Subtle, perhaps not.

I love my friends, they are the kindest and most generous of all people and I never cease to be thrilled that we met, most of my friends are imaginary ones, ones that live behind a screen and some, I admit, I forget that I have never actually met. Sometimes I remind myself that I haven't met these people in person. I have met lots of my imaginary friends and when that has happened it has always been the most natural and easy of moments, as though we grew up together and of course this is who they are and of course we would feel this way.
I believe all the things my friends tell me, I absolutely do.
No matter how sad I may feel or how baffled I might feel at the wonderful things they tell me, I always believe them because they don't lie to me, neither do they say what they think I want to hear.
They are kind, funny, generous, honest, strong, clever, hard working, some work from home, some work outside the home, all are mothers, some from England, most from elsewhere in this big and sometimes scary world. They are all of these things but the one thing they are not, is subtle or underhand.
I wrote my last entry when I was ( can you believe this?) as low as I have ever been and I wrote exactly what I was feeling. I wrote it and briefly, I worried that I had written it and posted it. Then I let it go and didn't worry because actually, the thing that has yet to let me down when I feel as sorrowful and self pitying as I did on that day, is writing. I can write things I know I would never be able to say out loud to another human being.
I am what I am and I am who I am, I often wish to be different but  this is it. I rather like who I am, I don't like much of what has happened very much but despite how I seem to be lacking in self esteem, I'm really not. I am aware of my strengths and talents and I hope I don't belittle those parts of myself that I can be proud of. I am completely self deprecating in many ways and I suspect that will always be. When I was 18 and ( now I look at pictures) quite beautiful, with naturally voluptuous boobs, little waist, long curly, shiny hair and beautiful eyes, I thought I was fat and the ugly duckling of the family. I rarely care that I was never considered a stunning beauty because from the age of 15 I have always had someone that loved me more than they loved other people, they may have come and gone but they were there and while they were there I was never in any doubt that they loved me and that I deserved it.
So, I wrote the blog and I posted it and then I got on with what I do best, which is getting on with it. I have been quieter than I usually am and I haven't, I don't think, been as funny and supportive as I can be, I am, most definitely, running on empty but I am running, albeit in a spluttery and stop-starty kind of way.
I re-read the last entry several times because I was pleased at just how well it described how I had been feeling and if I am honest, still feel. I don't think too much about comments these days because since I made this blog private I think people forget it is here, that makes it easier for me to write what I want to write, even if it makes it less fun or rewarding ( because I am, to be fair, a comments whore, tell me I am FABULOUS, in writing because then I can come back and re-read and feel fabulous all over again)
The fact that I do write is the very reason, I hope, that no-one need worry. When I spew the misery onto the page (or into the post as is the way in this world of technology) the worst of it stays here.
Today, I started to get email notifications that I had comments on my post, as well as that I got some texts and some lovely messages on Face book and I smiled because I knew that one of my imaginary friends had read the post and sent our mutual imaginary friends a message that I was sad. So although the methods of the incidental messages of love and support were varied, they were all clearly sincere and most welcome.
I am glad that I wrote, quite clearly that the feelings I had towards H were not usual. I adore him and I know that he loves me just as much, it's funny that other people tell me how much he loves me much more often than he ever does. He doesn't tell me very often but he shows me almost every day. I do not get flowers or chocolates but I get so much more. He is the perfect gentleman which in this day and age is almost impossible to find and I will always love that I have that in my husband. I often wish that he would pander to my insecurities and say all those lovely things a woman longs to hear but if I am honest I suspect that it would be my undoing should he ever do just that.
The other day, I went into our room and saw that he had taken his pillowcase off his pillow and hadn't replaced it. I had just ironed a whole pile and so I put a fresh one on and forgot all about it. Later that evening after he had gone to bed, I got a text, sent from his iPod that said " Thank you for my pillowcase, I sure do love you a whole lot" Now to most women that wouldn't mean very much but the fact that he rarely says ( or writes) those words it was heart stoppingly glorious to me. There is something to be said for not spouting those 3 little words 15 times a day. I know that he finds it difficult to say because in his life he has been told he is loved while being shown that he is of no importance at all, by the very people who should never have done anything to make him doubt he was loved.  Life is very black and white to H, his experience of hearing ' I love you' is that people are liars, so when he hears those words, he doesn't feel joyous or in anyway fluffy. He feels wary and distrusting. I have learned to say things like " I love you, in the most sincere and truthful way" which makes him laugh, which in turn means he felt good when he heard them and as time has passed he is much more able to hear the words and enjoy them, in fact he often uses the fact that I have said them to reply with "And I, you." which is marvellous because he hasn't actually had to say them at all! If I call him on the phone he will often wait until I have said goodbye and then he will say, very quickly " love ya now" and hang up because ye gads let's not get into a discussion about it!
He is good for me and I for him. Even when I could punch him in the head, I am completely sure that he is right for me and I am also certain that I was made especially to love him and accept all his quirks and foibles and embrace almost every one of them.
I am so thankful for my friends and love that they are sufficiently caring enough to rally together and make me know that I am loved. Thank you one and all, not at all subtle but every one truly splendid.

It's my party...well technically it isn't...

