Picture perfect.

Hello Lola.

No matter how dark a night can be, the smallest light can break it.
Sometimes there is the most glorious flash of light that lets you see right into the future.
Lola-Mae was such a light today. She was born, on her due date at 5pm. How very timely of her.   
Truth be told she has been a bit of a stinker, she has had her mummy believing everyday for the last 3 weeks that THIS is the day. Oh poor Mel, contractions and back aches and every sign under the stars that THIS IS THE DAY. It is a SIGN!
We have been back and forth to the hospital, we have waited for midwives, she has had sweeps and more sweeps and has, I suspect, the cleanest and most well kept and swept cervix in all the land. A cervix made of steel that was not letting that baby out early, nope, no matter what you try ( reflexology, hot spicy food, walking for hours and miles) That baby was not for shifting.
Until today.
Mel went for her midwife's appointment at 12.30 and she had another sweep, at 1pm she called me and she said " My waters just broke in the shop..I can't walk, can you come and get me?" So I did, although she waddled  damply back to her midwife who said that indeed her waters HAD broken ( although there was no doubt there was a veritable flood) she said that she didn't need to go to the hospital yet, not until the pain was bad and she was contracting every 5 minutes or so.
We drove to Mac Ds and her contractions had already started, she laughed as one finished just as we got there and said that she was happy that had ended in time for her to have a cheeseburger. By the time the cheeseburger arrived her contractions were every 3 minutes and she was really feeling them, no messing about or wondering if these were real, we had time to run into a supermarket, grab some drinks and some new clothes and drive to the hospital.
We arrived about 3.00 and it was obvious that at last this baby was coming, for real and soon. We looked at the clock at 3. 30 and said " We'll expect her at 5 then"....and laughed because that was quick, wasn't it?
At 4pm she was 8 cms and she asked for drugs, anything, something just give her anything because this was so awful, at 4.20 she said that there was no point in having drugs because she wasted to PUSH AND SHE COULDN'T NOT PUSH! She was fabulous and Jordan was fabulous and I wasn't needed at all.
I am so proud of these people. I am so honoured that I could watch that little girl be born. I love to see how my son loves his wife, I love how gentle he is and how kind he is, how he truly just wants whatever makes her happy. I loved seeing how he knew by just a hand signal what she was telling him. ( although to be honest, some of them were pretty easy to understand!) I loved watching how she held onto him as she pushed and as she tried not to push.
Watching that huge man cry when his daughter came into the world is something that is priceless to me and I am so grateful that they let me see that. I did feel, today, as if I was somehow intruding, I tried not to and I stayed out of the way taking a few pictures that I knew Mel would treasure later, they made her cross at the time as she yelled "What are you doing? What are you taking pictures OF?" and I would say " nothing awful, you'll be glad later" and I think she will be.
So now I have a grandson and a granddaughter and I know just why they are called 'Grand' Oh they are so grand. There is nothing MORE grand let me tell you. I had no idea and then Josh was born and I was so gloriously surprised and I am still endlessly thrilled with just how grand it is to be a Gramma. He adores me you see, that little man and I so hope that Lola does too, as she gets bigger. I drove past their house this week and I tooted the car horn and then I had to drive past a little way to park. As I opened my car door I could hear his bereft sobbing because he "saw gramma, where IS gramma? Josh saw gramma's car, I WANNA SEE GRAMMA!!!" and he is always SO pleased to see me. People don't need dogs to get that unconditional love thing, get a grandbaby.
Do you want pictures? What?
Ok, here they are......


Laughing gas...which did not make her laugh, this was a fast and furious labour, no laughing allowed.



Can you see that love? Look how she needed him and how he held on to her as tightly as she held onto him.


Brand new and daddy cutting the cord.


Sweet Lola-Mae, we love you so much already.



All 8lbs 4oz of you.


Anybody able to resist tiny brand new baby feet does not have a heart.
I have a heart and this little girl is already so deeply wrapped around it, Hello Lola-Mae, welcome to our family. We love you.

Conversations in our house ....part something or other.

Isaac.
" Mum, you know my skin is halfway black, can I go out in the sun until I am properly black and then either shave my head so I look like Kobe Bryant OR get those lines in my hair like Xhibit on Pimp my ride?"

Me with H.
"Ow, I have a big pain in my head, wonder why that is"
" Ha! Think yourself lucky that you don't have an eye twitch to go with it " ( as he nods his head behind Sophie)

Sophie
"Jenn Mac and Cathy want to know what size clothes I wear. I wear a 10. Tell them 10, I am not wearing a size 12, no way no how" ( as she sits with overflow from every available place, boobs, belly, bum.....luckily a 10 in the US is a 12 over here, phew, maybe we can cover that body a little better, since she stopped taking drugs her addiction of choice is food)

Sophie to Daniel
" Bloody hell Daniel you are getting SO fat!"
( wow.......there's an open opportunity to retaliate, which he did not, to his credit)

And when we stopped talking we just took pictures of the unbearably delicious baby.



And at last Papa H got to meet Joshua.



And Joshua got to meet Papa H and his sideburns, which are the new thing, because that is how we do it in England. I am told.
I think I am to be commended for being as sane as I am considering that I am surrounded by so much bizarre and eccentric behaviour.

Oh another conversation ( more of a statement really as it beggared a response)
Sophie.
" I think I would be really great in Big Brother."

Let's not even imagine that.
Please.

Perfection..with pictures.

You may have noticed that in this clip ( of entirely too much deliciousness) I refer to myself as Gramma. This is completely bizarre as there is nothing I can do about it, I open my mouth to say Nana and out comes gramma, everytime. The more I say it, the more I like it.
I like that I am the only gramma he has.
Nana will be holidays in the sun and parcels in the mail.
Gramma will be up the road and every day.
Nana will be spoken about and on the phone.
Gramma will be spoken about and seen so regularly as to be a part of the fixtures of life.
Nana will spend time getting reaquainted twice a year.
Gramma will be just up the road and available for tea parties.
I like being gramma.


Even though it means speaking in a ridiculous high pitched voice and saying sentences the wrong way 'round because cuteness and tiny sneezes make it impossible to just talk like a human being who rather likes the English launguage.



