Nearly there...

I feel as though I am on the last lap of a very long race.
I hadn't thought of it too deeply until this evening when I wrote a status on Face book about the first one and Sophie's birthday. In 3 weeks she will be 21, an adult, an honest to goodness grown up person. Sophie is and always has been excited about her birthday, she talks about it for weeks before hand, she wants all the bells and whistles and she loves every part of her day.
She was 10 weeks when her dad left and we all know he has been a let down from the very beginning where she is concerned. He has never remembered her birthday and I have always had to remind him when it is and tell him what he should send. 3 years ago he just stopped bothering all together, saying he doesn't see why HE should bother when quite clearly the kids don't think about HIM on HIS birthday. He did, however send Dan and Jordan a good sized cheque on their 21st birthdays. Now, no matter how much we talk about how useless he is, has been and probably always will be, Sophie still holds her breath when it comes to him and any occasion where he ought to prove himself. She wants him to show her she is wrong, she longs for him to show her that he cares....and yet every time, he lets her down, spectacularly more often than not. She puts on a brave face and we hear what an arsehole he is, how she doesn't care etc. etc.
I think I ought to remind him and ask him to do something for her, I know that I can fill in a gap and make sure so she has plenty of birthday treats to make her day splendid. She will actually not be here on her birthday, she is going to Tenerife with her friends where I hope she will have a lovely time. She is already asking if she can celebrate her birthday before she goes away, already beginning to fret about whether it will be OK, whether she will see people care.
I truly hate doing anything that would give the first one any thought at all that we need him for anything. We don't. I just want him to do what a good father would do naturally, without being reminded. He isn't a good father, he is selfish and stupid and I accepted that a long, long time ago....but every now and again I will slip back into that sad state of wishing that just once he would prove us all wrong.
I feel and oh what a great feeling it is, that this, Sophie's birthday, is the very last time he will be expected to stump up, show us what he can do. After this momentous occasion and a 21st birthday IS a big deal, he will be surplus to requirements. She has already spoken about when she gets married and how, because he has never had her to give, he will not be the person to give her away.
I just feel that this is the last time he should be expected to make a gesture, then he can disappear and live his life, as he so often told us he needed to. I am so excited about that, he doesn't feature in our thoughts much at all, only at times like this. I'm not worried about Jordan and Mel's wedding because he will just be there, another guest.
I have always felt guilty that Sophie feels so left out because I couldn't do anything to change it. There are many children who live without a father and are barely affected, Sophie isn't one of those children. She has always yearned for a daddy, she would tell me over and over again what a daddy would do, he would eat dinner at our house and he would hold her hand when they went out and he would choose her first.
I can't find words for the contempt I feel for him and men like him and actually, I don't even try because he isn't worth that much thought or energy.
I can't quite believe that this girl of mine is almost 21. What a trip this has been! I think a huge celebration is in order, the fact that she has made it, though epilepsy and crazy CRAZY childhood, her disturbed and furious adolescence, drug addiction and so much rage and sadness and here she is, about to be all grown up. She is quite delightful, totally uncouth, positively unashamed and unbashful. I think we wouldn't change a thing.

The one I will never send.

Dear first one and all fathers who think that they can walk away from children and still expect all the joy that comes to those who fulfill the greatest calling they will ever be given, this is for you.
I say " dear" but I must state that the dear, in this case, if of the " Oh Dear" kind, not the term of endearment, any feelings off affection for you left with you, for a while I thought that I cared and that I was to blame for your leaving, time and wisdom has shown that the fault lies at your door.
I will take responsibility for your leaving me, I'm a big girl, all is fair in love and war as they say.
What happened next is all yours, you get to keep ALL the blame for the years that have passed since then.
20 years in fact, 20, you'd think that by now, all would be buried in the past, wouldn't you? The thing is, as parents we have such a huge responsibility, once a child has been conceived, carried and then born, all bets are off, you can't THEN decide that perhaps this isn't what you wanted after all, oh you can SAY that, you can even walk the walk, once you have talked the talk, go ahead, life is free and we can all make whatever choices we feel are right for us, what you don't understand, even after all these years, even having been told time and time again, is that there are consequences for every choice we make. Welcome to your consequences.
When your daughter was 10 weeks old, TEN WEEKS old, when your sons were 23 months and one month short of 4 years old, do you remember, when you explained to me that I was so unlovable, so revolting, so stupid that, as much as you wish you could, you simply couldn't stay another day? Do you remember telling me how I had to accept that you had a life to live and I wasn't a part of that anymore and that you were'sorry' but you felt it was important that you be selfish for a while and think about yourself? I remember that. I remember a nearly 4 year old boy watch you take out every single item you owned, I watched him sit in the hallway and when you had gone, I watched him shrug his shoulders and say " Oh, well ....I think that is that then"
Do you remember how I explained to you, over and over again that this tiny baby would be lost to you? I told you repeatedly that this child, would never EVER believe that you were glad she was born, that because she was so new, so brand new, she would always believe that perhaps you left BECAUSE of her? I explained that as she grew she wouldn't know who you were, the word 'dad' to her, wouldn't mean anything more than a word, she wouldn't ever be able to understand what that word meant in regards to you.
Do you remember that I told you that if you walked away from her, she would have no respect for you, no matter how much you would wish she did?
You don't, do you?
I will admit, that for the boys you were as good as you were capable of being, they have affection for you, although they have no respect either, they have watched you their whole lives, being selfish and searching for whatever it is that will make you happy, more women, another child, several houses, more women, new cars, new jobs, many holidays, lots of stuff. They see that you are still looking, still searching and still telling everyone how you deserve to be happy, how you NEED to think of yourself because who else will?
Only a fool would still think, at 48 years old that happiness can be chased down, held onto, found.
Only an idiot has not learned that joy is found accidentally, it comes upon you when least expect it, when you are busy making other people happy. Your children give you joy when you are raising them, while you sit and eat dinner, while you watch them sleep, when you hear them playing and when you see them grasp all the things you are teaching them, they don't stand in front of your face and heap joy upon you simply because you caused their conception, it isn't a fair deal, being a parent, you give them blood, sweat and so many tears and then, when you least expect it, they do something small that makes you heart almost explode, oh the benefits you reap when you stick around to watch them, when you fill them with security and trust.
The joy to be had from being a parent comes so slowly and only as a result of giving your very soul. Part timers don't get the prize, sorry about that...choice you made though and be honest, you were warned. Yes, you were.
Actually, perhaps I was harder that I could have been, way back then, I don't think so, I was pretty sure I knew how you were going to behave after you left and how sad that you didn't prove me wrong.
You have one daughter, just one, she was such a delicious baby, chunky and blond, funny and so clever, wherever we went she enthralled people, she entertained and she was so mad at you.
She spoke at an incredibly early age, she walked at 9 months, she did everything with such vigour, such a zest for life. She refused, from the very beginning to call you daddy, it was impossible to call you daddy when speaking to her, if I said 'daddy' she would say " you mean Kevin, he's Kevin, he isn't daddy, he is Kevin" those same words, every single time. If you called and she answered the phone she would always say "Hello, who is it? Oh, you're not daddy, you are Kevin" and how could I tell her anything different? She always had such a rigid idea of what a daddy was, he ate dinner at home with his children, he held hands with his children and he always treated his children the same. She grew up with you doing these things with her brothers and watching you hold their hands while she ran behind saying "HEY! Hey! Do you know you have ME???" When she was 3, we both gave up, I couldn't watch her be shoved aside while the boys had their one weekend a month with you, coming home and crying because WHY does Kevin not like ME? She was 3.
She stayed with me when the boys went and that suited you, it was easy, 2 little boys who have always been so amenable, so polite and so happy to see you when you came, why would you want a surly little girl with a frown and hard toed shoes. She was a kicker, wasn't she? My goodness, she never was one to take an injustice quietly was she? If you tried to use that high pitched insincere crap with her she'd give you a damn good kick wherever she could reach. That went down well.
She's been kicking and fighting her whole life, she fought epilepsy, she fought me, she fought drugs, she fought H, she fought her own miserable surety that it was HER you left. the only thing she never fought, was you.
That's always amazed me, the fact that this child has spoken her mind wherever she has been, she has made me cringe with her loud mouth and her complete inability to keep her mouth shut, until it comes to you. She can't open her mouth to you, she can't, even as a grown woman, even at 20, when you call and she answers the phone without realising it is you, her motor mouth shuts down. She can just about manage 'yes' and 'no'. She doesn't care enough to argue, she says she knows that you don't listen, you have never listened. She gave up.
You don't deserve anymore than she gives you.
I won't fight your corner, you had the chance to be whatever it is you want to be now. Now she is grown and you hear what an amazing women she is now, when you hear she is funny, when you see she is beautiful, now you have yet another woman in your life, now you want to show HER how beautiful your daughter is, now you want in, you want to lay claim to everything she has become and guess what. Boo to you, too bad, so sad, cry me a river.
When you called today, she spoke to you, in monosyllables, as usual, she handed the phone to me and she went to make herself some lunch.
She came in, sat down and said " Oh, no....look, I sat down and my spoon fell in my soup! Ha!"
and H was siting next to her and said " Uh oh, you need another one? " and he went to get her a clean spoon.
That's the dad thing right there, he has earned the right to be dad, he has earned, through literal blood sweat and tears to have her say things like " I wish he was MY dad" and " Actually, he is a really great dad to those boys" He has been here when she cried, swore, punched him, spat at him threatened him, he has been here through the worst of times and now, well now she calls him H, she has a tentatively special friendship with him and one day, when she is truly happy, when she has a man that loves her best, someone who will choose to be with everything she is, I suspect that the man who has been here will be the one to give her away. You can't do that because she has never been yours to give has she?
He gets to hear that filthy laugh she has, he gets to hear her news as she bursts in the door with her mouth rattling away at a million miles away, he gets all the things you now wish were yours and guess what. that's a great thing.
Welcome to your consequences. I told you so.

