On a roll.

Dear Blog, I hope I didn't hurt your feeling when I said I had no-one to turn to, I know you are here and waiting for me to share my every feeling, I appreciate that but sometimes, a girl needs a face opposite her to share the emotions and if cake is involved in some way, even better.
Last evening, at 7pm, I left the house, without so much as a bye or leave, I got in my car that had brakes that don't work very well and I drove away. Such abandon! Such a break from routine and I had a devil may care attitude because ..well, I didn't care.
H was polite yesterday and Sophie continued to ignore me. I needed to just be somewhere I could talk and so I went to my mum's house.
I usually try not to burden my mum because what can she do and I know, as a mother, there is little worse than feeling helpless when your child is sad, the thing is, she was married to my dad and H is so like my dad it is spooky and I knew she would get the whole ' I so want to smash him in the inexpressive face' thing, I can remember my mum leaving my dad once, when I was about 7 or 8, with a suitcase and she wasn't coming back because SHE COULDN'T STAND IT! I remember feeling horrified for a moment and then feeling sure that she would be back because she loved us and anyway, where would she go, with her suitcase and all? She went to the co-op and bought us all a packet of Mint Toffoes, which was a treat because it wasn't anyone's birthday and it was a tuesday. She opened the suitcase and it was completely empty apart from the 3 packs of mint toffoes. I knew then that she wouldn't ever leave us and a part of me sort of hoped that she would SAY she was leaving again so we would get sweets on a tuesday without it being anyone's birthday.
So I went and as I drove, I saw Mel and Joshua going for a walk, Joshua was pushing his toy pram and Mel had the buggy for when he got tired. I stopped the car and Josh didn't immediately notice it was my car. When he did his face lit up and he does the most splendid gasp thing, as if I am the one person he has been waiting to see and then "MAM-MAR!" Oh that one word from that one little voice is like balm to an aching soul.
I left and went to mums and I cried 'til I laughed and then I laughed til I cried and I felt better.
Way back when, in the distant past, when I flew to L.A to meet H, I remember thinking how bizarre it was to watch his family. H, his dad and his brother, Mark. 3 divorced men, living in a house together and the most extraordinary thing was that they didn't speak to each other. At all.
It was by far the most fascinating thing I had ever seen, they all seemed to know what their role was and they did it without anyone ever saying anything or commenting. Grandpa shopped, H cooked, Mark stayed in his room until the food was bought and cooked and then he went back in there when it was eaten. Grandpa went out at 5.30am, came home around 2-3pm, H went out about 9, came home at 5-6, Mark, who cares?
The laundry got done and no-one seemed to need the washing machine when someone else was using it. No-one ever seemed to need anything and if they did....there it was, who knew?
Every now and then, grandpa would walk pat H and pat him on the back. H would say "hey" and there you go, they love each other.
H would get paid and he would sometimes buy grandpa a new lawn mower but he wouldn't actually say anything or give it to him, it would just be in the garage, waiting for when Grandpa came home. Grandpa would see it and then he would walk in and say "hey, thanks" and H would smile, it was enough.
Extraordinary.
When I was in the house, with just one of them..they would talk, and they would talk and talk. All 3 of them would tell me things and ask me things, they would share secrets and feelings and then, when someone else came back, nothing.
Grandpa and Mark and a friend, Lamont would all ask me "how did you do what you did? How on earth? Look, H doesn't talk, at all. He laughs when he watches The S.impsons, that's it. He doesn't talk to anyone, about anything and suddenly, here he is laughing and talking and he does what you ask him to do...do you have ANY idea how huge that is? H doesn't do what people ask him to do, he does what he needs to do and what he wants to do but if anyone asks him ...he won't do it.
I had learned that very quickly and I get that because I am exactly the same. I can be about to do something and then someone will say " will you do..." and I can't do it, if I do it will be grumpily and full of resentment because darned if anyone is going to order ME around. So I have never asked H to do something, I just say something like " I was thinking about XYZ, my goodness if you couldn't do a better job at that, I can just see how great that would be if YOU did it" and it will be done.
By the time I left L.A Grandpa was a chatty, hugging, exclaiming softy. He bought me flowers and candy from Sees on Valentine's day. He calls here once or twice a week and H and he talk for hours.
Now H and I are living this no-one says anything life.
