Perfection..with pictures.

You may have noticed that in this clip ( of entirely too much deliciousness) I refer to myself as Gramma. This is completely bizarre as there is nothing I can do about it, I open my mouth to say Nana and out comes gramma, everytime. The more I say it, the more I like it.
I like that I am the only gramma he has.
Nana will be holidays in the sun and parcels in the mail.
Gramma will be up the road and every day.
Nana will be spoken about and on the phone.
Gramma will be spoken about and seen so regularly as to be a part of the fixtures of life.
Nana will spend time getting reaquainted twice a year.
Gramma will be just up the road and available for tea parties.
I like being gramma.


Even though it means speaking in a ridiculous high pitched voice and saying sentences the wrong way 'round because cuteness and tiny sneezes make it impossible to just talk like a human being who rather likes the English launguage.



To a gramma, even bogies are cute, bless his little sneezing head.


And the most glorious part of being a gramma...this.....



Hearing that sound and never, not ever feeling despair or such weariness that it drills right through your sleep deprived brain.
Not that this child is making anyone feel that way. He is, as predicted the most laid back baby with even more laid back parents.
I am in awe of these 2 young people.
They just do it all so beautifully and confidently.
Incredibly enough, this baby is bathed every evening at 7.30 and after he has been fed, he goes to bed..upstairs. Mel and Jordan watch TV downstairs, put the monitor on and that little chap stays in bed until the morning. He sleeps for 3-4 hours at a time, wakes up and is fed and back in his crib within 20 minutes, right back to sleep. Mel does that 1am feed, Jordan the 4/5am one and they are all so incredibly chipper and rested that I feel almost annoyed, so sure was I that I would get a call or 3 to take him so they could sleep.
Mel, of course has lost all the baby belly, looks too beautiful for words.


He has been all over the place and even had a picnic in the park today with his uncles, all 4 of them.
Dan came to visit and, like the rest of us, fell under the littlest person's spell.

Conversations with my children.

"Seth", said I, "look how handsome you are with your haircut, you look so wholesome and splendid, rather like a picture of a little boy in a church magazine, who has written in to bear testimony of the truthfullness of the gospel"
"Well" said Seth, "that is hardly likely to be true now is it?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't know the church is true, do I? I am seven years old, how would I know that?"
"Well, when do you suppose you will be ready to pray and ask Heavenly Father if the church is true?"
"hmmmmm" he said whilst scratching his head " just before I die I think"




" Hello, Elijah, how was school and where is YOUR coat?"
"Diss one is my toat"
"I think it isn't, your coat is red and most definitely not green and furry hooded"
"well, I hate nat toat, I want a brand new toat and I love diss one, I think I tan teep diss one."
" oh, well I'm sorry you hate your coat but this one belongs to someone else, you can't keep it, so you need to give that one back and put your coat on, OK?"
"no, iss not O-tay, tozz I really hate diss stupid toat"


"Hello?"
"Hello mum, it's Dan, guess what? I booked you and H a hotel in London ( this one ) also, tickets to see the Lion King and train tickets, I'll stay with the boys. I paid for dinner both nights and I want you to have the very best time."
What can you say to that really? He's splendid.

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttt. fffffft.

That's me. For months and months I have been puffed up and battling and working and organising, worrying, planning, working some more, being excited and busy and so busy.
I am tired. So tired, in fact TIRED, does that explain it? I hope so.
Moving here, I imagined was like the pinnacle, such heaven and so perfect and when I got here it was all going to be so amazing and great and I could hardly imagine what a whirling dirvish I was going to be, so much to do and hoorah I couldn't wait to do it.
What has happened to both H and I is that we got here, we shut the door and we quite literally Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffted. Flat. Oh. Look at that pile of laundry there.....should move it really. Yes, I will.
Hmmmmm, those 2 pairs of shoes that could be picked up, carried 4 ft and put in the cupboard, still there.
The hanging pot that already has a hanger in place, on the floor right underneath it because Lawd, the strength it would take to lift my arms above my head and actually put it on the hook? Don't have it.
Dinner. So far KFC, Mac Donalds, chinese, dinner from mum, and 2 meals of chicken that I had to open throw in the cooker and serve ( and don't ask for anything with it because it just isn't going to happen)
Pictures. It could take a while. Why would anyone want to see how unpacked and disorganised I am? The tumble drier is in the middle of the kitchen because it likes it there and it works and you know what? We're not going anywhere, if it takes us 2 weeks to move it 2 yards into the utility room ( which needs levelling and other sort of energy needing and planning things doing to it) well so be it.
H and I look at each other with fondness and a quiet pleading that neither of us ask anything of the other for a while. Let's not talk or anything but a gentle stroke or reassuring pat as we pass, that'll be lovely.
We're both a little stunned by the sheer potency of this apathy. Or exhaustion.
I think it might wear off soon, I am beginning to feel a tingling in my soul that reassures me that I won't always be numb to the walking on crunchy cereal carpet, not forever doomed to live in a jumble of possessions without a place to be.
I am able to laugh. And some. This is not a bad feeling, if it is a feeling at all, maybe it just is. You know, maybe it's just. . That.
Dan has been here and he balm to my soul, even with his flatulence and foul mouth. He is infinitely welcomed by all.
By Seth who had Daniel's heart from the moment he set eyes on him.



By Isaac who battles his natural need to hide or shy away....



By Elijah who is a bit shy but never for very long.....



This morning Dan and I went to see Jordan, we went to the flat and the fun began because these 2 brothers are divine together. They make me laugh 'til my pelvic floor almost gives in and lets go.
They are both irreverent and hysterical, at times needing to be reminded that I am in fact their mother and they should probably reign it in a bit.
At Jordan's flat he showed us a Tens machine and told Dan he had to feel what it was like. A machine that labouring women wear on their spines, when a contraction hits it sends electrical impulses along the spine and apparantly is helpful as pain relief. So Dan said he'd try it.


