Fun and other stuff.

When I wrote that last post, did I make it sound as though I was taking a break? Sorry about that, I was just berating the fact that I am boring myself, I didn't for a moment mean I was about to stop boring myself. In actual fact, not 20 minutes after I posted I came back because I thought of something to say, I typed for ever and a moment and I tell you, I was hysterical! Oh I waxed lyrical and explained all about the parent teacher appointments we had, just as I was about to hit 'post' Internet Explorer died, when it came back, the post was gone, the first part was saved, the best part? Gone for ever. Sad, because oh it was so funny! One of my best, naturally!
I'm not sure I can stand to write it all again, though I should because I know when these boys are all old and uncommunicative, grunting monosyllabic answers to my inquiries about their days I might want to look back on these days, where their teachers are so thrilled with them and remember just how these days are.
Seth, well we all know he is smart and this new teacher knows it too, the marvellous thing is, she isn't quite as bowled over by him, don't get me wrong, she is impressed and she is completely enamoured of his sweetness ( because he is incredibly sweet with his teachers) and she had only great things to say about him but she also listened to us, usually his teachers don't listen to us because they are so busy saying how clever he is. This time, I was thrilled when she listened to us and then asked " do you think there is more in there that he isn't sharing?" Oh there is SO much more to Seth, he is inordinately lazy and he does just enough work to impress and get by, she did say that his writing and presentation is lacking ( heh, he works so quickly because there is STUFF TO DO! Must get STUFF DONE! Funny because he actually does not ever hurry for anyone else but himself, he is always last ready every day, always the last out of the house when we go anywhere, always 'just doing' something so that we wait, and we wait.)
He is funny and polite and hard working and clever, also kind and friendly. Splendid.
Isaac, oh my Isaac, whenever I write or talk about Isaac it seems obligatory to say Isaac, Oh my Isaac, just like that because he is just my heart. He sat in with us as we spoke to his new teacher and he sat opposite her and he never took his eyes off her face. I watched her watching him and I knew that she loves him, I could also see that he trusts her and I suspect that this year, she will manage to get him to do things he has never tried before.
She told us his results of reading and spelling and comprehension testing, as did Seth's teacher and they are both at the same level, for reading they are at the level expected of an 11 year and 3 month old child, spelling and comprehension they are both at 13 years and 2 months, which is pretty impressive, if you ask me, even if you don't ask me, it is pretty impressive.
Isaac is very conscientious, he works hard and writes beautifully but the content of what he writes, unless it is factual and answering specific questions, is lacking, bless his heart he is not a story teller.
Elijah Henry, aged 6 years and 3 months, is quiet, in fact worryingly quiet we are told and his teacher says that she has no idea what his likes and dislikes are and she has no idea of any opinions he might have. Oh dear.
She did ask him what he thinks of year 2 and he replied " It's brilliant" and she asked if he had any worries and he said "Yeth, I do"
"Oh Eli, what are they? Can I help?"
"No, It'th OK now becoth my lizard was lotht and now he came back but that wath definitely a worry"
Bloody thing escpaed again today, I swear if I wake up with that thing on my face I will not recover.
I say " Oh dear" when speaking of Eli's teacher and her lack of knowledge regarding his opinions on anything because I suspect he hasn't any and that would be because of me.
Elijah is a divine lump of carefree nonsense. He could care less if he wears Seth's shoes to school, in fact he tries to do that as often as he can get away with it. He will wear odd socks, eat breakfast for dinner, he wears mismatched pyjamas, clothes that look like he specifically planned to look as though he was determined to wear as many colours as he could find.
He spills things and says " Oh, never mind"
He eats what he is given and he doesn't care what time he is given it.
Last year we noticed, horror or horrors that he was beginning to say things like " I don't like" and " I don't want to" he would state a preference for certain clothing and in my panic that there goes my one and only non freaky, not uptight, carefree and hippylike soul, I found myself saying " Oh no! You DON'T like that" or " Nuh uh! You don't mind AT ALL" and I think that he must have given in, without any fight, just sighed in his little heart and decided that he probably didn't care at all.
I adore this little man, with his chimney sweep brush hair and his big ears, I hate to think I might have stunted his personality in anyway and so I have been making an effort to ask him what he likes and how he likes things, seems he actually doesn't seem to care, he really is quite happy to flop about and take what comes his way. I do think though that he is beginning to feel as though he isn't up to scratch and he needs an incredible amount of praise for the slightest thing he does. That is no hardship at all because every smidgen of praise is so gratefully accepted and his little face lights up, always so eager to please he is probably the most affable of my children.
He is very keen to be a boy witch for Halloween, not a wizard you understand but a boy witch and so a Boy witch he shall be, I bought his costume today and he looks divine, though grumpy in it, I hope that he will be happier on the day.
We are in full speed ahead for our annual Halloween party, this year I have planned and am ready for the invasion, we are prepared and looking forward to a really great party, I can't wait to get started decorating. The boys have next week off school so we are going to be taking all week to make the house ready for 6.30 on saturday 31st Oct.
Bring it on.

So. Some more CAPS and YELLING ( but happy yelling)

So, Seth went to camp. I thought I would vomit all sunday evening, awful. AWFUL.

Monday morning wasn't as bad for me because he was so excited, SO excited, couldn't wait excited. Hurry up and get me to school because I am going away excited. It's hard to weep and worry when faced with such glee and anticipation.

He would have liked us to drive up to the school gates and let him out, so great was his fear that someone ( me/ I) would break down and beg him to just "STAY WITH MUMMY! I WILL BUY YOU A NEW LIZARD IF YOU JUST STAY WITH ME!" Which I didn't because give me SOME credit, ( so DID kiss him though and make him hug me in that floppy arms at the side please don't let my friends be anywhere near and see THIS show of complete emotional nonsense way)

Seth has never been his age, sometimes I long to tell him to act his age but I don't think he can.

