Rough start.

Today was a rough one to begin with ( still only 11.35am and the day seems long ahead of me!)
So much has changed in the past few weeks that today it slammed in on me. Much of it has been good change, much of it scary, more leaves me with that dreaded feeling of being absolutely and completely out of control.
When I manage to stop myself imagining the worst I can see quite clearly that this isn't terrible. I am in control, mostly!
This whole moving thing could turn out to be the making of us, I can see enormous chances for growth and the possibility of making it work very well for our family.
The opportunities are endless. I have seen, without our having planned it, just what H and I are capable of. I have learned some fascinating facts about us, seen quite clearly that we have strengths we didn't know we had. Cool.
I can see that we could almost make a business out of what we have learned lately.
How many empty properties are there that could use some TLC and some kerbside tittivating? I wonder how many buildings are sitting unloved and perhaps filled with junk that could be cleared, cleaned, loved and sold?
How many jungle like gardens could use some tidying and clearing to make the properties look more appealing?
Whenever we move out of a house we have rented the landlord will make a comment about how the stove is cleaner than they have ever seen it, how the carpets look great ( not in our last house though, ack those were BAD carpets!!) So many opportunities, for now just ideas but maybe not for long.
I am clueless to the world of self employment. I am intrigued and feel sure that there is a market out there for things H and I excel at. The boys are growing, in January, Eli will be at school full time ( can you believe that??)
My head works in such a way that to be tied down to certain times and days and expectations is so frightening to me that I can't imagine it ever happening. I am so afraid of letting people down that it happens because my fears paralyse me. As long as I feel I am doing something because I choose to, I am able to do it, as soon as I feel obligated I fail. Most people are like that to a degree aren't they? Something that is hinged on my choices, my control and my talents is enormously appealing to me. Is it possible? I think so.
I snot cried for too long this morning. I feel a bit precious and in need of some gentle, never going to come from H, loving support. A fair bit of ego pumping and some brow stroking would be heaven. H has many great qualities, pampering to my girlie weaknesses is never going to be among them.
Crying is alien to H, he doesn't get it, can't understand it and the very idea that he could put a stop to it quickly by putting his arms around me and saying it will be OK, well........give us a shout when those pigs fly! He sort of hrumphs and tuts and shuffles awkwardly, mutters about my being unreasonable and wonders almost aloud about how I can have come to such bizarre and grossly exaggerated conclusions.
The Lord knows what he is doing and by giving H sons I think was a good move, apart from the fact that he is showing his sons that emotions are ridiculous and big boys don't cry etc. Luckily they have mothers who aren't a bit afraid of kissing them soundly in the middle of the street and loudly proclaiming undying love at the school gates, all evens out in the end we hope.
H is building a website, a very cool one that has obviously taken enormous amounts of work. He mentioned it in passing a little while ago and then when it came time to set it up and make it real he told me a little bit more ( and asked for the bank card to pay for it) check it out, maybe it won't appeal to too many as it is a church based site, but even if the subject isn't of your choosing you can see how good it is and what work has gone into it.
" WOW!" said I , with genuine interest and wifely pride" how long has this taken to build?"
" hard to say" was his reply. This is how our lives go, you know, me trying to talk and share things, him trying desperately not to give anything away or have me fawn over him.
Wall, head and much banging.
Mostly we are happy, sometimes I long for some romance or some communication or something. I pointed out a handsome young man carrying a beautiful bouquet of flowers on friday. " LOOK! Some men do that you know, buy flowers and pretty things for the women in their lives" ( as opposed to kneeling pads and anti wrinkle capsules from the dollar store)
" hmmmmm" he replied, with puzzled expression on his face " he looks like he is on his way to the cemetery"
*SIGH*
I hate it when he asks the boys " WHY ARE YOU CRYING?? QUIT CRYING!" I will point out that they are crying because they are sad, frustrated, angry etc
and are quite within their rights to weep.
"well how does THAT help??"
How do you explain feelings of the heart to someone who doesn't feel much emotion ( although I did see him well up when we finished a particularly delicious lamb roast once, when his children were born...not a flicker) I imagine it must be akin to my feelings the sight of an iPod or iPhone, I don't get it, whats all the fuss? Why do people care about those things? What? Ppptttttttttth. Mamby pamby emotions and all that stuff.
We are Jack Sprat and his wife, opposites and the same all at once. I feel like I bend to his choosing way more than he does to mine, he feels he lives by my rule more than I do to his. My suffering is greater than yours. Na na na na na.
the thing is, when push comes to shove I am pretty sure neither of us would change very much about what we have, who we are and where we are headed. More kissing would be on my list, less talking would be on his. ( which actually works, if he were kissing me, how could I talk???)
So, crying stopped for a while, thank heavens, how much more puffy could my nose and eyes stand to be?
I do appreciate those of you that tell me I am ( insert pretty much any positive word here) I feel as though I am endlessly whining and really I don't mean to, because things are really pretty good for us.
We are considerably poorer at the moment, £480 a month poorer actually. Even with that, we are calmer than we have been for a long time. It will take some getting used to, our new budget, we can do it though and we will do it. I have a feeling that changes are coming that will mean a whole new life for us. You'll be the first to know when they happen.