See, here's the thing...

You know how sometimes you don't want something, until someone says you can't have it and then you're all "LET ME HAVE THAT!" ? Yes. Every day I have thought of something to write on my blog that I am not writing anymore because I am SO over it. The first day I was really quite happy to not think about blogging and bask in the glorious feeling of not having to try and be entertaining and funny and thought provoking and witty. ( Because I am all those things all the the time on my blog, I AM!)
Then I would see or hear something funny or think of something profound ( heh!) and immediately want to come here and share it, write it down so that I can look back in years to come and remember. Like Elijah at the grand old age of 5 years and 7 months announcing with HUGE pride and such surprise that "Hey!! Guess what! I actually pulled a bogie RIGHT OUT OF MY NOSE!" Like he hadn't a clue where they had been coming from his whole life.
I would think about how I would word it and then remember that I wasn't doing that anymore...darn it.
I am incredibly intolerant of people who announce they are leaving message boards or make a big song and dance about how they won't be doing THIS anymore because they are too important and have a life to live and THIS is all so beneath them now..so they say I AM LEAVING and we all say "Please don't" and they don't reply although we all know they are refreshing every 3 minutes to see who is saying don't go....and then they come back.

Hello! I'm back!

I am having a lovely time being busy. I have weeded and scrubbed, painted and shopped, I have walked and shopped and painted some more. I have planned and breathed in fresh air and I have missed boring the life out of anyone who comes by to see, in painful detail, everything I have done. I admit it, I heart blogging. I do also admit that I don't want to feel I must do it every day though, a happy medium is on the horizon, for heaven's sake why didn't I think of THAT earlier?

I am so excited at the thought of spring being right around the corner. We have had a few days of brighter sunshine, still a little cold but to have sunshine when I wake and bright clear skies, to have been able to be outside and clean the front of the house, weed out the tubs, get things ready for flowers and beautiful things...oh my heart sings! I have even checked out the long term weather forecast to discover promises of a spring so splendid we will soon forget the long and colder that ever winter we have endured. I feel I am coming alive and every day is filled with doing little things to make life more enjoyable. I am beginning to love this house, walking in to the smell of new paint, seeing the changes taking place.....wonderful.

Sophie is flying to Boston on wednesday, I was so looking forward to feeling smug at not having to fly, I was so sure I would be so happy to be staying on solid ground...but here I am every bit as nervous at the idea of her flying alone, I may as well have gone as well! I know she will be fine, Dan is taking her to the airport and will help her do all the confusing check in palaver, then Cathy will be right there to welcome her at the other end, all she has to do is wait for 3 hours in the airport and find the right gate, I know she can do that because she was the one that found where we had to go in December. She is also completely unafraid to ask if she does get lost. The thing is I am so afraid of flying that I am even afraid when one of my children is about to do it, with Dan I never ask what time his flights are so I can't actually sit wondering where he is and if he is on the plane yet, with Sophie I DO know....gah.
I am so excited for her, I am honestly not at all envious, I do love to shop in the states but I don't have the money this time anyway so she is going with a list and enough cash from me to pick up those things we would hate to live without. We shall look forward to her returning and our cupboards being replenished once more with all our favourite things.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall as Cathy sees the changes in my girl, everywhere I go I hear from people how different she is, how happy she looks, how well she seems. I hear every single day from people that have seen her at work and how their day is brightened by her yelling with delight at seeing them, she gets away with leaping up from her cash register to greet friends and family, people smile when she yells halfway down the store as she sees someone she knows. This week she came home from work with a letter from head office, someone had written in and said that Sophie was the most delightful person ever encountered, saying that she had played with the customers children, allowed them to scan some items, had been cheerful and friendly, the general manager praised her and told her she was exactly the kind of person they want working for them.
What a change from this time last year when we couldn't ever imagine a time when she would be happy..when we were even sure that she wouldn't survive much longer.
Life can be so good and when I look at this child of mine, who is so loud and so outrageous, I am so thrilled that she is so happy, that she has beaten such demons. I am so excited for her to have fun in Boston...I am sure we will see pictures and updates every day on face book, she has the flashiest new pink camera from her other mum in Boston, she will take a million pictures while she is away and I will look at every one when she gets home.
This house will be very quiet and empty while she is gone ( which isn't necessarily an awful thing!) She is my friend. At last.

Friendship, the real kind.

Life is pretty good right now. I am ridiculously tired from jet lag again, who knows why it is so hard to get back in time after a measly 5 hour time difference but goodness me it's like running through treacle.
I have been thinking hard since we got back from Boston and trying to write down what happened this time. Last time we all found ourselves stunned by the emotions of having had such a time together. It was different this time in that there were fewer people there, the whole meet-up began as an idea to reward Sophie for her huge steps taken in getting her life in order. I mentioned the possibility of a meet-up, a quieter one and before we knew it it was all on the go and once again the excitement carried us along.
Whilst there, I took more of a back seat ( which is hard for me as I am a dreadful show off when I feel secure and these women make me feel very secure) It was all about Sophie for 6 days...and she soaked it up. Usually, Sophie avoids affection, she pulls away and puts on a hard faced front, she tries to ensure that if people are going to dislike her, she knows why, she gives them reason to hate her. This time, it was like a breath of fresh air to see her absolutely revel in all the positive attention. She wasn't afraid of hugging or expressing love and happiness, she literally skipped, danced, jumped, clapped her hands, she could scarcely stand still the whole time we were there. I knew that she and Cathy would get on, they are so alike and I think maybe she was meant to be Cathy's but took a wrong turn and came out of my body....the fates have ensure that they get to be friends and I am sure that it will always be the case. We joke that Sophie and George will get married and we will then be related, darn it if we can't get George to obey our commands though!
The older I get the more I understand friendship and how great a blessing it is. I have friends that I have known for so many years I can hardly remember when I met them or how they came into my life. Some I see often, others I can see once every blue moon and it doesn't matter, as soon as I see them it is as if it was yesterday we were last together.
The true friends I have all have one thing in common, they help me be me.
I am a lazy person, I don't like to have to try or work at being anything other than me, I like easy.
I watched Julie and Jenn while we were away and their friendship is exactly how I like it. They are completely sure of each other, they allow each other space, one will leave the other to read, nap, shop, the other will relax knowing that all is well. I love that. They can travel for 10 hours in a car and still be friends at the end of it, they can share a room and relax.
One evening in Boston, Sophie, that young whippersnapper, called around while I had a shower and when I came out all in my jama's having taken my medicine it was to discover that Sophie had set up a movie evening, hooray! Julie, Jenn and Rachel were coming to watch a movie. I can't watch movies, I am renowned for settling down to watch a great film and waking up as the credits roll. Ordinarily, the thought of having to try and stay awake while a movie plays would have been a nightmare for me, not this time though, I was completely able to stay in my PJs, curl up on that big comfy bed, with Jenn next to me and snooze and snore my way through that silly movie. Real friends.
Sophie has changed even more since we came home, she said last night that she thinks she will stop drinking, that would be great if it happens, if she cuts right down it would do for me, the fact that she wants to continue changing is fantastic. She saw what I wanted her to see, she commented on the acceptance and real friendships she saw and how they differ from any she has had in her life. She wants the real ones now. She has spent a lot of time with Mel since she came home, she is excited to go back to Boston ( without ME!) she is going to spend time with her surrogate mother and my friend and I can let her go without a single worry ( apart from one that she might talk the ears off whoever has the luck to sit next to her on the plane!) I know that Cathy will look after her and keep her in check, sort of, I hope!
I am beyond excited that Julie is planning a trip to England, that she is bringing her family and at last I can see my boys together with her girls, that I can be the welcoming party and the finder of great places to go. Also I won't have to FLY ANYWHERE!
I am trying to talk Cathy into coming too, her husband Brian is keen to come here and I know Cathy is too...but she is the same about flying as I am and she has Matthew who is 3 and who doesn't like going in cars that don't belong to Cathy, a plane ride is a huge thing to face with a little person ( but people do it every day Cathy..you can do it ..you really CAN!)
I am sure that the next Boston meet up will go ahead without me, I will be sad not to be there but I know that I will still be a part of it, I love having such confidence in the friendships I have, such different women, we all have different lives, similar in some ways, poles apart in others but we all have the same ideals, the same principles the same respect for each other.
I love that Sophie became a part of that, she knows now how uplifting and strengthening friendships can be, I love that she sees that true friendship is not demanding, does not drain you, does not expect to dominate you but only helps you. It encourages you to be the best you can be and just lets you be.
It is like a huge weight off my shoulders to see her learning that she does not need to be anything bu herself, that who she is is enough, endearing, lovable.
I am so grateful to my friends for making her feel wonderful, for seeing what I have longed for Sophie to show and bringing it out...she is stronger and happier than I have ever seen her and she is learning that she is perfect as she is.
Thankyou.

Oh where oh where can he be?

