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Where, What, When, Why and lets not forget Howard.
I can hardly believe I haven't blogged for a few days, I thought I skipped yesterday but it was sunday I last wrote. Actually, truth be told, I HAVE blogged but never hit the publish button, only the delete because Lawks a Mercy those entries were so M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. I was depressed when I wrote them and about ready to jump off the trampoline and never mind the safety net by the time I re-read them. I couldn't put you through it. Hell, cheer up already why can't I?
H is getting the brunt of it, well deserved I suspect as he is making my last nerve hit the high note without even trying. Same old H, beloved one minute, loathed the next and all without skipping a beat. What is it with me and him and marriage and all that jazz? How can he make my heart skip one moment and my head explode the next without changing a thing? I think that may well be the problem right there. The same old, never changing, no skipping thing.
I am 45 in 6 days.
FORTY FIVE.
Old.
Where am I ? Why am I here? Where have I been and where, please tell me, am I going? Why, at this age, am I still floundering and getting nowhere? What happened to the passion I never had or the romance or the fun or the grand gestures? What about plans and dreams and all those 'when I grow up' fantasies? Any fantasies actually.
This was most definitely NOT how it was going to be. Ever. Not in my dreams anyway.
I am so angry, furious even because life has got me and made me old before I am ready. I am still so full of energy and ready for all kinds of excitement and what do we have? Old age living. Steady as you go, fish on fridays, don't rock the boat and always knowing what we will be doing at 8pm and it is never anything that makes my heart race or my stomach flip.
I am spending way too much time with a flippertygibbet screaming inside my head " HEY!! Have some fun! Make hay while the sun shines! Laugh some more! Grab that chance!" and I try but ........gah what's the use?
No-one wants to play.
I do all the stuff around here, you know the shitty stuff, bills and phone calls and shopping and laundry and finding homes and filling in forms and grown up stuff. H does the dishes and he reads and plays with the boys and he does anything and everything that feels alright with him. He is a good man.
I do the birthdays and the social things, we have been having people over to our posh barn and entertaining and enjoying the company of friends, apparently we are quite the place to be and I hear there could well be a bit of a wish list of people who are hoping to come over, I like that, I LOVE that. H enjoys it I think, he doesn't suggest or invite ( except mum amd Leah he invited them before I got to it) but he welcomes and enjoys and says " that went well I think."
What is making me grind my teeth is this.
" H is amazing. I LOVE H. Isn't H just incredible? What about that H then? " much shaking of heads and marvelling about his greatness.
Grind.
Today, mum and Leah, Gemma and her boys came for dinner. Gammon steaks, egg, chips, peas. Fish fingers chips and peas for 5 little boys. Me. Shopped for, planned, cooked, served.
Mum arrives and looked in the garden, proclaimed about how clever H is ( for cutting the grass, yes, it was a tough job, well done indeed.) House looks amazing. HOUSE LOOKS AMAZING...It does. I did the house I DID THE HOUSE! ALL OF IT! Bedrooms and stairs and upstairs and HEY! HOW DOES THE HOUSE LOOK???
Leah comes upstairs "WOW! Howard, somethings smells GREAT up here"
OK Lady, that did it " WHY HOWARD?? Leah????!! Why Howard? He is just sitting here with his laptop.
I shopped, cooked dished..I DID IT! Tell ME how it smells. please. She told me that it is because he has always cooked when she has been over.( Or, once when she came he cooked, the other 3 gazillion times it has been me, always me. ME.
Leah don't take this too much to heart you are one in 3098 people who have told me this month just how amazing my husband is but wait and see if he remembers my birthday, wait and see) He is amazing and mostly I am first to point it out but lately, I am invisible to him, more than normal and my upcoming 45 yearness is making me scream for attention, make me feel young and feminine and wanted and important and anything but old and over it and finished and useless. But this is H and he is as he is and these emotional outbursts are all so high maintenance and must be ignored at all costs, she will get over this if I just ignore it and pretend I have no idea what the problem is. Please God.
I am stamping my feet ( metaphorically of course) NOTICE ME dammit.
Notice me.
H is getting the brunt of it, well deserved I suspect as he is making my last nerve hit the high note without even trying. Same old H, beloved one minute, loathed the next and all without skipping a beat. What is it with me and him and marriage and all that jazz? How can he make my heart skip one moment and my head explode the next without changing a thing? I think that may well be the problem right there. The same old, never changing, no skipping thing.