To a gramma, even bogies are cute, bless his little sneezing head.


And the most glorious part of being a gramma...this.....



Hearing that sound and never, not ever feeling despair or such weariness that it drills right through your sleep deprived brain.
Not that this child is making anyone feel that way. He is, as predicted the most laid back baby with even more laid back parents.
I am in awe of these 2 young people.
They just do it all so beautifully and confidently.
Incredibly enough, this baby is bathed every evening at 7.30 and after he has been fed, he goes to bed..upstairs. Mel and Jordan watch TV downstairs, put the monitor on and that little chap stays in bed until the morning. He sleeps for 3-4 hours at a time, wakes up and is fed and back in his crib within 20 minutes, right back to sleep. Mel does that 1am feed, Jordan the 4/5am one and they are all so incredibly chipper and rested that I feel almost annoyed, so sure was I that I would get a call or 3 to take him so they could sleep.
Mel, of course has lost all the baby belly, looks too beautiful for words.


He has been all over the place and even had a picnic in the park today with his uncles, all 4 of them.
Dan came to visit and, like the rest of us, fell under the littlest person's spell.

Well, I wasn't ready for THAT!

Well, well, some unexpected emotions have been making themselves most unwelcome today. I have no idea where they came from, am completely aware that they are ridiculous apart from the fact that at the time, they were very real. So real in fact that I wept copious amounts of stinging tears.
The whole experience of becoming a grandmother has been extraordinarily powerful, I had no idea that I would feel so strongly about this little scrap who is only mine in a second hand way. Once removed. From a distance.
The mothering instinct doesn't leave when your child has a child. I want my son to enjoy every positive and blissful second of being a father. I want him to excel in as many ways as is possible in the raising of this precious boy.
There are so many ways in which Joshua, should he following his fathers footsteps, will be the most glorious man. What better start is there for a boy than to have a father he should emulate?
Jordan is young and he hasn't had a particularly good role model for a father. His dad has loved him but has been ineffectual, he has stumbled at every single important hurdle. Luckily, the effect that this has had on Jordan is to make him determined to be different. Phew. Take a deep breath.
Jordan has faced some nightmares in his life that most young men don't face. He beat them, he is a good man. He is also very young.
I have watched him work, climb his chosen career ladder, I see people gravitate towards him and I feel enormous pride that I did so much of that. I know that he is who he is, I also know that I raised him from 23 months until he was 12 on my own. Through unbelievable circumstances.
He is a wonderful man, I am breathtakingly thrilled with how he is with his tiny son.
What I am trying to say in my long winded way, is that I still feel so much the mother, not just to him but to Mel and I am so grateful to be able to help them in the ways I can. H, as always is so gentle and accommodating, staying here with the squitty bum boys ( and raise a hand in gratitude to Joshua because without his being born, you so would have had daily and detailed account of how often and how violently these 3 boys have expelled their bodily contents over the past FOURTEEN DAYS, enough said) while I swan off to go to reflexology appointments, to go and walk with Mel, to run here and there, to see my grandson born, to kiss him, bath him, go shopping.
I don't feel the mother to Joshua, what I feel for him is something so new, I have yet to work out how it works. I want to give him the sun, moon and earth and I want to wrap it nicely.
I knew that I would love the fact that the nitty gritty is not my worry, I am so done with teething and night feeds, bulky great nappy bags, folding pushchairs up and down and all that malarkey.
So onto the bit that hit me in the heart and head today.
The first one has been to visit, big deal. We all know that this is a happy little blip in hi sself centred life, ooooh grandbaby, must visit and make a fuss, have fun and grasp the moment and then fizzle off into the distance while I continue my quest for happiness, must find happiness for ME, grandbaby is cute but must keep on keeping on doing what is needed for ME.
Whoppidoo. So why was my stupid heart and head so sad that fizzy grandad gave silver things and presents, a wad of cash and a big gesture? Beats me, but it did. A lot.
Mels mum is here, from Turkey, also buying presents and toys and stuff and more stuff. She is the other Nana. I want to be Nana but darn it if I can't quite make myself say it and when I open my mouth I hear myself saying " Let gramma get you a squeeze!" Gramma? That's my MUM! Who's gramma?? Oh well, we will see. Anyway, the thing is, I found myself snot crying in the kitchen to a bewildered H. Snot crying without any punctuation at all ( but will add some, just to make it easier to share)
"oh I know I am stupid and I know what I CAN give is so much more important and actually I remember my mum crying about this and I thought she was CRAZY but the thing is they are all buying him stuff and giving him hundreds of pounds for his bank account and toys and more stuff and I spent all our money on reflexology and petrol and knickers and newspapers and Lucozade so Mel would have energy to push and parking and lunch and more oils and more parking and boring stuff like chewing gum so I wouldn't breathe smelly breath on Mel when I was whispering to her to push harder and now I have no money for silver things and toys but wait til I go to Boston, he is getting stuff no-one else can buy because Argos? Stuff Argos! I am going to Boston and Cathy has Ralph Lauren stuff for him but I didn't buy that but she is my friend and so its sort of because of me and Jenn has a tiny little basketball kit for him and everyone loves him so I know this is all so stupid but WHY CAN'T I STOP CRYING?? The other Nana is going out tonight so I am going to get me a fix and give him a bath and that will be lovely won't it?"
And guess what, I did and it was.
It was bath time and you know that feeling when you are new at something and you know it needs doing but you are a bit scared to do it? That's bathtime at Joshuas house.
"He needs a bath but he hates it and I really wish I didn't have to do it because he really hates it but he needs it" said Mel ( who is English and hasn't heard that in America you don't bath a baby when it still has a cord, or that if you do it might all end terribly because we are in England and horror of horrors we DO give teeny tiny babies baths and wash off all the stinky old milk and pee and stuff. And guess what? Nothing. Sweet smelling babies with everything still working and the sky doesn't fall in, imagine that!)
So, oooh let me at him, can I do it? And Jordan came too.
Big bath with one of those impressive shaped hard plastic contraptions that support the baby. Right.
So I shoved that out of the way and I lay him in the water, hand under his head, he was screaming until I put the plam of his hand under the warm water. It is like magic. Enough water to cover him sufficiently to keep him warm, head and ears above the water and a firm grip, put that palm under the water and miracle of miracles the screaming will stop, those tightly screwed eyes will open and a look of such bliss you just know life is really alright.
Jordan stopped dead in his tracks, he called Mel...
"what? No screaming so I know he isn't in there yet and Oh would you look at you .."
"She just put his hand under the water and let him hold her finger...LOOK, oh mate, Nana really knows!"
Yes, she does and you know what? There isn't a silver certificate holder that can hold a candle to what Nana knows. Is there?
And for your enjoyment would you see what else Nana did?


