If you can't join 'em....

So, here's what's happening in my head lately ( you've been longing to know I can tell!)
I've been sad and all kinds of stupid if the truth be known. In fact, I can't even begin to explain what is going on in my mind because every time I start to write I get on my own nerves and after sitting here for an hour or more whining and bleating on about all the woe and dear oh dears I delete it and tell myself to shut up for heavens sake.
I've been sad because my friends are all planning to meet up, this time in Canada...so many people going to this one and I am not. Poor little Nelly no mates, actually Helen Hellavalotta mates but doesn't want to keep flying across the world to see them to be more precise.
I love my friends, I do, flying to Boston, twice last year was such a big deal and so glorious but it pretty much wiped me out, all that angst and fretting, the sweating and heaving and the what if I die and leave my children without a mother or what if THEY die while I am away being all carefree and selfish? Dear life that's draining!
It IS such fun though, such laughter and joy, such undiluted happiness and pampering ( because there isn't anything more splendid and pampering to me than leaving a room untidy and coming back to find it spotless and your bed all clean and crisp and waiting for you to just get right back into it)
It's funny because when I suggest that maybe people come here...well, it is always met by such surprise and everyone says how they will have to save and plan and it would take a year or two and .... and then I sort of snicker because I wonder if my lovely friends have ever realised that ( come a little closer and I will whisper) guess what!
It's as far from here to there as it is from there to here and it costs the same to get there as it does to get here...
I KNOW.....incredible isn't it? I will grant you that once you get here it costs more and is much less satisfying in a value for money kind of way but I know stuff, I can wangle the whole do it for less thing, I am good at it.
Also, I know I bleat on about it but I am really REALLY afraid of flying and for some ridiculous reason, the more I do it, the more afraid I am, so having done it twice last year, once the year before...I'm just about as pukingly phobic as it is it possible to be right now.
So, I have been sad and wistful, wishing and trying so hard to get the hell over it, I have tried, seriously tried 4 times to book a flight anyway...and I can't.
I made the decision NOT to fly, to simply accept that I can't do it this time and I wrote that decision down here and I can't tell you what a relief that was, phew, big old gobs of breath in and a heavenly exhale of air out.
I have reached the stage now, having made the decision once and for all that any trips this year are not going to happen, where I can read about the plans and excitement my friends are feeling and just be excited for them without feeling like I am the poor relation.
However, who could not want to have some more of that fun.....I sat here yesterday chatting with H ( I know, should nip that in the bud pretty soon, he even talked back at one stage) and for heavens sake, what should I remember but I have friends HERE too...lovely ones and funny ones and even family, all of who would love to have some fun too. So, I started to email and message some of those glorious ladies and suggest that we have a trip right here! England, no planes or anything.... genius isn't it?
So far there appears to be great excitement, we are thinking of September because many of those who would love to come will need to save and make arrangements but just having a tentative plan is a happy thing.
It's incredible to me that I see my friends here so little, we are so close and yet we forget to meet up and catch up, real life gets in the way and weeks go by without us chatting or seeing each other, my sister lives 3 minutes away and I perhaps see her once a week, in passing, at church, that's ridiculous isn't it? So I plan to change all that and make it a priority to see my family and my friends and to try and make sure we remember how much we like each other.
I am also ( not sure when though, so far this week I have managed to talk myself out of it every day) going to go to the doctor and discuss whether I should go back on some kind of medication for a while. I don't think I have ever been as anxious as I am right now, I can have a panic attack, full blown hyperventilating, chest squeezing attacks that can last all day, a whole DAY...for no reason that I can think of. Nothing but the what ifs. Get ready to go to church...uncontrolled crying jag, alone in the front room at night...chest pains that feel so real I have called Sophie home so if I die she can ...she can um, what? watch me? Who knows why I make her come home, I just do. I have waited to see if I am just having a bad week and I am...one after the other, I don't want anymore thankyou.
I also don't want to take medication but sometimes I think it's a must. The alternative is to find a chinese man with needles and mean hands again ... nothing has ever helped as much as that acupuncture and acupressure, the clinic I went to originally has closed but there must be another one around here somewhere. That would be good for a few blog posts, last time was a laugh a minute if I recall, all in the name of blogging, I am quite willing to endure the pain and humiliation again, especially if the result is the same. The trouble is, meds are free, needles and what not, very not free, lots and lots of not free. Pttttthhhhhhh.
So, happy plans afoot, something to look forward to...always a marvellous thing. If you can't join 'em ..... copy 'em I say!

