So, I have decided.

Many things, as my head clears and the fog lifts, as I begin to remember what living means, rather than getting up, breathing and going back to bed.
I am beginning to think that I have choices, I can't choose whether I am depressed or not, that is beyond me and as old as I am I see that when it slams, it slams. What I do have control of is what I do with all the time when I am not in the very depths but am ticking along. I am afraid, of so many things, most things, ridiculous things. For the past 5 years I have allowed that fear to suffocate me. When I lived in America, I was afraid most of the time, in a constant state of worry but I did things, I carried on, I worked through it, I managed. When I came home, now I look back it was like walking back into your house after the worst day at school. When the bullies had had a day filled with making your life sheer hell and then it's 4 o'clock and you walk in the door, throw down your back pack ( or briefcase in my siatuation, being at grammar school and all) and your insides thump in relief that you did it, got through another day, all is well.
Coming back to England was like that, thankyou Lord for getting me home. Thump.
Then 5 months waiting for H to get his immigration passed OK and there he was, here he is. Thump.
Now I am here, in this house that wraps itself around me, even with it's grey trim ( who paints their trim grey? WHO?) and it's hokey old lady carpets that always look pretty good and I ( because I am splendid and quite prone to uneccessary cleaning, ha ha!) decide that I will vacuum anyway because that is a good home makery thing to do. One of these days, if I can work out how to do it, I will tape the noise when I vacuum, even though it doesn't need it.
It is fantastic, all that gravelly crunchy sound, all the cracks and crackles as the unseen on this carpet crap gets sucked up. With 3 little boys, these ugly carpets are the absolute genius of home and garden ( that is one and the same, inside because little boys never take off their shoes, let's just walk it right on in people!)
In this home that is always warm and welcoming to me, I had a marvellous, but frightening slump, a period of almost comatose sleeping, that actually still could be possible I think. I still go to bed very late but when I do go to bed, I am totally unaware of anything, all night. I woke up today at 9.30, yeehaw.
Now I am beginning to wake up, I have decided that while this great period lasts I am going to push myself to the limits. Whether I am afraid or not, I am going to do things.
My dad was afriad of so many things, he missed so many great chances because of those 'what if's' and 'yeah well's. I am 45, I can't waste anymore life hiding from everything that worries me.
Because I do not do things by half, I am going to New York.
Yes. New York, New York, so good they named it twice.
I am going to fly to New York and spend a few days with some women I have never met in person. I know them well and we all have many things in common and when I have battled the crippling fear of flying, when I am there, we will have such fun that I will remember it in my dotage, every detail. I know I will stand and look up at all those big buildings and then point at the yellow cabs! LOOK YELLOW CABS, I've seen those on telly!
I asked Seth if New York has a basketball team ( Nicks, *sigh* of course, he did stop himself adding 'idiot' or 'duh' but I heard it in his mind, I think he wonders on a daily basis how I made it this far with such limited knowledge on such important matters.) he would like a Nicks kit, Isaac just wants stuff and Elijah, sparkles and pretty things. Of course.
16 weeks today until I go, long enough to save and prepare. I want to lose weight and I think that will happen anyway. I have noticed through the years that when I am very low, my body siezes up, every thing comes to a grinding halt. I get fatter, faster. When I come out of it, the added weight comes off, because I don't need to graze all day, I don't want to eat until I feel sick, I eat breakfast and about 2pm will realise I haven't eaten since. I can feel everything inside me waking up, I think my metabolism hibernates in winter, like a bear I force myself to eat and eat and build reserves...then along comes spring and off we go, happy time again!
I have discovered ( not by accident I have been experimenting) that white bread makes my skin welt up and itch with a fierceness that scares me, even one slice will make me develop weals and bumps, that really helps, I cannot eat white bread anymore, I love wholemeal but it doesn't at all have the ability to call my name, I can eat 2 slices of a great granary loaf and am done, finished, white bread screams at me to KEEP EATING and MORE !