So here we go..not too bad, set it all up.


So, it feels kind of weird....



Ahahahahahahahaha that's really funny!


Ouch, actually...OW really OUCH!


ARGHHHHHHHHHH AHAHAHAHA ARGH!


GET THIS THING OFF!!!!!

I laughed ( and so did they) til I coughed.
We went shopping and they made me laugh, I come up too their shoulders, they walked either side of me, and I had to keep telling them to slow down.
We went to the pound shop ( like the 99c store) One each side of me, throwing all kinds of crap into the basket. Jordan walked past a surly young girl stacking the crisps and said in a booming and la de da voice " I SAY, that is a splendid crisps section you have there young lady, keep it up, well done troops" and walked on by, as we waited to pay he found himself right next to a shelf of particularly ugly garden gnomes, they were almost eye level and he turned to face them, put his face right up to one and said " Excuse me, would you be so kind as to direct me to your garden gnome section?"
Sometimes you might need to be there but it's the way he says things, with his lanky great body towering over everyone and the way he turns scarlet with laughing as he says it.
We went to a beautiful Italian restaurant for lunch and to watch these two as they discuss the menu, with such knowledge, both chefs, Dan having been everything from kitchen porter to now manager, then being so polite and well mannered. well that makes a mother's heart proud.
Also when we went to the restaurant where Jordan works, Dan was to meet the owner who wants a new manager. He has seen Dan's resume and was keen to meet him. He shook my hand and told me how incredible Jordan is, how he works so hard and manages the kitchen and how organised he is. He told me how he knew how proud I must be to have both these boys. And I am. My girl was here today as well. She called while we were out and we came back to meet her. I think she is trying, we all feel we want to grab her and make her safe again but we also know that she has to save herself this time, all we can do is love her, feed her, spoil her a bit ( buy her a pair of jeans in the sales, maybe some new makeup but not hand over money) she is beginning to believe that we love her, she pops in and eats, sleeps a lot and then we send her 'home'.
I hate sending her 'home,' she doesn't like it there anymore and that is GREAT news, to me that says that she is beginning to feel uncomfotable in those surroundings that have always baffled me and raised the hairs on the back of my neck.
She is starting to look beautiful again, although pale. We are all able to kiss her and be kind but also be firm and tell her that she has the means to get out of where she is and we will all hold her hands, we just can't pull her out, we can only hold her steady as she climbs. And pray that she climbs.
She was sad that we hadn't alled her to join us this morning, we left at 9am, she never ever wakes up before lunchtime. Needless to say she worked out that with Dan here we would be doing something while the boys were at school and when she woke up earlier and tried to find us, was hurt when she knew we were out together and hadn't asked her.
We came back to meet her and after we gave her the bits that we had found for her, explained that we wouldn't have shunned her for the world but she has shown us that she isn't willing ( or able) to get up and join in, that she lives her life so that the morning hours are just not a part of her life.
She actually got it, didn't yell and make a scene. She asked Dan if she could go back with him, he explained that she should wait a few weeks til he had time off to spend with her. She accepted that. Huge steps for Sophie, hopeful ones for me. She asked if she could work for him again, he explained that she chose to leave, she can't go back, she understood.
I have so much to write today, about how overwhelmed I am by everything happening.
I can almost see, at the moment how the Lord works.
He likes us to be humble. I have learned that but humility is so hard to come by. I think I see one of His ways to help us be humble.
There is nothing like being stripped to the bone, left for destitute, spiritually, physically, emotionally and then, out of nowhere being absolutely flooded by a deluge of blessings to make you see that you are not always in control, that there is a greater hand in all of this and there are times we must just let go and have faith.
I honestly feel that right now is my time to just sit quietly and watch. As I watch we are being flooded, from all sides by blessings. Financially, spiritually, emotionally. Everytime I turn around something else is happening to make my eyes fly open and turn my head to see if anyone else can see what is going on.
Sometimes it is the smallest thing, a gift or a bargain, other times it's a huge deal like seeing that all those years of what seemed like thankless slog, to see those grown sons of mine together and able to be so independant. To be such good men, kind, hard working men, despite every opposition and challenge they have faced. We have faced.
To see these big children of mine be so loving to the little ones, to hear the baby ones laugh because the big ones love them so.
To be in a home that quite literally feels as though it is wrapping it's arms around me, my bedroom has the most peaceful atmosphere, I find myself alone here and I welcome it.
When we open the door to visitors and the first thing they comment on is how wonderful it smells, after all those months of that acrid damp stench, to have a home that smells warm and comforting, fresh and clean, what a joy.
To have enough money for our needs, to have been able to find the money we needed to leave that other house, to find that already we are back on track and able to pay back the money we have borrowed very soon. What a relief.
So for now I may be a bit deflated, weary, workworn. I think actually, it is more a case of being relieved and comfortable. I'll take that and be grateful.

Anything you can do......

