Are you ready for this?

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Location: United Kingdom

Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Oh my good heavens....would you look at this!

This is our NEW HOME!! We move on june 28th, it belongs to our landlady, she is just transferring our deposit, the rent will stay the same but look, would you just LOOK!

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yes all that land is for US 1 acre!!!

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and so is this....double garage

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and this is a whole building on its own a whole utility house ...with playroom and another bathroom.

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and the kids bathroom has a jacuzzi!!!

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And our bedroom leads out onto a patio...and grass and fields and COWS AND SHEEP!!!

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and our room..with slopey ceilings and beautiful wood and an EN SUITE bathroom!!!!

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with a double power shower, thankyouverymuchohmy gosh.

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and you go UPSTAIRS to the living area which is just so bloody posh I nearly peed.

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look at this kitchen with its hidden fridges and dishwasher and shiny things.

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and the living room with fresh air and windows and a view
and lovely bedroom for the boys...

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and this huge garage

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and the doors....

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and ..look, if you ever have the chance to do good, even if it seems terrifying and you can't see how it will turn out, choose to do good, it pays off. Oh dear heaven. IF this house we live in now is hard to leave......I don't even want to think about leaving the new one, let's not.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Yeay, sort of.

I have a new laptop, the fixers failed a 28 day test and that means that I could go to the store and pick out a new one, ha ha. Kind of like the pizza for free if it doesn't arrive in 30 minutes, only better because now I have me a new upgraded, windows vista posh jobby that doesn't, alas have any of my pictures or favourites on it, I have scrabbled around and found some of your blogs but if you can leave me a lovely comment I can click and save and be back in blog reading bliss after 28 days of hardly reading any, I missed you.
I am one of those folk that have a hard time with new technology, I loathe having to work things out and make things work and all that jazz, I will keep a phone or a camera forever rather than have to learn about a new one. I never get the full use out of things either because, like my washing machine...I will boil wash my whites and everything else gets done on a number 4 wash..what's all that other stuff about?
What's been happening while I have been sneaking the odd moment on H's laptop? ( why has this laptop got the delete button in a completely different place to any other computer I have ever used? Darn it, keep hitting num lock instead of delete) Well, I am a bit relaxed and calm and sleeping at night and things, fancy! On saturday Sophie said she wouldn't be home, so I locked the doors and went to bed..she did come home and could only get as far as Jordan's empty room, she had to sleep on a cold, hard floor in tiny cold clothes....wouldn't you think that would bang home some kind of message? Like " hmmm, must make sure that they know I am coming home, or must get home before they lock up tonight? Apparently not, on sunday I went to bed at 1am, locking doors and sleeping beautifully, until 3am, H was downstairs with his poor aching neck, Sophie came home, knocked on window, H opened the door and ignoring her completely walked back into the front room. She was after a fight and followed him yelling " F******b arsehole, why'd you lock the f*ing door? Leave the damn door open bastard....." etc etc. I came out and when I came out he walked away from her again, she turned on me, every kind of insult, hateful name, swearword she knows, I told her to shut her damn mouth, smacked her with a pair of pyjama bottoms and then sat in the front room with H til 4am because I knew if I went near her and her foul mouth I would want to smash my fist into her big gob and maybe even kick her a bit. At 4am when it was quiet I wend my weary way back to bed and she was lying in wait for me, she threw a poisonous note at me and said she was going, and she did. I threw the letter away because it was mean and filled with all the usual rubbish, she has been staying at Jordan's flat, I hope he is tough and tells her to find her own place, the council have been trying to get hold of her to help house her but whether she is calling them back or not is a mystery. If Jordan lets her stay, she will take over, assume it is her place and then blood will flow.
Being able to lock the doors and sleep because I am not subconsciously waiting for her to come home, or worrying that she won't, or fretting that she will and start another fight. It has been heavenly and peaceful here. I am getting a glimpse of how it will be when we move and this is how it always is. She came home tonight and was obviously cross that she had to ask me if I knew where her black work trousers are ( somewhere under that 4ft pile of stinking mess on her floor I suspect) She wanted to ignore us and honestly, I can take that, because the noise, the swearing, the antagonism, the hostility..enough. Ignore me, my head likes that. Maybe when all is settled and she has her own place, when we have a new house, perhaps then we can get on, she has to want it though and she seems to love the fighting. I am all run out of fight though so she's out of luck there.
I hate to even mention it but it looks like I am back on the good for me lifestyle, back to enjoying it and feeling better and shhhhhhh....... losing weight, that's all I will say for now because seems as soon as I say anything I slide off again. It just feels better to breathe again and be comfortable, peeing like a race horse because of the fluids and lack of salty crap laden foods. ( that are very yummy but sluggish making) It seems like every 7lbs lost equals about an inch, half a size, which makes a difference, sitting comfortably or not, zipping up easily, or not. May this phase last long enough to make a big difference again. Please.
So, I have my new laptop, hopefully will know how it works soon enough and be back in the swing again anyday.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Blah blah.

Blah blah, Sophie Blah, no house yet, blah.
But.....on the positive note, we live here......

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Run you little buggers and get TIRED!!

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Just don't jump Eli-O!

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Ouch, gorse bushes hurt when you fall in them!
Then we came home and H had cleaned the whole house and then he cooked dinner, so Blah, it isn't so bad really, maybe.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

I almost wanted to stay!

The boys and H have gone camping, father and son camp, I kept Eli with me but we drove them to the site, out on the moors, it was beautiful, such excitement and fun......I mentioned that maybe we would hang out with them for a while so that Eli could sort of soak up some fun....Seth came from the back of the car with " Hmmm, actually, it think you'll find that it is a father and son camp." so, that was me put in my place!
On the way there Isaac needed to pee, typically, we had stopped to pick up Mac Donalds, so we said that he would have to pee in an empty cup. We were stopped and he stood up, between our seats i told him not to pull his trousers right down but just get his willy and pee in the cup. Uh oh....that means that his little willy was NOT pointing into the cup.....before we knew it he was peeing all over H! Everytime H would exclaim "HEY!! HEY!" Isaac would panic and turn and pee on me! I was hysterical, it was like some kind of weird comedy that you couldn't have planned, H didn't find it funny and Isaac was helpless, what could he do? Poor kid!

So we arrived at the camp and well........
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a knapsack on my back.....

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stopping for supplies

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Daddy and Isaac

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now that's a tent right there! ( teepee really but you know what I'm saying!!)