He doesn't play with toys, he actually doesn't own any toys really, he has 'to scale' replicas of dinosaurs and animals, which have always been loved and looked at and occasionally put into groups such as meat eaters and plant eaters and never the twain shall meet.

He is beginning to interact with boys his age and not seem like the midget adult showing them all how it should be done. Incredible to me that this skinny little twit, half the size of his peers commands such respect, I have yet to see anyone NOT do as he says. It's not that he is bossy as such as he just has this air of knowing his stuff and people believe him. His sense of humour is such that he manages to have people laughing as they do exactly as he says. Even here we notice that he sits while Isaac and Eli run around after him, we don't even know how he does it, we don't seem to hear he telling them to do it all.... this boy will go far in life if he manages to carry on in this fashion!

He is just beginning to talk to his friends in the same way they talk to him and it is fascinating, all that strutting and swaggering, the 'yeah' and "uh?" and that half sneer with a raised eyebrow as if they really don't care. Touching that the mention of ice cream will get me an enthusiastic reply until he remembers that being cool is how it is these days and he'll say " I suppose so" on the end.

He told me he loved me before he left, before he left the house that is, not right before he left, you know, for camp, with people around and all. The glorious thing about Seth is, he says it as it is, he is painfully and brutally honest, he doesn't get at all that people can ever be hurt emotionally from hearing the truth, what's bad about the TRUTH for heavens sake and he has often said to me, quite without guile " why do you ask questions you know you won't like the answers to?" Why indeed.

As he gets older and having had me say over and over again that sometimes, it is just kinder to think before we answer or tell people what we think, he is one step closer to that in that he will tell you what he thinks, honestly and then a day or two later he will amend what he said and walk away before you acknowledge he has done something kind ( because oh my hell don't do that emotional thing near me OK?) So he said " I love you mum, I do, actually I think I even love you THAT much" and he didn't even add " but you're still not getting my spine."

I love my children, all of them, I love them equally but in totally different ways, that is to say, if you put me in a room and told me I could only keep 5 of them, I wouldn't be able to tell you which one you could have ( although on any given day I am pretty sure I would be perfectly able to send at least one with you for a good long holiday, it would just differ every day as to which one that would be) Some of my children are undoubtedly easier to live with than others and Seth would most definitely not fall into that category, he is not easy to live with, at all.

Some of my children are easier to like than others because they are so amenable and easy going. Seth would not fall into THAT category either.

Some of my children are funnier than the others and THIS is Seth's category, Seth and Jordan win this prize and the others aren't too far behind but Seth, I think is top dog.

Daniel and Jordan are hysterical, they are quick and irreverent and funnier than anyone else I have ever met, as adults, I can't remember when they started being so funny, I know that at family gatherings people always want to be where they can see and hear them together and they never disappoint, they are completely unafraid of looking like idiots. Seth absolutely holds his own when he is with them, it's as though all 3 forget he is just 9, a little chap, a squirt. He has the greatest laugh, he sounds like a little old lady, this high pitched chuckling laugh. He adores being around Dan and always has, from being a tiny baby, Dan was his friend and so when they are together and Dan and Jordan are teasing and laughing and forgetting that Seth is 9, you will often hear this delightful squealing laugh as he gets the joke that is more often than not so completely inappropriate for someone who is 42lbs soaking wet and stands just over 4' tall.

I wish I could sell tickets for a day out with my family. I am so excited for next year ( this time next year actually!) when Jenn and Cathy come over because I simply cannot wait to go out with all my children and watch what happens. I love that Mel fits in so completely, she is one of us ( although rather more refined if truth be told, but don't worry, we'll drag her down soon enough)

We are missing Seth because he is such a huge character but I must admit we are also enjoying the simplicity of these few days without his obstreperous ways, he can argue with a breeze block. He thrives on picking a fight and and proving his point. He is quite exhausting in the most delightful way.

2 days down, 3 to go.

I miss you Seth Ammon.

I'm not sure I like this.

This....the big kid, the one whose feet stink and who will spend 30 minutes trying to explain why he DOES NOT NEED A SHOWER, who has an attack of the vapours should I mention putting his clothes into the wash, yet spends an inordinate amount of time getting that quiff just right every morning. The hair is his trade mark, he loves the hair, he likes it cut every 3-4 weeks, short everywhere but that bit right in front that is dampened and then gelled with such care each and every morning.



When did he stop being a teeny little brainiac, who would open his mouth and astound anyone within earshot? When did he start using that brain and that mouth to drive me near insane? He will argue black is white, he is by far the most argumentative and stubborn little git I have ever come across. The worst part is he is SO smart, there is no winging it with this boy, one step ahead or you're going to get trampled.
I am sweating because I am pretty sure that at the age of 8 years and 7 months I am no longer able to use the " Because I said so" card. That doesn't work with Seth, he needs REAL reasons. Reasonable and acceptable reasons why he should, or shouldn't do a certain thing. The problem with THAT is that there never IS a reasonable and acceptable reason for Seth if he doesn't want to do them.

He is incredibly clever, exceptionally polite to teachers and older people, he is a popular and funny friend...and he brings out the very best and the very worst in me.

Today I remembered that he is 8 years old, he weighs 45lbs, he is not the boss of ME!

I picked him up from school and yet again, because ( due to rain and wind and COLDNESS) we were not staying behind for him to play basketball with the big kids, he started his tirade of how unfair this was, how thoughtless I am, how miserable and dull and deprived his life is. He whined and answered back, he stomped and picked on his brothers, he riled Elijah until Eli kicked and punched him.

I walked to the car and told the boys that they had blown the thursday Mac Donald's trip. Suddenly he was sorry and Eli was sad, Isaac just did what Isaac does and he sat in the car and sighed a bit and kept his mouth shut.

Seth continued all the way home to try and make me understand the error of my ways, right as we reached our road, Eli said " I am sorry, if I am a good boy tomorrow, maybe can I have Mcdonalds tomorrow?" I told him that that was indeed a possibility for him because he had apologised and he had been a good boy in the car, I also said that that wasn't a possibility for Seth because he had NOT been a good boy and he had been so rude and so disrespectful that his chance was blown until next week..and even then it was not a definite.

