Saying it as it is.

I just read this quote from a woman who lost 100lbs in 17 months....inspiration is what I need!


This 15 months would have passed by no matter what I did, but it was the little day-by-day, moment-by-moment, workout-by-workout choices I made that added up to big changes, not some huge, one-time life-changing event. No magic pill, no easy solution - just baby steps and a fundamental shift in thinking about exercise and eating.

See, this is what I need, she said what I have been trying to say in that, however long this takes, well that time would be passing anyway, if I can lose even a pound a week, well eventually I will get there. If I don't..it's all downhill!
She has some tips and I am looking into some of the things she did..oh by the way she has TWELVE children. I wish she had a blog! I know that the key for me is now exercise, I have to find something that is doable for me and that may well be more cleaning, scrubbing, car washing, anything that feels worth doing and gets me up, out and moving.
I sent the letters off that I wrote yesterday and feel very much better, I also made a couple of those dreaded calls to arrange some payment schemes for bills that have got way out of hand, it'll be tough but at least I have peace of mind and some idea of how they will be paid, no more hiding letters that arrive and ignoring phone calls from 'withheld' or 'unknown' numbers ( actually I will still ignore those, if you don't want me to know who you are before I speak to you, I am not going to speak to you!)
I've been sliding down the can't pay won't pay slope, I am pretty good at only buying what we have the money for, keeping outgoings to a minimum etc but every now and then some bills get overwhelming, I can't see how I can pay them and I shut my eyes to them for a while, all the time worrying more about them than if I just faced up and found a way to deal with them. Our water bill is huge, I got a letter, after signing up for low income social capping, saying that payments were £16.15 a month, COOL....set it up at the bank and have been paying that every month. Seems that was a wrong calculation ( and lets face it, I think I had a clue!) so I started getting " you haven't paid us" letters...which I ignored because I couldn't pay more.....anyway today I called and now have a much bigger, tougher amount to find each month, I will do it. I just won't like doing it! Now I have to get brave and tackle an outstanding gas bill....soon. Maybe!
I can hear " how does she go to America twice in one year then?" Well because twice now I have decided that I wanted to. That's it. I did it in June.......when I got home I felt so bad because I really shouldn't have done it. We don't have the means to do this kind of thing without seriously sacrificing and the fact that I did do it made me feel dreadful. I played serious catch up for 3 months when I got home and phew, did it. All straight!
Then, before I knew what I was doing I started a whole new lets do THAT again....and I am going to say here and now that unless I win the lottery or miracles happen, this is the last time I will do it. It is ridiculous to pretend that this is an OK thing for me to do. It really isn't, it is selfish and impractical ( and also completely wonderful ) I can justify it by saying that while I am there I will be spending money that I would have spent on Christmas anyway, I will be buying what I would have bought anyway.
I have a husband who insists that I do it, he refuses to even hear a word about it being selfish, unnecessary etc, he says it IS necessary and he loves the women I go to meet, they are the exact kind of friends he would have me have, he loves them because they love me and because they make me a better person.
I am also justifying this trip by telling myself ( and now you!) that the time I will be spending with Sophie will be worth even more than we have spent on getting there and doing this. She needs this time with me and I need the time with her. I am praying that when she experiences the bond that is between us all as friends, when she sees what real friendship is, what true and unconditional love between friends can be like when she sees and feels that SHE is worthy of this kind of love....she will continue to see that the way she is taking her life is worth all the work she has put in, that going back to her old life will never be something she wants to do.
She is having a rough time right now because it has taken a lot for her to get this far towards this trip. I wanted it to be tough, I wanted her NOT to have any spare money, I wanted her to put everything in to get to Boston and she has. It is just 2 weeks an 2 days, we'll be there. It can't come soon enough for her ( or me) now.
It IS a good thing we are doing. Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven.....bring them on!
When we get back though, I am going back to being realistic Helen. I like sleeping easy, paying bills, being thrifty. I don't think I chose to live this way, given the choice my life would be very different. I think though, that life has a habit of giving us what we need. I am very glad that I am able to make what we have go a long way, I will look on these trips with such fond memories but I have to admit that I can't keep doing it.
I shall make sure that this trip is one that Sophie talks about for years, until she is old and grey....I shall make sure that we both have a blast, how could we not when we are meeting the people we are meeting?
Oooh, lets make it a great one!