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down by the stream

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They are going to have a blast, playing football, building fires, midnight snacks, marshmallows, sleeping out all night. Heaven.
Hard for me because I have never done this before, my big kids didn't have a daddy to do boy things with, it was all ME, I had to leave because I wanted to fuss and manage and keep safe and worry. H knows what he is doing, he loves them, he CAN do it. I am learning new things and I am so old hand at it, so you would think!

I am excited to be here with my littlest boy, hot chocolate and the final of American Idol, cuddles and maybe a trip tomorrow morning for just him and me. Memories, I like doing this with the daddy, I am so glad that these little boys are getting this life.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

In short...

Because this house saga must be making you wish you could poke your eyes out with a blunt stick, I will keep this short.
I have been to the lawyer, took a letter from her to the council, me thinks he didn't like it but hey....suddenly things were explained to me, as if I actually have a brain and rights and stuff.
We found a great house.....but won't be renting it. I suspect that anyone reading this who doesn't quite have the same beliefs as us might find it bizarre that we can be so guided by 'feelings', all I can say is, feelings have never let me down when it mattered. I have great faith in that if we ask, we will receive guidance. We asked and were SO sure that no matter how impossible it might seem we had to go with the council, time is short and I panicked, I was so angry about the whole ' let them kick you out' thing that we started to look, we found houses, we looked, we were disappointed. Today we found a beauty of a house, it was perfect but when we left we both felt sick, sad, agitated until we worked out that those feeling were telling us that this is the very time we need to use our faith, walk away and wait for it all to be OK.
right after we made that decision to let this house go, I went to the council, had a very productive and positive talk with the man who has formerly left me weeping and then he told me that on June 15th he is leaving the council!! That means that someone else, a new person, with enthusiasm maybe for their new job, will be taking over.
I do know that he knew today that we aren't fading into the background, I made it super clear that we will not be willing to do anything that causes stress or hardship of any kind to anyone else, we would rather be in a B&B than cause burdens to anyone else. He acknowledged that we are working hard to house ourselves and doing everything WE can to be ready. That was a good feeling. Both H and I feel that this is still the way to go. It will be worth going through when we get our house, and we will get one, we just don't know when. The man at the council did say that whatever happens we will NOT ever be on the streets, phew.
That wasn't so short was it?? Sorry.
Haven't got a whole lot else to say as this housing situation is eating my life away.
My laptop is STILL not back, I am getting on their nerves, a new talent of mine, nag nag nag gimme what I want nag nag nag......3 weeks now, I want my laptop!!! Hopefully in a day or 3 it will be back. I miss it, much.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Just a couple...

Of pics from my new camera.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The horse came fourth....

Need I say more?
Jordan watched the race and said it ran about as well as I would have. Go figure as the saying goes!
We went to see a house today that from the outside made us a bit hopeful, understanding that wherever we go from this house is going to feel like a come down, we were ready for feeling a bit sad about moving anywhere else that we can afford, this house is neared to school, still close to town, seemed big enough, looked OK. When we got inside we were excited to see a beautiful kitchen, with HUGE gas stove, 6 burners, double oven, front room and dining room that is small but would do if we got rid of half our furniture ( is like a pain to have to give away anything we have so carefully built up) I have 'started over' far too may times, I feel unable to even think about doing it again, having to yet again give away the things that I thriftily bought and lovingly fit into our home. I don't want to lose anything else, damn it.
We went upstairs and that was when the misery really hit, no way can we make it work, one room was quite literally a box, no bigger than 4' x 5' .....the main bedroom was hideous, bright red and one wall covered in mirrored wardrobes, dear heaven, that's all I need, wall to wall ME.
No thankyou.
The bathroom was revolting too, the doorway was so small that it didn't even have a proper door, it had one of those foldy uppie doors that caravans have.
We are going to see one more house on thursday. Heart breaking that whatever we have to rent is going to cost pretty much as much as this one and be a third of the size, I continue to be horribly sad about the whole thing.
As far as the legal help goes, we can go for it but risk making everything worse for ourselves, I can't even bear to go into it really, not today.


Monday, May 21, 2007

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow....

Oh what a beautiful morning.......
I am on a high, that feels great to say that, shall I tell you why? Because I am doing something about our situation. Maybe the best thing that man at the council office could have done was go just that little bit to far and after speaking to me as though I am an idiot ( always a mistake) he then insisted that we have no choice but to behave badly. There is ALWAYS an alternative to behaving badly, there is always a way to do what is right.
This morning I went to see a lawyer who offers a 30 minute free consultation, it took about 5 minutes for them to say that they will take on the council for me AND I am entitled to legal aid, which means we won't have to pay them. They are as disgusted as I am at the instruction to sit tight and force misery and financial burdens on the owners of this house, they will help me to discover what ( if anything) the council are doing to help us get a house. They will also stand up for us when we say that will under NO circumstances do anything that will cause another person hardship, of any kind. They will also let Mr do nothing know that this time he has met his match, he told me to use my time wisely.....which is what I am doing. We have now found a possible 2 houses to rent, one of them is really exciting, still close to town and big enough without being overwhelming. I wish we could avoid all the costs and fees but unless the lawyer has some good news and soon, we will almost certainly be looking at handing over those costs, if it means we have a good house, we'll suck it up.
I have also emailed our local MP, hoping that he will give us some back-up too, I am just so appalled at the whole experience with the council, I am weary of being spoken to and treated as though I am worthless and stupid, it's time to fight back and let good win.
On a fun note....I got a call today from a lovely friend, she had been listening to the radio and couldn't believe her ears when the nice man who gives betting tips said that a horse was running, in my very town and its name is MY NAME..not just my first name, but my full name HELEN SURNAME running in the afternoon race in my town. Well, imagine. I am so not a betting girl, never done it, have no idea how to do it........but really, what can you do? What I did was go to a betting shop in town, skulking in the doorway for a second and then I WENT IN!
I only had £6 to my name because I am paying for my new camera today, I tried to walk to the counter discreetly, thankfully it wasn't very busy but I can't help but wonder if anyone from church saw me going in clutching my purse.....oh heavens!
Anyway, I said to the young man who was entirely too good looking to be stuck in a betting shop all day, " You'll have to help me, I have no idea what I am supposed to do but I want to put £6 on this horse...look it has MY NAME! My whole name, can you believe it?" truly, I felt as ashamed as if I were in a porn shop with my mum waiting outside, it just seemed like a fun thing to do as it is such a coincidence! So I have a betting slip in my purse, whatever next? If I win, or should I say the horse with my entire name ( truly bizarre!!) wins i shall be £37.50 richer apparently, giddy heights indeed.

