Sometimes, it's just not funny.

It's happened. I knew it would. Have been waiting for that final sign that I have lost it.
Today was the day.
Seth had an invite to his best friend's house for dinner. I agreed to go and pick him up at 6.30, no problem, I've been there a lot, Seth is friends with Lewis and Eli is friends with Lewis's sister Hannah, oh how he adores Hannah.
6.30 came around and I grabbed my purse and phone, got in the car, headed off, most of my driving around town is done on auto pilot, off I went and drove up the steep hill towards Lewis and Hannah's house, which is ...hmmmm, it's um, oh come ON, how many times have I been there? It's right....where the hell do they live? Is it even up this hill? Yes, I'm sure it is and then I turn....oh for goodness sake, what now? I can hardly call Louisa and say, "Oh HI! On my way, funny thing, have totally forgotten where you live! I know! Hysterical! " Next idea, call H..." Hi, it's me, this isn't even funny and I'm not kidding but I am half way up this hill and I have no idea where they live, don't laugh.... oh, of COURSE! I knew that because look I am almost there! Bye"
Got to the house and of course started to doubt myself " yeah, right, now knock on the door and find a total stranger there. Stop, this IS the house, look Louisa's car! Or is it? Pretty ordinary and popular car, might just look like Louisa's. Enough, knock on the damn door already!"
Oh, LOUISA!! ( may I kiss you? Perhaps not! Stroke your hair?? That would make you uncomfortable? Let me just hug you REALLY tight because I am so happy to see you!") Hi! how's he been? Oh good, thank you for having him!
And then of course I TOLD her how I forgot where she lived because how HYSTERICAL is that ( and also, should I be foolish enough to offer to have her children during the summer hols, you think she'll let me? Score! )
Off we went, picked up some milk, went through the car wash, drove home.
I was a bit weepy about forgetting something so basic, it's not the first time, when I was pregnant with Seth, I went to register with the Dr and was filling in paperwork, the receptionist called over to me ...Mrs W! Can you give me your address?
Hmmmm.
Mrs W?
Yes, of course, it's errrrr.
H was there, he told her, pregnancy does weird things to you. I got worse with Isaac's pregnancy, Eli sucked just about the last teeny scraps of functioning brain cells out of me, I accept that. All funny stuff. Ha!
Anyway, I was quiet when I got home and I went upstairs to change, lovely baggy sweats, comfy clothing, safe trousers.......that's better, jeans off, go down and watch TV, relax, chill out.
I got downstairs and went to go into the front room when I realised I FORGOT MY TROUSERS!
All is well, that made me laugh, whistling belly laugh, all on my own in the hallway, up the stairs, into the bedroom, putting on trousers, back downstairs.....sometimes it's just not funny and other times it is so hilarious I could pee my pants. If I had any on that is.

You couldn't make this stuff up!

Sometimes, things happen in life that just prove that the Lord has a great sense of humour. Last night, right after I blogged and wrote...

"I will live for sundays because I will get to go to church and see all the young people who will ignore me or do that patronising patting thing"

I closed my laptop, lay down on the sofa in my PJs, hair scraped back, I was comfy and about to enjoy my peaceful time, when everyone is asleep and I am alone....the door opened and Sophie and her friend Rachael came in, they had been for a drink ( or in Rachael's case about 37 large ones!) and Sophie left to get changed because they decided they wanted to go on to a club. As Sophie left the room, Rachael crouched down beside me, she took my hands in hers and began to PAT ME! She looked at me with such drunken concern and said " Are you OK? Are you? How are you? It will be fine you know, you'll be fine, it's all OK"
"Oh thank you Rachel, I AM fine, how right you are!"
Pat, pat, stroke of hands, pat pat.
" It's OK, everything is fine and I am so happy Sophie is my friend again" ( they fell out when Sophie was using drugs, pretty much all of her good friends retreated when she was hurting herself because they had no idea WHAT to do...they are all coming back now and she is renewing all those true friendships that she should never have lost.)
She went on ( patting my hands the whole time) to tell me how Sophie is concerned about her weight gain but really she looks so HEALTHY and WELL and isn't that GREAT and Oh it's all going to be so OK!

When I envisioned young people patting my hands and telling me life is good, I sort of thought I maybe had 10 years or even 20 before it happened, less than 30 minutes has to be some kind of record doesn't it?
Heh....I love a good moment.

It was fun having Sophie call Rachel this evening to have a chat with her, she could indeed remember chatting with me but couldn't quite believe just how caring and IN MY FACE she had been, bless her heart!

Intellectual conversation.

Sophie at reastaurant
"I'm going to the toilet"
Dan " Lovely Sophie, number 1 or number 2?"
H. " Does it matter? women sit down for both"
Dan " Every time a surprise!"

I love my family.

Sometimes, only a big stick will do it.

What a day. It all started so early.....

I think I awoke around six
And I figured it out right away
That this wasn't starting out as I'd like it
And was likely to be a bad day.

The noise was a decibel higher
The mess was a sight to behold,
On seeing the total destruction
I felt so incredibly old.

"He's kicking me!" one of them shouted,
"Well, he SMILED at me !" the reply
I was quite in a quandary, I tell you
As to whether to laugh, or to cry.

I tried taking them out for a breather
And we entered a store, for a bit,
But it took only a moment to figure
That Seth was an absolute git.

I say it was Seth, but be truthful
It was all of them really, the same
They were all just incredibly horrid
And I bellowed and yelled every name.

I brought them back home and I threatened,
I told them for sure that they would,
Be so grounded and stuck in this hovel
Unless they began to be good.

Well a miracle happened quite quickly
They shut their loud mouths, thank the Lord
I was able to like them again for a while
And not chop off their heads with a sword. ( work with me on this will you, how many words rhyme with Lord? )

Well, we went to the park, that is near us.
That is usually quite a good trick
And it worked, they were really quite splendid
Because Isaac, he found a BIG stick.



"Oh" he declared when he found it,
"this is great and my feelings are rife,
I can honestly say without lying,
This is the very best fun of my LIFE"





Elijah was giddy with freedom,
He was running without too much grace,
He was having such fun and excitement,
I think that it shows in his face.





Seth, as is usual was playing
With a ball and was kicking it high
He has quite a strong kick and I noticed
That it almost reached up to the sky!