( tiniest of teeny feet, be still my heart!)


Itty bitty finger nails.



*sigh*

WHO'S THE NANA?? Huh?

The tale of Joshua Alec.

So, 3.50am and I am awake again, a short yet refreshing nap, disturbed by Isaac and his tummy ache. Amazing how, after such fervant prayers on Friday night that as the boys slept they would be made wel, that the dreadful bug that had seen them vomint and expel at terrifying rates from the other end would leave, that the morning would find them well and healed, I prayed that neither H or I would suffer from this bug and that also, I would be able to see my grandbaby born. My prayers were answered, this morning everyone was well, happy and poop free, when I got home however that all changed...the bug is back it would seem
Saturday at noon, having watched the boys laugh and play, not a belly wobble to be seen, I got a text from Mel to say she was alone and that she had had a consistent and miserable abdominal pain and what should she do?
After I spoke with her and recognised the 'voice', that lower pitched close to possessed voice that only a women in true labour ever has, I called the midwife for her and the ball began to roll.
By 2pm I was with Mel and Jordan at home, 2 visits from the midwife told us that she was indeed in labour and that whenever she was ready, she could head for the hospital.


She sort of wanted to bounce on her birthing ball but ouch, maybe not....after Jordan had blown it up a bit more for her.



The contractions were good ones, but still amusing, still giggling when she stood, legs crossed oofing and yeeeowing, I knew that there was plenty of time but knowing the road we had to take was going to be horrendously slow and traffic ridden, I said that we should start out pretty soon, get to somewhere near the hospital and then wander around a while.
Now, our family is up for a laugh, pretty much most of the time and Mel fits right on in. So we drove to Mothercare which is a mere 5 minutes from the hospital, it is said that if your waters break in Mothercare they present the mother to be with a whole heap of goodies. The midwife told Mel that her hind waters had gone but the forewaters were bulging, oooooooooh BULGING! Maybe they will POP and BREAK if we wander around for a while. They didn't but we did laugh a bit and it filled in a good while before we went to the hospital and Mel was able to buy some new big knickers just for the occasion.
At the hospital all was very relaxed, giving birth in England is a treat, so accepted as a natural thing there are no drips, no monitors and no alien type garb for the midwives and unless specifically called for, not a doctor in sight. No gowns, no restrictions, just a bed, some reassurance and as much time as you need to birth yourself a young 'un.
Basic checks made, reassurance given and the all clear to do whatever felt right until such time as we needed extra help.
At 6pm Mel started to comment on how, actually this isn't bloody funny anymore and look, drugs...where are they? Ouch.
Gas and Air. Such simple words but such profound relief, so effective and yet immediately gone from the system once you stop breathing it in. You must know how to use it, forget just half hearted puffing, drag in great gobsfulls, one after the other, at least 4 before you begin to get the most bizarre feeling of pins and needles and then, only then do you feel that this stuff might be bloody fabulous and contractions? Pah! I laugh in your face oh pain of childbirth. Literally laugh in your face.
Mel was embarrassed and so Jordan had a go....


And she had a pathetic attempt when she didn't have a contraction, just to see what it was like and wasn't sure she was impressed, then another contraction came and she listened to me as I told her how to breathe and OH! Then she got it....ahhhhhh it works, hehe heh.hahahahaha....this is not called laughing gas for nothing.


Oh Nitrous Oxide, how we love thee. N2O to those of us who are really familiar with it, Mel laughed and she laughed and she proclaimed such love for it that she may have mentioned that she no longer had need of Jordan. Maybe.
She would get a pain, breathe, relax, stop breathing that gas and then she would laugh, we would laugh, much wheezing and off we go again.
She would drop the gas at her side in between contractions and say that she actually may not really need it because she couldn't feel anything and was just having a laugh..so she would try not to use it and then see that OW! It hurts.
I mentioned that when she got a death grip on that gas contrapttion, when she spat and swore at anyone who even suggested she loosen her grip, then we would know that the time was getting close.
Jordan helped her, held her, stayed quiet unless asked not to stay quiet, I rubbed aching backs and whispered how well she was doing and reminded her that breathing was a really great thing to remember, out as well as in, so we could SEE she was breathing because that pain? It'll get you breathing so shallowly and teeny tiny puffs as you try to get the hell away from it. She was so good because although she was perfectly at ease telling Jordan to piss off and shut the hell up, she is so polite to me and she would say " I am breathing" and when I would say "but you have to do it so we can see it, BIG breaths in and FOOOOOOOOOOOf it out, try it and see how much better it feels" she would humour me and try it and then she would say " oh, OK, yeah" and then she got it. And it worked.
I might take just a sentence to boast about how the midwife said I should BE a midwife. I knew I would be pretty good at the whole doula/ birth coach thing and darn it if I was too.
So, from 6pm until 9, those contractions came thick and fast without a break. At 9pm I went to get the midwife ( who had been in and out, listening in to the heartbeat with that magical little wand, watching for a few minutes and then popping out again) after I went to tell the midwife that Mel was making the 'cow' noise and wanting to push, she examined Mel, found her to be 9cm and she broke the waters.
Pretty much right away Mel wanted to push and did once or twice and then the contractions stopped, frustrating except it gave Mel a break that she desperately needed, after sitting on a bizarre very low to the round ( forcing a squatting position) seat, rather like a half toilet seat, the contractions began again and after several pushes ( and that may have been when Mel may have been tempted to yell at me!) when I managed to persuade her that this baby was not coming out until she got so mad that she pushed against that pain until it hurt more than anything she ever imagined and if it felt like she was tearing then good, bloody well make it tear then...she did it, she got mad enough that damn it she was not going to stop until he was out. The midwife was great, she applied pressure right where it was needed and although Mel did get a small tear Joshuas birth was incredible, the immediate recovery and feeling of normality was incredible to see. No drips or catheters, a small running stitch to repair, no after effects of any drugs just an enormous feeling of pride and joy.
Such overwhelming love for that tiny little scrap of brand newness.