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Every which way.

This post will be all over the place, flip flopping from one thought to another, I have been awake most of the night wondering where to go and what to do next, this will be a jumble of some of the ideas and thoughts that I have had.
The council be damned, is the first one. This week I have seen and heard that we will not be helped by this organisation ( using that name lightly as , pardon my french, they would be hard pushed to organise a piss up in a brewery, however....) they have lost paperwork, done nothing with the information we have given them, neglected to update the information and work on anything to do with our case. All that is bad enough, maddening enough but they pushed me to a new limit by insisting that unless we behave in a way that is completely against everything I have been taught and believe in, we stand no chance of being helped.
First flip......
I am watching my mum buy a new house, she has had to sell the home she had with dad and buy a smaller one that will be more manageable and cost effective. She is 69 years old, every week we hear of another bill that must be paid before the sale and new house purchase can go ahead, another hold up, another blow....each one a little more disheartening and disappointing.
When my dad died, he had nothing to leave, no money but he did leave the house with no mortgage but with a couple of loans against it. He had no treasures that could be sold, no earthly goods to speak of. When he died though, he did so with such dignity, with absolute peace of mind, not a shred of guilt or regret because he lived as he taught us, he lived the way he knew was right. He had so much integrity that there was no choice for us but to see and learn and build up our own standards by his example. We watched him die, surrounded by people who took time out from their busy lives to some and let him know that he was loved, that he was admired and that he was known as good man.
For me, that was more valuable than any material inheritance, I knew that when my time here is done, I want to be able to die with that same knowledge, that I had done as well as I could, that I would be remembered as being honest and good. That matters to me. I have seen people face death and be eaten up with regret, trying to scrabble together and say sorry, to right wrongs and make things 'better.' We never know when we will be faced with death, probably right then, that we just live in a such a way that should it come unexpectedly, we can breathe a sigh of relief and feel content that we did our very best to live well and do those things that are important to us.
H and I chose, without consciously making that choice known out loud, to pursue treasures that can't be counted in monetary terms. we have family, we have memories, we have closeness and standards that to us mean a lot. For us, somehow, even with brains and the ability to make good money and have careers, those things have eluded us, given the choice to make money and miss time with children etc, we chose to 'make do' I know that many people seem able to have it all....we haven't managed that. We have time with our children that many couples don't get, in time we feel sure that the rewards of that will be immeasurable, already with my bigger kids, I see what good I did by being available at all times, I see that in foregoing for myself the 'trappings' of wealth in order to be at home, my children have confidence and abilities I don't think I have myself. Now we don't have that choice, illness and events have us locked in a life that we have made good but is too late to change.
The choices we have made mean though, that we will never have the stability to buy a home, we don't have that choice, we are eternal renters.
I appreciate those people who have the means to buy and rent, I hate them sometimes because we are so at their mercy and more and more we are thrown from pillar to post through no fault of our own. However, I do appreciate that we are where we are because of choices we made, suck it up and remember the things we DO have that matter. All well and good.
So.....this is where we have hit a block that I am not willing to clamber over. The council have told us, several times, that in order for them to house us, we have to dig in our heels, when our time in this house is over we have to stay here and force either our landlady or the new owners to take us through the courts and evict us. If that doesn't happen then we will not be deemed homeless because legally, we are entitled to do this, we can stay until we are forced out by the courts.
How dare they tell us to do such a miserable and underhand thing? What about the people who are buying this house? the chances are this is a dream for them they could well be working out every penny, they have worked and chosen to buy this house and make it their own. They have a budget, I am sure of that, they have dreams. Imagine when they have finalised the deal, signed contracts, breathe a sigh of relief that at last this is their home.......then discover that we aren't moving out, that they now have to find extra money to take us to court and have us evicted? I won't do it. I won't be responsible for putting anyone through that...what if that were to happen to my mum as she completed on her new home? Where would she find that extra money for court fees? Where would she find that strength to deal with that extra stress and misery?
So, we lose out, in a way, we have found a couple of little houses, one is too small, we're all for downsizing but we need more space than a shed. One we have seen is small but still lovely, a bit like this one's very little sister. Right in town, hopefully big enough..we'll see on thursday. The council will not have to house us, we hope. I am not scuttling away beaten though. We are going to see the MP for our town, I am going to be writing letters and causing a stink and I might even take this to the newspapers, because I am so disgusted that these people who are paid to look out for families like ours are NOT DOING THEIR JOB.
They are dishonest and underhand. The man in charge of our case hasn't even got a list of housing associations that he works with , how can he call and ask how many houses they have if he doesn't even know who they are? It took me one morning to find a list, make some calls and discover that they will not ( with the exception of one association) divulge information about available homes to anyone but the council. He could find out with one call what homes are available, when more will be vacant...but he doesn't do that, he sits and waits for them to come to him and then he forgets who needs what.
I learned that 2 houses just right for us have just been allocated, our names wouldn't have been put forward for either of those because when I spoke to someone else on friday and he read our paperwork, according to what is written, we are living in a house that is 'adequate' that we have no medical points, that we are faced with impending homelessness but have the option to sit down and as yet are not 'even' facing court eviction, so no sweat then, no need to even consider us.
He tells people to cause contention and misery to hardworking landlords and home owners to make his job easier. Hateful, low life scum of a man...and he is not alone.
The council be damned, but we won't be.
If we have to move into a tiny house and pay over the odds, if we have to keep going through this misery and worry, I suppose that is what we will have to do but we will have the knowledge that we have not been the reason of anyone else's misery or stress. We will be able to hold our heads up high and know that we did what was right. Maybe our reward will be in heaven.......we can but hope!
Now, we have to dig deep, tighten our belts and try hard to get enough cash together to pay yet another deposit, another month in advance, removals and all that jazz. Here we go again. I would choose to live in a caravn and have a clear conscience than do what they are telling us to do.

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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Guess what.......