( where'd it go?)



We thought we would go to the water
To see swans and then maybe, a duck
Cousin Lauren was there with some bread bits
Wasn't that quite incredible luck?

Isaac felt brave and was cocky
He flung bread at the birds ..what a laugh!
Til they swooped in a flock and came at him
Then he ran and he ran, up the path!







We abandoned the birds, being clever.
But we stayed with the water and dog ( cousin Laurens! )
And bless him if Isaac discovered
An enormous and slippery log.







That sucker was heavy I tell you,
He was proud and then quick as a flash
He carried it right to the deep bit
And threw that thing in, with a SPLASH!



I am happy to tell you, by bedtime
They were lovely and peaceful and then....
It was good to feel pleased that I have them
Cause tomorrow I must do it again!

How to speak Devonian.

Lesson 1.
Seth explains how to ask " I beg your pardon, did you hear what that lady just said?" when you live in Devon.
( you may have to live here to find it funny, I live here and this cracks me up!)

topics to blog about. Or not.

I am frustrated. Yes I am. I want to blog and write and spill and I can't.
I have stuff to say, but I can't.
Yet.
Then there are things to blog about that interest me but wouldn't interest anyone else and I am such a tart that I must feel I am captivating people and keeping them intrigued.
THEN and I swore I wouldn't let myself ever fall into this trap.....I wonder if certain people read this and then that gags me because I don't want those people to see what I am thinking so I don't blog about it and before you know it, I am blethering on about the bloody weather and my health ( speaking of which, what IS with this broken but not really, just feels like it arm? WHAT?) any day now we'll be onto bowel movements and that really ought to be avoided at all costs.
I could talk about ageing because good heavens, I am doing that at a rate that takes my breath away ( huff puff) and more and more I find myself wondering if really I should be having shorter hair because older ladies look haggard with long hair, haggard or desperate to look younger. Also when should one stop dying hair and grow grey gracefully ( not when one has children in junior school, that's for sure!) and if one is going to continue to dye ones hair, what about the eyebrows because brown hair and gray eyebrows? Such a give away!
How has H managed to become almost 50 and still have buttocks of steel and not a wrinkle in sight? Is it that glorious olive skin? My goodness but he is a splendid specimen and I have so much to say about him that is both complimentary and gushing but again...can't.
Yet.
*Sigh*
I often see older ladies who are so smart, so well dressed and coiffed and made up and I look on and wonder if I will be like them when I am older and WHOOPS if I didn't already get older and the answer is quite frankly, no, I will not be like them, I will be like ME, in my cotton trader t-shirts and crocs. I think I may be one of those old ladies that young whippersnappers look at sideways and give thanks that they aren't ever going to become like.
I do love being older in many ways, being comfy is so OK, no-one expects an old lady to wear high heeled pointy shoes, no-one thinks twice at an older lady buying elasticated waist trousers and actually a few weeks ago, I went to Marks and Spencers to buy some sturdy knickers for 'that time of the month' ( which is still regular as clockwork by heavens if my reproductive system isn't to be admired, old I may be but that menopause is a good way off if you ask me!) anyway I wanted to be sure they were comfy so I bought a size up from my regular size and by mistake I bought BIG ones, not briefs ( I definitely did not want those high leg nonsensical kind, not with my arse) When I opened the pack I snorted because, well, those babies are HUGE, even for me, I held them up and was so torn ,half of me wanted to run downstairs and show Sophie and H and exclaim over their enormity and the other half was rightfully ashamed, anyway now the pack was open and I really needed some sturdy pants RIGHT now..so put a pair on and OMG...these have to be the most comfortable under garments I have ever covered my substantial bottom with. I kid you not I stood and oooooooohed and I was so gloriously happy to wear them! I must admit that I have managed to hide them from H and have avoided any possibly uncomfortable moments of being seen actually wearing them ( although why I have no idea, H could possible find them fetching, he does, after all find gingham strangely alluring) but let me tell you, every month, when Aunt Flo comes a visiting, the sting is taken out by the promise of a few days of the most comfortable bottom hugging by underwear you could possibly imagine and ask yourself what young girl would ever allow herself the joy of buying and then wearing with such glee such huge and flowery ( yes 2 pairs actually have floral bouquets on them, I really have no shame!) bloomers? None, that's how many, nope they feel obliged to wear dental floss and live with a perpetual wedgie rather than embrace comfort.
When you are old you can say things that young people wouldn't dare, things don't embarrass you the way they used to. I love allowing young people to think they know it all and knowing that actually, they would be shocked by the things I know.
I feel so much more powerful and in charge than I ever did as a young woman, I look back over the years and think about how important I thought things were and how I see now so much more clearly how none of it matters really.
I don't like the way getting older makes my body feel. What is with the aching? I swear I don't go through a single day without grunting, groaning or wincing about some ache or other. It makes me mad to think it is more than likely just my poor old body complaining. I am irritated by how hard it is to get up off the floor sometimes, if I have been sitting too long on the floor or heaven forbid, kneeling I alternate between laughing and cursing the fact that my ankles have set or my knees don't want to work.
The boys are losing all the little boy things, Eli still has the most impressive lisp and the remnants if chubby cheeks but Seth and Isaac are getting to be big boys, thinning faces, big teeth, the way they walk is becoming more of a strut.
I had parent teacher consults today for Seth and Isaac.
Seth is, as usual, on top of his class, reading at an age of 10 yrs 3 months and spelling at an age of 11 yrs 6 months, now tell me this.....how is it possible to spell better than you read? Does he look at a word and say " well blow me, no idea what that word is, but I can spell it?" Also, what 10 yr 3 month old child is he being compared to? Who decided which 11 year 6 month old child will be the marker for all children when spelling is tested?
Isaac, well his teacher simply said " he is incredible, we are all stunned by him....he not only answers the register but he does it in french...he speaks to everyone, to the point of being almost a loud mouth, he plays, he joins in, he is working hard and we are all completely blown away by him and there really isn't anything else to say!" What a star that boy is!
Eli's is on thursday, I wonder what they will have to say about my littlest boy.
I feel sometimes as though time is hurtling away from me. I have to grasp every minute before I find myself looking around and wondering what happened.
So many memories already and so many more to come......and you can bet I will blog about them all, bowel movements excepted!

