January 2nd.....

Doesn't time fly? Good gracious, it'll be Christmas before we know it!
What day is it? Does anyone know? I know that the boys go back to school in 4 days because Isaac keeps telling me. I know that I have to buy packed lunch foods in 3 days because Isaac keeps telling me, I know that the uniforms are ready because Isaac told me so many times and asked me when I thought I would be getting 'round to that so many times I just did them and hung them up and now he can ( and does) pop his head around the corner and look at them all, ironed and hanging in beautiful clean smelling rows. Reassuring and ready, we like that feeling.

Today was the first full day back in normality. Oh how good it feels. Listen to me, I sound as though someone made me do it ( the DEVIL! The Devil made me do it!) was I forced to eat such nonsense ( delicious nonsense naturally?) Who was it that made me personally responsible for making sure all those walnut whips were eaten before Jan 1st? Heh, I did it all by myself, without even being told to do it and here I am spouting as though it was a terrible trial. Actually, what the past week has been has been an eye opener. Not once did I eat in anger, or sadness or with worry or guilt. I ate what I wanted to eat, because I wanted to eat it and when I had enough, I stopped. I. Stopped.
I don't know if I ever felt that before. I have the tiniest glimmer of belief that I may really and truly be learning how to deal with things without food. Shhhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone.
I was worried about eating Christmas fayre because I imagined having to start all over again with the feelings of denial, the dreadful 'I can'ts' there are none, not one, no looking at any kind of food and wishing things were different, wishing I were a naturally thin person that could eat all that stuff and stay thin.
The thing is, people who are naturally thin, probably aren't. They are just able to see, eat and stop. Just like that, all the time! What I have to do is just, for a while, eat less and move more until I reach a weight that feels just right for me. I am sure that isn't a stick thin weight, I really don't think I am meant to be, or even want to be skinny, I will know when I am where I should be.

I was thinking today what I do want for myself. I am 46, I love comfy clothes, I am pretty certain that I am not aiming for a body to die for that will be draped in beautiful fashionable skin tight clothes. I would love to wear fitted clothes, rather than huge baggy T shirts.
I have been buying, in the sales, clothes that are not huge and for some reason I am still very afraid of them! I bought a really pretty top, V necked and 3 sizes smaller than I normally wear, it fits, beautifully I might add and I wore it....with a baggy old jumper over the top! What IS that all about? I have to teach myself to be alright with losing weight. In the past whenever I have lost enough weight that people notice, I put it right back on. I don't think and I desperately hope, that this isn't about to happen this time.
I have a dream, when I was younger, in my 20's I had beautiful hands ( though I say so myself) I even had a photographer ask to take pictures of them so pretty they were. I am sad every time I see my fat old butchers hands these days because although I am not a fru fru frilly girlie girl, I love rings and bracelets, bangles and jangly shiny things.
For 2 years or more, I have had my eye on a ring in the jewellers window, I stop and look and hold my breath for fear it has been sold.....and so far, it hasn't. I so want that ring.
Last week I stopped and pointed it out to H and said that for our 10th wedding anniversary I wanted that ring and I was going to make sure my fingers were thin enough to wear it and show it off to everyone that cared ( or not!).
Today I stopped and looked and it has been reduced! A lot! It wasn't a ridiculously expensive ring to start with and now it is £814.
Oh how I want that sparkly ring on my finger, more than skinny jeans and fitted shirts, I want that ring! We shall see.
I love Face book, to start with I was very reluctant and can't even remember why I opened an account, I think it may have been because of the first Boston trip but whatever, I did and I am now so hopelessly addicted, I LOVE IT! I have found old friends and made new ones. I get so excited when I get an email saying someone found me and wants to be my friend! I love seeing the pictures and seeing how people have changed, reading what people are doing and most of all I think I love the status updates. Those things are hysterical sometimes.
I can't stand the half a story ones, I always want to ask "WHAT??" when someone just hints at a secret. I am so nosy I think that's why it appeals to me so much, you can see into peoples' lives and they don't even know! Well they know if I came by because I can't help but leave a comment or 7.
Do you facebook? Do I have you on my friends list? Let me into your life and open your world to me and my nosiness! I admit I don't do all the games and the poking, I can't be growing plants or throwing snowballs, Sophie gets crazy when she sees I have 735463 notifications unread.....meh, no time for all that stuff, I need to be looking at pictures and reading where you are and what you are doing, laughing at your status updates and trying to out status Jenn who also loves to change her status multiple times and she is the queen of blasting laugh updates.
I am ridiculously easy to please.
Gossip and shiny things = smiley me.