Enormous happening today, no house news of course but certainly as exciting!
Isaac went to play at Levi's house today, ON HIS OWN! Didn't need me to stay. Oh my goodness! It was very touching.
" Can I go to Levi's house? Phone his mummy she is called Claire, she says I can go, today, phone her, they live at number 8, phone her now"
" It's very early, 6.45am, Levi will still be asleep, we will call later though"
3 minutes later
" Is it later now? Can you call her now, shall we go? Can I get dressed?" ( it was a very long morning let me tell you!)
" Isaac, do you want me to come with you?"
"No. I can go on my own, I will just stay with Levi, I don't need you"
( astounded, have never heard anything like this from Isaac)
" so, you will have fun, will you ask Levi if you need the toilet?"
"No, I will just look around the house until I find it"
" Will you talk to Claire?"
"No, I can't do that"
Fast forward several hours......long hours filled with time checks and questions.
We arrived at Levi's house, he was touchingly waiting for Isaac, looking out of his front room window, this caused the most divine reaction in Isaac.
" you go in and say Hello"
" Well, I think Levi wants to see you and hear you say Hello.."
" No, I can only talk to him at school .... HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........ I can't go in! ( he hid behind the wall) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! you know that high pitched sort of out of contril laugh that is accompanied by an urgent need to pee because this is SO exciting and terrifying? He did that while huddled on the floor behind the wall. this went on for a while , Claire had opened the door and left it open......eventually I said "OK, we'll just go home now then shall we?" He stood up and in seconds flew through the open door, called for Levi and ran up the stairs!!! He stayed there without me for 2 hours! I checked my phone 3 times because I couldn't believe he was there. 2 hours later I got the call, he actually spoke to Claire and asked if she would call me now..... what a boy! This is a HUGE deal for him. ( and me) Sort of embarrassing that he just cannot say hello or goodbye, when I got there he froze and hid behind me as I said the thankyous and Elijah played with Romeo ( Levi's little brother)
We are so lucky that we have so many people in our lives that completey get it right with Isaac, so many people accpet him just as he is, they ignore him and thus allow him to come to them, they don't react to his apparant rudeness, the face turning and 'refusal' to speak, they wait for him to do what he is ready to do, when he is ready to do it. It is so hard for me NOT to insist that he say goodbye, thankyou etc. It is a daily thing to remember that his mind works differently to ours, that he feels things differently.
The head teacher at his school wrote a fabulous letter for me to take to the council, we have such support for this little boy, because of this I see him make such enormous strides in what must seem a daunting world.
Days like this make me see that there is still so much to be thankful for.

And some pictures..not of Isaac though! Seth who is a basketball obsessive, happy boy! And Eli who wants to be like Seth.

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And..I am a bit giddy about this, I just won a camera on ebay, a posh one......oooooweeeeeeeee, hope it doesn't frighten me with its grandness. It is this one...... whooppeee!!!!


Friday, May 18, 2007

I said " PISS" in front of my MUM!!

That's how bad things are getting around here! We had a day out today, mum, Julie, Leah and me, we went to Somerset and ate lunch and visited happy places and ate cake. ( Leah's birthday, happy 29 girlie)
I drove, because I have a big car and I feel a bit superior high above the minions, Julie has a Micra, you can image can't you?
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It's name says it all, it gets many miles to the gallon and we would have all fit in OK, if we kept our arms tight next to our sides and didn't breathe in too deep. I think our bottoms may have been grating on the road though and I might have been afraid as I am so used to being up high. So we took my car and used 3 times as much petrol ( £30, ha I am so carefree and lackadaisical) Why am I telling you whose car we went in? It doesn't matter a jot. Still you know now so I shall carry on.
Also, before we left I had a panic attack and called about a house near us, a tiny little terraced house, 2 up 2 down that would be cosy and cheap and cramped but would have a roof and everything. I called after speaking to the man who gives not a damn at the council and having wept with frustration while actually ON the phone, enough, they broke me.
I left a message and as we were leaving Taunton, my cell phone rang and it was the owner ( no agents yippee up £300 before we start) anyway, we will go and see said little house on monday. It is comfortingly near this house, the next street but one even, awwwww...bless, we could still walk into town, school , Jordan is spitting distance away and Sophie, the girlie one, went today to see a bedsit just over the road, close but far enough away that we would never have to listen to that music again unless we visit her in her OWN HOME imagine. She needs a deposit of £400 which is huge for a young thing but she needs to find that so that she a) appreciates how much it all costs and b) she then takes care to look after her place and get that back again. It's tough being tough but it's what has to be done. She is going to be OK, she is....isn't she?
Anyway, as we were driving back , after I had wept ( actually was weeping as the phone call came through) I said to all and sundry who were trapped in my car, a captive audience, unable to escape unless they were willing to throw themselves out onto the motorway....
" Actually, " I said " I am just very tired of feeling like I am just waiting to be happy, I thought moving into this house would be the beginning and then damn if Dad didn't die, selfish git ( they love me enough to laugh when I say things like that, even though they all still miss him so much that it is impossible to hear a blackbird sing without making their eyes leak) then, well we just start to feel that ..deep breath....OK NOW we can start, now it's going to be great...look sunshine .....arseholes, house sold HOMELESS!"
at this point, as I had to draw breath, mum chipped in with
" Helen, it will be fine, when you are 86 you will look up and realise you are happy, you will say...."

I had a lung full of air by now, was ready to talk again so I broke in with

" I'm sitting here in a puddle of my own piss but I have never been happier!"

I said THAT to my mum ( who said 'bloody' once, I heard her, I'm not sure she had ever heard the word 'piss' in her whole life until right that very second)......I think I made her make her own little puddle right then, right there, in my car, which is fine because it smells of dog anyway, what's a bit of laughter widdle between family?

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

No news.
Nothing, except yet another demeaning conversation with the man at the council, I wrote him a letter that I may well not send but it made me feel better to write it.
I am not doing so well with it all these days, it is so hard to be in this situation but really we have no choice. We simply do not have the ridiculous fees and up front money that private rentals take, £300 just to do a credit check..that's before you get to the fact the we are on benefits, it doesn't seem to matter that we have great references that prove we pay rent on time, every month. I have been looking, more so that I can tell the po faced misery at the council that I have looked, there are maybe 1 or 2 houses that would, at a pinch, be better than a park bench but all way over priced and none anywhere near a good area to live.
I feel nauseous all day every day. Helpful when it comes to eating, as H says, stress can be so under rated sometimes.
I try to tell myself that it's just for a while, before we know it we will know where we are going but in truth, it could be a long time, we could be facing life in a hostel. Great. That's one of those things that shouldn't be thought too hard about unless it is a certainty.
As long as my children don't end up with filthy fingernails and dried on snot all over their school jumper sleeves we'll be alright. Will I have to feed them pot noodles and let them eat sausage rolls for breakfast if we live in a hostel? I am so ill equipped having lived such a sheltered life. I know H will have to read the SUN newspaper and probably smoke roll up cigarettes, I might have to sit on a bench at lunch time and drink cider out of plastic bottles ( which might be quite nice) the boys may have to have their names changed to slightly less biblical ones. Suggestions please.
The prospective new owners had a survey done at the house yesterday, I was helpful and told the surveyor all about the damp and the broken boiler, the leaky shower, spongy floorboards. He didn't miss anything anyway, hopefully that will give us an extra week or two. I hate this. Please let this be the last time, ever, that we face anything like this.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

Soon please.

