A second childhood?

It's tomorrow you know. TOMORROW..my birthday.
I am so excited I almost went to bed at 7pm so that it would come quicker. I have NO idea why I am excited, my birthday is renowned for being a non event, seriously uncelebrated but this year, I don't care to remember every other year I am excited to have my birthday and it began early...Jordan came by with beautiful flowers, cards and $50 for me to spend in Boston.
Is it weird for your child to give you cash on your birthday? I loved it, have to say. My house is quite little and it is full to bursting with stuff, I really don't need anything so to have some money to take with me on my holiday is great! I can buy all kinds of treats over there.
Elijah is excited because once my birthday is over it's his next....he asked me if, because it is my birthday would I like them to take me to the park tomorrow. I think I might take them up on that and allow them to make me a picnic to take ( and we shall not believe the heavy rain forecast either!) that would be fun, for them to do the running around.
I am going to see 'My sister's keeper' in the late afternoon with my sisters and friends, we shall eat after the film and I suspect a great time will be had by all.
I think I am excited, not because it is my birthday as such but just a lovely feeling of knowing I have had another year to live and to experience all that life has to offer. the older I get the more I appreciate the wonders of life.
I have more time to enjoy life, the boys are growing so beautifully, there are at an age that I would love to freeze, old enough that they can be out and about and responsible enough that I don't have to follow their every step, we can sit at the park and they can play while I read.
They are young enough that they go to bed between 8 and 9pm, they have time outs for misbehaviour, we are still very much in charge.
I have time to enjoy my friends and such wonderful ones they are too.
I have always been so lucky to have great friends, from a little girl I had best friends, people to share secrets with, to have sleepovers and make memories with.
I have friends that I have known since I was a young thing, way back when there weren't computers. I have newer friends that I met online ...some I have never met in person but I forget that, so many experiences shared, pregnancies, births, miscarriages, you name it, we have shared it, it doesn't make any difference that we haven't met in person.
Then we have the friends I have met...and what a joy that is.
I love feeling that my birthday is something to celebrate, I love being here, I like what the next year promises.
It's my brother's birthday tomorrow as well, imagine that....how kind of him to share his birthday with me, I arrived on his second birthday and our little sister, Jane, arrived the day after my 4th birthday. It's a busy time, and a tradition I seem to have carried on, my mum had 3 children with a clump of a birthday, I did the same thing.
We are about to start our birthday clump, with mine at the start ( as it should be of course )
Let the party begin.

On not being 47, yet.

Whew, if that wasn't just the thing to stop me being miserable about turning 47!
For years I haven't really given my birthday much thought ( or have I? Might have to check back to last year to see if I was whining about it then) I am in a sort of neither here nor there phase in life, why, it's sort of smack bang in the middle, like a mid life, middle age type thing. Hoorah.
I see that whatever my complaint might be, I can guarantee HORMONES will be mentioned.
Forgetfulness, MENOPAUSE.
Irritability. MENOPAUSE.
Fatigue. MENOPAUSE.
Shut up.
Bloody menopause, I haven't had my perimenopause yet, let me catch up.
I never was one for half a job. let me do it in it's correct and proper order thankyou.
I need to research before I agree to any of it.
Middle aged. Good heavens.
I still have acne, I am a veritable spring chicken.
47 sounds so boring doesn't it? 47. *sigh* can't wait.
Being middle aged has it's pluses, if you look really hard and exaggerate them, should one fall in you lap.
You can say pretty much what you like and no-one cares, because no-one listens to you anyway.
It doesn't matter really what you look like because even if you are drop dead gorgeous...you will be described as 'looking great! (For your age')
Being overweight isn't such a terrible thing because grand children love a squishy gramma, they are the best kind.
47 isn't quite old enough to abandon all hope of getting it together before it's too late. Not quite old enough for polyester slacks and sholley. I still can't quite throw caution to the wind and pop to Asda in my comfy clothes.
I do feel though, that from now on I shall mind if my birthday passes unnoticed.
I want a fuss, of sorts.
Listen family mine, my birthday is first in a terrifying clump of birthdays, forget mine and you might find yours is low key too, there's a warning for you.
Poor Dan, his is last.
We start with mine on Friday 24th, then we have Eli, 26th, Jordan 29th, August comes along and we have H, 9th, Isaac 10th, Seth 22nd and Dan 25th, by the time Dan's birthday is here we are all completely birthday'd out. Which is OK because he hates his birthday, from the littlest boy, when asked he would say " I don't want anything, I want to stay in and be bored" I love that boy.
Where am I going with all this? Oh, yes....I've been sick, poorly, ill. Really.WEIRD ill.
On Sunday, I fell asleep, on the sofa, watching a film with the boys, when I fell asleep I was fine, when I woke up I felt more ill than I can ever remember. My throat was on fire and it hurt right the way down my chest, my chest was so sore, stabbing and it was hard to catch my breath, I didn't get a fever at all, not even a little bit.
My head was painful, my ears hurt, I couldn't walk in a straight line, if I bent over to try and pick anything up off the floor ( which is something I do 7465 times a day) I fell over FLUMP..like that. I had that awful thing where if I moved my head....my brain didn't catch up for a few seconds and then it smashed into my skull at a billion miles an hour.
Every part of me hurt. I slept all of monday, woke up at 7am, went back to sleep at 8, woke up at 11, back to sleep at noon.....was awake for 4 hours in the evening and slept most of last night.
Today I have been tired and sore but much better. My head feels too heavy for my neck and the breathing was hard, I just couldn't seem to get the breath into my lungs, until 6 o'clock when like some magical flick of a switch it was better, can breathe in and out as I please, without thinking about it. Amazing how you can take that for granted until it doesn't happen to order.
If I had had even a remotely increased temperature I would have thought it was swine flu.
Whatever it was I am SO glad it's on the way out and 47 doesn't seem nearly as bleak a prospect as it did last week.
The alternative doesn't look like fun at all.
P.S. I bought a plane ticket this week. To Boston. For me.