He was furious and said " Oh there you go again..showing us just how selfish you are"

Oh yes, he DID.

I pulled up outside our house and said " Isaac, stay in the car"

"Why?"

"Because we are going back to Mcdonalds, you have been a superb boy, we can drop Seth off and Eli off and we can go back"

Oh my goodness.

Seth just about blew a gasket, Eli was a little sad but reminded himself that if he is a good boy tomorrow maybe it would be his turn then but Seth? He could only see the INJUSTICE and the outright favouritism, he wept and he said how sorry he was that Isaac was a creep and he so WAS sorry for being rude because why else was he crying, look REALLY CRYING!

He cried in the car and he cried when we got into the house, he cried all the way upstairs with H following him saying that he could make that noise in his room as long as he liked but he cure wasn't going to make it anywhere near him, he cried when I went back to the car and guess what? He cried again when we came home!

Seems he had stopped while Isaac and I were out, Isaac chose to go to Asda and pick up 2 new cars instead of going to Mac D's because he so loves Eli that eating without him wasn't going to be fun for him, so he chose 2 new cars and said " If Eli has stopped all that nonsense when we get home he can play with me"

When we got home and Seth saw that Isaac had new TOYS that he could " rub my face in that for days!" I'm afraid it was all too much for him and he started crying again in earnest.

It astounds me that someone so smart can take so long to grasp the simplest of lessons.

Tomorrow I will be able to talk to Seth and maybe get my point across, I told him that I am tired of him thinking that he rules the roost and I am very tired of having him speak to me in such a disrespectful way. H and I explained that enough is enough and from now on, punishment will be swift and it will be consistent and it will be sufficient to help him learn that he is not right all the time. That he is not the be all and end all and the world does not revolve around him.

I look at this boy and I see a teenager right there and unless we can help him see very quickly that we do know best and we so ARE in charge, life will be very very un-fun when he hits his teens.

I also look at him and see the funniest, quirkiest, sweetest little pixie faced boy in the world.

Keep your words soft and sweet..

What a day.
Do you ever have that feeling, the one where you have done something so awful that your insides feel like they are black? Like your blood has turned to tar and you may never feel light or happy again? I have felt like that too often lately, I have absolutely noticed that the sadness that has shrouded me for so long has gone, mostly I feel as though I am breathing again for the first time in years, big gulping clean breaths.
Now though, there is an enormous rage, such a huge rage that I don't know what to do with it. I have been ignoring it mostly because what else can I do? I have no idea what I am so furious at or about but the more I ignore it, the more it just comes charging out at inopportune moments. Today I thought that probably, I should go and get some help with it because I hated myself today. How can you feel something but act a different way?
I was irritable, I was tired, big deal....H isn't here, which is strange but not awful I think. He is at the temple, which is probably the only place he would ever leave this family to go to, just because he loves it. He will meet his dad but if I suggest he leave to do anything else that he may love, he won't hear of it. Anyway so he isn't here and I am so happy that he is where he is, there's nothing like finding yourself without someone to realise just what you love about them is there?
So, PMT, tired, grumpy, fair enough we can all have off days and I certainly wasn't about to beat myself up about that. The boys were pretty gorgeous, lazy start to the day, they ( and I) took turns on the rowing machine ( that I love, I really love that thing!) and we watched some TV, actually, because I was tired I let them watch Drop Dead Fred, which I had in my mind as a hysterical movie...but is really actually smattered with way too much bad language and inappropriate moments, what a shame because 90% of it IS hysterical and exactly Isaac's kind of funny. I knew that I had to get these little boys outside, the weather is really pretty great for February, they don't have school and little boys NEED outside and running and loudness.
So why then, when I stood up and started to encourage them to get ready did the Devil himself unleash the most sickening tirade? Even as my mouth was yelling and spitting vile temper at these little boys my head was screaming WHAT THE HELL? I was horrified at how mean I was and at the same time it seemed I was powerless to stop.
I wasn't angry at them, I don't know what I was angry at but it just flew out and covered them. It was over so quickly but inside me it felt as though that burst of rage had lasted for hours, the boys were seemingly unaffected, they certainly weren't reserved, or quiet, they didn't miss a beat and continued to be little boys, bickering and whining and where are we going and when will we get there-ing.
I haven't been able to throw that terrible feeling all day, we had fun ...so much fun, I took them ice skating and I don't think I have laughed that hard for months. Even while I was laughing fit to burst my guts, I was thinking about how angry I had felt earlier, for no particular reason.
Sometimes ( not often I am glad to say) I threaten my kids with punishments I have no intention of carrying out, sometimes they are so bizarre that they have to know I don't mean it, they certainly don't ever appear to be afraid of me .
Today ( it's been a day full today I tell you) when we were getting ready to go out, Seth started. It's always Seth, he is one of those children who is never quite happy enough with life, no matter what we do, it is always lacking, it ends too soon, wasn't quite as good as he wanted, he wanted to go to THAT place not THIS place, if he goes on 26 rides, he wanted to go on 29 and why are we so mean that we always have to stop him when he was just about to enjoy himself.
Today we went ice skating and when we were done, they asked if they could go on some of the rides ( that of course we had to walk past to get back to the car) To go on the rides you need tokens, 2 tokens cost £1. In the name of sanity I said they could have 2 tokens each, they had been skating and were going to have dinner afterwards, so they each had a pound and got 2 tokens each. I always have to explain, loudly and clearly and more than once " OK so you know you have 2 tokens each right? That means you can have two rides if they cost 1 token or ONE ride that costs 2 tokens but that's it, when your tokens have gone, we are going to eat"
Isaac already knew he wanted to go on the bumper go karts and he knew that was 1 token, he saw a digger ride that was 1 token, he showed Eli and they went on the digger ride and gave Sophie the other token for the go karts that were way over the park near the car.
Seth used one token on a shooting range, then he joined the boys on the go karts and then it was time to eat.
He whined and he grizzled and he went on and on and on about how mean I was, how stupid it was to take him there and then only let him have 2 stupid tokens. He asked why I always had to choose the least amount to give them, why couldn't they have had 4 tokens or 6 or as many as they liked because it's half term what else are they going to do? I only give them the smallest amount because I am mean and I just want them to see what FUN it is and then STOP THEM HAVING FUN and do I actually plan how to make them this miserable?
I instructed Sophie to ignore him, she gets into it with him and they can argue for HOURS and HOURS and Seth thrives on it, he just loves to fight and whine. I told him he knew what the deal was, I pointed out that Eli and Isaac were happy with their day, that we were now going to eat and no-one was going to discuss this further with him.
Then we walked to the dining area, not responding to his endless whining.
We sat down, it is a food court kind of set up and so I got his food first because he knew what he wanted, pasta and parmesan cheese. I put it in front of him and he was STILL whittering on about the injustice of not having more bloody rides.
SNAP!
( I am so glad I didn't shout, the fact that I didn't yell made what I said seem more menacing though, which makes me cringe)
"Seth" ( I hissed through clenched teeth)
" This is your food, use your mouth to eat it, if you use your mouth to complain even once more, I swear I am going to drag you back to the car by your neck and when we get back to the car I am going to smack your backside until I no longer feel annoyed by you...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
Only then did I notice the family on the next table sitting open mouthed as they tried to comprehend what I had just said to this precious boy, scrawny little 42lb child of mine. ( how can someone so small make someone so much bigger so boiling mad by just talking?!)
They left pretty quickly and I wonder if I am the topic of any message board this evening.... awful mother that I am.
I am so aware of the impact we have on our children as mothers. I have seen what damage can be done when we get it wrong, I am living in terror that I am going to screw these little boys up. The more I worry, the more I get it wrong, the more I get it wrong, the more I want to pull back and stay out of the way, let H be in the fore front, let them grow up with memories of him being there and teaching them, playing with them, walking with them, reading with them. I want to be in the background watching it and not messing it up. I feel like every time I speak I get it wrong.
Shame I can't just keep my mouth shut then isn't it?
Can't think where Seth gets it from.

