to shut up, they are paid to listen, heaven!) and then she said the one thing I needed to hear, the thing that I have remembered and used and tested and used again and it has never, ever let me down. Not once, in 19 years.
She said "Helen, he can only disappoint you if you expect more than he is capable of delivering. Stop expecting anything and you will never be disappointed again. He isn't letting you or the children down, he isn't capable of being what you wish he would be. He CAN'T do it or be it. Let him off the hook"
Oh my goodness. It works, it REALLY works. Stop wishing people would be or do or say anything particular, just accept people are human and enjoy what they DO bring to your life. It is quite honestly the single most valuable piece of advice I have ever been given in my life.
From that moment whatever the first one did, or didn't do I would look at him and say to myself " well of COURSE he did/n't do that, it's what he is, it is all he is capable of" if perchance he did anything that was splendid ( and surely to Betsy in 19 years he must have, mustn't he? I can't recall specifics but no-one can be totally useless for that long can they?) I would accept it as a marvellous miracle and tell myself how splendid that was ..and remind myself that it was sure to be a one off and not wait with baited breath for it to happen again!
Throughout my life I have used that advice and it truly takes the pain out of feeling let down.
Rather like the lady who after having been married for 75 years, answered the question "what is your secret" by saying " It's as simple as this, you get married and you decide that he may have 3 irritating habits, when he annoys you , look at him and say " He's allowed that one, that's one of his three" and you let it go.
"How wonderful! And what are the three annoying habits that you allow your husband?"
"Oh you see, that's the secret...you never actually decide that. Every time he annoys you, you just tell yourself that it IS one of his three and you let it go."
There is something so wonderful, so liberating in letting it go. All the stewing and festering never does hurt the one you are angry at. They are likely to be having a rare old time not even giving you a second thought whilst you are giving yourself an ulcer fretting over what you can't change.
Let it go. It feels great.
I had some lovely emails, comments, instant messages and phone calls last night after my blog post. I am so lucky to have such lovely friends and they were so concerned, what I want to say is, I learned so well how to let it go. I really have, I needed to write that blog and I needed to say what I felt and I did and then I was better, honestly I am.
No-one needs to choose and nobody needs to worry that I am still sad. I'm not. I made a decision and it was absolutely the right one for me. No-one needs to leave a lovely group to show me solidarity, I know you love me, we have our own places to be and meet, all is very well in my neck of the woods and trust me when I say that I really have let it go.
Probably the best feeling in the world.

She's making a list and checking it twice.

Things that will always, without fail, spoil any feelings of peace and goodwill to all men ( that are in this particular house, although it would more than likely have the same effect if I saw it in your house too.)

Used tea bags on the kitchen work top.
Dirty spoons on same kitchen work top.
Coffee jars and sweeteners and bakery wrappers and yes, well.....on kitchen work tops.
Puddles of pee in the bathroom.
More puddles of pee in the bathroom.
Dirty towels hung back up ( WHY?!)
The inability to just THROW IT AWAY, who really believe that the 2 bites of now stale cookie is ever going to be eaten? It isn't, throw it away. DON'T leave it on the counter thinking some starving child will be grateful for it later.
Doing any type of crafts with these boys. ( yet still I keep trying, every single day.)
People who are congested, clearing that congestion, while they are sitting next to or near me. All day. Loudly. Shudder.

Things that make my heart sing at this time of year especially.

Home made gifts waiting to be delivered.
Little boys running like wild things to be first to ring the doorbell to deliver the gifts.
The sound of crackly paper and people behaving furtively ( which any other time of year might well be very alarming.)
People watching. ( as in watching people, not people, watching.)
Empty supermarkets at 6am.
Christmas tree that have been upright for 2 whole days and look pretty and sparkly.
Christmas smells of cinnamon, cloves, pine, oranges.
Little boys of 5 who hear their big brother saying Santa is fake.