What an emotional time this is, the wedding is so close, 8 days! I have had so little to do with the planning of it, Jordan and Mel have done everything, they have just plodded and worked and got it done. A few rides here and some baby sitting there.
It's all done bar the shouting, wait, that wasn't the best cliche to slip in there, in fact I am astounded by the lack of shouting considering what a stressful time this is supposed to be.
There has been some shouting in this house lately, from me anyway, my goodness the shouting, it has been awful, in my head is where most of the shouting has been, so FURIOUS I have been, about everything. Absolutely everything. I have been so miserable about what to wear, have bought this and that and some more of them on line which is STUPID, don't do it, you can't see what the material is like ( that is PINK! It didn't LOOK pink in the picture!) you can't try it on ( What? Why does this not fit? WHY? It is my size, it should fit, I am obviously even fatter than I thought and WOE IS ME !) I have spent more 'saving' money than if I had just gone to a posh shop for fat people and bought a blasted suit. I gave up on the online pursuit of clothes that will make me feel beautiful and look as though I have some taste.
I went shopping, well I tried to go shopping, set off bright and early drove a few miles to the nearest town with some hope of having something suitable for me to wear. It's not too far away but the traffic is always awful so it is a pain in the bum to go there. I got there, parked, went to put my parking chip in my purse.....only to discover my purse was still at home. By the time I got home there wasn't time to set off again before it was my shift with the Eli home schooling boy.
The next day I tried again and I saw lots of clothes LOTS, rails and rails of them, in my size even, in animal prints. Leopard prints and tiger prints , also there were lots of things with stripes HORIZONTAL stripes, in my size ( which I will never divulge unless some miracle occurs and I wake up 10 sizes smaller and then I will be ALL OVER that ' oh me? Why yes I lost weight I used to be a size ENORMOUS and now, tiny, am skinny, thin, skinny) and then there was the clingy stuff, the pretty coloured, plain material that was CLINGY, clinging to every lump, bump and roll. Posture is everything and let me tell you this, the more clothes a big women tries on, the more she slumps and collapses and eventually she will scream "SOD IT ALL I JUST WONT GO!" Except I have to go. I really have to go and actually, I know that when I DO go I will be so happy to be there and see my boy get married to a girl I adore.
I knew that I was feeling the way I was because I was sad, I was worried and I hated thinking that I would have to spend the day feeling as if I wanted to crawl under a stone.
Yesterday I grabbed Sophie, I told H I wouldn't be home and I took her with me to find something, I usually hate anyone coming with me because I don't want anyone to see what size I am picking up ( Hello? Why? Will they look and think " yikes, she is FAT!" because really, that's pretty obvious anyway isn't it?) so I go alone and sometimes I find something and then I see it costs more than £5 and I put it back because who on earth would spend money on clothes that aren't going to help any?
So, off we went and bless her heart, she isn't usually known for saying the right thing but she opened that mouth of hers and said exactly the right thing, she said " Mum, I wish you had some idea of how pretty you are, because you really are and I hate you always putting yourself down"
Wouldn't you know it, we walked into a shop and I found several things I liked, non of them leopard print or stripey, I took some in the changing rooms and I came out with a pretty top, one that would go with a skirt I found 2 weeks ago that I love. Then we found jewellery, a scarf and more jewellery, bangles and rings and things that all go with the outfit. It took us an hour to find everything I need and it is SO nice and SO comfortable. I love jewellery and usually the costume stuff doesn't fit and this time I found pretty things and SOPHIE got a ring stuck on her finger! Oh joy.
I am not wearing a hat or a fascinator or whatever those things are called, Even if I didn't look stupid I would feel it and this day is too important for me to feel self conscious.
Sophie and I went next to Boots the chemist and we sat while 2 ladies did our skin and make up...that is another huge thing for me, allowing someone to touch my skin and stare at me! ( this whole autism thing, I wonder if anyone ever looks at my kids and thinks 'autism my arse, look at the neurotic mother!') She made me look pretty darn OK, she used a pore concealer ( hooray! Hate those mahoosive holes on my face) and then she used some anti red concealer, some foundation and some shiny shimmery crap followed by some 'coral' stuff which was to something or other something that needed something....what I am saying is she pushed her luck there a bit. I was all for the pore stuff and the get rid of that red ( what IS that?) stuff and then it all got a bit 'how many layers of stuff can a face take?' I got some eyeliner and some mascara and I felt very good, it was nice make up and it wasn't heavy or cloggy, I liked it. So I picked up the pore concealer and the anti red stuff and she told me the price and WHOA...she told me the prices of the other stuff she used and I couldn't do it. I did buy the 2 items that made a difference and I shook for 2 hours because I had spent that much on 2 little boxes of make up just for me. I don't regret it at all because thank goodness, I now am looking forward to getting dressed, putting my make up on, a hair dresser is coming at 8am to do my hair, I love how she does my hair and when she has done it, it stays that way for a couple of days so I know I will last all day without turning into a hay stack. I am ready and for that, I am incredibly grateful.
I actually feel as though I will be looking quite splendid. Bring it on.
The cards are written and the bottle is full.
Julie Bo and Jenn arrive early on wednesday morning and I am so excited about that I hardly know what to do. I can't wait for them to be here and to show them around, eat in little country pubs, shop in London, share the wedding with them, share my family with them and have a whole week laughing and crying and just being together. What lovely friends I have. Friends who have never met Jordan love him and have sent him and Mel love and presents. Friends who love me so much that they are as excited as I am that Julie and Jenn are coming. Cathy was planning on coming too and then she couldn't, even so she is excited for us and making sure I know she wishes she could be here too.
I get quite teary every time I think of Julie and Jenn coming all this way to see us. I smiled so widely the other day because I was telling H excited I was to spoil them and then later that day I got an email from Julie saying she was excited to get here and spoil me! That's what friendship is all about, how wonderful it is to have such people in my life.
It's not my party and anyway I'm not even crying.

101 subjects.

Sometimes ( though not often) I have a dilemma that I long to blog about and then I think, hmm maybe I shouldn't, because it is about someone other than me, like my children, who are a part of me and so usually I think, they're mine, I can talk about them, what can they do? They won't even read this until I am dead and even then who will think to give them the link and say " she loved you, most of the time, you drove her insane more often than not but she does love you, did, past tense, she's dead, here read what she said about you" Who? No-one that's who.
I had such an occasion recently where Sophie ( yes, Sophie, some things never change) was going through something that made me SCREAM inside, and want to talk her to death,

( there is a very suspicious smell in here, what can THAT be? Hope the mouse didn't die in here under something, hope it died alright but not where I am going to smell it)

anyhoo, she made me want to teach and tell her and advise her and tell her TO STOP IT...but I didn't because a) She is a grown woman, albeit only in body, the rest is taking it's sweet time to catch up. b) when anyone tells Sophie to do anything, advises her, teaches her, she feels it her duty to prove them wrong and go right ahead and carry on, only more. c) sometimes I get sick of the sound of my own voice, rattling on to the wall, as if anything I say might somehow sink into a mind belonging to a child I gave birth to and actually making a difference.

