For now.....

I think that each day as it comes, with as much gentle joy as we can cram in, is the way to go.
I was told that the likelihood is I will feel worse before I feel better.
I do.
Don't ask me how I am...in case I tell you.
Don't ask me to sit anywhere for longer than 10 minutes because it seems I will freak out, no warning, especially somewhere like, say CHURCH.
You know, where it is quiet and people are thinking and singing and being reverent.


Let me stand near rivers.......





And walk through meadows......

Let me stand under trees and watch little boys do what little boys do.

And let me take pictures of crunchy looking bugs on beautiful, sun browned, baby necks......

I think that will help.

Definitely.

It's a very sad day.

There are many thing I can live without, some things I hope not to have to live without and a few things I never want to live without.

I'm talking things, not people or relationships, down to it stuff, trappings, frills.
I can live without the big posh house ( wish I didn't, but can and still be very happy)
Live without the big flash car ( am so happy with my little Renault that even now I get in it and smile and tell it I love it)
Clothes and name brands and designer? Ptthhhhhhhhhhh.

I can't live without a washing machine. I say I can't, I can but I am very grumpy about it.
My washing machine is dead. It's been coughing along for a year now and I pat it and tell it it's being splendid but that darn thing went ahead and just died anyway. Ungrateful wretch of a thing.
I always fed it the best washing powder, in fact tablets thankyouverymuch, tablets so that the machines drawer doesn't get all clogged and horrid. Best fabric softeners, you name it that machine has had it. Not a grain of cheapo shop's own stuff ever been in that Hotpoint.
I have spent the past few days manually turning the dial and respinning it 32 times for every load, it has taken me the entire weekend to do two loads of laundry. I am on the verge of stamping my feet and screaming in as dramatic a way as possible because OH I LOVE CLEAN LAUNDRY!
I love washing and drying and folding laundry, I am a freaky laundry snob who loves white whites and little boys in pristine white school shirts and socks that look as if they have never been worn before.
I love to stand and iron beautiful clean clothes and smell that fresh smell.
I am mourning my washing machine. I wouldn't be if I thought I could get another one but I can't and I'm not at all sure when I can.
The benefits people have screwed up again, not entirely their fault this time, they wrote to me to say the last screw up was all fixed and I read that and threw the latter away without reading it all ( because those letters are so blah blah, I had just spent days sorting that mess up out, who'd have thought they had come up with something else?)
So I didn't read that they want details of Sophie's employment , I didn't read it, so didn't send it and so immediately the benefit was stopped.
On Dec 23rd I took in all the paperwork they needed.
Nothing.
Phone call after phone call and they tell me that those few days over Christmas have put them WEEKS behind, WEEKS I tell you.
So, I am having to find that money out of our every day money until the mess is unmessed and it hurts.
No money for washing machine, and that hurts even more.
Funny isn't it how there is never a backlog or delay when the money is stopped? That money stopper person is on the ball, s/he doesn't take a day off, believe in public holidays, doesn't sleep or eat, probably should get a raise any day now. Or a kick in the moneystopping bum.
Oh washing machine I miss you.
I have done all the tricks I know to revive poor washing machine and they haven't worked. Poor old thing. It has been moved 4 times, unplumbed, replumbed, unplumbed again. It has washed and rinsed and spun and cleaned.
I miss it.
The end.

That went well!

So Sophie and I actually did get out and walk today...that picture in the header, that was as we got out of the car. Why do animals like me? I kid you not, wherever I go, cats want to sit on my lap, dogs want to lean on me, birds follow me, even ponies run to me when we go to the moors, I am a Dr Dolittle or pied Piper or something, why they can't all sense my absolute disdain for them is beyond me, I like to look at dogs from afar, if they are nice looking ones, I don't want to touch them or talk to them. I quite like cats but the flea thing gets to me. Any other animal, well if you can eat it, I probably like it.
I will never be responsible for picking up an animals poo, ever, which is why we don't have any animals, I am passionate about people who have dogs and don't clean up after them. I don't feel emotional about animals in a fluffy sort of way but I am absolutely enraged by people who have pets and don't take care of them.
So we went walking, very slowly with much " Hells teeth it's SO COLD!" we met so many dogs, so many many dogs and elderly ladies, with more dogs than was sensible in my opinion and a pram, for the fat one who was old ( dog, not lady though, actually, who knows?)


Look at those dear old things, isn't being old marvellous? How splendid to just be, to wear what you want to wear and give not a jot what anyone thinks.

We took some pictures of some pretty things


And Sophie was at one with nature.



We walked a while and then turned around and walked more briskly back, the trouble is I am rubbish really, I pretty much know that the chances of me power walking on a regular basis are pretty slim, I start and then I know I won't keep it up and so I stop. Rubbish, Also Sophie bellowing "COME ON! FASTER!" makes me laugh and add to that the freezing cold and I need to pee, I am just not serious enough about it. Sophie did say that it's a good job we didn't hire a personal trainer.

Sophie was a guide or a air stewardess or something,



All in all, it was a pleasing afternoon and was better than sitting in the house, I think we plan to go again tomorrow and hope that perhaps a healthy desire to move quicker will strike me.
I feel so stuck in a rut this week, the stupid eating over Christmas is catching up with me and I feel horrible, when I saw the picture of me being stalked by the black Lab, I took off that sweater and threw it away, it really showed me that I have to stop wearing such baggy clothes, that did me no favours at all so it's gone, binned, never to be worn again.
If I could only make myself do the same with the baggy old jeans!
So, tomorrow we will try again.....Hopefully we will feel more like

This than

That.

January 2nd.....

Doesn't time fly? Good gracious, it'll be Christmas before we know it!
What day is it? Does anyone know? I know that the boys go back to school in 4 days because Isaac keeps telling me. I know that I have to buy packed lunch foods in 3 days because Isaac keeps telling me, I know that the uniforms are ready because Isaac told me so many times and asked me when I thought I would be getting 'round to that so many times I just did them and hung them up and now he can ( and does) pop his head around the corner and look at them all, ironed and hanging in beautiful clean smelling rows. Reassuring and ready, we like that feeling.

Today was the first full day back in normality. Oh how good it feels. Listen to me, I sound as though someone made me do it ( the DEVIL! The Devil made me do it!) was I forced to eat such nonsense ( delicious nonsense naturally?) Who was it that made me personally responsible for making sure all those walnut whips were eaten before Jan 1st? Heh, I did it all by myself, without even being told to do it and here I am spouting as though it was a terrible trial. Actually, what the past week has been has been an eye opener. Not once did I eat in anger, or sadness or with worry or guilt. I ate what I wanted to eat, because I wanted to eat it and when I had enough, I stopped. I. Stopped.
I don't know if I ever felt that before. I have the tiniest glimmer of belief that I may really and truly be learning how to deal with things without food. Shhhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone.
I was worried about eating Christmas fayre because I imagined having to start all over again with the feelings of denial, the dreadful 'I can'ts' there are none, not one, no looking at any kind of food and wishing things were different, wishing I were a naturally thin person that could eat all that stuff and stay thin.
The thing is, people who are naturally thin, probably aren't. They are just able to see, eat and stop. Just like that, all the time! What I have to do is just, for a while, eat less and move more until I reach a weight that feels just right for me. I am sure that isn't a stick thin weight, I really don't think I am meant to be, or even want to be skinny, I will know when I am where I should be.