It's all about communication!

Oh how I laughed!
The set up here is that I hold the purse strings, call me a control freak...because I am! We tried it the other way with H being 'in charge' and it didn't work, H was not good with money.
I say he was not because he wasn't and now? I think he might be, sort of. Can't be sure because things work well this way, why try to fix what ain't broke, as they say.
All our money goes into my account and I deal with it, I pay bills, make decisions ( although big things like a car, which is the only 'big' thing we have ever bought) is done together, I think, persuade, discuss and then we buy ( what I choose, obviously!) Often I have to persuade H that he wants exactly what I want and he always agrees, there are times when I have to tell him to trust me and he does and then " Hey! Look at that..we chose well!" Like when I bought the leather sofas and he was distinctly not for that idea and I told him that he would be, as soon as he saw them and saw how grand we would be and for heavens sake would you just see how I bought them for £235 on Ebay and they cost 5 times that new!! And just as I predicted, he was so proud of our thriftiness and smart auction buying ways.
Anyway, I know that when I have had times where I am not in control and have no money at my disposal I am very unhappy, I am of the belief that every adult needs to have some money that is theirs to spend, even if it is a small amount, enough to buy a magazine, cake from the bakery or a daily newspaper, it is enough to save the soul. Having no money, at all is soul destroying.
So, every week H has some money that is his to spend, he can buy whatever he likes and will never have to answer to what it goes on. He actually rarely spends it ( annoying sometimes!) he buys things like packs of go-go crazy bones for little boys that have done extra homework, he will take 3 little boys into town on a saturday I know! all 3! at the same time....give the man a medal you won't catch ME doing that I tell you what! He takes them to the library, to the aladdin's cave that is the pound shop and they go to Warrens the bakery and buy a cake each.
He buys basketballs galore and that is his job because they must be specific basketballs, not colourful ones that look good, oh no.....I gave up even thinking of buying basketballs, not worth the scathing looks I got thankyouverymuch.
He lends Sophie money....even when I beg him not too, he is a softie and is rather more fond of her than he used to be and she is quick to tell me that she doesn't even bother to ask me anymore, she goes right to him. When Sophie is paid, her money goes into one of my accounts ( hark at me! Yes I have multiple accounts, 3 in the UK and 1 in the US of A...now ask me how many have money in them...I dare you!)
So her money goes into my account, I take out whatever she owes, divvy it out and off we go.
Last week, Sophie said " Did you give H the £50 I owed him? Only he said I still owe him £50 and I know I don't because you paid it to him, didn't you?!"
Oh arseholes.
I took it out, put it aside, paid for her ticket to Boston ( 3 weeks time we will be there!) I Robbed Peter, to pay Paul.....phew done. Until then when she reminded me that I took it out, put it to one side and then spent it, on who knows what but it wasn't anything fun, I guarantee it. Oh fluff under the bed as my dad would say.....now what? Now I had to find that as well as the myriad of other must be paid crap this month has thrown at me!
Anyway I told Hwhat I had done and we laughed and I said "so, I'll give you that back, when we've got it...heh, you know.....eventually!" All was well.
Then ...without going into boring detail, all hell broke loose on the money front and the trip is looming so gloriously close and I wailed and worried and then had the glorious idea of handing the reins to H....a bit.