Well, here we are, home all safe and sound. Most of us anyway. H is wandering the streets of London, perhaps with a knapsack on his bag ( folderee) Why is it that the simplest of things are so ridiculously arse over elbow?
Helen and Sophie come home......H catches bus to meet grandpa.....grandpa and H come home. How simple is that?
Not at all simple, it would seem.
Grandpa called and gave us his flight details, hooray! December 10th he will be here, 1.20ish, Terminal 3 ..(oh, OH NO! Terminal THREE! Ack, penny just dropped, will explain more later) OK, so I am about to write how he called and said that grandpa never got off the plane, Jerry Springer did but not grandpa. Hmm...bizarre.
I called around and discovered that grandpa flies on December 10th but guess what? He ARRIVES tomorrow. Bollocks.
So, oh well, get the bus home ( 5 hours) get some sleep and tomorrow we will either drive or he can get the bus back ( 5 hours) and meet his dad.
Right as the bus was due back and I was about to go and meet him, he called to say "hey , you know what? I think I will stay here, in fact I AM still here and will just hang out all night and wait for dad"
His neck is hurting, he has NO money ( well maybe enough for breakfast in the morning) but not a room at a B and B or something.
Of course he called from a payphone because H and phones don't mix, he doesn't answer phones and he doesn't make calls unless it is unavoidable. So when he said he loved me and would call tomorrow and then put the pay phone down, I had a brainwave and called Uncle Barry, he lives 40 mins away and said he would drive to the airport and find H, take him home and return him to the airport again tomorrow....only we couldn't call H to let him know, Barry went to the airport and saw the whole place empty, the restaurants closed, the desks were empty and eventually he managed to have a tannoy message calling H, by this time the place is deserted, no-one to be seen. No H, not a sign of him. In Terminal 5.....FIVE I sent Barry to 5 because H said he had been over there to check it out and was talking about how cool it is ( and I know because I was there, only today! Coincidence, life's hysterical isn't it.
Only as I began to type and 'terminal 3' tripped off the end of my fingers, did I realise that H is waiting at 3 and Barry was at 5...which is very far away from all the other terminals, it is all brand new and posh. All I can say is that I hope the airport hasn't turfed him out into the sub zero night and it stays open all night long.
I am exhausted I could crawl into my bed and sleep for a week but I can't even sit still because I am so worried about H (although less so now because I have a small hope that he is in terminal 3 all oblivious to the fact that he had a bed for the night and a ride in a warm car) Also, he is a grown man, he is not stupid and he CHOSE not to come home to save £32.
I am a tad miffed that it is perfectly acceptable for his wife to get buses and planes on her own but his dad must be escorted to the door...although again, I insist he goes to meet his dad ( not that it ever takes any amount of persuading) So, I am just cross because I am here and he is there ( where?!) and I want to sleep and can't because he might be horribly cold and miserable ( nudges self and says again HE CHOSE to do that!) it is one night, he can stay inside ( oh please!) and tomorrow he will come home to a clean, warm, tidy house. Something I did not do today. All I shall say on that matter is this, if anything happens to me? I am not sure what would happen to the rest of this family. I don't know what HAS been happening but oh my goodness I can see what HASN'T been happening, ( laundry, cleaning, shopping, bathing of children, tidying) I am overwhelmed for today and also reminding myself that I did not clean before I left . The good thing about feeling I am in for a long night is that I was feeling like I could never get any of this work done before grandpa arrived...already, in my state of imagining the very worst ( frozen corpse in back alley of Heathrow airport for starters, you know how it is) I have already done the laundry, dishes, bathed the boys, shopped and stocked the cupboards....amazing what a bit of panic can help you achieve.
The flight home was great, a mere 5 hours and 50 minutes, an hour of that spent sleeping off the miracle of relaxing drugs. Dan got us home from the airport by 9 am...perfect!
I am so happy to be home, I saw Eli in his Christmas play and his little face when he saw me there was priceless. Seth is happy to have me home and Isaac, bless his heart didn't even care that we were in the middle of the playground when he saw me waiting for him, he hugged and and held my hand and was like a little cat, leaning against me and rubbing his face on my arm.
I love my family, I so hope that my husband isn't turning into a human Popsicle as I sit here with heat blasting and comfy jamas on!
I had the best of times again in Boston, even better than last time I think. Such a lovely feeling to be with my friends and to watch how loved that girl of mine was. She was the center of it all, she basked in all the attention, she was a sweet and funny girl, loud as always and although I thought she went a little too far she was the girl I have been waiting to see for so many years.
She felt everything I wanted her to feel, she said what I hoped she would say and I am very hopeful that she has seen just how wonderful life can be when you put your mind to it. She said often that she had never known it was possible for her to be with so many people that were so kind and funny and for them to want her there, she felt so accepted and loved. She was spoiled and treated so beautifully, I took a back seat and watched her grow and love every minute of it.
She is going back, without me to spend time with Cathy ( and maybe George who is completely gorgeous and I think perfectly able to enjoy Sophie without being trampled in the process!) She has something to work for again and is very happy indeed.
We bought back a mountain of goodies, for the first time ever NONE of the bags were overweight, no charges incurred. Talking of being overweight, I am so proud to say that I pretty much stuck with the diet while I was away, I did eat 2 pretzels and shared a started with Cathy 2 nights, I ate salads, lean meat with no potatoes or carbs, I ate fruit and had slimfast for breakfast, I bought small snacks like mixed nuts at the airport....I did well, until today, can you believe it? Sticking with it all that time and then coming home and eating everything I try to avoid...I have eaten more bread today that I have for months. I have been shopping and now have veggies etc to make soup tomorrow. Onward and head up etc etc...... I will be weighed on Tuesday so that'll be interesting. I was miserable to see all the pictures that still show how much more work I have to do, I think I was kidding myself that I had made a huge difference in the months since my last trip to Boston but really, it's hard to see any change at all in the pictures...disheartening but also inspiring, must keep on keeping on!
I will try and write more tomorrow, so much to say but jet lag is kicking my head in and my poor weary brain is too worn out to think or make my fingers work.
I was so going to stay awake and will H warm and safe but these gitlets will be up in 5 hours, ready for another day and cross that daddy and grandpa aren't here! I hope terminal 3 isn't locked for the night and that H has found a comfy chair in a warm spot somewhere, my bed is as warm and comfy as can be, I am off to enjoy it!

And we're off!

We are all packed, tickets at the ready...I am trying so hard not to think too much about the flight, wouldn't you think it would get easier? This is the 3rd flight in the last 12 months, not bad for someone so scared of flying is it? I have told myself this is it though, for a long time I shall invite people to come and see me for a good long while after this one!
I am so excited to be there, see my lovely friends and have some fun.
Sophie is very touching and quite rightly reminds me that this is her first ever holiday. It really is, bless her heart, she's been dragged from pillar to post but never really been anywhere where she is invited and wanted and everything is there for her to enjoy. I know she is going to have the best time. ( and so, I must add, shall I!)
So much to look forward to, from beginning to end we have all kinds of plans, the most exciting is just being there, I am of the mind that every woman should experience at least once, what happens in Boston. It is almost impossible to describe, it is emotionally huge. Much crying, with laughter and also heartfelt emotion. There is complete acceptance, I am such a private person ( one that shares her whole life with the internets it's true but in real life I am private and relatively shy.)
In Boston I can truly say that everyone is completely themselves, no acting a part, no trying to impress, just a group of women that came together through an internet site and somehow became the best of friends.
I love the internet!
Sophie and I have really worked to earn this trip, today as we waited for Eli to come out of school Sophie was begging for Mac Donalds, she was SOOOOOOOO hungry and she just neeeeeeeded fries and food that was right there. It was great to say " Sophie, this is it, this is the last day we have to say NO..this is the last day we have to find what is there and eat it! Tomorrow we can enjoy that feeling of letting go, we can choose where we eat, what we eat, we can shop, buy fripperies, pretty things, gifts, new clothes....it is right there and we are about to grab it.
It is depressing to have weeks and months of no, can't, nuh uh, leave it, put it back, don't even look at it, stop even thinking about it. I have this great trick where I go shopping, I put things in the basket and I walk around and then...I put it all back! It feels like I have been shopping...all without the paying for it at the end! It isn't fun but when the time comes to look at what you did, when you can dig deep and gather in all you have saved...oh that is the sweetest feeling! I can't wait for Sophie to feel that. This is the very first time she has worked and saved ( and oh it has been painful, what a long, long 3 months it has been!) and I am so excited to watch her enjoy what she has worked for. She has everything set out in her spotless room, clothes for tomorrow, makeup and jewellery....the best part is she really doesn't know just how wonderful this will be.
I think I will be taking more heart pictures than camera ones, I so hope I can remember everything, I am not taking my laptop, there is a computer in the lobby at the hotel but I don't think I will be blogging. Hopefully I can remember it all when I get home, also I hope jetlag is kind to me, it knocked me sideways last time, this time I have so much to do when I get home.
Grandpa arrives the same day we return. Then we have 2 weeks until Christmas, I will have all the wrapping, decorating, baking, school plays etc. What fun we shall have, I need to be awake for it all!
So, I am back on the 10th .....Boston, here we come!

Could get confusing!

Writing 2 blogs, that is. If I ever write about what I ate on here you may have to pop on over to
THIS ONE and see what I did all day, I am pretty sure that I will mix them up at some stage.