So, I kept my mouth shut, which was SO HARD let me tell you. That's all I will tell you because it's her story and it's over anyway now. It worked, my keeping my mouth shut, she worked it out and I must say, she did it beautifully and with a certain amount of charm, if we discount her being arrested that is. Bless her big mouth and all, some things are never going to change, she still hasn't learned when to shut HER mouth, even when she is being restrained by a policeman and thrown into the back of a paddy wagon. I could tell you all about THAT experience as she is quite proud of it, which is why I yawned and said " how fascinating, did you get a fine because THAT would take the fun out of that for you wouldn't it?" seems she didn't, I should probably call the local police and tell them next time to fine her, she might think twice then.
So, today I was dilly dallying about whether to share her latest annoying phase, I mean how much do I want to share? I tell myself that recording all this will help me, when it's all over, to look back and say " OH MY! I forgot all about THAT....and oh how I will laugh, but then I realise with a sinking heart that, well it doesn't appear that it will ever be over because she KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE KEEPS DOING!
She is ->this<- close to losing her job, the one she is good at that pays her every month and keeps her somewhat busy during the day. Does she care? Nope, not at all. I, however feel sick at the thought of her not having this job. And that's all I am going to say about it because....dull. Very dull and repetative. I went to the movies this evening, with my friend who lives right here, in this very town, darn it if I don't keep forgetting I have friends who are right here, so obsessed am I with my over the sea friends that I forget I can call people here and say " shall we go out" and they say " yes, why don't we" and no-one has to get on a plane! For heaven's sake that's great isn't it? Flying across the ocean is marvellous and I am excited that I shall be doing just that in 6 weeks but going out, having fun and being home in time for bed, is pretty fabulous as well. So we went to see " the Ugly truth" which was very funny and romantic and quite rude in places. Whenever I watch anything vaguely romantic I feel sort of sad because Oh how I love romance and there isn't any, anywhere near me, H is many things, romantic isn't one of them. I believe he did that a couple of times when he was younger, with someone else and now, well we're older and wiser so no need for any of that is there? I talked to Jane and all the way home we were planning ways to get H to at least remember that I am here, I mean he knows I am HERE, someone is doing the laundry, he knows I am here, someone is bringing shopping in and putting it in the fridge after all. HE just seems to forget that I am here, me..the wife, he knows the mother of his children is here because his children are everything to him, he knows Helen is here because darn it all if she doesn't just keep talking to him all the time, always with the talking. I just think he forgets that THIS me is here, the one that no-one else sees, the one that really likes being with HIM, that H, not the daddy one or the spiritual giant, the H only I see, the one that is just mine. We talked ( because women do that ) about how to get him away from being the daddy for a while. When I came home, he opened the door for me ( see? He is such a gentleman, 10 years together and he opens the door for me, he also cooks dinner and cleans up so that I can get ready to go out and he puts the boys to bed and stays here with them while I fly across the world to be with my friends, he is a splendid specimen of manhood ) and we said hello and before I had a chance to say a word he said " you know what? I think we need to find a babysitter and start going out on friday evenings" and then, not 5 minutes later he said it again. Dan is down next week, I will ask him to stay here while we go out somewhere and we shall indeed be Helen and H and not mum and dad, just for a while because it's so easy to plod from day to day, week to week and forget who we are and what makes it all worthwhile. My friends are having a blast in Canada, pictures and texts, facebook status updates, so much fun, much laughter and of course, friendships being made and strengthened. I love the internet, where would my life be without it? I met H online, that's the best reason for loving it, I have made such great friendships, real honest to goodness ones , slipped up a couple of times without too many awful consequences ( egg on my face and a sense of 'how was I that stupid?) but all in all, wonderful people who, without the internet I wouldn't know...which doesn't bear thinking about, not at all. So I won't. I look at the pictures, I see all the laughter and the see Jenn and Julie, in pink and blue wigs, Cathy with her face splitting from ear to ear as she sees her friends arrive, as she arrived in Canada. I see pictures of stores and airports, hotel rooms and in every one, smiling faces, huge smiles and genuine joy. Life is all about memories, I am so lucky to be able to make memories that will last forever, with my children, my family and my friends, ones that I will smile about when I am old and have so much time on my hands that sitting near a window and remembering is something I get to do a lot. I thought I would be sad about not being in Canada but I'm really not, I get calls and speak to the splendid ladies ( and even hang up on them! Yep, that would be me, chat chat.....oh OK, bye bye, just as I hit the end call button, I heard someone say " HI!" click. Gah. ) and I get texts and updates and it just makes me so excited for Boston. The best part of these friendships for me, is that we are all different, different ages, different religions, different lifestyles, none of that matters, somehow all these women ( and the group keeps growing) have one thing in common, we all seem to find the same things funny and we are all keen that whoever is nearby feels happy to be there. Such kindness, behind the scenes and in your face, no-one ( I hope) ever feels left out, nobody is on the sidelines unless they put themselves there, some people like to take a back seat and others love to be right in the middle of all the fun ( I, personally and a shy and retiring sort and am always quietly in the background taking it all in. Yes, that would be my role. ) It amazes me that so many women, from all over the world, from so many backgrounds can have so much in common. Friendship is a beautiful thing. You're never too old, too young, too rich, too poor, too clever, too simple to be a friend or have friends. However, you can think you are too rich, too clever, too important and then....well then you lose your friends. Thinking isn't always the best way to being a friend, doing is what counts. What you say might be important, what you do is what matters.
Today has been a lovely day.
Tomorrow, I hope will be as lovely. Isaac is being baptised tomorrow. He said he wanted EVERYONE to be there and see him being baptised, luckily I didn't take him at his word, we have told very few people and this evening he said " I only want my family there" There will be a few more people there and I so hope he can deal with that, when the moment comes for him to be baptised, we can always send everyone out and keep just a few people there, nobody will mind at all. I am a little nervous as we have kept it really low key, I haven't organised it all to death, it's going to be ( I hope) a gentle, quiet time that he can remember happily.
How did he get to be 8 so quickly? Glorious Isaac.

Not this one but the next one.

I'm not going to Canada this weekend.
I am also not going to Japan or New Zealand.
I have always written journals, since I was about 7 or 8, fascinating they were too. How sad that every single one was lost in the move to the USA.
My sister read my journal once and I heard her shrieking with laughter at one of my entries.
"Mum didn't go to London today"
She was crying with laughter and said " Quick! write that I didn't go to Scotland today!!" It made me laugh too because darned if I could remember if mum was supposed to have gone to London that day or whether I was just happy she had stayed at home. Like she ever went anywhere without us anyway. She'd have had a job, I was so convinced that if she went anywhere without me she would die and I would be left half an orphan that I would have the biggest and most annoying meltdowns if she even put her coat on, until I was 15 and then we seemed to avoid each other like the plague.
When I was 16, she had a baby, Leah, which made me think she was quite clever ( if not completely embarrassing because ewwwww, we know how babies are made and she REALLY didn't ought to still be doing *that* at her age, she was 40 which is ancient to still be doing such things. I had my last baby at 41, obviously my feelings on that issue changed.)
So, I am not going to Japan or New Zealand at the weekend and I can say with all honesty that I am not the least bit disturbed by that.
Canada though, that's a little more depressing.
Lots of my imaginary friends are headed to Canada this weekend for a few days of pelvic floor destroying laughter, shopping, eating out and in hotel shenanigans. Many of said friends are no longer imaginary and have proven themselves to be actual, real people who are even more splendid in real life than they are on a computer screen, which seems impossible but really, they are.
Others are new imaginary friends that I have never met, who make me laugh and who brighten my day, without fail every day.
I am sad not to be meeting so many lovely people and joining in with the hilarity and fun, however, even though online I am 'in your face' and love to be the center of attention, in real life a crowd has been known to make me cry and bolt from the room in a hideous display of hyperventilation. This meetup is a huge gathering of like minded souls, I am telling myself that should I go, I would more than likely embarrass myself by turning into a gasping for air neurotic heap at the sight of so many funny, beautiful and together people. I know my limits and think that deciding to opt for a glorious trip to Boston in October rather than joining in this meetup in Canada was a wise move for me.
I am beyond excited to see pictures of all the goings on, will be waiting on the edge of my seat for pictures of each and every hysterical moment, am certainly going to keep my phone with me so I can hear the laughter and speak with those ladies I adore and the ones I haven't yet met and feel almost as excited as the women who are attending.
I am thrilled for Jenn and Julie, who have driven often the 10 hours to Boston in order to enjoy the inexplicable bonding of women when we meet up there. This time they don't have to drive anywhere but to the airport and wait with those ever welcoming arms and cheery words as their friends arrive, one by one and sometimes in twos. I think I know just how they feel because next year, Cathy, Brian, Matthew and Jenn are coming HERE, actually flying over here to spend some time and go to Jordan and Mel's wedding. I know how wonderful it feels to know people love you enough to beat flying fears and risk jet lag just so that they can be with you.
I am imagining how all those ladies for whom this will be the first meetup will be feeling, I do envy them that feeling of meeting people who, up til now have just been a picture on a screen and realising just how wonderful it is to actually see those people in the flesh.
I came away from the very first Boston meetup feeling almost stunned and speechless that women from all over the world can come together and feel real friendship. We all felt the same, we were high for a long time after that experience and it certainly took a while to come back down to earth.
Lifelong friendships were made in that Hotel, I am forever grateful that I fought the fear of flying to attend that gathering.
I am so happy not to be flying that it levels out the disappointment at missing out on the fun ( almost, not quite if I am honest but almost)
It's a mere 7 weeks until Sophie and I fly to Boston, I am astounded at the fact that I am not yet worried about the flight, I think knowing how quickly the time passes and also that Boston airport is a nice friendly airport that I am now familiar with helps. I feel like an old hand with that trip now, international traveller that I have become!
This time it is just Sophie and I with Cathy, we will meet up with Sara, Colleen and Jamie for dinner and perhaps shopping, we are going to New York for a shopping trip too. Very exciting indeed.
This weekend though is all about waiting for updates and enjoying via the computer all the fun that Canada will be enjoying. I have the popcorn ready and my phone charged.....this is going to be one worth watching and hearing about, there are some funny funny women all about to come together in one place. Watch out Toronto, you have no idea what you are about to experience.
I won't be there this time but the next one has my name on it.