Marvellous, if I go to Asda for bread, milk and carrots I spend £40 at least and occasionally I actually remember either the bread, milk or carrots....if H goes he comes back with bread, milk and carrots.....amazing isn't it?
So, I went to the cheapest supermarket there is, bought heavy and bulky goods like tins, toilet paper, washing powder and then I gave H £40 and said that I wasn't going near a shop, it was up to him....and I meant it.
Wow....thursday...nothing, friday....nothing, Saturday a loaf of bread, monday....nothing but some cream cheese, tuesday..."H, can you give me £5 for vegetables, I need to make some soup..."
" You want me to lend you some?"
"No...give it to me, out of the housekeeping I gave you"
"what housekeeping?"
"The £40 housekeeping I gave you to do shopping because you buy what we need and I buy what we want....and we have to save money"
"Oh, that's what that was? I thought that was the £40 from Sophie!"
See? He listens to everything I say.
I have never seen our fridge so empty, I was so good though, I didn't whine about how mean he was being because I was hoping he would be! He was even better at it than I thought he would be and all because he hadn't listened / heard a word I said!
He had a great day on wednesday though and spent the rest of this weeks housekeeping so I didn't say something like "hey you only needed £10 this week, cool here's this weeks tenner!"
This week I didn't even go and buy the heavy stuff, I handed H £60 and he is on his own, I am not going near a supermarket which is hard for me because I do love to shop.
H is marvellous, everytime he buys something he puts the receipts on the fridge, now if I were in his shoes I am pretty sure that is not what I would do, I would shop as cheaply as possible, try really hard to make sure some of that money was left and I would count that as my bonus.
I am told I am like my great Nana, who was married to a bit of a meaner, he would ask her the price of various foods, have her make up a list of everything she would need for the week, add it up and give her the exact amount. She then would buy ( for example) pork sausage instead of beef, small differences like that and she would save what little she had managed to knock off the balance and when she had saved enough, she would buy herself some jewellery. That's my kind of girl!
H is so into doing the shopping and I am finding little memos to himself of things he has noticed are low...I think we may hang onto this new plan, when I get back from Boston and don't have to count every penny, I think we will still share the shopping because he loves it as much as I do and it really does save money. I can't resist a bargain, I buy things in bulk because I like to feel I am saving money, sometimes it does save, sometimes I just end up buying stuff we simply do not need.
I am very ready for a shopping spree, I can do this whole not spending thing, the scrimping and saving, the look but don't buy...but only for so long! I am ready to christmas shop, Target shop, any kind of shopping. Bring it on.
5 weeks until Christmas, that's close isn't it? 3 weeks to Boston and today H said grandpa is hoping to visit before Christmas. I hope he lets us know when very soon, I love that H will get a day or two in London, he is due a break and he loves to go and meet his dad, spend a day in London and then bring him back. It'll be lovely to have grandpa here again, he hasn't seen this house and hasn't visited us here for 2 years or so, I can't wait to have him here again.
I don't even feel nervous about flying this time ( yet) I have my drugs and they worked so well last time I know that if I feel scared I shall take one of those marvellous little tablets and wake up an hour or so into the flight! I'll even have Sophie to nudge me if I snore, perfect!
3 more weeks, that's all. Marvellous.

