It's my party...well technically it isn't...

What an emotional time this is, the wedding is so close, 8 days! I have had so little to do with the planning of it, Jordan and Mel have done everything, they have just plodded and worked and got it done. A few rides here and some baby sitting there.
It's all done bar the shouting, wait, that wasn't the best cliche to slip in there, in fact I am astounded by the lack of shouting considering what a stressful time this is supposed to be.
There has been some shouting in this house lately, from me anyway, my goodness the shouting, it has been awful, in my head is where most of the shouting has been, so FURIOUS I have been, about everything. Absolutely everything. I have been so miserable about what to wear, have bought this and that and some more of them on line which is STUPID, don't do it, you can't see what the material is like ( that is PINK! It didn't LOOK pink in the picture!) you can't try it on ( What? Why does this not fit? WHY? It is my size, it should fit, I am obviously even fatter than I thought and WOE IS ME !) I have spent more 'saving' money than if I had just gone to a posh shop for fat people and bought a blasted suit. I gave up on the online pursuit of clothes that will make me feel beautiful and look as though I have some taste.
I went shopping, well I tried to go shopping, set off bright and early drove a few miles to the nearest town with some hope of having something suitable for me to wear. It's not too far away but the traffic is always awful so it is a pain in the bum to go there. I got there, parked, went to put my parking chip in my purse.....only to discover my purse was still at home. By the time I got home there wasn't time to set off again before it was my shift with the Eli home schooling boy.
The next day I tried again and I saw lots of clothes LOTS, rails and rails of them, in my size even, in animal prints. Leopard prints and tiger prints , also there were lots of things with stripes HORIZONTAL stripes, in my size ( which I will never divulge unless some miracle occurs and I wake up 10 sizes smaller and then I will be ALL OVER that ' oh me? Why yes I lost weight I used to be a size ENORMOUS and now, tiny, am skinny, thin, skinny) and then there was the clingy stuff, the pretty coloured, plain material that was CLINGY, clinging to every lump, bump and roll. Posture is everything and let me tell you this, the more clothes a big women tries on, the more she slumps and collapses and eventually she will scream "SOD IT ALL I JUST WONT GO!" Except I have to go. I really have to go and actually, I know that when I DO go I will be so happy to be there and see my boy get married to a girl I adore.
I knew that I was feeling the way I was because I was sad, I was worried and I hated thinking that I would have to spend the day feeling as if I wanted to crawl under a stone.
Yesterday I grabbed Sophie, I told H I wouldn't be home and I took her with me to find something, I usually hate anyone coming with me because I don't want anyone to see what size I am picking up ( Hello? Why? Will they look and think " yikes, she is FAT!" because really, that's pretty obvious anyway isn't it?) so I go alone and sometimes I find something and then I see it costs more than £5 and I put it back because who on earth would spend money on clothes that aren't going to help any?
So, off we went and bless her heart, she isn't usually known for saying the right thing but she opened that mouth of hers and said exactly the right thing, she said " Mum, I wish you had some idea of how pretty you are, because you really are and I hate you always putting yourself down"
Wouldn't you know it, we walked into a shop and I found several things I liked, non of them leopard print or stripey, I took some in the changing rooms and I came out with a pretty top, one that would go with a skirt I found 2 weeks ago that I love. Then we found jewellery, a scarf and more jewellery, bangles and rings and things that all go with the outfit. It took us an hour to find everything I need and it is SO nice and SO comfortable. I love jewellery and usually the costume stuff doesn't fit and this time I found pretty things and SOPHIE got a ring stuck on her finger! Oh joy.
I am not wearing a hat or a fascinator or whatever those things are called, Even if I didn't look stupid I would feel it and this day is too important for me to feel self conscious.
Sophie and I went next to Boots the chemist and we sat while 2 ladies did our skin and make up...that is another huge thing for me, allowing someone to touch my skin and stare at me! ( this whole autism thing, I wonder if anyone ever looks at my kids and thinks 'autism my arse, look at the neurotic mother!') She made me look pretty darn OK, she used a pore concealer ( hooray! Hate those mahoosive holes on my face) and then she used some anti red concealer, some foundation and some shiny shimmery crap followed by some 'coral' stuff which was to something or other something that needed something....what I am saying is she pushed her luck there a bit. I was all for the pore stuff and the get rid of that red ( what IS that?) stuff and then it all got a bit 'how many layers of stuff can a face take?' I got some eyeliner and some mascara and I felt very good, it was nice make up and it wasn't heavy or cloggy, I liked it. So I picked up the pore concealer and the anti red stuff and she told me the price and WHOA...she told me the prices of the other stuff she used and I couldn't do it. I did buy the 2 items that made a difference and I shook for 2 hours because I had spent that much on 2 little boxes of make up just for me. I don't regret it at all because thank goodness, I now am looking forward to getting dressed, putting my make up on, a hair dresser is coming at 8am to do my hair, I love how she does my hair and when she has done it, it stays that way for a couple of days so I know I will last all day without turning into a hay stack. I am ready and for that, I am incredibly grateful.
I actually feel as though I will be looking quite splendid. Bring it on.
The cards are written and the bottle is full.
Julie Bo and Jenn arrive early on wednesday morning and I am so excited about that I hardly know what to do. I can't wait for them to be here and to show them around, eat in little country pubs, shop in London, share the wedding with them, share my family with them and have a whole week laughing and crying and just being together. What lovely friends I have. Friends who have never met Jordan love him and have sent him and Mel love and presents. Friends who love me so much that they are as excited as I am that Julie and Jenn are coming. Cathy was planning on coming too and then she couldn't, even so she is excited for us and making sure I know she wishes she could be here too.
I get quite teary every time I think of Julie and Jenn coming all this way to see us. I smiled so widely the other day because I was telling H excited I was to spoil them and then later that day I got an email from Julie saying she was excited to get here and spoil me! That's what friendship is all about, how wonderful it is to have such people in my life.
It's not my party and anyway I'm not even crying.