Can you believe that there hasn't actually been a single conversation between us about homeschooling. I can't even tell you how it all came about, how suddenly we decided that's what we are doing.
We buy bottled water because H has this thing about tap water, he has always been that way and in L.A we had a big cooler and he would go and fill those big bottles up every few weeks, sometimes, when he was at work, Grandpa would fill those buggers up from the kitchen sink and let H think he had picked up some new bottles! So suddenly, without him ever actually saying " we should use bottled water " we do and he uses it to cook rice and make squash for the boys and all these things have been slowly bubbling away under the surface, grumbling and rumbling and festering in a teeth gritting fist clenching way.
My poor mum got it all last night, punctuated with sobs and snorts, blasts and guffaws and plenty of glorious swear words. My mum doesn't swear, I heard her say "BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY CAR" once, when we went to collect an old car my Uncle was giving her and it was a manual, not automatic and she can't drive and change gears, she really can't and so she stalled that old car every 200 ft. And she punched the steering wheel and swore at that BLOODY CAR 3 times. I have never laughed so hard in my life. It was the best thing I ever heard. She also said TITS once, because she was telling us about breasts and we were snickering and biting our lips and teasing her for saying such a frumpy word like BREASTS so she said " well what SHOULD I call them? TITS?" Hilarious!! So, she doesn't swear and no-one swears around her, except me and I do swear. Usually only when I am being funny and everyone tells me it never sounds like I am swearing. This last few weeks I have been F*ing and Blinding and bollocksing Bastarding with every sentence. It has kept me going I suppose in my quest not to punch someone.
I left mum's house after dominating the conversation and oxygen for a couple of hours and I told her and Leah that ' I wasn't bloody well going to stand for it another moment, I was damn well going to give as good as I get and see if I don't. If I don't want to do something, I sodding well won't and see how THAT goes down!
Today, or was it last night? I spoke to H and I told him that I was unhappy with this whole not speaking thing, I told him that I had spoken with mum and told HER I was unhappy with it and I asked him this had come about, how, I asked him did we even decide the whole home school thing without ever actually discussing it? How and when did we decide that we would spend £6 a week on bottled water when we have perfectly good, clean nice tasting tap water? I have drunk this water my whole life, I have more teeth, in better condition that he does, I am perfectly well, I have not been poisoned, I am no longer willing, or able to pay for bottled water.
I actually believe I am as responsible as H for this situation because I go along with it all for an easy life. I also do everything to do with money, I don't tell him what I am paying, what I am struggling to pay, how much anything costs because I control the money, he has never been good with money and I learned early on that if H handles the money, trouble follows. So, I deal with the money and I don't tell him how I am doing. So of course, he gets an idea and why not? why don't we buy bottled water? And I do it and I tut and sigh and I grumble to myself and then, when something happens I EXPLODE! Yeah, how'd you like THEM APPLES? HUH???
So, I sat and I spoke to him and I actually said " I look at you at church and I watch how great they all think you are and I watch you talk and laugh and then, people will ask me " Hey is H going to camp?" and I am sick of looking like an idiot, so now, well now I tell them " I don't know, he doesn't talk to me, I expect I will find out when he needs something and sends me an email or text" and his face was a picture, he looked shocked and a little horrified because I suspect, to him, we have it pretty darn good, look how well this works, why we just flow and it works and we don't even have to do that talking thing....would you just look at how great this is? To discover that this is not good and I don't think it is fabulous at all. I talked with him about how hard it is to go along with all his great ideas and only but butter, high juice, no additive squash for the boys, bottled water and I ran though some price and how although the money hasn't gone up, all the prices have and something has to give.
I told him that the bottled water was going, I was going to buy a couple of filter jugs and that was all, today I did just that and it is fine, he is happy and so am I.
I walked into Sophie's room this morning and asked her what time she would finish work, she didn't answer me and so I walked over to her and I gave her the biggest, smackiest kiss on her cheek and I didn't stop kissing her until I felt her stiff back relax, then I walked out.