So, for my thousandth ( is that a word?) post, some GOOD news.

Although my narcissistic self is loathe to detract from the the comments being left after post 999, HOORAH people love me, bring it on etc etc. Don't stop, I like it.
I am able to tell you good folks, who have listened so patiently to my enever ending whining and whittering about landlady from stupidsville, we have an end in sight.
An acceptable end at that.
I have been fair eaten away with the injustice and rage of the whole situation, how DARE she keep our money? LOOK! LOOK at the HOUSE I CLEANED on the internet priced at £249.950, with pictures of all the rooms I CLEANED. Mutter mutter, itch scratch, mutter, complain, ad nauseum.
Today, I had a marvellous idea, why not look and see if she is a member of an ombudsmen estate agents thingamijiglet. Why, yes SHE IS! This is great news, aha! Gotcha lady and all that.
I found the address of the company she is with, I wrote them an email because she must pay, she must be made an example of, how dare she play with ME?
So I wrote an email and before I hit 'send' the real me came back, the one that my mum and dad raised, that cleaned that house because I knew I should, because it was the right thing to do.
The real me shows up at all the most inopportune moments, she ruins many a good chance to retaliate, she didn't used to, when we were both younger she egged me on, told me what to say, gave me the confidence to hit out, say what I thought, show the buggers who was boss.
Age and experience has taught the real me to be a nice lady, to step back and work it out. So, the real me knew that she had to give landlady one more chance. Just one.
So, I called the office that she runs, she doesn't answer calls, she has a manager that does that so I thought I would call him and just say that I had the address for the ombudsmen and that I was about to write a complaint and let them deal with it all.
" Hello, terrible estate agency here, stupid landlady speaking, how may I help you?"
Oh my goodness, wobbly bowels but marvellously steady voice replied
" Why landlady! Helen Pissedoff here"
" Oh, er, Oh, Hello Helen, what can I do for you?"
"Well, Landlady, what are we going to do about this money situation?"
Long chat, very enlightening chat where I felt better, she felt better and the air was cleared, she did try to say
" Helen, that house really wasn't too bad you know, was it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"The house, it really wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Yes, it was. You know it was, there was poop all up the walls, every carpet was covered in dry vomit, yes, B, the house was very bad and you know what else? You know I take pictures don't you, you have SEEN me take pictures remember? The house was bad when we took it over, tell me B, how was it when we left?"
"You left it beautiful, you really did. What do you want to do about the money?"
"Well H and i have spoken and decided that we are willing to split the difference, you owe us £1.010 you send us £500, we'll take it"
"But......"
"but nothing, you understand that if I take this through the courts you will be ordered to pay me 3 times that deposit don't you?"
"Yes, but you left the tenancy early"
"We left TWO tenancies early, didn't we? We left the barn FOUR months early, we left the last house ONE month early, so we should pay you ...why?"
" I don't have any money"
" I understand that things are tough for you, I do, it must be awful but we gave you that money, you were supposed to invest it, not spend it, that money is ours and we simply cannot afford to walk away from it. This offer is a good one, pay us £250 this month, £250 next, whatever, just pay us £500"
" I don't have any money, I am losing everything and I do not even have £250"
"well, what can you do about that? "
She said she can probably get us some right now, then she will write and tell us what she will do about the rest.
I feel that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, it isn't even the money, it's the fairness. The levelling of justice or whatever the saying is. She admitted that the money is ours, that it isn't hers, she told me that we had left the house in a great state and she admitted that we had always been impeccably behaved as tenants. That's what mattered. I have been consumed with the injustice of it and was enraged that we had worked so hard and done what was right, while she appeared to be ignoring us and tearting us so poorly.
She told me how she wakes up every day and wonders how she will get through the day, that she knew she should write to me but couldn't think what to say or how to tell me that she doesn't have any money.
I imagine that we will get some money, somehow that is secondary now to the fact that she acknowledged that we were good tenants and that she had treated us badly.
I think I might itch less tonight. We can but hope.
I took the boys to see 'The waterhorse' today, glorious. As the movie began we saw some wonderful scenery and I turned to Isaac and said in my best ( which is terrible) Scottish accent
" That there's in scoretland"
He turned and said right back ( in the most splendid scottish accent, how does he know how to do that??) " Aye, Ah noooooo"
I was flabberghasted, I laughed out loud and said " Isaac! That was a JOKE!" We have repeated the same sentences over and over again and have laughed just as hard every time! Isaac told a joke and got it very, very right. What a grand day that was.

More for my benefit than entertainment, maybe!