Schools out for Summer!

I love that feeling. I loved it when I was at school and I love it now. Waiting outside the classroom and then seeing little people with bulging bags of classwork, projects, paintings. I love that the littler classes have their pictures taken right through the year and when they leave their first year of school, they have books of pictures documenting all the exciting things they did, all their friends and teachers.
I met Naughty Nathan ***** mum today, funny how she has obviously heard as much about Naughty Elijah **** as we have about Nathan, except she had to stand and TELL me all the naughty things that she believes Eli has done against her precious and innocent boy. Ptttttthhhhh. Yeah well, your kid isn't coming to Eli's party so there. I know my Eli never did throw Nathan's car over the fence, probably.
Isaac's go go crazy bones arrived today and in a perfect way I took them to school so he could play ( as we do) for an hour ...oh what joy, his face was alight as all his friends crowded 'round and asked if ALL those we HIS and WHERE did he GET THEM? He shared and I watched very closely as one little boy hid a few in his hands and nonchalantly started to wander away.
"Oh T...you weren't taking those go go bones away were you?"
"No"
"Good boy, you can stay and play but Isaac has already lost a lot of his go go bones this week and it would be very sad if that happened again, wouldn't it?"
Bless her heart, his mum frisked him as they were about to leave and had him put back the 2 that had somehow found their way into his pockets!
School is over for 6 weeks, we are all happily done with uniforms and lunch boxes.
The weather is so perfect for me at the moment, oh if we could have a few weeks of this with perhaps a smattering of rain during the night sometimes. Heaven.
If it's beautiful tomorrow I shall take the boys up onto the moors with a picnic and let them run wild, take pictures, breathe beautiful fresh air and forget I am 46.
46.
I just had a chat with Seth.
"Seth, what day is it tomorrow?"
" Thursday"
"Yes but what date?"
"24th"
"which is?" ( blood /stone springs to mind )
"Oh yes, the anniversary of me cutting the top of my finger off!"
Which is what he did right before my friends arrived for lunch on my birthday. Little snot.

So much to learn....

She's lovely isn't she? She's doing alright this week and the only reason I can think of is because she has had me, every minute she's wanted me. Imagine that. She has tried to have me AND stuff because any self respecting teenager would try that, maybe not once they are 19 but she has issues and amongst those issues is a belief that she has had less than anyone else.
I see that actually, she has. Not less stuff, in fact she has always somehow managed to get more at Christmas and birthdays because girls, to me, are so much easier to buy for, more fun to shop for.....she is so satisfying to buy for because she just loves it all. All my boys have been so particular, they either love it, or they don't. No point buying the latest trend for my boys because the chances are they won't care for it, we did Ghost busters briefly with the big boys, power rangers with the little ones, apart from that it was and is a case of what they love. Lego, drawing, basketball and Dan was desperate for a talking robot one year.
Sophie, if it's pink, fluffy, on the TV, make up related, high heeled, Disney, Beanie, girlie, she'll like it. SO she's had stuff and more stuff and with bells on it stuff.
She has had my time and my soul, my attention and my every last nerve, I realised today that she has never had my fun.
I haven't ever seen, or noticed that Sophie has a sense of humour, so busy have we been trying to vie for what we thought we wanted ( her my adoration / whatever she thought the boys had that she didn't. Me...a break, just a moment where she wasn't trying so hard to snap me in two)
This week I have refused to give in to that wall that tries to erect itself in front of my face whenever Sophie is around. I sound so hard, saying this about my child, but years and years of being sworn at, disobeyed, ignored, disrespected have taken their toll, I have never stopped loving her but I think I stopped being able to show it a long time ago. This week, having seen that pretty much all of Sophie's anger, her raging, her in your face to hell with you attitude is all a facade, it is all covering up how sad she is. I wonder how much of the past years we could have avoided if I had seen what she was doing before now.
When she left yesterday, I told her to be here at 8.45 so she could come to Plymouth with me. She was here at 8am....she doesn't do mornings well at all but she did this one, bright and early and ready to go.
We did go and she was a delight. I enjoyed her today, really enjoyed her, didn't look at my watch once, we took Seth to his basketball camp and we had 6 hours to kill, the gear box or clutch has gone on my car, no 1st gear...2nd gear is a bugger to get but at least it will go into 2nd and the rest? Forget it...so we had to wait for Seth as we are 40 miles away from basketball heaven ( or not, more on that later) no way I could dive home and back again. I had to be sure not to spend too much money because LONDON and BOSTON and now CAR! So we parked up, walked through town and bought magazines, had lunch and we pretty much sat in the car and we laughed, honest to goodness, teary eyed laughing..me and the girl. Glorious. I wish I could tell you what we laughed at but in writing..it so wouldn't be funny in fact we would put ourselves in a very poor light!
We tried on sunglasses....seems like a little thing but Sophie and I haven't done any little things since she was 9 or 10, we went from having fun and loving being with each other to all out war, pretty much overnight.



