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Dearest Sophie.
I. can't. save. you.
I have nothing I can do, nothing to say that you will hear. I am powerless and I have to step back and watch what you are doing to yourself.
TO YOURSELF.
This, my girl is YOUR life. Yours. Amazing that even though I gave you life, even though I was the means of your being here. I cannot live this for you. Would that I could, I wish with every quivering fibre of my being that I could crawl inside you still incredible body and take over. But I can't.
For 18 years I have fought your corner.
I gave birth to you and when, 10 weeks later your dad walked out, it was because of you that I spat such rage. I KNEW that you would somehow grow up feeling that this was your doing, that because this stupid man, and that's all he is, a stupid man, had no vision, because he had absolutely no idea what treasure he had right in front of his eyes, so he walked in search of happiness and treasure. Stupid, stupid man.
He didn't walk from you, he is running from himself. IS he happy Soph? Is he? Did he find what he left for? He's still running.
Your childhood without the daddy you craved was sad for you. Your epilepsy made things difficult. That was then, this is now. Don't let the past wreck the future, don't let disappointments ruin the possibilities. Don't.
You have such memories in your head, so different from mine, so filled with belief that you were never loved, that everyone was better than you. No-one is better than you beautiful girl.
When you would clear the playground because you were so in everyones face, when you couldn't, because you were poorly, learn how to play nicely and have friends, I fought for you. I helped you make friends and you had fun.
When your dad would let you down I cried for you.
When you were left behind because he would take the boys and not you...I would make up for his loss.
HE was the one that missed out sweetheart.
When he made you sad at christmas, I drove 200 miles to get you, I made Christmas, I found Santa and you had magic. I did that because I adore you. You are my girl.
When I stick to what I say, when I tell you how something will be, when I give you a consequence and I stick with it and I have to endure the rages and the screaming and the swearing and the pure hatred, I do that because I love you. Sophie, I love you.
When you were 5 and you wouldn't sleep, when I was a single mother with 2 little boys who were so hurt and sad and I had you with your epilepsy and all your behavioural issues, when you would come downstairs again and again and again. What did I do? I gave you a choice, you could stay in your room and read a book , listen to your music, play quietly or you could sit in the downstairs bathroom, with the door open but no toys, no company, no books. You screamed for 3 1/2 hours that first night, every 5 minutes I would remind you that you had a choice, your room, with books and music or the toilet. Again and again and again. The next night you screamed for an hour, the 3rd night you came downstairs, looked at me and said " Ok, I will go and read a book" and from that night you stayed in your room and you were happy.
How did that get turned into a memory of being locked in a bathroom while I played with the boys?
I would never do anything like that Sophie. I had to teach you to sleep, I had to do something to make sure that I had some time in the evenings to recoup, to recover and be ready to face another day. For 10 years I was single, I refused to date, I had my friendship with Gary, the one man I had ever really loved. I kept him apart from you mostly because he wasn't free to be with us. When I saw that you adored him that you wanted him to be your daddy, I had to end it, be lonely again and hope that you weren't too damaged. I got that wrong. I'm sorry. He didn't leave you like your dad, he was never ours in the first place. I took what wasn't mine to take and when you do that....well you will always suffer in the end.
When I met H, I was happy. I thought that here was our family, here was the man that you could love and who would be an example to you. I wanted more family, I wanted someone to love- that loved me, I was tired of being alone.
I can see how you felt that you were pushed out, you're right you did miss out a bit, going from having my every attention, my constant company to having to learn that I am allowed to love too, that sometimes I can and should have time for me.
I had 3 more children, little boys with their own personalities and quirks and needs and blessings. I didn't stop loving you when they were born, not an ounce of your love went to them.....you are my only girl, my most precious daughter, my heart. Always.
I made a mistake for those 10 years in allowing you children to believe that my sole purpose was to cater to you.
You are my only girl and such a beautiful one that it's impossible not to marvel at how stunning you are.