Like Father, like Son.....

Uncanny isn't it?
Jordan is going to a fancy dress party tonight......as a leprechaun ( in case, you know, you couldn't tell!) When I downloaded the picture of Jordan I saw it next to the one of Joshua in the same pose....spooky!

Conversations in our house the last few days.

Sophie on being home at 10.30 every night...." I don't need to be out late, I have to get up for work" ( !!!!!)
On going out. " I can't be bothered going out at the weekend, I would rather go for a drink on tuesday and not deal with the crowds" ( !!!!!!!!!!)

Isaac and Elijah, having been in Sophie's room and eating 2 of her chocolates.
BOTH "It wasn't me, it was him! HE ate them!"
ME " Oh well, when she gets home, she will know and probably, she will call the police because that is actually stealing"
BOTH " Oh...OH......QUICK have a drink, get the smell out of your mouth....have I got chocolate around my mouth.....CAN YOU SEE ANY CHOCOLATE???"

On arriving at the park, an ambulance drew up next to our car, Isaac was all ears listening to the frantic mother explaining what had befallen her poor child.
ISAAC " Oh, that sounds bad, he has dislocated his knee, his KNEE CAP has POPPED OUT!
SETH " Wow, that's cool, lets get out and go and see!"
ELIJAH " Yeah but I want to see ACTUAL BLOOD!"

Sometimes, the universe/ internet sends a blessing.

I have been a miserable whiny mare of late, full of woe is me and oh I have nothing....pity me. Then I saw this and suddenly life is so good because I have H and well......do you think she took him back? Can you imagine why she left him in the first place?
Oh internets how I love thee, thou makest me laugh so hard.
( swearing in this but somehow, it all adds to the je ne c'st quoi.....)
Little background, this is a dating agency and he wants to have his ex see his tape so she falls back in love with him.

I don't think you are!

Isaac, you know the autistic one, the introverted and silent boy of mine. He has a new trick, he sings...he has been singing for a while and lately he wants the world to hear, he has adopted a fake opera voice and he uses it. Even in church, on sunday one of the hymns had Allelujah several times, he was in high heaven, without the switch that most of us have, he sang his heart out..Allelujah-ing even when everyone else had stopped.
I caught him today ( it took a while and several attempts) on video. This might show why I often have a headache. This level of noise is not unusual, neither is the chaos and fighting for top spot.




Oh my how LOUD are they?



Heh...might have been suckered in to the 'if you can't beat 'em join 'em' train of thought here....


Just have to love that thigh slapping too.

And this shows how much smaller Eli is compared to the other two, he doesn't get left out though, not Eli the dancing boy!!



Mum had an operation this afternoon and we kept busy so we didn't think too hard about what was happening, thankfully she is doing really well, we can go and visit tomorrow, when I shall write more about her.

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine ( with some added extras)

I have a blog and I almost forgot because STUFF and LIFE and LAUGHTER.
Can hardly believe it.
Where to start?
Maybe here....
Because, oh my, did we laugh. This is an exercise machine that you stand on, hold onto and then it shakes you, apparantly it makes you feel fabulous and refreshed and a tiny part of me wanted to have a go but look at how much MEls almost not there bottom jiggled and also Sophie's slightly more substantial but perfectly beautiful bits...


and the laughing...



And can you hear Jordan saying " but you're not meant to shake babies?" which is very touching but the baby is fine, he felt perhaps jiggled for 15 seconds and then it was over and all is well.
So sorry that the videos are sideways but I forget that you can't rotate them, oh well, you can get the gist of how we very nearly got thrown out of that lovely shop, we drew crowds because we laughed so loud and so hard for so long.

That baby is so ready to come out, a week, that's all until he is due. I can barely stand the excitement and am perfectly willing to admit that the very thought of meeting this little boy has my eyes watering and I may even have to take a few deep breaths because this baby is so adored and so precious to us, I love being a Nana before I have even seen him or touched him, before I even know his name. If I could I would knit tiny cardigans and booties, I would crochet blankets just so he would know how much I love him. So I could physically prove that, material evidence that Nana adores him. I have so much time as a Nana, no room to ready, no bags to pack, no nappies to buy or worries to nurse.
Just pure, unadulterated joy and anticipation.

I could share this...


and this

Of this little boy who is nearly 7. Who 3 years ago couldn't say a word, who hid and was afraid of so many things. Who now is passionate about Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis, every day, at some stage, he dresses like this and he sings, with so much passion and intensity. I want so much to tape him singing "Jenny Jenny" by little Richard. He won't let me because he says I will show people and he hates people looking at him. It is quite the most unbelievably touching thing.
*He sat next to H the other day, with eyes like saucers and earphones in, and he was shaking...he said " Oh..OH! This is GREAT, was just listening to this by the Beatles but they were rubbish compared to THIS...this is so GREAT!" ( Little Richard, Johnny be Good")* ( forgot that little nugget when I first wrote this)




He tries so hard to keep up and he does a splendid job, he never misses a "ooooooh!"
'Jenny jenny won't you come along OOOOOH, spinninspinninglikeaspinnin' top....OOOOOOOH!

He is my heart boy, completely fills my heart every single day. I wouldn't change a thing about this boy. I wonder if he has any idea how glorious he is.
Clothes are so important to him, I can't quite grasp how his mind works about clothes, his day is only 'right' when his clothes are right, there are times when I could scream with frustration because it all has to be exactly right, he cannot simply put on what is ready and in fact I have nothing more to do with his getting dressed other than doing the laundry. He knows where his clothes are, he knows what he needs to wear, he has them lined up ready, when he is ready for bed his next day clothes will be where he wants them to be, when he is dressed his night time clothes will be where he can find them. He never loses his shoes, he always knows where his things are, it matters to him. ( And it is quite the most glorious thing, unless I screw up, unless I forget something is washed but not dried, unless he can't find what he had ready and I moved because it needed to be washed and would have been washed and dried and put back, if that happens, the sky falls in. Loudly)
New clothes are an issue, sometimes I see something and know he will love it...and he won't even look at it because I didn't notice, before buying something that he sees immediately and cannot live with, a zip with a pull that is too wide, for instance, stitching that is insulting to the eye. I do not buy Isaac clothes now unless he is with me, short sleeved shirts that button up? Yegads! What was I thinking? We shop, I pick up, he glances for less than a second and he either nods or he turns away. If he nods I ask " Yes?" and he will answer "yes", then I say " Will you wear it?" and he will say " yes" and then I buy 2. Sometimes he will say yes to it and then when I ask if he will wear it he will say " no" and he always has a very specific reason for not wanting to wear it.
Life is so much easier now he speaks! He has great taste, he likes microfibre and silk, he likes colours that he looks great in ( although I have yet to see any colour he doesn't look great in)He takes great care of his clothes and great pride in how he looks, as does Elijah ( although his taste is not quite up to par, ) Seth? HE oculd acre less, if it has something to do with basketball he likes it, he will wear black and red Nike pants with a green basketball vest and a blue and yellow NBA jacket, oh and throw on a bright green baseball cap to finish it off, I say he doesn't care but once he is dressed he then cares, because he is NOT about to waste anymore time getting changed, this is it, he's wearing it, life to live and all that and does anyone have anything to say about that?