I am 45 in 6 days.
FORTY FIVE.
Old.
Where am I ? Why am I here? Where have I been and where, please tell me, am I going? Why, at this age, am I still floundering and getting nowhere? What happened to the passion I never had or the romance or the fun or the grand gestures? What about plans and dreams and all those 'when I grow up' fantasies? Any fantasies actually.
This was most definitely NOT how it was going to be. Ever. Not in my dreams anyway.
I am so angry, furious even because life has got me and made me old before I am ready. I am still so full of energy and ready for all kinds of excitement and what do we have? Old age living. Steady as you go, fish on fridays, don't rock the boat and always knowing what we will be doing at 8pm and it is never anything that makes my heart race or my stomach flip.
I am spending way too much time with a flippertygibbet screaming inside my head " HEY!! Have some fun! Make hay while the sun shines! Laugh some more! Grab that chance!" and I try but ........gah what's the use?
No-one wants to play.
I do all the stuff around here, you know the shitty stuff, bills and phone calls and shopping and laundry and finding homes and filling in forms and grown up stuff. H does the dishes and he reads and plays with the boys and he does anything and everything that feels alright with him. He is a good man.
I do the birthdays and the social things, we have been having people over to our posh barn and entertaining and enjoying the company of friends, apparently we are quite the place to be and I hear there could well be a bit of a wish list of people who are hoping to come over, I like that, I LOVE that. H enjoys it I think, he doesn't suggest or invite ( except mum amd Leah he invited them before I got to it) but he welcomes and enjoys and says " that went well I think."
What is making me grind my teeth is this.
" H is amazing. I LOVE H. Isn't H just incredible? What about that H then? " much shaking of heads and marvelling about his greatness.
Grind.
Today, mum and Leah, Gemma and her boys came for dinner. Gammon steaks, egg, chips, peas. Fish fingers chips and peas for 5 little boys. Me. Shopped for, planned, cooked, served.
Mum arrives and looked in the garden, proclaimed about how clever H is ( for cutting the grass, yes, it was a tough job, well done indeed.) House looks amazing. HOUSE LOOKS AMAZING...It does. I did the house I DID THE HOUSE! ALL OF IT! Bedrooms and stairs and upstairs and HEY! HOW DOES THE HOUSE LOOK???
Leah comes upstairs "WOW! Howard, somethings smells GREAT up here"
OK Lady, that did it " WHY HOWARD?? Leah????!! Why Howard? He is just sitting here with his laptop.
I shopped, cooked dished..I DID IT! Tell ME how it smells. please. She told me that it is because he has always cooked when she has been over.( Or, once when she came he cooked, the other 3 gazillion times it has been me, always me. ME.
Leah don't take this too much to heart you are one in 3098 people who have told me this month just how amazing my husband is but wait and see if he remembers my birthday, wait and see) He is amazing and mostly I am first to point it out but lately, I am invisible to him, more than normal and my upcoming 45 yearness is making me scream for attention, make me feel young and feminine and wanted and important and anything but old and over it and finished and useless. But this is H and he is as he is and these emotional outbursts are all so high maintenance and must be ignored at all costs, she will get over this if I just ignore it and pretend I have no idea what the problem is. Please God.
I am stamping my feet ( metaphorically of course) NOTICE ME dammit.
Notice me.
posted by The other me | 9:29 pm
4 Comments:
This reminds me so much of my family (and with BOTH hubands). Oh isn't he great, look he changed a diaper. Yeah, like once or twice in a week maybe. Any idea how many I changed? Well, dear that is your job isn't it? Makes me sick. I pepare all the food make it ready and he throws it on the grill that I cleaned too. Oh Jav is such a wonderful cook! Sure, if you want a meat meal. actually he can cook, just doesn't much.
Wait until you have been married to him 50 years. I feel like a Mother to my DH. That's all I have to say!!!
I'm sorry you feel old Helen. As you know, I'm just a mere two years behind you. And yes, I have my days.
I don't feel like that towards Ken, of course he's never home any more anyway. :( The kids, Ugh! Of course you know about teenagers. Yes, I could use some attention myself. *Sigh*
You deserve joy and thrills and passion galore ... hopefully you can find some way to achieve it. Me? I like taking classes (dance mostly but I'm hoping to tack on things like maybe pottery or maybe a book club or something). Lord knows if I wait for Gunther I might as well petrify into stone. Thankfully he's pretty good at watching the kids while I make hay :)
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