I am, if I'm honest, a little in awe of your confidence, those same impressive boobs that I had, that I hid and covered and was embarrassed by, well you love yours, you stick those babies out and you hold your head up high. You appear to be so unafraid by anything and I am afraid of everything.
I can see what you think you are hiding though and I know you ARE afraid. I know you are sad and I know that you want the mummy to save you. I cannot do that. If I thought that grabbing you and bringing you home, if I believed that doing that would work, that you would cry and be sorry and want to try something different that WOULD make you happy, in less than a heartbeat I would do it.
Snorting white powder will not make you happy, it will not make your world a better place.
It IS NOT helping you little girl. You look like hell, like a girl who has nothing to live for, who is on the brink of disaster. I saw you with those people and I died inside a bit. What do yellow skinned, bleary eyed, tattooed 50 year olds want with a beautiful, sad little girl?
They want to strip you of everything they lost years ago, they want your soul precious girl. They want you hooked so that you will have to do what they want to keep getting your fix, this happiness you tell me about.
THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.
They aren't my darlin' they are the devil in very poor disguise. I would sell my soul and give my heart to save you, to make you see that you are killing yourself.
By letting me 'find out' what you are doing so easily, I hope that means that you don't want to be doing this, that you want to stop, that maybe it is a sad attempt to find something missing. I am ignoring the voices that tell me I am clinging to feeble hopes.
I hope that one day you will be a mother that you will hold a child of your own in your arms and know, in an instant what it is to love. I will pray, every day of my life that you will never, ever have to stand back and watch that child destroy her/himself and be powerless to help.
I can't save you sweetheart, I can't stop you, I can't make any of this better. I have to wait until you want to change it, until you come to me and tell me that you want it to be different, I have to let you believe that you are on your own, feed you when you are hungry, tell you I love you and hope that one day you believe it.
This is not fun, I am not sitting here in this house happy that you aren't here bothering me anymore.
I am here praying that you won't die today.
I lie awake hoping that you are with safe people, that you ate today, that you are sleeping at Jordan's and that you will wake up soon and want things to change that you will use some ( or all ) of that bloody mindedness to fight these demons and realise that you are of such infinite worth that drugs and drink and men with yellow skin and hooded eyes are not what you need and definitely not what you want.
The whole world is at your feet my girl. You are able to be and do and have whatever your heart desires. Nobody can stop you doing the great things you dream of when you think no-one is looking. You can have it all.
IF YOU DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
There is love in buckets waiting for you, people holding their breath waiting for you to come and get it.
I wrote journals in the olden days, in the days before blogs. I wrote so many of them it was hard to carry them. Every time I wrote them I would imagine showing you, as you grew, that I felt what you feel, I thought that I could use them to show you that I was young once, I could prove that as you grew up I wrote how much I loved you, I wrote about all your exploits and the crazy stuff you got up to. You made me laugh and cry every day of your childhood. You were the most stunning baby, white blond hair, chunky thighs and a laugh that was irresistable. I could never go out without people stopping me to tell me how glorious you were.
Every one of those journals were lost. Every single one gone on the journey over to America. Every bit of written proof that you are my heart, that since the day I first saw you I was determined that you were going to know what greatness and joy were.
Every written memory to show that you ARE loved , that you have never been a reject or an after thought. I am so sad about because it was real and undeniable, you would never be able to yell at me that I have never loved you. All those books.
Every picture of that laughing little girl who captivated us all with her naughtiness and joy. Lost, memories of a happy girlie gone forever. No matter that I still have it all in my head and my heart, you don't believe anything I say anymore. I am so sad. I want to thrust them in your face and make you see that you are so WRONG, that you have always been loved and treasured and so valuable to me.
Show you how you laughed all day and how we took endless pictures of that chunky little white haired girl who hid kittens in her backpack and ran away with imaginary friends. That cheeky 3 year old who poured 40 bottles of shampoo and bubble bath, conditioner and toilet cleaner in the bath.
the little girl who would ask strangers to be her daddy and bury sleeping holiday makers in the sand. Sweet little girl who kept me on my toes from morning til night and then some.