A new daddy who can't understand how any man can ever not want to feel like this,



A new mummy who feels as though this is what she was made for...



And a new Nana who feels something so extraordinary she can scarcely find the words. But sometimes, who needs words?



Such was my joy that when I returned home after midnight to discover that H had gine to bed, was fast asleep, with ear plugs in situ, having locked the door and left the key in the lock, I was well and truly locked out, well I only hated him for a fleeting moment, as long as it took Jordan to run up the hill and climb through the downstairs window that H had left open. ( there's something to worry about when I fly to Boston in 19 days time!! Must convince him that a burglar could just as easily get in that window and steal his laptop in a trice!)
Oh what a day we had.
I am a Nana. For real.

I am a Nana.

JOSHUA ALEC 7lbs 9.5oz 10.10pm June 7th 2008. Precious boy. I am a Nana.

I have so much to say but I am so overwhelmed that I will let you see why and tomorrow tell the tale, I was so happy to be there. What a joy.

And now, for something completely different!

Things are not going well. Elijah has had some kind of weird stomach thing for a full week, perfectly well and cheerful he has had diarrhea the likes of which has had me heaving and gagging, he is completely cheerful, wants to eat and yet...over and over again, farty bum " Eli! Did you poop again? " he does this little jump / surprised look and then says " Hmmm I fink yes I did!" and off we go again. We have bleached, disinfected, anti-bac'd, starved , hydrated and he has skipped and sung and pooped his way through the week.
Last night, Isaac woke up and was all unnecessary, upstairs downstairs, all over the place, H came down here Isaac came in with me and he whined and fidgeted all night until this morning when he let us know what the whining was about....yes more poppy boxers and surprised looks ( well how on earth did THAT happen? Heh heh!) They really think it is hysterical, none of them ( and yes Seth joined in!) are at all miserable, they have been playing, running, jumping and all the while ( pardon my language) shitting through the eye of a needle.
We have had little piles of clean boxer shorts outside the lavatory and they have been running downstairs yelling "Ha! I did it again, the dirty ones are in the basket!" This has to be the most revolting game I have ever witnessed, I am thrilled that they aren't ill as such but good heavens!
Toast and Coca Cola, all day that's it. ( Coke is magical for the runs, and it did work, by lunch time, not that anyone actually ate lunch) the stream ( eww) had run dry and they were safe to stay downstairs. Seth has been up and down those stairs all day long, keeping a tally of how many false alarms he has had. I am so grateful that they are old enough ( apart from Elijah) to just do what needs doing, we have followed behind saying " WASH...use this gel....." and then running to spray and wipe.
We have a strict no farting rule which Eli cannot keep too and so he has been the winner of the clean boxers part of the game. If you get gas, do it on the toilet because this is not fun you guys!
I had to escape just for some fresh air, this house has a cloud of green toxic fumes hovering over it, thank goodness for good weather and open windows.
They were all pretty much exhausted by 8pm, they watched the Lakers /Celtics game and were asleep in minutes.
8.30 there was a loud and piercing scream and then as I reached the bedroom, more puke than I have ever seen, especially from someone so small who has hardly eaten a thing all week. Poor Eli, poor bed and poor my iPod, yes, hoorah for ugly plastic iPod skins with High school musical pictures, that thing saved my iPod from certain puke death.
We stripped the bed and threw the whole lot in a black sack and in the dustbin, life is to short for sorting all that kind of stuff out....ack I shall buy new duvet and sheets tomorrow, that one was in its last legs anyway, luckily the beloved animal blanket had fallen on the floor and escaped the horror.
I put Eli under the shower which always makes him cry, he hates that, wrapped him in a towel while we remade the bed daddy had scrubbed and cleaned and he jumped right in, snuggled down and said " Ahhh, I don't fink I will puke again, night night"
H has gone to bed and said he will be shoving his ear plugs in as far as they will go because he can't bear to hear anymore noises tonight!
I am so glad they are happy but it s the weirdest thing ever!
I have banned Mel and Jordan from the house and I met them outside today in town, I cannot bear the thought that I might miss the baby's birth and even worse have to stay way from him when he IS here.
I can't tell if I feel ill or not, queasy but honestly the day I have had who wouldn't feel ill? So much stink in one day! SO much laundry and cleaning, smells of all kinds and then the disinfectant smell on top....ewwwww and ack.
If I do get sick ( although I have to say I absolutely don't believe in being sick, it is against my core beliefs, so I think I will be fine) I will stay away from Mel and Jordan completely and I think my heart will break a big bit. I have so enjoyed this time getting to know Mel, I love the fact that I love her so and that she rather likes me. Mel's mum is flying in on monday, if that little stinker hasn't been born before then, Mel is being induced on monday. I have a terrible feeling that I am going to miss him being born, between this bug and Mel's mum being here....Mel says it won't matter that the more the merrier but it will matter.
I want them to enjoy the birth of their baby, I won't turn it into a 3 ring circus and I don't know Mel's mum well enough to be able to relax when she is around, she is entitled to be right by her daughters side if that is what Mel wants and so if she is here before the baby is born I will step back and wait until she has flown back to Turkey before I muscle in and love on that baby.
If this bug keeps wreaking havoc it won't be a choice anyway. It's all a bit cruel isn't it? Right now, this whole puke thing?
Mel and Jordan have completely accepted that this baby doesn't seem to know how to get out on his own, she says she is only uncomfortable when she has contractions and that she has accepted that he will be here on monday, with help. It is a relief to see her happy again, she will have her mum close by for a week and any girl wants that at a time like this, just 2 days to wait and then he will be here, or on his way for sure! Please let that stomach flu be a 24 hour one, I have no idea why Eli has had this for so long, he has been a stinker for sneaking food whenever we aren't looking so hopefully the other boys will be better by the morning, I am afraid to go to bed for fear of being woken up by nightmarish scenes of mass pukedom. I might have me an all night vigil, at least until H wakes up which is usually around 3am.
I am more than a little fed up by the timing of all this and just hope that the morning brings miraculous healing of all things stomach related.
This has been an incredibly emotional week, all without even seeing that little person arrive, who knows what it will feel like when he is here. I have been a weepy old thing all week.
I am weepy with relief about Sophie and her job, scared that having money will take her back down the scary road, excited about the baby, disappointed that he isn't here, excited, disappointed, excited about Boston, scared about Boston, thrilled that even in my wildest dreams I wouldn't have imagined things falling together in such a way for this trip, I think that I am really meant to go and have the time of my life, I am so thankful to all the people that have made it happen for me ( oooh is this a speech?? Where's the podium?)
I feel something so huge is happening and of course it is, so much going on all at once. Almost too much to take in at one time. Lucky me. I just can't wait for this baby.