Things I have picked up, put right to my mouth before putting down again ( today this is)

Turkey and cranberry pie bought at Fermoys which is like a slice of heaven and will surely be available IN heaven, should we ever get there.
Crispy bacon ( that I cooked with pancakes for everybody else and instead...I had a Xenical because oh I want thinness more than crispy bacon. ( I think)
Ready salted crisps.
Turkey and cranberry pie that, until I cut it up and served to Grandpa and H, with pickles was calling my name so loudly I was almost deafened.
Buttery toast.

Things I am determined to do and will endeavor to do cheerfully.

Keep putting down that food that tastes oh so good yet does me so much harm.
Keep doing crafts with these little boys because we will make memories dammit.
Keep fixing the tree, every evening so it looks pretty and festive and telling myself this is probably the last year it will be irresistible to little hands.
Smiling and keeping my mouth shut ( unless I am doing crafts and then all bets are off ....try it, I dare you! With MY kids I mean, not yours who are sure to be sweet and thankful and wide eyed with festive wonder at such a treat as to be making christmas crackers and tasty treats in the kitchen, with happy christmas tunes playing.)
Reminding myself that it is indeed a blessing to be the mother of a large family, to be the one they all seem to need ( at the same time usually)
Remembering that to some people, ( several of who live in this house with me) the upheaval and lack of normality at this time of year is not a positive thing that it is worrisome and unwelcome..and not punch them in the head when they behave in a less than festive fashion ( and I do mean the grown up people, not the little ones who do actually have at least the childlike joy left in them that helps with the fear, because yes, it is all insane and not normal but OH MY GOODNESS....new toys any day now! )
Enjoy everything around me this week ( apart from things listed in the first list, obviously!)

What we ( yes WE as in ME TOO!) will be eating on christmas day ( because I changed my mind and am cooking on the say not Christmas ever, after all!)

Turkey, Pheasant, Duck.
Stuffing rolled in bacon.
Roast potatoes, parsnips, mashed swede and carrots , brussel sprouts, peas.
Gravy and Lacey's cranberry sauce.

I am almost determined NOT to buy mince pies, christmas cake, christmas pudding, clotted cream. All these things are irresistible to me but so unnecessary, if I thought I could just have a taste and be done, I would go for it but this is me, H loves it all too but the boys don't so it will be H and me eating it all and neither one of us needs it. At all. I did see some really grand mince pies the other day, a pack of 6, I might get one pack of those and the smallest clotted cream I can find. I read the other day that one slice of Christmas cake has the same amount of calories as a Mac Ds meal, a cheeseburger meal. Is it worth the misery and self loathing I know I would feel if I regain weight, if I have to redo any of the lbs I have lost.
I am taking Xenical this week because all the baking I have done has just been too tempting, I am sticking with it because the thought of the side effects if I eat anything fatty is just horrific to me, I took Xenical today and was amazed at the amount of times I almost popped something in my mouth as I was cooking.
I think if I can take it this week I am sure that by the new year I will be right back on track and out of temptations way. I can't say just how thrilled I am to feel this way. I have lost more weight in shorter time spans before but this is the longest I have ever felt so positive and determined. Every day I can feel this way is like treasure to me. I still have so much fat thinking going on, I know that I am not 'cured,' that being fat and miserable is still rooted deep inside me, that keeps me determined but some days, it also tries to make me give in, tell me I'm not worth trying for, what's the point? Those feelings are getting less and further away. Wonderful.

I like lists I do.

Splendid things.

Well, I am experiencing something I have never done before. I am CAR SHOPPING! I am, for real. Here's the deal. The freecycle car, for which we have been immensely grateful, needs taxing and MOTing next month. It has served us well but it is pretty much a pile of poop now. The clutch is leaking, so the interior, by my feet, is covered in clutch fluid. The drivers wing mirror fell off, it needs at least one new tyre. The worst thing for me is that in the back there are 2 full seat belts and one lap belt. That means that when we all go out, Seth is in the middle, with a lap belt that cannot be adjusted, it worries and sickens me but we are helpless really.
So, we have a choice, either suck it up, pay the money to get it through an MOT and then tax it again for 6 months ( which between the 2 will probably be close to £300-£400) or buy a new car.
Every car I have had has 'come to me' it belonged to a family member, or a friend, or I found one that I could afford and so that was what I had.
This time I can choose, to a degree. Naturally I keep finding cars that 'Oh if I just had THIS much more' which is completely typical of any new purchase from shoes to homes. I have £1200...which is enough for a nice car, that will make me feel a bit grander, safer.
I have longed for one of 2 cars, a Citroen Picasso

( actually this particular Picasso is on ebay and I have had it saved for a while and I look at it and stroke the screen because that colour is so beautiful and it is so shiny and I KNOW it doesn't smell like wet dogs...but it's £1000 more than I have, so it will stay my little dream for now....we all need something to dream about!

or a Renault Scenic.