Her joy at this tentative and new relationship makes it easy to carry on, I feel shame that it seems this easy, and then I remind myself that this is happening now because she has made so many changes. The angry Sophie made fun impossible, the sad and broken Sophie makes it imperative and easy, it is something that she needs and something I can see she wants...so it's easy to give. I don't know any human being that could give affection and attention ( of the right kind) to someone who was resisting every effort.
I think when I saw how she behaved when her dad came to visit...the one person that she has longed to have love her, when I saw her snarl and swear and then hide

I began to see just how sad she is, behind all that rage. Getting just that glimpse has made it not only easy but natural to just love her, forget she is 19, forget she has been a little cow for 10 years or more, just love her.
And I do, really I do. Not just that fierce, must protect her love, I've always felt that. This new love, the brand new love, is easy and natural and it is, well it just is.
She hasn't changed overnight but I think I have. She still doesn't know when to stop and today I still had to speak to her as though she were 10, she left to go back to the house she is staying at...2 hours later she was back here and I had to tell her that I was ready to relax and unwind and that she was expected back at the other house so she should go back and do the chores they had asked her to do..... and she went, without fighting. We are both learning.

Seth went to basketball camp......

Look at that little bloke, he just loves it,


He gets that ball in there much more often than he misses...he's sort of little though, isn't he?
Well take a look at this....the other kids at camp.


Could he be any littler than those big kids? Oh for the sake of all things touching to a mother's heart.



He did 6 hours and was about ready to drop when I picked him up, the trouble is, he doesn't want to go tomorrow. Because he is that little, no-one passes him the ball...because they are all so huge they can block him when he does get the ball..that isn't too much fun when you're 7.
It sort of feels like


Yes, like that.
We're waiting til the morning, maybe he was so tired he couldn't think past how tired he was and I hate to think he will let Billy down if he doesn't go but this is supposed to be fun, it wasn't fun. He's 7. I don't know, maybe tomorrow will show us what to do.
This whole parenting gig is one big lesson that never ends.

Tiny steps, huge strides.

So, yesterday Sophie was restless, she was here all day and by 5pm I knew I was going to either arrange some kind of entertainment or suffer her caged in company all evening, I furtively arranged an evening at a friends house, watching a DVD and eating, she is my daughter, she enjoys that.
About 30 minutes before we were going to leave she said that Mel was going out and could she go with her. Hmmm, she is a party girl, she loves going down town, she likes to be with her friends and she is 19...far too young to tie down to evenings with her mother on saturday.
What to do? Well, what I did was to take her shopping, buy her one alchopop and give her £5. I told her that she was to stay with Mel and that when that £5 was gone, if anyone offered to buy her a drink she was to get Coke or juice and I told her that she was not to let me down because I would ask around and people are always willing to tell me what she has been up to.
I woke up this morning and she was here ( In Eli's bed) H said she knocked on the window at 5am, seems she was in my car from 3am.
She wasn't drunk, she got up when I told her it was time to get up ( noon) she played with the boys, helped with dinner and went home at 6pm.
I told her to be here at 8.45 tomorrow morning so she can come with me to take Seth to Plymouth, to basketball camp ( is there a more excited boy in this world? I suspect not.)
When I look at pictures of Sophie as a little girl, I can't believe that at that stage ( 10, 14, 16) that the child I am looking at was the same child that caused such mayhem wherever she went. I thought the other day that when she is 30, I will look at pictures of her now and be amazed that the things I read, that I am writing now, ever happened. I look back and see how she was a sad little girl who didn't feel she belonged anywhere. I don't want to look back and see that she still felt that way at 19 and I didn't do anything to make her see things aren't that way.
I find that as soon as she walks in, I tense up, I am always ready for the fight..I would lay money on the fact that she knows that and she rarely lets me down. I am trying so hard to not do that, though it's hard!
She is delightful when she feels safe, which isn't very often, I aim to make her feel secure more often. I am still going to run the show and she won't be moving back here. My ultimate plan for her is to get her well enough that she can hold down a good job and help her get a small flat of her own, once she has somewhere that is hers and she can believe that she is loved and worthy of good things, I really think it will be the making of her. Hope is a marvellous thing.
On a totally different note, Seth strikes again....
He doesn't do sundays very well, every week he comes down with a mystery ailment and tries every trick in the book to stay home from church ( little heathen!) The thing is, he has a hemangioma in his left eye, glands have formed under his eyelid so that when he is sick, his eye swells, he can't trick us, too bad Sethters.
So this morning he came down and "Mum! MUM! Is my eye swollen because I am really ill, I really don't feel good and so I know my eye HAS to be swollen, is it?"
It was general conference today that we can watch online so I said to him "Seth, if I tell you that there is no church today, will that help your state of health?"
He threw his hands up in the air and said " PRAISE JESUS I AM HEALED!" That was one of those moments where you know you should definitely not laugh....but you can't do a thing to stop yourself, his timing is always impeccable.
Today was a good day.