Oh, I could tell you more about Boston, the trip that is a mere 5 weeks away now. I was excited from the beginning about this trip but as each day passes I get more and more anxious for the time to come. There have been almost daily chats between the 'trippers' Yahoo is my friend, because of these online gaggle sessions I know these glorious women so much better, with webcams thrown into the mix I feel that there is little left to discover, I could not love these women more, I have seen and heard them, laughed with them, seen their delicious children, heard those little voices, been into homes and invited them into mine and feel as though I belong.
Every woman should have friends like these, I have felt my spirits left over the past few weeks because so much laughter, so many evenings of cameraderie and discovering who is who, some upfront and extrovert, others happy to be in the background soaking in the atmosphere, some in fact all, gentle and compassionate. Some so quick that you are left reeling by how fast that wit is there, in your face and making you guffaw and splutter. All generous to a fault and longing to share, in person the things that will bring to Boston.
There will be a feast of sickening proportions on the friday,we may have to find a shelter and donate because everyone is bringing their favourite treats. 12 women all bringing treats knowing there will be 12 women? There will be much.

The list could go on and on but I will end it here purely because tomorrow, I may have nothing to say and so shall carry on where I left off as if that is exactly what I planned on doing anyway.
I like laughing, can there ever be enough of it? Not in my book and I am pretty certain that so much of it in my life lately is making me well, after a long time of being poorly. Great medicine and so easy to swallow.
* Oh and my sister called to tell me thi story, because we are a whole family of wheezing laughers.
She took her THREE dogs for a walk in a lovely doggy walking park, riverside country place. A responsible dog owner she picks up the poop ( thankyou Julie for that, I may never have a dog because I cannot even acknowledge they poop, never mind walk behind them, picking it up and swinging the bag until an available poo bin is found) She also has a natty new mobile phone, tiny and sleek, her way I suspect of hanging onto her youth, instead of a sports car because a) she can't afford a sports car and b) she wouldn't get 3 cocker spaniels into a sports car, or her grandchildren, so teeny phone it is then.
"hmmmm, she mused, " what to do with expensive and very tiny new phone, large roomy pocket in pants will lose it, everything falls out of pocket ...would hate to lose this phone, darn, what to do, must have 2 free hands for dog pooh picking up duties. AHA! Boots! Great idea, shall tuck phone in boot, problem solved." So she did.
Off she went, tra la la, lovely weather, pleasant walk, happy dpgs, time to leave..will call Berian let him know she is on the way home....OH NO!! Phone is GONE, KNEW would lose phone, darn baggy pants, what was she thinking?? was searching everywhere she had been, no phone, one kind fellow dog walker, helped her search under benches, behind trees, along paths, nothing, nowhere, was lost.
"Do you have a phone with you by the way?" said Julie.
"Why yes I do", said kind lady, " should I ring your phone and we will see if we hear it?!
So she did and wouldn't you know? A distant ring...HOORAH! They set off in direction of ring, heads down and ears to the ground, so NEAR..and can you believe they spent a looong time following that ring, saying things like " it IS here somewhere.. listen!" and " I think we are REALLY close!" before Julie, who is 49 but so not senile ( much) remembered she had the darn thing in her boot, I would have paid good money or given chocolate to have seen her face when she remembered and had to tell that lady who had given up her quiet time in the park to help look for that phone, that was never lost, and I might even have lost a little of my iron bladder control if I had been able to be there when she told. My family are nearly as funny as my friends and I didn't even have to choose them, how lucky can some people be?? *

I found something! ( and another something! *ETA)

So, I have something un-Sophie or health related. Life is good, or it would be......if my beloved Croc flip flops weren't involved!!
Yesterday I went into my bedroom and was immediately struck by the heat, furnace type heat, stuffy can't catch your breath heat. What in the world? Could hear an unfamiliar noise too....what? Where? I stood and took in the scene, big pillows from the bed on the floor, well I had a nap so that's why they were there but what IS that noise? And the heat???
Nobody ( naturally) will admit to it but my hairdryer was plugged in, turned on and left on full blast UNDER A CUSHION! I can't tell you how hot that cushion was, how hot the hairdryer was and how close a house fire was!
I turned off, unplugged, said a prayer of thanks and let it go, all is well.
Today, I just got dressed, lovely day, I shall wear my crocs flip flops, my adored and heaven;t comfy brown crocs flip flops....ah, right foot, bliss, left foot...won't fit. Try really hard to make it fit....no way. Hmmmmmm.
My camera won't work because it keeps telling me the card is locked....but one of my precious flip flops has melted! It is at least an inch shorter and the V shaped bit that goes between my toes and over my foot is so shrunken and misshapen....I guess the heat must have hit my poor flip flop that was under the window in line of the hairdryer....it is too comical to be cross about and I shall just add croc flip flops to my shopping list for Boston, shouldn't be too hard to gab a pair when I am there. I wish I could take a picture though...any ideas why my camera card is saying it's locked?

And hoorah for readers who know about little sliding locking things on the side of cards! Thankyou.

Stomach is better today, can breathe and eat a little, even drink. Life feels better. *exhale*

Conversation yesterday.
"It's gramma's birthday today"
Isaac....." Today? Wow, 7o years old today, what a bargain!"
How cute is that? She hardly costs us a thing yet she is just so handy and fun to have around!