It's been a great day, my favourite kind, kids doing what they are asked, H took them on a hike while I went out shopping with my lovely friend Jane. Got a great deal on diet cokes, which helps, diet coke and an apple feels like a dessert, lovely.
I am really loving my new relationship with the girlie one.
She was paid today for the first time, a small pay cheque because she was only paid for 2 weeks, she paid me, paid some money off her overdraft, paid H back the money she has borrowed and had some to fritter. She has been working SO many hours, when she is paid next month, she will be laughing, she will have more than enough to do whatever she pleases and pay her bills etc. She is a good girl, always pays back what she owes without a quibble, doesn't complain a bit about paying her board to live here, she knows that if she lived anywhere else, she would get a tiny room for minimum of £80 a week and then have utilities, council tax etc to pay, not to mention food. Here she gets her laundry done, dinner cooked, her favourite foods waiting for her and she feels safe.
I loved shopping today and buying her some things for her room, smelly things, clothes, face wipes. For so long ( way too long) I have had to say no to everything, not do anything that would seem to be rewarding her for the way she behaved, having to think everything through, be 5 steps ahead. I love being able to just 'be' with her, to laugh with her, tell her to shut up and be laughing about it ( she can talk the hind legs off a donkey) watch her play with the boys.
When she comes in with pack of bacon and asks if she can have it for breakfast I can say yes, ( not have to say no and explain that bacon can be used for a meal for everyone and if she wants some she has to somehow contribute to the family....oh how tiring it can be to have to use every single thing as a lesson)
To hand her a few £s to go out because she has been working all week, to tell her to have a good time and know that she will be home when she says she will be.
I am still afraid for her, still lie awake and hold my breath waiting to hear her come in, still shake with fear when she tells me things like she did this morning... she walked home from a friends house at 3am ( yes still the am thing although every 2 weeks instead of every night) and stopped to stroke a dog being walked by an older man ( DING DING DING go the alarm bells) walked on and then saw the man fall to the ground..." was this the right thing to do mum? I went back and asked if he was alright ( DING DING DIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!) and he didn't move so I ran back to my friends house but they wouldn't come and help me so I went" and I stopped listening and started to "OH SOPHIE!!!! Darlin' what you should have done is ..A)not stay out til 3am, stayed at Alis or come home much earlier, B) not ever stop to stroke a dog, being walked by a man at 3am and when you see him fall you RUN AND USE YOUR MOBILE PHONE TO CALL THE POLICE AND LET THEM DEAL WITH IT! That is a prize trick used by perverts and wrong 'uns to snatch girls and children, make out you need help and then GRAB!
She will be the death of me , if it weren't for those angels who follow her...oh I can't even go there.
She has a 'thing' going on with someone at work which is both touching to witness and scary because he is the manager and if it goes on and then stops, what then? She will hate going to work, he may treat her differently....not a good idea but you can't interfere in affairs of the heart as far as 19 year olds are concerned. In the grand scheme of things it is a gloriously normal 19 year old thing to have to worry about, I'll take it and enjoy it for what it is.
Oh..Heh! She was telling me this morning that they had been texting each other and he had said something about 'wooing' her, she laughed and said how she told him that was an old fashioned word and she teased him about it.
I said that if that carries on he will be after courting her.
Fast forward to this evening when she got home.
"hey mum, guess what I was talking to **** about what you said and I told him that you said I should ask him if that meant we would soon be cavorting!"
OMG!
Luckily he led her on for a while and then said " I like the thought of cavorting, good suggestion from your mum...another old fogey word is courting."
"Ha!! THAT's the word my mum used..what did I say before?"
One of the things I love about her is her ability to laugh at herself.
She's out again this evening, Itold her again and again to come right home, we live right by the town I hate that she walks right out fo town, through subways to go to people's homes when she could go out and come straight home.
This mothering malarchy is exhausting, but I suspect I wouldn't change a thing.
I had a moment today when I thought that maybe I should watch what I say more in front of the boys though. Went over the road to my friends car, Seth following, we stood right outside the hellacious neighbours' house and Seth, raising his hand in greeting said " Well HELLO CLAMPETTS!"
Bullseye son, well done.

And then your heart just bursts and spreads glitter and fluffy stuff all over the universe.

As a mother, more often than not, we will feel that we have done it wrong and oh we are making so many mistakes and what should we DOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
Then we do what we do and hope and pray that it will be alright in the end.
To see if it is alright, you know, in the end we have to be patient. And then a bit more patient.
Along the way we will be joyful and heartbroken, terrified and reassured. One emotion after the other.
I am riding on a high at the moment, still a little tentatively but with each passing day with more confidence.
The most splendid and heart warming part of watching Sophie at the moment is the way she and H are interacting with each other. Any interaction at all between these two is nothing short of miraculous but every day I am seeing such sweet and gentle moments.
Sophie has a card that she can charge and use in the works cafeteria, I have given her some money but as it is tight around here ( what's new?) I suggest that she take lunch and when she gets paid she can charge the card. The other morning I told her that I didn't have any money and she was fine with that, as she walked past H to go to work, without saying anything he handed her some money, he asks her about work and is genuinely interested, all these things lift her spirits and make her stronger.
She started work this morning at 8.30 and got home at 7.30 this evening having done a couple of hours overtime. She ate her dinner and then said
"Hey! I don't have to go to work tomorrow, you guys don't have school..how about we have a sleepover in MY room?"
Those little boys just about peed themselves, Isaac was heard to say "Oh this will be the best day of my whole life!"
Eli told her that he loved her.
They made beds on the floor ( where Sophie sleeps anyway for now, she hasn't slept in a bed for 18 months, I can't wait to get one in there for her!)
They chose DVDs they made popcorn drinks, got breakfast bars and we haven't seen them since 8pm.
H and I had a glorious quiet evening and even managed to curl up on the sofa together.
Dan is coming tonight for 2 days, can you hear my mummy heart sing? Watch out for the fluffy stuff and glitter because I think it could burst any minute.


( she needs a dresser too, that pile of clothes is where her clothes live right now, on the floor with her pillows!)

Well yes, actually, I WAS ready for that!

The sun that is....a whole day of it, the sun most definitely had it's hat on, hip hip hip hooray.
H and I cleaned the house from top to bottom.
Here's the thing, I walk around this house and I mutter and kick things out of the way, I tread over basketballs ( currently 7 on the kitchen floor) I swear at duplo that no-one ever seems to play with yet, there it is, always on the floor.
I see clean laundry waiting to be ironed, clean ironed laundry, waiting to be put away, dirty waiting to be washed, clean waiting to be dried.
Everywhere is a bloody great mess. Every now and then ( yet not as often as I would like) H and I have a day where it is just unbearable and we 'set to' It has never yet taken more than 2 hours to do the whole house, including scrubbing and polishing. Why then don't we just do it more often? Why, because without fail, as soon as we do it, it gets undone. Faster than it got done.
Today though we cleaned it and then, because I am so clever and was one step ahead of the gits....I took them out. Not only did I take them out but we picked up the splendid 11 year old Billy, who even though he is 11 and completely grown up, likes coming out with us and Seth, Isaac and Eli think he is just about the coolest and most fun person to be with. Crafty me, this always means that everyone has fun..including ME because I get to read a magazine in a deck chair while 4 boys play and entertain themselves.
H doesn't do beaches.....funny for a Californian I know but there we are, I suspect that he'd get sand in his sideburns and that would be that, misery for all, for me because the bloody sideburns make me miserable, and for him because well, he'd have sand in them and be uncomfortable as well as look like something out of a dickens novel. On a tangent, I discovered last evening that he is now growing a full beard as well. Lovely, facial hair, to me is the most repulsive thing. I can deal with it on other people's husbands if they are trimmed and tidy, if I don't have to have it poke me in the face if I am kissed and if I don't have to touch it, at all. H knows I hate it, he knew that the last time he grew a beard I was unhappy and when he shaved it off, I was very very happy. The fact that he is growing it again, is like a smack in the face for me and I have spent nearly 24 hours trying to think what I could do that would make him feel the same way and understand....hmmmmm, he finished with one girl because she would wear cherry lip gloss and he said that the very sight of the super shiny lips and the smell of the sickly sweet cherry was more than he could stand. If I bought some and kept kissing him you think he'd tell me he hates it? I bet not. That's the only thing I can think of though.
I cannot simply say " Ewwwww, ugly, look I have put up with the old fart sideburns for months waiting for you to shave the damn things off but this is going too far..." because he is stubborn and that would make him feel obliged to keep them even longer.
I did tell him that the chances of me going out in public with him from now on are slim to none......oh how he laughed at that one.
I have talked myself stupid over the whole issue, told myself that he is glorious and that he is being a super splendid step dad to the girl after years, she is a bit like a little girl about it and keeps asking if HE actually thought of the key for her and if HE bought it and went to get it cut and then she smiles when I tell her that indeed he did and yes he did and YES he really did.
A beard shouldn't be of any importance, should it? No, don't be stupid. Then I look over at him and I see it beginning to 'be there' and ...here we go again with the seething and tutting in my head.
Now, people keep asking me if I am depressed again and I keep saying " no, its the rain and the no money and the endless this and that and the other"
Actually, I am. Depressed. Horribly. But I know why, which makes it less depressing and as soon as my doctor is back from her holiday I shall go and see her and tell her and maybe that will help.
I know what the problem is, the problem is that things are better. Ha! See? Don't tell me I'm not crazy.
The past few days have been very bad for me, actually lets change that to weeks. A good few weeks.
The last week has been the worst. When things are truly terrible, when I am in the midst of horror, I am the most splendid coper in the world. Watch me rock the world....I flatten monsters, beat demons, battle with evil and I win. I am incredible.
Then it gets better, life begins to shine, the sun comes out and it starts.
The shaking and heaving.
Just read from the beginning of this blog and you'll see where we have been with Sophie. Up and down and down even further. I have been holding my breath since she was 5. When she has been good, I hold my breath more because we have always been waiting for it to explode, every time I write or speak about her I wonder how negative I sound, I can hear the voices in my head telling me not to enjoy it because it will hurt more when it goes belly up.
This time is different, from the night she came at 1am and sobbed on the floor and begged me to help her, I knew she meant it. She has done everything I asked her. She has fallen and picked herself backup and tried again. Even when she has appeared to be being a bugger, I could see that it was fear holding her back, I knew I had to love her though it .
Yet again I have been guided every step of the way, every time I had to make her leave I knew it was the only thing to do, every time I fed her and sent he on her way, every night I stayed awake waiting for the phone call or the knock on the door, I knew there was no other choice.
I have been astounded at how I have been able to do it all.
This week, when I saw her come home from her first day at work, I knew it was over. Oh I don't doubt there will be hiccups and I am sure there will be days when I will gladly swing for her...just like a regular mum and a regular teenage daughter. I am not floating on a happy cloud thinking I have cinderella in my dining room.
What is happening now, is what has always happened, after the boys were better, when I knew they would be OK, when Sophie grew out of her epilepsy, when I saw that Dan being gay didn't mean he was doomed to be a sad and lonely misfit, he will never anything but adored and he is, as far as I can tell very happy. Phew.
So, now I am smack bang in the middle of what happens next.
The place where I shake from head to toe, every minute of the day and night, where I wake up holding my breath. Where I go to breathe and gag instead. Where every minute of every day, my head is screaming " Oh...oh dear God, that was horrible, it was SO horrible, please never, ever make me do that again, please don't make me do that because it was HORRIBLE and how did I not scream my way through it? How did I not die or go insane and I must be so hard to have done all that and not fallen apart. What kind of person am I that I can just keep gong through this shit and still function and behave as though everything is alright?
That's where I am now.... fun, isn't it?
Then, I see H's beard and it isn't just a beard it is " LOOK! He knows I hate that and he still does it and it will be months and I will cringe everytime I look at it and I just want everything the way I want it and I want it all to be nice and just let me be happy. Please.
Bloody beard.
It's exhausting being in my head.
It's 10 o'clock on a friday night and Sophie is home. 5 days in a row she has been home by 11, asleep by midnight, up in the morning without being woken up. I think she is on her way and that is such a good thing, the way she and H are with each other is a miraculous thing. All these things I couldn't imagine, ever.... and here they are.
Now my head just has to catch up with my heart. While I wait.....here are some pictures of the normal things I do while my head is away with the fairies.
Hell, I am so good. Who'd have thought?