Both are high up, have 3 separate seats in the back, with full seat belts. They are as close to a people carrier /mine van as we can get, I would dearly love a 7 seater, I could take my boys out and Joshua, have all the space you need with little boys but being practical I just can't afford it. The running costs are so high and even though petrol has come down a little bit, it is still extremely expensive and not practical for us to buy one again.
I went to see a Picasso today and it was a good price, I liked it but when I opened the doors the smell was awful, I told myself how we could clean it and blah blah and then I just told myself that even though I don't have a huge budget, surely there has to be a car out there that doesn't stink.....not that bad anyway!
I have seen 2 more cars that I can go and look at tomorrow and I am so excited that for once I get to choose, say yes or no and decide!
The third choice would be a Peugeot Partner, they are almost the ugliest car ever made but the seating is great, there is so much room, it does really well on petrol consumption too ( and I know this because Uncle Barry has one and he has logged every single mile he has ever driven, he drives many many miles in his and he loves it, it does it all for him and the few times we have been out in it I must say I kind of love it too ( can't see how ugly it is from the inside, even better!)

Again, for some reason these are just out of our reach for now and so we won't be buying a Partner this time.
Can you believe I am writing so much about a second hand car? But it will be MY 2nd hand car, that I chose and paid for and will be loved.
I do feel a little intimidated by the whole process and afraid that money I have might end up in the hands of an unscrupulous person, I am trying to stick with car dealers rather than private sellers, at least if it falls apart in a few days I can go back and cry a lot and threaten them with Sophie for an hour or something.
I can't wait to find the right one, to have it here and wave bye bye to the dear stinky freecycle one, I have thought about putting it back on freecycle but to be honest I would be too embarrassed, the dash board is held in place with wood screws, the seats have holes in them....it would cost someone too much to keep it on the road, it's time to retire it to the scrapyard.
Sophie is doing beautifully, working long hours, every day, coming home worn out and sleeping 'til it is time to go and do it again! Heaven. She will be rolling in money when she gets paid, she is paid monthly and that means a huge pay cheque for her this month.....which she will spend in the first week I suspect! It is so good to see her happy and well, busy and safe.
I love hearing from people that they have seen her at work and how hard it is to believe that it is her.....countless people come to tell me that they have seen her and how beautiful she looks. It is quite the most splendid thing.
We like splendid things, very much, actually.
***Oh, I just wanted to add that I have been eating well and living my newlife for 2 weeks, I have not been to get weighed because I really hate the thought that I haven't lost weight, if that were the case and I got despondant it would be horrible, so I am just continue on, enjoying the feeling that I am doing a grand thing and that one day, well I may wake up and get dressed in clothes that just fall off and then I shall go and get weighed and marvel at how marvellous I am. Splendid, carry on.***

And then your heart just bursts and spreads glitter and fluffy stuff all over the universe.