I was thinking today what I do want for myself. I am 46, I love comfy clothes, I am pretty certain that I am not aiming for a body to die for that will be draped in beautiful fashionable skin tight clothes. I would love to wear fitted clothes, rather than huge baggy T shirts.
I have been buying, in the sales, clothes that are not huge and for some reason I am still very afraid of them! I bought a really pretty top, V necked and 3 sizes smaller than I normally wear, it fits, beautifully I might add and I wore it....with a baggy old jumper over the top! What IS that all about? I have to teach myself to be alright with losing weight. In the past whenever I have lost enough weight that people notice, I put it right back on. I don't think and I desperately hope, that this isn't about to happen this time.
I have a dream, when I was younger, in my 20's I had beautiful hands ( though I say so myself) I even had a photographer ask to take pictures of them so pretty they were. I am sad every time I see my fat old butchers hands these days because although I am not a fru fru frilly girlie girl, I love rings and bracelets, bangles and jangly shiny things.
For 2 years or more, I have had my eye on a ring in the jewellers window, I stop and look and hold my breath for fear it has been sold.....and so far, it hasn't. I so want that ring.
Last week I stopped and pointed it out to H and said that for our 10th wedding anniversary I wanted that ring and I was going to make sure my fingers were thin enough to wear it and show it off to everyone that cared ( or not!).
Today I stopped and looked and it has been reduced! A lot! It wasn't a ridiculously expensive ring to start with and now it is £814.
Oh how I want that sparkly ring on my finger, more than skinny jeans and fitted shirts, I want that ring! We shall see.
I love Face book, to start with I was very reluctant and can't even remember why I opened an account, I think it may have been because of the first Boston trip but whatever, I did and I am now so hopelessly addicted, I LOVE IT! I have found old friends and made new ones. I get so excited when I get an email saying someone found me and wants to be my friend! I love seeing the pictures and seeing how people have changed, reading what people are doing and most of all I think I love the status updates. Those things are hysterical sometimes.
I can't stand the half a story ones, I always want to ask "WHAT??" when someone just hints at a secret. I am so nosy I think that's why it appeals to me so much, you can see into peoples' lives and they don't even know! Well they know if I came by because I can't help but leave a comment or 7.
Do you facebook? Do I have you on my friends list? Let me into your life and open your world to me and my nosiness! I admit I don't do all the games and the poking, I can't be growing plants or throwing snowballs, Sophie gets crazy when she sees I have 735463 notifications unread.....meh, no time for all that stuff, I need to be looking at pictures and reading where you are and what you are doing, laughing at your status updates and trying to out status Jenn who also loves to change her status multiple times and she is the queen of blasting laugh updates.
I am ridiculously easy to please.
Gossip and shiny things = smiley me.

Out with the old.....

Who can believe it? Another year over, what a year it has been for me. A happy one, truth be told, filled with joyous and incredible things.

A grandbaby, let's face it, nothing can top that can it? He was born in June and I felt my life change, there is something about being a grandma that makes life alright.







What a sweet boy he is, from the very beginning he was a gentle and funny boy and now, at the grand old age of 6 months, he is still as sweet and he is definitely funny and he is not a pushover, he knows what he likes and he isn't afraid to let everyone know if he doesn't like something. I put him to bed last night, while I was babysitting and I am not ashamed to say I had a little weep, as I sat next to his cot and stroked his face, watching him so secure and obviously completely used to being loved and safe, being the centre of the world he lives in, I couldn't help but think of all the babies who aren't safe, who don't take being loved and protected, warm and fed for granted. How blessed I feel to have the life I have.







The boys have changed so much this year, Seth is such a character, he is so funny and has a quick wit, a fiery temper and rarely a day passes without him making me laugh fit to bust or roar in frustration...often he can make me do both.







Isaac has come on in leaps and bounds, he has worked to hard to adapt at school, he is more sociable and every bit as obsessive as ever, delicious and loving, always my heart boy.



He so wanted a real bow tie for Christmas, not a ready tied one, a real actual mans one...



Which daddy helped him tie and when done, one side was a millimetre longer than the other and that was BAD we could absolutely NOT be seen in public with it, TAKE IT OFF and never show it to me again, in fact do not mention it, ever again, thankyou.







Elijah is getting so tall, he has left behind his days of frilly and feminine loves. He laughs at any suggestion that he might enjoy High school musical 3, he is horrified at the very mention of high hells or pink t shirts....a part of me is more sad about that than I imagined I would be, because I could not, even for a moment could I imagine that he would ever grow out of that stage!











can you appreciate those shoe properly? Let me give you a close up...and look hoe he crosses his legs to show them off! This was no quick phase, the boy loved shoes!







He grew out of that pretty much overnight, when he turned 5, when he became a big boy and left such foolish nonsense behind him. These days it's all Ben 10 and toilet humour....as it should be, where would be without talk of farts and lavatories?



Two trips to Boston, June and December, to see friends, such lovely women who make me laugh and cry, who show me what true friendship is all about. Women who know me and know more about me than even people who live close by, perhaps even more than family because sometimes we keep things from family to protect them and keep them from feeling they need to fix us.

I love that these women know the real me, warts and all and still like me. They can say what they feel and they hear what I have to say, they hear what my heart is saying when my mouth gets the words wrong. As I grow older I see more and more that true friendship is about more than trite words and back patting. It is about saying what you feel and meaning what you say and knowing that what you say will be heard and understood.

I am so grateful to have a husband who encourages me to go on these trips, I am thrilled that I make myself get on the plane and also that I can trust H to look after the boys when I am away. He doesn't do things the way I do them and it is wonderful to know that the world doesn't collapse without me micro-managing everything. If I trust him enough to leave him in charge, I trust him enough to do it his way ( and then I can undo the bits I don't like when I get home!) It was very touching to hear him say that he didn't do well without me, that is as close as it gets to hearing how important I am!

I like that we don't need to call and check up endless times a day, I don't have to tell him what to do or how to do it, he doesn't need to ask if I am missing him, I know the boys won't fall apart from lack of a bath or eating pasta 2 days in a row and watching a day of Simpsons.

I like this man I am married to and I am so glad to feel so secure in his love for me and mine for him. I didn't believe I would ever trust a man again after the first one, how well the Lord knows me that He sent this extraordinary man my way and how well He knows H that he made sure he met me.....no accident at all I am sure.



I am slowly and surely fighting through the demons that have held me so tightly for so long. They are still there and I am beginning to accept that this is the case, it isn't the end of the world, how I deal with it is what matters. By explaining to those close to me, how I feel, I feel that I am taking steps in the right direction.

Grandpa has left this evening, his flight is tomorrow morning which meant getting a bus just after midnight, H always goes with him and this time, they took Seth as well.

In the past I would keep quiet and suffer the most terrible anxiety, have chest pains, I would imagine every terrible scenario and how I would deal with it when ( not if, ) it happened.

What I do now is to say things like " H, I have to say this, just to stop me worrying, just let me say it and know that it is for me, not because I actually believe I have to say it....when you are in London, will you make sure that you can see Seth all the time, you won't leave him in the museum while you go to the apple store will you?" ( to which H raises his eyebrows and laughs because really, what answer does he think I need ?)

I gave H my cell phone and wrote the number on a piece of paper, it is in Seth's wallet which is clipped to his jeans. He knows if he is separated from H, he is to find a family or a woman with children and explain that he is lost and to call the cell phone ( and of course I have to say out loud " But you won't get lost because you will stay with daddy the whole time won't you?" ) I will still worry, I will still jerk awake all night and imagine all the things that can happen but I didn't stop him going, I didn't make an excuse to keep him home with me. Progress indeed.





Everyone is very patient with me, if mum has the boys she listens to me say things like...actually, I don't have to say anything to mum anymore because she knows every one of my quirks and she never ever breaks one of them, she is glorious.

I talk more about the things that scare me ( which are multiple and annoying)

For the first time in so long I can't even think of a time when I felt this way, I am looking forward to the new year, I feel so much more in control of how my life can be. So many,many years have passed feeling as though I have no say in what happens to me, really believing that I have no choice but to accept whatever comes my way and just hoping that somehow, someone will make it all better for me.

No-one can ever make life better for us, people can add to our lives, they can increase our joy, they can enrich and enliven but ultimately it is just up to us to make our joy.

Whenever we wait for someone to make it all right, when we expect others to bring us happiness it is almost certain that we will be disappointed. The years I have harboured anger towards H because he wasn't saying or doing what I thought I needed him to say or do, (too many years)

The resentment because even God didn't send an angel to make me happy, there wasn't a fairy Godmother waving a wand and telling me what to do.

I needed to make me happy.

Even knowing that it could well take as many years to get there as it took to become so sad, just understanding who is responsible for my joy makes it seem closer. It is closer.

So often our sadness is the result of other people and their actions, things that we can't control, I see now that there is always some way for me to change how those actions affect me. There isn't a magic cure, there isn't a quick and easy answer, it will be a lifelong work in progress.

Likewise the work on my poor body, how hard I have punished my body in an effort to numb my mind, the body would hurt, ache, react badly, my head would feel worse....what a cycle. The changes I have made this year have made such a difference, even this week of ridiculous eating, I have felt how adversely it affects my moods. I am so glad to see how much control I have over my life now in comparison to the beginning of this year, I so wish I could peek into the future and see the different ways I could be feeling this time next year. Will I have made great changes and be shouting from the rooftops about how incredible it feels to have beaten the odds, or will I be sitting here saying how possible all the changes are? I so hope that I am spouting about how great things are and how I took control and changed it all for me and mine.