SO, here we are. Jordan has moved into his new home. it is BEAUTIFUL! the building has to be 200 years old at least, I love walking 'round old places with wobbly walls and crooked floors, great thick walls...the whole place has such character. The windows are little and open right out onto the hustle of the town center, H loves the fact that a small butchers shop is right underneath, he says we could send Seth down to buy some chops for dinner!
The tiny little pathway to get in the door is lovely, we stood and watched people walking through town and I knew that I would be in heaven nosing at everyone without them knowing!!
I was so relieved to meet Mel's mum. I somehow had it in my head that she was a young and hip person, ready to move in with these 2 kids and wait to join her turkish toyboy. I was dreading being the old frump with frizzy hair and on the brink of hot flushes. Hooray then that she looks just like someones mum. Maybe older than me, maybe not. She seemed shy or embarrassed and I realised that this is a way for her to escape a husband who is an alcoholic, a new beginning and also, perhaps a way to keep an eye on her daughter who is after all 17.
I watched my boy become a man and saw his excitement at this new step. I wanted to step in and buy 'stuff' that they need, they don't have any furniture in the front room but then I remembered how exciting it is to start with nothing and do it all yourself, so I went to Asda and bought ketchup and toilet paper.
Sophie is doing so beautifully at her new job, sometimes I can see so clearly that for all her gobbing off , all her loud and in your face showing off, she is actually just afraid, she doesn't have much confidence of self esteem and so she covers it all up by yelling and trying to get in first with the negative things before someone else says it. When she sees that she IS good at something, when she is praised and complimented on a good job, she changes. She has been giving me half of what she earns so that I can save it for her, she is talking about when she moves out instead of yelling about being 'thrown out'. She will be fine. I know it.
Things are falling into place, I am still learning patience and exercising faith and doing one day at a time. I really do feel calm, that isn't pretend. CALM. Me. Fancy that.
I went to pick Sophie up today , she was at a friend's house and was so sick, so off I went and almost got lost ( but not quite, I am getting better!) and found myself on a council estate, there in front of me was AN EMPTY HOUSE! Imagine! It was big and had a big garden with HIGH WALLS and a gate that even Elijah couldn't climb over. Front and back garden and it was pretty OK. I had as much of a snoop as I could get away with and then I was so excited because this house is not where I want to live. If I could choose it would certainly not be this estate. BUT..... I knew that if we were given that house I would be happy, it would be fine, we would love it. So, now I know that it really will be just fine. Wherever we go we can be happy. I just hope they tell us SOON! I'm not too sure that this calm and accepting new me will last much longer.
I am very very grumpy about the little things.
Homelessness looming, whistle a tune.
Old man shouting at me because HE was on the wrong side of the road....YELLING RIGHT BACK AT HIM TO SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Car falling apart and costing way too much money . *sigh* ho hum.
Dropping happy meal on floor .. BLEEP. YELL. SCREECH. Slam door.
I am trying to be good...but am running out of whatever it takes. HELP.

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

So, how does YOUR darden drow?

Just asking.
Has this boy got teeth or what? Sucking of the thumb is so cute but ouch, those teeth are going to need some bracing later on aren't they??


Friday, May 11, 2007

It's raining, it's pouring.

It really is, buckets and buckets. All week it has poured down and we are waterlogged and mightily tired of it. Tonight was the Father and son camp and we didn't mention it, we mentioned it now, all week because the boys are too young and H is too old for camping in rain like this. At bathtime I started to get Isaac undressed and he said
" But I want to wear these shoes to camping"


" well, there is no camping because it is so wet and rainy and cold, no camping"
"But it's friday and we are going camping on friday and IT'S FRIDAY!"
"Also" said Seth " we have a tent and we will be in the tent and we will be camping."
I could feel a melt down of such disappointed and unforgiving proportions, I could feel their bones melt with such horror and misery at not going camping...that they went camping, look....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Phew, happy campers, stories and lanterns and they are very happy and asleep. I remembered this little beach tent and it is perfect for bedroom camping! I think they will eat sausages and beans for breakfast and all will be more than alright. Yeay.

I went to Deb's house and we ate and watched " Holiday" or "the holiday", Cameron Diaz and the delicious Jude Law. Lovely movie and nice to get out and about. Am tired.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

I play upon my own.

I picked the boys up from school today, kind me, rain and more rain and strong winds that take your breath away and sting your cheeks, i will pick them up in the car and carry them home in style.

" What are YOU doing here? Where's my dad?"

"Oh......I really want my DAD to get me"

"But where's my daddy?"

" I have the CAR and also CHOCOLATE!"

" I don't want chocolate, I just want my dad to pick me up"

" Don't you just have the kindest daddy?"

"Well, it doesn't FEEL like he is very kind when he doesn't pick us up"

I feel so cherished and adored and wanted.
That's what happens when you let someone else pick your kids up and they take scooters and basketballs and wait nearly 2 hours while the kids play with friends.
While I was at school I took the chance to ask about Elijah at nursery, so used to talking every other day about Isaac when he was there, we tend to just dump and run with Eli, the 'normal' one. He loves nursery and they never stop us to chat about a 'few concerns' so we assume he is doing well. He is. Hoorah. They tell me that he is a quiet little boy, keeps himself to himself and blends in.
ELIJAH???? Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs. I'd have laid money on him being a front man. Center stage and one of the lads. Not so. You live and learn. I spoke with him last night and asked about his friends. Asked him who he played with.
"No-one" whereas before he has always said Jared and beloved Mia. Apparently there IS no Jared and Mia is a bit of a livewire. He is happy and does all the activities, he is just very quiet.

"So, you don't play with anyone at all?"
"No, I just play upon my own" And it would appear that this is just as he likes it.