I hope you dance.....

Don't send a lame eCard.
Try JibJab Sendables!

Who nose?

I am going to reveal things in this post that I never imagined I would tell a soul, here goes.
There are many advantages to getting older, I am more comfy in my skin ( perhaps because it is so much looser than it used to be) I care not about having to dye my greying hair. I don't worry too much about wrinkles, wearing elasticated waists is my right, I have earned that right by living 45 years and having 6 children.
When I was 30 and Daniel ran headfirst into me and laughed saying " Haha! That was as good as a bouncy castle!!" I was a little sad, now? Being squishy and comfy for little people is what it's all about.
I grunt when I bend over, I huff when I get up, I look at shoes and my first thought is "oooh, they look comfy" and I don't care. Marvellous.
I cannot though, no matter what, come to terms with the hair situation. Thin hair where I want it to be thick and lustrous, tick and course where I want it not to be at all, ever. What is happening to me? Sweet tweezers, I could spend all day plucking hairs and would never be done with it. Waxing doesn't work ( except I didn't try a professional waxing because that would mean walking into a beauty salon and saying " Hello, could you rip my beard out please?" and I'm not ready for that. ) Anyway, I have discovered that if I use a high beam LED torch and sit with tweezers, I see hairs that in the normal light of day I can't see.....I sit and shine that light and every time I GASP! WTH????? I do this very often, almost obsessively because I don't want a beard on my double chin. This evening, after my bath I sat on the edge of the bed and began the process ( Hell's teeth where the hell did THAT one come from? ARGH! Look that one is at least a foot long, how did I not see that yesterday?? Etc. Etc.)
So, pluck, exclaim, mumble, weep, pluck....and then, who knows why, perhaps I wasn't depressed enough, I wondered if I have extra hairy nostrils ( is this personal enough yet? TMI? Well, there you go, don't say you weren't warned) I do have sort of hairy nostrils but the hair is well enough contained and I have a bit of a cold so there is no way I am plucking nostril hair.....but hang on....WHAT?? What in the world? I have the most enormous fleshy sort of swelling up my left nostril. I promise you I wan't being completely revolting and trying to see if I have brains up my nose or anything, just a flash of light up there to see if I have a forest of ugly black hair that I should do something about, this swelling is HUGE..and really fleshy and tumoury looking.
There, I said it. Tumour.
I don't think I am a hypochonriac as a rule, unless googling Lupus and knowing I have it, when all I have is a massive case of in the headitis.
So, you know I googled ' nasal cancer' and tumours up nostril, pictures. Hmmm, no picture but SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS! Blocked nose I HAVE THAT! OH NO CAN'T BREATH OUT OF MY LEFT NOSTRIL! May have watering eyes YES! YES that one time when I fell asleep on the sofa, when I woke up my eyes were REALLY watering!
I must say, here and now that laughing at my predicament is not kind.
I am on the threshold of exciting things, LONDON with my H and NO KIDS!
NEW YORK with girls and no kids OR husbands and much laughing and ......can I still travel if I have to have half my head taken off to rid myself of the tumour? I wonder if I might get a nicer nose if they have to remove this fat old thing I've had so long.
Then I sit and tell myself how stupid all this is and STOP! Ridiculous....but....you know, this is what happens, people just tell their doctor they have this little thing and WHAM!
Have you got swellings up your nose? When you get a cold does your nasal passage get all red and fleshy looking? Have ANY of you ever shone a bright light up your nose and seen a huge fleshy lumpy thing that look SO wrong?
Until I saw that lump it didn't hurt ( but now? OUCH, is so sore and I can feel it and it maybe growing as I type!) My nose is running yet blocked ( but have a cold, with sneezing and more sneezing)
I am going to have to stop googling health things, stick with 'Where to stay in New York!' and 'Where to eat in New York' and 'vacation rentals in NEW YORK!' actually, while I'm here, my tracker tells me that quite a few people read from the New York area, when you've finished shining flashlights up your nostrils, would you mind telling my friends and I if you know a great place to stay, there will be quite a few of us, could be 7, maybe 12...could be even more. We need somewhere we can afford, where we can all stay and mingle, meet up and laugh, easy access to all places fun. Any tips would be wonderful, it looks like the trip is going to at the end of June rather than July.
The trip has had a marvellous effect on me, in that I have managed to stop eating junk, I would love to lose a chin and some flabby belly before I fly to the big apple so I am trying to eat some small ones, in place of CAKE and BREAD and FAT! It feels pretty good but to may shame I am always so horrified by how often I catch myself going to snack and graze, stuff and munch.
I also get cross with myself when I realise just how much I adore good food, for lunch I had the juiciest tuna steak, heavenly.....why do I not do this always? Tsk Tsk.
This is the time, everyone in bed, peace and quiet, good telly, this is when I do my worst eating ( the very worst time to do it!) crisps, cereal, toast, cookies, whatever I can get my pudgy hands on, I'll eat it.
Tonight I had oatmeal with my medicine, not a bit hungry, I'm told it takes 3 weeks to get into a good habit, that seems a long time doesn't it? At least with the 2 trips looming I have something to aim for.
The boys are back at school tomorrow, it has been a very long weekend, so cold that none of us could bear to go out for any length of time but they have been so cooped up and although we had many crafty things to do, they got bored with them and had to do the jumping and shouting and fighting.....this afternoon we did have a blissful moment or 3 where they had piles of books and actually read them with great joy and shared stories ( or facts because we read encyclopedias in this house of Aspergers and fact finders!)






( phew, much ado was made about how Mels baby is like that 30 weeker....yet no mention was made of how it got in there, maybe he already read up on it!







They aren't bad little gits really but they are very loud. They are also horribly messy, they shed muck, where Eli is, there mess is also. Where Seth is there will be stink. They're cute though, aren't they?
Hey, just had a thought, wonder if that encyclopedia has anything on tumours up the nose?

Do you gaze at your bald head?

This is my absolutely favourite song in the world. Isaac has it in the iPod and every day when I am in the kitchen and it plays, no matter what mood I am in, it cracks me up, we completely lose it.Every time.
I looked it up on You tube because I wanted it here, to share... and then I learned the full story.
I just love the laughing and assumed it was over that background singer who is warbling so beautifully. It turns out that she didn't help matters but initially he started to laugh when a man, in the front row, lost his wig/toupee...which is why he sang " do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair?" Then he just lost it. He had the most glorious and infectious laugh didn't he?
I am beginning to love Elvis as much as Isaac does.