As a mother, more often than not, we will feel that we have done it wrong and oh we are making so many mistakes and what should we DOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
Then we do what we do and hope and pray that it will be alright in the end.
To see if it is alright, you know, in the end we have to be patient. And then a bit more patient.
Along the way we will be joyful and heartbroken, terrified and reassured. One emotion after the other.
I am riding on a high at the moment, still a little tentatively but with each passing day with more confidence.
The most splendid and heart warming part of watching Sophie at the moment is the way she and H are interacting with each other. Any interaction at all between these two is nothing short of miraculous but every day I am seeing such sweet and gentle moments.
Sophie has a card that she can charge and use in the works cafeteria, I have given her some money but as it is tight around here ( what's new?) I suggest that she take lunch and when she gets paid she can charge the card. The other morning I told her that I didn't have any money and she was fine with that, as she walked past H to go to work, without saying anything he handed her some money, he asks her about work and is genuinely interested, all these things lift her spirits and make her stronger.
She started work this morning at 8.30 and got home at 7.30 this evening having done a couple of hours overtime. She ate her dinner and then said
"Hey! I don't have to go to work tomorrow, you guys don't have school..how about we have a sleepover in MY room?"
Those little boys just about peed themselves, Isaac was heard to say "Oh this will be the best day of my whole life!"
Eli told her that he loved her.
They made beds on the floor ( where Sophie sleeps anyway for now, she hasn't slept in a bed for 18 months, I can't wait to get one in there for her!)
They chose DVDs they made popcorn drinks, got breakfast bars and we haven't seen them since 8pm.
H and I had a glorious quiet evening and even managed to curl up on the sofa together.
Dan is coming tonight for 2 days, can you hear my mummy heart sing? Watch out for the fluffy stuff and glitter because I think it could burst any minute.


( she needs a dresser too, that pile of clothes is where her clothes live right now, on the floor with her pillows!)

Well yes, actually, I WAS ready for that!