Shall we take bets?

I am so excited for this next year, my greatest joy this year has been seeing Sophie become such a joy, to see her so happy and begin to realise that who she is, is beautiful. That she doesn't need to perfrom, she doesn't need to pretend or hide, she can just be the funny, loud, loving person she is and be loved. She is changing every day, growing, she is like a butterfly.....I am so thrilled to be her mother. Each day that passes I believe more and more that she is laeving the old world behind her , that she has seen what can be and wants it, that she doesn't need all the junk she filled her emptiness with, she is learning so much sooner than I did that she controls her destiny and the universe is hers to enjoy.











I am going to actively pursue happiness next year, I am going to stop waiting for the good life and go out and get it.

I am going to work hard to change the things I don't like and accept the things I can't change.

I am going to give more and expect less.

I am going to be kinder to myself and more compassionate to others.

I will strengthen my strengths and my weaknesses.

I will follow the example H leads and continue to build our family in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father, teach by example and learn with humility.

It will be a great year.

And you know I will tell you every last detail!

Oh and in the pursuit of happy-ness .... comments, they work every time. Thankyou.

And some good bits.

An amazing thing. This week, whilst standing in the kitchen I could hear an unusal noise, a noise that didn't sounds good, coming from the pantry. A dripping noise, what on earth? Well it was the boiler, overflowing and leaking and making puddles, rather quickly. Moments like these are the ones where I rub my hands and fel thankful that we are renters. That doesn't happen terribly often, especially with the landlady we had for a few years, but this time, I picked up the phone, called the agents and withing an hour we had a plumber, within 24 hours we had a new boiler ( and it feels SO good when the plumber shakes his head and says " Sorry dear, that there's sealed unit, can't fix him, he'll have to be replaced" ( because boilers in Devon are always male) and then I get to be all laid back and say " Oh dear...never mind, when you can you replace that for us then?" and not worry a bit about how much it will cost!
I was almost insufferable because I kept saying to H " See? SEE? look how it should be! It broke we made a phone call and it's FIXED and there was no whining and muttering and asking for rent but telling us how there is no money for repairs and maybe we should just live without hot water.
I am quite cross with myself for the level of anger I STILL feel for slumlord landlady, not helped by the fact that I see her all the time, her mother lives a few doors down from Jordan and almost every time I go there she is outside her mother's house. I hear tell that when we were in London, Dan, Jordan and Sophie went for lunch only to see landlady at the next table, I resisted the urge to ask what happened because they may have told me, they did say that she didn't stay to eat and avoided all eye contact until she could scuttle out. I also may have heard someone mention tying shoelaces and breaking wind in the direction of .....but only as a possibility, not an actual fact that happened ( I think I did raise them well enough to know when what would be satisfying, is not always something that should be done. Well 2 of them anyway, the third one still seems to just do whatever she feels like at the time, like flashing her boobs at a baby shower for instance)
I can hardly believe that we have lived here almost 4 months, and still keep telling ourselves that there is no rush to put things where we want them to be!
My excuse for the bedrooms is that I plan to buy things in Boston to do the boys rooms, so no point starting them yet and our room is sort of OK...and anyway we aren't planning on going anywhere so what's the rush, especially with a Landlord that actually fixes things and says 'yes' when we ask him if we can paint and decorate ( and we will, one day, you wait and see!!)
Mum and Leah are flying to Canada on friday, going to Niagra falls for a couple of days and then
going to Utah for 3 weeks, it seems like they have been planning this trip forever and at last the time is almost here.
As soon as they get back mum is having a hysterectomy,which I refuse to think about because she was 70 last week. So la la la la think of pretty flowers and clouds.
I didn't write anything about her on her birthday because I wrote about my dad on his 70th and made some stupid comment about his having had his 3 score years and 10 and what now? Borrowed time? And then he died, so I thought it best to let mum just be 70 and not mention it.
I so hope they can have the most splendid time, they have been sad for too long, neither of them have managed to be truly happy since Dad died and they have moved house and faced endless porblems and so now we all hope that they have 3 weeks of absolute heavenly holidays.
They will be staying with Jane in her own built mansion in Utah that sometimes makes me feel a bit envious and ungracious, until I remember that it is far away from where I love to be and then I let go of such feelings of petty jealously ( almost!)
They will see Lily and Izzie, who are 2 and 4 and are the most precious naughty people you can hope to come across, they flood things and paint things, they find mischief and paste their names all over it, pretty much every day. I miss them so and am happy that gramma can see them and love them and just squeeze the naughty out of them for a few weeks!








I hope they get sunshine every day, that they do lots of planting and craft shopping, much of their very favourite things, that they sleep and rest and wake up with feelings of excitement to see what this day holds. Not nearly enough of that going on in their lives for too long.

Well, scratch that.

I found a website that sells totally chemical free beauty products and while I refuse to admit to vanity in any shape or form, I have to say that the grey hair is not staying yet, I can't do it, enough with the slipping face, hairy chin and grandma body, grey hair is not staying. Not yet anyway.
So I ordered 2 chemical free, plant based hair dyes, light brown because I do light brown, sensible light brown that somehow always turns sort of red but that's fine, people think I have always had reddish hair, I don't but light brown turns reddish and I'm fine with that. For so many years I have had fake reddish hair that I almost believe it myself.
So the dyes arrived last week..dark brown. Oh. Hmmmmm. Dark brown, now when I dye my hair it always goes much darker than the box says it will, so if this is dark brown, what will it do to my hair? I worried a bit because we had a little old lady that would visit our house on tuesdays as we were growing up, the most bizarre creature you ever did see, to us she seemed at least 80 and she dyed her hair, black. I don't know when she dyed it or how but it was always jet black with an inch of white roots. No matter when we saw her, the roots were there and the rest was ink black. She took proud of her appearance and always wore lipstick, bright red lipstick that she painted on ( without the help of a mirror or eyesight worth a jot it would appear) she gave herself a cupid bow mouth and that lipstick went right up to her nose.
Turns out she would visit because mum would giver her some money for ..who knows what for and who cares, she would visit and off she would go for another week, my mum is such a kind soul.
So I looked at this dye and wondered if, should I use it, would I be like dotty old lady with the jet black hair, the answer to that question, having used the dye ( one box anyway) is YES! I DO! Sort of. H loves the colour and it is very shiny and sleek looking ( on my head, imagine that! ) It makes me jump when I see it although I'm sure it will be fine, I'm just used to the same old same old....sort of reddish light brown, slink into the back ground right over there, near a tree, sort of colour. I love that the conditioner makes my hair so soft when I colour it.
I hate that my poor head hates dye so much it itches til I am ready to scream. So much for the extra cost ( though not as costly as I imagined it would be) so much for plant extracts and fancy schmancy hippy dyes, my head is so itchy I am about to get the clippers out and shave my head so I can paste it with soothing steroid cream and sigh with relief. I think I even have blisters this time, and I never get that itchy with those breath taking chemicals! When I put this stuff on my head ( which was very sloppy and dribbly) it smelled like paint stripper, which seemed odd if it was made of plants and natural things, never did smell a tree that smells like paint stripper/ nail varnish remover yet. What price vanity?
The lovely man from the R.A.C came out and my car is all mended, for nothing but the monthly fee ( £18 I think) the clutch fluid was down and once he topped that up, we have gears and a car that works again, for which I am so grateful. I just can't stand the thought of any extra bills at the moment, it feels so good to be straight and breathing, sleeping at night ( really sleeping, about 6 hours, every night, this is marvellous I tell you) We have had a couple of weeks of enjoying shopping and not really penny pinching, it's time now to buckle down again and start watching what I do, more and more I dislike waste and we had become great at wasting very little. I thought yesterday that these little boys really don't know what it is to want something, that worries me, I don't think it's good to be deprived but these boys really do seem to have all they want and more, that doesn't always make good people.
It does us good to yearn sometimes, it is beneficial to need at times, it is essential to work for and feel a sense of achievement. I don't want these boys to grow up thinking everything is their right and taking for granted all that we have.
I also feel, as I begin to get better, that I need to find some way to give back so much of what I have been given.
I have so much, I have always been aware that I am rich in al the things that matter and I know that because of the experiences I have, I have much to offer. I am beginning to wonder how I can begin to repay for the good things that I have.
I want my children to grow up and look back, remembering bizarre old ladies who came on a tuesday because I had something to offer. I want them to reminisce and think of christmasses where they saw boxes and baskets being made but not knowing who they were for...we saw mysterious boxes of treats and gifts leaving our house at Christmas time and just knew they were for people who needed them, we were never told who those people were. We were poor growing up, we really were, there were so many children in our house, with foster children and all of us, but no matter how poor we may have been, we had more than enough of everything and there was always enough to share with someone else. I love that about my childhood. I want the same for my children.
I am so thrilled that H is feeling the same way, it would be difficult to do much if he wasn't of the same mind.
He is keen that our family become more aware of service and sharing, we just have to decide how we go about it.
I have been on the receiving end of such generosity and love that it takes my breath away at times, I think there are cycles that we live through. Sometimes we can give, other times we have to allow other people to be the givers...which is actually very difficult to feel comfortable with most times.
Sometimes I long to make such a huge difference in the world, I want to change the way people think, I want to make such an incredible impact on the world.....and then I realise that I am just me, I can only do what I can do and if what I can do is to help maybe one person, change perhaps one day in the life of somebody that needs it, what a blessing that would be.
The boys have been hard work today, it's been a day of feeling as though we have been trying to jeep a bucket full of eels contained, without a lid. One of those days. I am tired of trying to think of things they can do and think that tomorrow, we will turn the tables and have them do things that keep them busy and wear them out. There are some wonderful older ladies at church that could well use some buy boys to pick up in their gardens maybe. It will do them good to see that there is so much they can be doing that doesn't mean having others entertain them all the while.
We have had such windy weather here that everywhere you look there are leaves and litter....tomorrow I think we can get some black bags and go pick up litter.
Little things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the idea of changing the world, maybe we just need to change our world, the one we see every day and work our way outwards.
All this is so easy to say, at midnight, when they are asleep and the ideas are so good, when the morning comes and they are all on form, each one ready to make his own mess and mark on my world...well we'll see!
I am just feeling the need to do good things and make an impression on those little minds, other than endlessly sounding at the end of my patience.