Whenever I lie in a hot bath, I find myself having such thoughts that make me almost hurry and get out because MUST BLOG..must remember that and write it down so in 3 years time I can look back and remember and laugh ( or cry) then, by the time I have finished my ablutions, dried my tired but clean and refreshed body and put some comfy PJs and soft slippers on, I have forgotten what was so intruiging, so hysterically funny, so unbelievably important that I must document it for posterity. Not surprising because if I forget in btween legs to shave the second one,when all I have to do is lather up and rinse the razor, well, of course I'm going to blank out and blink hard in an effort to remember after 25 minutes of activity aren't I?
Today though, I was thinking about how I must sound so whiny about the endless ' must find the money' situations we are always in. ( Blimey, in a totally different train of thought, it's raining so hard I just had to turn the TV up! Better move the sofa over there while I'm at it......it'll be rained on in about 3 minutes)
So, whilst soaking away my cares just now I was thinking about the ways we are saving money to try and gather together the shortfall for the newest move. Typically, because this is so boring for anyone else but will be one of those " Oooh listen H! Remember when we did THIS?" moments in our lives ( for me, because H? When I do that in 3 years times he will nod and smile while trying not to let me see that he has his ear phones in and his iPod on and cannot hear a single word I am saying) Anyway, typically etc etc I can remember that I wanted to write this down, so here we go.
We have a card for our gas, every week we put on as much as we need and plug it in....instant warmth and hot water and no bills, marvellous, bugger if you forget and it runs out and then you have to dash out and finda garage that is open at night ( which never happens because I am organised and remember these things because every THURSDAY we must do that!)
Right now H and I only have the heating on when the boys are at home and awake, when they go to school, we wear jumpers and use blankets, when they go to bed and when they are fast asleep and toasty, we use hot water bottles and blankets and I use him when I go to bed and his side is warm and my side is hurty and cold.
We are ( again) eating what we have in the cupboards and freezer ( unless I go out with Jane and we see lime and hinger fish goujons for £1 a pack and MUST EAT THEM, which we did and YUM.) I am making £5 a day feed all of us every day and even feeding other people sometimes ( but not often)
My lovely free car is saving us a fortune, when the old one gave up the ghost it was doing 23 miles for every £10 petrol I put in it. OUCH.
The new little, zippy number that turns on a sixpence and even sings to me while I drive, ( still not over the joy of RADIO, while I drive MUSIC.....marvellous) anyway, new one, this week did 86 miles on £10 of petrol HOW FABULOUS IS THAT?? It has no clock though, which drives me batty.
I hope that tomorrow I hear that I have sold the trampoline, that would knock £100 off that lump I can't yet find.
I gave away some stuff on freecycle this weekend so the reading / dog pooh room is pretty clear so we can start putting boxes and cases in there as we pack them. I did a run to the tip and cleared a bit more space.
I had a letter from Landlady saying that she had spoken with the council and they had told her that indeed she should have invested that money and should make attempts to do so immediately.She said that she would invest ourmoney immediately ( for 2 weeks???)
I'm not sure how to feel about that, the fact that she spoke with the council worries me as that would be the very place that she could cause trouble for us.
I let go of the anger I felt when we were told that we couldn't take action against her in case she caused trouble for us for a stupid mistake I made.
I realised that she can keep £750 and then we are free of her and this house, troubles over. Her troubles are going nowhere, she has several houses that are not selling, can't be rented because they need repairs she can't afford. Most of her actions are done out of fear and ignorance, she is sinking and the £750 she can keep that belongs to us, won't even begin to help her out.
I am sure we will find what we need somehow and then we will be fine, we start again and we have what we have sought all along.
I drafted a letter to her that I will probably send tomorrow, I want her to have written notice that we are moving because the letter she wrote sounds as though she doesn't think we are actually going. She didn't give us a reference and I suspect she thinks that has stopped us being able to go. She has no idea that her word isn't of any value anyway as her reputation preceds her, especially with the agency that we are working with on the new house, our reputation however is in good stead.

This is the letter, I would appreciate your views..unless you read this mid week when it will be too late!

Dear Landlady,
Thankyou for writing and explaining about the deposit, after our conversation last week I was left feeling frustrated and somewhat disappointed.I know pretty much what is 'within our rights' and also what legally, you are entitled to do.
Due to experiences in the past, I have made it my business to know exactly where I stand and have been accused of being a little TOO obsessive about documenting and taking pictures, making sure that I won't get walked all over. I do do my homework and usually have a good knowledge of where I stand.
Since we first became your tenants, up until quite recently, I felt that we had a mutual trust and respect, both helping each other out and trying to do what is good and right. Moving to this house changed a lot of those feelings.
This house has been a bad one to live in, the appalling condition when we took it over, the sheer volume of work and expense ( and I DO appreciate that you did compensate us for our expenses, that has been the only thing that kept me from completely losing it while cleaning and heaving my way through the filth.)
Moving is incredibly stressful, horribly expensive with all the hidden expenses, cable vs freeview, BT vs cable, deposits, money up front ( that calor gas was a killer for example) vans, petrol, cleaning stuff.
This house has so many extra costs, the new toilet seat, replacing the sink ( while the sink was free the new tap, pipes, sealant etc weren't ), putting on padlocks and repairing the door and window after the attempted break in too, the list seems endless.
To move from the Barn after only EIGHT weeks was unbelievable, I was so tempted to just put my foot down and say no, but I didn't. I retracted my instructions to the estate agents and once again we put aside what would have been better for us and accomodated your wishes.

