Guns and hammers.

I hate phone calls at midnight, or 5am or anytime that isn't in the middle of the day actually.
Dan always calls at bizarre times, never before 11pm, very often before 7am. This time he called at 5.20am. I try to be cheerful to hear his beautiful voice but sometimes I am grumpy. I am grumpy because I am so sure that the only reason the phone is ringing is to tell me someone died or is in hospital, weird as I have never had a phone call like that ( oh yes I did, 6.05am when my dad was breathing his last breath) For some ridiculous reason I always feel like I MUSTS sound like I wasn't asleep. " HELLO?! " Here I am wide awake just waiting for your call, you'll never catch ME out. ( unless you call at 2.30 in the afternoon, my favourite nap time, take your chance on that one if you will)
Anyway he called at 5.20am with his usual cheery and LOUD phone voice ( Dan, if you still have this blog address and are still reading, you DO have a loud phone voice, I still love you though) He called to tell me that he had just been chased by a man armed with shotgun and hammer. What a way to wake up. I really woke up and I don't think I have been back to sleep yet.... GUN AND HAMMER!!!
He was walking back from job #1, hotel manager and walked past a man in a doorway, job #2 ( policeman)makes him notice shady characters, he looked at the man and recognised him as a wanted shady bloke, as he recognised him, the man also recognised Dan. Dan walked past, went 'round a corner and called the police right away, as he was speaking he saw the man coming after him and as as he walked faster so did the man........til they were both running. Luckily armed response vehicles arrived and caught the bad man who had just done something horrible. Nice policemen who caught the bad man and saved my boy. It was 5.20am because he had been at the station writing his reports etc. all night long.
Being mother to grown kids is a million times harder than parenting babies, toddlers or under 12s.
Jordan is in Turkey, a foreign country, flying on planes and probably not putting sunscreen on or wearing a hat.
Sophie is Sophie and we try not to think to hard about what she is or isn't doing if we can help it.
Dan is getting chased by bad men with guns and hammers and walking outside when it's dark without a mummy or anything.
My hair is grey. It's winning the battle of weariness and worry.
Little people are so much easier, it's a case of shovelling mess and living with noise of such levels that your ears bleed and beg to fall off your head. I don't think I have ever seen a mother with jug ears, mothers always have ears close to their heads, it's where they are trying to escape, flatten themselves hard against the head before folding in on themselves and escaping.
Mothering little boys is more about settling arguments about who is breathing the loudest and who should be allowed to climb out of Seth's bedroom window or throw THAT basketball as opposed to any of the other 54637221 ones.
Seth has discovered reading with a vengeance. Sticky history books at the moment, he keeps disappearing into his room and curling up on his bed and reading. Oh joy of my heart. He loves having his own room, I love him having his own room and to see him read, to hear his yell " I am reading myself to sleep....DAD! I am reading myself to sleep OK?" Sheer heaven. Stay little, please for a long time.
I dread the day these little people start needing independence. I dread it.
I love this age, Eli is 4 in 2 weeks... FOUR. Isaac is 6 next month, Seth 7 next month. Someone put a hold on it right now ( or maybe when Eli is out of night time pull ups, which will be any day now, surely to goodness??) I can even cope with the toothpaste murals on my just cleaned bathroom, I will live with the wrappers that never make it into a bin, I will love the wet clothes ( n'er mind, itter dry) that Eli leaves scattered everywhere, or even never finding a complete pair of shoes because Eli cannot see a shoe belonging to anyone else and not wear it, just long enough to take it somewhere else ( our new garden is REALLY big by the way and shoes? They take a lot of finding in this place!) I'l take it
all rather than the stuff that comes with teenagers and grown kids.
I have been taking pictures of life in our barn, but with dial up....it could be a while til I download them and post any. We should have broadband back next week, I hope. Oh go on then...here's just a taster.


Looking out of the window in all te rain, wishing they could get out there! What can they see??

THAT's what they can see.......they want OUT there!

Look at the fat frog...