Enjoy.....laughter is the best medicine isn't it?

Talking of laughter..this was our morning. This is the email I sent to the secretary at Isaac and Seth's school ( she is a friend so I won't appear totally insane, I kne she would love it!)

Dear Donna, this is just so that you people, safely tucked in the office at school, coming up with great ideas like non-uniform day and sports relief day and then doing them ON THE SAME DAY will have some idea what it can be like for some people, like me, with children like mine. 2 of them.

Today is non-uniform day at school. FUN! Or is it? What...not wear my uniform that is school wear, that I wear every day and feels safe and happy?? Truly? Oh..argh....OK then if it's what we must do but I must wear THESE clothes, only THESE clothes, these clothes are OK to wear to school ( do you really know for sure I don't wear my uniform, can I wear it anyway, who said it would be fun NOT to wear it.....argh OK but THESE clothes!)
BUT..here's the kicker, it is Sports relief day too.
For sports relief we must bring clean clothes because when we run around the field to raise cash for ...for who? Who are we raising money for?
Who cares just get your darn clothes ready...we may get muddy so we need extra clothes for running in. ( and for heavens sake don't mention taking 2 spare carrier bags to put shoes and clothes in if they get muddy, 2 bags? Way too confusing)
Isaac is purple with the worry of it all, he has got changed so many times already.. NON uniform day THESE clothes, oh NO Sports relief THESE clothes...but it's non uniform day all day THESE clothes and then THESE clothes for the run....but if I wear THESE running clothes and then they get muddy I can just put THESE clothes on, .... but I need THESE clothes for assembly because assembly isn't anything to do with sports relief is it? What if I am wearing my sports relief clothes and we have assembly WHAT THEN?? THE SKY WILL FALL IN THAT'S WHAT!!! The earth will simply stop being.
I am gritting my teeth and saying stupid things like " It's all fine Isaac, you can CHOOSE what to wear but just do it already and enjoy it, it is FUN!!!"
Then we have Seth, Mr must have everything perfect.
" Is it Sports relief or non -uniform day? WHICH ???"
Both.
How can it be? They are 2 different things they need their own day, show me the letter, we had TWO letters, it can't be all on one day....what should I do? What should I do? I think you are wrong, I should wear my uniform and take running clothes because TWO DIFFERENT THINGS ON ONE DAY? I think it can't happen.. which is it? Which day is it?
I know, it's Mummy loves Elijah best day, Elijah who just got dressed and said " Cool, I luv neeze cloves, diss shirt looks like a dress, don't tuck it in. I want to wear a dress." Because he may be a flippin' great flossy but he is not autistic and it is FUN!
Love Helen who is going back to bed for a well deserved rest.

She replied to say she was showing the head master, actions must be taken to protect parents such as me!

Helen Highwater.

Nana's baby is back, did you see? I am slow when it comes to all this technical stuff and I would love to have a jazzy looking blog, I just don't get how to do it though. I can't understand that jargon and I'll be darned if I can work it out, all that stuff, what the blazes??
I sit here thinking that I am doing what they tell me to do and then I get all excited and hit PREVIEW....nothing, same as before unless it is all wrong, sometimes I hit preview and see such disaster I squeal and say " Ah...NO... what did I do.....where did ....Agh, quick, undo it.......phew" And then I tell myself that less is more and I should just stick with the minimalistic style, yes, let it be about the writing. So that's it, because I have no idea to put great pictures on and a jazzy title.
What would be a great title for my blog? I would love a great name.
The first one used to call me Helen Back , which I think is quite funny and actually it sort of says what my life has been like doesn't it? I feel like I really have been to Hell and Back. I am so glad I got to come back, I don't think I will go there again. Thankyou.
The other cool name would be Helen Highwater, because come Hell and high water I'm not giving in.
That post yesterday got me thinking about the person I'm not anymore. I kind of liked that person, though she had to grow up at some stage. If I were brave enough I would take some of the responsibility for many of Sophie's actions, the difference between us is that I used my fearless feistiness for the good. When I was righteously indignant about something I would go hell for leather to right the wrong. I didn't just fight for the sake of it. I have some unbelievable tales of extraordinary bursts of going to battle.
Like the time I was pregnant with Jordan, I was so sick, had the flu, had been in hospital for a few days with torn belly muscles having coughed so hard, for so long that I thought I was going to lose Jordan. At home finally, I was longing to sleep. The couple in the apartment below us, in an army camp in Germany, were a sad couple, he was a pig, she was a scared little thing a long way from home. He invited a group of soldier buddies back for a party, she was to be the slave for the night and serve them food and drinks but shut her mouth and stay out of the way.
Lovely.
She came to see us and we set up a plan, she was so afraid of him and just did not want to be the slave and have to put up with the humiliation he always put her through. She asked us to start calling at 10-11pm to ask him to stop making a noise, she thought he would listen to us, no way was she going to say stop to him.
Well, we did what she asked and she said that he had told her to tell us to F off, he'd instructed her to tell us to shut up. so we did, until after midnight when the yelling and screaming and cheering woke 20 month old Daniel up, that was enough for me. I called and she said that he wasn't listening and maybe Kevin should go and talk to him. Which he did. Within minutes there was much ado and turns out the bully had smashed a glass and gone after the first one. Uh Oh.
So, in my dressing gown, with red crusty nose and puffy eyes I ran down the concrete steps to the cellar where they party was being held. I saw, when I huffed and puffed my fat and expectant body down that many stairs, a circle of about 12 soldiers, surrounding 2 men fighting, bully on the floor trying to protect his cowardly head that my husband was punching, hard, he was holding prissy little scaredy cat bully down with one hand ( " OW OW OW! Sorry Brummie, sorry, OW OW OW Please stop...sorry!) and punching his head with the other hand ( fist)
The other men? standing like simpletons wringing their hands.
So, I stopped it, ran in and grabbed the first one by the hair, dragged him away and all the while was stating with great conviction ( and volume) that this was ridiculous and unacceptable and imploring spectators of military variety with supposed courage and strength, to LOOK YOU PATHETIC ARSEHOLES! Look at the PREGNANT WOMAN breaking up the fight!
suddenly, when big tough soldier was being held aloft by his pregnant wife, spectators sprang into action. They grabbed puny wife beating and bullying coward and held him, AHA! Thought pathetic one, am safe now so the very best thing I can do is to show bravado,
"Yeah! I'll 'ave you Brummie! Watch your back, I'll 'ave ya!"
Wrong move.
For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back, I was so incensed by this yellow bellied no-mark's, sudden and insincere bravery that I felt impelled to react.
"You'll WHAT? Not before I've had you snivelling twit!" ( except I didn't say twit, I said the word that is pretty much twit but so much more satisfying, yet nowhere near as ladylike)
And I hurled myself, in my husband's bathrobe ( because it had to be his, mine didn't exist and if it did it wouldn't have fit around my belly) in my bare feet, with my snotty red nose down those stairs and I went for him , fists flying and I called him every name in the book. I didn't reach him though because the first one had come out of his rage induced frenzy and had grabbed the back of his robe. I was halted, mid air and held there, with legs and fists flailing, my very best navvy swear words were dragged from the recesses of my proper mind and every one of them came spitting out at this man, whose name was Dean, I hate that name to this day, when I hear the name I feel my top lip curl and I drool because I am too ladylike to spit on the floor.
The night didn't end there. Coward was so angry at this wife that he beat his own door down and he took it out on her, the MPs came and still didn't take him away and he yelled up the stairway at me, used some choice words of his own, the first one flew down the stairs, punched the front door so hard it split and flew open, MPs posted outside got in and were chasing both men around the apartment like a badly filmed Benny Hill skit.
I saved the day twice in one evening.
I was a little shy the next day bit figured everyone else was so drunk it would have been forgotten. All was well until my friend, who was a barmaid in the Naafi came over and she asked what had happened.
I expressed my surprise that she knew anything had happened and being the good friend that she was, she told me that the whole camp knew, that I was a legend and several of the men who had been there had said things like " That brummie's a big lad, I wouldn't want to cross him, would you?"
To which another one had said " I'd rather have to face him than his missus any day!"
I swear to you that I never set foot on that base again, the whole time we lived in Germany, so ashamed and embarrassed was I.
So, I have a quick word to my son, Jordan, who said today that Mel is having an ultrasound on monday, that they are going to find out the sex and NOT TELL ANYONE EVEN ME. Listen up Jordan my son, I can break you boy, I made you and whilst I carried you, I made trained soldiers quake in their highly polished boots. Just try it. Don't mess with this Nana.