In lovely town house that we first rented, when we had every one and his aunt telling us to sit tight, force an eviction, go through the courts, we refused, I even went as far as seeing a solicitor to prevent having to put you and the new owners through that.

We were very grateful to move to the barn, we hired expensive equipment to get through that paddock and make it wonderful, we put in hours of work getting it looking lovely and we enjoyed our time there,we cleaned, we dusted and washed, we fixed the gates, we did everything we could to keep it nice. We didn't complain about the broken shower, the broken dishwasher, the fridge door that kept falling off, we just fixed what we could and forgot about the things we couldn't. We believed you when you said you would refund us the £160 for the gas in the tank, we were disappointed to hear that you wouldn't do that because 'you aren't using it ', neither are we, we don't have access to it, we have no way of making up that money.
We tried to let that go, but when we are living here, with the smell of damp, with the rain coming in the front room, having to move the sofa into the middle of the room to avoid being rained on, being magnaminous is very tough. That was the turning point, that was what made me decide that it was time to do what is best for my family.
The floor in the bathroom in this house is so much more than an inconvenience, it is dangerous, the whole floor gives when we walk into the bathroom and now the landing floor is 'bouncing' too. The smell is intolerable to me, the wood is completely rotten.
Whilst we have infinite sympathy for your plight, with empty houses and the terrible housing market ect, it really isn't our problem, we have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, not be whiners and endlessly trouble you to repair and make good.
We asked in September and again in October about the floor, when you said that you simply couldn't afford the repairs we understood and decided that the only thing we could do was move, find a house that we could hope to stay in longer than 6-12 months, that was safe and affordable for us. £750 is more than we can afford, we are given £612 a month, having to find that extra £138 every month, from benefits, for a house that has made me physically ill and the rest of us just plain miserable is just unacceptable to me. You aren't able to work with us on that and so we feel we have no choice but to leave.
So, we have found a house, perfect for us, back in the town and in our price range, parking and outside play space for the boys. We are moving on January 28th, we are happy to be able to do this and look forward to being able to settle and get our family back into a routine and contented again.
I understand that legally, you are entitled to keep £750 of our deposit, I accept that, whilst the idea that you WILL withold that money disappoints me and for a while made me furious and indignant, I now feel that to allow myself to continue to feel such anger and resentment does nothing but harm me and cause feelings of contention that I can well live without.
So, I leave the ball in your court, I do trust that you will take into consideration what is right, as well as legal. I am saddened that what used to be a mutually helpful and friendly aquaintance seems to have fallen to unhappy levels of 'what I am entitled to,' incredibly unhealthy and certainly unhappy for all of us. You can decide what steps to take next.
When we leave, I will mail a key to you and leave the rest in the house, we will leave the house relatively clean and tidy ( though don't bank on a gleaming cooker again, that stove is beyond cleaning.....even so, it is 300 times better than when we moved here! ) Although the tenacy agreement says we should leave the house in the state in which we found it, allowing for wear and tear, in all conscience I couldn't do that to another human being. ( sometimes sticking rigidly to a signed agreement isn't always called for and is, in fact a beneficial thing)
I cried every day for 5 weeks over having to move into this house, I would never expect anyone else to feel that badly.
I will contact you when we are settled in our new home, until then, after the 28th if you can contact me via mum's address that I sent you before we went away ( nice new house that makes her happy).
I hope you manage to sell / rent your houses soon, I do understand how worrying the situation must be for you. If you decide to re-rent this one I suggest you really get it repaired and made safe before any new tenants move in, it would be foolhardy to expect anyone else to be understanding under such circumstances.
So, unless we speak before then we will be out of stinking misery house on the 28th January, Yours sincerely . Helen.


