Ah, yes, I remember it well.

I can remember, way back when I was 15, experiencing my first taste of love. Not the mum and dad kind of love or the brother and sister kind of love, not that kind that was always available and taken for granted, no, I mean the real thing. The quivery bowel kind of love that is both awful and beautiful and by far, in it's newness the most exquisite kind of love.
As we get older we get cynical and wary, we meet people we think we can love and we hold back a bit and wait to see if this person will be kind to our heart, if they deserve our emotions and time. Not so when we first fling ourselves into REAL love. REAL love gets our all, it gets our heart and our mind, our every waking moment and our life long memory.
I didn't have clue about boys, I had a brother that annoyed me, poor David, all sisters and not an ally to be found. I look back now and am not surprised that he has nothing to do with us, that he warns his women about us and makes them afraid to meet us ( he has been with his partner now forever, probably 20 years, I think she quite likes us but we can't be sure because he won't come to visit if we are all en mass) I had a dad who was just dad, good old dad, kind and hard working and consistent, fiercely protective of our mum, only ever showing any signs of temper is we were brazen enough to say 'Shut up' or roll our eyes at our mum. I knew boys at school but good grief is they weren't stupid creatures. I spent more time with the boys at school than the girls because the girls were mean and I wasn't cool or popular and I was painfully shy and naive so the boys were friendly. the girls weren't, the boys weren't at all ones to make a girls heart skip a bit so I didn't understand them at all.
So when I was 15 and I suddenly got a stomach flip feeling when I saw this boy at church, I was a bit baffled, just for a moment and then I realised that this was *IT* you know, I was in LOVE.
Oh he was so grown up, 2 years older than me and he could drive, he even had a car, one of his own and I would watch from afar as he would walk into church with a huge grin and my stomach would flip and I would die a little inside because he didn't grin at me.
I can't remember ( and what a puzzle that is, you think I would have that memory imprinted on my heart for ever!) when that changed and when smiley man started to smile at me but he did and that smile was the best smile in the world. He sang, did smiley man. He sang and he played any instrument he put his mind to and he was good at it. I would listen to him sing and you know just what THAT did to my 15 year old heart. Oh please don't be still, my heart.
Somehow, we started to sing together, wherever and whenever we could, we would sing, mostly at church because they had a piano and no parents shouting at us to be quiet. Before church and after church and in the week when there wasn't church, we would sing and sometimes, smiley man would COME TO MY HOUSE!  We formed a group, as you do, and there were 3 men and 2 girls and we practised a lot. I can remember those times when we would practise and sometimes he would touch my arm and life would be worth living.
One day, he came to the house and the others weren't there so ....oh sweet joy....he took me out in his car. ME! I know, me in his car and then, he kissed me. They say you remember your first kiss and I do.
My mum, when I got home was furious, she told him that he had let her down and she would not trust him again, she told me that I had let myself down ( ouch, painful!) and that from now on, that young man would not be allowed in her house. The rule was that dating was not allowed until I was 16, he knew that, I knew that and we had blown it. Oh the angst and the weeping that followed ( me, not him, he was all grown up and nearly 18, he was a man of the world) My life was ruined of course, he would never want anything to do with me every again HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL MUM? My whole life ruined, for ever.
Except, as is the way of an 18 year old and a newly turned 16 year old, forbidden fruits are the sweetest and anyway I WAS 16 now and so she couldn't STOP ME. Except there wasn't anything to stop because apart from those few weeks of heavenly hand holding, a few lovely kisses that made me start to understand all that formerly vile birds and bees stuff, we soon learned that we were the best friends there ever could be and there didn't seem much point in going any further than that.
I remember a youth conference we went to, where I swear he sang to me, I knew he wasn't singing to his girlfriend because she was right there, near him and he was facing ME as he sang " It's only words" by the Bee Gees. He was such a smoothy that smiley man. Also, he had great arms.