There was a commotion, in the ocean,....apparently.

So, today Seth had a school play. For some unexplained reason, that I have yet to discover, I dread these things, every time, when I know I am expected to go and watch a school play, I feel all toddlery inside and want to stomp my feet and whine about how I don't want toooooooooo.
When I am told that this torture is to happen in the EVENING...sometimes, the toddler escapes and sneaks out for the world to see.
Tonight though, toddler was safely caged and mummy enthusiastic was in top form. Off we went, my 4th child and I. Early of course because actors must prepare and he had a coat to put on and everything.
The play was called Ocean commotion and was all about dolphins who swam around the world to see what damage was being done by humans.
I sat in a great seat, in the school hall, which was pleasantly warm, with an open window, for a glorious and welcome breeze.
It was shortly after dinner ( lamb shanks in gravy, roasted parsnips and broccoli) a time when usually I am relaxing and beginning to unwind. Today has been a busy day with much rushing and doing of things, oh how lovely to be in the hall in time to settle and relax.
I watched the hall fill up and was happy that I was there good and early, I hate getting there and having to sit right at the back, or even worse stand and get leg ache while I wait for my child to say their 3 words very quietly, so that I can watch the lips move, but not actually hear anything.
Hmmmm, warm, cosy and dim lighting, splendid occasional breeze and then, what's that? Ahhh, lovely ocean sounds, rolling waves and sort of dolphin-y whale-y sounds with some relaxing music thrown in.
Can you imagine what I could tell you I did? Well I almost did, it would have been so easy to nod off, to drift away but I stayed awake! The whole time!
As I said, every time I dread these things, I drag my feet and imagine what else I could be doing...then, every time something miraculous happens, without fail.
The first child sings....or they all sing. I am lost immediately. This evening's show was no different except for the level of magic.
Seth hates singing, he doesn't get it, it hurts him. As a baby, from so tiny, if I would sing ( and everyone that knows me, knows that I sing, all the time, about everything, life is a song) Seth's face would crumple and he would say " STOP SINNIN!" This evening, as he was getting ready to leave, which meant stopping basketball and leaving what he loves, he was saying things like
" It's not like I even want to be an actor is it? Today even we didn't get P.E just more rehearsing and MORE singing and NO P.E" and I felt for him because this is not fun for him.
When we got to school he was animated and shouting welcomes to his friends, he'd told me that he didn't need a costume because he used his friends coat which had a furry hood so he looked like an Eskimo and that was OK. I said that just to humour me, we would take a spare that would make him look just as authentic, you know, just in case kind friend didn't bring his fur lined coat, on this smashingly sunny evening.
Seth liked me a whole lot when his friend said " Seth! Hello! Do you want to borrow my coat now?"
"yes please"
"Oh, I didn't bring it!"
See, sometimes mothers know best.
They sang, in that way children do, with all the enthusiasm of people unspoiled by mundane things like gas bills and the weight of the world on their shoulders. Heads high and shoulders pulled back, they sang with those magnificent shouting voices and I felt it all begin. My scalp tightened until I felt my eyebrows lift, my arms tingled, I got the lump in my throat and I was so carried away by these little people, my life was transformed for that hour and 45 minutes.
Every now and then I would look back at the director, who standing at the back of the hall on a stool, mouthed the words, conducted the music, grinned and boosted and lifted those little people as they performed.
I saw my boy, who is so much smaller than most of the other kids ( but taller, much taller than beautiful Mabel who makes Seth look tall and grown up!) I saw him feel the atmosphere.....




The costumes were so simple, but they were incredible and the children loved them we loved them..my favourite had to be the jelly fish, with her lampshade head....



My tiny Eskimo.....



and when he said his words...he said them with all he had!



I took a lot of pictures, most of them with my heart. I sort of like forgetting what school plays do for me, it's always such a thrill when I remember and the joy is so much more exquisite because I forget it is coming.
For those 2 hours I was reminded just how much this life has to offer us if we take the time to grasp it. A little boy in a winter coat, who after the play said " actually I REALLY enjoyed that, it was good....now I know why we had to keep practising, because that worked, didn't it mum?" and it did. It really worked.

When we were done, we went for ice cream, because it is the law, especially when singing hurts your ears and there was so much of it...when you join in and sing just as loudly. And if, when you think your mum isn't watching, you dance, because you are so lifted up by music...well you get a flake in your ice cream and no question about it.

My friends, Romans and countrymen, I give you my boy!

Seth has Roman day tomorrow at school, he has been counting the days because history, it is his thang! He loves it, he reads it, lives it, breathes it.
We have been making his costume for a while ......he looks divine.

Happy birthday my little stink Meister.

Seth Ammon is 7 today. I'm not sure what to think about that. 7 is sort of grown up, he smells grown up these days, especially on these humind days where he spends many hours playing basketball and bouncing on trampolines and not being keen to wash anything.

He is all boy.

He is going through a phase of super independance, he can do it himself. He can decide what to wear and how long to wear it and all 3 have decided that they no longer like pyjamas, that makes me very sad. I love clean and sweet smelling boys in cosy pyjamas. Tell me it's a phase and any evening now they will all decide that ack what were they thinking when the insist on wearing shorts to bed? Even though I have bathed and scrubbed and dried and handed them clean shorts, I still can't look at them and get all smooshy about how clean and comfy they are and all ready for bed, how cute! Can I admit that I actually used to get them ready for bed and make sure that should we all have need to be rescued in the night, the firemen would be impressed by how cute and clean and all matching pyjama'd we all were? ( when they were tiny babies I never EVER put them in a cot with even the tiniest bit of drool or sick on the sheet, because what if they died and someone took away all the bedding and saw that I was so slovenly as to not change a cot sheet? )

Not that I am mad or anything.

Now what? Burly firemen tut tutting about how that woman puts her kids to bed in clothes for heavens sake?! The shame, being the point of discussion and derision around the fire engine room or wherever they sit and have hot chocolate and discuss who the best dressed family were on this month's call outs.