We have had some great sunshine the past 2 days, thank goodness, the rain was drowning my soul. I bought a rotary drier the other day, such joy I have in hanging my clothes out to dry in the country air, I honestly do keep looking outside to see my clothes line ( hello? Life? What happened?) I love the sound of the crunching gravel as we walk across to the laundry room.
The sun has made us all so much more cheerful. H has worked on the garden, little boys have played in the grass, been exploring in the open spaces, we have found fat frogs and little black scorpion like things, we have found balls and butterflies, they found the tiny stream at the bottom of the garden at 8 o'clock last night, I watched when they thought we weren't watching and it was priceless to see them looking around to see if anyone would stop them jumping and throwing stones, digging and splashing.
They are constantly dirty, sweaty, grimy, dishevelled. Perfect. One of these days I might take a picture of the bath tub AFTER the plug is pulled and they are out, squeaky clean in fresh pyjamas ( that stay fresh about 3 minutes because remember the bathrooms and bedrooms are downstairs.... blink and the buggers are out again.) that slimy, grimy, filmy layer is so not pretty!
Anyway, I digress, I was saying how much easier it is to be mum to little people than the big ones, I am so thrilled that Dan thinks of me when something huge happens to him, I love being first on his call list. I love the fact that he thinks of me and wants to tell me stuff, I just wish that stuff happened a bit earlier, or later or not in the middle of the night, just sometimes.
I shall pray that the stuff he wants to tell me don't involve guns and evil people too.

I play upon my own.

I picked the boys up from school today, kind me, rain and more rain and strong winds that take your breath away and sting your cheeks, i will pick them up in the car and carry them home in style.

" What are YOU doing here? Where's my dad?"

"Oh......I really want my DAD to get me"

"But where's my daddy?"

" I have the CAR and also CHOCOLATE!"

" I don't want chocolate, I just want my dad to pick me up"

" Don't you just have the kindest daddy?"

"Well, it doesn't FEEL like he is very kind when he doesn't pick us up"

I feel so cherished and adored and wanted.
That's what happens when you let someone else pick your kids up and they take scooters and basketballs and wait nearly 2 hours while the kids play with friends.
While I was at school I took the chance to ask about Elijah at nursery, so used to talking every other day about Isaac when he was there, we tend to just dump and run with Eli, the 'normal' one. He loves nursery and they never stop us to chat about a 'few concerns' so we assume he is doing well. He is. Hoorah. They tell me that he is a quiet little boy, keeps himself to himself and blends in.
ELIJAH???? Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs. I'd have laid money on him being a front man. Center stage and one of the lads. Not so. You live and learn. I spoke with him last night and asked about his friends. Asked him who he played with.
"No-one" whereas before he has always said Jared and beloved Mia. Apparently there IS no Jared and Mia is a bit of a livewire. He is happy and does all the activities, he is just very quiet.

"So, you don't play with anyone at all?"
"No, I just play upon my own" And it would appear that this is just as he likes it.

Shall I tell you , at the risk of sounding positive about something that I am losing weight? I almost hate to mention it as it must be some sort of freaky deal, certainly not anything I am doing consciously, 7lbs has slithered off all on it's own, perhaps I am eating myself up with stress or something, hooray, hang onto that silver lining I say. I wanted to start SLIMMING WORLD this week but the car ate all my money, hopefully I can start in a week or so when my balances are a bit healthier.
The final bit of car mending is happening on monday, my lovely local garage is fixing it for half of the price quoted by the other place, why I didn't just let them do the whole thing is beyond me, they are always so honest and thorough, I think my brain was farting or something. So another £230 and it should be ready to guzzle it's thirsty way through another year for us. Petrol is nearly £1 a LITRE now, that's almost $8 a gallon. Hell.
My biggest boy called yesterday, his words were " I've been thinking, look at houses to buy, I am going to get a mortgage, buy a house and you can rent it from me, then you'll never have to move" Bless his beautiful face. I said no but he says he is going to the bank anyway. I just think that housing your parents isn't in a childs job description. We will hold out for a council house and try to encourage him to but a small house for him to live in.
He is thinking hard about moving down this way, that would be such a blessing. He is unhappy with his job and is no longer with his partner ( hoorah, that man just held him back, didn't want him to do anything or go anywhere , dragging him down all the time) so the ties he has up there are loose now, he could get work here pretty easily, it would be so lovely to have all my kids nearby.
OH!!! Sophie has another job! This means that she could quite easily get a houseshare now. She seems happy and much more relaxed about moving out. What a relief. I really know that she will grow and be happier when she is independent. The new job is in a pub, which means that although she will still probably be drinking, she will be getting paid while she does it and the drinking will be less. I hope.
So things are slowly slotting into place, I am getting through the days in a fog of rather splendid mindlessness, trying not to think too hard about anything I can't change, having little daydreams about how, actually, there is as much chance of things turning out quite beautifully as badly, how we might actually get a lovely house in a nice area....... how splendid, looking at the do-nut instead of the hole, a new approach for me but not unwelcome. I might even stick with that way of thinking, it's quite nice I have to admit.

