On your marks, get set.......

I have just been to check on the boys, 11pm, everyone of them is FULLY DRESSED in bed, fast asleep. They are so excited for tomorrow they obviously want to just leap out of bed and be ready. Jeans, shirts, socks that is what being 4, 6 and nearly 7 is all about.
The garden is ready, 3 pools, waterbombs, water pistols, slip and slide, sprinklers ready, hot dogs, chips, chocolate cake.
The weather forecast......heavy rain. ARGH! Although why would it matter if they are all just going to get wet anyway right?
I believe in miracles and am convinced that forecast be damned, it WILL be sunny, if only from 10 -12.30 we will have SUNSHINE and a garden full of happy children.
Watch this space.

Where's the paper towel...my cup runneth over.

She's there.
I am holding my breath and curling up in a safe little ball, all inside my head.
She cried and really cried and she hugged me, hard.
She knows I love her. She does.
Dan is more than an angel ... who knows what to call him? He is beyond glorious.
He called and kept calling and telling her how great this was going to be.
He called when she was on the train and said that he had the staff waiting as a welcoming committee, that they were all going to play cards, eat pizza and put her hand print on the office wall.
He called when she arrived and said that she was happy and excited and that her room was ready and she started work at 9am tomorrow morning, he has told her that she will have £645 a month after tax and her accommodation has been deducted.
He has worked out how much she can spend and still have £3.000 saved by christmas. He has told her that this job is for as long as she does it well and she can make of it what she will.
He has also told her that she gets no favours, she has no chances and she had better make the most of this opportunity.
She has £8 to last her until I send some money next week. There is a new law here that forbids smoking in any public place, she cannot smoke, even in her room.
Dan will buy her credit for her phone, will take her out, she can go to his flat and hang out and he will introduce her to good people. He won't give her money.
She will be paid on August 17th, soon enough for her to have something to look forward to, long enough away for her to clean out her system. We are pretty sure that this drugs deal is very new, she has tried whatever people have given her and she liked it.
She is so skinny, tiny but not gaunt. She has never been fat but she has always been beautifully curvy. Right now there aren't many curves.
What was wonderful is that a few of her real friends, the ones that come back even when she has been revolting, they came to the station and I wish I had had my camera. They said all the right things about how lucky she was and how perfect this job was and how it was all the best of everything but will she come back and visit? Can they go and see her?
There was hugging and crying and teasing and laughing.
When she got onto the train with huge holdall, backpack ( without clanking metal mug thankyou) 2 carrier bags, a vanity case and a handbag. She stood, looking very young and with tears streaming down her face and the train began to move. Those beautiful girls who came to say goodbye, well, they yelled her name and they RAN, right alongside the train acting like war brides sending their men to war. They waved and yelled and shouted and waved ......... and she laughed.
There is so much good in this world and she tasted it this evening. I hope she feels so much of that that she can hardly believe how things were here lately.
I told her that she has been dragged down and been feeling that she is stuck, that she can't behave anyway than the way she has because people expect it of her but now, well now she gets to rewrite the book. These new people only know her as Dan's brother and will be looking to see how fantastic she is too. That she can shine and laugh and have fun. She can show them who she really is and enjoy how much they will love her.
I told her over and over that I adore her and that she has been breaking my heart but now I am looking forward to hearing how great his new life is. She can do it and the biggest part of me knows she will.
I hope she knows it. I hope that she isn't so low down that she has really forgotten how beautiful she is and how possible it all is for her to do whatever she chooses.
She told me that the last time she can remember feeling anything close to happy is when she stayed with a friend in a hostel type place for homeless teens, she said she felt good because she was 'better' than them because she still lived at home, that she chose to be there and they didn't have a family that cared like she did. When she left and I wouldn't let her come back, she said she felt like nothing. She felt lower than anyone else she knew and didn't feel she could ever feel good about herself again.
I saw her grow tonight when her good friends ( that she felt she couldn't see anymore because they were better than her) came to see her and were telling her that this was fabulous and she was so lucky and they wished THEY could have a chance like this. I watched some hope come back, I saw some straightness come back to her spine. I saw the smallest light in her eyes.
When I wrote in my letter to her that I couldn't do this one, and I pleaded with God to take this trial away, I believe he heard me. I have never asked that before, I have always asked for the strength, or the wisdom, for guidance and clarity of mind. The ability to go and do and conquer.
My boy took this one away, no accident, no happy coincidence. Almost immediately my prayer was heard and this nightmare was taken from me. Now my girl has to take her life into her hands and make good.
I will be true to my word and will be grateful for those things I have, even the leaking house and backfiring car because, truly, I have everything I could possibly need. I will not stop praying for this child of mine and I know that this is the very beginning, it is not over, it not all healed. What we have here is a fragile miracle.
I have such faith in prayer and have no doubt that prayer works. Not always do we get the answer that we long for and rarely is the solution to our problems a simple one.
I am, right now, feeling humble and incredibly grateful.
My cup runneth over.