She left for work and said "bye then"
When she came home, I told her that I wanted her to come down town with me, the car was at the garage ( the brake cylinder had seized and the brake shoes had ground down..oooh funny thing, when we went to collect the car the mechanic brought the old brake shoes out and showed me and then he said " Smell that!" and shoved the old brake shoe under my nose...the thing that made me laugh most was the fact that I DID smell that rotten old thing! Also, I was happy to learn that the brake shoes were actually new ones and only one had worn down when the cylinder seized up, so I wasn't sold a Lemon of a car by the garage)
She came down to the town with me and we went for a cool drink together, then we saw a sale and found her some leggings, 2 shirts and a lovely long jacket all for £12. I know that the fight at Jordan's had a lot to do with her feeling so miserable about gaining weight and she is incapable of just saying that, she felt bad and she did her thing of fighting it out because a) she hasn't had her meds and b) she hasn't got a clue how to do it differently.
She told me that she felt so much better now that things are better with me, she is still so young emotionally, I know I am making excuses, or am I giving reasons? Who knows, I do know that even though she is 21, I still have to teach her often.
She was calmer and I had explained to her a little how Jordan is feeling. He is 23, he has a home and a baby and he is paying for this whole wedding himself. I took him and Mel to see the woman who has the dresses, Mel's dress, the 3 bridesmaid dresses and Jordan, Dan and Joshua's suits. He thought he was paying the last installment and as he paid her she said " that's great so that's just £350 to pay then" When he got back in the car his eyes were filling up and he said " I am so tired of thinking I am done and then something else comes along" I told Sophie that I had said to him that when she was paid I was going to tell her to pay some of what she owes on her dress, so he was expecting her to do that, instead, she had started yelling and he had yelled back. I explained that just as she does what she does and we all try to understand why she does them, she has to accept that other people have issues to and sometimes they are going to react badly, if she expects us to excuse her she has to expect and accept that other people will sometimes behave badly too. I also reminded her that she was in HIS home and his SON was there and that was what made it inexcusable.
We were doing well and she was calm, I knew she was thinking it through and I was very hopeful that this was going to be resolved. Then her friend called and I could tell from the one sided conversation that this girl was stirring it all up, I could see Sophie tensing up and she started to yell in the phone that they can go to F*ing hell then, see if SHE cares, see if she WANTS to still be a F*ing bridesmaid then....Oh for the love of buttonholes and confetti, I lost it. I yelled loudly " That's IT! She is NOT a friend, if she shows her face at this house I swear I am going to slap it! A good friend would be trying to smooth this all over and make it better NOT run between you and Mel tittle tattling and making it worse, put that bloody phone down RIGHT NOW!"
She did hang up and said that her friend had been speaking to Mel and Mel had found someone else to be bridesmaid etc etc and I told her that yesterday, when I saw Mel out with Josh she had looked at me and said " I don't even know what I did...why isn't she even speaking to me?" and of course then Sophie was all " I AM speaking to Mel and blah blah..."
Oh how high schooly drama-ish we all are. I told her to pick up the blasted phone and call Mel, this is family, she will never forgive herself if she cuts her nose off to spite her face. It is, I am happy to say, sorted. She is still a bit blustery about how she is mad at Jordan but I am hoping that is all bravado and will blow over as soon as she thinks everyone has forgotten about it all.
My car is mended and was £205, which is a lot but not as much as I worried it would be. The best news is that I have a super duper recovery plan with the A.A and when I call them out, if repairs are needed I have to pay £25 and they pay the rest on a lot of repairs, brake shoes are not covered but the cylinder is, so I have to send the receipt to them and they will refund me the cost of the cylinder which was £105..hoorah. Even better was Sophie and her magnificent bosoms came with me to collect the car, now I am not saying she flaunted them but they were there in all their splendidness and she stood at the counter and I had handed her the money while I put my purse away, so she stood there and said " Excuse me, can I keep half and you have half of this money because I could really have a lovely day with £102.50...and how much is THAT?" and she pointed at this stuff we had been reading about in our boredom while waiting.
" you want some of that too? It's great stuff!"
I said that we wouldn't today because I just had enough to pay for the brakes, he typed up the bill and gave us a can of that magic stuff for free, charged me £195 for it all. Well done Sophie and your magnificent bosoms.
I am excited to see if the car runs better like the magic tin says it will.
So, we have a car, can go to Gemma's wedding tomorrow and I didn't have to sell an offspring to pay for it all. Sophie is talking to me, H is talking to me and that, dear Bloggies, is enough for me.
Unless you won the lottery this evening and would like to buy me house that is.