The most literal angel.

So, yesterday, when I referred to this whole moving thing as a fairground ride, I emailed some friends and said " Stop the ride!" It would appear that one of my angels is a very literal one, autistic perhaps, knowing that I will love him anyway and understand that he meant well he ( or she, though I doubt that somehow) worked his magic and he stopped my ride. It's just that he stopped the wrong one, he stopped the car, the one that had it's MOT today.
Dear old car / damn crapheap failed it's MOT, not catastrophically but enough that it is going to cost money that I have but could really use for other things like moving, or citizenship papers or chocolate, lots of it. It need bodywork ( don't we all?) because one of the rust bits has gone wild and made a jaggedy sharp weapon like thing over the wheel. It has a very sick exhaust and needs replacing (ouch that will be lots of money I think) and it also has a nearside outer rear upper suspension arm that has excessive play in the ball joint, imagine...that one almost sounds like fun to someone with such a sheltered lifestyle as myself. It also sounds expensive.
I called the friendly but very Indian sounding man who supplied parts that saved me much cash last year and he promised to look and call back and give me an estimate, but he didn't and when I called him back he said to call again tomorrow.
I am lacking patience at the moment and find that in the very small areas in my life where I actually have a modicum of control, I have become very forceful and vocal and ready to make clear that HEY YOU! Don't tell ME to come back again! Oh no....just watch me I will go somewhere ELSE and find my parts and you can whistle because this I CAN do and I WILL, yes indeedy. So, I will take it to the nice man who saves me money on my tyres ( spelled correctly thankyou mr spellcheck, don't try and make me use an 'I' because I am English and we use a 'Y' in our Tyres) and he will look at my dangerous and gas leaking exhaust that must not be allowed to pollute the air or make noise and give me a quote to supply and repair.. and if he is nice to me and accepts that I am the boss and in charge, I will let him fix my old car and pay him and not weep or make a spectacle of myself in any way.
I saw a car like mine, well the same make anyway, that was newer and shinier and not at all scratched or bent or rusty, it even had shiny wheels and clean seats. It looks navy blue unless you tilt your head and then it is a sort of purple colour that made me happy. It was for sale at the very same garage that failed my car today. It was £3,995. I bought it in my head because if I am allowing myself flights of fancy about having a roof over my head after june 23rd ( which is the actual and real date we will be homeless) I thought that I really ought to be allowed to really let rip and imagine a shiny newer blue / purple car as well, is there no stopping me ?
So, my literal and probably aspergeric angel stopped the ride for me, bless him.
I spoke to my landlady today, somehow I just can't help liking her, she sounds so apologetic and full of promises that we won't be thrown on the streets and made to live in cardboard boxes. I asked her what she wanted me to do with all the bits and bobs that were left here when we moved in, rugs and pictures and a glorious HUGE mirror that I love. She said we can have it all, take it and keep it. Yeay, I am happy about that because it's nice stuff. so that's kind isn't it? I am also happy about the fact that because the house is sold, we don't have to bust a gut painting and cleaning carpets, the new owners will just rip it all out and do it all the way they want it. So, i shall wipe and wash and make it all smell nice but shan't break a sweat.
I find myself getting almost excited about moving and then I remember that I don't know where we are going and that we don't have anywhere to move TO and then I have to pat my chest and tell myself to BREATHE or I will DIE.
