101 subjects.

Sometimes ( though not often) I have a dilemma that I long to blog about and then I think, hmm maybe I shouldn't, because it is about someone other than me, like my children, who are a part of me and so usually I think, they're mine, I can talk about them, what can they do? They won't even read this until I am dead and even then who will think to give them the link and say " she loved you, most of the time, you drove her insane more often than not but she does love you, did, past tense, she's dead, here read what she said about you" Who? No-one that's who.
I had such an occasion recently where Sophie ( yes, Sophie, some things never change) was going through something that made me SCREAM inside, and want to talk her to death,

( there is a very suspicious smell in here, what can THAT be? Hope the mouse didn't die in here under something, hope it died alright but not where I am going to smell it)

anyhoo, she made me want to teach and tell her and advise her and tell her TO STOP IT...but I didn't because a) She is a grown woman, albeit only in body, the rest is taking it's sweet time to catch up. b) when anyone tells Sophie to do anything, advises her, teaches her, she feels it her duty to prove them wrong and go right ahead and carry on, only more. c) sometimes I get sick of the sound of my own voice, rattling on to the wall, as if anything I say might somehow sink into a mind belonging to a child I gave birth to and actually making a difference.

So, I kept my mouth shut, which was SO HARD let me tell you. That's all I will tell you because it's her story and it's over anyway now. It worked, my keeping my mouth shut, she worked it out and I must say, she did it beautifully and with a certain amount of charm, if we discount her being arrested that is. Bless her big mouth and all, some things are never going to change, she still hasn't learned when to shut HER mouth, even when she is being restrained by a policeman and thrown into the back of a paddy wagon. I could tell you all about THAT experience as she is quite proud of it, which is why I yawned and said " how fascinating, did you get a fine because THAT would take the fun out of that for you wouldn't it?" seems she didn't, I should probably call the local police and tell them next time to fine her, she might think twice then.
So, today I was dilly dallying about whether to share her latest annoying phase, I mean how much do I want to share? I tell myself that recording all this will help me, when it's all over, to look back and say " OH MY! I forgot all about THAT....and oh how I will laugh, but then I realise with a sinking heart that, well it doesn't appear that it will ever be over because she KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE KEEPS DOING!
She is ->this<- close to losing her job, the one she is good at that pays her every month and keeps her somewhat busy during the day. Does she care? Nope, not at all. I, however feel sick at the thought of her not having this job. And that's all I am going to say about it because....dull. Very dull and repetative. I went to the movies this evening, with my friend who lives right here, in this very town, darn it if I don't keep forgetting I have friends who are right here, so obsessed am I with my over the sea friends that I forget I can call people here and say " shall we go out" and they say " yes, why don't we" and no-one has to get on a plane! For heaven's sake that's great isn't it? Flying across the ocean is marvellous and I am excited that I shall be doing just that in 6 weeks but going out, having fun and being home in time for bed, is pretty fabulous as well. So we went to see " the Ugly truth" which was very funny and romantic and quite rude in places. Whenever I watch anything vaguely romantic I feel sort of sad because Oh how I love romance and there isn't any, anywhere near me, H is many things, romantic isn't one of them. I believe he did that a couple of times when he was younger, with someone else and now, well we're older and wiser so no need for any of that is there? I talked to Jane and all the way home we were planning ways to get H to at least remember that I am here, I mean he knows I am HERE, someone is doing the laundry, he knows I am here, someone is bringing shopping in and putting it in the fridge after all. HE just seems to forget that I am here, me..the wife, he knows the mother of his children is here because his children are everything to him, he knows Helen is here because darn it all if she doesn't just keep talking to him all the time, always with the talking. I just