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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Is it just me?

I love Christmas, I do, this year has been especially wonderful, from start to finish I loved it. I wonder why then, every year, on Boxing day I can't wait to take it all DOWN, put it away, clean it up?
If the boxes weren't up in the loft I would, right now at 11.16pm, be packing all this finery and frippery away. Til next year.
I actually love the feeling of taking it down as much As I love putting it all up. Everything looks so much barer and empty but I quite like that.
The tree that looks so pretty on Christmas eve, suddenly gets on my nerves on boxing day.
The ribbons and baubles, the Santas and reindeer are suddenly so in the way.
So, ho hum.......when can we take it down without appearing too keen on being over it all already?
Also, the routine. I often try to buck against the endless and rigid routine we have in this house. This time of year I find myself longing for it...oh for bedtime at 8pm, for ice cream at 7. I miss routine, lovely sameness. ( yes, you may remind me of that when I am ready to scream SPONTANEITY!!!) I am ready for slimfast at 7 am, vegetable soup at noon ( although, bubble and squeak..mmmmmmm! Cold ham and pickles, delicious!) I can't wait for H to be obsessive about the dishes and wash the kitchen floor every evening again.
I think I have been pretty good about what I eat but I have most certainly eaten more than I should have. I bought scales 2 days before Christmas because I wanted to be able to keep a check on what I was doing and not kid myself that it was a free for all and wouldn't matter for a day or 5. ( and having typed that I went out and packed all the chocolate and sweets away, up high and out of reach, to be shared out on the boys and not me! The basket full of goodies was right outside the front room on a bench in the hall, where it was easy to grab a treat as I walked past...not anymore! I am pretty sure that I won't bother to reach up and get any from on top of the kitchen cabinets. )
Yes I am ready for normal. ( Because we are so normal aren't we?)
I learned a lot this year, about me mostly. I learned that doing things, even when you are terrified can be a good thing, in fact it is almost always a good thing.
For so many years I have lived dictated to by the 'but what ifs' If I do that then surely this will happen, better not risk doing that then. This year I have pushed past so many fears, I can't say that I have lost any of the fears, every one of them seems still to be there, or here, with me, but I have learned that I can push them to one side and tell them to go to hell and just do what I want to do anyway. I don't just mean the flying, I tackled the need to always be in control, to always need to know what is happening and why. I thin I lost a lot of anger this year, they say you are only as happy as your most miserable child. My saddest child is now happier than she has ever been. That is the greatest thing for me, every day I feel myself breathing a little deeper and exhaling...deep breathing and allowing myself to feel as though things could really be better. I still have that miserable voice whispering how it won't last, how something is sure to come along and .....and then I shut it up and I tell myself that right now, it IS good and that is what matters, that right now I can breathe and enjoy this day.
What is great about that is that now I can relax and not do that anymore for a while, the being afraid and going ahead anyway. I mean for goodness sake, I'm all for pushing the boundaries of fear to show you can do it, to keep doing it would be sheer folly, I'm against folly of any kind, the sheer sort especially.
This year I am going to make some resolutions, I don't usually because it's a bit naff isn't it and who keeps them anyway? This year though, I feel so differently and I want to have some definite things to work towards and also away from. I have a faint idea what some of the resolutions will be, but I am saving them until new years eve, because if a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing well and properly. All in good time.
Oh look...1am, time to sleep and get some energy for tomorrow....I wonder if H will get down the totes for me to start packing the decorations away? I bet he will!
Dan is coming tomorrow, that's always fun ( and very very loud!) He's handy to have around when there is stuff to drag down or put up...and he has a car so maybe we can all go out somewhere together! Hoorah! Fresh air and lttle boys who can run and make noise without my ears feeling they will bleed!



Blogger Jackie said...

I absolutely know that feeling, though I admit to pushing my Grinchy side away and leaving it up just a few more days. Honestly, I can't guarantee it will all still be up after the weekend's done!! Like you, as much as I LOVE putting it up...I LOVE LOVE LOVE taking it down!

2:48 am  
Blogger Cathy said...

Oh, I have the exact "ok, Christmas is over, let's get rid of this dried up tree". I learned the hard way. First year living together with Brian, we got up early and opened gifts. He then went back to bed and I thought I would surprise him and take down the tree and put away all the Christmas decorations. He got up from his nap and was not a happy camper. I can remember his exact words "How long did I sleep for? It looks like July in here" Yup, no sign of Christmas. Won't be doing that again!

Sophie has come such a long way that I can't even fathom her turning back. She has found happiness and allowed herself to be loved. She will be loved even more in March!!

Love you!

3:38 am  
Blogger Jenn said...

Yes - Dec 26th - Time to take all the decorations down please. If I had my own way they'd be down and put away. Putting all the *stuff* we got is another chore though - I'm still trying to sort out stuff from last year.....
Enjoy your visit from Dan. I have my hubby home all week to share the pain of kids not in school....
should be fun to add him to the chaos. He *thinks* he's going to get stuff done around the house....poor sucker has no idea what's in store for him...

4:23 am  
Blogger sarah said...

i am ready for the stuff to be put away too. enjoy your time with dan tomorrow

2:27 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

I am so ready to put the stuff away this year! :( I'm not usually that way myself.

I hope you had a nice visit with Dan. :)

2:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have my totes already out but a migraine kept me from putting all the things away today. They're all sitting on my couches waiting to be put away! My husband always sighs "Hun, the Wise Men haven't even come yet"...when I start to put things away this early. You're so NOT alone in that :)

I am so glad that you have those resolutions and that some of that fear has been placed to the side. May 2009 bring you the most amazing blessings and continue to be amazing (Julies coming so that is pretty wicked :))

12:00 am  

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