Laughter is the best medicine....

And I have had an overdose this past few days. Some real, honest to goodness belly laughs, the very best kind.

Sophie came 'round yesterday, straight from a night out. She was happy and perfectly sober but just smokey and night out smelly. I put up with it for about half an hour and then told her to get changed and put her clothes in the washing machine, off she went to do as she was told ( !) and came back wearing a pair of Seth's boxers, a t-shirt that fit like a belly shirt and a pair of pyjama trousers, very stretched and just above her knees.
Eli has a rotten cold and a hot head, snotty nose and is miserably poorly. He and I stayed home from church and so Sophie kept us company. When the rest came home from church they noticed ( immediately) that she was wearing their clothes, Eli thought it was hysterically funny, Seth was a little amused.
Sophie said " yeah but LOOK! Seth! your boxers! HA HA!"
"ewwwww, Sophie, I can't believe you did that"
"Oh, Seth, it's not even as if you care!"
"Well, actually, yes I do...I'm really rather passionate about my undergarments!"
I wish you could see him , I can't get pictures to show just how he is, he is like a little sparrow with arms the thickness of twigs, his little face is like a pixie and when he goes to get new glasses he has to have them ordered because his 7 year old face is so tiny.





His hair curls in all the wrong places, his has a huge forehead because his brain is fighting to get out and show the world how full of facts it is. He is the sweetest little nerd on the block, then he opens his mouth and this 'stuff' comes out, he is a genius at getting things spot in, his timing is impeccable, he can answer back like the most accomplished teen ( heaven help me) and he forgets nothing. He astounds me every day.
He came home from school with a 'Great Maths worker' sticker on his sweatshirt, he scored 100/100 today. Brilliant.


Mel is in hospital, another UTI, poor girl, when she comes home we'll be driving her crazy with the 'drink your water' nagging. Anyway, I took Jordan to see her today and she went through the bag of goodies he took and, pulled out a banana held it up and all 3 just laughed and sputtered.......so they had to tell me what was so funny.
Mel doesn't see to much of her dad, he has issues and is somewhat estranged from the family. Last week, Mel, her brother and her mum were sitting outside a restaurant in town, her dad saw them and sat down to chat with them. The exchanged pleasantries, had polite conversation as you do. Mel, trying to fill in a gap in the chatting, put her hand on her mum's arm and said

" Dad, this is Nana...what are you going to be?"

"Huh? Oh, errrrrr, I'll be a coconut"

Stunned silence, til Mel twigged and said " I said NANA not BANANA!!!"

You just know that he will never be grandad now don't you, he will always be Coconut. Which is more than splendid. I kind of hope my name finds me, I can't be Nana because Mels mum wants to be that too and it's confusing unless you start the Nana Helen thing, nope. Grandma just doesn't feel right at the moment because that's MY mum. Nannie is sweet but I used to be paid to be a nanny and I want to be something new to my grandbaby. I hope that the name just fits when the baby is here. Whatever I am called I am going to love that baby to bits and then hand it back again...that's enough to make a nowhere near old enough to almost be a grannie's heart soar.

Conversations with my children.

"Seth", said I, "look how handsome you are with your haircut, you look so wholesome and splendid, rather like a picture of a little boy in a church magazine, who has written in to bear testimony of the truthfullness of the gospel"
"Well" said Seth, "that is hardly likely to be true now is it?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't know the church is true, do I? I am seven years old, how would I know that?"
"Well, when do you suppose you will be ready to pray and ask Heavenly Father if the church is true?"
"hmmmmm" he said whilst scratching his head " just before I die I think"




" Hello, Elijah, how was school and where is YOUR coat?"
"Diss one is my toat"
"I think it isn't, your coat is red and most definitely not green and furry hooded"
"well, I hate nat toat, I want a brand new toat and I love diss one, I think I tan teep diss one."
" oh, well I'm sorry you hate your coat but this one belongs to someone else, you can't keep it, so you need to give that one back and put your coat on, OK?"
"no, iss not O-tay, tozz I really hate diss stupid toat"


"Hello?"
"Hello mum, it's Dan, guess what? I booked you and H a hotel in London ( this one ) also, tickets to see the Lion King and train tickets, I'll stay with the boys. I paid for dinner both nights and I want you to have the very best time."
What can you say to that really? He's splendid.