Seth still has all but 2 of his little teeth, H was convinced that he would have more big teeth by the time he was 7, he sat at the table this evening and had Seth wiggle the top ones to make sure that they were really still very solid and not wobbly and likely to fall out overnight, tooth fairies can have a night off ( again) the stinky shoe fairy is going to have to come and throw away those running shoes though because they stink, really really STINK. Seth loves those shoes, he has taken to not wearing socks and then putting on these steaming shoes.

Did I used to kiss those feet? Willingly and with great delight? I think I did, I remember loving the smell of his little baby feet. Growing up is so sad, for the mummy anyway. Smells are everything to a mummy, that newborn head smell, silky little heads and necks and ears, breathe that deliciousness in, bottle it and love it and make it last as long as you can because slowly, the head starts to get that boy smell, that sticky sort of hot smell, I don't think Sophie ever got that smell, she always smelled a bit heavenly, 'til she started to smoke.

The little boy foot smell becomes something you avoid at all costs, frighteningly early. Seth's feet are toxic when he has been wearing those shoes. When he wakes up I am taking him to choose some new running shoes with air vents and leather and the stinky shoe fairy is coming to get those beloved foul things and taking them to a place far, far away.

I love the excitement that comes with little peoples' birthdays, such joy in mentioning how many days and sleeps until 'the day', at bed time saying " night night, see you when you're 7."

I love watching them and knowing that for the whole day they feel different. I can remember that feeling, how special you are because this is your day and you are SO much older than you were yesterday.

We are promised sunshine today, if it comes then we are doing the water party, friends and pools and hotdogs and cake ( which actually, I haven't even made because we didn't have enough eggs, who can remember eggs when cleaning 2 houses and ferrying boxes here there and everywhere? )

It is almost 2am, I had better go to bed because soon he will be up and be 7 and want all kinds of exciting things. Seven. Happy birthday Seth Meister.

Giving you all the finger.

*~GASP~* Why? what did we do? Has she finally lost that tiny bit of decorum she was clinging to?
She may well have......but I mean Seth's finger. In all it's crispy glory.
The hospital is very pleased with his finger. ( In fact, you should probably know that the hospital could care less, as it is an inanimate object, totally lacking in emotion, the consultant at the hospital however is thrilled with Seth's finer, it just seemed quicker to say the hospital until that terribly proper part of me felt compelled to explain in full what I actually meant.)
The consultant said we should leave it uncovered when Seth is inside. I would hazard a guess that he hasn't a 6 year old boy of his own. Seth is a) a bit freaked when he is faced with this finger...



and b).....it is crispy and scabby and little boys of 6 are known to want to pick and poke at crispy and scabby things.

So we cover it up after about 10-20 minutes ( as long as I can stand to listen to the " how many more minutes, can we cover it up again yet" repetitions)
On first glance it looks truly horrible



but actually, when you really look closely ( ewwwwww) it is possible to see how it will heal. He is fascinated by the fact that it is now the same size as his little finger and then he gets shuddery and wants not to see it anymore please.

I understand that because I keep making myself look at it very closely and every time I do my lower body goes into twittering shivers. What IS that? When we see something painful or hear a tale of some woman giving birth, without any pain relief, to a 12lb 4oz baby, everything from the pubic bone down gets the heebie jeebies?

We are all in a state of disbelief because we have had several days without rain. Oh joy.

Isaac is 6 today, so for 12 days I have 2 six year old boys in my house.
Happy birthday beautiful Isaac, I am so glad that you stopped screaming. Those first 5 1/2 months were tough ones but you are so worth it.
You are my heart and soul boy, you filled my heart from the day you were born and somehow you have made it grow. I love knowing what is inside your head, I love that of all my children, you are the most like me. My soul recognises yours and I am beyond happy to be your mum.
I wouldn't change a thing about you ( except the putting on socks thing, I hate the putting on socks thing because those seams? The devil invented sock seams and he laughs every day when we put Isaac's socks on and THE SEAMS! THEY ARE TWISTED AND CUTTING INTO HIS FEET! FIX IT! NOW!)




There seems to be eternity in those eyes, all the things he can't say are right there to be read and understood and only the very luckiest of people can see the deepest thoughts.
I adore this boy. What did I do to deserve him? Something very, very right I presume.

This and that.

I have so much to say but not a bit of energy to say it. How much energy does it take to type some words? Not much at all, which just goes to show how weary I am. Weary.
Last night, Seth came in and said that his bandage had fallen off but it was OK and he had put it back on, rather than mess with it too much, and because he was so OK and not hurting, I taped the dressing on more securely and put him in bed. First thing this morning I took him to the hospital to get it checked.
Oh dear.
It must have bed last night, and dried, and gone crusty and revolting and very very stuck, they had to soak the dressing off and bless his heart he didn't even whimper. The kid must have a pain threshold like none other. ( although he squeals like a stuck pig when I trim his nails?!!) The nurse, pulled and poked and soaked and prodded and he just sat on my lap and sometimes screwed his little face up a bit. After about 15 minutes he said " oh, mummy, my tummy actually hurts and I feel sick." And then he was, sick, he puked his little body inside out. Then he needed the toilet and we were able to come home. As soon as we got outside he said " ahhh, better now, I definitely won't puke anymore. It was hot in there"
I am astounded by this little man. His finger is a bloody pulp. I cannot imagine how long this will take to heal. It does look lovely and clean ( no, not lovely, raw and sore and bloody and truly painful, but not lovely) He has such tiny fingers, he is so petite and bird like and to see that tiny finger all chewed up like that was just horrendous, helped only by his complete calmness and fascination with it.
I have a feeling that when we have to go back to get it dressed again next week, he won't be nearly as calm. Bribery and copious stretchy lizards at 25p each seem to take the sting away a bit. Marvellous.


