Out with the old.....

Who can believe it? Another year over, what a year it has been for me. A happy one, truth be told, filled with joyous and incredible things.

A grandbaby, let's face it, nothing can top that can it? He was born in June and I felt my life change, there is something about being a grandma that makes life alright.







What a sweet boy he is, from the very beginning he was a gentle and funny boy and now, at the grand old age of 6 months, he is still as sweet and he is definitely funny and he is not a pushover, he knows what he likes and he isn't afraid to let everyone know if he doesn't like something. I put him to bed last night, while I was babysitting and I am not ashamed to say I had a little weep, as I sat next to his cot and stroked his face, watching him so secure and obviously completely used to being loved and safe, being the centre of the world he lives in, I couldn't help but think of all the babies who aren't safe, who don't take being loved and protected, warm and fed for granted. How blessed I feel to have the life I have.







The boys have changed so much this year, Seth is such a character, he is so funny and has a quick wit, a fiery temper and rarely a day passes without him making me laugh fit to bust or roar in frustration...often he can make me do both.







Isaac has come on in leaps and bounds, he has worked to hard to adapt at school, he is more sociable and every bit as obsessive as ever, delicious and loving, always my heart boy.



He so wanted a real bow tie for Christmas, not a ready tied one, a real actual mans one...



Which daddy helped him tie and when done, one side was a millimetre longer than the other and that was BAD we could absolutely NOT be seen in public with it, TAKE IT OFF and never show it to me again, in fact do not mention it, ever again, thankyou.







Elijah is getting so tall, he has left behind his days of frilly and feminine loves. He laughs at any suggestion that he might enjoy High school musical 3, he is horrified at the very mention of high hells or pink t shirts....a part of me is more sad about that than I imagined I would be, because I could not, even for a moment could I imagine that he would ever grow out of that stage!











can you appreciate those shoe properly? Let me give you a close up...and look hoe he crosses his legs to show them off! This was no quick phase, the boy loved shoes!







He grew out of that pretty much overnight, when he turned 5, when he became a big boy and left such foolish nonsense behind him. These days it's all Ben 10 and toilet humour....as it should be, where would be without talk of farts and lavatories?



Two trips to Boston, June and December, to see friends, such lovely women who make me laugh and cry, who show me what true friendship is all about. Women who know me and know more about me than even people who live close by, perhaps even more than family because sometimes we keep things from family to protect them and keep them from feeling they need to fix us.

I love that these women know the real me, warts and all and still like me. They can say what they feel and they hear what I have to say, they hear what my heart is saying when my mouth gets the words wrong. As I grow older I see more and more that true friendship is about more than trite words and back patting. It is about saying what you feel and meaning what you say and knowing that what you say will be heard and understood.

I am so grateful to have a husband who encourages me to go on these trips, I am thrilled that I make myself get on the plane and also that I can trust H to look after the boys when I am away. He doesn't do things the way I do them and it is wonderful to know that the world doesn't collapse without me micro-managing everything. If I trust him enough to leave him in charge, I trust him enough to do it his way ( and then I can undo the bits I don't like when I get home!) It was very touching to hear him say that he didn't do well without me, that is as close as it gets to hearing how important I am!

I like that we don't need to call and check up endless times a day, I don't have to tell him what to do or how to do it, he doesn't need to ask if I am missing him, I know the boys won't fall apart from lack of a bath or eating pasta 2 days in a row and watching a day of Simpsons.

I like this man I am married to and I am so glad to feel so secure in his love for me and mine for him. I didn't believe I would ever trust a man again after the first one, how well the Lord knows me that He sent this extraordinary man my way and how well He knows H that he made sure he met me.....no accident at all I am sure.



I am slowly and surely fighting through the demons that have held me so tightly for so long. They are still there and I am beginning to accept that this is the case, it isn't the end of the world, how I deal with it is what matters. By explaining to those close to me, how I feel, I feel that I am taking steps in the right direction.

Grandpa has left this evening, his flight is tomorrow morning which meant getting a bus just after midnight, H always goes with him and this time, they took Seth as well.