I saw that you had found my blog. I hope you come back and find this. I hope even more that you believe it.
Every word is true. I promise you.
You are so glorious, my heart is breaking to see you looking this way, dull hair, grey skin, dull eyes. Don't do it Sophie.
Please hear me when I say that I love you but this is something that you have to do for yourself. If you don't learn to love yourself, the real Sophie Alex, if you can't see that you are worth fighting for, worth working for, well the battle is lost. This is up to you and all you have to do is call for me, tell me what you need, show me that you are ready and desperate to help yourself and I will be by your side so fast your head will spin. What I can't do is make it easy for you, the best things in life always come from hard work and are almost always the result of blood sweat and tears.
I think of how sheltered my life was, of how I reached 25 without ever having first hand experience of anything that I read about in the news, divorce, child abuse, drugs, homosexuality. None of it of any importance to me because it didn't affect me, not in my world.
Divorce...horrible but not the end of the world, we did it, got through it.
Child abuse....all done. finished, over and beaten. Talked about until I could puke and now the monster is dead.
Drugs...this one was the one that frightened me least, stupid people do drugs, no hopers, my kids aren't stupid and they know how much they are worth, they won't do drugs, not mine. NOT MINE!
Dear God, save my girl.
Please send someone or something to show her how precious she is, she won't listen to me, I can't make her see.
Please don't make me do this, don't make me watch this child kill herself or lose herself or ruin her life. Please. Oh Please.
I did all that other stuff, I did. I got my boys through the abduction and abuse. I learned that homosexuality isn't the end of my boy being my boy.
I see that a child with disabilities is a blessing and not a curse.
I understand that losing my dad isn't the end, that although I miss him I will see him again. I know that, I do.
I live with the memories and the hurt and the pain of all those things I have lived through and I even manage to see the good that has come through those trials, but this one, please don't make me watch this, because this girl is too precious and I am just not strong enough or clever enough to help her. She needs you to do it and I need you to do it. And I am begging you to take this one away.
I will live without the material fripperies that I think I long for, I will move house and clean other people's house, I will make do and mend, I will stick with my old car with it's back firing exhaust, I will let this beautiful house go and be grateful for that stinking one with the leaking ceilings but please don't let my girl do this to herself, send in the cavalry, the knight in shining armour, the miracle. For me and for her.
Please help my girl.
Oh my Sophie, you are worth the fight, you are worth the time and effort and energy, I will match everything you give to yourself, but you have to go first. This is your fight Sophie, get your gloves on and stand in your corner,I'll hold your towel and cheer the loudest. I love you. Always, I do. Honestly. Mum xxx
P.S. Message to scumbag people responsible for helping my daughter in anyway to harm herself.
She has a brother that is a police officer, a dad ( useless in many ways but handy in some)who is a prison officer, a brother who for some reason, although a gentle giant, has no worries at all about beating the living shit out of people he discovers have hurt his family and she has me. A mother who has vowed and is totally unafraid to kill with her bare hands, anyone who is ever again directly responsible for the abuse or long term suffering of one of her children. Idle threats? Don't try me. When my child is involved my my fears leave me, there will be no head bowing, no scuttling, no hiding and no timidity.
Watch and see.
I have nothing I can do, nothing to say that you will hear. I am powerless and I have to step back and watch what you are doing to yourself.
TO YOURSELF.
This, my girl is YOUR life. Yours. Amazing that even though I gave you life, even though I was the means of your being here. I cannot live this for you. Would that I could, I wish with every quivering fibre of my being that I could crawl inside you still incredible body and take over. But I can't.
For 18 years I have fought your corner.
I gave birth to you and when, 10 weeks later your dad walked out, it was because of you that I spat such rage. I KNEW that you would somehow grow up feeling that this was your doing, that because this stupid man, and that's all he is, a stupid man, had no vision, because he had absolutely no idea what treasure he had right in front of his eyes, so he walked in search of happiness and treasure. Stupid, stupid man.