think he forgets that THIS me is here, the one that no-one else sees, the one that really likes being with HIM, that H, not the daddy one or the spiritual giant, the H only I see, the one that is just mine. We talked ( because women do that ) about how to get him away from being the daddy for a while. When I came home, he opened the door for me ( see? He is such a gentleman, 10 years together and he opens the door for me, he also cooks dinner and cleans up so that I can get ready to go out and he puts the boys to bed and stays here with them while I fly across the world to be with my friends, he is a splendid specimen of manhood ) and we said hello and before I had a chance to say a word he said " you know what? I think we need to find a babysitter and start going out on friday evenings" and then, not 5 minutes later he said it again. Dan is down next week, I will ask him to stay here while we go out somewhere and we shall indeed be Helen and H and not mum and dad, just for a while because it's so easy to plod from day to day, week to week and forget who we are and what makes it all worthwhile. My friends are having a blast in Canada, pictures and texts, facebook status updates, so much fun, much laughter and of course, friendships being made and strengthened. I love the internet, where would my life be without it? I met H online, that's the best reason for loving it, I have made such great friendships, real honest to goodness ones , slipped up a couple of times without too many awful consequences ( egg on my face and a sense of 'how was I that stupid?) but all in all, wonderful people who, without the internet I wouldn't know...which doesn't bear thinking about, not at all. So I won't. I look at the pictures, I see all the laughter and the see Jenn and Julie, in pink and blue wigs, Cathy with her face splitting from ear to ear as she sees her friends arrive, as she arrived in Canada. I see pictures of stores and airports, hotel rooms and in every one, smiling faces, huge smiles and genuine joy. Life is all about memories, I am so lucky to be able to make memories that will last forever, with my children, my family and my friends, ones that I will smile about when I am old and have so much time on my hands that sitting near a window and remembering is something I get to do a lot. I thought I would be sad about not being in Canada but I'm really not, I get calls and speak to the splendid ladies ( and even hang up on them! Yep, that would be me, chat chat.....oh OK, bye bye, just as I hit the end call button, I heard someone say " HI!" click. Gah. ) and I get texts and updates and it just makes me so excited for Boston. The best part of these friendships for me, is that we are all different, different ages, different religions, different lifestyles, none of that matters, somehow all these women ( and the group keeps growing) have one thing in common, we all seem to find the same things funny and we are all keen that whoever is nearby feels happy to be there. Such kindness, behind the scenes and in your face, no-one ( I hope) ever feels left out, nobody is on the sidelines unless they put themselves there, some people like to take a back seat and others love to be right in the middle of all the fun ( I, personally and a shy and retiring sort and am always quietly in the background taking it all in. Yes, that would be my role. ) It amazes me that so many women, from all over the world, from so many backgrounds can have so much in common. Friendship is a beautiful thing. You're never too old, too young, too rich, too poor, too clever, too simple to be a friend or have friends. However, you can think you are too rich, too clever, too important and then....well then you lose your friends. Thinking isn't always the best way to being a friend, doing is what counts. What you say might be important, what you do is what matters.
Today has been a lovely day.
Tomorrow, I hope will be as lovely. Isaac is being baptised tomorrow. He said he wanted EVERYONE to be there and see him being baptised, luckily I didn't take him at his word, we have told very few people and this evening he said " I only want my family there" There will be a few more people there and I so hope he can deal with that, when the moment comes for him to be baptised, we can always send everyone out and keep just a few people there, nobody will mind at all. I am a little nervous as we have kept it really low key, I haven't organised it all to death, it's going to be ( I hope) a gentle, quiet time that he can remember happily.
How did he get to be 8 so quickly? Glorious Isaac.