The sun that is....a whole day of it, the sun most definitely had it's hat on, hip hip hip hooray.
H and I cleaned the house from top to bottom.
Here's the thing, I walk around this house and I mutter and kick things out of the way, I tread over basketballs ( currently 7 on the kitchen floor) I swear at duplo that no-one ever seems to play with yet, there it is, always on the floor.
I see clean laundry waiting to be ironed, clean ironed laundry, waiting to be put away, dirty waiting to be washed, clean waiting to be dried.
Everywhere is a bloody great mess. Every now and then ( yet not as often as I would like) H and I have a day where it is just unbearable and we 'set to' It has never yet taken more than 2 hours to do the whole house, including scrubbing and polishing. Why then don't we just do it more often? Why, because without fail, as soon as we do it, it gets undone. Faster than it got done.
Today though we cleaned it and then, because I am so clever and was one step ahead of the gits....I took them out. Not only did I take them out but we picked up the splendid 11 year old Billy, who even though he is 11 and completely grown up, likes coming out with us and Seth, Isaac and Eli think he is just about the coolest and most fun person to be with. Crafty me, this always means that everyone has fun..including ME because I get to read a magazine in a deck chair while 4 boys play and entertain themselves.
H doesn't do beaches.....funny for a Californian I know but there we are, I suspect that he'd get sand in his sideburns and that would be that, misery for all, for me because the bloody sideburns make me miserable, and for him because well, he'd have sand in them and be uncomfortable as well as look like something out of a dickens novel. On a tangent, I discovered last evening that he is now growing a full beard as well. Lovely, facial hair, to me is the most repulsive thing. I can deal with it on other people's husbands if they are trimmed and tidy, if I don't have to have it poke me in the face if I am kissed and if I don't have to touch it, at all. H knows I hate it, he knew that the last time he grew a beard I was unhappy and when he shaved it off, I was very very happy. The fact that he is growing it again, is like a smack in the face for me and I have spent nearly 24 hours trying to think what I could do that would make him feel the same way and understand....hmmmmm, he finished with one girl because she would wear cherry lip gloss and he said that the very sight of the super shiny lips and the smell of the sickly sweet cherry was more than he could stand. If I bought some and kept kissing him you think he'd tell me he hates it? I bet not. That's the only thing I can think of though.
I cannot simply say " Ewwwww, ugly, look I have put up with the old fart sideburns for months waiting for you to shave the damn things off but this is going too far..." because he is stubborn and that would make him feel obliged to keep them even longer.
I did tell him that the chances of me going out in public with him from now on are slim to none......oh how he laughed at that one.
I have talked myself stupid over the whole issue, told myself that he is glorious and that he is being a super splendid step dad to the girl after years, she is a bit like a little girl about it and keeps asking if HE actually thought of the key for her and if HE bought it and went to get it cut and then she smiles when I tell her that indeed he did and yes he did and YES he really did.
A beard shouldn't be of any importance, should it? No, don't be stupid. Then I look over at him and I see it beginning to 'be there' and ...here we go again with the seething and tutting in my head.
Now, people keep asking me if I am depressed again and I keep saying " no, its the rain and the no money and the endless this and that and the other"
Actually, I am. Depressed. Horribly. But I know why, which makes it less depressing and as soon as my doctor is back from her holiday I shall go and see her and tell her and maybe that will help.
I know what the problem is, the problem is that things are better. Ha! See? Don't tell me I'm not crazy.
The past few days have been very bad for me, actually lets change that to weeks. A good few weeks.
The last week has been the worst. When things are truly terrible, when I am in the midst of horror, I am the most splendid coper in the world. Watch me rock the world....I flatten monsters, beat demons, battle with evil and I win. I am incredible.
Then it gets better, life begins to shine, the sun comes out and it starts.
The shaking and heaving.
Just read from the beginning of this blog and you'll see where we have been with Sophie. Up and down and down even further. I have been holding my breath since she was 5. When she has been good, I hold my breath more because we have always been waiting for it to explode, every time I write or speak about her I wonder how negative I sound, I can hear the voices in my head telling me not to enjoy it because it will hurt more when it goes belly up.
This time is different, from the night she came at 1am and sobbed on the floor and begged me to help her, I knew she meant it. She has done everything I asked her. She has fallen and picked herself backup and tried again. Even when she has appeared to be being a bugger, I could see that it was fear holding her back, I knew I had to love her though it .
Yet again I have been guided every step of the way, every time I had to make her leave I knew it was the only thing to do, every time I fed her and sent he on her way, every night I stayed awake waiting for the phone call or the knock on the door, I knew there was no other choice.
I have been astounded at how I have been able to do it all.
This week, when I saw her come home from her first day at work, I knew it was over. Oh I don't doubt there will be hiccups and I am sure there will be days when I will gladly swing for her...just like a regular mum and a regular teenage daughter. I am not floating on a happy cloud thinking I have cinderella in my dining room.
What is happening now, is what has always happened, after the boys were better, when I knew they would be OK, when Sophie grew out of her epilepsy, when I saw that Dan being gay didn't mean he was doomed to be a sad and lonely misfit, he will never anything but adored and he is, as far as I can tell very happy. Phew.
So, now I am smack bang in the middle of what happens next.
The place where I shake from head to toe, every minute of the day and night, where I wake up holding my breath. Where I go to breathe and gag instead. Where every minute of every day, my head is screaming " Oh...oh dear God, that was horrible, it was SO horrible, please never, ever make me do that again, please don't make me do that because it was HORRIBLE and how did I not scream my way through it? How did I not die or go insane and I must be so hard to have done all that and not fallen apart. What kind of person am I that I can just keep gong through this shit and still function and behave as though everything is alright?
That's where I am now.... fun, isn't it?
Then, I see H's beard and it isn't just a beard it is " LOOK! He knows I hate that and he still does it and it will be months and I will cringe everytime I look at it and I just want everything the way I want it and I want it all to be nice and just let me be happy. Please.
Bloody beard.
It's exhausting being in my head.
It's 10 o'clock on a friday night and Sophie is home. 5 days in a row she has been home by 11, asleep by midnight, up in the morning without being woken up. I think she is on her way and that is such a good thing, the way she and H are with each other is a miraculous thing. All these things I couldn't imagine, ever.... and here they are.
Now my head just has to catch up with my heart. While I wait.....here are some pictures of the normal things I do while my head is away with the fairies.
Hell, I am so good. Who'd have thought?

Hospital pictures to follow. Probably.

It's raining, again. 6 out of 7 days it has rained since the boys got out of school for 6 weeks...little boys have a habit of amusing themselves. What can you do? They are having fun.....it isn't costing anything. I am debating whether to show them how to slide downstairs on a mattress...what do you think?
















They also do this thing where they run as fast as they can towards a wall and then run up it, but those pictures looked really as though we were encouraging self harm!

Who'd have thought so much fun could be had without leaving the house?