Pictures and tales.

So, we're getting there, slowly but surely, settling in, belonging, relaxing, arranging and making our mark, never have I taken so long to make a home my own and yet, it was mine from the moment I stepped through the front door.
Pictures, I took some.....here they are for your close scrutiny and enjoyment.


Look at my heavenly bedroom, all cosy and nearly finished, I put the headboard up at last...only 4 inches too high for goodness sake, never mind, tomorrow is another day. Even so, I walk into this room and my whole being relaxes, I feel immediately safe and ready to sleep. It is warm and soft and H sits on the bed and says things like " Yep, this is a pretty neat room alright" which, really, that is such high praise from H, almost embarrassingly over the top for him.
H walked the boys to school ( oh joy) again today and after I said goodbye and made the boys beds, tidied a bit I went back to bed and woke up at noon. Glory be.

Now, this next picture tells such a happy tale, in that other house, the boys never played upstairs, ever. Not once did they take a toy up there, they went to bed and slept when H sat in their room with them until they fell asleep. So when Elijah had Hannah home to play today and I saw this...


My heart sang a bit, in fact quite beautifully and loudly and even in tune.


My kitchen that gets more lovely as the days go by, more loved and splendid and we are almost able to say that we know where everything goes, although H and I are still quietly having a battle of wills on where the paper towel should live ( not in the cupboard, who wants to root in a cupboard when the 6 year old throws a whole yoghurt over our guest? WHO? Not me, that's who)
In fact so beloved is my kitchen that I am going to post another picture.


Not sure that the fluffy covered hot water botles should live right there on that shelf right by the door but so far it works ( and will soon be warm enough to hide the HWBs until nest winter)
And so as not to leave Seth out, here is the picture I tried to take of his room, he had Lewis ( brother to Hannah and best friend to Seth, which means Seth and Eli both had a friend here today and Isaac, though disliking inviting his own friend, was very grumpy and quite naughty and then he was VERY naughty and threw the yoghurt, which multiplied about 35 times mid air until it hit..Lewis, the table, walls, Lewis again, floor, fireplace and Lewis, again.)
Anyway, Lewis was here and because 2 x seven year old boys together almost always ends in talk of bottoms ( and things like "take a shot of THAT then!" as trousers are threatened to be pulled down and lots of high pitched guffawing ensues) well because of that, I shot this picture, told them to keep their buttocks to themselves and high tailed it out of there, also, I didn't know that 7 year ols boys could smell so sweaty when they were playing basketball, after Isaac had thrown ALL the basketballs over the wall ( yeah have some fun with your buddy NOW!) They retreated to the bedroom to play with the indoor basketball hoop. Pheeeeeoooooooie, pew, had to open a window in there.



That's as far as we are, no more pictures until we have done some more, lovely to be taking our time and doing things at a leisurely pace.
I was so touched by Elijah as he welcomed Hannah into our home, as soon as she was in, he knelt down to take off her shoes, is he not the most divine and mannerly little man? No, he is not, he is a great big flossy , no sooner were the shoes off her feet than they were on his. I heard him say to her " hey lets duss play at drethin' up shall we?" and I nipped THAT in the bud because I KNEW he wanted her school skirt and tights ( of a soft, red woollen, style)
I know, I know, he's four, don't panic, it's a phase, he'll grow out of it, well maybe I should video the walk he does, that'd stop you in your tracks alright, he is a midget drag queen, he is. Also, glorious and only four, we can run with the skirts and sequin attraction for a while longer, though it's getting harder to find cute, mostly.
No news on the girl child, I suppose her phone is dead and needs recharging. No news is good news though, I hope.

The customer likes to surf the internet for 2 hours every day, watch soaps and go out with friends from church..

Yesterday Or last week or some time recently, I received a copy of all the paperwork that has been sent to the tribunal about my incapacity benefit, £35 a week in my benefits, given because I was deemed incapable to work. Last June I had to travel to see a random doctor, one I have never seen, heard of, or spoken to in my life. In august they stopped the £35 a week.
I had to go to Exeter which is 14 miles away, my appointment was just after 1pm so I left just before 9am, to drive 14 miles because I might get lost, or very lost, or so lost I would never get there.
When I arrived, I was called into a non descript room with a desk and some chairs. One side of a desk was a man, small in stature, who looked bored. He was ordering new tyres for his car while I sat opposite him and waited.
He asked some set questions that I answered in my own rambling way.

Q.Are you able to watch television?
A. Well yes, as long as it's rubbish, soaps maybe, I can't watch films or anything with a plot, I am completely unable to follow documentaries, so I suppose if I watch television it would be soaps or something that doesn't matter, that has nothing in it that requires thinking or concentrating.
( customer likes to watch soaps)

Q. Can you drive?
A. Yes, in fact I only feel safe in my car and my house, my space, the 2 places that I choose who can come in and who can't. I can drive it's when I have to get out of the car that the worries begin.
( customer is able to drive without problem)

Q. Do you have friends, can you enjoy going out?
A. Well, yes I have one or two friends that I have known since I was little, they understand me, if I can't talk, or talk too much, they understand. If I can't remember what a plate is called or where I parked the car, they help me laugh about it. I see them once or twice a week and if they ask me to go out, I can go, with them.
( customer enjoys meeting friends from church once or twice a week)

Q. Do you go on the internet?
A. Oh yes, the internet has saved my soul. I have a blog, it has been my saving grace. I write whatever I feel on that and tell complete strangers my deepest fears and saddest secrets, I can tell them because there is no pressure, they read, they sometimes say nice things and they are able to continue on with their lives without feeling obliged to help or solve my problems. My problems can't be solved but I can manage to express what I feel and feel some relief, it helps me get through another day,
( customer likes to surf the internet for 2 hours every day)
He wrote that ELEVEN times in the report. ELEVEN times.
First of all, can I say CUSTOMER? What? What am I buying? What service was I trying to obtain? Some kind of understanding about how my stupid head works? A modicum of compassion for how much pain is in my head and heart every single day I wake up and keep breathing?
Well then is there a customer services that I can call and complain because I certainly didn't get what I was after, did I?
When I got that letter, back in august to say that Dr Random had deemed me fit to work and that he had diagnosed me as mildly depressed, I was so incensed. So righteously indignant. I want to explain why. I wonder if I can.