The last one is for the first one.

Birthdays that is. Today is Dan's 23rd Birthday. Luckily, he hates birthdays, has done since he was 10, every year we would ask him what he wanted to do and he would say " stay home and be bored" and he meant it. He doesn't tell anyone when his birthday is ( so I just wrote on his Face Book page! ) he ever wants anything and would rather we don't even mention it.

I say luckily because dear life, are we sick of birthdays in this house? Happy Bir...yeah, yadda yadda, same old same old. Sophie's OK because her birthday is in march but the rest if us, from July 24th -August 25th, all of us crammed in there, one after the other.

Dan was planning on coming down again today but then went to play golf ( I am so ashamed that a child of mine would do such a thing, I certainly didn't raise him that way) half the day was gone and I suspect a night out with his friends seemed a tad more exciting to him.

We ate his birthday dinner and dessert for him though, Gammon steaks, roast potatoes, green beans and parsley sauce with a choice of Lemon meringue, chocolate cheesecake or strawberry cheesecake..or some of each. Eli ( of course) chose chocolate and Lemon meringue. HE does this thing where he chooses, eats it all but a mere mouthful and then says " Atcherly, I hate dat, I didn't like it at all, I changed my mind, I want THAT one instead" It is so predictable and cute that he gets away with it every time.

Anyway. Daniel, it's his day, time to say stuff about him that I may not have said already.

He was the most delicious baby, I was completely in love with him from the first minute I saw his tiny face.

Seth is like Dan, pixie face and not a scrap of fat on him.

Dan was smoochy and funny, sweet and kind from the very beginning. White blond hair and gappy teeth. He appointed himself as my keeper and looked out for me until he was sure H was doing a good job.

It always amazes me that I have 6 children and feel differently for all of them. Each one of them is different and yet similarities show up often. Dan and Seth, Jordan and Isaac and Eli and himself. Seth and Sophie have many similarities too (but we try to ignore those!)

It's a strange thing to be a mother of a grown man. I don't believe it usually, I'm not sure how or when that happened. I just know that I am incredibly proud to be the mother of THIS grown man.

Happy Birthday Dan, whether you like it or not, Mum x

21 today, 21 today, he's got the key to the door, never been 21 before.