Out with the old.....

Who can believe it? Another year over, what a year it has been for me. A happy one, truth be told, filled with joyous and incredible things.

A grandbaby, let's face it, nothing can top that can it? He was born in June and I felt my life change, there is something about being a grandma that makes life alright.







What a sweet boy he is, from the very beginning he was a gentle and funny boy and now, at the grand old age of 6 months, he is still as sweet and he is definitely funny and he is not a pushover, he knows what he likes and he isn't afraid to let everyone know if he doesn't like something. I put him to bed last night, while I was babysitting and I am not ashamed to say I had a little weep, as I sat next to his cot and stroked his face, watching him so secure and obviously completely used to being loved and safe, being the centre of the world he lives in, I couldn't help but think of all the babies who aren't safe, who don't take being loved and protected, warm and fed for granted. How blessed I feel to have the life I have.







The boys have changed so much this year, Seth is such a character, he is so funny and has a quick wit, a fiery temper and rarely a day passes without him making me laugh fit to bust or roar in frustration...often he can make me do both.







Isaac has come on in leaps and bounds, he has worked to hard to adapt at school, he is more sociable and every bit as obsessive as ever, delicious and loving, always my heart boy.



He so wanted a real bow tie for Christmas, not a ready tied one, a real actual mans one...



Which daddy helped him tie and when done, one side was a millimetre longer than the other and that was BAD we could absolutely NOT be seen in public with it, TAKE IT OFF and never show it to me again, in fact do not mention it, ever again, thankyou.







Elijah is getting so tall, he has left behind his days of frilly and feminine loves. He laughs at any suggestion that he might enjoy High school musical 3, he is horrified at the very mention of high hells or pink t shirts....a part of me is more sad about that than I imagined I would be, because I could not, even for a moment could I imagine that he would ever grow out of that stage!











can you appreciate those shoe properly? Let me give you a close up...and look hoe he crosses his legs to show them off! This was no quick phase, the boy loved shoes!







He grew out of that pretty much overnight, when he turned 5, when he became a big boy and left such foolish nonsense behind him. These days it's all Ben 10 and toilet humour....as it should be, where would be without talk of farts and lavatories?



Two trips to Boston, June and December, to see friends, such lovely women who make me laugh and cry, who show me what true friendship is all about. Women who know me and know more about me than even people who live close by, perhaps even more than family because sometimes we keep things from family to protect them and keep them from feeling they need to fix us.

I love that these women know the real me, warts and all and still like me. They can say what they feel and they hear what I have to say, they hear what my heart is saying when my mouth gets the words wrong. As I grow older I see more and more that true friendship is about more than trite words and back patting. It is about saying what you feel and meaning what you say and knowing that what you say will be heard and understood.

I am so grateful to have a husband who encourages me to go on these trips, I am thrilled that I make myself get on the plane and also that I can trust H to look after the boys when I am away. He doesn't do things the way I do them and it is wonderful to know that the world doesn't collapse without me micro-managing everything. If I trust him enough to leave him in charge, I trust him enough to do it his way ( and then I can undo the bits I don't like when I get home!) It was very touching to hear him say that he didn't do well without me, that is as close as it gets to hearing how important I am!

I like that we don't need to call and check up endless times a day, I don't have to tell him what to do or how to do it, he doesn't need to ask if I am missing him, I know the boys won't fall apart from lack of a bath or eating pasta 2 days in a row and watching a day of Simpsons.

I like this man I am married to and I am so glad to feel so secure in his love for me and mine for him. I didn't believe I would ever trust a man again after the first one, how well the Lord knows me that He sent this extraordinary man my way and how well He knows H that he made sure he met me.....no accident at all I am sure.



I am slowly and surely fighting through the demons that have held me so tightly for so long. They are still there and I am beginning to accept that this is the case, it isn't the end of the world, how I deal with it is what matters. By explaining to those close to me, how I feel, I feel that I am taking steps in the right direction.