I probably have to go back many years.
Back to when I was so gloriously ignorant, when I thought that the world was a nice place and terrible thing were in newspapers and in other peoples' lives.
In 3 months I had a baby, lost a husband to his need to find himself and have a selfish phase, moved house and had 2 children abducted and abused.
18 years ago, get over it.
You don't, get over it. You learn to accept it and force yourself to do every single tiny thing that life makes you do. Or you can curl up and die.
Most of me did die.
I have worked through so many ghosts and worries and in many ways I am better. I have come to accept ( though not like) that my head does not work the way it used to . Every single thing I do is enormous.
I do everything I should do, I do what I need to do, I do some things I want to and every single thing I do is an effort.
I have chest pains all the time, the cardiologist is sure that they are all due to stress, I agree. When I am worried about something ( which is all the time, every day) I hold my breath, I don't realise I am holding my breath until I do that exploding GAH! sound, ouch, hurts, must remember to breath.
For 5 months now, while I have been living in that stinking house with it's boarded up windows where some creep tried to break in the very first night we were there. I have been holding my breath, breathing in tiny little quiet breaths because then I will be able to hear.
My child woke me and told me someone was trying to get in. My child. What if he didn't hear? What if he didn't wake me, what if we didn't scare the creep away? What if, what if, what if?
So for 5 months I stay awake until 3 or 4am because then I know H will wake up soon with his poor neck, if he is awake I can sleep because then no-one will get these little boys.
While I am awake I breathe so quietly, so softly and take those gasping little breaths and I hear every sound. For 5 months.
When I moved here, I started to breathe again. Not consciously just did it, great big painful gulping breaths, but my lungs can't seem to get enough air in them and my chest hurts so terribly. My back hurts so badly. I can't breathe enough. No matter how hard I try.
And I am still doing. Still talking, still cooking, dressing, watching television, driving, making phone calls, even going out with a friend and thinking about that damned man who said I am mildly depressed with unkempt grooming . Unkempt??? When I read that little nugget yesterday, I was mildy annoyed and mildly entertained, today I am incredibly insulted. Stupid curly hair, can't help that although I try to tame it into a ponytail.
Also, he ticked the 'average build' box. Average my arse. I wish.
Who was he looking at? Who was he listening to?
Why do I mind so much that he didn't hear ( or care) what I obviously failed to say. I think because I don't want to be like this. I don't want to get through every day as though it is a battle. I don't want to be afraid of everything and everyone, I wish that I was mildly depressed and just blagging the whole unable to work thing. I wish it was as simple as that.
I am so good at convincng everyone that I am fine, that I am average and managing. I wing it, every day I do it I pat myself on the back and high five myself.
My body is trying to prove it's all a sham. When I grit my teeth and get through another crisis my skin erupts, the form says Urticaria, posh word for itching. If I don't take medicine every day, twice a day this happens.


and this



How about a bit of this...



Or some neck itching...


And the shoulder...


So, urticaria.
I have to go to a tribunal and have an oral hearing. Maybe I will be able to explain what my life is like, maybe I won't. I just know that my life is hard for me, even when it's good. I am endlessly waiting for the next nightmare. I might convince everyone I meet that I am hunky dory and just as peachy as can be. I just can't convince my own stupid self. Enough to make one mildly depressed I imagine.

Pictures, don't you just love them?

This was my front room last night, at midnight.



I dragged all the laundry, clean, ironed, unironed, not even folded, clothes, bedding...all of it into the front room because I could iron it and pack it, in handy rubbermaid type boxes and put it all right into the laundry room / airing cupboard/ middle of the hallway at the new house. Such a good plan.
Then H came home with the keys to the new house and that was SO much more exciting, must go NOW, must leave and have fun in the nice house, leave this cruddy old stink hole. So I did.
By the time I got back at 8pm, my bones ached, my hair hurt, my disposition was less than cheery. So at midnight it was still like that.
Today was a new day, filled with much business and stuff.
The only difference between last night and now, is that we have added dirty and discarded school uniforms, a few pairs of shoes and yoghurt splops.
The new house is lovely though. It wasn't so lovely, especially the cooker.


See what I mean, I know I am wont to exaggerate at times in order to make a dull story sound thrilling, or funny but I wasn't when I said this stove was revolting and cross making. Why do people not clean their stoves? I mean no-one likes doing it but what makes people think someone else will enjoy cleaning it when they have made it look like this?
Also, do you know that when your oven is dirty it throws your cooking all out of whack. Bake a cake in a dirty oven and it'll be uneven and burn in places and be raw in others. There now, that was almost a public service announcement on behalf of the renters who have to clean up after dirty buggers association. You're welcome.
But now...well now new house is pristine and beautiful and shiny. I set the heating and worked out the boilers, my husband and I worked in quiet coupledom making it gloriousness itself.
Look!! On the side in the kitchen



Safety check certificates, you know, like you're supposed to get when you rent a house!
This evening Isaac and I took a whole load of boxes 'round and filled the kitchen cupboards, brought the boxes home to fill up again.
Tomorrow,I am paying the final £670.50 and we can keep the keys, which means we can go for broke and take as much as we can fit in our car around, making monday all the more smooth and unstressified ( can you imagine what spell check makes of my blogging effort?)
H and I have decided that when we are on lovely new home we will come back here on tuesday and have a clean, not a scrub fest but a vacuum and floor swiping day. Several good reasons, we want to hold our heads up high, know that we behaved with integrity, we also think that when she comes over here to check it out, she is much more likely to feel obliged to return that deposit than if we leave a mess behind us.
What we won't do, is work to make it smell good. I want her to be hit by this acrid stench when she walks in. I want her to know what we have had to live with. I want her to see little puddles on the floor ( although we have had 3 blissfully dry and sunny days, ) I want her to have to breathe through her teeth when she walks in the hallway, bathroom and especially the playroom.
I am going to strip the lino out of the bathroom so she can't pretend that rotten hole isn't there.
I am leaving the oven because I am all black and baked on grimied out. This one is just not worth cleaning.
So, happy day. May there be many more of them.
Oh before I go, Jordan and Mel were looking at funny T-shirts the other day, trying to find one they had seen somewhere ( that was on a baby's shirt and said ' Spit on that tissue and I am so calling social services) and they found this one.....I am so easily amused, this had me laughing for, well so long I am still laughing about it.



I had an email when I woke up this morning from Jenn, who is my friend.....the title was 'why I like you' and she listed 5 things that she likes about me. Now that is a great way to start the day, it kept me on cloud nine all day. Thankyou Jenn.
Thankyou Julie, who is one of the sweetest and most generous friends anyone could ask for. She sent a gift that made all the difference. People are kind and things like that make me remember just how we have the opportunity to change lives, with even the smallest of gestures.
I believe that when we do what is right, or even when we do what we think is right, things have a way of working out for the best. Sometimes it is SO hard to stick to what is right. It just feels so much better to give 'em what they deserve. It would just be so much easier to go with the knee jerk reaction but we only grow when we fight against what comes easiest.
I am ready to start giving more. We go though phases in our lives when we have and some when we need. I am relieved to report that I think we are about to enter a period where we are in a 'have' phase which means we are able to give back some of what we have been given. What a relief that is!

Stuff and nonsense.