We are just so upmarket.

Remember when I wrote this?

"For some reason known only to H, a swiss horn thing arrived in our bathroom, it is hung on a hook next to the toilet. ( and if I wasn't all together too idle I would take a picture) When Isaac, who is a bit worried that he will never wipe his own bottom well enough, has finished his business, we hear 3 long blasts on the horn and H goes running to do the honours. It is absolutely this type of thing that makes this house a great one to live in. Happy day indeed when we heard the horn when Isaac was at school..WHAT? Elijah, on the throne, waiting for a wipe. Hoorah."

We have come up in the world. Isaac still insists on being checked, he is always clean but the very idea that he might not be, is just more than he can tolerate.
I probably should warn you before I go any further, there is a chance that you might be overwhelmed by feelings of envy. I can't help that, some of us have, some of us can only wish to have.
When we left the old house ( that is officially nothing to do with us, keys have been mailed and landlady informed) we took with us everything that was unscrewable, that we had paid for, I might be striving to be a better person but pettiness overtakes me at times and this was one of those times ( also, thrifty, look after the pennies, the pounds will take care of themselves etc. etc.) We might actually need that rather top of the range padlock thing we put on the flat door, we never know when that doorbell might come in handy. We may not need it right now but one day, maybe even one day soon, we might rue having left such treasures behind.

I was upstairs emptying box number 353 into the airing cupboard, when I heard the doorbell, hmmmmm, who could it be? 'Tis late, sort of. Funny thing, that doesn't sound like our new doorbell, but it is definitely ringing, quite persistantly and urgently.

Yes, H and his glorious eccentricities strike again, with the unexplained loss of the swiss horn, we have been in a quandry reference the summoning of bottom wiper/ checker. There have been a few occassions when Isaac has been disgruntled that no-one checked his arse for him, bad times I tell you.
Yelling doesn't work, we are fabulously good at ignoring yelling, unless it turns into the almost a pain filled scream yell, which will have us responding with compassion and speed "WHAT? What NOW? Who did it? Stop right now!" something like that.
Imagine my husband's delight to find himself with the answer to our dilemma.
He has set up our rather natty wireless doorbell, IN THE TOILET!
When Isaac needs assistance, he merely has to ring the doorbell, the ringer part is plugged in downstairs, in the front room ..DING DONG! Marvellous.

You might well be able to keep up with the Joneses but let's face it....... we're just that bit further out of reach.

Drug lords and slippery chickens.

Phew, saw my girl today and was so happy to see her. She has been 'missing' for a week or so, not really missing but her phone was off ( and also, I had been calling her old number for 3 days!) and she wasn't here, or calling me and talking and talking. When she is here, rarely a visit goes by without me saying at least once " SOPHIE! Please be QUIET" and then I imagine that she is run over on the way home and how sad I would be that I told her to be quiet so I tell myself to enjoy her and I do for 12 minutes and then SHUT UP WILL YOU??
Today, although I did have to tell her to be quiet 3 times, ( you have to be here and know her to understand that it IS necessary to say shhhhhhhh to this gob on legs) I enjoyed her being here and looked at her a lot, I kissed her once or twelve times as well because I'll let you in on a secret.
My imagination had taken over, man with tattooed face was a drugs baron, he had locked her in a room and pumped her full of drugs until she was a wasted little heap, in the evenings he was selling her poor emaciated body to his smelly and aids infected cronies and she was unable to get a message to me.
I knew that she thought she loved him and was staying away from me on purpose.
She laughed when I told her how relieved I was that she hadn't been sold as a sex slave, and said that Ange is moving and anyway she hasn't seen him for days, also she rather loves someone who is 2o and has a face devoid of tattoos and lives with his mum, and no pit bull terrier. He sent several texts to her to say that he thinks of her all the time and that she is gorgeous while she was here. I think I love him too. He has some whacky name as well, heaven forbid she should ever meet anyone called John or Rob or something. I forget his name, but I love him anyway. He is a tree surgeon, sounds good, all outdoors and healthy and probably gets up before 3pm as well, just keeps getting better!
Had a good day today, went to the agency to pay some money and ask for keys to clean stove and carpets, had a nice chat with lovely Sally, who told me that the landlady did give us a reference and such a one that the referencing agency thought a guarantor unnecessary, well. Food for thought, wouldn't it be great if landlady's heart has been softened enough to pay us back the deposit? Shan't hold my breath but I will allow a tiny bit of hope to linger awhile.
The boxes are taking over, we gave the boys a box each and that kept them occupied for a good while, they packed their treasures and labelled them, closer to the wonderful day when we leave this all behind us and start the happy times to come.
We have all the help we can need for monday and swapped the trampoline for the vehicles and services of some lovely people, so trampoline has a new home and we don't have to find the money for the van and such. Life has a way of working out alright, if you just believe it will and live a good life. Usually.
Turns out that yesterday was the most miserable day of the year, I didn't know that but for me ( and Isaac, oh yes, definitely Isaac) it most certainly was. All day.
Today has been a refreshing change and my Isaac has been a joy. Much appreciated too, yesterday was rotten, am very glad it's over and all up hill from now.
5 sleeps and we'll be in our new home.
Ha! There is a documentary on right now about 2 doctors who are travelling through Africa, looking at the way ailments are treated, 2 sisters who feel depressed and think they have been cursed ......treatment? Tie them up, cover them in oil and make them hold a greased chicken. H looked up from his laptop and said " yes, well, if you're treated like that I imagine you'd be amazed at how quickly you'd get well"
Then I took over and said " Quick Noreen, put a bloody smile on your face or they'll have you trussed up and holding that slippery chicken again" ( side note, wonder if any perverted googlers will be sent to my blog after that last sentence?) oh the possibilities abound.