Funny how we continue to learn things about even ourselves every day.
Jordan called yesterday, his washing machine is broken and he is working day and night at the moment, he asked if I could do some laundry for him, nothing like being needed, even by your big kids. I told him I would come by this morning to collect his washing and would bring it back this afternoon. When I got there he brought just one bag of laundry to the car.
" Is that it?" I asked, expecting at least 3 big black sacks full.
" Yeah, Mel's mum came and took 2 bags yesterday"
You think I'd be pleased about that wouldn't you? Not so. I felt unreasonable slighted that Mel's mum beat me to it and took some stinky clothes to wash ( she irons it too, must have too much time on her hands if you ask me.)
All the way home I was thinking how I have to make sure MY laundry smells better than hers, how MY laundry must be whiter and cleaner and make my boy happy that his mum loves him. ( even though she won't iron it, oh no...lets not over do it!)
How insane is THAT?
When my sister became a grandma for the first time, she bought Sammy a little squishy Elephant and was very clear in her instructions to her daughter that Sammy must love THIS toy more than any toy his other granny gave him. Aren't we just the weirdest people? Why is not enough to just be loved? Why must we be loved the BEST? I know that when I am a grandparent I absolutely do NOT want to be called the same as the other grandmother, I want to be Nana, she can be grandma, I don't want to be one of a set, I want to be ME, immediately recognised, no grandma Helen for me, just one name, nana and the beautiful ones will immediately know who is being spoken about, the great one, the most beloved. ME.
On a totally different note, I opened the front door this morning to find 2 suitcases. What the ?????? Clothes, books, DVD player and remote. No note, no explanation, just 2 cases. I wonder if it was someone disgruntled with a stinking hobo that used to live here and dumped their stuff here? Seems weird as the bags are beautifully packed, if someone was mad I would imagine things stuffed in cases and dumped. Then I thought maybe it was someone hoping to doss down with whoever lived here before.....the bags were there early at 8am, no-one has been back though so that theory bites the dust. This house is just plain freaky, what else can I say?
H has been drilling holes and hanging stuff. Back packs and flower baskets, first aid kits and whadyamacallits, you name it, it is now hung and stored and tidy and clear. My longing for neatness and order should be satisfied, I just think my soul has had such a bashing with this house, with the filth and the fear, the itching and a-scratching, unfortunately it's almost impossible for me to feel anything positive about it. I shall work on it, just as soon as I can. Which is not today. Or maybe even tomorrow.
My sister is coming tomorrow from Utah with those beautiful girlie people, Izzie 4 and Lily 2, who make my boys look like boring little nerdy kids, these girls can outdo my boys in everyway when it comes to mischief. We are going to have some FUN! Izzie can give Sophie a run for her money when it comes to talking too...can't wait to see them!

And sometimes, you can even have jam on it.

Is that a world wide saying? You know, when things are pretty good and you want a bit more, someone will say " yeah, you just want jam on it don't you?"
Well, my mum says it all the time, so I do too because I like my mum's sayings and that one is a favourite of mine.
Right now, we're getting jam on it and it is pretty sweet.
Posh house, in 3 weeks we will be in it and stroking the kitchen worktops and opening patio doors. That is exciting.
Today Jordan and I went to visit my friend, Mandy...we were flat mates and work mates and have known each other since we were sylph like, tight skinned, child free, young flippertigibbets. Long story short she said she had some furniture that maybe he could use stored in barn, so just he and I had a lovely drive through very windy country lanes ( and so many of them dear heaven, are we ever going to get there?) and we got to Mandy and Andy's divine cottage in deepest Devon. ( I think but it could actually have been in a whole other country, never mind county, because it really took a long time to get there although it isn't too many miles away ...62 to be exact)
So ,we visited and marvelled about how Jordan was 12 last time she saw him and look how tall he is now, lanky git. We looked out of teeny quaint windows and saw fields and breathed the freshest air in the world.
We looked at pictures and gave up on the internet because, deep in the Devonshire country there is only dial up and it's just like life itself in the countryside, slow and not hurried and perhaps we won't even connect at all because you could look at a tree or little hedgerow creature, get out and enjoy the glory of nature and get off the damn computer, yes, it's like that is countryside dial up my 'ansome.
Then Andy came home and he is quite as splendid as Mandy has told me and off we joggled to the barn up the lane a bit over the potholes and by the cows. Underneath that tarpaulin lay such treasures as to make me giddy. The most glorious table and chairs that I felt sure I would be able to talk Jordan out of needing because I WANT JAM ON IT and they would look SO perfect in MY house ( check..too bg for his flat, perfect for my new house)
He nabbed a futon because he still doesn't have anything to sit on in his front room and just as we were going Andy said, " Trampoline, don't suppose you want a trampoline do you?"
YES YES I DO , we NEEEEEEED one, 3 boys in big garden on trampoline for hours, Oh YES! So we have a 13ft trampoline ( and will buy an enclosure because as much as the idea is sort of appealing at times, I don't want the gits to jump too high and catapault over the fence into the bull field.) The trampoline belongs to Andy's daughter who is moving out herself on monday, so we agreed a price and we are now excited owners of a big blue bouncing machine. Jam on it.
I have to say that the English way of giving directions is the best, don't expect them to actually get you where you need to go but do look forward to being entertained, we still continue to ask people how to get there but honestly, I am pretty certain that when we do arrive at the place we intended to travel to, it's a happy accident.
Mandy gave me directions to get there,
"Head for Holsworthy but you don't want to actually go there, if you get to Holsworthy, don't worry, you can turn around and come back"
" You'll come to a really BIG hill, REALLY big, it's called something bridge" ( we never did get to any big hills)
When we were leaving Andy said
"we'll turn right and you turn left, you'll come to a crossroads, turning left will take you to Holsworthy"
" But we don't want to go there"
"Don't turn left then"
See? How great is that?
People will honestly and truly say things like
" Turn left, right? If you get to the Pig and Whistle, you've gone too far, turn around and go back"
Everything is marked by pubs..... look for the Horse and Hound, turn left...keep going til you pass the King's head.......no kidding, H gets as lost as me, no-one NO-ONE ever says NORTH or SOUTH, try it and watch the look of complete puzzlement. ...huh???
Today was a great day, I needed it because I have been finding it hard to breathe lately, my chest hurts and I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack, going out today and leaving everything behind made me forget I couldn't breathe and my chest hasn't hurt a bit......darned old panic attacks again, thank goodness.
Thank Heavens for days with jam on it. Sweet that's what they are.

When the chips are down.......