The best laid plans ( ahem this is post 1000!)

I was saving this momentous post for the announcement and introduction of my grandchild, however he likes it where he is, Mel has changed her mind and given up, decided that she is probably a snake really and the baby has just reabsorbed himself and will never come out.
We have relexologied until my hands are like silken gloves with an aroma clary sage. We have made eggplant Parmesan ( I say 'we' but I mean me) we have, actually they have walked and walked and cleaned and walked. I cannot say if they have tried to get him out the same why they got him in and although it was suggested that me I suggest to them nipple stimulation, well some things just should not be spoken about between a woman and her son's girlfriend. Forgive me for that.
Jordan did ask if I was going to suggest I do a Cesarean section for them next because I have been kind enough to suggest such helpful plans, well, watch me mind my own business then, show them who's perfectly capable of minding her own business, I am not one to interfere. ( Much) If he makes any other comments like that I might well suggest nipple stimulation, that'll teach him!
So then, no baby. I would be getting very frustrated if it weren't for the fact that I am not carrying the child, not me that has that terrible feeling of impending rupture, the one that makes you feel not as though the bottom is falling out of your world but rather that the world is falling out of your bottom. That's the feeling that will make you pick up a heavy implement and throw it at your beloveds head when he says something like " look, if he doesn't come for another week...what's the harm? " THWAK..that's the harm buddy, could find yourself in a whole lot of discomfort yourself is what the harm is.
So, because I start to get jittery and twitch when I don't write my blog, tardy grandboy will have to make do with post 1000+ whatever and I best not hear a word of complaint about it.
( You watch, he'll get born tonight now just to be contrary, wait and see!)
I shall tell you some marvellous news though, Sophie has a job, a FULL TIME JOB, Jordan was stuck one evening and so he called Sophie and had her come in and work in the kitchen with him..he was gobsmackingly amazed to discover she was brilliant, he sang her praises which in itself is amazing. Yesterday we went for lunch at the restaurant and Jordan's boss said "So, you coming in tonight lady?" and so she did, this time working at the front of the restaurant where actual people were. At 10 pm Jordan called and said that "Sophie is AWESOME! Mum I can't believe it, she is fast, polite and is leaving the others behind, she is really, REALLY good." ( skippedy doodah, yippe aye ay) Anyway.....after last evening she was offered a full time job and started today.
This is SO huge, not only does it mean that she will now have the money to find a place to live, but also she will be working most every friday and saturday evening, meaning she can't go to the pubs and clubs. Also already, just 2 days in, I am hearing things like " when I see her like this I really want to help her, who minds helping her out when you see her helping herself?" and she has been so sweet, she will get paid weekly but gets her tips every evening which is great because that means that whatever happens she will have a small amount of cash each day, she came home this afternoon and asked Mel if there was anything she needed, she also told me that she has some money and that if I needed anything she would help out.
Small steps that mean so much, already her self esteem is lifting, as she sticks with it and pays off the money she owes, when we find her a place that she can call her own she will gain such a sense of self, I wish I could really soak up this feeling of hope, but too many times we have been let down and she falls at the first hurdle. This time is different in that she has beaten the drugs, we are right here to cheer her on and nudge her forward and she has chosen this for herself. We haven't done it for her, we haven't picked her up and set her down while telling her what to do.
I just pray that these things make the difference, that she is old enough now to see what good is doing and grasp it. What more can we do?

24 days until I set off for my trip to Boston, so much to look forward to, so much to be happy about and guess what? I am absolutely enjoying it all and making the most of every minute..now where in the name of all that's Nana-fied is that grandbaby???

Yes, I swear, sometimes quite a lot.

I am pondering this whole parenting gig. As I so often do.
As a single woman, in my innocence and naivity, I would dream of the day I would have children, of precious smiling infants and amusing toddler, of first days of school and christmasses with Santa and happy secrets.
I think, now I know, I have changed my mind.
For one thing, how come teenagers never crept into my dreams, not once did I think of having a teenage child, ever.
I certainly didn't think of having a problem one, of any description, because I was absolutely going to be the perfect mother, I would have model children and would be the epitome of patience and calm.
I would always be in control and be a listener, be understanding and so involved that MY children would never need to rebel or wreak havoc, no need to push any boundaries, so safe they would be in the knowledge that they were loved and understood.
Well Bollocks to that, I changed my mind. I understand that it is too LATE to change my mind and should those damned blog / mind/ spoken out loud reading/ hearing gremlin type wish granters be reading this, go to hell, it's too late, if you take my kids from me now you won't be granting a wish, you'll be wiping me out, go read someone else's blog and grant their wish, leave me alone.
I get way too many wishes granted by those buggers, I only have to whisper " Argh how I would hate to have chin hairs like THAT woman" VOILA....as if by magic, bristly beard.
"Ewwww, imagine having baggy skin like that!" FLOP. wobble, all mine.
I can scream to the sky about wanting a mansion and a new car...deaf as a bloody post then, oh yes.....so I am not saying 'take my children from me I don't want them.' I am just saying, well what I am saying is this.
I didn't know about this part of being a mother. We all left home really young and got on with life, made mistakes and I am certain we whine to our mum, I know we tell her stuff ( less now than before though) but dear Lord, we left home.
More and more I find that I thrive on the odd phone call from my older boys, the 2 minute HELLO...all is well kind. Jordan needed our help a month or so ago and how wonderful ( when I typed that it came out as wonderfuk, which...GREAT WORD!!) that to be able to help him and see that he was OK.
Dan never asks for anything, he just tells us what he wants us to know and is cheery and bright and that, my friends is the motherhood I like, that's what I signed up for.
Sophie is 19, she is homeless again and she could give a monkey's nipple. Seriously,
" Sophie, where will you sleep tonight?"
"Don't know, what top should I wear to meet my friends?"
"Sophie, what are you going to do?"
"Don't know, am meeting Naomi, see you later"
She turns up here at 7/8am in the morning, not a word about where she has been, is happy and perfectly fine and she sleeps until she is ready to not sleep and hoorah life is so grand for her.
I was making phone calls, and crying and worrying, was trying this avenue and that one, was heaving and doubled up in the most terrible stomach pain, unable to eat and what to do what to DO?????
What I am doing now..is absolutely nothing. Nothing.
It would seem that I have been less tough than I thought. Obviously not tough enough, doing too much, helping her much. She has no idea AT ALL that I have stopped helping her. I am waiting until she wonders where her money is, what is happening next, when she can have her medicine....when she asks me what I have done, THEN I tell her nothing. Nothing.
Then the fun will start then I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN..with the "but it's your life, this is YOUR problem, this is what YOU can / should/ need to do.
That's the bit I have changed my mind on, I somehow imagined that by 19 she would be somewhere else ( a long away away please) calling me when she has news. I thought she would have learned SOMETHING by now and she has, she is NOT taking drugs or drinking to excess or even smoking and if I find out she is, well I can't even say what I will do then because I am at the end of the extension on my tether.
I see the sunshine and I know how much I would be loving it if only.....
I think about all the great things about to happen and would be excited if only......
I am so angry that ONE child can do this and be so bloody oblivious. Or is she?
In speaking with the mother of her friend, the owner of the house where she has been staying ( And is not allowed to go back to) I discover that the daughter ( Sophie's friend) has been saying, word for word, what Sophie has been saying to me, playing the same cards, using the same tools of destruction. Playing the same game. Yes, GAME.
They may not be doing this intentionally, Sophie may not realise that she is playing me, I think she gains happiness from seeing that I care, which is good, to deliberately make me sick and cry to gain that security...not good. Even to see that her actions have led to this and be even a tiny bit pleased, not good.
I am incredibly good at appearing OK. I even convince myself that I am fine....but my body lets me down, stupid stomach hurts, skin does it's ugly thing.....poor body screams whichever way it can to MAKE IT STOP! Oh if only.
I am not pretending right now, I am happy at happy things ( sunshine, nearly grandbaby, upcoming trip) and I am sad about sad things ( same old, same old) I see good, I feel bad. Life, pretty much.
I feel on the outside wishing I was in. I just want to enjoy these little boys and my husband, what I am actually doing is dodging the bullets, watching Sophie like a hawk, keeping her as distanced from H as I can, H is being patient beyond what I thought were his capabilities with this girl, he is saying nothing, even being polite and kind to her ( for me, I pretty much know that is for me) when she teases the boys, I step in, when she is here and I go upstairs I hold my breath and listen to see if she pushes the buttons while I am out of sight ( so far, no) when I am here she doesn't hold back, she teases and annoys, argues and pushes. I am so tired of it.
Nobody should feel they are on a tightrope in their own home and I am so angry, so resentful that it could end in tears.
That she can swan around without a care in the world fuels that rage.
I tell myself that she doesn't even know what she is doing, that stops me punching her in the face.
I tell myself that this too shall pass ( which stops me punching myself in the face)
I tell myself that drinking is not an option because if ever a bottle or 5 of something to bring on oblivion was appealing, that'd be right now.
I tell myself that one day we will look back and " Oh...ha ha do you remember when?"
And then I punch myself in the face because was I completely INSANE to have another 3 that will be teenager right when Sophie is an adult and not here ( which is as good as the imagining gets) I am holding out for a lovely dose of senility right about 56, I shall sit in an inco pad lined chair and laugh at the patterns on the wallpaper. I shall be fed out of a spouted cup and not even be able to tell the sweet care home nurses that I don't drink tea and shall gum on a slice of bread and butter and hope in my befuddled mind that one of my children will visit and bring me some chocolate. Just my luck that it'll be Sophie who visits every wednesday afternoon and she will tell me every bit of her life in such detail that I shall dribble and whimper until she has gone, and in my head I shall be screaming. Pretty much the way I am right now.