He didn't walk from you, he is running from himself. IS he happy Soph? Is he? Did he find what he left for? He's still running.
Your childhood without the daddy you craved was sad for you. Your epilepsy made things difficult. That was then, this is now. Don't let the past wreck the future, don't let disappointments ruin the possibilities. Don't.
You have such memories in your head, so different from mine, so filled with belief that you were never loved, that everyone was better than you. No-one is better than you beautiful girl.
When you would clear the playground because you were so in everyones face, when you couldn't, because you were poorly, learn how to play nicely and have friends, I fought for you. I helped you make friends and you had fun.
When your dad would let you down I cried for you.
When you were left behind because he would take the boys and not you...I would make up for his loss.
HE was the one that missed out sweetheart.
When he made you sad at christmas, I drove 200 miles to get you, I made Christmas, I found Santa and you had magic. I did that because I adore you. You are my girl.
When I stick to what I say, when I tell you how something will be, when I give you a consequence and I stick with it and I have to endure the rages and the screaming and the swearing and the pure hatred, I do that because I love you. Sophie, I love you.
When you were 5 and you wouldn't sleep, when I was a single mother with 2 little boys who were so hurt and sad and I had you with your epilepsy and all your behavioural issues, when you would come downstairs again and again and again. What did I do? I gave you a choice, you could stay in your room and read a book , listen to your music, play quietly or you could sit in the downstairs bathroom, with the door open but no toys, no company, no books. You screamed for 3 1/2 hours that first night, every 5 minutes I would remind you that you had a choice, your room, with books and music or the toilet. Again and again and again. The next night you screamed for an hour, the 3rd night you came downstairs, looked at me and said " Ok, I will go and read a book" and from that night you stayed in your room and you were happy.
How did that get turned into a memory of being locked in a bathroom while I played with the boys?
I would never do anything like that Sophie. I had to teach you to sleep, I had to do something to make sure that I had some time in the evenings to recoup, to recover and be ready to face another day. For 10 years I was single, I refused to date, I had my friendship with Gary, the one man I had ever really loved. I kept him apart from you mostly because he wasn't free to be with us. When I saw that you adored him that you wanted him to be your daddy, I had to end it, be lonely again and hope that you weren't too damaged. I got that wrong. I'm sorry. He didn't leave you like your dad, he was never ours in the first place. I took what wasn't mine to take and when you do that....well you will always suffer in the end.
When I met H, I was happy. I thought that here was our family, here was the man that you could love and who would be an example to you. I wanted more family, I wanted someone to love- that loved me, I was tired of being alone.
I can see how you felt that you were pushed out, you're right you did miss out a bit, going from having my every attention, my constant company to having to learn that I am allowed to love too, that sometimes I can and should have time for me.
I had 3 more children, little boys with their own personalities and quirks and needs and blessings. I didn't stop loving you when they were born, not an ounce of your love went to them.....you are my only girl, my most precious daughter, my heart. Always.
I made a mistake for those 10 years in allowing you children to believe that my sole purpose was to cater to you.
You are my only girl and such a beautiful one that it's impossible not to marvel at how stunning you are.
I am, if I'm honest, a little in awe of your confidence, those same impressive boobs that I had, that I hid and covered and was embarrassed by, well you love yours, you stick those babies out and you hold your head up high. You appear to be so unafraid by anything and I am afraid of everything.
I can see what you think you are hiding though and I know you ARE afraid. I know you are sad and I know that you want the mummy to save you. I cannot do that. If I thought that grabbing you and bringing you home, if I believed that doing that would work, that you would cry and be sorry and want to try something different that WOULD make you happy, in less than a heartbeat I would do it.
Snorting white powder will not make you happy, it will not make your world a better place.
It IS NOT helping you little girl. You look like hell, like a girl who has nothing to live for, who is on the brink of disaster. I saw you with those people and I died inside a bit. What do yellow skinned, bleary eyed, tattooed 50 year olds want with a beautiful, sad little girl?