As I was running here and there today I was thinking a whole headload of random thoughts, as a special treat I thought I would share some of them with you ( if I can remember them)

It would seem that the holiday has cured my insomnia, and then some. Since we got back I have slept, on average NINE hours a night, like a regular person, if it weren't for school and church I think I would wake up around 11am. No kidding my body seems to have rediscovered sleep and it LIKES it. I noticed that when we were away my head and body was willing to stop, every night at an unheard of hour ( 8pm one night EIGHT O'CLOCK???) also, when you're away and you don't have all the comforts and conveniences of home, what can you do at 2am? No laptop ( H had his but none of my favourites were on it so no blogs and what not) I couldn't watch too much TV because I couldn't work the Telly and had no idea what channels were available, so may as well curl up in bed and read a good bo..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Every night! I think I broke my habit of staying up most of the night and then still waking up at 7am.
H has to wake me in the mornings, he is such a gentle man. If I wake somebody up I turn on the light and say "WAKEY WAKEY! " Mean cow.
H creeps in and kneels next to me and just strokes my arm while whispering the time. What is his reward for such gentleness? A big old gobfull of rancid morning breath as I sigh "OH NO...PLEASE not yet." I get up and as I make the bed I promise it that I will be back, as soon as the boys are at school, I'll be back because I'm not finished yet. Of course I take the boys to school and then I have to go somewhere or do something and then I come back here and there is always something to do ( although scrubbing and cleaning and getting the house ready to hand back? NOT A BIT OF IT! In fact I cooked the boys oven chips tonight for dinner and didn't put foil under them, just out them on a pizza tray and let those babies drip all over the stove because I DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN IT! If I cooked chips and baked every day until we leave that cooker is still going to be 37 times cleaner than when we moved in, I wept at that stove for 5 days while I scrubbed and scraped and steamed and soaked.
My tenancy ( which landlady is insistent we must stick to) quite clearly states that we must hand back the property in the same state in which we received it, allowing for normal wear and tear of course.
I will do my best.
I just called my brother in law and told him that should he need any lovely crunchy gravel we have £120 worth right outside our house, he is a landscape gardener, he is welcome to it. I will be so happy to give it away but not leave it here.
We have to sell the trampoline, which makes me a bit sad but if I can sell it in the next week or two that will help towards the £400 we are short on the deposit ( because greedy and stupid landlady is keeping ours, but not for ever, oh no, we will get it back and a lot more)
I plan on taking up the lovely lino in the bathroom and baring the rotting floor, for 2 reasons, the lino is mine and I doubt very much if she will fork out money to replace it, let that floor be visible so that any buyers or, heaven forbid, renters come along they will see what they are taking on.
It is terribly difficult NOT to be malicious, I could so easily really make life hard and the wicked and unchristian part of me REALLY wants to drop something heavy in the beautiful new white sink we put in the bathroom, or just take it with us and leave the old one sitting unplumbed on the bathroom floor. I want to do all manner of mean and spiteful things but the gracious and christian part of me knows that all that would do is bring me down to her level, it would make me a lesser person and actually, wouldn't even bother her too much because she just doesn't care, she'd just paint over it, cover it up and pass it onto some other unsuspecting dimwit. There are so many of us around.
I would love to carry out my furniture and leave dirty floors but I know that he pride instilled in me and the integrity passed down to me will win through and I will allow myself to walk away from here with my head held high ( and a stack of pictures to prove how marvellous I am and how lowdown and stupid landlady is) I am not cleaning that bloody oven though. No, I am not.

I went into the agency today and asked how things are going, Landlady isn't providing a reference ( what a surprise, I imagine she thinks that that will scupper our chances and we will be stuck here handing over £750 a month, not even if I have to find a caravan to stay in!!)
The agency said that they have called the referencing people and told them that THEY will be our reference, that they accept us without her saying a word. Marvellous. Now I imagine they are contacting the lovely Annie, who is our guarantor and it'll be all systems go. Oh please!
Tomorrow, I am headed to the Citizens advice bureau, they are the people with all the know who will help me go through the county court procedure to sue landlady for the deposit x 3, the hassle etc. I hope that I can report some progress tomorrow.

Oh a funny, the gas company keep sending someone to check the boiler ( very important, we are glad to have this done) the thing is, they keep coming and just putting a card through the door, we have been IN the last 2 times they have been but they don't ring the bell, so we don't know they are here.
I called and got some hopeless twit on the other end, who said he couldn't help me without the reference number, the man leaving the cards just wrote 4 numbers down...not enough,not the correct number I MUST HAVE THE CORRECT NUMBER. So, I emailed because their website said I could an someone would give me an appointment, all would be fine. This is the exact email ( except I took off my address and phone numbers, I am sensible in some things, if not all)


I have had 2 cards through my door, telling me that a safety check person has been and missed me, both times I was actually at home, but for some bizarre reason your safety check person did not ring the bell, so I called your number and quoted the ref number written on the card by the non bell ringing safety check person, who, it would seem ,got bored when writing the reference number and only wrote 8500, when on the phone I was told that this was not long enough! It is WRONG...well,perhaps it is but it's the only number I have ( we have a key meter so no bills) I wonder, if I email a convenient time and my address would we get a man who rings bells and writes full numbers and is able to check that the gas boiler in my horrible rented home is safe?

We're moving out in 2 1/2 weeks, we would like to know before we go that we have been living with a boiler not liable to explode, everything else in this house is condemned,the lights turn themselves on and off, the roof leaks, the bathroom floor is falling in, yet we still have to pay £750 to live here, we would feel a little mollified if at least the boiler isn't slowly killing us. Our landlady frequently forgets things like safety checks and tenancy agreements, maybe she forgot that this gas boiler is unsafe?

My address is, Here but not for much longer HOORAH!.
Telephone, either the one in the house or the one in my handbag.


There is always someone in during the afternoon, if your safety meter man rings the bell, we will let him in and even be friendly and courteous, in fact we will be so pleased to see him we may even embarrass ourselves in our enthusiastic welcome. So, any afternoon is great, even mornings, if we KNOW you are calling, we'll wait in especially, just tell us when and what time and we will be here.
You just have to ring the bell because otherwise we won't know you are there, outside in this inclement weather and we will be forced to tut and sigh and mutter about finding another card saying you have been when WE WERE HERE!
Thankyou, in anticipation. Helen


Random thoughts.
I had a wonderful experience today. I went to the supermarket, and I remembered to hand in my prescription BEFORE I did my shopping and THEN, I remembered to collect it when I had finished, this is HUGE for me.
I'll help you understand.
I just had a lovely bath, better shave my legs.....HA! Obviously for the last 2 or 3 times I have shaved my legs I shaved the right one and then got sidetracked ( How? In the bath? in between lathering up, shaving and rinsing one leg, what could possibly happen to make me forget to do the other one? You tell me! ) so the fact that I remembered to drop off, shop, then collect the prescription is a big deal indeed!

I forget what the other thoughts were....see? Hopeless.

deja vu x two.

It feels sort of familiar, this feeling I have. The looking at my cupboards and thinking " won't need to buy any more of that til we are in the new house" hearing H say " I guess we need to start eating what we have here huh? Use some of these supplies" Looking at all our stuff and thinking about boxes and such like ( the great thing about having hated this house and never feeling at home is that I haven't unpacked much at all, everything is still boxed up and stored in the hokey flat.
I am looking at all the furniture and wondering what we can dump before we move ( took a load to the tip this very morning!)
I am, despite stupid and unhelpful landlady, incredibly happy when I think of this move. I have done some homework ( even more, already knew what I needed to know but found some GREAT stuff that I can use) Things are in our favour. Most definitely.


For instance

Maintenance and repairs - under the Act, you are obliged to maintain the structure and exterior of your property, maintain all water supplies and sanitary and drainage installations and ensure that all sinks, baths, showers, toilets etc. are fit to use. You must also provide and maintain adequate lighting, heating and ventilation and treat any incidences of damp

You think? What do you reckon she should have done about the pouring water in the front room 4 months ago when I wrote and asked her ( and have copies of the letter to prove that) What about the fact that WE had to replace the sink because it was so cracked and filthy I couldn't use it? What about the fact that when we empty our kitchen sink or washing machine the water runs out into the stream outside....you think THAT is legal?

How about


Safety of any gas and electrical appliances - The Gas Safety (Installation and Use) Regulations 1994 stipulate that you must maintain all gas appliances and arrange and pay for an annual service/safety check by a CORGI (Council for Registered Gas Installers) approved engineer. You must give the tenant(s) a copy of the safety certificate.

Nope, hasn't happened, have no certificate.

Fire safety of the furnishings and building - You must also ensure that any electrical appliances you supply are safe to use

Lights in the kitchen turn themselves on and off ALL ON THEIR OWN!

My favourite though.......

If your landlord or agent has not protected your deposit, they will be ordered to repay three times the amount of the deposit to you

And this bit is really great

Tenancies from before 6 April 2007
This only applies to tenancies that are created from 6 April 2007. Tenancies started before this date are not affected.
However, if your have been a tenant for some time and then sign a new assured shorthold tenancy agreement after 6 April 2007 for the property you are living in, you will be covered by Tenancy Deposit Protection.