And sometimes, she is so glorious I could eat her!

So, Sophie my drug free daughter, who no longer drinks, smokes or even bites her nails. Always stunning in figure, always eaten whatever she she likes ( pizza, chips, cheese strings) and always stayed so slim and slyph like, well without a cigarette in her mouth, or a glass to her lips, of high or crashed from drugs, she has a mouth and hands that are free to do so many other things, like eat. A lot. Without the crazed hyper nonsense of stimulants, the walk from one place to another is sooooooooo far, she gets a ride, or a bus or stays home.
Today, as requested, she burst into our house just at lunch time.
" Oh! Hell!" Foof, puff, wheeze " That bloody hill is going to kill me, I am OBESE...I am really a fat knacker and these damn jeans are so TIGHT!"
Flop, puff, sigh of relief and zip is undone and more belly that I have ever seen on her explodes from within those jeans. "Look at that! I mean LOOK AT THAT!" .......
"Mmmmmsomething smells nice..THAT smells nice! " ( pointing at H's lunch, a hamburger patty/ beefburger to us English folk)
"Sophie, the boys had pizza, Isaac didn't want his, it's in the Kitchen you can eat that if you like"
Minutes later she came in with a fat hamburger, with cheese, in a fluffy roll.
" Did you heat that up out of the fridge?"
"Yeah"
"Did you eat Isaac's pizza?"
"Yeah"
She stood with her jeans undone and her belly out, boobs that have always been full, now straining at the seams......and then she said
" But, I am NOT fat, I am just really voluptuous!"
And then she told the boys that she needed their help and took them 2 miles to a park , rode bikes, played basketball, went on hike, walked them home. Very good. Which gave her an appetite.....off we go again!
She is, as each day passes, more splendid than I could ever imagine.

Self- aggrandizing at its best.

Sometimes, as a mother there is nothing to do but just say it as it is. I could dress it down and take a shot at acting like it's not a big deal but it is IS a big deal so I am going to just brag it.
Sophie, the girl child has now been off drugs of all kinds for just over a month. She has even stopped smoking and that is such a huge deal. I love that she tells me how different she feels and also, when I asked her if she thought that now she acknowledges this, will it be easier not to go back and start all over again, she said No. I like that. She says she feels good, she likes the way she looks now but she still craves it. To have given up cigarettes as well is what has made me feel so proud of her. She still wants drugs and drink, she thinks of it often, especially when stressed and angry.
This is so early on in a good time for Sophie and we have been in similar places before, the difference this time is that she has learned so much. She is still Sophie, still loud and over the top, she still manages to make me cringe when we are in public, because bless her enormous mouth, she turns head with that fog horn of a gob!
I know that we have a long way to go, I know that every choice belongs to Sophie, I will have to stay in the background and keep holding my breath, praying and crossing fingers. On friday she has her first appointment with mental health, I hope it is a good one, not one where she sits and says all the right things with that sweet smile and the slightly shy tilt of the head.
I am excited to look at the future and imagine her being happy in it.
I can see ( if I let myself) that she will have a life with responsibilities and be able to get through it, that she can learn and deal. That's all I ask of her.
She is listening to what others have to say and although she doesn't like many of the things she has to do, she is doing them. Big steps.
Then we have that littlest one.
I maybe don't give him the kudos the others get, they are just mini Hs with their photographic memories and then my littlest one, he is just gloriously regular, he is 4, he does 4 year old things. He painted the bathroom with my make up yesterday, he does naughty stuff.
Then, today I found him with my laptop open, so sad because " It won't work and I tarnt find it and no-body won't help me and I duss tarnt do it!"
When I looked at what he was doing, he had typed 'highsolmymosicolgems' in the search engine, he is 4...high school musical games! Then I found a picture of a stick with a fat head and underneath was written BASITBOL ( basketball) He's not a dipstick, I do believe he got some of those smart genes after all, as well as a big old pile of bloody scrumptiousness.
Yeah, it's my family and I'll brag if I want to.

Done spell checking.