While the car was at the garage failing it's damn test, even though I made it study and told it that it would be so in trouble if it let me down, I took a bus to Torquay which is very beautiful, I walked in the sun and felt a delicious breeze on my face, I bought a magazine and an ice cold lemonade, I looked in shops and wore my crocs flip flops and I realised that all over the world there are women praying and pleading and begging for their childrens' lives, women who can't feed their children or give them even the most basic thing like clean water.
I thought of how heaven must be with the angels trying to hear and answer and protect and I thought about how really, really great my life is. As I prayed, I asked that perhaps one angel be spared just to keep an eye on us, to look out and guide the man who said he would be working on our case at the housing office, maybe my dad has a moment to spare that he can nudge that housing man in the right direction and show him a house that would be right for us. Other than that you know, I don't have much to cry about.
I came home and listed some things on freecycle, I put my posh 3 wheeler pushchair on there because I love it so, Eli doesn't need it anymore and I cannot bear to sell it or throw it away and I listed our piano. Not only do I have that lovely glowy feeling of making someone happy, I have the busiest email box I have ever had in my life.....hundreds , somehow I now get an email every time anyone post anything on freecycle. I could have me a dishwasher and bicycle and empty files and safety gates, you name it, I'm getting it. Hooray, almost feels like I have 100 new friends emailing me to tell me about great deals. I have absolutely NO idea how to stop the emails, for now I am just enjoying the feeling of checking emails and seeing 22 new messages, whoohoo....let me READ them and see who loves me!!!! Oh, table and chairs with screw missing but still has a year or two left in it. Hmmmm lady who is mad that although she emailed me 2 minutes ago about pushchair, I haven't replied yet and have I been trying to reply? HAVE I? Well?? Can she have it or not? NOT!
So, house is sold to regular but sort of rich couple, not investor who loves us and wants us to stay, am accepting that fact and counting the blessings I do have like Isaac who read 200 words at school today in a number 7 voice that was clear and happy, and Elijah who didn't wear his hair extension today but did wear Auntie Leah's flip flops all morning, Sophie who is being nice even though she has AF and that usually makes her the devils spawn, Jordan who hugged me til I had no breath left in my body and told me that he would help us get a new house and that I have looked after him for 19 years and so now he would look after me, Dan who calls and says that he is going to London with friends to see the Lion King and shall he get a twin room and can I come?
And H....who filled the fridge with slimfast because he loves me and not because I am fat but because he doesn't want me to die. Who walks to school carrying basketballs and scooters and precious Nike shoes that must be worn after school because school shoes are rubbish for basketball, who stays until 5 pm letting 3 little boys play and scoot with friends, who brings back 3 little boys so tired they can barely eat dinner and have a bath, who hands over his laptop because mine is being fixed and doesn't even cast a sideways glance while I use it, whose history on his laptop in completely filled with sites about history and animals and all things wholesome and honourable. who sits for an hour every evening reading bambi and grimms fairytales, who makes touching rituals for little boys to do and makes memories with them the like of which we would all pay a fortune to have in our hearts from our own childhoods.
So, the welts have almost gone from my arms, I am pretty sure that there is an angel set aside to look out for us, we will be OK, I am trying to stop fretting over every detail, I am trying to let go and let God and just concentrate on those things I do have control over. Phew, try again tomorrow.

It's MOTHERS DAY!