BINGO! This is why she said " you need to do your homework girlie ( girlie??!) I don't need to invest your deposit because you gave me that money before the law came out" Well lady, looks like YOU should have done YOUR homework because ( can you believe this?) she has so many properties, a few tenants ( though fewer that ever before) and she runs an estate agency dealing with rental properties and SHE didn't know this??? Me thinks a rude awakening is coming her way.

So yes, I think I am well within my rights to feel a little sure of myself.
The knowledge that I do not have to lift a finger to clean this place also fills me with much happiness. In fact......everywhere I look read that I should ensure that the property is left in the same condition that it was let to us. Imagine.
How would I find 3 sacks of rubble to dump on the hall carpet? Don't even think about passing enough poop to smear all over the bathroom, where would I get a thick film of black fur for the shower? Not enough time to make 3 inches of fat and grease to smear on the stove. Darn it, hope she won't be too upset that the house won't be in the same condition.

Today has been a pretty good day. The eating well has been a bit half hearted, have stuck with it but not feeling as determined and forward thinking as I could be, my sister in law emailed me a ton of pictures taken while we were there. I was so sure I avoided all cameras. Oh dear.....still, great for the 'before' shots if I ever get to a place where there are some 'after' ones.
I hate seeing that I went so far past just a chubby thing or overweight, darn it.....getting thin from a proper fat person is SO hard and will take SO long! Oh well, been there and done that and can do it again.
Church tomorrow, I hope we all wake up, we're still all over the place, waking up late, wanting a nap half way through the day, staying up late. Back to school on monday, Eli in his uniform. It's been 5 weeks since they were at school, that's a long time. They seem a bit nervous but that's fine, we'll take them anyway and tell them how lucky they are whilst trying not to skip until they are out of view! I shall take pictures of my littlest boy in his big classroom. New beginnings, marvellous.

And today...

My news for the day is as follows,
My daughter has found a new 'place'
With a man in his mid to late 40s
With tattoos covering half of his face.

My house is a scene of destruction
Filled with laundry and toys old and new
These 3 kids are a gaggle of crazy
Quiet times are both precious and few.

On top of all this, is a new thing
Something awful to me, something tough,
When I tell you what this other thing is
You will see why I'm finding it rough.

I think we are moving one more time
I do hope that we manage this move
To a house that I found that is perfect
And will allow me to follow my groove.

Three times did we move in the last year
I am sick of the whole bloody game
But the house we are in is so awful
I am willing to do it again.

This house has a smell that is evil,
It has rotten and springy old floors
It has carpets that make my poor feet itch
And we can't shut but half of the doors.

The landlady,well she's just hopeless
Holding hands out for more and more cash
When we call with a list of requirements
She invariably says she must dash.

We have ceilings with holes that are leaking,
We have water that pours on our face
When we just try and sit watching telly
Please Lord, help us get out of this place.

The new house is lovely and special,
I walked in and just knew it was home.
IF we get it, we'll stay and we'll settle,
Never more will we have need to roam.

It is big and has nice cheery bedrooms,
It is friendly and light, spacious too.
The best and most precious of pointers
Is it doesn't at ALL smell of poo.

It has parking that is built just for MY car
Has a workshop for H and what's more
It has carpet that looks kind of jazzy
And what's more, not a hole in the floor.

It has showers that work and a toilet
That is all on it's on so you see,
When I lie in the tub with my bubbles
Eli can go right on in and then pee.

It has courtyards to put all my tubs on,
A utility room just for me
I'm not sure why my H couldn't use it
Just seems that's the way it will be.

So I'm asking, if you all wouldn't mind please
For a prayer, or some vibes or a thought
That our lives take a turn for the better
That we live in this house that we sought.

Tomorrow a nice girl called Sally,
Will call the new owner and say
That we're splendid, she knows us and she'll vouch
That she knows that our rent we will pay.

She's been our house agent before now
And she likes us and thinks we are grand
And if she can persuade the new owner
We will soon have the keys in our hand.

Once more we will pack up our boxes
And the bags and the furniture too
And we'll hire a truck and we'll move out
Then we'll move right on into the new.

I am thanking you all in advance now
For praying or thinking and all that.
Then I'm sure that we'll get what we ask for
A new place we can hang up our hat.

Oh,I have managed to fix my old washer,
It's filter was filled with old crap,
I googled what could be the problem
And fixed it, without any 'chap'

Yes, I did it myself, I am clever,
I am marvellous, bright and switched on,
Now it empties and spins and I'm happy
That the huge laundry pile is gone.

I got down on my knees and I studied,
That washer, every last little bit,
And I found where the filter was hidden
And oh my would you look at this shit!



Yes, indeed that WAS all in the filter,
Blocking every drop from escape,
It's no wonder that thing wouldn't empty
When I saw that my mouth was agape!

When I saw that small figure with arms up,
I thought he was laughing at me,
Til I saw that it had to be Jesus
Because of that cross..can you see?

I cannot believe there are sticks there
And some plastic and money as well.
There's a sticker,there's blues clues and look there!
There's even some fingers..oh Hell!

Never mind though because I have done it,
I mended it, made it like new.
I am feeling incredibly happy, I am thrilled
Yes, I'm thrilled through and through.

There is some news that I just cannot share yet,
Though it's burning a hole in my head.
You will just have to wait for while yet,
Til I'm told that it's fine to be said.

Don't you hate it when people will do that?
When they give you a snippet and run?
I admit that I hate when YOU do that
When I do it though, it feels sort of fun.

Oh well I think it is time now,
To go up to bed and to sleep.
Don't forget when you say your goodnight prayers
To ask that the house will be ours soon to keep.

I am never quite sure how to end these,
These poems I write all the time,
So I'll just say goodnight and then hope that
I can make the last line fit with rhyme.

( Yeay I did !!)

Jet lag......I think I like it.

Who said Jet lag was a bad thing? Last night the boys went to bed at 8pm, they woke up at today at NOON! I woke up at 10.20am, couldn't move, my back had seized up, so unaccustomed to being in one position for so long it was screaming it's complaint!
I ran around like a headless chicken, shopping and getting gas and electricity keys and cards charged so we can be warm and have lights and things, buying stashes of slimfast because I am SO ready to get back on the straight and narrow. ( Grandpa's scales said I lost 10lbs over there and my scales say the same thing! We ate very well but I had no sweets, no chocolate apart from a few quality street, no bread and no chips......hoorah!) I have a small person to lose, I am uncomfortable and intend to be able to smile when holding my grandbaby and having pictures taken of me with him/her.
Did I tidy the house ( nope)
Did I put anymore of this piled up stuff away ( nope well maybe a bit but you'd never know it!)
Did I find myself nodding off whilst upright but still? ( why yes, I did, thankyou for asking, it makes me laugh because that is such an old lady thing to do)
Isaac came with me on every trip, he is such a helpful boy, he really does help, not tag along and get in the way, he is a joy to take with me. ( Usually!) I wish he would stop running away, he shoots off to get to the next task and I hold my breath in case he gets into bother.
AT LAX, huge airport he wanted the bathroom and when we got there, he refuse to come with me into the Ladies, he just ran right into the men's toilet, on his own and then would NOT come out, I stood yelling his name and the little bugger ignored me, I was about to ask a random traveller to go and get him when he came skulking out with a face like thunder.
So, everyone is in bed and I think I might join them. While we were away I went to bed ridiculously early and slept beautifully, I am going to try and keep going to bed at a good hour instead of that stupid 3am nonsense.
I wonder how long the sleeping in will last? Heaven.

Liberating, that's what that was.