Oh look! No baby!

I am such a snob about my blog, if I bore myself thinking about what to write...I don't write anything, I'm sorry if there are aching fingers clickedy clicking the refresh button to see if this tardy grandbaby of mine has deigned to bless us with his presence. The answer to that is still a resounding NO I am afraid.
I started to write a witty update that was to end with THE END because that would have made me hoot with laughter, but dear life it was dull and never got further than 'we walked' and so delete and shut down won over the day.
How many times can an impatient Nana to be say " No baby yet" without driving herself nutso?
Jordan and Mel have turned their phones off, that means that I am getting ALL the phone calls, I get all the emails and all the texts.
I broke down last night and mentioned the nipple stimulation, Mel reacted pretty much the way I Imagined she would " Oh, I know about that but you have to do it for HOURS!" and the midwife has told her about sex so I can leave that one alone.
We have walked, bounced, eaten spicey food, worn my fingers to the bone with reflexology and back massaging with Clary sage and Jasmine, Mel can barely walk because " Oh, do pardon me for waddling but there is a head between my legs" the boy is a sneeze away from falling out. If all else fails, on monday she will be induced, which by then will mean the Doctor saying " COUGH" and making sure he is in the line of fire to catch said lazy gitlet.
He is just too much like his parents, both of whom will happily stay in one spot having a doze until something exciting comes along or they are physically ousted from their warm and cosy spot.
He is a week late today, I forgot to see what the stupid widget was saying.....I think it may have started from scratch becuase last time I looked it said 10 days to go, I didn't show Mel that because she may well have shot the messenger, we are treading lightly around this normally sweet and placid girl at the moment.
HA HA HA!! LOOK! The baby in the WIDGET has gone, been born, got out, My grandbaby wins! Na na na na na ( but not NANA!) well if that doesn't pretty much say it all. I am ridiculously annoyed by that because i was looking forward to making that skinny little baby disappear when my real life plump and healthy boy grandchild arrives, how dare they presume that because 41 weeks arrived it must mean that the baby was born and I forgot to remove said widget. How very dare they?

What other news? Diarrhea, so much of it. Eli has had it for a week and that may be because he keeps sneaking the worst kind of food ...Isaac came into our bed last night and whimpered for 2 hours..then let us know why, Seth just began his day by yelling that he needed a shower, say no more.
I will take the time to say THREE WEEKS TODAY I will be in Boston, with the laughing ladies.
I have been having a huge private freak out this week about it. The beginnings of the flying colly-wobbles have begun which I expected, I can battle with those I think, not nearly as worrying to be flying alone, when I knew that the boys were flying with us in December I was so sick of the idea it took a hefty prescription to even get me to the airport.
My freak out this week is all about me. It is truly a battle of wills, with a Fat, poor chick on one shoulder and a reasonable loving one on the other.

Fat chick " Oh my goodness would you look at you! Are they all going to get a shock when they clap eyes on YOU "

Reasonable Loving Chick " what utter hogwash, does it matter to YOU what anyone looks like?"

FC " No, but that may because they are all so lovely and have nice homes and pretty clothes, they are girly and know what to wear with what, unlike ME with my 'this fits, that'll do ' approach to life.

RLC " You are being ridiculous now. Your home could be lovely if you got off your admittedly large backside and did something with it, 5 months is long enough....get up and make it beautiful, so its rented, big deal, that means the landlord gets to pay for repairs, doesn't mean you are destined to live in a squat, do your stuff"

FC "Don't you start in me RLC, I am going to Boston, I need money for that, we are hittin Target and outlet malls , I am squirrelling money away, every wooden blind I buy now means 10 minutes in a shop in Boston, Priorities people priorities!"

RLC "well there you go, you answered yourself, your house isn't worthy of showing because you made a choice, you look the way you do because you make a choice everytime you open your mouth and shove food into it, can't help you with the crazy hair, that's your dad's doing and you can't speak ill of the dead, you may have to suck that one up and pray for no rain or humidity when you get to Boston. Clothes, hmmm Target have good ones, you're going to have to fight that life long battle wherein you feel obliged to buy for every one else and not yourself, if you want nice clothes you need to buy them and then wear them...unavoidable"

FC....."ack, you got me there, that's a tough one alright. I shall make it my challenge when I get there to buy things for ME, might need some pushing in that direction, will you help me out?

RLC " you bet I will, just make sure you don't go buying any wooden blinds for that house before you go, just shut the curtains and pretend you are out if anyone calls, that old 'sorry we're in a mess but we just moved in' statemnnet so doesn't work anymore."

I am trying to say that every negative ridiculous statement churning around in my head is just that, I know that all those people I am going to meet, love who I am, they don't care if I live in a rented house with ill matching curtains and carpets, with antwacky old paintwork and grotty lampshade, they don't give a stuff whether I have a credit card or not, they won't notice ( and even if they did won't care a jot) that my clothes aren't crisp and pretty, new and fetching, I know all this, I don't need anyone to tell me that it doesn't matter, I know it.....making myself accept it is the hard part.
I glimpse myself in a shop window and just feel like scuttling away into a hole, I am dreading having cameras pointed at me and feeling that maddening grimace that can't quite make it into smile, that look of complete idiocy that fills my face whenever there is a camera pointed anywhere in my direction, it's beyond me why I can't just smile and be done with it.
Oh look a camera! Look stupid!
Anyway, I am giving myself a jolly good talking to, by the time I get to Bsoton I shall be so maddeningly confident I suspect I may find myself shoved to the back of the room when the camera come out because 'remember Helen? How annoying was SHE? My goodness she was in our faces the whole time with her 'take a picture of ME!' '
I have found a song just right for the occassion....all together now......