Shall I tell you , at the risk of sounding positive about something that I am losing weight? I almost hate to mention it as it must be some sort of freaky deal, certainly not anything I am doing consciously, 7lbs has slithered off all on it's own, perhaps I am eating myself up with stress or something, hooray, hang onto that silver lining I say. I wanted to start SLIMMING WORLD this week but the car ate all my money, hopefully I can start in a week or so when my balances are a bit healthier.
The final bit of car mending is happening on monday, my lovely local garage is fixing it for half of the price quoted by the other place, why I didn't just let them do the whole thing is beyond me, they are always so honest and thorough, I think my brain was farting or something. So another £230 and it should be ready to guzzle it's thirsty way through another year for us. Petrol is nearly £1 a LITRE now, that's almost $8 a gallon. Hell.
My biggest boy called yesterday, his words were " I've been thinking, look at houses to buy, I am going to get a mortgage, buy a house and you can rent it from me, then you'll never have to move" Bless his beautiful face. I said no but he says he is going to the bank anyway. I just think that housing your parents isn't in a childs job description. We will hold out for a council house and try to encourage him to but a small house for him to live in.
He is thinking hard about moving down this way, that would be such a blessing. He is unhappy with his job and is no longer with his partner ( hoorah, that man just held him back, didn't want him to do anything or go anywhere , dragging him down all the time) so the ties he has up there are loose now, he could get work here pretty easily, it would be so lovely to have all my kids nearby.
OH!!! Sophie has another job! This means that she could quite easily get a houseshare now. She seems happy and much more relaxed about moving out. What a relief. I really know that she will grow and be happier when she is independent. The new job is in a pub, which means that although she will still probably be drinking, she will be getting paid while she does it and the drinking will be less. I hope.
So things are slowly slotting into place, I am getting through the days in a fog of rather splendid mindlessness, trying not to think too hard about anything I can't change, having little daydreams about how, actually, there is as much chance of things turning out quite beautifully as badly, how we might actually get a lovely house in a nice area....... how splendid, looking at the do-nut instead of the hole, a new approach for me but not unwelcome. I might even stick with that way of thinking, it's quite nice I have to admit.

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I don't think I have too much to say, which probably means I will post absolute nonsensical drivel because the blog must be written, even if no-one is reading anymore and the few that are still reading are so bored with my grizzling that they wish they hadn't clicked on that link out of habit!

The car is half mended, new shiny exhaust, the sweet thing about the garage that mended it is that Nigel, mechanic and Darren with the obviously uncomfortable underpants that need removing from his bottom and pulled away from his nether regions every 6 seconds, are both so thrilled with everything they do that they show me. Is it a compliment that I must appear to care what screw went where and how shiny that mid section of exhaust is and look! Nigel cut his finger getting that bugger off it was so rusted on ...see?
They raise the car up on the ramp and make me go underneath to look at their handy work ...which makes me sort of uncomfortable because I read newspaper headlines in everything I do " Mother of 6 crushed by her own car, wasn't even a good car, had failed MOT, it did have a shiny exhaust though, shame she never got to actually drive it"
I paid for the work and the parts and the half mending with the very last of my hard earned savings, I have felt uneasy about that because this year has been a good one for being thrifty and careful, I have become accustomed to having money in all 3 accounts, not much, but always something to fall back on when we need it and enough to pay for the passports and what have you, now they are all 3 empty and echoey and sad looking balances. The good thing is that the money WAS there to pay for the car, I can start all over again and work towards our holiday in California, and moving and all that jazz. All in a days work.

I went to the council today and heard more or less the same story, lots of blah blah and nothing. All will be well though, somehow, won't it? I have to say that I am beginning to try and look at the things I WON'T miss about this house, like the shower falling on my head everytime I get in it. It has something against me I swear because H says it never falls on him, the whole thing comes off the wall as soon as I open the door, blasted thing.
I won't miss the cooker much either or the death trap stairs out of Jordan's room down to the car parking space. I think that's all I will enjoy leaving though, which is a pretty paltry list isn't it? Bit bleak if you're looking for the bright side of all this isn't it? Oh the dining room door keeps coming of it's hinge because the wood is a bit soft. Sheesh, get me out of the hell hole.
I love this house, I really do.

We have almost reached the point where we can't do much more until we leave, a few more bits to shove in boxes but really the rest won't take but a day or two when we know where we are going. I am mostly filled with dread about the relentless form filling that comes with moving, reapplying for everything, setting up accounts for this that and the other, changing phone lines, internet, letting the bank know, the utilities, even driving licence....oh I hate it, I really do. I am worried that it all takes so long to set up and if they wait too long things will overlap and get messed up, I know, worrying about things that don't need worrying about yet. That's me folks.

So, drivel over for another day.

Oh, if this isn't the most heart rending and horrifying story, what this family is going through is unimaginable, please pray that this little girl is found, and soon. I just keep wondering how frightened this baby must be, what must her parents be feeling? I have been kissing the naughty boy 'til his face aches, 3 is still a baby. I feel sick. I hope they find her.
The story is that the 3 children were asleep, so the parents went to a restaurant 50 yards away for dinner, popping back to check on the kids every 30 minutes, on the last check they found the shutters opened, the door open and Madeline gone. All kinds of thoughts are stirred when you know that fact but the point is, she is a baby and a very poor choice by her parents doesn't mean this 'deserved' to happen, so sad because the hotel has a babysitting service, the kids have to go to a creche though, I imagine the parents thought the kids would be better asleep.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

That was a good one.

Today was great, uplifting and inspiring and touching. It was spiritual and as a family we seemed very close and united. Days like today are priceless. I am completely reassured that things will all fall into place soon, that life is about to take a turn and we will be happier than we have been in a long time.
Absolutely nothing concrete has happened to make me feel like this, all of it is to do with faith. I tried to write some of the things that have happened that have calmed my jagged nerves but in black and white it all appeared as though actually, I have lost it completely and have become cuckoo!

Seth is changing so fast at the moment that it's almost a risk to take our eyes off him, he is growing and developing and I'm not sure I have ever met anyone quite like him. He is intense in everything he does and like H, when he likes something, he really likes it. He will play basketball for hours, shooting over and over and I have yet to see him get tired before he is told to stop and eat or have a bath etc. He is incredibly intellectual as well, H and he continue to have in depth conversations about all kinds of things, he is like a sponge and once he hears it, he remembers it. He is fascinated by scripture lately and I thought that was more about the history and facts of it all, today he showed that his spirituality is developing, he is gaining a true understanding of the meaning behind scripture of what the relevance is to us, in these times. He is 6. He blows me away. Today he chose to fast! He listened to what fasting is all about, he understood that when we fast in conjunction with prayer then that is a show of faith and added commitment to Heavenly Father, that we can add power to prayer.
He knows that we are praying for a home, not just any house, but a place that will be right for us, that we can settle in and make ours. He said that when we were at church, he didn't want his snack, that he would 'fast' and go without to show that he was with us in our prayers that the people in control over our application for housing would be guided and a house would become available for us.
He stuck with it, without a word, when Isaac and Eli had their snack, he just didn't share it, he didn't make a big thing of it, he just carried on reading his book. He also talks to the other boys about behaviour and consequences and things he believes are right and wrong ( you think they listen, even a bit??!) Good job Isaac and Elijah are such heathens ( despite having such Holy names!!) we might be tempted to be a bit superior and grand if it weren't for them. Eli is very fond of the word 'Penis' at the moment, we are in danger of wearing it out, not a good thing.