I think I am going to try cutting out white rice ( easy peasy, that stuff is just blah to me) and pasta ( not so easy, I love that stuff) I bought some vitamins that are specifically for the immune system, I am going to try everything to get my poor body feeling better and working better.
Wish me luck, the older I get the harder it all is.
I shall be helped in my quest by the thought that in July, in New York ( did I mention that I am going to NEW YORK?!?) there will be many cameras and many pictures will be taken and it is bad enough that I just cannot smile or look natural, without looking tripply chinned and idiotic, be gone you jowelly, chinny, fat face. 16 weeks, that should be long enough to lose that fat bit under my chin, trouble is I am pretty sure that the fat is stopping the wrinkles, cakes are very helpful in the battle against wrinkles, see a wrinkle, eat a few cakes... GONE!
I am a little afraid of what might happen if I lose weight, could it be that by July, I have lost weight but will need to buy sunbstantial under garments of the very tight and restrictive kind, shall I have to pour my wobbly excess skin into knickers that start at my ankles and end under my eyebrows? That could be hot in the summer time NY style. Perhaps I shall be able to wear nice cotton trousers and just tuck the loose skin into a pair of socks. All these possibilites.
These are all marvellous things to be thinking of, so much nicer than the stuff that has been gnawing away at my brain for the past several months.
I am not desperate to lose weight because I think anyone coming to the meet up will think badly of me for being fat, that shows how confidant I am that these women are real friends, I know that I won't notice how anyone looks, apart from whether they look happy or not. I don't care who is thin, fat, well dressed, wearing sweats. I know they don't give it a thought either. I want to lose wieght because I want to get every single joyous moment out of the trip and if I am fat and hot and uncomfortable, I will be cross with myself for not doing everything I can to make the most of this opportunity.
I think time will fly, in the next few weeks we have our London trip and then the long awaited for, might be called Joshua grandbaby will arrive.....so much to look forward to right now. Life is very good and the best thing is that I can SEE it is good.
I can see H again. For all this long time I have been so shut inside my own miserable self that H has been unseen really, just here, being H and being taken for granted ( and enjoying every moment of being left alone and not spoken to much!) I can see him again and he just is glorious. He was so sent to me, I would never have looked at him or thought of him on my own.....he is nothing at all like anyone I have ever been out with or loved before.
He has the quietest most delicious sense of humour, he is one of those people who sit and let the world happen, he takes it all in and remembers it all, when you least expect it, he will say something, in his quiet, undemanding voice and a few seconds later, it will sink in what he said and it never fails to make me just choke with laughter.
He is painfully shy and just lately I catch him, though can't let him know....being just so wonderful with the boys, I have seen him dance and heard him sing ( although he really can't sing at all well!) If he knew, for second that I was witness to these moments of sheer bliss, he would stop doing it.
Isaac, my music loving boy, has leapt another hurdle.
I have never, properly, heard him sing. He loves listening to music, he moves with music, he mimes to music and apart from one time when I heard him whispering some songs for a school assembly, while he lay in bed, I haven't heard him ever sing. Yesterday he was singing...really singing, Cotton Eyed Joe of all things, using H's iPod he was watching it over and over again on You Tube......I asked him to sing it to me and he did....looked right at me and sang it, so sweetly. Pushing my luck, I asked if I could video him singing, he said YES! Right away I filmed him and to my dismay I saw that I had held the camera sideways! You just know that he refused a second try. I have him 'singing', on tape. He even looks at me while he is singing, the taped version is nowhere near as confident as the time he sang for me without the camera but it is so sweet and priceless to me.



It's almost impossible to believe that he couldn't speak just 2 years ago, then he would/could only speak to us, now he can talk pretty much at school, he still has trouble talking outside if anyone not in the immediate family is present.
He is beginning to be more able to enjoy things more, he joins in a little more at school but is still obviously happier in solitary pursuits.
Beautiful boy.