So, he had girlfriends and I had boyfriends and we would tell each other how that was working for us and we'd sing. Boyfriends and girlfriends came and went and we still sang and saw each other, sometimes we wouldn't see each other for weeks and it didn't matter, suddenly there he was again or I would call him and we'd see each other and it was fine.
I met the first love for real and he met girls who kept him busy and happy and when I was 20, the first one I really loved and I broke up and I was so sad. Really sad, for real.
Smiley man was there, right there and he would come to the house where I lived as a nanny and he would sing, play the piano and he'd stay with me until fell asleep. Sometimes I got the idea that maybe he would be happy if we were more than friends but it didn't happen and he was, for real the best friend I ever had.
We wrote a song, smiley man and I, he wrote the music and I wrote the pain filled words and we even recorded 'Why must it be' in a recording studio, like actual stars.
He met someone and fell in love and even told me it was my fault for not agreeing to be his girlfriend, he would come over and tell me about her, he sang a song he wrote for her. Then she started to mind that he was my friend, bloody cheek! She started to demand that he have nothing to do with me and life got tough. Eventually she won and stupid woman got him to stay away, they married and I lost contact with him for a while, though his mum would tell me snippets and say how she liked me best. I saw him at his sisters wedding and he hadn't known I was coming, so his reaction was delightfully spontaneous and he was as happy to see me as I was to see him. I was married to the first one by then, I think, the first one didn't mind at all that smiley man and I were so thrilled to see each other after so long but I hear smiley man's unsmiling wife was not happy and he paid the price later.
He didn't stay with his unsmiling and unkind wife and the first one left me and suddenly there he was again, in a shiny car, with flowers, with help from his mum who found out where I was and told him. It was lovely to see him but I was sad and it had been so long and I don't think I even had any joy in me to show him. We lost touch and I moved here, there and everywhere and I thought of him sometimes.
Facebook is great, isn't it? I found him a few weeks ago and he sent me the link to his blog, I gave him mine ( I'll show you mine if you show me yours, right?) and so we have been able to catch up a bit. He reads my blog and he leaves comments and yesterday he told me to write a book.
This is for you smiley man...you start singing again and I'll write a book and then I'll show you mine if you show me yours. How's that for a deal?

Sixty Six.

Oh UP gramma!

Elijah the weary wizard.

Joshua, my grandbaby boy.

66 People at the party.
Roaring success.

Ears are still roaring.

Huge fun.

Huge mess.

Huge joy.

Worth every minute.

So. Some more CAPS and YELLING ( but happy yelling)

So, Seth went to camp. I thought I would vomit all sunday evening, awful. AWFUL.

Monday morning wasn't as bad for me because he was so excited, SO excited, couldn't wait excited. Hurry up and get me to school because I am going away excited. It's hard to weep and worry when faced with such glee and anticipation.

He would have liked us to drive up to the school gates and let him out, so great was his fear that someone ( me/ I) would break down and beg him to just "STAY WITH MUMMY! I WILL BUY YOU A NEW LIZARD IF YOU JUST STAY WITH ME!" Which I didn't because give me SOME credit, ( so DID kiss him though and make him hug me in that floppy arms at the side please don't let my friends be anywhere near and see THIS show of complete emotional nonsense way)

Seth has never been his age, sometimes I long to tell him to act his age but I don't think he can.

He doesn't play with toys, he actually doesn't own any toys really, he has 'to scale' replicas of dinosaurs and animals, which have always been loved and looked at and occasionally put into groups such as meat eaters and plant eaters and never the twain shall meet.

He is beginning to interact with boys his age and not seem like the midget adult showing them all how it should be done. Incredible to me that this skinny little twit, half the size of his peers commands such respect, I have yet to see anyone NOT do as he says. It's not that he is bossy as such as he just has this air of knowing his stuff and people believe him. His sense of humour is such that he manages to have people laughing as they do exactly as he says. Even here we notice that he sits while Isaac and Eli run around after him, we don't even know how he does it, we don't seem to hear he telling them to do it all.... this boy will go far in life if he manages to carry on in this fashion!

He is just beginning to talk to his friends in the same way they talk to him and it is fascinating, all that strutting and swaggering, the 'yeah' and "uh?" and that half sneer with a raised eyebrow as if they really don't care. Touching that the mention of ice cream will get me an enthusiastic reply until he remembers that being cool is how it is these days and he'll say " I suppose so" on the end.