Jordan has his room all packed up, bed dismantled, pictures down. It echoes in there. He asked if was sad about him moving out, not at all ( I am a good mummy, I did not yell ' are you KIDDING??' ) I am excited for him, I think he is in for a big shock when he sees how things on paper look much easier than they really are in real life, but we all learn that lesson in life so it won't hurt him at all.

So, all in all today was just what I needed, I am still SO itchy, the rash has gone but the itch is still there, my whole body itches, makes me grumpy even when the rest of me is happy!
I am excited to tell you all about our house when know about it, I have a feeling that it will surprise us in many ways. I have a busy week, getting that damn car roadworthy, being a squeaky wheel at the housing office, the boys have tomorrow off school , may bank holiday...did we have this many days off when we were at school? I think not!

I am ready for a great sleep tonight, I have been sleeping much better lately, how great is that? I love sleep and should be the last person on earth to be an insomniac..... I think I might be disturbing my H though, not that he would ever say a word, such a gentleman. He seems tired, he spends so much time wearing them out, it think he wears himself out too, we are so old to have these little jackrabbits! Yesterday he took them to the park, they took the tent and set it up and had a trial run for this weekend when they are going on a father and son camp on a farm! I am keeping the Eli boy at home, he is still too little, he was pulling it all down as fast at the others were putting it up. I think H and the 2 others will have a blast, Eli and I are going to a girls night out at my friends house, he will sleep while we all have fun without any men and too much chocolate. Perfect all 'round.


Friday, May 04, 2007

1 Down.......

so, Jordan has a new home. He is so excited, Mel and he and Mels' mother have a great new f;at in town. It is a weird feeling to see him grow up so quickly, one minute a lolloping oaf and now, ready to be a grown man supporting himself and having his own home. Wow. My 2 grown boys out in the world doing a good job. Proud. I am.
Sophie is happy right now, the one boy she has held a candle for likes her back at last. Please let this be a happy time for her. Also, please let her grow up a bit more, she is being an ostrich, her head is so far down in the sand her arse is getting sunburned. Worried I am.
The rest? Pah.

My laptop is still away being mended, I don't have my links or addresses, I miss many of you.....I will be back as soon as my lovely Fujitsu is back on my lap.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Is it over yet?

£600. The car. to mend. Just to get it legally on the road. SIX HUNDRED POUNDS.
Every day I am more determined to stop bloody whining and turn my face to the sunshine and count my blessings etc etc.
The good news is... I didn't think about impending homelessness at all today. yeay.


Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The most literal angel.

So, yesterday, when I referred to this whole moving thing as a fairground ride, I emailed some friends and said " Stop the ride!" It would appear that one of my angels is a very literal one, autistic perhaps, knowing that I will love him anyway and understand that he meant well he ( or she, though I doubt that somehow) worked his magic and he stopped my ride. It's just that he stopped the wrong one, he stopped the car, the one that had it's MOT today.
Dear old car / damn crapheap failed it's MOT, not catastrophically but enough that it is going to cost money that I have but could really use for other things like moving, or citizenship papers or chocolate, lots of it. It need bodywork ( don't we all?) because one of the rust bits has gone wild and made a jaggedy sharp weapon like thing over the wheel. It has a very sick exhaust and needs replacing (ouch that will be lots of money I think) and it also has a nearside outer rear upper suspension arm that has excessive play in the ball joint, imagine...that one almost sounds like fun to someone with such a sheltered lifestyle as myself. It also sounds expensive.
I called the friendly but very Indian sounding man who supplied parts that saved me much cash last year and he promised to look and call back and give me an estimate, but he didn't and when I called him back he said to call again tomorrow.
I am lacking patience at the moment and find that in the very small areas in my life where I actually have a modicum of control, I have become very forceful and vocal and ready to make clear that HEY YOU! Don't tell ME to come back again! Oh no....just watch me I will go somewhere ELSE and find my parts and you can whistle because this I CAN do and I WILL, yes indeedy. So, I will take it to the nice man who saves me money on my tyres ( spelled correctly thankyou mr spellcheck, don't try and make me use an 'I' because I am English and we use a 'Y' in our Tyres) and he will look at my dangerous and gas leaking exhaust that must not be allowed to pollute the air or make noise and give me a quote to supply and repair.. and if he is nice to me and accepts that I am the boss and in charge, I will let him fix my old car and pay him and not weep or make a spectacle of myself in any way.
I saw a car like mine, well the same make anyway, that was newer and shinier and not at all scratched or bent or rusty, it even had shiny wheels and clean seats. It looks navy blue unless you tilt your head and then it is a sort of purple colour that made me happy. It was for sale at the very same garage that failed my car today. It was £3,995. I bought it in my head because if I am allowing myself flights of fancy about having a roof over my head after june 23rd ( which is the actual and real date we will be homeless) I thought that I really ought to be allowed to really let rip and imagine a shiny newer blue / purple car as well, is there no stopping me ?
So, my literal and probably aspergeric angel stopped the ride for me, bless him.
I spoke to my landlady today, somehow I just can't help liking her, she sounds so apologetic and full of promises that we won't be thrown on the streets and made to live in cardboard boxes. I asked her what she wanted me to do with all the bits and bobs that were left here when we moved in, rugs and pictures and a glorious HUGE mirror that I love. She said we can have it all, take it and keep it. Yeay, I am happy about that because it's nice stuff. so that's kind isn't it? I am also happy about the fact that because the house is sold, we don't have to bust a gut painting and cleaning carpets, the new owners will just rip it all out and do it all the way they want it. So, i shall wipe and wash and make it all smell nice but shan't break a sweat.
I find myself getting almost excited about moving and then I remember that I don't know where we are going and that we don't have anywhere to move TO and then I have to pat my chest and tell myself to BREATHE or I will DIE.
While the car was at the garage failing it's damn test, even though I made it study and told it that it would be so in trouble if it let me down, I took a bus to Torquay which is very beautiful, I walked in the sun and felt a delicious breeze on my face, I bought a magazine and an ice cold lemonade, I looked in shops and wore my crocs flip flops and I realised that all over the world there are women praying and pleading and begging for their childrens' lives, women who can't feed their children or give them even the most basic thing like clean water.
I thought of how heaven must be with the angels trying to hear and answer and protect and I thought about how really, really great my life is. As I prayed, I asked that perhaps one angel be spared just to keep an eye on us, to look out and guide the man who said he would be working on our case at the housing office, maybe my dad has a moment to spare that he can nudge that housing man in the right direction and show him a house that would be right for us. Other than that you know, I don't have much to cry about.
I came home and listed some things on freecycle, I put my posh 3 wheeler pushchair on there because I love it so, Eli doesn't need it anymore and I cannot bear to sell it or throw it away and I listed our piano. Not only do I have that lovely glowy feeling of making someone happy, I have the busiest email box I have ever had in my life.....hundreds , somehow I now get an email every time anyone post anything on freecycle. I could have me a dishwasher and bicycle and empty files and safety gates, you name it, I'm getting it. Hooray, almost feels like I have 100 new friends emailing me to tell me about great deals. I have absolutely NO idea how to stop the emails, for now I am just enjoying the feeling of checking emails and seeing 22 new messages, whoohoo....let me READ them and see who loves me!!!! Oh, table and chairs with screw missing but still has a year or two left in it. Hmmmm lady who is mad that although she emailed me 2 minutes ago about pushchair, I haven't replied yet and have I been trying to reply? HAVE I? Well?? Can she have it or not? NOT!
So, house is sold to regular but sort of rich couple, not investor who loves us and wants us to stay, am accepting that fact and counting the blessings I do have like Isaac who read 200 words at school today in a number 7 voice that was clear and happy, and Elijah who didn't wear his hair extension today but did wear Auntie Leah's flip flops all morning, Sophie who is being nice even though she has AF and that usually makes her the devils spawn, Jordan who hugged me til I had no breath left in my body and told me that he would help us get a new house and that I have looked after him for 19 years and so now he would look after me, Dan who calls and says that he is going to London with friends to see the Lion King and shall he get a twin room and can I come?
And H....who filled the fridge with slimfast because he loves me and not because I am fat but because he doesn't want me to die. Who walks to school carrying basketballs and scooters and precious Nike shoes that must be worn after school because school shoes are rubbish for basketball, who stays until 5 pm letting 3 little boys play and scoot with friends, who brings back 3 little boys so tired they can barely eat dinner and have a bath, who hands over his laptop because mine is being fixed and doesn't even cast a sideways glance while I use it, whose history on his laptop in completely filled with sites about history and animals and all things wholesome and honourable. who sits for an hour every evening reading bambi and grimms fairytales, who makes touching rituals for little boys to do and makes memories with them the like of which we would all pay a fortune to have in our hearts from our own childhoods.
So, the welts have almost gone from my arms, I am pretty sure that there is an angel set aside to look out for us, we will be OK, I am trying to stop fretting over every detail, I am trying to let go and let God and just concentrate on those things I do have control over. Phew, try again tomorrow.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