Dan called today, Sophie girl is happier, we had a blip on thursday when she called and without taking a single breath said
" oh I am so tired and my sink is blocked and the shower is cold and I forgot my toothbrush and I have just been using my finger and I had a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich and I am going to be in this room my whole life because I have no friends here and no-one will ever like me and I am bored and Daniel has had 2 days off and I haven't seen him and I am so lonely and I have nothing."
Wilt ( me) silent prayers ( me) phone call to Daniel.
30 minutes later she was at his flat watching DVDs on his huge TV and using his laptop.
Today he said that she is much happier , is going out with one of the girls from the hotel and he had been on duty with the police, saw her outside a pub chatting with some people. He rolled down the window and barked " WHATCHA DOIN???" The people she was with looked at asked what the problem was, Sophie said " He's my brother"
"your brother is a copper?"
"Yep"
And with that they all turned and walked away from her.
May he always be just around a corner and may news travel very fast in that town! Dan said it was all very innocent and above board but the fact that these people were put off by his being a policeman, well hooray that they walked away.
I am so tired.
Mentally and physically and emotionally. All wore out and ready to crumble.
I Am SO glad that school is out, the relief that at least we aren't tied to a schedule is enormous. To be able to wake up and paddle around in my pyjamas, that's what is keeping me this side of drooling in a faux leather chair in a day room somewhere.
Which may or may not be a good thing.
When you start to envy those people who lose it and are sitting staring at a wall with blank expressions, regular drugs and a cooked meal placed in front of them on a plastic tray, well it's probably time for a nice holiday. I will hopefully be getting a holiday in 6 months, after 2 more moves and who knows what surprises.
I say hopefully because nothing is ever certain and right now, Grandpa has his 2 other kids ( kids?? Grown offspring) living with him, and a daughter in law and a grand daughter. In a little 3 bed, 1 bath house. I am not paying close to £2.000 to sleep, all 5 of us on a blow up bed in grandpa's front room for 4 weeks. No, I'm not, no siree.
We do not have the money to stay on a hotel, so unless grandpa's house empties out some, we'll be staying right here.
When I lived there, back in the day, in that other life. I was pretty much chief cook and bottle washer, sole female and not beloved. The men in this family have not a clue about women and on top of unsatisfactory sleeping arrangement? I am so not going all that way to cook and clean for all those people. H's sister is great and I love that she will be there but the rest of them? I doubt that they would notice or care if I dropped in an exhausted heap from serving them all and cleaning up afterwards..... I NEED A HOLIDAY! I don't need this life thousands of miles away without even the promise of my own heavenly bed at the end of it all.
I keep trying to subtly explain my feelings to H, upon which he gets that puzzled look on his face as if I made it all up and who could NOT want to be just as we were?! Might be time to drop the subtlety and get the sledge hammer out.
nearly 1am. I am ready for my bed, I could stay there for 3 days straight. If only.

And Seth's tale....

The Sporty Boy and the Lazy Mother

Once upon a time, there lived a sporty boy named Michael Jordan. And his mother, Mrs. Wright, and she was even lazier than a fat pot-belly pig. And Michael was always treated like a slave. He made lunch, dinner, and breakfast. He was always working even though he’s only three years old. He couldn’t have a one second rest. But when he was fourteen he worked until Wednesday and the day after Wednesday he said “mother, please will you try and lose 18 pounds, because you are really lazy.”
His mother said “if you don’t like working you can do anything you like, but you have to let me tidy up.” So he went up stairs he made a giant mess. He grabbed his basketball and went to his mother and told her that he couldn’t find his ball, but now I found it. Then he went outside and his mother tidied up the mess in his bedroom. Then went to play some sports with Michael after lunch Michael’s mother said “can I play sports with you.” Michael said “yes, you can!”
So they lived happily ever after.
The End

What does THIS tell us? Honestly, he could really hurt a mothers tender heart if she didn't understand that his asperger brain tells him that a mother who doesn't do anything that is important to him, doesn't actually have much worth. What use is a person who just cleans and shops and does laundry if she doesn't play basketball? None at all. He doesn't have any of those smooshy heart feelings, you know, darned emotions that get in the way of everything. He likes me stroking his face at bedtime and appreciates that but I think, in reality that he would scarcely notice if I wasn't here.
We are working on how people's feelings are hurt when we voice opinions like
" why are YOU here? I don't want to see you" or " why do I need you when I have my dad?" He is always so mortified when we point out that he HAS hurt my feelings, he cannot understand why the simple truth can make me feel sad. To him, it is a fact that his dad fulfills all his needs, I am just here for the ride.
He functions so much easier in the world than Isaac but emotionally, Isaac is more in tune with how people feel. If someone falls over and Seth sees, he will be quick to tell them how they could have avoided such a calamity, " should look where you're going then shouldn't you?" or " well, why did you climb uo there then?" he really thinks he is being helpful, it doesn't occur to him that comfort or sympathy might be nice.
When I had a particularly bad case of hives once, when I was covered in blistering welts, Isaac stroked my leg and gave me his blanket to hold, Seth glanced sideways and said " don't scratch it then."
I'm not too sure what, if anything, can be done to help him be more compassionate, whether it is possible to teach someone to 'feel' emotions. H is very unemotional, if I cry he looks like a deer in headlights, I long gave up on longing for romance or whispered sweet nothings. Seth is his son, with bells on.
If we ask Seth to turn on a lamp..he will spend 1o minutes explaining ( whining) about he has to do everything in this house, how he is basically a slave, I think he actually believes it. His story tells how he works like a slave....until Wednesday.
I have made him sound like a monster in this post and he really isn't, he has the most incredible sense of humour, he is bright and delighful, polite and pleasant ( usually) he just doesn't get emotions, I hope he can learn about them because they are so what makes life happy.
I have lost 10lbs, only 8 to go then. If I play basketball with him tomorrow maybe we will live happily ever after, what d'ya reckon?
We can collect the house keys tomorrow and start moving boxes etc over ...H is going to work on the garden ( which is waist high now) maybe he should take Seth and show him what real hard work is, while lazy mother stays here and does nothing.
The End.