So much to learn....

She's lovely isn't she? She's doing alright this week and the only reason I can think of is because she has had me, every minute she's wanted me. Imagine that. She has tried to have me AND stuff because any self respecting teenager would try that, maybe not once they are 19 but she has issues and amongst those issues is a belief that she has had less than anyone else.
I see that actually, she has. Not less stuff, in fact she has always somehow managed to get more at Christmas and birthdays because girls, to me, are so much easier to buy for, more fun to shop for.....she is so satisfying to buy for because she just loves it all. All my boys have been so particular, they either love it, or they don't. No point buying the latest trend for my boys because the chances are they won't care for it, we did Ghost busters briefly with the big boys, power rangers with the little ones, apart from that it was and is a case of what they love. Lego, drawing, basketball and Dan was desperate for a talking robot one year.
Sophie, if it's pink, fluffy, on the TV, make up related, high heeled, Disney, Beanie, girlie, she'll like it. SO she's had stuff and more stuff and with bells on it stuff.
She has had my time and my soul, my attention and my every last nerve, I realised today that she has never had my fun.
I haven't ever seen, or noticed that Sophie has a sense of humour, so busy have we been trying to vie for what we thought we wanted ( her my adoration / whatever she thought the boys had that she didn't. Me...a break, just a moment where she wasn't trying so hard to snap me in two)
This week I have refused to give in to that wall that tries to erect itself in front of my face whenever Sophie is around. I sound so hard, saying this about my child, but years and years of being sworn at, disobeyed, ignored, disrespected have taken their toll, I have never stopped loving her but I think I stopped being able to show it a long time ago. This week, having seen that pretty much all of Sophie's anger, her raging, her in your face to hell with you attitude is all a facade, it is all covering up how sad she is. I wonder how much of the past years we could have avoided if I had seen what she was doing before now.
When she left yesterday, I told her to be here at 8.45 so she could come to Plymouth with me. She was here at 8am....she doesn't do mornings well at all but she did this one, bright and early and ready to go.
We did go and she was a delight. I enjoyed her today, really enjoyed her, didn't look at my watch once, we took Seth to his basketball camp and we had 6 hours to kill, the gear box or clutch has gone on my car, no 1st gear...2nd gear is a bugger to get but at least it will go into 2nd and the rest? Forget it...so we had to wait for Seth as we are 40 miles away from basketball heaven ( or not, more on that later) no way I could dive home and back again. I had to be sure not to spend too much money because LONDON and BOSTON and now CAR! So we parked up, walked through town and bought magazines, had lunch and we pretty much sat in the car and we laughed, honest to goodness, teary eyed laughing..me and the girl. Glorious. I wish I could tell you what we laughed at but in writing..it so wouldn't be funny in fact we would put ourselves in a very poor light!
We tried on sunglasses....seems like a little thing but Sophie and I haven't done any little things since she was 9 or 10, we went from having fun and loving being with each other to all out war, pretty much overnight.



Her joy at this tentative and new relationship makes it easy to carry on, I feel shame that it seems this easy, and then I remind myself that this is happening now because she has made so many changes. The angry Sophie made fun impossible, the sad and broken Sophie makes it imperative and easy, it is something that she needs and something I can see she wants...so it's easy to give. I don't know any human being that could give affection and attention ( of the right kind) to someone who was resisting every effort.
I think when I saw how she behaved when her dad came to visit...the one person that she has longed to have love her, when I saw her snarl and swear and then hide

I began to see just how sad she is, behind all that rage. Getting just that glimpse has made it not only easy but natural to just love her, forget she is 19, forget she has been a little cow for 10 years or more, just love her.
And I do, really I do. Not just that fierce, must protect her love, I've always felt that. This new love, the brand new love, is easy and natural and it is, well it just is.
She hasn't changed overnight but I think I have. She still doesn't know when to stop and today I still had to speak to her as though she were 10, she left to go back to the house she is staying at...2 hours later she was back here and I had to tell her that I was ready to relax and unwind and that she was expected back at the other house so she should go back and do the chores they had asked her to do..... and she went, without fighting. We are both learning.

Seth went to basketball camp......

Look at that little bloke, he just loves it,


He gets that ball in there much more often than he misses...he's sort of little though, isn't he?
Well take a look at this....the other kids at camp.


Could he be any littler than those big kids? Oh for the sake of all things touching to a mother's heart.



He did 6 hours and was about ready to drop when I picked him up, the trouble is, he doesn't want to go tomorrow. Because he is that little, no-one passes him the ball...because they are all so huge they can block him when he does get the ball..that isn't too much fun when you're 7.
It sort of feels like


Yes, like that.
We're waiting til the morning, maybe he was so tired he couldn't think past how tired he was and I hate to think he will let Billy down if he doesn't go but this is supposed to be fun, it wasn't fun. He's 7. I don't know, maybe tomorrow will show us what to do.
This whole parenting gig is one big lesson that never ends.