Foot stamping tantrums.

Last evening, when the boys had gone to bed, when I was toasty and warm in my jama's, when the snow was falling and settling and it was so cold. I looked at H and said " We'll keep the boys home tomorrow, that hill will be so slippery, it was almost impossible to get up it tonight. So we'll stay home and have a cosy day"
And he looked back at me and nodded. He's a great nodder. Lovely.
This morning, when I came down at 10 to 6, Isaac was fully dressed, ready to go to school ( as always) I told him that we were staying home and you'd have thought I had given him the world, he put his PJs back on, wrapped up in a blanket and decided what he was going to do and watch and play on his unexpected day off.
7am H came down and Isaac told him we were staying home and H was immediately put out.. he said that no, we weren't staying home, it was a NORMAL day...everything is the SAME, a regular day, get dressed...SCHOOL!
WHAT??
Oh no you don't matey.
I like to think that I am patient with all the eccentricities that surround me, I do not, as a rule speak to H in any way other than a polite and respectful way. It's hard at times but I truly enjoy the courteous way we treat each other, the consideration and good manners, I like that we don't fart in front of each other. The one thing that will guarantee that being thrown to the wolves is if I feel that he ( or anyone else) is treating me like an idiot. What I decide for this family is as important as what he says. Oh yes it is. If I say we are staying home ( because we discussed it, didn't we? You nodded DIDN'T you??) then do not, once I have stated that this is the plan, begin to huff and puff and exert your authority and make me out to be a lunatic for suggesting such an outlandish and inexcusable nonsense.
I actually stamped my feet, I slammed doors, I called him names, told the boys that he who must be obeyed had spoken and I was powerless to persuade him that staying home was a good idea.
I then made it clear that I would not be leaving the house AT ALL, until every sign of snow was gone, if he thought school was a great idea, then he could walk them there, walk back to collect them and walk them home and good luck with the hills smartarse.
He kept telling me he wouldn't be walking any hills......he would go the 'other way' Look where we live...