He told me he loved me before he left, before he left the house that is, not right before he left, you know, for camp, with people around and all. The glorious thing about Seth is, he says it as it is, he is painfully and brutally honest, he doesn't get at all that people can ever be hurt emotionally from hearing the truth, what's bad about the TRUTH for heavens sake and he has often said to me, quite without guile " why do you ask questions you know you won't like the answers to?" Why indeed.

As he gets older and having had me say over and over again that sometimes, it is just kinder to think before we answer or tell people what we think, he is one step closer to that in that he will tell you what he thinks, honestly and then a day or two later he will amend what he said and walk away before you acknowledge he has done something kind ( because oh my hell don't do that emotional thing near me OK?) So he said " I love you mum, I do, actually I think I even love you THAT much" and he didn't even add " but you're still not getting my spine."

I love my children, all of them, I love them equally but in totally different ways, that is to say, if you put me in a room and told me I could only keep 5 of them, I wouldn't be able to tell you which one you could have ( although on any given day I am pretty sure I would be perfectly able to send at least one with you for a good long holiday, it would just differ every day as to which one that would be) Some of my children are undoubtedly easier to live with than others and Seth would most definitely not fall into that category, he is not easy to live with, at all.

Some of my children are easier to like than others because they are so amenable and easy going. Seth would not fall into THAT category either.

Some of my children are funnier than the others and THIS is Seth's category, Seth and Jordan win this prize and the others aren't too far behind but Seth, I think is top dog.

Daniel and Jordan are hysterical, they are quick and irreverent and funnier than anyone else I have ever met, as adults, I can't remember when they started being so funny, I know that at family gatherings people always want to be where they can see and hear them together and they never disappoint, they are completely unafraid of looking like idiots. Seth absolutely holds his own when he is with them, it's as though all 3 forget he is just 9, a little chap, a squirt. He has the greatest laugh, he sounds like a little old lady, this high pitched chuckling laugh. He adores being around Dan and always has, from being a tiny baby, Dan was his friend and so when they are together and Dan and Jordan are teasing and laughing and forgetting that Seth is 9, you will often hear this delightful squealing laugh as he gets the joke that is more often than not so completely inappropriate for someone who is 42lbs soaking wet and stands just over 4' tall.

I wish I could sell tickets for a day out with my family. I am so excited for next year ( this time next year actually!) when Jenn and Cathy come over because I simply cannot wait to go out with all my children and watch what happens. I love that Mel fits in so completely, she is one of us ( although rather more refined if truth be told, but don't worry, we'll drag her down soon enough)

We are missing Seth because he is such a huge character but I must admit we are also enjoying the simplicity of these few days without his obstreperous ways, he can argue with a breeze block. He thrives on picking a fight and and proving his point. He is quite exhausting in the most delightful way.

2 days down, 3 to go.

I miss you Seth Ammon.