I woke up at 8pm today, 4 missed calls on my phone..from Sophie. I called back and she was at the hospital, thankfully looking after a friend whose drink had been spiked. So easily could have been her and there isn't day goes by when I don't pray that angels will watch over her while she lives this life she is living.
I went to collect her and the friend, they both looked horrendous, both shaking with cold and lack of sleep, black rings around their eyes.
18.
Shouldn't this be the time of their lives? Shouldn't they have glowing skin and sparkling smiles? The friend had a termination a month or so ago...wouldn't you think that would have shocked her into a new way of thinking ? How do these kids' minds work? When they were in the car this is the conversation...
"So, how has this changed things then?"
"huh?"
"What happened?"
" E's drink got spiked, she was so freaked out, couldn't stand up, felt ill..."
"How did that happen E?"
"What d'you mean?"
"well, how did someone get to your drink? How can you make sure this won't happen again?"
" Keep hold of my drink"
"Did you not already know that? Will this change anything or will it be a cool story to tell your mates?"

I took Sophie over to Jordan's flat where I imagine she slept all day.
In the week since she left, while I have left her alone, she has decided to leave college and work full time, has secured a regular schedule at one of her jobs, has applied for extra hours at another one and has asked for some temporary work somewhere else. She understands that she is now responsible for herself. I can but hope that as she takes that responsibility she will begin to leave behind some of this risky stuff.
She kissed me as she left. I can't imagine what goes through her mind, I know what comes out of her mouth, though I can scarcely take it in sometimes.
The little boys astound me, they seem to wise, sad that Sophie has been used as a teaching 'tool' on how you can make yourself unhappy. They know that we love Sophie and that we always will, but the things she does are not things that we agree with. Just one week away, with no contact, with peaceful routine and just H and I with them, they noticed today after the 20 minute car ride how much Sophie swears. When we dropped her off, Seth looked at me and said
" Wow, Sophie really swears a lot doesn't she?" I suppose that when she was hear and they heard it day in day out they were immune, having a break has made them notice it more.
I feel a bit better knowing that when she needs me, she will still come to me. That will do for now.

Yeay, sort of.

I have a new laptop, the fixers failed a 28 day test and that means that I could go to the store and pick out a new one, ha ha. Kind of like the pizza for free if it doesn't arrive in 30 minutes, only better because now I have me a new upgraded, windows vista posh jobby that doesn't, alas have any of my pictures or favourites on it, I have scrabbled around and found some of your blogs but if you can leave me a lovely comment I can click and save and be back in blog reading bliss after 28 days of hardly reading any, I missed you.
I am one of those folk that have a hard time with new technology, I loathe having to work things out and make things work and all that jazz, I will keep a phone or a camera forever rather than have to learn about a new one. I never get the full use out of things either because, like my washing machine...I will boil wash my whites and everything else gets done on a number 4 wash..what's all that other stuff about?
What's been happening while I have been sneaking the odd moment on H's laptop? ( why has this laptop got the delete button in a completely different place to any other computer I have ever used? Darn it, keep hitting num lock instead of delete) Well, I am a bit relaxed and calm and sleeping at night and things, fancy! On saturday Sophie said she wouldn't be home, so I locked the doors and went to bed..she did come home and could only get as far as Jordan's empty room, she had to sleep on a cold, hard floor in tiny cold clothes....wouldn't you think that would bang home some kind of message? Like " hmmm, must make sure that they know I am coming home, or must get home before they lock up tonight? Apparently not, on sunday I went to bed at 1am, locking doors and sleeping beautifully, until 3am, H was downstairs with his poor aching neck, Sophie came home, knocked on window, H opened the door and ignoring her completely walked back into the front room. She was after a fight and followed him yelling " F******b arsehole, why'd you lock the f*ing door? Leave the damn door open bastard....." etc etc. I came out and when I came out he walked away from her again, she turned on me, every kind of insult, hateful name, swearword she knows, I told her to shut her damn mouth, smacked her with a pair of pyjama bottoms and then sat in the front room with H til 4am because I knew if I went near her and her foul mouth I would want to smash my fist into her big gob and maybe even kick her a bit. At 4am when it was quiet I wend my weary way back to bed and she was lying in wait for me, she threw a poisonous note at me and said she was going, and she did. I threw the letter away because it was mean and filled with all the usual rubbish, she has been staying at Jordan's flat, I hope he is tough and tells her to find her own place, the council have been trying to get hold of her to help house her but whether she is calling them back or not is a mystery. If Jordan lets her stay, she will take over, assume it is her place and then blood will flow.
Being able to lock the doors and sleep because I am not subconsciously waiting for her to come home, or worrying that she won't, or fretting that she will and start another fight. It has been heavenly and peaceful here. I am getting a glimpse of how it will be when we move and this is how it always is. She came home tonight and was obviously cross that she had to ask me if I knew where her black work trousers are ( somewhere under that 4ft pile of stinking mess on her floor I suspect) She wanted to ignore us and honestly, I can take that, because the noise, the swearing, the antagonism, the hostility..enough. Ignore me, my head likes that. Maybe when all is settled and she has her own place, when we have a new house, perhaps then we can get on, she has to want it though and she seems to love the fighting. I am all run out of fight though so she's out of luck there.
I hate to even mention it but it looks like I am back on the good for me lifestyle, back to enjoying it and feeling better and shhhhhhh....... losing weight, that's all I will say for now because seems as soon as I say anything I slide off again. It just feels better to breathe again and be comfortable, peeing like a race horse because of the fluids and lack of salty crap laden foods. ( that are very yummy but sluggish making) It seems like every 7lbs lost equals about an inch, half a size, which makes a difference, sitting comfortably or not, zipping up easily, or not. May this phase last long enough to make a big difference again. Please.
So, I have my new laptop, hopefully will know how it works soon enough and be back in the swing again anyday.