Oh and before I go....guess what! No baby yet. ( not even in that little widget up there, nope not even there!)

I am such a liar.

We have changed our minds. The baby is staying where he is and we are not giving it another thought. We don't mind at all...ho hum, take your time.
Today there has been no reflexology, no Clary sage or jasmine oil, forget the blasted eggplant Parmesan, walking? Nope. He can just stay rigt where he is.
We are not talking about him, or even thinking about him. Nope not even a bit.
We are skipping a shower, letting our hair stay dirty, we care not whether the camera has batteries or the phone is charged, I haven't looked at the petrol gauge because who the hell is going anywhere?
Oh we have much more interesting things to discuss, the weather for example, sunny and warm and well, we can sit and relax and who in their right mind would want to be pushing a pram on a day like this? Especially one with a tiny baby in, with bendy little corn beef legs and tiny socks...not us, nope, not us.
I mean, it's just a baby isn't it? We can walk down the street, any day of the week and see everyone elses babies and we can ooh and ahh and then tell ourselves that by the time our baby is here, well THAT baby will be so yesterday and dull, ours will be all new and tiny and the best one in the world, so no hurry, we can wait.
All this impatience, it's for other people, not for us, because well.....it'll all happen when it's meant to happen, when he's ready he will be born or when the Dr thinks he is cooked enough he will encourage him to come on out ...which always makes me sad ( although 5 out of 6 of my children have had to be ousted by forceful means!) why sweat it?
We have stopped worrying ( anyone convinced yet??)
We looked at tiny clothes today and said " see that? we would buy that if you were out but ha! Back on the rack, you blew it baby, see? That'll show you tardy boy!"

Every day seems so long....and that's just for me, I daren't ask how Mel is about it all, we don't need to ask because its plain to see how she feels, or felt, because now we all have a completely new outlook.
Oh for goodness sake, I am so unconvincing, luckily the boy can't read, so hopefully is he is totally convinced and will GET OUT ALREADY!

The best laid plans ( ahem this is post 1000!)

I was saving this momentous post for the announcement and introduction of my grandchild, however he likes it where he is, Mel has changed her mind and given up, decided that she is probably a snake really and the baby has just reabsorbed himself and will never come out.
We have relexologied until my hands are like silken gloves with an aroma clary sage. We have made eggplant Parmesan ( I say 'we' but I mean me) we have, actually they have walked and walked and cleaned and walked. I cannot say if they have tried to get him out the same why they got him in and although it was suggested that me I suggest to them nipple stimulation, well some things just should not be spoken about between a woman and her son's girlfriend. Forgive me for that.
Jordan did ask if I was going to suggest I do a Cesarean section for them next because I have been kind enough to suggest such helpful plans, well, watch me mind my own business then, show them who's perfectly capable of minding her own business, I am not one to interfere. ( Much) If he makes any other comments like that I might well suggest nipple stimulation, that'll teach him!
So then, no baby. I would be getting very frustrated if it weren't for the fact that I am not carrying the child, not me that has that terrible feeling of impending rupture, the one that makes you feel not as though the bottom is falling out of your world but rather that the world is falling out of your bottom. That's the feeling that will make you pick up a heavy implement and throw it at your beloveds head when he says something like " look, if he doesn't come for another week...what's the harm? " THWAK..that's the harm buddy, could find yourself in a whole lot of discomfort yourself is what the harm is.
So, because I start to get jittery and twitch when I don't write my blog, tardy grandboy will have to make do with post 1000+ whatever and I best not hear a word of complaint about it.
( You watch, he'll get born tonight now just to be contrary, wait and see!)
I shall tell you some marvellous news though, Sophie has a job, a FULL TIME JOB, Jordan was stuck one evening and so he called Sophie and had her come in and work in the kitchen with him..he was gobsmackingly amazed to discover she was brilliant, he sang her praises which in itself is amazing. Yesterday we went for lunch at the restaurant and Jordan's boss said "So, you coming in tonight lady?" and so she did, this time working at the front of the restaurant where actual people were. At 10 pm Jordan called and said that "Sophie is AWESOME! Mum I can't believe it, she is fast, polite and is leaving the others behind, she is really, REALLY good." ( skippedy doodah, yippe aye ay) Anyway.....after last evening she was offered a full time job and started today.
This is SO huge, not only does it mean that she will now have the money to find a place to live, but also she will be working most every friday and saturday evening, meaning she can't go to the pubs and clubs. Also already, just 2 days in, I am hearing things like " when I see her like this I really want to help her, who minds helping her out when you see her helping herself?" and she has been so sweet, she will get paid weekly but gets her tips every evening which is great because that means that whatever happens she will have a small amount of cash each day, she came home this afternoon and asked Mel if there was anything she needed, she also told me that she has some money and that if I needed anything she would help out.
Small steps that mean so much, already her self esteem is lifting, as she sticks with it and pays off the money she owes, when we find her a place that she can call her own she will gain such a sense of self, I wish I could really soak up this feeling of hope, but too many times we have been let down and she falls at the first hurdle. This time is different in that she has beaten the drugs, we are right here to cheer her on and nudge her forward and she has chosen this for herself. We haven't done it for her, we haven't picked her up and set her down while telling her what to do.
I just pray that these things make the difference, that she is old enough now to see what good is doing and grasp it. What more can we do?

24 days until I set off for my trip to Boston, so much to look forward to, so much to be happy about and guess what? I am absolutely enjoying it all and making the most of every minute..now where in the name of all that's Nana-fied is that grandbaby???

OK baby!