For Cathy, because she told me to. ( and because I adore her)

There once was a lady called Cathy,
Well, her name is quite different, for real.
She appeared on a dreary old weekday
Online and she made us all squeal.

She resides in New England, in Boston,
Which is too far from me, it is true.
So I get on a plane and go see her
She is worth it, she is, I tell you.



I have rarely, if ever, encountered
A soul so completely divine,
She's a friend to so many people
I am endlessly happy she's mine.

You have to be careful with Cathy
( With a C, not a K, not sure why)
Because when you are talking with Cathy
it is certain your pants won't stay dry.

I had, I am proud to say clearly
A quite indestructable floor
Not the one that you walk on, you silly
The one that is pelvic ..well, no more!

She has ruined my ace reputation,
She has taken away my grand prize,
When I see her or talk to this woman,
I leak water..and not from my eyes.

I am quite sure she knows that she does it,
She has made it her project, her goal,
To make all and each of us piddle
If we don't, then her day isn't whole.



She will make us all laugh and then chuckle,
She will keep going on, til she'll see
That we all cross our legs and bend over
To try really hard not to pee.




It is useless to try, we've discovered
When our Cathy is one of your friends,
We have all given up and invested
In shares.. and bought bulk in Depends!



When you think you can't possibly laugh more
No matter how hard that you try,
She will go and do something so touching
That you blubber and sniffle and cry.

She sends flowers when life is a bugger,
She will text you at just the right time,
She will send you balloons or a cook book
She will give you her very last dime.

If she hadn't the means to send presents,
If she had not a penny to spare,
If she lived in a box by the freeway
She would give you her jacket to wear.

I'm not sure when I first noticed my Cathy,
I forget when she entered my world,
I know without doubt that the day was
The one when my sadness unfurled.

I had sadness that ate at my being,
It was scrunched up inside me for years,
She grabbed hold of that feeling and crushed it,
With a heart full of laughter and tears.

It's a small price to pay for her friendship,
I accept it and give grateful thanks,
For the fact that a day never passes
That she won't make me pee in my pants.



So my dearest friend Cathy O'Grady,
This ditty's for you, just from me.
I just wanted to say a big Thankyou
For the times you have forced me to pee.

Friendship, the real kind.

Life is pretty good right now. I am ridiculously tired from jet lag again, who knows why it is so hard to get back in time after a measly 5 hour time difference but goodness me it's like running through treacle.
I have been thinking hard since we got back from Boston and trying to write down what happened this time. Last time we all found ourselves stunned by the emotions of having had such a time together. It was different this time in that there were fewer people there, the whole meet-up began as an idea to reward Sophie for her huge steps taken in getting her life in order. I mentioned the possibility of a meet-up, a quieter one and before we knew it it was all on the go and once again the excitement carried us along.
Whilst there, I took more of a back seat ( which is hard for me as I am a dreadful show off when I feel secure and these women make me feel very secure) It was all about Sophie for 6 days...and she soaked it up. Usually, Sophie avoids affection, she pulls away and puts on a hard faced front, she tries to ensure that if people are going to dislike her, she knows why, she gives them reason to hate her. This time, it was like a breath of fresh air to see her absolutely revel in all the positive attention. She wasn't afraid of hugging or expressing love and happiness, she literally skipped, danced, jumped, clapped her hands, she could scarcely stand still the whole time we were there. I knew that she and Cathy would get on, they are so alike and I think maybe she was meant to be Cathy's but took a wrong turn and came out of my body....the fates have ensure that they get to be friends and I am sure that it will always be the case. We joke that Sophie and George will get married and we will then be related, darn it if we can't get George to obey our commands though!
The older I get the more I understand friendship and how great a blessing it is. I have friends that I have known for so many years I can hardly remember when I met them or how they came into my life. Some I see often, others I can see once every blue moon and it doesn't matter, as soon as I see them it is as if it was yesterday we were last together.
The true friends I have all have one thing in common, they help me be me.
I am a lazy person, I don't like to have to try or work at being anything other than me, I like easy.
I watched Julie and Jenn while we were away and their friendship is exactly how I like it. They are completely sure of each other, they allow each other space, one will leave the other to read, nap, shop, the other will relax knowing that all is well. I love that. They can travel for 10 hours in a car and still be friends at the end of it, they can share a room and relax.
One evening in Boston, Sophie, that young whippersnapper, called around while I had a shower and when I came out all in my jama's having taken my medicine it was to discover that Sophie had set up a movie evening, hooray! Julie, Jenn and Rachel were coming to watch a movie. I can't watch movies, I am renowned for settling down to watch a great film and waking up as the credits roll. Ordinarily, the thought of having to try and stay awake while a movie plays would have been a nightmare for me, not this time though, I was completely able to stay in my PJs, curl up on that big comfy bed, with Jenn next to me and snooze and snore my way through that silly movie. Real friends.
Sophie has changed even more since we came home, she said last night that she thinks she will stop drinking, that would be great if it happens, if she cuts right down it would do for me, the fact that she wants to continue changing is fantastic. She saw what I wanted her to see, she commented on the acceptance and real friendships she saw and how they differ from any she has had in her life. She wants the real ones now. She has spent a lot of time with Mel since she came home, she is excited to go back to Boston ( without ME!) she is going to spend time with her surrogate mother and my friend and I can let her go without a single worry ( apart from one that she might talk the ears off whoever has the luck to sit next to her on the plane!) I know that Cathy will look after her and keep her in check, sort of, I hope!
I am beyond excited that Julie is planning a trip to England, that she is bringing her family and at last I can see my boys together with her girls, that I can be the welcoming party and the finder of great places to go. Also I won't have to FLY ANYWHERE!
I am trying to talk Cathy into coming too, her husband Brian is keen to come here and I know Cathy is too...but she is the same about flying as I am and she has Matthew who is 3 and who doesn't like going in cars that don't belong to Cathy, a plane ride is a huge thing to face with a little person ( but people do it every day Cathy..you can do it ..you really CAN!)
I am sure that the next Boston meet up will go ahead without me, I will be sad not to be there but I know that I will still be a part of it, I love having such confidence in the friendships I have, such different women, we all have different lives, similar in some ways, poles apart in others but we all have the same ideals, the same principles the same respect for each other.
I love that Sophie became a part of that, she knows now how uplifting and strengthening friendships can be, I love that she sees that true friendship is not demanding, does not drain you, does not expect to dominate you but only helps you. It encourages you to be the best you can be and just lets you be.
It is like a huge weight off my shoulders to see her learning that she does not need to be anything bu herself, that who she is is enough, endearing, lovable.
I am so grateful to my friends for making her feel wonderful, for seeing what I have longed for Sophie to show and bringing it out...she is stronger and happier than I have ever seen her and she is learning that she is perfect as she is.
Thankyou.

Friends.

Julie Bo wrote a poem for Cathy, she said everything I could want to say and better. Especially about the laughing, she can reduce the most stern of people to a heap of incontinent hysteria.
The thing is, Julie is more like Cathy than she knows.
Never have I been so happy to have such friends as these.
I am so blessed to know these women.
These women live by the golden rule and rarely a day goes by without them doing something to touch others' lives.
I love this group of friends, every one, that came together through the internet and somehow, between us, with each having something different to offer we have forged such friendships. I wonder what I did to deserve to be a part of such a group, you know how, when you are at school and there is that popular group, all the 'best girls' and me, well I was always on the outside....not in with the cool ones.
The difference is, this time I am in with the popular girls, right there in the middle with all these great women and this time, the popular girls are that way because they are nice, they are funny and kind and compassionate.
One of the greatest things about getting older is knowing that different things are important, friendships and kindness are at the top of the list and chances to share those things are grabbed and treasured.
We all come from different backgrounds, we all have our tales to tell. We care about each other and it is wonderful to know that whenever needed we can turn to these friends and be heard.
The best thing is that we laugh, honest to goodness belly laughing and we can forget all the day to day woes me may have.
I am so excited for Boston and to show Sophie just what it means to have real friends, the kind that everyone wants to be near, the kind that help you and love you, share who they are with you and keep doing it.
Everyone should have friends like I do..... Thanks girls, see you soon!