Soon please.

SO, here we are. Jordan has moved into his new home. it is BEAUTIFUL! the building has to be 200 years old at least, I love walking 'round old places with wobbly walls and crooked floors, great thick walls...the whole place has such character. The windows are little and open right out onto the hustle of the town center, H loves the fact that a small butchers shop is right underneath, he says we could send Seth down to buy some chops for dinner!
The tiny little pathway to get in the door is lovely, we stood and watched people walking through town and I knew that I would be in heaven nosing at everyone without them knowing!!
I was so relieved to meet Mel's mum. I somehow had it in my head that she was a young and hip person, ready to move in with these 2 kids and wait to join her turkish toyboy. I was dreading being the old frump with frizzy hair and on the brink of hot flushes. Hooray then that she looks just like someones mum. Maybe older than me, maybe not. She seemed shy or embarrassed and I realised that this is a way for her to escape a husband who is an alcoholic, a new beginning and also, perhaps a way to keep an eye on her daughter who is after all 17.
I watched my boy become a man and saw his excitement at this new step. I wanted to step in and buy 'stuff' that they need, they don't have any furniture in the front room but then I remembered how exciting it is to start with nothing and do it all yourself, so I went to Asda and bought ketchup and toilet paper.
Sophie is doing so beautifully at her new job, sometimes I can see so clearly that for all her gobbing off , all her loud and in your face showing off, she is actually just afraid, she doesn't have much confidence of self esteem and so she covers it all up by yelling and trying to get in first with the negative things before someone else says it. When she sees that she IS good at something, when she is praised and complimented on a good job, she changes. She has been giving me half of what she earns so that I can save it for her, she is talking about when she moves out instead of yelling about being 'thrown out'. She will be fine. I know it.
Things are falling into place, I am still learning patience and exercising faith and doing one day at a time. I really do feel calm, that isn't pretend. CALM. Me. Fancy that.
I went to pick Sophie up today , she was at a friend's house and was so sick, so off I went and almost got lost ( but not quite, I am getting better!) and found myself on a council estate, there in front of me was AN EMPTY HOUSE! Imagine! It was big and had a big garden with HIGH WALLS and a gate that even Elijah couldn't climb over. Front and back garden and it was pretty OK. I had as much of a snoop as I could get away with and then I was so excited because this house is not where I want to live. If I could choose it would certainly not be this estate. BUT..... I knew that if we were given that house I would be happy, it would be fine, we would love it. So, now I know that it really will be just fine. Wherever we go we can be happy. I just hope they tell us SOON! I'm not too sure that this calm and accepting new me will last much longer.
I am very very grumpy about the little things.
Homelessness looming, whistle a tune.
Old man shouting at me because HE was on the wrong side of the road....YELLING RIGHT BACK AT HIM TO SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Car falling apart and costing way too much money . *sigh* ho hum.
Dropping happy meal on floor .. BLEEP. YELL. SCREECH. Slam door.
I am trying to be good...but am running out of whatever it takes. HELP.

1 Down.......

so, Jordan has a new home. He is so excited, Mel and he and Mels' mother have a great new f;at in town. It is a weird feeling to see him grow up so quickly, one minute a lolloping oaf and now, ready to be a grown man supporting himself and having his own home. Wow. My 2 grown boys out in the world doing a good job. Proud. I am.
Sophie is happy right now, the one boy she has held a candle for likes her back at last. Please let this be a happy time for her. Also, please let her grow up a bit more, she is being an ostrich, her head is so far down in the sand her arse is getting sunburned. Worried I am.
The rest? Pah.

My laptop is still away being mended, I don't have my links or addresses, I miss many of you.....I will be back as soon as my lovely Fujitsu is back on my lap.

Big boobs aren't always a blessing!

This is taken from the front page of our local paper.....

A woman who found herself in a sticky situation in the early hours of yesterday morning had to get firefighters to rescue her.The woman had been on a night out with her boyfriend and a friend, but when they returned to their home around 3am they discovered they were locked out.The woman's boyfriend, a window fitter, was able to open a window in the hope one of the girls could climb through and reach the keys, which they could see on the sideboard.The man's girlfriend was able to get up to the window, which was the smallest window, and reach the keys.
However, manoeuvring back out of the tight space proved rather difficult as her chest got trapped.When fire crews arrived at 4am the girl had already been stuck in the window for about an hour, and using cooking oil had failed to release her.She could not be pulled back out as her chest was trapped by a bar in the window.The crew resorted to cutting the window to free the victim about 20 minutes later - who then gave the crew 'a big hug'.

Oh if only they had pictures! wouldn't that have made a blog entry.. although by the time the fire brigade arrived she was half stripped and plastered in cooking oil!
That's my girl! it wasn't her boyfriend which was the only thing that spoiled the laugh, she didn't like them saying he is! She has a great sense of humour, she whistled with laughter, her chest and back are bruised and grazed today, of course she is showing the world and it's auntie.

My laptop is poorly, it is going into laptop hospital on wednesday for a WEEK! I am using H's snazzy deal but it's not mine, no favourites, no addresses, I am a bit lost and will be stuck for a while until my baby is back! Terrible that we get so attached to a 'thing'.
I think my camera is dying too, I will mind very much if it is, I love my camera and use it most days . The car is due for it's MOT, it's going in on wednesday to find out what needs working on, I know the brakes are worn, I hope it won't cost too much, so much is going on that needs fixing and money throwing at it. We aren't having a good run right now which makes me think that very soon it will all be just hunky dory and whoopdiedoo, won't it??
Ok, this laptop is too weird for me, am going and will be back tomorrow if something blogworthy happens.

And UP we go.....

Today has been a FABULOUS day!
H passed his living in the UK test which means we can now send off for his British Citizenship, hooray!! As if we ever doubted he would pass, old Mr Computer head! It was quite touching to see him nervous, clutching the book and his passport, some of the questions were bizarre!