Isaac, my Isaac is 8.
It seems like yesterday that he came into the world after a gloriously pain free labour, my only one with an epidural. I read the 2nd Bridget Jones diary while I laboured, in perfect peace, all alone. The nurse came to do one of her checks and told me I was fully dilated, the baby was high though so she told me that it would be a while before he was born, I explained that if I was at 10cm, this baby would be out in minutes...she did that infuriating thing of sighing and said " No honey, this baby is too high, he could be a while" She had me turn onto my side, put an oxygen mask on me, walked away and as she left she knocked the buzzer onto the floor, then she shut the door.
I was facing the monitor that was registering my contractions and Isaac's heartbeat and I saw that his heartbeat had gone down to 55 beats a minute, hmm....not going up...hey, epidural or not I feel a head...."HEY!!! HELLO!!!!! EXCUSE ME!!!! The baby is coming out! The BABY IS COMING OUT!" I could hear the nurses right outside my door, talking in a regular voice, I dragged the mask off my face and I screamed bloody murder "MY BABY IS COMING OUT!!!! HEEEEEEEEELP! HEY! His heartbeat is REALLY LOW and he is COMING OUT!
At last I felt someone behind me ( I was facing away from the door by the way) and I was so relieved, it was H, I had called him when they said I was at 10cm, he came to the hospital and left his big boy Rob with Seth in the hallway, I told him the baby was coming out and I had been screaming and no-one was coming, he wasn't convinced that the baby really was coming and so I said "look, look and see if you can see anything!" So he did, and indeed he did see a head..still in the sac.. " Oh geez, OK, hang on" He went outside and in seconds a whole herd of midwives ran in, they saw what H had seen, one ran out to grab the nearest doctor and told me to push as hard as I could because this baby was in trouble and needed to come out NOW. ( really? As opposed to like 15 minutes ago while I was screaming the place down and you just kept yakking outside the door?) They popped the bag and I pushed and he shot out like a bullet.
He was born not breathing and without a heartbeat, they were scared, I was scared and also really REALLY angry.
They got him breathing and whisked him away telling me that he had to be monitored for at least 3 hours. They didn't have a room ready for me so I was just going to go 'in here' until a room was available.
'In here' was a store cupboard. Bandages and spare stuff, packs of this and rolls of that.
3 hours is an awfully long time to be in a cupboard without your baby and no-one to talk to.
I spent the time trying to remember the fleeting glimpse of baby they had flashed me as they took my new baby away. I knew he was dark, darker than Seth who had been very fair and with little hair. I remembered he had very dark hair and beautiful olive skin.
I wondered what his name should be and suddenly I knew he should be Isaac.
I wondered if H would be back soon, I tried not to cry because I was so far away from home, I was living with H, Seth, Sophie, Rob, at H's house and his brother lived there too. I loathed that man, he made me cry pretty much every single day I lived there. He was more spiteful than any woman I have ever encountered and that includes the mean girl at school who made my life a living hell. That man took his misery out on my kids and on me, he would follow me around the house when H was out, muttering such mean things, he would tell me lies about H . Anyway ( whee that was a tangent wasn't it? Perhaps I am not quite as over that as I thought!) At about 7 o'clock, after 2 hours in the cupboard, the door opened and H popped his head around the door, I was so happy to see him, he said that his dad, brother, oldest son, nephew and Seth were here too and where was the baby? I told them he was in the nursery being watched carefully, " Oh, great...." and they left.
Without coming back. At all.
I got a room and eventually they brought Isaac to me, he cried, oh how he cried, I cried too, as much as he did and I waited, in that room, with not a soul, not a card, a flower, a visit.
I poked my head around the door to see if there was any sign of life anywhere and it was like a whole other world out there. People with helium balloons and flowers, happy waddling ladies with family and friends and sweet sleeping babies, I shut the door so quickly and I looked at the jug of water on my bedside table and I thought about how, if I had been here, at home, in England, how I would have visitors and flowers and people smiling at me as though I had done something clever and miraculous and splendid. Then I cried a bit more.
And Isaac cried.
At 9pm, I called the house and asked H if he was coming back at all. He asked me if I wanted him to, as though that was a weird sort of request made out of hormonal instability.