I think, this evening, Sophie may have begun her trip to betterland. I think she may have begun to grow up.
It was a horrible thing.
She has been in a sad place and it has been a difficult thing to see ( and I suspect a terrible place to be) Withdrawing from Cocaine and who knows what else, she has been lower than I have ever seen her. I have seen her high and I have seen her mad but rarely do we see Sophie sad...really sad and admitting to it. She has been working in a pub, not a nice pub, or a family pub, this is one that the rough lot go to. Mention this pub and people roll their eyes, unless they like that kind of place. This place caters to people who might feel out of place somewhere genteel or um, nice.
Anyway, she loved it there.....until recently ( when she stopped using drugs) last week when she was in the midst of a wailing moment she said how she doesn't even like her job anymore and she used to love her job and now she isn't happy there and she hates that job and nothing makes her happy anymore and ......so she didn't like it there anymore.
When she got to work this evening, they fired her. They told her that they loved her but they simply can't have her working there, until she 'gets her head sorted out'.
She had been for dinner, Jordan and Mel were here, Seth had his school play again tonight, is I dropped them at the school, popped over to mums and was enjoying a chat when I jumped up and said " Gotta go...gotta go" and left...drove home and walked in on a little bit of hell. She was on top form and because I wasn't here, Jordan was getting it. Bless his heart he has no clue what he is supposed to do and also, there is no right thing to do because when Sophie is crazy, she can't hear what you're saying and she can't understand what you mean, she just yells, and yells and screams and she swears. Really swears.
I tried to calm her and I tried to speak to her but she was too far into this ranting fest.
Nothing we said made sense, nothing is good enough, nobody loves her, nobody ever gives a shit, what the hell, forget it she should just kill herself because she can't stand this in her head anymore, she will never feel better, nothing will ever be right. She has no home, no money, no phone, no job...what will she do without a job ( that paid her £20 a night, twice a week, really good job that one)
She is so low that she can't see things can get better, she is so lacking in confidence that she will never get a job, never have a home..there is no point, her head hurts, she wants out.
Whenever I have been in a situation that baffles me, when I simply do not know what I am supposed to do, somehow I do what is the right thing....but it rarely seems like the right thing at the time.
She was yelling and swearing and every time I tried to tell her what we would do....she swore at me and shot the suggestion down before I had even had a chance to finish suggesting it. What she wants is for me to say
"Here, Sophie. Take this and it will all be better. She thinks if I hand her money and do everything for her, it would be alright then."
I told her ( or tried to tell her) that tomorrow we would go and .....
"Just shut the hell up, you don't care, you just want me the f*** out of here and then you'd be happy.....don't even try to pretend that you....."
That's when the fairies took over and for the first time I either didn't think, didn't have it in me to hear anymore or...well who knows, I opened my mouth and said " Then fuck off out of here, just get out"
Oh my life.
I whine about Sophie and I complain and get frustrated but my every waking moment is spent worrying whether I have said or done, or not said or done something that will tip her over the edge, she makes me crazy but she is unstable and it's hard to tell when she might crack.
This evening I just snapped and gave her a taste of her own medicine.
She left and I felt sure that she would go and get some drugs from somewhere....I called the after hours Dr and asked what I should do if she came back. They said to take her to the ER and hand her to the on call psyche, get her admitted. As I was talking to him, she walked in and said " I've calmed down, what did you want to tell me?" That is a first. She is learning.
I think she needed to see that there has to be a limit, who knows. The unimaginable worked, I called her bluff without thinking and it was just what she needed.
We went to the hospital because she wants help. She didn't get it.....from them, but I think she and I made enormous progress. I had to keep her 'entertained' at the hospital because she got bored ( Fucking bored if you must know because Sophie never gets just bored and when she gets fucking bored she does it loudly, thankyouverymuch)
She started to talk about the boys and cute kids and I said that I didn't think it was possible to get more beautiful than Isaac.
"So he's your favourite"
"no, I don't have a favourite, but as far as looks go, Isaac's face is perfect, I don't like his face more than anybody else's but physically there isn't a thing that could be improved."
"You do so have a favourite"
"No, I don't. I have 6 children and I love them all the same amount in different ways. I have children who are easier to get along with, Isaac is easy for me, Jordan has always been easy for me. H has no difficulties at all getting along with Seth and everybody adores Eli because, lets face it, what's not to adore, he is just the easiest going little flossie in the world."
She listened to that and actually heard what I said...she has long accused me of loving the boys more than her, she has never given me a chance to explain why she would think that.
She heard me say a lot of things while we waited at the hospital and when the most patronising and sloppy doctor came to talk to her and eventually said " well, I don't think there is a thing wrong with you, get a job, find a nice boyfriend and you'll be fine, I can try and find a psychiatrist for you but he won't be able to do anything because you're not sick"
Well then he didn't try to call a psychiatrist and after an hour I found him and told him that I thought it best of I took her home and called the mental health team tomorrow.
I am going to do several things tomorrow but first I have to go to sleep.
I may, or may not write details of this horrendous evening tomorrow.
I had my first real dislike of the health service this evening and that stung.
I am weary beyond words and dread all that is to follow after this experience.
If I were to look at the bright side ( and I am so bloody sick of looking at the bright side, life stinks sometimes and this is one of those times, let me wallow) I would say that I think Sophie may have hit her low, and by the time I dropped her at the place she is staying, she had a glimmer of an idea that she will be fine. That things can and will get better, even if it's slowly.
I don't think any mother should ever be in a situation where she is waiting to hand her child over to the straight jacket brigade. I wonder if I will ever look back on this and laugh. I did manage a smirk or two in that awful place but I think that may have been hysteria rather than humour.
My eyes are blurring over and my brain is a furry furball of hopeless fur. Must be time for bed. Glad I have spell check, all done, am going to bed.

Nineteen.

Today was Sophie's nineteenth birthday, the day was lovely enough that I was able to forget, for most of the day, that it is two years today that my dad died.
There, how's that for a short and to the point post?
This day, forever the day Sophie was born and my dad died. I've taken so long to write this that it's now tomorrow anyway so ha.....null and void anyway isn't it?
Sophie was sweet today, her unpredictability is the only thing that is predictable. She is very vocal about the fact that whatever we do for her her, her birthday is crap, no-one ever cares, crap crap crap. This year, loathe to disappoint her, I didn't do anything but make her a card, help the boys to make her cards and bake a cake. I picked her up at 10.30 this morning and we went to Teignmouth, where we trawled second hand shops for anything that will make her look like a greek Goddess for a fancy dress party. She had a blast, I spent £20 and then we had lunch, she had the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. Typical and rather surprisingly splendid.

Oh bloggin' hell.

Does that sound like swearing? It does, how marvellous because I feel like swearing with this blog lately, I sit and type and feeling satisfied with my post I hit 'publish post' and then every bloggin' time, this stupid internet goes pratty on me, we have super super broadband, supposedly, trouble is, with broadband you have to share it, the speed yesterday was something spectacularly cruddy like 45 something or other....should be 8000. Yes, we are officially slower than dial up but paying many times more.
The price for being in a town, with a gazillion other people who think they have important things to do online, they don't of course, nothing anyone wants to do is anywhere near as important as my blogging, looking up air fares to places in Canada and the US because I want to fly away and meet people I have never met and have some excitement and FUN ( canada in March is very cheap by the way, Florida in June? forget it.)
The wonderful thing about insomnia is that hoorah! Lines are free and I can actually check emails in less than 39 minutes, can look at blogs with pictures and even reply on message boards without losing the will to live.
I wrote the best ever blog yesterday, it was long and full of interesting facts, like H having a heart attack at dinner time, really I thought he did. He went grey, sweating, couldn't swallow or talk and the weirdest and most terrifying noise, like gurgling and gulping. I was the epitome of unfussy because that would have ensure his heart would explode, so I told him to sit quietly and asked in a round about way where I would find his heart spray should we need it, not that we do need it and does it hurt like when you had your heart attack and argh you look sort of sick and should I call someone, ambulance or Julie to sit with boys or an ambulance?
He was sort of OK within an hour or 3, with me not taking his pulse or checking that he was breathing. HE has a horrible cold and is clammy and stuffed up, but he is breathing and not grey anymore.
He is just such an private man, he hates fuss and he won't use 5 words if a grunt or nod will do.
We are not a smoochy couple, none of that gazing into each others eyes and proclaiming undying love, but I adore him and have no doubts that he thinks I am quite nice too.
I am so dependant on him for so much, I vowed I would never do that, didn't do it with the first one, don't feel like I rely on H really, but I do.
I need him purely because he makes me feel safe, not in a macho I'll get 'em for you way, but just because he is so incredibly calm always.
I am prone to run around with my fingers in my ears when stuff happens, kids fall over and there is blood and breath holding, I want to run for the hills, I do that useless sort of ARGH...HELP...UM......GET UP! ( very helpful, child falls down, is bleeding and wailing and on the floor, like yelling 'get up' will help!) I will pick up bleeding child and run around doing nothing but hyperventilate. H appears unruffled and just 'does,' This is why he has had a heart attack and I haven't I think.
He keeps the outside clear and calm and his heart is kabooming and squeezing the life out of itself.
I need him because when I ( not that I do anymore because I believe him now) whine and say that I hate myself and look, how ugly am I, blah blah, he never tries to say the right thing, he only ever says " I have no idea what you are saying"
He likes what he likes and there are no surprises, we can sit in the same room without saying a word all evening and it doesn't matter.
I lie in bed and listen to his snoring and I love it, not sawing logs, just a glorious gentle snore.
I look at him and my stomach flips, I love that on sunday, whether we go to church or not, he wears smart clothes and a white shirt because he wants to remember that it is sunday and he says wearing his dress trousers and shirt reminds him that he should behave with reverence, which he does always anyway. He is the most respectful man I have ever known and is a gentleman ( in the true sense of the word) I can't imagine life without him and if he weren't here the boys' lives would be so much poorer. My life would be emptier.
Being ill has made me see just how much I rely on him, more and more of late. When I came back from the doctors and saw the bed turned back, bedside light on and curtains drawn and knew that he was saying I could just go to bed, that meant the world to me. When we get back from church on sundays he keeps the boys entertained while I sleep, how pathetic that 3 hours at church, 1 hour of teaching 4 x 3 year olds wipes me out, every sunday I am more itchy and covered in welts than any other day, so I come home and sleep, for 3 hours usually. Never a word, never a sigh or a question, it just is the way it is.
He can be exasperating at times but I don't notice so much anymore, he doesn't do what is expected, which can be annoying at times but he is who he is and for me, that's just right. I felt real fear yesterday when I thought he was having another heart attack and his snoring last night was particularly comforting to me.
So I wrote this whole post last night and after 15 minutes of waiting for it to post...it didn't, it was lost forever, bloggin hell and blogger it.
Dan called yesterday to say that he has been offered the managers job at a restaurant owned by Jordan's boss, it is 4 miles away and would be wonderful for him, he is waiting to hear from the boss. who is going to visit Dan at the Hotel he works at now, then he will decide if he will come and work down here or try for the R.A.F.
He also said that he has booked 2 nights away for H and I, great tickets to see the Lion King at the west end and first class tickets on the train. It would be such a treat but I will wait until we see the tickets before I get too excited! Dan said he will stay here and look after the boys while we are away, H and I have never had a night on our own, ever.
The night we got married we stayed at our condo with 3 teenagers and a very cross Sophie, Seth was conceived that night and well, the rest is history, 3 babies in 3 years, 10 moves in 8 years.....we've had our heads down and noses to the grind stone ever since, it is only this past year that we can begin to lift our eyes and look around, take a breath and begin to enjoy each other and the boys.
Maddening that I am so pathetic and weary lately.
I really long to know what is causing this illness, today I have had an enormous flare up, my feet are swollen and painful, itching fit to make me insane, my neck and head itch, my eyes are still sore. Nothing is different, no extra stress.....what is making this happen?
I wish I could make myself go on some macrobiotic diet, or some kind of drastic health kick that would help but until we have some idea what is causing it, is there any point?
On march the 12th I have the tribunal for incapacity benefit, I have to travel and see a whole panel of strangers who will decide once and for all if I am faking it, if I am truly ill or just making it all up to get benefits.
I have a whole wad of paperwork all about me, written by someone who doesn't know me, a couple of pages written by my doctor and a page written by me.
I have no idea what I will be asked or what they expect, I imagine they will tick boxes and decide which box I fit into.
My life isn't such that it fits into any normal category is it? I don't know what I could do or say to explain how my life is and what I feel, I imagine that on the day I will do what comes naturally at the time, whether that convinces the panel that what I say is true or not, who knows.
I know that to most people I appear fine, that I manage to do what needs to be done, I do everyday things and I do them well, then when no-one can see I fall apart, my body is falling apart because it is trying to make me stop something, shut down, give in, which is impossible, how can I stop or give in or shut down? Oh well.......that's a couple of weeks away yet.
Ah, you see...just as I type that.....Sophie just called, crying. nearly midnight and she is on her way to tell me what is the matter, I will talk and listen and advise and then she will go and do what she wants to do, she will ( I hope) feel better and I will feel worse, when will this situation end? When will she actually listen and change what she is doing so she can change how she feels?
I am glad she feels able to talk to me, I just wish she would listen as well.
No spell check and no time to check it myself, enjoy my typos!!