Today I did it. Really, no kidding- I actually did it. For real.
I gave up. Ha! Just like that.
I forget ( because my brain is a farty old lump of pooh) how much I have written about landlady, do nothing. She does nothing, apart from expect money, when she doesn't deserve it.
I was in touch with the good old Citizens advice bureau, because they have all kinds of marvellous people who know the law and they tell you what you can and can't do and even represent you, for nothing. I wanted ( so desperately ) to tell me that she ( landlady) is out of line and I am right and NA NA NA NA NA....up your bum landlady, etc.Tell me that we have every right to withhold that £160 that she has bloody well stolen from us. Was going great, the thing about the C.A.B is that it is run by volunteers who have stopped working but are still so useful that they feel obliged to keep doing what they do, my dad worked for them, with probationers and such like, so when you talk to someone they are, more often than not, elderly and well educated and they speak exactly the way I adore.
Today's lady (and she really was a lady, I could tell) was no exception. I think she was wearing tweed and pearls and she said things like " beg pardon? Would you say that again because I simply cannot believe what you are telling me" and she used words like "ludicrous" which made me love her without ever seeing her ( which is no new thing, I loved H online before I met him, because he used to say things like ma'am and with that voice, I was caught, hook line and sinker and look where that got me. )
Anyway, she was definitely on my side and was telling me everything I wanted to hear, I had to go and collect the boys that aren't puking from school, so she went off to find out exactly where we stand and would call back.
She probably called my dad in heaven or some other old fart that knows the law properly and not just the way it bloody well should be because actually the C.A.B does not recommend we withhold the money from our rent, they suggest we spend money to take her to the small claims court.
Landlady who does nothing, suddenly wants to do everything and can she have a key while we are away because......HELL NO!
As if.
There is absolutely no way she is coming into this house while we are away. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her ( which, actually is probably quite a long way I am so mad at her) and she isn't have access to my home while I am not here. 3 months of asking her to get a move on an dfix the leaking roof and the bathroom floor and she has done NOTHING, now she wants our key while we are in a whole other country?
Padlocks, double locks and absolutely NO WAY is she coming in.
I am going to have to use my caller I.D and avoid her calls and not answer the door for the next week.
Oh...I digress, anyway having had the crushing news that I can't keep my own money and stick a finger up at her, I wasn't in the best mood and wouldn't you know it, she called, I answered, heard her voice and said " Oh, can I hand you over to H?" Which flummoxed them both.....especially as I handed H the phone and said " landlady, can't be bothered...." I heard her stuttering and saw his face and I felt so free and fabulous, I knew that I would be doing that again, yes indeed.
H told her ( when she asked if I was OK) that I was fine, er, hmmmmm, stressed I think, kids and such like" and he did it, he dealt with her and no-one died, the sky didn't fall in.
Well, what do you know?
It's our anniversary today, 8 years. Yes. That's about it, that's all, it just is...flowers? No. Jewels? Ha! Card? Don't be daft. Just 8 years. Pttttttttthhhhhh.

Ferrrr burfumpt schumblerp.....

Ever felt like that? Like your whole brain ( that I actually typed as bnria, so muddled is mine) is a big old fluffy mass of uselessness? You open your mouth to say something intelligent ( or at least hope to) and complete nonsense comes out, or crying. Crying comes out when I think I am about to ask the time.
" Excuse me, do you have the ......." wail, burp, cry.
" Would you pass me the, um, that...er, that round thing you put your sandwich on?"
I haver reached the point where when asked a question that is too difficult to answer ( like say, What's your name?) I just give a hopeless look and say, with all honestly " I have no idea, I can't speak anymore, stop talking to me"
I am falling desperately short on most everything I need to function.
I might even type this and NOT correct it so you can see just how fumblingly stupid I am at the moment. Maybe just a paragraph, so you can get the gist of my idiocy.
Sophie is here, well in the vicinity. Having given her notice in at her job ( and home of course) in 2 weeks she will lvea ( that should say leave but my brain farted in fear and made it come out like that) and then what? Oh, we'll be on our holidays ( having been on a plane and stayed on it for TEN HOURS) so ....it'll be Christmas too and she will be.....
It's ok, SHE FUCKING KNOWS! ALRIGHT???? That's OK then. We'll see the dcotor ( quaint that I typed that wrong, makes him seem as real as the rest of us to be a dcotor) on monday and he will help one of us, preferably me because Sophie...she's ABSOLUTELY FINE, for God's sake shut up.
I went out with my friend today, I did ask her ( Jane, my friend) what I would do without her because we get stuff off our chests, she has TWO teenage girls, not quite as mad as Sophie but every bit as teenagerish and mouthy, she has a stupid ex husband and she can tell me about him as often as she likes, I can cry and tell her everything...and when we got back from shopping and were waiting in the car we played a new game. It's the game with no name as yet, but it starts with me going.." OW!" and then pulling up my right sleeve and saying
" WATCH!!!! LOOK!!! Feel it, no really ( I insist!))...FEEL it, ARGH look! !" and she does because she is my friend and she is polite. Then we watch and feel my arm as it changes shape and colour and as it gets HOTTER than hell. This one is painful and ugly and itchy and so sore. Poor me.
Sophie has ( she says) found a place to live, just 12 hours showed us both that there is no going back, she can't live with us, we would all be insane within days ( hours /minutes/ at the very idea) She will find work but who can tell how long it will last. I think it helps me a little to know for sure that she can't help many of the things she does. An example, she called yesterday ( as she does) to tell me how proud of her I would be. Here's why.....
She works in a large, old, somewhat grand hotel, she cleans. She was cleaning on the 2nd floor and by some quirk, apparently, if you are in one particular spot in floor 2, you can hear, as clear as a bell, people on the first floor, talking. ( you know what's coming, right?) So she was cleaning and she heard 2 girls she works with talking, on the floor below, about her. Not singing her praises or saying anything nice. Oh dear.
So..here's the bit. She didn't go and smack them in the mouth ( YEAY!) She just opened her mouth and yelled ( from the 2nd floor of sort of almost grand but already expensive Hotel)
" I want you to know I can hear every fucking word you bitches are saying about me!!!!!" ( I should type that in caps but the F word....let's not shout that one)
" Sophie" said I " what do you think the guests thought about that?"
"Oh they wouldn't have heard me"
Then she went on to say how she made sure that the rest of the staff knew about these girls, and that she made sure they knew, without a doubt that she was not pleased. Then she came here.
She is amazed that since she handed in her notice, no-one has given her a hard time at work, no more nagging or correcting or anything....fancy that!
( I can almost hear them counting down the days until peace is restored and calmness is once again commonplace in the work force.)
The thing is, she has no clue, not even a hint of anything being amiss. She honestly thinks that all this is perfectly fine.
I have wept and howled over this the past few days because every mother wants her child to be loved and wanted. All I see is the Sophie effect. When she was 5 she would run into the playground and it was like watching the reaction you get when pouring dish soap onto a pan of oily water.......those kids scattered in fear at the sight of her. She still has that effect......it's terror, or something. Even when she is on a high it is exhausting, when she is angry it is breathtakingly terrifying.
Lately I have been able to see the glory that is Sophie, she has the most endearing qualities that are clearer to see and easier to appreciate from a distance. When she lived with us it was a relentless battle, every day, every night was like being slammed into a wall. I couldn't wait to see her last night and when she arrived I was so afraid of what could happen I froze. When she snuggled on the sofa, having been fed and given a hot water bottle ( source of much comfort did you all go out and buy one yet?) she said, in her dear voice ( when used at level 4 and under) " You have no idea how good it feels to be here, in a home, instead of that place"
And the thing is, I DO know. I WANT her to feel like that and I want more than anything for her to be able to live here and be a part of this family, to leave only when she is going to be married and settled. I am so sad and so angry that this one girl of mine is struck with this curse that makes it impossible to be here with me. I have to turn her out and make her face the world because she is unable or unwilling to compromise even a little.
Whatever the cause, it just is this way. My doctor sat and said over and over again that I must not give in and let her come home. I have to keep repeating over and over that SHE has made herself jobless and homeless. She HAD a place to live and was safe and fed. She HAD a job ( two actually) and now she doesn't. SHE chose that. When I asked her why, after being told repeatedly not to hand in her notice until she had a new job and a new place to live, when after promising to save every penny for a deposit on a flat, she had frittered every penny away, she had no answer, except " because I can't bloody stand it anymore"
The thing is, I can't either. I can't keep picking up the pieces and handing her another life to smash. I have to stand firm and keep repeating myself. The fact that she is 18 makes it marginally easier to stick with it. Not much though.

The new car is ready. £230 ..which is still much less than fixing the old one would have been, it will cost much less that the old one to run, it's just £80 more than we got for the old one and then we need another £60 to tax it.

I haven't secured a way to get to the airport yet ( 4 hours away, probably the bus) I haven't secure a way to get from the airport in LA to the hotel yet, my brain is farting and my heart is flagging. I need a fairy Godmother. Or a holiday to give me the strength to arrange the holiday! Other than that it's all just hunky dory.
Do you want to hear about my thanksgiving dinner of the mutilated kind? Maybe another day, I'm all written out and ready for a nap.
Before I go though, these make life worth living again.....I have never quite been so enamoured of a pair of slippers...

But these are a little piece of heaven on my feet. I love them.