"Well, yes, I would like that, I know you saw the baby and I know you have had a busy time, going out to eat and celebrate and everything but hello? Yes, come here, now!"
**I think H had a huge case of post partum arseholeness, I hear some men get that and he had the worst case ever recorded. It lasted a long while and if I even begin to record anything on here I might then be transported back in time, forget it is in the past and go upstairs and hit him really hard, while he sleeps with a brick. Twice.
Isaac screamed for 5 and a half months.
Seth was 11 months when Isaac was born.
We all lived in one room, one 12ft by 8ft room. A double bed and a cot and a pack and play.
Memories. I had postpartum apathy, that was a blessing I tell you, whenever I felt anything akin to anger....meh, can't be bothered. Apart from with the Brother in Law, I went from a tongue biting, long suffering victim of incessant bullying to giving as good as I got, H's dad and even H were unaware of what was happening, they would see that the idiot and I wouldn't speak to each other and I would occasionally, over dinner I might say things like " How was your day? Oh that's good, lovely weather we're having and Oh and by the way, I hate your brother, you may come home and find him dead one day, more green beans?"
Other than that, I loved my babies, I would put them in the double stroller and we walked for miles and miles every day, anything to stay out of that house, to avoid that miserable shite who worked 1 or 2 days a week and the rest of the time picked on me.
One day, I was on the phone to my mum, here in England, he had this thing about my using the phone. H and I paid the phone bill, we used the phone and internet and because I would call my mum, it seemed fair that we paid the bill. H's dad wouldn't ever take money from us, so I would look for the bill and pay it without him ever seeing it. Anyway this one day he followed me around the house as I spoke to my mum, he was an inch away from my back and he was hissing " on the phone to England again are you? 27 minutes, any idea who much you are costing my dad? Get off the phone, he'll be home in a minute you think he likes coming home to see you and those brats here every day, day in day out? Get off the phone....." I ignored him, I walked around the house and everywhere I went, there he was.
I went into the tiny pantry / laundry room and I was trying to tell my mum what was happening, he followed me in there and I was pushed against the washing machine and then something in me snapped. I stood up straight and I said to my mum " Oh sorry mum, you didn't hear what I said when I was whispering? I was telling you that H's brother is following me around and hissing at me....I'll call you back later, right now I am going to hurt him.....bye!"
And I threw the phone down and turned to face him......well what do you know? He'd gone, he'd heard what I said and run, he RAN into his room and locked the door. I hammered on his door and then I took as many steps back as I could, it's a small house...and then I ran and I picked up both feet and threw myself against his door....just as it flew open, H walked in through the door. Who knows what I might have done had H not walked in. It did result in my telling both him and his dad what had been going on and also explaining that I would not be cooking for, speaking to or acknowledging him in anyway from then on. I was true to my word.
Hello tangent, we're having fun this evening aren't we?
Isaac was a tough baby, now I look back I can understand why, poor little thing, all that stress and he must have sensed it all. Me and him against the world, having who can cry the most competitions from 5am until midnight every day. At 5 and a half months, he woke up as happy as a clam and he has been a veritable delight ever since.
He had such a lovely birthday, he had 3 of his most longed for model cars ( " Oh a FERRARI! This day cannot get any better!) he had money in one of his cards ( the last one he opened, he opened the others and said "hmm, don't people know about putting money in cards? Then he opened gramma's and said " There you go! That's what I'm talking about, SHE knows how to do it!)
Then we told him to go and wake Elijah up quietly, while he was upstairs we brought his bike in, and leant it against the foot stool in the front room. He has seen this bike online and shown me the picture over and over. We went to get an inner tube for H's bike this week and he ran in saying " OH! I can show you that bike for real, not just a picture! He ran around the bike shop and then said " Oh, it's gone, someone must have bought it, never mind"
When he came back in he gasped and said " Is that MINE? and over and over he said " Yes! YES" Finally, YES!" He kissed the seat and he stroked it and he sighed many times.


