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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Bring it on.

It is all good. This friends business? I love it. How do people function without friends? I couldn't and I am so lucky I have never had to, ever.
I've had such great friends, I still have great friends. I think, if all my best friends were all in a room together, they would all like each other too.
I love irreverence. Potty humour? Cracks me up, every time. I love people that can laugh at themselves, without that, I probably won't get too close to you. I laugh at people who know how to let go and laugh, at things that are not supposed to be funny, I have laughed at things that others think tragic because there has been so much tragedy, in many periods of my life if I didn't laugh, I'd have sunk.
In preparation for our trip to Boston, we have been having some IM chats, as a group, I avoid IMing usually because for some reason any IM programme messes up my computer and then, even though I love to chat, I get so stressed when someone IMs me if I am trying to do something else, I like to pretend to be able to multi task but online, I'm a one at a time girl.
I did find my unused Yahoo chat thing and restarted it and I am so glad I did that.
I have laughed, genuinely laughed, from my very soul these past few days, a taster of what is to come.
I am beginning to see who these other people are, beginning to feel how the few days in Boston will be. I think I can see who will be in the forefront and who will enjoy watching more.
I know that this trip is something that I need. I have years of fun waiting to get out. I have years of sadness that needs washing away, putting where it belongs and this trip to Boston will do so much of that. Before Boston I have a trip with H, almost forgotten, our few days in London that Dan set up for us, tickets in my purse, rooms all booked, Lion King seats with our names on, everything set and just 2 1/2 weeks until we go. H and I forget each other too often. Both so deeply in tune with these little boys that need so much of our time and energy, both unwilling to admit that good heavens, being 45 and 48 with little boys of 4, 6 and 7 is really pretty tough, we give our all to make sure the gitlets have what they need and when they go to bed, we slump.
From the very first day of our marriage H and I have had our heads down and our shoulders to the wheel. We have battled and won some huge issues and we are now enjoying a wonderful time of breathing and taking in, the trouble is, we haven't yet learned what to do about us. Me and Him and he and I, us. Just us. Tum de dum.
I enjoy pretty much everything about H, I adore him. I love his beautiful face ( and when he hears me say that he will always say " In the most masculine way of course")
I am infuriated by his youthful, tight body ( not a wrinkle or saggy bit to be found darn him)
I am touched by his attention to every detail where his youngest sons are concerned and I am worried by his switching off as regards to his oldest son. He appears to not think about this boy that has more problems than I can list, I know that isn't the case and I assume that he has done what his mind always does in cases that he has no control over and it has switched off, tuned out.
When we saw Rob in December it was the saddest time, the most shocking sight.
Rob has driven me to distraction more times than I can count, undiagnosed until last year, he is now diagnosed as Autistic ( and since Isaac and Seth were diagnosed it became so clear to us that Rob too had the same issues, no-one would hear us when we said that but eventually it was diagnosed at the same time as his paranoid schizophrenia. this is a sad and helpless young man who will probably never be independent or it would seem, happy. Gone forever that spunky, in your face unbeatable kid that would bounce back from every effort to contain him, teach him, reason with him. When I think of how I feel about Sophie, I can only begin to imagine how H must feel about Rob who has damaged himself beyond repair and added to that had issues undiagnosed for so long. I wish I were able to switch off often, people with asperger's and any kind of autism are able to switch off what worries them, they are, in fact unable NOT to switch off.
Meet someone you don't like? OFF...ignore, turn away from, don't speak to. That's tough when you're married to someone who appears beyond clever, who is functioning as a regular person and suddenly,you can look him right in the face and speak...he looks right through you. You can ask the same question over and over again....nothing. Before I knew about H and asperger's, there were times I could have used a baseball bat on his head for being so bloody rude. Now I see it and I get what is happening, it is still difficult and I have learned how to deal with it between ourselves ( I am one for a good fight, if you're mad? Let me have it, I'll get over it and even enjoy the fight because it is SO fabulous to clear the air) You cannot argue with anyone that has even the lightest dusting of autism....give in, you'll never win, these people can hold onto an opinion for years!
Someone handing you a problem? What problem? What?
Emotions? Agh...must I? say what? What IS that you talk of???
So, the list can go on but I won't do that to you, the point here is, H and I live an extraordinary life that works for us, who knows how, it just does. I love him ( as long as I don't keep saying it because I said it already and he believed me, why must I keep saying the same thing over and over? Enough now.)
I could yearn for fun and spontaneous acts of adoration...but it would get me nowhere but disappointed, what I need to do and am just beginning to understand that I must do, is to do that with friends. H can't do it. It hurts him to just get up and go out and do whatever comes along as much as it hurts Isaac to have to speak to someone he doesn't know, as much as it hurts Seth to even think about watching a musical.
I used to think that if I left H at home while I went out to whoop it up and get aching belly muscles ( does my belly HAVE any muscles, wow) If I up and went and laughed and enjoyed while he is at home, doing what he does, every day at the same time, in the same order...well how MEAN, how AWFUL. The fact that it has taken me so many years to grasp that H positively heaves a sigh of relief when I leave him and go and have fun, well DUH.
When I go and do and then I come home.....he is so happy to see me, he is thrilled that I had a great time, he gets that this is important to me and is delirious ( no, he isn't that word is SO not H, he wouldn't know how to do delirious, not even for a moment, not even to please me.) but anyway, this is a good thing.
We do need though, to learn how to have fun together as well. There are things that we both enjoy and London is one of them. I am looking forward to 2 nights and 3 days with this man of mine, to seeing him light up at the things that he loves, when he is stress free he is so funny, his quick wit is exactly the kind of humour that I adore, Seth has it too, sometimes it's almost cutting but they both manage not to hurt with the witty comments and perfectly timed one liners.
The relationship H and I have is so splendidly old fashioned, so rare these days as far as I can see. Just right for me and for him too.
The friendships I have though? Priceless to me. Life savers all.
Some are old and some are so new, but each as valuable as the next.
The chats and some of the emails that have been flying to and fro the last few days have lifted my spirits immeasurably, I have snorted, guffawed, tittered, gasped, hooted and wiped endless tears of mirth and I have loved every one of them. I'd write a cast list but I know I would forget someone and that would be dreadful, so unnamed for now....you know who you are though you band of irreverent and shameless floozies. Can't wait til we meet up and show Boston what life is all about. Bring it on.

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7 Comments:

Blogger G said...

Boston is going to be amazing. It is truly a beautiful testimony that you wrote and I feel the same way.

H is lucky to have you and you him. You sound wonderful together and for sure make GORGEOUS little boys.

1:14 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

I will be so jealous not getting to go to Boston. The one good thing is, I will have you to tell me all about what I missed.

10:40 am  
Blogger Rachel said...

I feel just the same way, Helen. I just wish it wasn't still so far away!

12:46 pm  
Blogger sarah said...

enjoy your trip to boston. you deserve to have fun.....

1:16 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

I have to be jealous too. Oh well, I will enjoy hearing about your lovely trip. :)

It sounds like you will have a wonderful time!

1:18 pm  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

Huzzah! We will have such fun! And go to Target and Taco Bell!!!

2:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it June yet?

You have been responsible for many emails that made me laugh and snort!

Hugs
Cathy aka Aphro

3:23 am  

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