If only.......

Take a breath this could be a ramble.
Up and down and up and down. That's me.
I am piggy in the middle, landlords and councils...playing chicken with us in the middle.
Leave the house....we can't help you...find another house....stay where you are......have to move.....
One minute ready to go, next weeping buckets because I haven't finished here. One minute packing things, next crying because, oh they still belong here.
Ooooh might get a garden.....ohhhhhhh love this house...ooooooh could be lovely new house.....ohhhhhhh won't be as lovely as this....ooooooh will be all cosy and .....ohhhhhh hate cosy, like posh and here and THIS HOUSE.
I woke up at 4am this morning 3 hours after I went to bed, i lay for 2 hours telling myself that I am NOT dying, I am NOT having a heart attack, my hair is not falling out ( yes people I felt sure that my hair was falling out every time I moved, my hair is still there, my mind? Not so sure) I willed H to wake u, he wakes up at 4 every morning, it'll be Ok, as soon as he wakes up it will be fine, he will hug me and pat my back and squeeze me, ho hum.....4.30am......sigh ......5am ....5.30am ( can't wake him, sleep is a precious commodity, we don't take that away from anyone in this house) 6.20 ..he woke up...hooray!!! He slept in, marvellous for him painful for me because I so needed to touch him and know that I wasn't dying.
This is really, to my shame, a horrible time for me. I am incredulous that this whole situation has floored me like this. I think perhaps it's because I am not ready to leave this house. I have always known when I it's time for me to move, it starts with my feeling unsettled and also when I come back to the house, it stops feeling like home. I feel almost agitated when I am 'done' with a house. I don't feel any of this yet. I feel like we are being turfed out of our home, not leaving a house.
So, we are going great guns, we are doing what we feel we need to do. Walls are bare, things are piled up, rooms are cleared. Today I had to speak with my landlady who, truth be told has always been so good to us. We have as good a relationship as it is possible to have as tenant/ owner. She pops in at times, I can call her about anything, she is lovely.
So, I had to call her and discuss some correspondence from the council with her, they are being meticulous and hard hitting, I wanted to be sure that she was OK with the letter they wrote her and to tell her that they are very keen NOT to have to house us, that if there is anyway they can avoid it, they will try and achieve that. Council houses are precious, much sought after and like gold dust, it is incredibly hard to get one. The council will work very hard to get people to private let etc, in this area for instance they have 4000 families waiting for a house, last year 238 houses became available. It can't be an easy job to allocate those homes. Anyway, when I spoke to her she told me that even though the board is up outside the house, it isn't actually listed yet with the agents, so no-one will be looking at it yet. However.....it seems that there is an investor that lives right in the street, he owns 3 other house in the square and HE IS INTERESTED in this one! That would mean that we stay, here, in this house. Imagine.
I left it with her that she can tell the agents to set up a viewing, this man can come and look around and if we hear in the next week or so that he is buying, we will stay.
Until we hear that it is a definite we will continue with the application for a council house we will keep cleaning and packing and getting ready. ( the landlady, B, can't believe we are doing any of it and said that she wishes we would stop worrying, she said she has been here many times and has never seen anything that needs fretting over, yeay!)
I will pray that somehow this man buys, he is an established landlord, he already has houses in this street, he even lives here himself, if he buys it would be realistic to assume that he will be happy for us to stay for a while. Also, if he lives here he knows us, he must have heard us, he has seen that little bugger climb the gate, seen the footballs, basketballs, tennis balls and shoes fly over the hedge. I suspect I have said a cheery howdiedoo at some stage. He is still interested. Wow.
Of course, now I am like a girl who has been dumped. All " oh if we get to stay I will never take this house for granted again the dining room will never be a dumping ground and the store room will be highly organised and that pile of clothes that grows by my bed? Gone, honestly. Dust? Thing of the past. Dirty handprints? Not on my watch." Just like when you say that if 'he' comes back you will be kind and always have pretty hair and go to football games with him and never argue and ....you get it. Pie crust promises that you really mean when you are bargaining with the powers that be, when you are in the ' oh if only' phases of your life.
I will be honest, I want to stay ( you'd never have guessed that would you? ) I will dissolve in a puddle of weeping gratitude if we can stay here and marvel at our blessings and enjoy how CLEAN it is....look how empty that store room is! Would you look at the shiny stove?? LOOK sparkling grout in the shower, who'd have imagine that was possible and it's ALL FOR US! And phew isn't it WARM? Must be all that insulation.....man, when did we last put gas on that card? This would be the first choice.
However, I am learning that sometimes, what we want isn't always what we need. I am sticking with leaving this one up to the Lord. We will do what we need to do and go where we need to go and be grateful, but if the angels are reading this blog......we want to stay. Please.
I went out with my girl today, a posh lunch, just us. it was lovely and eye opening and get this...she listened to me, I got through to her, she heard me. Miracles happen. I am in awe of how huge these things can be. In the middle of all this when you least expect it, great things happen. She kissed me, she said thankyou more times than I could count, she said several times that this was a lovely day. It made me want to do that again, soon. Fresh air, in great big gob fulls, that's what today was and I needed it. I don't think my hair will fall out tonight ( that was crazy) and I think I won't feel like I am dying. Thank heavens for that!