He is so cool, isn't he?

** Happy to report that H recovered from his PPA and became quite the nicest H that he is today, brother in law is still an idiot but so far away it couldn't matter less. All in all I think things have turned out pretty well. Jolly good.

I am sure I have written all this before, poor Isaac, he gets a whiny old self pitying post every year on his birthday. Isaac if you ever read this, you are so worth it, you are a glorious and splendid boy.
Happy Birthday my Isaac, I love you.

A second childhood?

It's tomorrow you know. TOMORROW..my birthday.
I am so excited I almost went to bed at 7pm so that it would come quicker. I have NO idea why I am excited, my birthday is renowned for being a non event, seriously uncelebrated but this year, I don't care to remember every other year I am excited to have my birthday and it began early...Jordan came by with beautiful flowers, cards and $50 for me to spend in Boston.
Is it weird for your child to give you cash on your birthday? I loved it, have to say. My house is quite little and it is full to bursting with stuff, I really don't need anything so to have some money to take with me on my holiday is great! I can buy all kinds of treats over there.
Elijah is excited because once my birthday is over it's his next....he asked me if, because it is my birthday would I like them to take me to the park tomorrow. I think I might take them up on that and allow them to make me a picnic to take ( and we shall not believe the heavy rain forecast either!) that would be fun, for them to do the running around.
I am going to see 'My sister's keeper' in the late afternoon with my sisters and friends, we shall eat after the film and I suspect a great time will be had by all.
I think I am excited, not because it is my birthday as such but just a lovely feeling of knowing I have had another year to live and to experience all that life has to offer. the older I get the more I appreciate the wonders of life.
I have more time to enjoy life, the boys are growing so beautifully, there are at an age that I would love to freeze, old enough that they can be out and about and responsible enough that I don't have to follow their every step, we can sit at the park and they can play while I read.
They are young enough that they go to bed between 8 and 9pm, they have time outs for misbehaviour, we are still very much in charge.
I have time to enjoy my friends and such wonderful ones they are too.
I have always been so lucky to have great friends, from a little girl I had best friends, people to share secrets with, to have sleepovers and make memories with.
I have friends that I have known since I was a young thing, way back when there weren't computers. I have newer friends that I met online ...some I have never met in person but I forget that, so many experiences shared, pregnancies, births, miscarriages, you name it, we have shared it, it doesn't make any difference that we haven't met in person.
Then we have the friends I have met...and what a joy that is.
I love feeling that my birthday is something to celebrate, I love being here, I like what the next year promises.
It's my brother's birthday tomorrow as well, imagine that....how kind of him to share his birthday with me, I arrived on his second birthday and our little sister, Jane, arrived the day after my 4th birthday. It's a busy time, and a tradition I seem to have carried on, my mum had 3 children with a clump of a birthday, I did the same thing.
We are about to start our birthday clump, with mine at the start ( as it should be of course )
Let the party begin.

Be still my soul.

Yesterday, my friends asked me to go with them to the beach...after school, on an actual school day, in the evening, on the spur of the moment.

And I did.

And my H did.

He took his shoes off.

There was the glorious feeling of doing whatever felt good at the time...

There was walking....

And capturing of memories.

And running .....

And finding treasure, like dead crabs.




And stinky fish....

Sandy snot....

And glorious people.

There was rock climbing and exploring....

And LIVE crabs and little fish. Big boys to show them....

And there were a few moments of perfect bliss.

And we stayed, on a school night, until the sun set.....

And I know, really know, that this is what I need.

How lucky I am that it is all here and I am here.....gratitude by the bucketful.

In the wars...

So, last evening, on a whim, H and I ( yes both of us, at the same time! I know!) took Seth and Isaac to the theatre. In the evening, later than bedtime! On a school night...can you even begin to count all those breaking with routine rules right there? Can you? I have been out of sorts all day today trying to recover from such excitement.
We broke all the rules because I noticed late on sunday evening that the Princess theatre was running a HORRIBLE HISTORIES show. Seth has every Horrible Histories book, magazine, chart, fact file, you name it, he has it and he has read and reread and laughed and read again. HE loves these books, how could we NOT take him? We didn't take Elijah because he is a delightful girlie squealer, he is scared of noises, dark things, animals, sweet puppies, kittens and blades of grass. He would not have had fun.
We read that not only was this to be a show, but also, there would be 3D special effects.
Perfect.
So, to make sure we got seats because Devon is so full of history freaks and geeky kids, I went online immediately and purchased tickets.
Hmmm, wanting to do this properly, I went right for the best seats, balked a little at the price and then told myself to get over it, once in a blue moon would this chance come along, hit the click button....I did and then, to my absolute indignation, I saw that they wanted, on top of the price to charge an extra 25% as an administration fee! WHAT? No option to print the tickets and bring them with me, they wanted me to pay that extra so they could print the ticket and have me go and collect them before we went to the show. If I walked in and bought the tickets before the show they wouldn't charge that extra 25%... the miser in me just would not part with that money. Nope, not me.
I bought the cheaper tickets and paid a smaller admin fee and was still cross, but less so. Administration fee my arse.
So, such excitement, Isaac was more excited than Seth ( it seemed, although in truth, Seth is just a cool dude, he is controlled and unwilling to show his glee) Isaac made it very clear that his was HORRIBLE histories and he was very keen to know if there was going to be blood and people dying, he really WANTED to know that because there wasn't any point going if no-one dies, terribly and in a bloody manner.
We went to a cafe and had some dinner before the show, then we went and picked our tickets up. After I bought the tickets, they showed me a seating plan ( too late!) and it was a very poor picture and I couldn't quite see the letters etc, I stared at it and I tried to see where our seats were but I couldn't work it out at all. I wasn't too worried because the theatre isn't too big and I knew that we would be able to see the stage wherever we were. ( shows how much I know!)
We went in, were showed to our seats....... well, have you ever felt like a social outcast? We watched everyone else come in and walk to the front, centre, great seats, they all went to the same place, every one of them.
I laughed and kept asking H if we really were the only cheap people in Devon because, well...look


