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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Where's the paper towel...my cup runneth over.

She's there.
I am holding my breath and curling up in a safe little ball, all inside my head.
She cried and really cried and she hugged me, hard.
She knows I love her. She does.
Dan is more than an angel ... who knows what to call him? He is beyond glorious.
He called and kept calling and telling her how great this was going to be.
He called when she was on the train and said that he had the staff waiting as a welcoming committee, that they were all going to play cards, eat pizza and put her hand print on the office wall.
He called when she arrived and said that she was happy and excited and that her room was ready and she started work at 9am tomorrow morning, he has told her that she will have £645 a month after tax and her accommodation has been deducted.
He has worked out how much she can spend and still have £3.000 saved by christmas. He has told her that this job is for as long as she does it well and she can make of it what she will.
He has also told her that she gets no favours, she has no chances and she had better make the most of this opportunity.
She has £8 to last her until I send some money next week. There is a new law here that forbids smoking in any public place, she cannot smoke, even in her room.
Dan will buy her credit for her phone, will take her out, she can go to his flat and hang out and he will introduce her to good people. He won't give her money.
She will be paid on August 17th, soon enough for her to have something to look forward to, long enough away for her to clean out her system. We are pretty sure that this drugs deal is very new, she has tried whatever people have given her and she liked it.
She is so skinny, tiny but not gaunt. She has never been fat but she has always been beautifully curvy. Right now there aren't many curves.
What was wonderful is that a few of her real friends, the ones that come back even when she has been revolting, they came to the station and I wish I had had my camera. They said all the right things about how lucky she was and how perfect this job was and how it was all the best of everything but will she come back and visit? Can they go and see her?
There was hugging and crying and teasing and laughing.
When she got onto the train with huge holdall, backpack ( without clanking metal mug thankyou) 2 carrier bags, a vanity case and a handbag. She stood, looking very young and with tears streaming down her face and the train began to move. Those beautiful girls who came to say goodbye, well, they yelled her name and they RAN, right alongside the train acting like war brides sending their men to war. They waved and yelled and shouted and waved ......... and she laughed.
There is so much good in this world and she tasted it this evening. I hope she feels so much of that that she can hardly believe how things were here lately.
I told her that she has been dragged down and been feeling that she is stuck, that she can't behave anyway than the way she has because people expect it of her but now, well now she gets to rewrite the book. These new people only know her as Dan's brother and will be looking to see how fantastic she is too. That she can shine and laugh and have fun. She can show them who she really is and enjoy how much they will love her.
I told her over and over that I adore her and that she has been breaking my heart but now I am looking forward to hearing how great his new life is. She can do it and the biggest part of me knows she will.
I hope she knows it. I hope that she isn't so low down that she has really forgotten how beautiful she is and how possible it all is for her to do whatever she chooses.
She told me that the last time she can remember feeling anything close to happy is when she stayed with a friend in a hostel type place for homeless teens, she said she felt good because she was 'better' than them because she still lived at home, that she chose to be there and they didn't have a family that cared like she did. When she left and I wouldn't let her come back, she said she felt like nothing. She felt lower than anyone else she knew and didn't feel she could ever feel good about herself again.
I saw her grow tonight when her good friends ( that she felt she couldn't see anymore because they were better than her) came to see her and were telling her that this was fabulous and she was so lucky and they wished THEY could have a chance like this. I watched some hope come back, I saw some straightness come back to her spine. I saw the smallest light in her eyes.
When I wrote in my letter to her that I couldn't do this one, and I pleaded with God to take this trial away, I believe he heard me. I have never asked that before, I have always asked for the strength, or the wisdom, for guidance and clarity of mind. The ability to go and do and conquer.
My boy took this one away, no accident, no happy coincidence. Almost immediately my prayer was heard and this nightmare was taken from me. Now my girl has to take her life into her hands and make good.
I will be true to my word and will be grateful for those things I have, even the leaking house and backfiring car because, truly, I have everything I could possibly need. I will not stop praying for this child of mine and I know that this is the very beginning, it is not over, it not all healed. What we have here is a fragile miracle.
I have such faith in prayer and have no doubt that prayer works. Not always do we get the answer that we long for and rarely is the solution to our problems a simple one.
I am, right now, feeling humble and incredibly grateful.
My cup runneth over.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Julie Q said...

She is beautiful Helen.

I hope she takes this opportunity and uses it well.

12:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sophie looks so much like you. It makes me wonder if you knew how beautiful you were at that age and still are. I'm glad you can at least take a breath now and hope is a wonderful thing isn't it? What would we do without it?

10:35 am  
Blogger Clara....in TN said...

I'm so happy! I think Sophie is on the right track. May things continue to go well, and may Sophie realize what a wonderful life she can make for herself. She is beautiful.

2:11 pm  
Blogger mom of 2 said...

Definitely an answered prayer...that is awesome! I hope she does well!

2:57 pm  
Blogger Moobear said...

Helen, I am so happy for both you and Sofie. I wish her the very best! She IS a very pretty young lady too.

10:18 pm  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

You give me faith Helen.. good things will happen.

2:28 am  
Blogger Ranni said...

I hate to play copy cat, but I was going to write exactly what julie julie bo boolie said, lol. You do give me hope!

7:52 pm  

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