After the visit.
She cried a lot, I sat and tried to get a word in while she told me how no-one cares and all she wants is a home where she is wanted and can put pictures up and she cried some more and then I took her home, I told her to come back tomorrow, when she has had a sleep and we will watch some girlie movies ( bought 3 of the chickiest flicks at blockbuster on saturday) and talk properly, I also told her that I do love her but until she is actually willing to help herself we are all pretty much helpless.
I really cried when I dropped her off and actually let her see that, I told her how it feels to be her mum and watch her do this to herself, how impossible it is to hug her and love her in a demonstrative way when I am worrying my skin off about whether this is the night she will be raped or murdered. When I have been awake half the night wondering if she is walking through industrial estates, half dressed at 3am, when she turns up here at 7am and says she has been sitting in the car since 4am, how can I throw my arms around her and say how happy I am to see her? I'm not superwoman and personally, I think not grabbing her by the neck and shaking the crap out of her shows pretty darned incredible restraint.
Maybe tomorrow we can make some headway but I won't hold my breath until she is ready to hear what I say.

Twang.

That's my heart strings, we have a country and western fest going on right now with my heart strings being twanged to a fairly natty beat.
Sophie came today and she ate, slept and then she cooked US dinner, she babysat while H and I did what we had to do on a saturday afternoon.
When she has eaten dinner she asked me to drop her to the house she is staying in and then wait for her to get changed, then take her to work. She had helped us so I did that for her, it also means I get to see where she is sleeping this week.
TWANG! I drove up outside a regular house, but it was a family house, with lit up windows and clean cars outside, I could see into the sitting room and it was tidy and warm, with white net curtains at the window, she is safe this week. I can't tell you how that feels, although you can be sure I will try my hardest.
It feels like relief and guilt, it feels like happy and heartbroken.
Relief because, well she's safe and she is in a home that is good, that has parents and children, that has allowed her in and is wrapping its arms around her. Guilt because she can't be here. She will ( I can but hope) be a good girl there and help out, she will show respect and ( I hope) adhere to any rules that they put down. She is friends with the daughter and I hear that she is a good girl ( from other people) Stupid pride that has no place her, what must this girl's parents think of me, as a mother? How could I turn away my own child? I've been there and done that, then I got to see what those parents had been subjected to, I hope they never see what Sophie is capable of.
Happy because to be able to go to bed and sleep knowing that she is safe and warm is priceless. Heartbreaking because if only she could learn and grow up, she could have that here, with HER family.
Then we have Mel.
She is hospital with a UTI, so poorly and shaking, in pain and just miserable. I am so glad she is being so well looked after and I took Jordan to visit her during his break today, I stayed just a minute or two and then left to sit in the car and read while Jordan spent some time with her. I was so weepy as I left because this tiny little person is so precious to us all already that the thought of anything happening to him / her is unbearable. We have these babies and carry them, hardly giving a thought to the miracle that is happening, without any thought as to how we do it, we manage to grow these babies and give birth to string healthy little people. It is possible these days to save babies born as young as 24 weeks ( and Mel is just 24 weeks) with technology these tiniest of babies can survive but nothing does the job as well as a womb, as a mother just going about her business and keeping that baby inside.
The Drs have told Mel how serious this is, she really is quite sick and so far the anti biotics aren't helping her get better, she will be in hospital until as late as tuesday, she went in yesterday at 2pm. I am sure that all will be well, but so easily it could have been worse and even though we haven't met this little person yet, we don't know if it is a boy or a girl but it is as loved as it could possibly be.
( Who can help but wonder if they may do an ultrasound and see what that little stinker kept hidden last time?!)
The baby has a great heartbeat, is kicking and strong......Mel is having all the care she needs, all we can do is pray and hope and trust that all will be well.
I went to the shop at the hospital to buy a magazine and a drink for while I waited in the car and another lady and I stood side by side looking at the shelves and politely allowing each other space........only to hear "HELLO!" It was my sister! Ha, imagine that, she was there with her husband who had a painful foot, must call and see if he is better now, so funny that we had been standing next to each other all that time without realising it.
Oh, also, when I drove Sophie to get changed we had to drive past the old house, I collected our wheelie bin that we left behind and saw that the lights were on, so it looks like landlady has been there and left a hallway light on. I wonder what she thought as she walked through that spotless house? I wonder if maybe she has any heart ( and I think she must have as she showed a bit of it when she let us move into the barn) and I wonder if HER heart strings got a twang of conscience? Oh I hope so! I am giving her a week longer to send us some money and then I will write and ask her where she invested that money ( which is almost certainly nowhere!) I will suggest that we allow the investment compnay decide who should have that deposit money and failing that, the courts, I just hope that now she has been to the house and seen how we left it, she will have fleeting visit from the human kindness fairy and a smack around the head from the 'pay them their money you heartless old bag' pixies.
Meanwhile we are all continuing to enjoy our new home, I still paddle about in my bare feet and sighing with pleasure at the kitchen. I can't walk up the stairs without my heart saying a thankyou, I never walk into our room without being enveloped with a feeling of peace. Can't put a price on that can you?

But when she was bad....

She got kicked out of tattoo face man's house.
Dear Lord, it is relentless, who knows why but he called and told her to pick up her stuff and get out ( except 'get out!' began with an F and also ended with an F) she hasn't been there, something has made her uncomfortable and so she has been sleeping anywhere else but there, he has taken umbridge at that and so she is out.
I am ashamed to admit that my bowels turn to water and I fiind myself saying rather too loudly " Well, now what? because you know you can't come here"
She never seems upset at that and says "Yeah I know" within minutes she said " sorted" and is going to live with Naomi and her mum, because Naomi's mum loves her. Trying to get her to understand that Naomi's mum won't love her for long if she eats them out of house and home, makes an almight mess, doesn't come home when she should, does come home when she is drunk at 3am with a gaggle of n'er do wells, refuses to look for a job and sleeps til 2pm........I suspect Naomi's mum will join the rapidly growing ranks of the 'been there done that's' in Sophie's life.
I am all done with form filling and phone calls, we are registered and legal, official and home, really home.
I have put up curtains, put away stuff, cleaned floors and even have a tin of paint in the toilet, when everyone is asleep I find myself in the loo painting a bit of trim.
When I said this house was perfect, I meant it. The essence of it is is divine, comforting and homely. The decor leaves much to be desired. The lavatory in particular was hideous. Olive green and whit trim, grey and white chequered effect sticky back plastic as a splash back,old lady silky effect stripey green and beige curtains. Very very horrible. So I am just tittivating it up and removing all traces of olive green ( oh the whole inside of the door is olive green with white plastic door handle of elderly persons type)
H has put the feet back on the sofas and chair, we moved ( at last) the large recycling bin of wires, adaptors, DVD players and video players, floors are clean and clear, stinky old stripey curtains are gone, beautiful floor length posh ones are up.
We have lampshades and energy saving bulbs where old fashioned burn your eyeball naked lights used to hang. It's beginning to feel like this may be real and we can stay. ( silent pleading in my heart and mind)
H is cooking dinner this evening, Eli is at gramma's because it is wednesday and this morning he said "Hey! Wezzday, less duss doe a dramma's today O-Tay?"
"well, not really because you have school now on wednesdays, you can't go to gramma's."
"Oh, O-Tay I tan duss doe der when I det outta stool nen, phone her and tell her I will be der after stool, she tan buy me a pasty and I eat it der for my dinner. O-tay, dat's great."So that was that and he is there, it being wednesday and all.
I walked to town and pottered, met Sophie and Jane for lunch ( which Jane didn't eat because when she says she is going to do something about her weight, she means more than whine about it while stuffing her face with cheese and bacon laden potato skins, so Jane had a sparkling water and enormous sense of pride, I had the potato skins thankyouverymuch. Jane! Help me! )
H and I are thawing a bit, losing that frozen state of stunned and fearful gratitude that we felt on moving in here, slowly beginning to feel a sense of purpose, we even had some weak sunshine today, no biting wind and NO RAIN, truly a marvellous day. ( Except for Sophie and her threatened homelessness, which seems to be averted for another week or two)