See? Look at us all at the back and over to the side and far far away from the posh people, the ones who didn't sniff at paying 25% extra for administration fees.

We waited until the lights went down and we scuttled down with the posh people, sat right in there with them, like we belonged!
It was such fun, we saw an amputation with cracking and sawing noises, blood and gore ( and Isaac saying " THIS is what I came here for!"



We jumped at 3D rats and lice, Isaac will tell you that he got a bullet from a tank right in his forehead. The best part was watching the boys, Seth was SO enthusiastic, it was an audience participation show and he yelled, stood up, sang, clapped and he loved it, was actually even worth the extra 25% .... almost, I feel sort of smug that we dodged that and still got a great seat!

A time and a season.

I had a beautiful day today, in fact, so far this week has been wonderful. I am tired of being overwhelmed by the boys, they outnumber us and of late they have been winning! I decided that this time, with 2 weeks off school, we would win. I would plan and be ready for the little gits and would not find myself feeling completely bedraggled and worn down.
What a triumph it has been, I can scarcely remember enjoying their company so much for a long time.
On Monday, we made stuff, delicious stuff, Easter goodies. More than any other time of year, Easter makes me see what I have to be grateful for, so many things.
When I was growing up, the most memorable thing about any holiday was always seeing my mum busy, she always made such beautiful gifts for people and was so engaged in making sure so many other people had something to remember, a memory and a moment where they felt thought of, remembered, cherished. I love knowing that about my mum and especially that it was EVERY holiday, EVERY special day. We never knew who these treats were for, where they went, who got them....we just saw how hard she worked and how completely she gave of herself.
I want my children to remember the same of me. I want for them to grow old and STILL see me doing it, I want them to desire to do the same and so when there is a holiday we make beautiful things and always on a monday, we deliver them. I love that they get the joy of giving, that they can't wait for it to be THEIR turn to ting the bell and hand over the goodies.
This week we thought of all those people that work to make our lives easier, the church leaders who miss time with their families so we can attend meetings, people who visit us every month without fail just to see if we are OK, aunties who teach us at church. ( and Grammas who just 'are') We had a great day making and a splendid evening delivering.









On tuesday, we drove to Cornwall. We ( Sophie and I) took the boys to where we were living when I met H, we showed them the house and the park right outside the house, we took them to the places I used to take Sophie, Dan and Jordan when they were little. I remembered and I was almost shocked by how old Seth looks lately, how grown up and I took pictures that when I looked at them later, made me sad because he even sits like a big kid now.....





See what I mean?



I loved this house, I did, it was my pride and joy and I never walked into it without feeling I was at home. I left it to marry H and I don't regret it at all. It's lovely to visit old places and remember all the times you had there.

On wednesday, I paid Sophie to take the boys out on a picnic. Genius! Then she took Seth and Elijah to Jordan and Mel's for a Bar-B-Q. She didn't take Isaac because on the way home from the park, he ran away. Tired of the company of so many ( Mel, Jordan, Josh, Sophie's friend and her little sister, Mel's friend and her baby) weary of it all he ran home, crossed roads, bolted out from between cars and scared the very life out of all the adults.
I was shopping and H was napping, Jordan ran like the devil and found him already at home, when I came back he ran to me, sweaty headed and asked if I would please just squeeze his head. He spent a couple of hours with H and I, he cleaned windows and scrubbed various objects out in the yard, glorious solitary activities that calmed his soul and quietened his spirit.
Later, we were able to explain why he can't keep running away because although we know HE knows the way home, he doesn't know who he will meet along the way or what might happen on the roads that he ran across.

