Over to you, God.

So, this moving thing? The whole new house, deal? It's freaking me out. My head hurts, my heart is pounding and the tears? Shut up!
I can tell myself ALL the positives, I know there are many, I understand that these things almost always happen for a reason. I know that if this hadn't happened, chances are I would be prepared to keep muddling along with all the things that aren't good for us, simply because I love this house.
I have lived, in my adult years in 3 countries, 18 houses/ homes. In all that I have NEVER been sad about moving, not once. I have been apprehensive and nervous and stressed with details but never sad, newness is exciting to me, new beginnings hold great promise. this time though, it is with the most incredible sadness.
My sensible head tells me that this is ridiculous, I can make a home anywhere. I know that wherever we end up it will be fine and I will make it lovely. But I REALLY love this house, I love where it is, I love the wonky doors, the lumpy walls, the creaks and sticking doors. I walk in the door and it is home. I am still not tired of saying this address, I still love walking in the front door, I love the smell of this house.
Walking out of the door and being right in town, walking to dance class, to the shops, to the park. The train and bus stations are 3 minutes away. I'm pretty sure that wherever we move will mean back to driving everywhere again. I hate that.
I hate to say that the whole thing has made me crash. I am sick.
I hope that it will be a fleeting relapse but whatever, right now I am fighting the need to shut off and shut down.
I do know that there is only so much I can do. Forms I will do, I hate them, I am convinced that the world and it's auntie know too much about me and mine as it is. I have a mountain of paperwork to fill in, all of it intrusive, all of it repetitive. I will do it.
I will make phone calls and plead and nag and state my case.
What I can 't do, can't even think about is look.
I can't trail internet agencies, drive around neighbourhoods, read property papers and look, see, build hopes, look forward and be told NO. Sorry, already let. No children. No benefits.
I am handing this one over to the Lord, kit and caboodle. With every ounce of faith I own I say to Him "Here we are, point me in the right direction"
I am doing my part and packing, clearing, dumping, crying, preparing and praying. I am listening and waiting for some guidance. I am completely at ease with this, I have done this with all the huge decisions in my life. It has always worked.
I am convinced that whatever the answer is .. it will come to me.
At some stage ( please let it be soon) I will find myself in front of a house or I will be told about a house, I will say the right thing to the right person or somehow that housing association will find our details at the top of their pile.
I am cautiously optimistic about the girl child. She wept, a lot. She was incredulous and afraid and then she was MAD! But now...she is, dare I say, almost excited. I think she might have a teeny glimmer of a vision of how being independent could be. She is job hunting, with real intent. YIPPEE AYE AY!
Jordan is fine, he has it in hand. He is ready.
H is perfect for me. This is not a time to pander to my fears. He is calm and gentle and just quietly says things like " this will be a good thing" and " Hmmmmm. Uh huh. Right. Yeah. Good. Really?" He also says things like " you sure you couldn't stay in bed longer?" and " I thought I would take the boys out for a few hours" He is glorious. Yes he is. Thankyou Lord for a man that may not say a lot but does much.

Oh good news .... my blood tests came back, all normal apart from my cholesterol levels which I tell you are EXCELLENT. There, fat I may be, cloggy I am not. Apparently, a normal level is 5. Mine is 3.2. I take a bow. No problems there then. I have a doctor's appointment on monday anyway just to discuss test results and chest pains etc, it would seem that all that breathing difficulty and tight chest etc must be panic attacks, that means I just have to learn to breathe through them and I am pretty good at that when I know that I won't drop dead.

I must say that I am so enjoying my boys lately. Each one of them is going through a fabulous phase right now, Eli is chatty and funny and dancing always. It must be in his blood, he hasn't had classes for a couple of weeks but he dances on. If music comes on he dances, he'll jump and say " Hey, diss music should go like DISS and he's off, he is a bit OTT, maybe there's a spot on a Barney DVD waiting for him ( he has never seen Barney, ever...but he has heard some Barney songs, he loves 'em)
Seth told us this week that he is addicted to sports. I believe him and crikey, he's good too, stuns me as he is such a nerd and a book worm but he shoots hoops and I bought them a tennis racket each today, the ball is attached to elastic so hooray, no belting that thing over the wall.
Isaac is just Isaac, delicious and perfect and touching and gorgeous.
I just want security for them, that elusive home that is part of every memory when they are grown. It will come and even if, heaven forbid, it doesn't..... I'm pretty sure that won't be too traumatic for them. Just for me.
I had a very therapeutic day today, I went into the store room and cleared it, took 2 van loads of stuff to the tip, using that 'haven't used it for 6 months......out it goes' rule. Chairs, cases, books, toys, clothes, boxes, curtains.....ahhhhhhhh gone. I am the very opposite of a pack rat, very often I wish I had kept something but the feeling is over fast enough, it's all stuff. I wish I had kept some memories I got rid of, but again...the greatest memories are where they can always be with me, in my heart. I get a huge buzz from throwing things out....actually it all goes to the reclamation yard to be resold or recycled. I don't throw too much away at all.
Ack, its nealy 1 am, I have to sleeeeeeeeeep. Sunday is not a day of rest in this house, the afternoons are but the mornings are insane. Night night.

P.S I just clicked on my world map thingamijig.....I LOVE it that people are still leaving messages. Thankyou. I found some new blogs to read and will be by your blogs soon!