See that over there...to the left? NO DAYS TO GO! That means you can get born. Now, if you please. We don't do late around here, tardy gets you in trouble and that's no way to start a life here now is it?
I wonder what you are thinking, tiny and new and just growing where it is safe and comfortable, so soon to be in this loud world with all it's challenges.
So many people waiting to welcome you...at midnight I got a text from your daddy that said " OK, he's due now, he can come out and let us start being parents and grandparents" We are so ready little boy.
Today as I was driving I passed the hospital where you will be born, your great grandpa, " papa" died there just 2 years ago and every time I pass that hospital I cry inside because I remember how sad we were when he left. Today I drove past and I imagined how next time I see that building, it will be when I drive your mummy and daddy there to meet you.
Sweetest baby, before you are even born I love you. I imagined holding you and kissing your face, smelling that divine new baby smell and feeling all the power and promise that you will bring with you and I cried for a whole different reason, soon that overbearing building that holds such sad memories for me, will become a place that will always mean that you are here.
I long to see if you are like your daddy, with his incredible sense of humour, with his long skinny legs and his huge hands, or your mummy with her beautiful blond hair and her gorgeous big eyes. I am pretty sure that you will be the sweetest and most placid of boys, with parents like you have ,you can't help but be a joy to know, both so kind and gentle, apt to laugh and see the good in people. Both were quiet, sweet babies who gave no trouble, sleeping and eating, smiling and ever happy.
You are going to be a lucky boy, planned and wanted and hoped for and adored from before you even began. You have 2 parents who are young and full of energy, who laugh and enjoy every kind of fun, they are people who have so many friends, everyone loves to be near your mummy and daddy and they love each other. I love to be with your parents, to watch them be so kind to each other, they are considerate and thoughtful one with another and they both can barely wait to see you.
Before you began to be, I used to say how when I was a grandma, Nana, Oma, nanny, I wasn't about to be a babysitter, I have had six children, done my share, been there, done that. I would look on and love, kiss and walk away and enjoy knowing that this was not my work to be done.
Already how things have changed, I have never loved the way I already love you.
I secretly hope that sometimes you keep your mummy and daddy awake at night, they both love to sleep...they can sleep til lunch time without any trouble and I am pretty sure that they will be shocked to learn how little tiny people can keep great big people up, for hours and hours and hours, allowing just enough sleep to avoid catastrophe and then WAKE UP!!!!! Again and they don't understand how one tiny person can cause so much fear..what is wrong? What can I do? What did I do wrong? Where does it hurt? WHY WON'T THAT CRYING STOP? And I am secretly hoping that sometimes they will long to sleep and rest and they will ask me to have you, just for a while so I can just soak in your splendidness.
Oh little boy, won't you come now? Aren't you ready yet? So long we have waited and we are so ready for you.
The whole world is waiting, right here where you will live there are so many people waiting, from your patient and uncomplaining mummy and your funny and impatient daddy, to our house with your noisy uncles who write you letters and talk about you every day.
Your other Nana is in Turkey waiting to hear that you are born and she will be on a plane to meet you.
People in America and Canada, ask me every day if you are here yet, buying presents and wishing you here.
It doesn't matter what you look like, it won't matter a bit whether you are big or small or smart or funny....you are loved just because. Simply because you are.
We long to see you and hear you, to know what you will be named. We will take pictures and love you, laugh and cry and when I hold you, I will whisper in your ear that I know where you come from and why you are here.
I promise to be near whenever you need me, when mummy and daddy are tough and teaching you, I can just love you.
When mummy and daddy have to show you who's boss I will show you who's nana.
I don't have to teach you or show you, I can just cuddle you. I will teach you what family is, I will show you what love means, I will remind you just how much your parents love you right when you think they don't care at all. When they have to stand firm I will be here and I will be the voice that reminds you what parents are for, I will tell you stories about your daddy that will remind you how great he is.
Grandpa H will teach you many things, he knows stuff,so much stuff your head will spin and he will show you, he is patient and he is so kind, he makes adventures and he gives places names, you won't ever just go to the park, you will go to the train park, the duck park, the wilderness and the magic forest. Your little legs will run behind these uncles of yours as they continue to go on hikes with your grandpa H, you will be so welcome and such an honoured guest.
Will you just be born now? Even though it must be scary to know that life here is waiting, the noise and the brightness and all these unfamiliar new things, but you, little boy will never be alone, will never know anything but love and safety because we're all here waiting.
I wonder if your papa will bring you, if he is holding your hand and telling you what fun you will have here on earth with our family. I know that he knows you and I am so sure that he will watch over you as he watches over us.
We're waiting for you precious boy and we are so ready to meet you and show you just how much you are loved already.
So much love little boy, from Nana Hxxx

That was a night, that was!

So, ever one to believe in being in tune with my loved ones, yesterday I called Mel and asked her if she was having contractions because jee-whizz I was having some corkers! I had awful crampings from my ribs to my nether regions.....she said no, nothing, but the night before she felt sure that baby was on his way, 'til she farted and then that was that, nothing again, all over.
At 31 minutes past midnight, there was a knock on the door, there stood Mel, looking as though she was about tto run a marathon, sweatshirts and running on the spot. " Somethings happening!" She said " I had another show and LOOK he's all dropped down and I can feel him moving and guess what?? Jordan is SO drunk! I couldn't wake him up so I got Sophie and WE ARE GOING WALKING! I never walked up that hill so fast, come on Soph, lets go!" and off they went.
1.15am Jordan called to say he wasn't drunk but he was tired and were they here?
2.20am she was home and bouncing on her birthing ball, watching the Royle family ( that makes me laugh so hard I would go into labour!)

at 11am this morning she was fast asleep because that little stinker is playing games and just likes to hear us all getting excited and running around for nothing!
Jordan took the worst time to let his hair down and thankfully he got away with it, they went out for what could be the last night out before the baby arrives and he drank too much, it would have been his silly fault if he had missed his baby being born but thankfully he didn't. I hope that was that and when that precious boy does decide to get himself born, Jordan will be ready and able to do what daddies have to do.
My phone is going to be pretty much attached to me from now on because every little change means he is nearer to being here and I don't want to miss a single moment of his getting ready.

I forgot!!

Ooh, can't stop am busy. Happily busy. My grandbaby is nearly here...0 weeks and just days and all that, he has a lovely bedroom but no pictures, his theme is Humphreys corner which is cute and splendid for a boy. Pictures cost more than we have and then I REMEMBERED!
I can draw! Ha! Imagine forgetting that, so am drawing pictures because Nana's have time to do that.
I forgot how much I love doing this and how much I used to do it, never bought a picture for my babies, I drew and I framed and I stood back and HUH'd because, really, am quite clever. ( if lacking in humility)
So, am busy, will take pictures of pictures if they are grand and show offy, I love being a Nana. Did I tell you that? Can you imagine what I will be like when he is actually born? ( clue= insufferable)

Oooooooh!