In the past I would keep quiet and suffer the most terrible anxiety, have chest pains, I would imagine every terrible scenario and how I would deal with it when ( not if, ) it happened.

What I do now is to say things like " H, I have to say this, just to stop me worrying, just let me say it and know that it is for me, not because I actually believe I have to say it....when you are in London, will you make sure that you can see Seth all the time, you won't leave him in the museum while you go to the apple store will you?" ( to which H raises his eyebrows and laughs because really, what answer does he think I need ?)

I gave H my cell phone and wrote the number on a piece of paper, it is in Seth's wallet which is clipped to his jeans. He knows if he is separated from H, he is to find a family or a woman with children and explain that he is lost and to call the cell phone ( and of course I have to say out loud " But you won't get lost because you will stay with daddy the whole time won't you?" ) I will still worry, I will still jerk awake all night and imagine all the things that can happen but I didn't stop him going, I didn't make an excuse to keep him home with me. Progress indeed.





Everyone is very patient with me, if mum has the boys she listens to me say things like...actually, I don't have to say anything to mum anymore because she knows every one of my quirks and she never ever breaks one of them, she is glorious.

I talk more about the things that scare me ( which are multiple and annoying)

For the first time in so long I can't even think of a time when I felt this way, I am looking forward to the new year, I feel so much more in control of how my life can be. So many,many years have passed feeling as though I have no say in what happens to me, really believing that I have no choice but to accept whatever comes my way and just hoping that somehow, someone will make it all better for me.

No-one can ever make life better for us, people can add to our lives, they can increase our joy, they can enrich and enliven but ultimately it is just up to us to make our joy.

Whenever we wait for someone to make it all right, when we expect others to bring us happiness it is almost certain that we will be disappointed. The years I have harboured anger towards H because he wasn't saying or doing what I thought I needed him to say or do, (too many years)

The resentment because even God didn't send an angel to make me happy, there wasn't a fairy Godmother waving a wand and telling me what to do.

I needed to make me happy.

Even knowing that it could well take as many years to get there as it took to become so sad, just understanding who is responsible for my joy makes it seem closer. It is closer.

So often our sadness is the result of other people and their actions, things that we can't control, I see now that there is always some way for me to change how those actions affect me. There isn't a magic cure, there isn't a quick and easy answer, it will be a lifelong work in progress.

Likewise the work on my poor body, how hard I have punished my body in an effort to numb my mind, the body would hurt, ache, react badly, my head would feel worse....what a cycle. The changes I have made this year have made such a difference, even this week of ridiculous eating, I have felt how adversely it affects my moods. I am so glad to see how much control I have over my life now in comparison to the beginning of this year, I so wish I could peek into the future and see the different ways I could be feeling this time next year. Will I have made great changes and be shouting from the rooftops about how incredible it feels to have beaten the odds, or will I be sitting here saying how possible all the changes are? I so hope that I am spouting about how great things are and how I took control and changed it all for me and mine.

Shall we take bets?

I am so excited for this next year, my greatest joy this year has been seeing Sophie become such a joy, to see her so happy and begin to realise that who she is, is beautiful. That she doesn't need to perfrom, she doesn't need to pretend or hide, she can just be the funny, loud, loving person she is and be loved. She is changing every day, growing, she is like a butterfly.....I am so thrilled to be her mother. Each day that passes I believe more and more that she is laeving the old world behind her , that she has seen what can be and wants it, that she doesn't need all the junk she filled her emptiness with, she is learning so much sooner than I did that she controls her destiny and the universe is hers to enjoy.











I am going to actively pursue happiness next year, I am going to stop waiting for the good life and go out and get it.

I am going to work hard to change the things I don't like and accept the things I can't change.

I am going to give more and expect less.

I am going to be kinder to myself and more compassionate to others.

I will strengthen my strengths and my weaknesses.

I will follow the example H leads and continue to build our family in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father, teach by example and learn with humility.

It will be a great year.

And you know I will tell you every last detail!

Oh and in the pursuit of happy-ness .... comments, they work every time. Thankyou.