Q.At what age do children leave home?
A. Not nearly young enough.

Q. how often do children receive pocket money?
A. WTH??? How do we know?? Who is dim enough to tell them to expect a regular allowance?

Many of them were political too......just as well I never had to take this test!
Also , the boys passorts arrived today. I got such a thrill from seeing the words 'British Citizen' next to Seth and Isaac's name....they can keep thier US citizenship too though, so they get the best of both worlds. When H has his British passport he can stick with his American citizenship also.

Then....lookie here, look at my biggest boy.


Would you just look at his face? How thrilled is he? He is being awarded ' special of the year' from the police. He really does give 100% to anything he chooses to do. I am so proud of him.

Back to school......

7.35pm

Seth " When is it bed time?"
Me " oh about 25 minutes"
Seth " but I'm tired now"
H. " Oh no....bedtime is 8pm"
Elijah " But right now I am tired, right now, can I go to bed right now?"
Me " no, it's too early, you have to stay up"
Isaac " but I think I can't, I think my legs won't walk up the stairs I am too tired right now"
Me "oh, OK....shall we let them go to bed or not daddy?"
H. " Oh, OK, just this once.....we'll go right now"
3 boys " YEAY!"

Is that not heaven? How much would you pay to hear that? less than half a story they were out. I love school. I LOVE SCHOOL!



The boy, waiting in the car for the nursery gates to open...



Oh...forgot to tell you, Dan got some awards this week.. He received 'Special of the year' from the police service. He is a special constable with the police where he lives, that means he has all the authority of the regulars but he does the work on his days off and evenings etc. He got 3 other awards but I can't remember what they were for, bad me!
He is about to move into the hotel he works at, this will save him a HUGE amount of money, no more rent, no bills......he's going to be rolling in money for while, I told him to save and put down a deposit on his own home. I am so proud of him, he is just fabulous. Not once, ever, since he was 16 has he ever asked for money, he has never been in trouble, he is so grown up and mature, kind and generous. I so want him to be happy. I think he is, he broke up with Shawn, this time it looks like it may be for real....I hope he can meet someone that appreciates him for everything he is. Shawn hated Dan doing anything, hated him being with the police hated him having friends, hated him being here, talking to us, he just wanted total control of everything Dan did. I hope that this means Dan can really give himself to whatever he chooses, not have to keep compromising and giving up on what he wants to do.

If only.......

Take a breath this could be a ramble.
Up and down and up and down. That's me.
I am piggy in the middle, landlords and councils...playing chicken with us in the middle.
Leave the house....we can't help you...find another house....stay where you are......have to move.....
One minute ready to go, next weeping buckets because I haven't finished here. One minute packing things, next crying because, oh they still belong here.
Ooooh might get a garden.....ohhhhhhh love this house...ooooooh could be lovely new house.....ohhhhhhh won't be as lovely as this....ooooooh will be all cosy and .....ohhhhhh hate cosy, like posh and here and THIS HOUSE.
I woke up at 4am this morning 3 hours after I went to bed, i lay for 2 hours telling myself that I am NOT dying, I am NOT having a heart attack, my hair is not falling out ( yes people I felt sure that my hair was falling out every time I moved, my hair is still there, my mind? Not so sure) I willed H to wake u, he wakes up at 4 every morning, it'll be Ok, as soon as he wakes up it will be fine, he will hug me and pat my back and squeeze me, ho hum.....4.30am......sigh ......5am ....5.30am ( can't wake him, sleep is a precious commodity, we don't take that away from anyone in this house) 6.20 ..he woke up...hooray!!! He slept in, marvellous for him painful for me because I so needed to touch him and know that I wasn't dying.
This is really, to my shame, a horrible time for me. I am incredulous that this whole situation has floored me like this. I think perhaps it's because I am not ready to leave this house. I have always known when I it's time for me to move, it starts with my feeling unsettled and also when I come back to the house, it stops feeling like home. I feel almost agitated when I am 'done' with a house. I don't feel any of this yet. I feel like we are being turfed out of our home, not leaving a house.
So, we are going great guns, we are doing what we feel we need to do. Walls are bare, things are piled up, rooms are cleared. Today I had to speak with my landlady who, truth be told has always been so good to us. We have as good a relationship as it is possible to have as tenant/ owner. She pops in at times, I can call her about anything, she is lovely.
So, I had to call her and discuss some correspondence from the council with her, they are being meticulous and hard hitting, I wanted to be sure that she was OK with the letter they wrote her and to tell her that they are very keen NOT to have to house us, that if there is anyway they can avoid it, they will try and achieve that. Council houses are precious, much sought after and like gold dust, it is incredibly hard to get one. The council will work very hard to get people to private let etc, in this area for instance they have 4000 families waiting for a house, last year 238 houses became available. It can't be an easy job to allocate those homes. Anyway, when I spoke to her she told me that even though the board is up outside the house, it isn't actually listed yet with the agents, so no-one will be looking at it yet. However.....it seems that there is an investor that lives right in the street, he owns 3 other house in the square and HE IS INTERESTED in this one! That would mean that we stay, here, in this house. Imagine.
I left it with her that she can tell the agents to set up a viewing, this man can come and look around and if we hear in the next week or so that he is buying, we will stay.
Until we hear that it is a definite we will continue with the application for a council house we will keep cleaning and packing and getting ready. ( the landlady, B, can't believe we are doing any of it and said that she wishes we would stop worrying, she said she has been here many times and has never seen anything that needs fretting over, yeay!)
I will pray that somehow this man buys, he is an established landlord, he already has houses in this street, he even lives here himself, if he buys it would be realistic to assume that he will be happy for us to stay for a while. Also, if he lives here he knows us, he must have heard us, he has seen that little bugger climb the gate, seen the footballs, basketballs, tennis balls and shoes fly over the hedge. I suspect I have said a cheery howdiedoo at some stage. He is still interested. Wow.
Of course, now I am like a girl who has been dumped. All " oh if we get to stay I will never take this house for granted again the dining room will never be a dumping ground and the store room will be highly organised and that pile of clothes that grows by my bed? Gone, honestly. Dust? Thing of the past. Dirty handprints? Not on my watch." Just like when you say that if 'he' comes back you will be kind and always have pretty hair and go to football games with him and never argue and ....you get it. Pie crust promises that you really mean when you are bargaining with the powers that be, when you are in the ' oh if only' phases of your life.
I will be honest, I want to stay ( you'd never have guessed that would you? ) I will dissolve in a puddle of weeping gratitude if we can stay here and marvel at our blessings and enjoy how CLEAN it is....look how empty that store room is! Would you look at the shiny stove?? LOOK sparkling grout in the shower, who'd have imagine that was possible and it's ALL FOR US! And phew isn't it WARM? Must be all that insulation.....man, when did we last put gas on that card? This would be the first choice.
However, I am learning that sometimes, what we want isn't always what we need. I am sticking with leaving this one up to the Lord. We will do what we need to do and go where we need to go and be grateful, but if the angels are reading this blog......we want to stay. Please.
I went out with my girl today, a posh lunch, just us. it was lovely and eye opening and get this...she listened to me, I got through to her, she heard me. Miracles happen. I am in awe of how huge these things can be. In the middle of all this when you least expect it, great things happen. She kissed me, she said thankyou more times than I could count, she said several times that this was a lovely day. It made me want to do that again, soon. Fresh air, in great big gob fulls, that's what today was and I needed it. I don't think my hair will fall out tonight ( that was crazy) and I think I won't feel like I am dying. Thank heavens for that!