I do know that it should say faithfully but I don't have faith in her and I am being incredibly sincere, so there. Also I replaced address and names with flippant comments, the original letter is more formal ( although, how I would love to write 'stinking misery house')
2 weeks, that's all until we leave this house for pastures new ( again) I feel calm and happy about it and because I just couldn't in my heart, accept that we would have to stay here, there is little packing to do because it's all still packed!
I am either numb to all this stress and suposition OR I have learned that we need just enough worry to get us moving, get the thingsthat need to be done, accomplished and no more. Worrying and wringing ofhands gets us nowhere, I can either worry until my skin falls off, or I can get on with things and sleep well ( oh glorious Nytol, my new and faithful friend) I can suppose and wonder and fret or I can Not. Think. At. All. Lovely, not thinking. I recommend it to everyone.
Do what you can, shut the door on it and see what happens. All that wisdom and only 45. I wish I could tell you some of the stuff that has led me to such blase acceptance ( and in fairness I have told most of it but some of it? Gosh darn it all, can't write it here......but ha! How liberal and laid back I am these days)
So, new week, with my littlest boy staying at school all day tomorrow .8.40am until 3.30pm.Long day for a little chap who still sucks his thumb, pees himself when very busy ( oh, never mind, it don't matter) and who falls asleep if he sits still any time after 1pm. He really IS still such a baby to me. I keep thinking about what needs to be done and saying, to myself, " Ha! I shall do that on monday /tuesday/wednesday/ thursday / friday when the boys are at school" H and I are giddy with the idea of what we can achieve, but also ( don't tell anyone) there has been a lot of talk like " when I was at the job center last week" and " When I went to such and such a place and asked about teaching in this country"
and then ( from me) " Where? Sorry? Who? When...did you? Pardon?" That sort of talk. Yes. Me too. Bloody hell. ( oh dear, was definitely going to work on my swearing and language etc but then, well bloody hell!)
So, all kinds of things going on. Indeed.

Grumpy Butts

I love it that H goes along with the PJ thing every year, this year it was Grumpy Pjs.....they looked divine as they all trotted off to bed, what a long day BUT I am so excited, I cooked the huge meal this evening, there were 13 people here and I did the whole English Christmas dinner. The great thing is, it's all done, over and finished and that means that tomorrow I have no panic, no worries, just fun. We can stay in our PJs until we go to the Movies, we can eat left overs and chocolate, we can all do whatever we feel like doing and I am absolutely making that a tradition from now on.
Everything is set out and ready for the day.







I have never had presents under the tree while they are awake before, I usually do it all when they are asleep, this year we have done so much differently and I like many of the changes.

I had some fun earlier, what can be more fun that doing this to someone else's baby?



She is so sweet and yes, I fed her chocolate, at bedtime....SMARTIES, bright pink ones and she loved them ( can you tell?) Everytime I give her chocolate she nods and gives this great sort of "uh huh" look, heaven.....this time next year I can do this with my grandbaby too and then send her / him home. I think I might have a mean streak hidden in there somewhere!!

Have a great christmas. 2 more sleeps and we'll be on our way home. Hard to believe it all went so fast! we have had a great time.
I had money left in the bank today.....I looked at it and though " hmmm, now I can keep that there or I can SPEND it" Want to hazard a guess which one won?? Yes, indeed. Now how we will get it all home??

Grabbing the bull by the horns, or something.

Right then, getting pro active, grabbing the bull by the horns and sticking two fingers up at the bloody hellness of life.
We can do this and do this we shall.
We will not starve.
I am a shopper, I love snagging buy one get one free bargains, full cupboards make me happy. we have full cupboards. Lots of them.
Today H and I went to a food store that is cheap, one of those that has you standing in the aisle saying "75p???!!! Look at that! How can they do it? Couldn't make it for less??" So we went and we spent £35 on meat and bits, enough for a week. We have cupboards....