think I feel a bit sick......edited to whine some more!

The good news is, we won't have to show anyone else around, we can live like pigs and boil fish and throw chip wrappers on the floor.
I am probably a bit annoyed that no-one tells us anything, I took Eli to nursery and came back to see the sign. I say probably because to be annoyed would take energy that I don't have, I use all my energy scratching my arms and dry heaving.
We are naught but a detail that pays rent while being tossed aside. Oh well, now we HAVE to get a council house, right?
I never ever want to feel this helpless again ( but somehow I feel it isn't over yet)
I see, as time goes by that this thing has been planned meticulously by our landwoman( not feeling like she a lady much at all right now) right down to when she would get our last rent cheque. She won't go without a blasted penny while we scrabble around trying to get what we need to move to wherever we get put. She's perhaps not as stupid as her letters make her appear, maybe she just can't transfer that sneaky onto paper.
I have been a scrubbing demon this home smells divine, I was about to have a lovely nap to make up for not sleeping last night, now I am all stomach knotted and fretful......bugger.
I think, in a minute I will convince myself that this is a good thing, all the wondering taken away, and no more strangers parading through the house etc. just looks kind of scary to see SOLD outside the window and still not have any idea where we are going.
I don't like this ride. there isn't even a sturdy railing to hang onto while we are being catapulted towards uncertainty, pity there's no stop button, we on it til it flings us off.


this really is horrible, I called the council to make sure they had the papers I took in yesterday, yes, they do. Then we begin the chicken game again.....
** just slotting in here with a word, if any comments or emails tell me to get a job, send H to get a job so we can buy a house, I will track you down and punch you. I am aware that if we worked it would be easier to rent or buy but we can't work, we are decrepit and sick and at the very bottom of the usefully employable pile. Sucks but there we are.**
So he said " so you should use your time wisely " ( oh, you mean scrubbing and packing and scratching and explaining to children who ask over and over where they are going to live that we don't know but it will be OK) he also said " just because they sold doesn't mean you have to move out.....get them to pay your deposit for a new rental, find a new rental, stay where you are and make them take you to court ( oh right...court costs and lawyers and eviction orders and bailiffs, yeay just what we need, shut up and get me a damn house!!)
then I got the talk about how few houses there are and how he will be working on our case tomorrow but he can't speed anything up because it can't BE speeded up and maybe I should use my time wisely and find myself a house.
CHICKEN! You'll break before me....betcha can't hang about and wait, betcha you go out and find a rental before I get off my arse and find you a council house and even if I had one here right now I wouldn't tell you because we want you to find one for yourself and not make us sweat and move and actually see if we can help.
I know someone who was in this position and she took her kids to the housing association, stood there and said " they're yours, house them, I am sick with worry, there is nothing I can do, take them, I'll sleep in a bus shelter" Can you imagine? I can't actually but it worked...she got a house.
I know it is tough, I know there is a shortage of housing but it isn't impossible, I know they can do it, somehow. So they need to do it because I simply cannot, I do not have it in me to go through the whole degrading process of trying to convince rental agencies that we are good people, good tenants, reliable people. Waiting and wondering and hoping and praying and then being told no, again, not good enough, again. Then, maybe we ARE good enough, hooray, someone lets us rent their house, pay the mortgage for them, love their house and look after it. Stick with all their requirements and rules. Grow to love the house and then SMACK....get it again.......I can't . I really can't. The house is sold, my soul isn't.

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