What a splendid day I can't remember ever having such day wonderful mothers day. It started very early, at 1am I was woken by the hallway light going on, our door doesn't close properly and so when the light is switched on it wakes me up, grumble, grump feeling sure that Sophie turned the light on I went out to get cross with her, but it wasn't her, no sign of anyone.
My poor legs hurt so much I thought I should go and get some paracetemol or something, in the kitchen as I was getting in a drink, in bounds Seth, wide awake and so happy..... " IT'S MOTHERS DAY!!" Bless his face.
I told him that it was the middle of the night and that he really should get some sleep " but I want to cook you breakfast with daddy" I told him that daddy would be sure to wake him and he could cook breakfast then. It took him 2 1/2 hours to get back to sleep, he was so worried he would miss the excitement.
I woke at 7am and hrumph, how awful, had to just stay in bed until I had been surprised ....8am, little boys and daddy came up with bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Sweet hand made cards and beautiful flowers. What a way to start the day.
Church was lovely, singing children and little hand wrapped gifts and cards.
When I got home we ate lunch and I found on my bed, the most fabulous array of skin care creams, hand lotions, make up and a beautiful bag...this must be from Jordan who hadn't been home when we left and was already at work when we got home. I still haven't seen him but I'm sure it must have been his gift to me.
After dinner cooked by H ( fried chicken, corn, potato salad and beans) I took out a tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate and fudge brownie ice cream, sitting in my chair with 3 little boys around me, mouths open like little baby sparrows waiting to be fed, better than worms they were rewarded with gobs of delicious ice cream and what joy in those moments of sharing with these little people. Shame that the ice cream sent them into a frenzy of couch jumping and squealing until threats of early bed calmed them down, 30 minutes of watching diving with whales did the trick, hoorah for whales!
I will try and post pictures tomorrow of cards and flowers, too comfy and relaxed to take any right now. My silky soft hands, with manicured nails are ready to fold in blissful relaxation while I watch some good telly, or even 'the Queen' DVD.
I feel some change in the air, spring is bringing it's lively thoughts and intentions and I am hoping that any day now my energy and enthusiasm will be bursting forth. This year has so much to offer and I want to be ready to enjoy it. Little things are beginning to break through this horrible misery that has been with me. At last I can see little sprigs of hope that the winter is over and it's time to look out and see the good stuff again. I do so poorly with the bleak weather, my mind gets steeped in the greyness and misery. Next winter, we get a 4 week break from the
good ole English wind and rain and will all benefit from the Californian sunshine and warmth. I should get one of those light boxes and sit in front of it every day, sunshine is my medicine.
Tomorrow is another day, what a shame to waste any of them. I have been reminded so often lately how short this life is.
An old friend died recently and the bugger of it was, she wasn't old at all. 48. Damn cancer of course. I hadn't seen her since we drove away from Utah with our tails between our legs and no idea where we would end up.
She was the reason I met H, she showed me the online singles thing that introduced me to him, made sure I went to meet him, encouraged and cajoled
There was a feeling of disappointment on both sides and also I think, ( I know) on my side, shame and embarrassment that meant we never spoke again. I have oft been sad about that and since I heard that she had died, that has deepened. Of course it is too late to do anything and anyway, actions done out of guilt or because someone is dying mean nothing, in my opinion, which is why, even when I knew she was dying I did nothing. We go through this life and allow pride and shame to dictate what we do and how we behave. Sad that.
What would I have done differently 4 years ago, if I had known that this lovely, stubborn, proud and kind lady would die so soon? Who knows, and it may be in another life when I meet her and we can laugh about how unimportant these things were that we fell out over. I know that already, to her, they don't matter anymore, if they even did at all. She was generous to a fault and had an amazing outlook on life, always seeing things in an eternal perspective and rarely as something here and now. She was very proud and fought any kind of help from any source. Her first battle with cancer was done without anyone but one or two close friends knowing about it, never stopping, not crying, not complaining, just getting on with it and only revealing what she had been though when it was done, beaten, won. Damn beast came back though and on the 3rd round it beat her. 48.
If stories like this and there are far too many of them around, if these aren't enough to make the rest of us get up, look around us and make a conscious decision to make every day count, then shame on us.
Sorry Jackie, bye bye, tomorrow I will make my day count. Say hello to my dad if you see him.

It's MOTHERS DAY!