That's if you turn right out of the front door...and if you turn left....



You get that ..and then you will have to go down the hill next street over to get anywhere. There is no avoiding hills, but he insisted, he was fine, the boys would be fine......and so off they went.
I should add that my boys will not wear coats, at all, ever. They wear hoodies. It was SO painfully cold, the cold we have here in the UK is a hurting cold. I have lived in Utah, that cold is nothing like this cold. This is a painful, wet cold, not that lovely brisk sharp cold of Utah. I can do that cold.
I layered those boys up with scarves and 2 hoodies, hats and no gloves because again, they hate gloves ( and so do I, the very feel of them makes me feel iffy!) I sent them to school and I cleaned with the vigour only a women in a rage can manage. We had a house inspection today and although H had done a great job vacuuming and tidying ( sort of ) yesterday it certainly needed all those female touches, and my goodness this house was polished, shined, cleared, thrown, scrubbed and hammered in the 90 minutes it took H to deliver the little layer boys to school ( oh how I wanted to watch their slithery journey but not enough to go with them and risk measuring my length along the pavement.)
When H returned, he asked if we needed anything from the shops and off he went again, risking life and limb not to mention dignity and returned again with packed lunch goodies and oranges. ( you know for the COLD lunch for the boys to take to school to eat at the COLD lunch time on this COLD day because they weren't staying home in the WARM!)
H was very gentle and understanding to my thorough opposition to this insulting weather, which immediately annoys me more because I wanted to hate him ALL DAY thank you...I explained that had he said, last night, during our discussion, something along the lines of " well, shall we decide in the morning about school because I don't mind walking them and I'm sure it'll be fine" I wouldn't have been in the least bit put out today, I wouldn't have mentioned staying home to Isaac, who is so like me and loves to be warm and happy and dry, it was having to see him completely thrown out of sync, dressed and undressed, ready for school, now staying home then get dressed and go to school and DEAR LIFE what is a boy supposed to think now? That made me so cross and indignant.
H swore up and down that we hadn't mentioned the weather last night and he was sure he hadn't heard me suggest staying home and it is impossible to stay mad at him because it is my dad all over again, I am endlessly surprised at how like my dad he is. Incredible that despite an ocean between us, totally different lives we somehow met to discover that he more like my dad than anyone I have ever met. I loved my dad, we had such a lovely bond, he and I had a different relationship to that of my siblings, mum said from the very beginning it was as though I was his, more his than anyone else.
Who'd have thought I would marry someone so like him.
The snow, incidentally was all gone by 6pm...just the way I like it! I do not like snow, at all, any part of it. Snow in England is particularly annoying as we are so unprepared for it, so hopeless when it is here. I went shopping this evening and it can snow all it likes now because we are stocked up and ready ( which means that it won't snow, it rained a lot this evening and washed all that confounded white stuff away, hooray!)
I love being warm, I never take for granted the fact that we are warm, cosy in our home. I love that my car has such great heating and we feel toasty and warm even when out in horrible weather.
Is it nearly spring yet?

Oh where oh where can he be?

