Hair today...gone tomorrow.

I had my hair cut today, it was time. Over a year since I walked through a hairdressers door, my hair was like a sheep's fleece. I think it frightened H. Sometimes I could feel he would love to stroke my hair and lovingly caress me, alas the risk was too high, he likes his fingers, he didn't want to lose any in the matted mess that was on my head.
No point to anything but a spray with a conditioning spray and combing the knots out in the morning, drag it back into a half ponytail thing and pretend I liked it that way. Wind and rain, drizzle and damp are not kind to curly hair, why take the time to straighten hair that will spring right back into a frizzy mop at the very mention of moisture?
So 3 days of sunshine and a boost of whatever the goodness is that makes me walk a bit taller, lift my head and smell the roses. Well for heavens sake....lets see if there is someone brave enough to chop and style. Bless Tricia's heart, she took up the challenge!
Having my hair cut is always a trial to me, I am afraid of leaving the salon looking like a shorn sheep but Trisha is a dream and she and I have such a great chat I forget she is chopping off my frizz and suddenly Ta-Da, all done.
I feel better but I can see that I am still tired looking and jowly. I am looking my age and feeling it. I am afraid if I lose weight I will sag into oblivion. I will flap in the breeze, it is not looking good.
However, I do think I look sort of comfy and alright to be with, considering.
considering Sophie the girl child is on a soul sucking phase. Bless her heart she is doing alright, no drugs, has come through a rotten period of withdrawal , vomiting and stomach pains, misery and panic attacks, all during the night...here, with me. She has been turning up at midnight, 1am.....staying until she feels better and then I send her home. Then she comes back the next day because she just wants to be with me, this is a good thing but it is so exhausting, because she talks and talks and talks some more, about ....I'm not sure what she talks about but she talks.
She has been here and cooked us dinner and eaten dinner and eaten while she cooks dinner and eaten after dinner and she is looking better.
16 days until she has her appointment, I can do this. I really hope she can do this too.
I so want for her to be happy, at very least not to be so crazy wild in her head, I wonder sometimes how her head stays in place when it is so filled with so many thoughts and emotions and STUFF, all fighting to be in charge and in front.
I want to hear her talk about a boyfriend and dates, I want her to be able to work and be in a routine, knowing where she should be and where she belongs.
I really need for her to believe and accept that she is an adult, that she can rely on herself and ask for and receive help but not expect everything to be handed to her. I am so tired with teaching Sophie. I just want to be able to love her, to enjoy her and sit back and watch what she can do.
She is 19 physically, but she is still such a little girl in so many ways. When she lived and worked with Dan, she grew up a lot, she saw that working and earning her own money was a good thing. All of my children are generous and she certainly was when she was earning good money, she came back here and fell so hard back into the drugs pit that she erased all the good she had achieved while she was away. Physically I have been worried for her, she was close to causing herself irretrievable damage. I hope she has escaped that and that she will never be in such a bleak place again. I wonder how often I can watch her hurt herself, I don't want to do it anymore. Ever. I know she has incredible hurt inside her, I can't do anything about that, if only I could, there is the most terrible pain in a mother's heart to see a child so troubled and sad.
I have adored this girl of mine, with a fierce passion. The love I have for her is so different to the way I love the boys, I admire so much of her fight but I wish it weren't all channelled towards me!
( I just did a quick spell check and saw that I had written towards me as one word, spell check wondered if I meant to write twats...why no but thankyou for asking, sometimes I would like to say twats, though this wasn't one of those moments.)
Jordan and Mel have a new home, the flat they live in is being remodelled and so they have to move ( something that made me feel like curling into the fetal position and sucking my thumb) hey are moving on the 10th to a house that is almost within spitting distance. Wonder if I will find myself walking past the house and popping in when that baby is here, I am so glad I love Mel and she seems to like me, I love that they come for dinner and relax and then go home!
The little boys have 2 weeks off school from next week, we have got Seth a place at a basketball camp for 3days, 6 hours a day of basketball, can you imagine his excitement? I wish you could bottle that joy and save it for a rainy day, he walks past me every now and then and pats my arm and says thankyou. He blessed the food at dinner tonight, well that was the plan anyway
"Dear Heavenly Father, thankyou for this day and thankyou that I am going to basketball camp, I ask thee that I will enjoy basketball camp and have a lovely time, also I ask that mum and dad can have a nice time while I am at basketball camp, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen." I'm pretty sure the Lord knows he meant to thank Him for the good food and ask that it be wholesome and good for our bodies. God's like that, He understands what is in our hearts, even when our mouths are running away with themselves.
Meanwhile, I am very grateful that my hair turned out pretty alright and ask that my poor weary face not sag anymore until at least 2015 because I am not ready for jowls any droopier than they already are. Amen.

Shirt WAS so ironed before I sat in the car and screwed it up with the seat belt, face was so NOT ironed before I went and had a hard adult life and left it uncared for and unmoisturised, I use all the best creams now but I think it laughs at me and tells me I am 10 years too late. Hair is pretty though.

Blast it, trying to be all clever with the camera didn't hide that double chin, did it? Hair's soft though.