What a splendid day I can't remember ever having such day wonderful mothers day. It started very early, at 1am I was woken by the hallway light going on, our door doesn't close properly and so when the light is switched on it wakes me up, grumble, grump feeling sure that Sophie turned the light on I went out to get cross with her, but it wasn't her, no sign of anyone.
My poor legs hurt so much I thought I should go and get some paracetemol or something, in the kitchen as I was getting in a drink, in bounds Seth, wide awake and so happy..... " IT'S MOTHERS DAY!!" Bless his face.
I told him that it was the middle of the night and that he really should get some sleep " but I want to cook you breakfast with daddy" I told him that daddy would be sure to wake him and he could cook breakfast then. It took him 2 1/2 hours to get back to sleep, he was so worried he would miss the excitement.
I woke at 7am and hrumph, how awful, had to just stay in bed until I had been surprised ....8am, little boys and daddy came up with bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Sweet hand made cards and beautiful flowers. What a way to start the day.
Church was lovely, singing children and little hand wrapped gifts and cards.
When I got home we ate lunch and I found on my bed, the most fabulous array of skin care creams, hand lotions, make up and a beautiful bag...this must be from Jordan who hadn't been home when we left and was already at work when we got home. I still haven't seen him but I'm sure it must have been his gift to me.
After dinner cooked by H ( fried chicken, corn, potato salad and beans) I took out a tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate and fudge brownie ice cream, sitting in my chair with 3 little boys around me, mouths open like little baby sparrows waiting to be fed, better than worms they were rewarded with gobs of delicious ice cream and what joy in those moments of sharing with these little people. Shame that the ice cream sent them into a frenzy of couch jumping and squealing until threats of early bed calmed them down, 30 minutes of watching diving with whales did the trick, hoorah for whales!
I will try and post pictures tomorrow of cards and flowers, too comfy and relaxed to take any right now. My silky soft hands, with manicured nails are ready to fold in blissful relaxation while I watch some good telly, or even 'the Queen' DVD.
I feel some change in the air, spring is bringing it's lively thoughts and intentions and I am hoping that any day now my energy and enthusiasm will be bursting forth. This year has so much to offer and I want to be ready to enjoy it. Little things are beginning to break through this horrible misery that has been with me. At last I can see little sprigs of hope that the winter is over and it's time to look out and see the good stuff again. I do so poorly with the bleak weather, my mind gets steeped in the greyness and misery. Next winter, we get a 4 week break from the
good ole English wind and rain and will all benefit from the Californian sunshine and warmth. I should get one of those light boxes and sit in front of it every day, sunshine is my medicine.
Tomorrow is another day, what a shame to waste any of them. I have been reminded so often lately how short this life is.
An old friend died recently and the bugger of it was, she wasn't old at all. 48. Damn cancer of course. I hadn't seen her since we drove away from Utah with our tails between our legs and no idea where we would end up.
She was the reason I met H, she showed me the online singles thing that introduced me to him, made sure I went to meet him, encouraged and cajoled
There was a feeling of disappointment on both sides and also I think, ( I know) on my side, shame and embarrassment that meant we never spoke again. I have oft been sad about that and since I heard that she had died, that has deepened. Of course it is too late to do anything and anyway, actions done out of guilt or because someone is dying mean nothing, in my opinion, which is why, even when I knew she was dying I did nothing. We go through this life and allow pride and shame to dictate what we do and how we behave. Sad that.
What would I have done differently 4 years ago, if I had known that this lovely, stubborn, proud and kind lady would die so soon? Who knows, and it may be in another life when I meet her and we can laugh about how unimportant these things were that we fell out over. I know that already, to her, they don't matter anymore, if they even did at all. She was generous to a fault and had an amazing outlook on life, always seeing things in an eternal perspective and rarely as something here and now. She was very proud and fought any kind of help from any source. Her first battle with cancer was done without anyone but one or two close friends knowing about it, never stopping, not crying, not complaining, just getting on with it and only revealing what she had been though when it was done, beaten, won. Damn beast came back though and on the 3rd round it beat her. 48.
If stories like this and there are far too many of them around, if these aren't enough to make the rest of us get up, look around us and make a conscious decision to make every day count, then shame on us.
Sorry Jackie, bye bye, tomorrow I will make my day count. Say hello to my dad if you see him.