Just a snippet...

I am home, all Boston'd out.
You know when you are planning something and you are excited and you imagine how it will be and hope how it will be and DREAM of how it will be...and then it is and well, it can't ever be as good as you imagine?
This was everything I imagined, just to think about it gives me goosebumps, a lump in my throat an ache in my heart.
I am so tired, if I try to post about the weekend now I won't do it justice.
I can honestly say that this has been a life changing event, I will never be the same again. I have learned and understood, felt and held onto, laughed and realised.
I knew I liked these ladies, I knew we would have fun and we did...oh how we did, but I brought home with me much more than the suitcases that were so over the allowed weight, it may take a while for me to get it all straight in my head so that I can write it here, I can barely type my name tonight.
H has cleaned and rebooted and reset everything on my laptop and as yet I don't have a photoshop programme and do I have pictures to share with you? Shall I give you a taster?
Oh alright then....just a snippet.





















You so wish you were there, don't you?

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine ( with some added extras)

I have a blog and I almost forgot because STUFF and LIFE and LAUGHTER.
Can hardly believe it.
Where to start?
Maybe here....
Because, oh my, did we laugh. This is an exercise machine that you stand on, hold onto and then it shakes you, apparantly it makes you feel fabulous and refreshed and a tiny part of me wanted to have a go but look at how much MEls almost not there bottom jiggled and also Sophie's slightly more substantial but perfectly beautiful bits...


and the laughing...



And can you hear Jordan saying " but you're not meant to shake babies?" which is very touching but the baby is fine, he felt perhaps jiggled for 15 seconds and then it was over and all is well.
So sorry that the videos are sideways but I forget that you can't rotate them, oh well, you can get the gist of how we very nearly got thrown out of that lovely shop, we drew crowds because we laughed so loud and so hard for so long.

That baby is so ready to come out, a week, that's all until he is due. I can barely stand the excitement and am perfectly willing to admit that the very thought of meeting this little boy has my eyes watering and I may even have to take a few deep breaths because this baby is so adored and so precious to us, I love being a Nana before I have even seen him or touched him, before I even know his name. If I could I would knit tiny cardigans and booties, I would crochet blankets just so he would know how much I love him. So I could physically prove that, material evidence that Nana adores him. I have so much time as a Nana, no room to ready, no bags to pack, no nappies to buy or worries to nurse.
Just pure, unadulterated joy and anticipation.

I could share this...


and this

Of this little boy who is nearly 7. Who 3 years ago couldn't say a word, who hid and was afraid of so many things. Who now is passionate about Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis, every day, at some stage, he dresses like this and he sings, with so much passion and intensity. I want so much to tape him singing "Jenny Jenny" by little Richard. He won't let me because he says I will show people and he hates people looking at him. It is quite the most unbelievably touching thing.
*He sat next to H the other day, with eyes like saucers and earphones in, and he was shaking...he said " Oh..OH! This is GREAT, was just listening to this by the Beatles but they were rubbish compared to THIS...this is so GREAT!" ( Little Richard, Johnny be Good")* ( forgot that little nugget when I first wrote this)




He tries so hard to keep up and he does a splendid job, he never misses a "ooooooh!"
'Jenny jenny won't you come along OOOOOH, spinninspinninglikeaspinnin' top....OOOOOOOH!

He is my heart boy, completely fills my heart every single day. I wouldn't change a thing about this boy. I wonder if he has any idea how glorious he is.
Clothes are so important to him, I can't quite grasp how his mind works about clothes, his day is only 'right' when his clothes are right, there are times when I could scream with frustration because it all has to be exactly right, he cannot simply put on what is ready and in fact I have nothing more to do with his getting dressed other than doing the laundry. He knows where his clothes are, he knows what he needs to wear, he has them lined up ready, when he is ready for bed his next day clothes will be where he wants them to be, when he is dressed his night time clothes will be where he can find them. He never loses his shoes, he always knows where his things are, it matters to him. ( And it is quite the most glorious thing, unless I screw up, unless I forget something is washed but not dried, unless he can't find what he had ready and I moved because it needed to be washed and would have been washed and dried and put back, if that happens, the sky falls in. Loudly)
New clothes are an issue, sometimes I see something and know he will love it...and he won't even look at it because I didn't notice, before buying something that he sees immediately and cannot live with, a zip with a pull that is too wide, for instance, stitching that is insulting to the eye. I do not buy Isaac clothes now unless he is with me, short sleeved shirts that button up? Yegads! What was I thinking? We shop, I pick up, he glances for less than a second and he either nods or he turns away. If he nods I ask " Yes?" and he will answer "yes", then I say " Will you wear it?" and he will say " yes" and then I buy 2. Sometimes he will say yes to it and then when I ask if he will wear it he will say " no" and he always has a very specific reason for not wanting to wear it.
Life is so much easier now he speaks! He has great taste, he likes microfibre and silk, he likes colours that he looks great in ( although I have yet to see any colour he doesn't look great in)He takes great care of his clothes and great pride in how he looks, as does Elijah ( although his taste is not quite up to par, ) Seth? HE oculd acre less, if it has something to do with basketball he likes it, he will wear black and red Nike pants with a green basketball vest and a blue and yellow NBA jacket, oh and throw on a bright green baseball cap to finish it off, I say he doesn't care but once he is dressed he then cares, because he is NOT about to waste anymore time getting changed, this is it, he's wearing it, life to live and all that and does anyone have anything to say about that?

Oh, I could tell you more about Boston, the trip that is a mere 5 weeks away now. I was excited from the beginning about this trip but as each day passes I get more and more anxious for the time to come. There have been almost daily chats between the 'trippers' Yahoo is my friend, because of these online gaggle sessions I know these glorious women so much better, with webcams thrown into the mix I feel that there is little left to discover, I could not love these women more, I have seen and heard them, laughed with them, seen their delicious children, heard those little voices, been into homes and invited them into mine and feel as though I belong.
Every woman should have friends like these, I have felt my spirits left over the past few weeks because so much laughter, so many evenings of cameraderie and discovering who is who, some upfront and extrovert, others happy to be in the background soaking in the atmosphere, some in fact all, gentle and compassionate. Some so quick that you are left reeling by how fast that wit is there, in your face and making you guffaw and splutter. All generous to a fault and longing to share, in person the things that will bring to Boston.
There will be a feast of sickening proportions on the friday,we may have to find a shelter and donate because everyone is bringing their favourite treats. 12 women all bringing treats knowing there will be 12 women? There will be much.