Notice from the management.

( pinned onto Jordan and Sophie's doors )

Doors will be locked when managers retire, unless specific request has been received via text or phone call, patrons will be locked out and have to find alternative accomodation. Notice to be received by 10pm at the latest.

Rooms must be kept at a reasonable filth level, when any unpleasant odour is detected, management reserves the right to fumigate said room and charge accordingly.

ALL phone calls will be charged...every SINGLE one. Calls to mobile phones must be made from patrons OWN mobile phone or patron will PAY THE BILL

Patrons are welcome to use cooking facilities but are politely requested to WASH THEIR OWN DAMN DISHES. Failure to wash dishes ( and pans, let's not forget the pans) will result in the managers feeling righteous indignation and putting dirty dishes, pots pans, knives and forks in the PATRON'S BLOODY BEDS!

Regrettably, due to unforeseen circumstances ( ie discovering that what the managers thought was a family home is actually an hotel) fees are charges will shortly be increased. After all, every employee is entitled to a holiday and the tips in this establishment are abysmal.

Thankyou for your custom, please come again.

It's MOTHERS DAY!

What a splendid day I can't remember ever having such day wonderful mothers day. It started very early, at 1am I was woken by the hallway light going on, our door doesn't close properly and so when the light is switched on it wakes me up, grumble, grump feeling sure that Sophie turned the light on I went out to get cross with her, but it wasn't her, no sign of anyone.
My poor legs hurt so much I thought I should go and get some paracetemol or something, in the kitchen as I was getting in a drink, in bounds Seth, wide awake and so happy..... " IT'S MOTHERS DAY!!" Bless his face.
I told him that it was the middle of the night and that he really should get some sleep " but I want to cook you breakfast with daddy" I told him that daddy would be sure to wake him and he could cook breakfast then. It took him 2 1/2 hours to get back to sleep, he was so worried he would miss the excitement.
I woke at 7am and hrumph, how awful, had to just stay in bed until I had been surprised ....8am, little boys and daddy came up with bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Sweet hand made cards and beautiful flowers. What a way to start the day.
Church was lovely, singing children and little hand wrapped gifts and cards.
When I got home we ate lunch and I found on my bed, the most fabulous array of skin care creams, hand lotions, make up and a beautiful bag...this must be from Jordan who hadn't been home when we left and was already at work when we got home. I still haven't seen him but I'm sure it must have been his gift to me.
After dinner cooked by H ( fried chicken, corn, potato salad and beans) I took out a tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate and fudge brownie ice cream, sitting in my chair with 3 little boys around me, mouths open like little baby sparrows waiting to be fed, better than worms they were rewarded with gobs of delicious ice cream and what joy in those moments of sharing with these little people. Shame that the ice cream sent them into a frenzy of couch jumping and squealing until threats of early bed calmed them down, 30 minutes of watching diving with whales did the trick, hoorah for whales!
I will try and post pictures tomorrow of cards and flowers, too comfy and relaxed to take any right now. My silky soft hands, with manicured nails are ready to fold in blissful relaxation while I watch some good telly, or even 'the Queen' DVD.
I feel some change in the air, spring is bringing it's lively thoughts and intentions and I am hoping that any day now my energy and enthusiasm will be bursting forth. This year has so much to offer and I want to be ready to enjoy it. Little things are beginning to break through this horrible misery that has been with me. At last I can see little sprigs of hope that the winter is over and it's time to look out and see the good stuff again. I do so poorly with the bleak weather, my mind gets steeped in the greyness and misery. Next winter, we get a 4 week break from the
good ole English wind and rain and will all benefit from the Californian sunshine and warmth. I should get one of those light boxes and sit in front of it every day, sunshine is my medicine.
Tomorrow is another day, what a shame to waste any of them. I have been reminded so often lately how short this life is.
An old friend died recently and the bugger of it was, she wasn't old at all. 48. Damn cancer of course. I hadn't seen her since we drove away from Utah with our tails between our legs and no idea where we would end up.
She was the reason I met H, she showed me the online singles thing that introduced me to him, made sure I went to meet him, encouraged and cajoled
There was a feeling of disappointment on both sides and also I think, ( I know) on my side, shame and embarrassment that meant we never spoke again. I have oft been sad about that and since I heard that she had died, that has deepened. Of course it is too late to do anything and anyway, actions done out of guilt or because someone is dying mean nothing, in my opinion, which is why, even when I knew she was dying I did nothing. We go through this life and allow pride and shame to dictate what we do and how we behave. Sad that.
What would I have done differently 4 years ago, if I had known that this lovely, stubborn, proud and kind lady would die so soon? Who knows, and it may be in another life when I meet her and we can laugh about how unimportant these things were that we fell out over. I know that already, to her, they don't matter anymore, if they even did at all. She was generous to a fault and had an amazing outlook on life, always seeing things in an eternal perspective and rarely as something here and now. She was very proud and fought any kind of help from any source. Her first battle with cancer was done without anyone but one or two close friends knowing about it, never stopping, not crying, not complaining, just getting on with it and only revealing what she had been though when it was done, beaten, won. Damn beast came back though and on the 3rd round it beat her. 48.
If stories like this and there are far too many of them around, if these aren't enough to make the rest of us get up, look around us and make a conscious decision to make every day count, then shame on us.
Sorry Jackie, bye bye, tomorrow I will make my day count. Say hello to my dad if you see him.