Grandpa has left this evening, his flight is tomorrow morning which meant getting a bus just after midnight, H always goes with him and this time, they took Seth as well.

In the past I would keep quiet and suffer the most terrible anxiety, have chest pains, I would imagine every terrible scenario and how I would deal with it when ( not if, ) it happened.

What I do now is to say things like " H, I have to say this, just to stop me worrying, just let me say it and know that it is for me, not because I actually believe I have to say it....when you are in London, will you make sure that you can see Seth all the time, you won't leave him in the museum while you go to the apple store will you?" ( to which H raises his eyebrows and laughs because really, what answer does he think I need ?)

I gave H my cell phone and wrote the number on a piece of paper, it is in Seth's wallet which is clipped to his jeans. He knows if he is separated from H, he is to find a family or a woman with children and explain that he is lost and to call the cell phone ( and of course I have to say out loud " But you won't get lost because you will stay with daddy the whole time won't you?" ) I will still worry, I will still jerk awake all night and imagine all the things that can happen but I didn't stop him going, I didn't make an excuse to keep him home with me. Progress indeed.





Everyone is very patient with me, if mum has the boys she listens to me say things like...actually, I don't have to say anything to mum anymore because she knows every one of my quirks and she never ever breaks one of them, she is glorious.

I talk more about the things that scare me ( which are multiple and annoying)

For the first time in so long I can't even think of a time when I felt this way, I am looking forward to the new year, I feel so much more in control of how my life can be. So many,many years have passed feeling as though I have no say in what happens to me, really believing that I have no choice but to accept whatever comes my way and just hoping that somehow, someone will make it all better for me.

No-one can ever make life better for us, people can add to our lives, they can increase our joy, they can enrich and enliven but ultimately it is just up to us to make our joy.

Whenever we wait for someone to make it all right, when we expect others to bring us happiness it is almost certain that we will be disappointed. The years I have harboured anger towards H because he wasn't saying or doing what I thought I needed him to say or do, (too many years)

The resentment because even God didn't send an angel to make me happy, there wasn't a fairy Godmother waving a wand and telling me what to do.

I needed to make me happy.

Even knowing that it could well take as many years to get there as it took to become so sad, just understanding who is responsible for my joy makes it seem closer. It is closer.

So often our sadness is the result of other people and their actions, things that we can't control, I see now that there is always some way for me to change how those actions affect me. There isn't a magic cure, there isn't a quick and easy answer, it will be a lifelong work in progress.

Likewise the work on my poor body, how hard I have punished my body in an effort to numb my mind, the body would hurt, ache, react badly, my head would feel worse....what a cycle. The changes I have made this year have made such a difference, even this week of ridiculous eating, I have felt how adversely it affects my moods. I am so glad to see how much control I have over my life now in comparison to the beginning of this year, I so wish I could peek into the future and see the different ways I could be feeling this time next year. Will I have made great changes and be shouting from the rooftops about how incredible it feels to have beaten the odds, or will I be sitting here saying how possible all the changes are? I so hope that I am spouting about how great things are and how I took control and changed it all for me and mine.

Shall we take bets?

I am so excited for this next year, my greatest joy this year has been seeing Sophie become such a joy, to see her so happy and begin to realise that who she is, is beautiful. That she doesn't need to perfrom, she doesn't need to pretend or hide, she can just be the funny, loud, loving person she is and be loved. She is changing every day, growing, she is like a butterfly.....I am so thrilled to be her mother. Each day that passes I believe more and more that she is laeving the old world behind her , that she has seen what can be and wants it, that she doesn't need all the junk she filled her emptiness with, she is learning so much sooner than I did that she controls her destiny and the universe is hers to enjoy.











I am going to actively pursue happiness next year, I am going to stop waiting for the good life and go out and get it.

I am going to work hard to change the things I don't like and accept the things I can't change.

I am going to give more and expect less.

I am going to be kinder to myself and more compassionate to others.

I will strengthen my strengths and my weaknesses.

I will follow the example H leads and continue to build our family in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father, teach by example and learn with humility.

It will be a great year.

And you know I will tell you every last detail!

Oh and in the pursuit of happy-ness .... comments, they work every time. Thankyou.