We have a freezer full of meat and fish and we now have ( oh lawks a mercy never thought I 'd see the day) a menu plan and a cast iron promise from me that I will not step foot inside a supermarket until next week.
H will pick up bread, milk and fresh produce because he can walk in, get what we need and walk out, he is not drawn to lovely bargains and B.O.G.O.F offers.
I shall twiddle my thumbs and count the pennies saved.
It is half price listing day on Ebay tomorrow so this evening I am gathering together all our crap, I mean treasures and will list them on Ebay. The holiday will be paid for by the end of the month. Actually it is already paid for, by mum...so it will be paid back by the end of the month.
That means that next month, we will live the frugal life of lists and menu plans, H shopping and me thumb twiddling again, in order to save spending money. The exchange rate is fantastic right now, for every £ we save we get $2.....how exciting is that?? Something in our favour, good grief!!
I feel so much better now we have this plan. I never have been one to sit and give up, tempting though that may be at times. I might even go up in the scary loft and see what is sellable ...there may be treasures galore amongst all that jumble......



Look at that stuff!! Then there is the DVD player left on the doorstep, can't trace the owner of that stuff...we shall consider it a gift from the fairies and see if it can bring some cash for our hols.
So, another day another dollar we hope. Stop that bull and give me it's horns!

Hello left hand, said the right hand..what have you been up to?

I won't bore you with details ( or maybe I will, who can tell, once I start there are times I find it hard to stop, did you know that about me?) all I can say is that here in the UK, the country I love and am so happy to live in, there are different benefits agencies. It would appear that one has no idea what the other is doing. So, having spoken to one ( the one who said that I am no longer eligible for benefits) for several days, and today was told to call another one, it would appear that even though ( and I beg to differ on their decision because I am a scared old bag who shakes at the slightest challenge and although my blog would lull anyone into believing I am a bit confident and brazen, actually I can usually scarcely remember my name, my address is beyond me, ask me where I lived 3 houses but only 9 weeks ago and I say things like " that big house, the one I really liked, you know it was near the post office" ) I am deemed fit and able to work full time, the fact that I am here with a husband who can't go out to work ( although in theory he could, in reality it isn't going to work out that way and we have long accepted that and love having him here doing so much that I cannot imagine having to do myself) and my Isaac who needs extra care, not to mention the other 2, well it would seem that it is understood that I am needed here and the money is not being stopped, nor reduced or changed in any way.
Thankyou Lord and also England.
I sort of felt the last couple of days that people would wonder about H in all this. My answer to that is well, H is H and this is my blog. I don't want to discuss him as if he isn't here ( when he is..right over there eating his rhubarb and apple crumble and custard) and what his issues are are not for discussion. Not here anyway, here he just gets praised and honoured because he is a perfectly splendid man. He wears good hats and slippers ( usually not at the same time) he is my steadying thing.
When I weep and rage and panic and wail, he sits and he waits. He pats arms and he strokes backs, he does dishes and he clears jungles. He says " good job and well done and OK, very good" when I say I am just going here or there or need, or want or have done.
When I have been a snarling bear with the little people who make my ears bleed at times, when my patience has snapped and unravelled, he quietly says things like "hmm, overwhelming tonight, that Eli is a git huh?" and I know it isn't just me but he can manage to hold in his grumpiness until I am in control again.
I used to wish that he was a whizz of a business man , a financial genius who would bring home huge pay cheques and let me spend them. I often wondered where my determination to marry for money the 'next time' had gone and how loud the angels had laughed when my heart sort of tugged in this man's direction. I don't think that way anymore because I see 3 little boys who have a life I could never have imagined, not even in my most dreamiest of dreams.
I see him putting together an 'office' for little boys to sit in and relax.



I hear him reading and bringing magic into little boys' lives every day.
Riches indeed.
That said the 'git' has come back downstairs, I should go and be nice to him because he has been a particularly annoying git today and might be wondering if I am ever going to be nice to him again. Even the goofy smile and puppy eyes don't cut it when he has been a gitlike as he has been today. I do like to send them to sleep feeling that they made it through another day without being sold to the gypsies though, so I shall go over and grit my teeth ( one less in number and gaping hole seems still to be throbbing like the very devil) and be a nice mummy in the hope that he will please go to sleep and stop talking to me because it is 9.45 and I stop liking children at 7pm. Maybe it is time to stop the naps after all. Damn.