Well, here we are, home all safe and sound. Most of us anyway. H is wandering the streets of London, perhaps with a knapsack on his bag ( folderee) Why is it that the simplest of things are so ridiculously arse over elbow?
Helen and Sophie come home......H catches bus to meet grandpa.....grandpa and H come home. How simple is that?
Not at all simple, it would seem.
Grandpa called and gave us his flight details, hooray! December 10th he will be here, 1.20ish, Terminal 3 ..(oh, OH NO! Terminal THREE! Ack, penny just dropped, will explain more later) OK, so I am about to write how he called and said that grandpa never got off the plane, Jerry Springer did but not grandpa. Hmm...bizarre.
I called around and discovered that grandpa flies on December 10th but guess what? He ARRIVES tomorrow. Bollocks.
So, oh well, get the bus home ( 5 hours) get some sleep and tomorrow we will either drive or he can get the bus back ( 5 hours) and meet his dad.
Right as the bus was due back and I was about to go and meet him, he called to say "hey , you know what? I think I will stay here, in fact I AM still here and will just hang out all night and wait for dad"
His neck is hurting, he has NO money ( well maybe enough for breakfast in the morning) but not a room at a B and B or something.
Of course he called from a payphone because H and phones don't mix, he doesn't answer phones and he doesn't make calls unless it is unavoidable. So when he said he loved me and would call tomorrow and then put the pay phone down, I had a brainwave and called Uncle Barry, he lives 40 mins away and said he would drive to the airport and find H, take him home and return him to the airport again tomorrow....only we couldn't call H to let him know, Barry went to the airport and saw the whole place empty, the restaurants closed, the desks were empty and eventually he managed to have a tannoy message calling H, by this time the place is deserted, no-one to be seen. No H, not a sign of him. In Terminal 5.....FIVE I sent Barry to 5 because H said he had been over there to check it out and was talking about how cool it is ( and I know because I was there, only today! Coincidence, life's hysterical isn't it.
Only as I began to type and 'terminal 3' tripped off the end of my fingers, did I realise that H is waiting at 3 and Barry was at 5...which is very far away from all the other terminals, it is all brand new and posh. All I can say is that I hope the airport hasn't turfed him out into the sub zero night and it stays open all night long.
I am exhausted I could crawl into my bed and sleep for a week but I can't even sit still because I am so worried about H (although less so now because I have a small hope that he is in terminal 3 all oblivious to the fact that he had a bed for the night and a ride in a warm car) Also, he is a grown man, he is not stupid and he CHOSE not to come home to save £32.
I am a tad miffed that it is perfectly acceptable for his wife to get buses and planes on her own but his dad must be escorted to the door...although again, I insist he goes to meet his dad ( not that it ever takes any amount of persuading) So, I am just cross because I am here and he is there ( where?!) and I want to sleep and can't because he might be horribly cold and miserable ( nudges self and says again HE CHOSE to do that!) it is one night, he can stay inside ( oh please!) and tomorrow he will come home to a clean, warm, tidy house. Something I did not do today. All I shall say on that matter is this, if anything happens to me? I am not sure what would happen to the rest of this family. I don't know what HAS been happening but oh my goodness I can see what HASN'T been happening, ( laundry, cleaning, shopping, bathing of children, tidying) I am overwhelmed for today and also reminding myself that I did not clean before I left . The good thing about feeling I am in for a long night is that I was feeling like I could never get any of this work done before grandpa arrived...already, in my state of imagining the very worst ( frozen corpse in back alley of Heathrow airport for starters, you know how it is) I have already done the laundry, dishes, bathed the boys, shopped and stocked the cupboards....amazing what a bit of panic can help you achieve.
The flight home was great, a mere 5 hours and 50 minutes, an hour of that spent sleeping off the miracle of relaxing drugs. Dan got us home from the airport by 9 am...perfect!
I am so happy to be home, I saw Eli in his Christmas play and his little face when he saw me there was priceless. Seth is happy to have me home and Isaac, bless his heart didn't even care that we were in the middle of the playground when he saw me waiting for him, he hugged and and held my hand and was like a little cat, leaning against me and rubbing his face on my arm.
I love my family, I so hope that my husband isn't turning into a human Popsicle as I sit here with heat blasting and comfy jamas on!
I had the best of times again in Boston, even better than last time I think. Such a lovely feeling to be with my friends and to watch how loved that girl of mine was. She was the center of it all, she basked in all the attention, she was a sweet and funny girl, loud as always and although I thought she went a little too far she was the girl I have been waiting to see for so many years.
She felt everything I wanted her to feel, she said what I hoped she would say and I am very hopeful that she has seen just how wonderful life can be when you put your mind to it. She said often that she had never known it was possible for her to be with so many people that were so kind and funny and for them to want her there, she felt so accepted and loved. She was spoiled and treated so beautifully, I took a back seat and watched her grow and love every minute of it.
She is going back, without me to spend time with Cathy ( and maybe George who is completely gorgeous and I think perfectly able to enjoy Sophie without being trampled in the process!) She has something to work for again and is very happy indeed.
We bought back a mountain of goodies, for the first time ever NONE of the bags were overweight, no charges incurred. Talking of being overweight, I am so proud to say that I pretty much stuck with the diet while I was away, I did eat 2 pretzels and shared a started with Cathy 2 nights, I ate salads, lean meat with no potatoes or carbs, I ate fruit and had slimfast for breakfast, I bought small snacks like mixed nuts at the airport....I did well, until today, can you believe it? Sticking with it all that time and then coming home and eating everything I try to avoid...I have eaten more bread today that I have for months. I have been shopping and now have veggies etc to make soup tomorrow. Onward and head up etc etc...... I will be weighed on Tuesday so that'll be interesting. I was miserable to see all the pictures that still show how much more work I have to do, I think I was kidding myself that I had made a huge difference in the months since my last trip to Boston but really, it's hard to see any change at all in the pictures...disheartening but also inspiring, must keep on keeping on!
I will try and write more tomorrow, so much to say but jet lag is kicking my head in and my poor weary brain is too worn out to think or make my fingers work.
I was so going to stay awake and will H warm and safe but these gitlets will be up in 5 hours, ready for another day and cross that daddy and grandpa aren't here! I hope terminal 3 isn't locked for the night and that H has found a comfy chair in a warm spot somewhere, my bed is as warm and comfy as can be, I am off to enjoy it!