Jordan Thomas Edward. 21 today.
From day one he has been my easiest child, he came into the world following 6 painless contractions, some pushes done in cold blood and amidst much laughing. I looked at him, this big boy with a mass of perfectly tidy hair and I had no idea what to think. He wasn't what I was imagining at all, there had been no pain at all delivering him, I felt as though someone had given me a cute new puppy when I had been hoping for a kitten.
I was distanced from him, able to do what he needed but still looking at him as someone else held him and wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with him. I did not want to breast feed, at all and refused to even try, with Dan I felt like c ow with one or the other udder out 24 hours a day and I just hated to even start that shinanigans again, the trouble is, he would not take a bottle, at all, he gagged and wretched and spat and he turned his head.
Everyone told me to breastfeed him, for 3 days, over and over, how he would starve and all he wanted was his mothers milk.
"He doesn't KNOW!" I would say, I hadn't even tried to feed him, how did he know that's what he wanted?
On day four, they beat me down, I gave in, so begrudgingly...and told them to pass him to me, I would give it a go but I didn't want to and they needn't think I was going to enjoy it, at all.
He latched on, he suckled for 5 minutes each side and he slept for 5 hours straight, every time. For 9 months. Delightful boy.
He loved me, if he could see me he was happy, if he couldn't, he screamed and that was the only time he screamed, ever. SO I just took him with me, everywhere, to the toilet, the kitchen, 3 steps to the right, he came too, it was a habit that suited us both, I never gave it a thought unless someone witnessed what we did and asked how I didn't go insane...then I would try and walk out of the door to show them what would REALLY drive me insane and they would get it.
He was a deliciously chubby baby, he loved to play with his hair and as I fed him he would rub his hair or reach for mine. He rubbed most of his hair off by the time he was 6 months old so he took to grabbing mine very gently and just rubbing it between his fingers.
I don't know if or when he would have grown out of screaming if he couldn't see me because he wasn't even 2 when his dad left and then when he was just 2 he was snatched and hurt so badly, well no-one ever questioned why he would scream if he couldn't see me then.
There is something about Jordan that has always had a most special part of my heart. So afraid was I that he would always be damaged and sad, so desperate for him to feel safe and be brave, I felt as though I had to shut off all emotions, strong feelings and tenderness, in order to get through it, make him well, help him grow up to be happy and unafraid without going insane.
He never ( that I can recall) made me lose my temper in the spectacular way that the others can do. Not until he was in his late teens anyway. Even then, if I am ever to lose my temper with him, he somehow knows how to diffuse it immediately and then he makes me laugh.
He always makes me laugh, he is quick and irreverant and says the kind of things that appeal to my humour, the sort of things that make you gasp because did he REALLY say that? And then laugh, because he did and it was so well timed and so wrong. On saturday at the park it was sweltering, truly almost unbearably hot and we were enjoying it but also not. Mel said " Oh I am SO hot!" and without a seconds thought he said " Oh don't flatter yourself!"
Now if anyone else said that it would most likely sound insulting but when he says it ..it's hysterical.
He gets away with talking that way to almost everyone, he also knows how to take it when it gets handed back, which helps.
I am enjoying watching him from a distance as he grows, he is doing a great job. He has found a new job and managed beautifully in the weeks he hasn't had work. He is doing what he should be doing and more. I see that the years I raised him alone have paid off, whatever I did, I did right, he makes me proud.
Now he is grown, he is still my easiest child. Lanky great git.

Who needs words?

When we have so many pictures?
I think we can say that Elijah has had a happy day so far and the sun shone down ( so much that I may have a stinging and sore lobster face and the most fetching farmer's tan you ever might see)


His most precious friend Hannah.


Crisps and sunshine


and a treasure found!




Melon and brothers


new ball games


Chubby smiling babies, well just the one but he is glorious enough for several mediocre ones.


Sleeping chubby babies, 7 weeks old.


Briefly naked chubby babies


Playing in the water sprays

And watching other people having fun....


Argh! So HIGH! Sqeeeeeeeeeal!


You move...no YOU move!











There will be cake later and some snuggling on the sofa because you are still not too big for a blanket and a cuddle, even when you are five.
Happy Birthday Elijah Henry, we are so happy you are in our family. I think we didn't know what happy was until you were born.

Well, nobody lost a digit!

I am 46. I think I may have sworn more in the first morning of my 47th year than any other morning, it wasn't going well to begin with.
At noon, or very close to then I answered the door to discover a delivery man on the doorstep.
With these...from Cathy, in Boston

And things changed.
Life got good and kept getting better, right up until H and I went for dinner and my card was refused. ( and I wasn't in the least embarrassed because I knew I had more than enough to cover our meal, I knew it was their machine but still....not fun!
I took the boys out to run and jump and they did...




















