Well, scratch that.

I found a website that sells totally chemical free beauty products and while I refuse to admit to vanity in any shape or form, I have to say that the grey hair is not staying yet, I can't do it, enough with the slipping face, hairy chin and grandma body, grey hair is not staying. Not yet anyway.
So I ordered 2 chemical free, plant based hair dyes, light brown because I do light brown, sensible light brown that somehow always turns sort of red but that's fine, people think I have always had reddish hair, I don't but light brown turns reddish and I'm fine with that. For so many years I have had fake reddish hair that I almost believe it myself.
So the dyes arrived last week..dark brown. Oh. Hmmmmm. Dark brown, now when I dye my hair it always goes much darker than the box says it will, so if this is dark brown, what will it do to my hair? I worried a bit because we had a little old lady that would visit our house on tuesdays as we were growing up, the most bizarre creature you ever did see, to us she seemed at least 80 and she dyed her hair, black. I don't know when she dyed it or how but it was always jet black with an inch of white roots. No matter when we saw her, the roots were there and the rest was ink black. She took proud of her appearance and always wore lipstick, bright red lipstick that she painted on ( without the help of a mirror or eyesight worth a jot it would appear) she gave herself a cupid bow mouth and that lipstick went right up to her nose.
Turns out she would visit because mum would giver her some money for ..who knows what for and who cares, she would visit and off she would go for another week, my mum is such a kind soul.
So I looked at this dye and wondered if, should I use it, would I be like dotty old lady with the jet black hair, the answer to that question, having used the dye ( one box anyway) is YES! I DO! Sort of. H loves the colour and it is very shiny and sleek looking ( on my head, imagine that! ) It makes me jump when I see it although I'm sure it will be fine, I'm just used to the same old same old....sort of reddish light brown, slink into the back ground right over there, near a tree, sort of colour. I love that the conditioner makes my hair so soft when I colour it.
I hate that my poor head hates dye so much it itches til I am ready to scream. So much for the extra cost ( though not as costly as I imagined it would be) so much for plant extracts and fancy schmancy hippy dyes, my head is so itchy I am about to get the clippers out and shave my head so I can paste it with soothing steroid cream and sigh with relief. I think I even have blisters this time, and I never get that itchy with those breath taking chemicals! When I put this stuff on my head ( which was very sloppy and dribbly) it smelled like paint stripper, which seemed odd if it was made of plants and natural things, never did smell a tree that smells like paint stripper/ nail varnish remover yet. What price vanity?
The lovely man from the R.A.C came out and my car is all mended, for nothing but the monthly fee ( £18 I think) the clutch fluid was down and once he topped that up, we have gears and a car that works again, for which I am so grateful. I just can't stand the thought of any extra bills at the moment, it feels so good to be straight and breathing, sleeping at night ( really sleeping, about 6 hours, every night, this is marvellous I tell you) We have had a couple of weeks of enjoying shopping and not really penny pinching, it's time now to buckle down again and start watching what I do, more and more I dislike waste and we had become great at wasting very little. I thought yesterday that these little boys really don't know what it is to want something, that worries me, I don't think it's good to be deprived but these boys really do seem to have all they want and more, that doesn't always make good people.
It does us good to yearn sometimes, it is beneficial to need at times, it is essential to work for and feel a sense of achievement. I don't want these boys to grow up thinking everything is their right and taking for granted all that we have.
I also feel, as I begin to get better, that I need to find some way to give back so much of what I have been given.
I have so much, I have always been aware that I am rich in al the things that matter and I know that because of the experiences I have, I have much to offer. I am beginning to wonder how I can begin to repay for the good things that I have.
I want my children to grow up and look back, remembering bizarre old ladies who came on a tuesday because I had something to offer. I want them to reminisce and think of christmasses where they saw boxes and baskets being made but not knowing who they were for...we saw mysterious boxes of treats and gifts leaving our house at Christmas time and just knew they were for people who needed them, we were never told who those people were. We were poor growing up, we really were, there were so many children in our house, with foster children and all of us, but no matter how poor we may have been, we had more than enough of everything and there was always enough to share with someone else. I love that about my childhood. I want the same for my children.
I am so thrilled that H is feeling the same way, it would be difficult to do much if he wasn't of the same mind.
He is keen that our family become more aware of service and sharing, we just have to decide how we go about it.
I have been on the receiving end of such generosity and love that it takes my breath away at times, I think there are cycles that we live through. Sometimes we can give, other times we have to allow other people to be the givers...which is actually very difficult to feel comfortable with most times.
Sometimes I long to make such a huge difference in the world, I want to change the way people think, I want to make such an incredible impact on the world.....and then I realise that I am just me, I can only do what I can do and if what I can do is to help maybe one person, change perhaps one day in the life of somebody that needs it, what a blessing that would be.
The boys have been hard work today, it's been a day of feeling as though we have been trying to jeep a bucket full of eels contained, without a lid. One of those days. I am tired of trying to think of things they can do and think that tomorrow, we will turn the tables and have them do things that keep them busy and wear them out. There are some wonderful older ladies at church that could well use some buy boys to pick up in their gardens maybe. It will do them good to see that there is so much they can be doing that doesn't mean having others entertain them all the while.
We have had such windy weather here that everywhere you look there are leaves and litter....tomorrow I think we can get some black bags and go pick up litter.
Little things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the idea of changing the world, maybe we just need to change our world, the one we see every day and work our way outwards.
All this is so easy to say, at midnight, when they are asleep and the ideas are so good, when the morning comes and they are all on form, each one ready to make his own mess and mark on my world...well we'll see!
I am just feeling the need to do good things and make an impression on those little minds, other than endlessly sounding at the end of my patience.