It's all about communication!

Oh how I laughed!
The set up here is that I hold the purse strings, call me a control freak...because I am! We tried it the other way with H being 'in charge' and it didn't work, H was not good with money.
I say he was not because he wasn't and now? I think he might be, sort of. Can't be sure because things work well this way, why try to fix what ain't broke, as they say.
All our money goes into my account and I deal with it, I pay bills, make decisions ( although big things like a car, which is the only 'big' thing we have ever bought) is done together, I think, persuade, discuss and then we buy ( what I choose, obviously!) Often I have to persuade H that he wants exactly what I want and he always agrees, there are times when I have to tell him to trust me and he does and then " Hey! Look at that..we chose well!" Like when I bought the leather sofas and he was distinctly not for that idea and I told him that he would be, as soon as he saw them and saw how grand we would be and for heavens sake would you just see how I bought them for £235 on Ebay and they cost 5 times that new!! And just as I predicted, he was so proud of our thriftiness and smart auction buying ways.
Anyway, I know that when I have had times where I am not in control and have no money at my disposal I am very unhappy, I am of the belief that every adult needs to have some money that is theirs to spend, even if it is a small amount, enough to buy a magazine, cake from the bakery or a daily newspaper, it is enough to save the soul. Having no money, at all is soul destroying.
So, every week H has some money that is his to spend, he can buy whatever he likes and will never have to answer to what it goes on. He actually rarely spends it ( annoying sometimes!) he buys things like packs of go-go crazy bones for little boys that have done extra homework, he will take 3 little boys into town on a saturday I know! all 3! at the same time....give the man a medal you won't catch ME doing that I tell you what! He takes them to the library, to the aladdin's cave that is the pound shop and they go to Warrens the bakery and buy a cake each.
He buys basketballs galore and that is his job because they must be specific basketballs, not colourful ones that look good, oh no.....I gave up even thinking of buying basketballs, not worth the scathing looks I got thankyouverymuch.
He lends Sophie money....even when I beg him not too, he is a softie and is rather more fond of her than he used to be and she is quick to tell me that she doesn't even bother to ask me anymore, she goes right to him. When Sophie is paid, her money goes into one of my accounts ( hark at me! Yes I have multiple accounts, 3 in the UK and 1 in the US of A...now ask me how many have money in them...I dare you!)
So her money goes into my account, I take out whatever she owes, divvy it out and off we go.
Last week, Sophie said " Did you give H the £50 I owed him? Only he said I still owe him £50 and I know I don't because you paid it to him, didn't you?!"
Oh arseholes.
I took it out, put it aside, paid for her ticket to Boston ( 3 weeks time we will be there!) I Robbed Peter, to pay Paul.....phew done. Until then when she reminded me that I took it out, put it to one side and then spent it, on who knows what but it wasn't anything fun, I guarantee it. Oh fluff under the bed as my dad would say.....now what? Now I had to find that as well as the myriad of other must be paid crap this month has thrown at me!
Anyway I told Hwhat I had done and we laughed and I said "so, I'll give you that back, when we've got it...heh, you know.....eventually!" All was well.
Then ...without going into boring detail, all hell broke loose on the money front and the trip is looming so gloriously close and I wailed and worried and then had the glorious idea of handing the reins to H....a bit.
Marvellous, if I go to Asda for bread, milk and carrots I spend £40 at least and occasionally I actually remember either the bread, milk or carrots....if H goes he comes back with bread, milk and carrots.....amazing isn't it?
So, I went to the cheapest supermarket there is, bought heavy and bulky goods like tins, toilet paper, washing powder and then I gave H £40 and said that I wasn't going near a shop, it was up to him....and I meant it.
Wow....thursday...nothing, friday....nothing, Saturday a loaf of bread, monday....nothing but some cream cheese, tuesday..."H, can you give me £5 for vegetables, I need to make some soup..."
" You want me to lend you some?"
"No...give it to me, out of the housekeeping I gave you"
"what housekeeping?"
"The £40 housekeeping I gave you to do shopping because you buy what we need and I buy what we want....and we have to save money"
"Oh, that's what that was? I thought that was the £40 from Sophie!"
See? He listens to everything I say.
I have never seen our fridge so empty, I was so good though, I didn't whine about how mean he was being because I was hoping he would be! He was even better at it than I thought he would be and all because he hadn't listened / heard a word I said!
He had a great day on wednesday though and spent the rest of this weeks housekeeping so I didn't say something like "hey you only needed £10 this week, cool here's this weeks tenner!"
This week I didn't even go and buy the heavy stuff, I handed H £60 and he is on his own, I am not going near a supermarket which is hard for me because I do love to shop.
H is marvellous, everytime he buys something he puts the receipts on the fridge, now if I were in his shoes I am pretty sure that is not what I would do, I would shop as cheaply as possible, try really hard to make sure some of that money was left and I would count that as my bonus.
I am told I am like my great Nana, who was married to a bit of a meaner, he would ask her the price of various foods, have her make up a list of everything she would need for the week, add it up and give her the exact amount. She then would buy ( for example) pork sausage instead of beef, small differences like that and she would save what little she had managed to knock off the balance and when she had saved enough, she would buy herself some jewellery. That's my kind of girl!
H is so into doing the shopping and I am finding little memos to himself of things he has noticed are low...I think we may hang onto this new plan, when I get back from Boston and don't have to count every penny, I think we will still share the shopping because he loves it as much as I do and it really does save money. I can't resist a bargain, I buy things in bulk because I like to feel I am saving money, sometimes it does save, sometimes I just end up buying stuff we simply do not need.
I am very ready for a shopping spree, I can do this whole not spending thing, the scrimping and saving, the look but don't buy...but only for so long! I am ready to christmas shop, Target shop, any kind of shopping. Bring it on.
5 weeks until Christmas, that's close isn't it? 3 weeks to Boston and today H said grandpa is hoping to visit before Christmas. I hope he lets us know when very soon, I love that H will get a day or two in London, he is due a break and he loves to go and meet his dad, spend a day in London and then bring him back. It'll be lovely to have grandpa here again, he hasn't seen this house and hasn't visited us here for 2 years or so, I can't wait to have him here again.
I don't even feel nervous about flying this time ( yet) I have my drugs and they worked so well last time I know that if I feel scared I shall take one of those marvellous little tablets and wake up an hour or so into the flight! I'll even have Sophie to nudge me if I snore, perfect!
3 more weeks, that's all. Marvellous.

We have such great conversations!

H to me " Have you ever wondered what King George looked like?"
Me to H " Oh my goodness, I can't tell you, I've lost sleep over it"
H to me ( though I wonder why he bothers) " He looked like THIS...." and he showed me a picture.

Our whole life is like that, jealous, aren't you?
And well you might be.