The boys went to Jordan and Mel's house while H and I went for a delicious Indian meal, we may have left them there a bit longer than it took to eat, they played on the Wii and we got them just in time to go to bed.
I am going to take Eli to the Dr, he just cries all day, every day, this is not like him, he gets a fever, pukes, cries and sleeps, all randomly and when you are used to being such a happy go lucky soul, well something isn't right. I hope he has just got very tired and needs to catch up but it all seems weird to me, so we'll see.
For now, 46 isn't bad at all. I may hang onto it for a year and see how it goes.

Some things, well they are just so worth waiting for.....

This is the kind of day that this garden was made for, the laughing and fun was just fantastic, the sunshine was glorious, the food was good, the company was uplifting. I am so grateful for days like this. Jordan came with Mel and he made it such fun...he put dish soap on the slip and slide and he threw the kids down it...the laughing pictures are all after he had thrown them and they had shot off the end!

We are worn out and sunkissed, chilled out and happy. Can't get better than that can it?

Happy birthday my little stink Meister.

Seth Ammon is 7 today. I'm not sure what to think about that. 7 is sort of grown up, he smells grown up these days, especially on these humind days where he spends many hours playing basketball and bouncing on trampolines and not being keen to wash anything.

He is all boy.

He is going through a phase of super independance, he can do it himself. He can decide what to wear and how long to wear it and all 3 have decided that they no longer like pyjamas, that makes me very sad. I love clean and sweet smelling boys in cosy pyjamas. Tell me it's a phase and any evening now they will all decide that ack what were they thinking when the insist on wearing shorts to bed? Even though I have bathed and scrubbed and dried and handed them clean shorts, I still can't look at them and get all smooshy about how clean and comfy they are and all ready for bed, how cute! Can I admit that I actually used to get them ready for bed and make sure that should we all have need to be rescued in the night, the firemen would be impressed by how cute and clean and all matching pyjama'd we all were? ( when they were tiny babies I never EVER put them in a cot with even the tiniest bit of drool or sick on the sheet, because what if they died and someone took away all the bedding and saw that I was so slovenly as to not change a cot sheet? )

Not that I am mad or anything.

Now what? Burly firemen tut tutting about how that woman puts her kids to bed in clothes for heavens sake?! The shame, being the point of discussion and derision around the fire engine room or wherever they sit and have hot chocolate and discuss who the best dressed family were on this month's call outs.

Seth still has all but 2 of his little teeth, H was convinced that he would have more big teeth by the time he was 7, he sat at the table this evening and had Seth wiggle the top ones to make sure that they were really still very solid and not wobbly and likely to fall out overnight, tooth fairies can have a night off ( again) the stinky shoe fairy is going to have to come and throw away those running shoes though because they stink, really really STINK. Seth loves those shoes, he has taken to not wearing socks and then putting on these steaming shoes.

Did I used to kiss those feet? Willingly and with great delight? I think I did, I remember loving the smell of his little baby feet. Growing up is so sad, for the mummy anyway. Smells are everything to a mummy, that newborn head smell, silky little heads and necks and ears, breathe that deliciousness in, bottle it and love it and make it last as long as you can because slowly, the head starts to get that boy smell, that sticky sort of hot smell, I don't think Sophie ever got that smell, she always smelled a bit heavenly, 'til she started to smoke.

The little boy foot smell becomes something you avoid at all costs, frighteningly early. Seth's feet are toxic when he has been wearing those shoes. When he wakes up I am taking him to choose some new running shoes with air vents and leather and the stinky shoe fairy is coming to get those beloved foul things and taking them to a place far, far away.

I love the excitement that comes with little peoples' birthdays, such joy in mentioning how many days and sleeps until 'the day', at bed time saying " night night, see you when you're 7."

I love watching them and knowing that for the whole day they feel different. I can remember that feeling, how special you are because this is your day and you are SO much older than you were yesterday.

We are promised sunshine today, if it comes then we are doing the water party, friends and pools and hotdogs and cake ( which actually, I haven't even made because we didn't have enough eggs, who can remember eggs when cleaning 2 houses and ferrying boxes here there and everywhere? )

It is almost 2am, I had better go to bed because soon he will be up and be 7 and want all kinds of exciting things. Seven. Happy birthday Seth Meister.