Look to the left! See that? ONE WEEK AND 0 DAYS! Jordan called AGAIN last night, well this morning, 1am. I had just gone upstairs to bed, ( I know, earlier and earlier every night it seems!) I have been taking the house phone upstairs with me, ( when we moved here I stopped having a phone upstairs, I lose count of the times my kids call just to chat just as I fall asleep, then I am awake for another who knows how many hours, I figure that if there is a real emergency someone will hammer on the door, no more phones in our bedroom) just in case Mel goes into labour in the night and I am needed as driver and/or interferer / hang arounder or even at the last minute, an impromptu doula, I could SO be a great doula. I could show Mel how to use the gas and air so it actually works and not just cause nausea.
side note, may be a lot of these**
I am brilliant with gas and air, after my surgeries I had such complications, I would need mini surgeries twice a day, opening and packing of wounds, debriding of nasty and horrible unhealing wounds etc I would be given a canister of that stuff and the nurses would toss coins to see who would do the procedure, so funny was I with a lung full of that magical laughing gas. Look mamby pamby half suckers, do it the right way! You get that nozzle,stick it between your teeth and then you suck in, huge gobfulls, and you don't let anyone touch you or even look at you until the whole world turns silver and disappears, and then they can do whatever they like to you and you won't feel a thing, contractions? Pah, I laugh in your face! Using a scalpel? Carry on dear fellow, invite your friends! They don't let you use gas and air in the US....meaners, not when you're having a baby, they don't. I remember the fear I felt when they told me that the day I was being induced with Seth....I had him without gas and air, without a single thing to help with the pain and that hurt, oh so much, there was much protesting and pleading with the Lord the day Seth came into the world, if I had had gas and air.....no worries. I had an epidural with Isaac because he was born 11 months after Seth and no matter what they tell you, you do not forget the pain that quickly, maybe you do but when faced with it again 11 months later you remember REALLY well and will ask for epidurals, drugs, cesareans, anything to avoid going through that again thankyouverymuch.
I really think I could be a doula, whether I could be of any use to Mel or not we will never know and I suspect I may be useless because I might just stand and blubber the whole time or I might just shout HURRY UP I want to SEE him. I almost wish that I wouldn't know she was in labour because I think the world will stand still and I will hold my breath until I hear that he is born and first labours can last so long. I don't know how Mel's mom can stand it, being in Turkey, missing these precious weeks and not being RIGHT here ready to rush and meet this glorious boy within minutes of his being born.
Oh Jordan was so touching yesterday when he told me that next week, on wednesday, if the baby isn't here yet, the midwife will sweep the memories. HA! Can you picture that? SWEEP.....well Melissa can you remember that? What about that time when .......??? Bless, Jordan often gets words wrong, he was known for it as a little boy and many of us still use the wrong words he used to use to this day, the sweeping of the memories will go down in our minds along with the many others he has made memorable.
It's late and so I am away to my bed, taking the phone with me, tomorrow is already here, another day gone and another day closer to the day that so many lives change and a new one begins, life, as they say, is grand.

Mother!

Where to begin? So much to say so many pictures to show, so much to remember. Blogs and cameras are vital on days like today because the details, the little things, the minutae, all must be recorded because it is all so glorious.

Another beautiful day or heat and sunshine, plans and promises. Mel's baby shower was this evening and it was a resiunding success.

The highlights for me were the fact that Jordans friends came, teens like him but carefree and without responsibility, typical 19/20 year olds, loud and funny and gloriously glorious. I love that they call me 'Mother'. "Mother? What game we playing next?" "Hey Mother! Did you make these cakes? If I come to your house once a week will you make me some?" " Mother!!! What we doin' next?"

I fell in love with one of them, on behalf of Sophie, who also hearted him a little bit







Look how cute he is, but he is shy and gentle and I think she would eat him alive! He hid when I took pictures and was shy about joining in, I hardly heard his voice and I had to admit that this was not the right boy for my daughter!



The tables were set..





















Jordan fired up the bar-b-que, the men were outside in the bright clear evening and then, without a bit of warning....there was one flash of lightening a colossal thunder clap and then rain the likes of which even we here in England haven't seen.

Jordan did not want to admit defeat, he stood outside with an umbrella and tried to keep that fire going! He had worked all day marinating, preparing, perfecting.....and then this rain....















We pursuaded him to bring the food in and cook inside..







The food was outstanding, delicious and beautifully cooked.







We played games...











And Jordan guessed spot on, 8 squares of toilet paper to go around Mel's 38 week belly ( and about the same to go round my thigh I would guess!)





Yes, the guess the favour diaper poop game, which was worryingly popular....





Sniff...





Mmmmmmmmm, pears!





Yum, banana custard!





Beer bottles ( with orange juice for Berian) Mike was so impressive, he just stuck that thing in his mouth and it emptied in seconds, he explained how he always did like to suck on a tit....and then was reminded that grandma was here and insisted he said teat.







Blue drinks!!





Big Teddies from Uncle Dan.





Little teddies in hand made cribs from Grandma ( great grandma to baby may be Joshua)







Chocolate teddies and sucker teddies...









Gramma wanted to see the baby's pram, so Jordan got it out and we watched as all the MEN ooohed and ahhhhhed and pushed it to see how smooth it was, how the handle adjusts for TALL people and down for small people.











And then there was gifts, not extravagant as in the US, but thoughtful and appreciated, often handmade and precious, we don't do showers really in the UK, babies recieve gifts after they are born and usually whatever the giver chooses, no such thing as registeries or lists.











The thing is, you can't take pictures to capture how that felt this evening, to stand back and watch, take pictures, and listen, hear girls telling Mel that she has to do everything to make sure she keeps a hold of Jordan, to hear grown women say that he is a glorious boy. He is, of course and he is happy, which is just about the most splendid part of it all.

I like the word Mother, if I had nothing else, having that name would be enough.