I am concerned ( on a side note) about H lately, he is even more withdrawn and unwilling to leave the house, apart from the odd walk to Asda to pick up bread. He will walk the boys to school and that's it. Church on Sunday, nothing else. He isn't sleeping at night and is sleeping too much in the day. He is so rigidly in a routine that it disrupts any thought of a family day out.

Anyway, today, Sophie and I took the boys to the Aquarium in Plymouth, what a glorious day.
The boys have been divine, so happy to be entertained, busy, organised and ferried hither and thither, they have been funny and have been a joy to be near.
We spent about 2 hours in the car driving there and back and places in between and we sang, all kinds of songs from Queen, we will rock you, to songs from 'A sound of music" we were happy and we knew it and we clapped our hands, we sang Old Mac Donald and of course the chorus, in our house, is ALWAYS "Eli- Eli -Oh"
I laughed so hard when this song came on the iPod that I swear I popped something in my nether regions....I think my womb almost shot out there for a moment!


Isn't that laugh just the best ever? That's a real belly laugh that is, I love it! The fact that the boys laughed and Sophie laughed made me laugh even harder.

Sophie and I went shopping with Seth later this afternoon, on the way home, I was so overwhelmed by what a lovely time I have had this week that I quite suddenly and without much warning, burst into tears.
'What's the matter?' asked Sophie, in consternation.
"Oh....oh, I've had such a lovely day and soon, you'll all be grown up and have your own lives and no-one will ever want to go out with me, I'll be stuck at home with H sitting in an old chair, probably wearing a cardigan and he'll be telling me how much curry sauce is at Somerfields but he won't actually want to go out and buy any, you'll all be having a lovely life and sometimes you'll take me out because you feel sorry for me and you'll get cross because I am slow and need to pee every 5 minutes ( this is where Sophie pointed out that I am already like that, which brought on a new snot cry fest)he doesn't want to go anywhere with me and it doesn't matter now but when you're all grown up ( she's 20 for heavens sake! She still likes coming everywhere with me!)it will be me and him and he'll get cross because I bet I am a fat old cripple and end up needing him to get out anywhere and he'll tell me I don't NEED to go there and we're fine right here and we'll sit and watch 'Diagnosis Murder' and I'll be watching for ideas of how to get away with throttling him and hiding his cardigan somewhere no-one will ever find it ( and he doesn't have a cardigan, I bet he WILL though, I bet he will) I will live for sundays because I will get to go to church and see all the young people who will ignore me or do that patronising patting thing ( and actually, in truth, I didn't really say ALL this at the time, I am just getting carried away with the theme in the right here and now)
Eventually I calmed down and from the back of the car came a little voice that said "I'll buy you a lovely new frock every now and then so you feel nice, you're right though, I probably won't take you anywhere"
"Seth", I asked, " does it worry you when I cry?"
He thought for a nanosecond and then said
" Hmm, well, the level is so minute as to not even have a number"
Such compassion from one so young!

Do you want pictures of the Aquarium and lunch at Pizza hut? Here you go then.


How great are my kids?








( Isaac just loved those sharks)





Is there anymore fun to be had than getting your own whippy ice cream?


Why, yes, Eating it!




Or just covering it so many toppings that you can't even think of eating it but you admire it as a thing of beauty!

When I had a bath this evening, I got to thinking about how soon, my kids WILL be grown but I have a grandbaby, there will be more and I will take THEM out and then, well then, how much more glorious will it be because I shall take them out and when we are done, I shall take them home and drop them off and I won't have to feed them or bath them, I shall wave them goodbye and go home and sit next to H, in his cardigan and I shall tell him all about it while he nods and doesn't hear a word. I shall make a nice tea and watch Coronation street, I shall put my feet up and look around my tidy house ( with the exception of the area around H which will, I am sure be as cluttered and chaotic as it is now, perhaps either dustier or less dusty, I haven't decided yet whether I shall be a slummocky old lady or a dusting devil with anti macassars on her paisley couch. I think I shall be shiny and everything in it's placey, time yet to decide)
There's a time and a season for everything, I am sad as the time for me to have young and tiny children is hastening past but I can look foward to all the joys to come.