The list could go on and on but I will end it here purely because tomorrow, I may have nothing to say and so shall carry on where I left off as if that is exactly what I planned on doing anyway.
I like laughing, can there ever be enough of it? Not in my book and I am pretty certain that so much of it in my life lately is making me well, after a long time of being poorly. Great medicine and so easy to swallow.
* Oh and my sister called to tell me thi story, because we are a whole family of wheezing laughers.
She took her THREE dogs for a walk in a lovely doggy walking park, riverside country place. A responsible dog owner she picks up the poop ( thankyou Julie for that, I may never have a dog because I cannot even acknowledge they poop, never mind walk behind them, picking it up and swinging the bag until an available poo bin is found) She also has a natty new mobile phone, tiny and sleek, her way I suspect of hanging onto her youth, instead of a sports car because a) she can't afford a sports car and b) she wouldn't get 3 cocker spaniels into a sports car, or her grandchildren, so teeny phone it is then.
"hmmmm, she mused, " what to do with expensive and very tiny new phone, large roomy pocket in pants will lose it, everything falls out of pocket ...would hate to lose this phone, darn, what to do, must have 2 free hands for dog pooh picking up duties. AHA! Boots! Great idea, shall tuck phone in boot, problem solved." So she did.
Off she went, tra la la, lovely weather, pleasant walk, happy dpgs, time to leave..will call Berian let him know she is on the way home....OH NO!! Phone is GONE, KNEW would lose phone, darn baggy pants, what was she thinking?? was searching everywhere she had been, no phone, one kind fellow dog walker, helped her search under benches, behind trees, along paths, nothing, nowhere, was lost.
"Do you have a phone with you by the way?" said Julie.
"Why yes I do", said kind lady, " should I ring your phone and we will see if we hear it?!
So she did and wouldn't you know? A distant ring...HOORAH! They set off in direction of ring, heads down and ears to the ground, so NEAR..and can you believe they spent a looong time following that ring, saying things like " it IS here somewhere.. listen!" and " I think we are REALLY close!" before Julie, who is 49 but so not senile ( much) remembered she had the darn thing in her boot, I would have paid good money or given chocolate to have seen her face when she remembered and had to tell that lady who had given up her quiet time in the park to help look for that phone, that was never lost, and I might even have lost a little of my iron bladder control if I had been able to be there when she told. My family are nearly as funny as my friends and I didn't even have to choose them, how lucky can some people be?? *

It's raining, it's pouring.....

Which is not unusual for England, let's face it. I do wish it was....OK forget that whole subject which was going to be all about camping and not camping and rain. Dull.
New thought.
Just as I started to write I got an IM window pop up, was Cathy in Boston, everything stops when we IM because we laugh a lot and laughing is so good for the soul, so I forgot blogging and we said hello and then, THEN...I saw a window and there was Cathy and the divine Matthew in real moving pictures and all but I couldn't hear them which was a bit sad but still marvellous!
Suddenly and who knows how...my computer started to RING, just like a phone, an old fashioned English phone, ring ring, ring ring...what on earth? What is that? Where is that coming from and then I heard CATHY~.."huh???" I could hear her and see her all at the same time ( and am so glad that it wasn't 2 way because it was 11pm and I am in my PJS having had a bath and then a splendid nap, my hair is in a top know so it didn't get wet and I never got around to taking it down..) I can't tell you how exciting it was, so loud and clear and I heard Matthew who is 2 call his mommy Caffee and Honey and daddy is DADDY and BWIAN.
I could tell you that Brian gave me the finger because he thought I was someone else....and I heard him say sorry in a sincere and quite voice.
I heard Cathy laughing and watched Matthew run and play, I saw the TV which is big and lovely and also bwoken by Matchew
I am endlessly amazed by technology, still marvel at wireless phones and email, still open mouthed and slack jawed about cell phones, such tiny little things and they work and you can talk to people so far away and no WIRES!
It's 6 weeks until we go to Boston, 6 weeks, the time is going so fast, I am so excited and when something like that happens, when I see and hear and get just a glimpse of how things will be when we all meet up, I am almost giddy with excitement. I forget that I haven't met any of these women in person yet, which just goes to show what great friendships we have and when we meet, well look out Boston, you might not know what hit you.
The plan, I think is to set up a webcam on the friday night when we have our 'party' so many can't make it to the meetup and for many different reasons, we hope to set up a webcam so that those who couldn't make it can join in and watch the shinanigans, after this evening I can see how much fun that would be!
I feel lately, that life is full of wonder. I am aware, more and more that we have little control over the grand scheme of things, that we do what we need to do, some of what we want to do and a whole lot of what we have to do, the rest just happens. I don't believe it happens willy nilly though. I am a believer of our lives being mapped out. I also believe that people come into our lives when we need them, sometimes we recognise that and we grasp onto that, other times we may miss those people who could be important to us and the chance is gone.
I really feel that the people in my life are treasures. I have so many friends and good people around me, sincere and exceptionally kind people. I have never been one for light acquaintance, if I like you I love you, for ever usually. If you lie to me or treat me as if I am stupid, you will get to do it once and then even if I get over it and forgive you, you can pretty much expect that the friendship will be over.
It takes a lot to make me stop loving someone and many of my friends have been my friends since I was a whippersnapper. I think I am incredibly clever in that I make friends with remarkable and extraordinary people, the best thing is that I don't recall ever having to DO anything to make these friends, there they were and we just knew that this was a good thing, nothing more than that.
I tell my friends things I don't share with H, not because I am secretive but more because bless his heart,he would rather poke his eyes out with a rusty fork than listen to some of the drivel that is of utmost import to me. I can talk about nothing for the longest time ( and yes, so can Sophie but oh so much better than me!) I can talk about emotions and feelings, memories and nonsense, H can only enjoy so much of that, he is a man after all.
There have been times when I had to deal with huge issues on my own, which was hard, but necessary. Lately I am able to say that I don't have to keep anything inside, if I do, it is because I choose to, not because there is nowhere to turn.
I am having more fun than I can ever remember. More honest to goodness fun, which has been a long time coming.
So, really, it maybe raining and even pouring out there but it's a happy smiley, sunny place in my heart. For that I am truly grateful.
Oh and Matchew has to be the most divine 2 year old with a Boston accent I ever saw or heard. You should hear him call his cat 'Murphy'. Priceless.

Bring it on.