It's MOTHERS DAY!

What a splendid day I can't remember ever having such day wonderful mothers day. It started very early, at 1am I was woken by the hallway light going on, our door doesn't close properly and so when the light is switched on it wakes me up, grumble, grump feeling sure that Sophie turned the light on I went out to get cross with her, but it wasn't her, no sign of anyone.
My poor legs hurt so much I thought I should go and get some paracetemol or something, in the kitchen as I was getting in a drink, in bounds Seth, wide awake and so happy..... " IT'S MOTHERS DAY!!" Bless his face.
I told him that it was the middle of the night and that he really should get some sleep " but I want to cook you breakfast with daddy" I told him that daddy would be sure to wake him and he could cook breakfast then. It took him 2 1/2 hours to get back to sleep, he was so worried he would miss the excitement.
I woke at 7am and hrumph, how awful, had to just stay in bed until I had been surprised ....8am, little boys and daddy came up with bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Sweet hand made cards and beautiful flowers. What a way to start the day.
Church was lovely, singing children and little hand wrapped gifts and cards.
When I got home we ate lunch and I found on my bed, the most fabulous array of skin care creams, hand lotions, make up and a beautiful bag...this must be from Jordan who hadn't been home when we left and was already at work when we got home. I still haven't seen him but I'm sure it must have been his gift to me.
After dinner cooked by H ( fried chicken, corn, potato salad and beans) I took out a tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate and fudge brownie ice cream, sitting in my chair with 3 little boys around me, mouths open like little baby sparrows waiting to be fed, better than worms they were rewarded with gobs of delicious ice cream and what joy in those moments of sharing with these little people. Shame that the ice cream sent them into a frenzy of couch jumping and squealing until threats of early bed calmed them down, 30 minutes of watching diving with whales did the trick, hoorah for whales!
I will try and post pictures tomorrow of cards and flowers, too comfy and relaxed to take any right now. My silky soft hands, with manicured nails are ready to fold in blissful relaxation while I watch some good telly, or even 'the Queen' DVD.
I feel some change in the air, spring is bringing it's lively thoughts and intentions and I am hoping that any day now my energy and enthusiasm will be bursting forth. This year has so much to offer and I want to be ready to enjoy it. Little things are beginning to break through this horrible misery that has been with me. At last I can see little sprigs of hope that the winter is over and it's time to look out and see the good stuff again. I do so poorly with the bleak weather, my mind gets steeped in the greyness and misery. Next winter, we get a 4 week break from the
good ole English wind and rain and will all benefit from the Californian sunshine and warmth. I should get one of those light boxes and sit in front of it every day, sunshine is my medicine.
Tomorrow is another day, what a shame to waste any of them. I have been reminded so often lately how short this life is.
An old friend died recently and the bugger of it was, she wasn't old at all. 48. Damn cancer of course. I hadn't seen her since we drove away from Utah with our tails between our legs and no idea where we would end up.
She was the reason I met H, she showed me the online singles thing that introduced me to him, made sure I went to meet him, encouraged and cajoled
There was a feeling of disappointment on both sides and also I think, ( I know) on my side, shame and embarrassment that meant we never spoke again. I have oft been sad about that and since I heard that she had died, that has deepened. Of course it is too late to do anything and anyway, actions done out of guilt or because someone is dying mean nothing, in my opinion, which is why, even when I knew she was dying I did nothing. We go through this life and allow pride and shame to dictate what we do and how we behave. Sad that.
What would I have done differently 4 years ago, if I had known that this lovely, stubborn, proud and kind lady would die so soon? Who knows, and it may be in another life when I meet her and we can laugh about how unimportant these things were that we fell out over. I know that already, to her, they don't matter anymore, if they even did at all. She was generous to a fault and had an amazing outlook on life, always seeing things in an eternal perspective and rarely as something here and now. She was very proud and fought any kind of help from any source. Her first battle with cancer was done without anyone but one or two close friends knowing about it, never stopping, not crying, not complaining, just getting on with it and only revealing what she had been though when it was done, beaten, won. Damn beast came back though and on the 3rd round it beat her. 48.
If stories like this and there are far too many of them around, if these aren't enough to make the rest of us get up, look around us and make a conscious decision to make every day count, then shame on us.
Sorry Jackie, bye bye, tomorrow I will make my day count. Say hello to my dad if you see him.