Is it me?

Is the blogging world having a funk? It all seems a bit dull and weary to me lately. I know that I can't seem to be funny or interesting at the moment. Imagine, and me being such a wit and all usually!
It's a rum do when I can't even make myself laugh anymore! Sad to admit that many an evening I have made myself snort with n'ary a care as to whether anyone else laughed but just to be able to find humour in my life no matter how bleak, kept me going at times. Now....not very much going on in my head. I think I am having post moving idiot syndrome or something. The tough stuff is done for now ( let it go for heavens sake, I am driving myself mad with the 'when and where' thoughts ) I am completely and utterly zoned out. Physically I have slumped, have a cold and AF and could sleep at the drop of a hat. My skin is terrible, my hair like a birds nest, I am spent. My head is happy though, already we are wondering why we thought that old house was so great when all along THIS one was here and empty and longing for us to make it a home.
We've been here a week and already entertained twice, it is perfect for visitors, open and beautiful and spacious, the kids ( no matter how many) love being outside and even in the rain they run and can be heard blissfully far away in the distance. Seth has to be dragged in every evening and is only happy when he knows that tomorrow he can do it all again.
H is happy, he potters and tidies and organises and works, we are promised 3 days of sunshine, this could mean some serious clearing of waist high grass and some lawn showing up. I long to be able to enjoy the outside. We are excited to have garden parties where all our friends can come over and enjoy the garden with us.
The feel of this house is wonderful, so peaceful and calm. We have craved those feelings for years. Long may they last.
It seems incredible to us that we live here, this house is on the market at £399,995. That's big money isn't it? How did we get here? Never in a million years would we have imagined this. My favourite thing is the feeling of safety and privacy. Those huge 10ft gates with which we can lock the world out and behind, the security lighting that flashes on should anyone walk into our world. The fields and hedges. The open spaces and quiet. I LOVE quiet!
In the last 18 years I have known more fear than I would ever be able to explain, I am afraid of everything. I fear almost everything, I worry about things most people don't give a thought to. In my mind I read news headlines. I exhaust myself.
Living here has stopped so many of those thoughts. I feel as though I have been taken and placed in a whole new world. I love this. I need this. I don't think it is an accident that we came here and I hope, I really hope that we can stay long enough for it to really make a difference. I feel as though I am not in that old world anymore, I don't want any part of it. This is where I have been longing to be. It's like a castle and we have the power to pull up the drawbridge, we can keep out the things we don't want here and invite in every bit of joy we desire.
Exhale.
I hate that money can buy this kind of feeling. I wish that I had been able to find this elsewhere, maybe in my heart or my head but I didn't. I have found it behind 10 ft gates and within 3ft thick, ex cowshed walls. I have found my Nirvana .
Tainted by the fact that this isn't mine, it is temporary and we accept that we can enjoy it only as long as no-one with the money to buy it comes along. So much more than bricks and mortar. More than money. This is the answer to questions I didn't even know I had.
Thankyou.

Oh my good heavens....would you look at this!

This is our NEW HOME!! We move on june 28th, it belongs to our landlady, she is just transferring our deposit, the rent will stay the same but look, would you just LOOK!



yes all that land is for US 1 acre!!!




and so is this....double garage




and this is a whole building on its own a whole utility house ...with playroom and another bathroom.



and the kids bathroom has a jacuzzi!!!



And our bedroom leads out onto a patio...and grass and fields and COWS AND SHEEP!!!


and our room..with slopey ceilings and beautiful wood and an EN SUITE bathroom!!!!



with a double power shower, thankyouverymuchohmy gosh.



and you go UPSTAIRS to the living area which is just so bloody posh I nearly peed.



look at this kitchen with its hidden fridges and dishwasher and shiny things.



and the living room with fresh air and windows and a view
and lovely bedroom for the boys...



and this huge garage



and the doors....



and ..look, if you ever have the chance to do good, even if it seems terrifying and you can't see how it will turn out, choose to do good, it pays off. Oh dear heaven. IF this house we live in now is hard to leave......I don't even want to think about leaving the new one, let's not.