It is all good. This friends business? I love it. How do people function without friends? I couldn't and I am so lucky I have never had to, ever.
I've had such great friends, I still have great friends. I think, if all my best friends were all in a room together, they would all like each other too.
I love irreverence. Potty humour? Cracks me up, every time. I love people that can laugh at themselves, without that, I probably won't get too close to you. I laugh at people who know how to let go and laugh, at things that are not supposed to be funny, I have laughed at things that others think tragic because there has been so much tragedy, in many periods of my life if I didn't laugh, I'd have sunk.
In preparation for our trip to Boston, we have been having some IM chats, as a group, I avoid IMing usually because for some reason any IM programme messes up my computer and then, even though I love to chat, I get so stressed when someone IMs me if I am trying to do something else, I like to pretend to be able to multi task but online, I'm a one at a time girl.
I did find my unused Yahoo chat thing and restarted it and I am so glad I did that.
I have laughed, genuinely laughed, from my very soul these past few days, a taster of what is to come.
I am beginning to see who these other people are, beginning to feel how the few days in Boston will be. I think I can see who will be in the forefront and who will enjoy watching more.
I know that this trip is something that I need. I have years of fun waiting to get out. I have years of sadness that needs washing away, putting where it belongs and this trip to Boston will do so much of that. Before Boston I have a trip with H, almost forgotten, our few days in London that Dan set up for us, tickets in my purse, rooms all booked, Lion King seats with our names on, everything set and just 2 1/2 weeks until we go. H and I forget each other too often. Both so deeply in tune with these little boys that need so much of our time and energy, both unwilling to admit that good heavens, being 45 and 48 with little boys of 4, 6 and 7 is really pretty tough, we give our all to make sure the gitlets have what they need and when they go to bed, we slump.
From the very first day of our marriage H and I have had our heads down and our shoulders to the wheel. We have battled and won some huge issues and we are now enjoying a wonderful time of breathing and taking in, the trouble is, we haven't yet learned what to do about us. Me and Him and he and I, us. Just us. Tum de dum.
I enjoy pretty much everything about H, I adore him. I love his beautiful face ( and when he hears me say that he will always say " In the most masculine way of course")
I am infuriated by his youthful, tight body ( not a wrinkle or saggy bit to be found darn him)
I am touched by his attention to every detail where his youngest sons are concerned and I am worried by his switching off as regards to his oldest son. He appears to not think about this boy that has more problems than I can list, I know that isn't the case and I assume that he has done what his mind always does in cases that he has no control over and it has switched off, tuned out.
When we saw Rob in December it was the saddest time, the most shocking sight.
Rob has driven me to distraction more times than I can count, undiagnosed until last year, he is now diagnosed as Autistic ( and since Isaac and Seth were diagnosed it became so clear to us that Rob too had the same issues, no-one would hear us when we said that but eventually it was diagnosed at the same time as his paranoid schizophrenia. this is a sad and helpless young man who will probably never be independent or it would seem, happy. Gone forever that spunky, in your face unbeatable kid that would bounce back from every effort to contain him, teach him, reason with him. When I think of how I feel about Sophie, I can only begin to imagine how H must feel about Rob who has damaged himself beyond repair and added to that had issues undiagnosed for so long. I wish I were able to switch off often, people with asperger's and any kind of autism are able to switch off what worries them, they are, in fact unable NOT to switch off.
Meet someone you don't like? OFF...ignore, turn away from, don't speak to. That's tough when you're married to someone who appears beyond clever, who is functioning as a regular person and suddenly,you can look him right in the face and speak...he looks right through you. You can ask the same question over and over again....nothing. Before I knew about H and asperger's, there were times I could have used a baseball bat on his head for being so bloody rude. Now I see it and I get what is happening, it is still difficult and I have learned how to deal with it between ourselves ( I am one for a good fight, if you're mad? Let me have it, I'll get over it and even enjoy the fight because it is SO fabulous to clear the air) You cannot argue with anyone that has even the lightest dusting of autism....give in, you'll never win, these people can hold onto an opinion for years!
Someone handing you a problem? What problem? What?
Emotions? Agh...must I? say what? What IS that you talk of???
So, the list can go on but I won't do that to you, the point here is, H and I live an extraordinary life that works for us, who knows how, it just does. I love him ( as long as I don't keep saying it because I said it already and he believed me, why must I keep saying the same thing over and over? Enough now.)
I could yearn for fun and spontaneous acts of adoration...but it would get me nowhere but disappointed, what I need to do and am just beginning to understand that I must do, is to do that with friends. H can't do it. It hurts him to just get up and go out and do whatever comes along as much as it hurts Isaac to have to speak to someone he doesn't know, as much as it hurts Seth to even think about watching a musical.
I used to think that if I left H at home while I went out to whoop it up and get aching belly muscles ( does my belly HAVE any muscles, wow) If I up and went and laughed and enjoyed while he is at home, doing what he does, every day at the same time, in the same order...well how MEAN, how AWFUL. The fact that it has taken me so many years to grasp that H positively heaves a sigh of relief when I leave him and go and have fun, well DUH.
When I go and do and then I come home.....he is so happy to see me, he is thrilled that I had a great time, he gets that this is important to me and is delirious ( no, he isn't that word is SO not H, he wouldn't know how to do delirious, not even for a moment, not even to please me.) but anyway, this is a good thing.
We do need though, to learn how to have fun together as well. There are things that we both enjoy and London is one of them. I am looking forward to 2 nights and 3 days with this man of mine, to seeing him light up at the things that he loves, when he is stress free he is so funny, his quick wit is exactly the kind of humour that I adore, Seth has it too, sometimes it's almost cutting but they both manage not to hurt with the witty comments and perfectly timed one liners.
The relationship H and I have is so splendidly old fashioned, so rare these days as far as I can see. Just right for me and for him too.
The friendships I have though? Priceless to me. Life savers all.
Some are old and some are so new, but each as valuable as the next.
The chats and some of the emails that have been flying to and fro the last few days have lifted my spirits immeasurably, I have snorted, guffawed, tittered, gasped, hooted and wiped endless tears of mirth and I have loved every one of them. I'd write a cast list but I know I would forget someone and that would be dreadful, so unnamed for now....you know who you are though you band of irreverent and shameless floozies. Can't wait til we meet up and show Boston what life is all about. Bring it on.

Friends.

How do people manage without friends I wonder? H doesn't really have friends, well he actually doesn't have friends. He did have great friends as he grew up, he still is fond of those people he just doesn't need to have friends the way I do.
I am a loyal and unfickle person. When I like you, I like you. It might take a while for me to like you but once I do, it's almost impossible to stop me liking you.
I even have fond feelings for the first one. I loved him, it went terribly wrong and he has proven to be a huge disappointment to me and my children, but still, there's a little bit of me that finds him endearing, enough that my littlest finger nail could be painted with it but not much more.
I remember my very first friend in my world, Judith F. We loved each other when we were 7, we lived a few doors away from each other and had to spend every waking moment together and at weekends we stayed at each others' homes. I felt a bit posh when I stayed at her house because at her house, her mum made us breakfast and we just sat there and ate buttered toast, by the fire. In our house you got your own breakfast for heavens sake.....Judith F had bright red hot pants with a butterfly on one leg and her mum bought all her shoes from the Co-op because you got green shield stamps. Judith was the only girl with 2 brothers who were SO OLD and one was in the merchant navy and the other was in the army, the brother in the army was killed by the I.R.A.
Judith's mum never got over that, well you wouldn't would you.
I am like Judith's mum because I would look at her and think that she was more like a Nana than a mum because she had these grown up, hugely tall men kids that would laugh at her if she scolded them. I wonder if my little boys friends look at us the way I looked at Judith's mum.
When I was 10 we moved away and I never saw Judith again but if I saw her now I would still love her and ask how her how she managed without me, I didn't manage without Judith very well for quite a long time.
After Judith, when we moved, Teresa was my friend and her mum used to work full time and had a boyfriend called Norman, I couldn't imagine that, a mum with a boyfriend for heavens sake, that's why, when the first one left me I didn't date or see anyone or even look up if a man was within 30 ft of me because I hated the thought of my kids having a mum with a boyfriend, it just isn't on is it? I met H online and then married him. Very good, avoided the whole 'my mum's got a boyfriend' thing.
Norman tried to teach Theresa and I how to french kiss when we were 10.
OH MY GOOD GRIEF! I ran away and always asked if Norman was in before I would go into her house after that. They moved away and I never knew where they went.
I wonder if Norman taught Theresa anything else, now I am grown up and know about creeps like that I should rather like to meet up with Norman and teach him a thing or two, with a mallet and some rusty nails.
Janet H was my really very best friend when I went to grammar school, her whole bedroom ( that she had all to herself!!) was bright orange. Almost fluorescent orange, with nylon sheets and bedspread and if you sat on Janet 's bed, you slid off, quite quickly.
When I was nursing, Mandy and Julia were my friends. Mandy was a bit wicked and terribly worldly wise ( such a tart Mandy!) Julia was so painfully sensible she made me brain ache. She saved and studied and planned and she so stuck to her plans. We shared a flat, Julia, Mandy and I.
We lived above a spinster whose name began with M, why can't I remember her name? Mildred,
Muriel, Mavis, Mathilda, none of those but it began with M and she lived with her spaniel and memories of days that went before. We pitied Miss M, wondering how she could bear such a lonely existence but now I look back and think she may have been quite happy.
I am still friends with Mandy, who is still friends with Julia. I have always been friends with Mandy and never lost touch, somehow I did lose touch with Julia who has MS and lives with great dignity and strength, so Mandy tells me. I wonder if Julia looks back to when she was fit and well and wishes she hadn't planned and saved and been so sensible back in the day.
There have been many other friends along the way , you'd all die of boredom if I listed every one, but there have been so many people who mattered, who made their mark and who, even with my fluffy brain, I remember.
When I married the first one and we lived the army life, I made a friend that in a rare way for military life, is still my friend, I lost touch with her for too many years and no matter what I tried I couldn't find her. Until this week, thankyou Facebook. I searched for Julie's daughter, having not seen her since she was 2 years old, now 22...there she was, with that same face I adored when it was like a tiny pixie face, with an upturned nose and her bright eyes, dark shiny hair. I sent a message and I got one back saying that she was indeed THE Alex, she gave me her mum's phone numbers and her email address, I couldn't get the email addie to work so, braver than brave ( could she hear how fat I am now?) I called her, after so many many years, as soon as I said "Hello, is that Julie? " and she said " Oh my........" It was as though we had been living next door forever. Some people just do that to you don't they? We did the whistley laugh thing as we remembered times past, she hasn't changed and I saw that I am still me too, no matter what has passed in all those years, I am still me.
Marilyn was a life saver when I lived at grandpa's house, she moved in next door right before I moved away but even in that short time, we knew we were friends and I know I will always be friends with her, the older you get, the more precious your friends are and you don't let them go. Not if you are wise.
In more recent years a new trend has begun, people are making friends without ever meeting. Imagine that. People are meeting through their computers and somehow, in the most extraordinary way, forget that they haven't met and just throw themselves whole heartedly into the most rewarding and lifelong friendships.
I have done that. Through this blog and a website called Babyzone, I have made the most incredible friends, I forget that I haven't met them and when I remember it couldn't matter less.
You have to be careful online because there are some truly weird people out there. Bad people and mad people.
A while ago I was almost taken in, I gave out more information that was wise and ignoring that little voice that kept telling me to hold back, to not believe this time, I got careless. Eventually the little voice won and I spoke my mind, let the doubts free and hell's fury was unleashed for a while. I learned my lesson and won't be ignoring instincts again in a hurry.
I have some real life friends right here where I live, I'm not going to name them because they know who they are and they know I love them. They take me as I am, happy, sad, forgetful, excited, no matter, they are my real friends.
I have some truly wonderful friends online too, so many but a few are particularly special, it is looking as though, at last, we can meet up in the summer. For real. I am almost giddy with the idea. We laugh so much online, we email and send messages and we go to BZ way too often, we know more about each other and our lives, we have spoken on the phone and I am completely sure that when we meet ( In New York of all places!) it will be as though we have known each other forever and there will be such laughter and tears that we will remember it forever.
I'm not always convinced that progress is always a good thing, technology has spoiled so many things, taken away many freedoms from us and our children ( darn play stations and Cell phones, where are all the kids playing hopscotch and building dens?) but the computer? I really believe it has given many people lives beyond their own front doors.
So many people who in real life are shy, or afraid can go anywhere in the world and meet people.
They say money makes the world go 'round, well I'm sure that it helps, we would be stuck without it and I am always miserable when I am lacking it, but it's love ( here we go, cheese alert!) that makes the world go 'round and friendship, to me is what makes my life worth living.
I truly believe that I am blessed with the friends that I have had, the ones I still have and even the ones I will have. Thankyou.

And sometimes, you can even have jam on it.

Is that a world wide saying? You know, when things are pretty good and you want a bit more, someone will say " yeah, you just want jam on it don't you?"
Well, my mum says it all the time, so I do too because I like my mum's sayings and that one is a favourite of mine.
Right now, we're getting jam on it and it is pretty sweet.
Posh house, in 3 weeks we will be in it and stroking the kitchen worktops and opening patio doors. That is exciting.
Today Jordan and I went to visit my friend, Mandy...we were flat mates and work mates and have known each other since we were sylph like, tight skinned, child free, young flippertigibbets. Long story short she said she had some furniture that maybe he could use stored in barn, so just he and I had a lovely drive through very windy country lanes ( and so many of them dear heaven, are we ever going to get there?) and we got to Mandy and Andy's divine cottage in deepest Devon. ( I think but it could actually have been in a whole other country, never mind county, because it really took a long time to get there although it isn't too many miles away ...62 to be exact)
So ,we visited and marvelled about how Jordan was 12 last time she saw him and look how tall he is now, lanky git. We looked out of teeny quaint windows and saw fields and breathed the freshest air in the world.
We looked at pictures and gave up on the internet because, deep in the Devonshire country there is only dial up and it's just like life itself in the countryside, slow and not hurried and perhaps we won't even connect at all because you could look at a tree or little hedgerow creature, get out and enjoy the glory of nature and get off the damn computer, yes, it's like that is countryside dial up my 'ansome.
Then Andy came home and he is quite as splendid as Mandy has told me and off we joggled to the barn up the lane a bit over the potholes and by the cows. Underneath that tarpaulin lay such treasures as to make me giddy. The most glorious table and chairs that I felt sure I would be able to talk Jordan out of needing because I WANT JAM ON IT and they would look SO perfect in MY house ( check..too bg for his flat, perfect for my new house)
He nabbed a futon because he still doesn't have anything to sit on in his front room and just as we were going Andy said, " Trampoline, don't suppose you want a trampoline do you?"
YES YES I DO , we NEEEEEEED one, 3 boys in big garden on trampoline for hours, Oh YES! So we have a 13ft trampoline ( and will buy an enclosure because as much as the idea is sort of appealing at times, I don't want the gits to jump too high and catapault over the fence into the bull field.) The trampoline belongs to Andy's daughter who is moving out herself on monday, so we agreed a price and we are now excited owners of a big blue bouncing machine. Jam on it.
I have to say that the English way of giving directions is the best, don't expect them to actually get you where you need to go but do look forward to being entertained, we still continue to ask people how to get there but honestly, I am pretty certain that when we do arrive at the place we intended to travel to, it's a happy accident.
Mandy gave me directions to get there,
"Head for Holsworthy but you don't want to actually go there, if you get to Holsworthy, don't worry, you can turn around and come back"
" You'll come to a really BIG hill, REALLY big, it's called something bridge" ( we never did get to any big hills)
When we were leaving Andy said
"we'll turn right and you turn left, you'll come to a crossroads, turning left will take you to Holsworthy"
" But we don't want to go there"
"Don't turn left then"
See? How great is that?
People will honestly and truly say things like
" Turn left, right? If you get to the Pig and Whistle, you've gone too far, turn around and go back"
Everything is marked by pubs..... look for the Horse and Hound, turn left...keep going til you pass the King's head.......no kidding, H gets as lost as me, no-one NO-ONE ever says NORTH or SOUTH, try it and watch the look of complete puzzlement. ...huh???
Today was a great day, I needed it because I have been finding it hard to breathe lately, my chest hurts and I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack, going out today and leaving everything behind made me forget I couldn't breathe and my chest hasn't hurt a bit......darned old panic attacks again, thank goodness.
Thank Heavens for days with jam on it. Sweet that's what they are.