They want to strip you of everything they lost years ago, they want your soul precious girl. They want you hooked so that you will have to do what they want to keep getting your fix, this happiness you tell me about.
THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.
They aren't my darlin' they are the devil in very poor disguise. I would sell my soul and give my heart to save you, to make you see that you are killing yourself.
By letting me 'find out' what you are doing so easily, I hope that means that you don't want to be doing this, that you want to stop, that maybe it is a sad attempt to find something missing. I am ignoring the voices that tell me I am clinging to feeble hopes.
I hope that one day you will be a mother that you will hold a child of your own in your arms and know, in an instant what it is to love. I will pray, every day of my life that you will never, ever have to stand back and watch that child destroy her/himself and be powerless to help.
I can't save you sweetheart, I can't stop you, I can't make any of this better. I have to wait until you want to change it, until you come to me and tell me that you want it to be different, I have to let you believe that you are on your own, feed you when you are hungry, tell you I love you and hope that one day you believe it.
This is not fun, I am not sitting here in this house happy that you aren't here bothering me anymore.
I am here praying that you won't die today.
I lie awake hoping that you are with safe people, that you ate today, that you are sleeping at Jordan's and that you will wake up soon and want things to change that you will use some ( or all ) of that bloody mindedness to fight these demons and realise that you are of such infinite worth that drugs and drink and men with yellow skin and hooded eyes are not what you need and definitely not what you want.
The whole world is at your feet my girl. You are able to be and do and have whatever your heart desires. Nobody can stop you doing the great things you dream of when you think no-one is looking. You can have it all.
IF YOU DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
There is love in buckets waiting for you, people holding their breath waiting for you to come and get it.
I wrote journals in the olden days, in the days before blogs. I wrote so many of them it was hard to carry them. Every time I wrote them I would imagine showing you, as you grew, that I felt what you feel, I thought that I could use them to show you that I was young once, I could prove that as you grew up I wrote how much I loved you, I wrote about all your exploits and the crazy stuff you got up to. You made me laugh and cry every day of your childhood. You were the most stunning baby, white blond hair, chunky thighs and a laugh that was irresistable. I could never go out without people stopping me to tell me how glorious you were.
Every one of those journals were lost. Every single one gone on the journey over to America. Every bit of written proof that you are my heart, that since the day I first saw you I was determined that you were going to know what greatness and joy were.
Every written memory to show that you ARE loved , that you have never been a reject or an after thought. I am so sad about because it was real and undeniable, you would never be able to yell at me that I have never loved you. All those books.
Every picture of that laughing little girl who captivated us all with her naughtiness and joy. Lost, memories of a happy girlie gone forever. No matter that I still have it all in my head and my heart, you don't believe anything I say anymore. I am so sad. I want to thrust them in your face and make you see that you are so WRONG, that you have always been loved and treasured and so valuable to me.
Show you how you laughed all day and how we took endless pictures of that chunky little white haired girl who hid kittens in her backpack and ran away with imaginary friends. That cheeky 3 year old who poured 40 bottles of shampoo and bubble bath, conditioner and toilet cleaner in the bath.
the little girl who would ask strangers to be her daddy and bury sleeping holiday makers in the sand. Sweet little girl who kept me on my toes from morning til night and then some.
I saw that you had found my blog. I hope you come back and find this. I hope even more that you believe it.
Every word is true. I promise you.
You are so glorious, my heart is breaking to see you looking this way, dull hair, grey skin, dull eyes. Don't do it Sophie.
Please hear me when I say that I love you but this is something that you have to do for yourself. If you don't learn to love yourself, the real Sophie Alex, if you can't see that you are worth fighting for, worth working for, well the battle is lost. This is up to you and all you have to do is call for me, tell me what you need, show me that you are ready and desperate to help yourself and I will be by your side so fast your head will spin. What I can't do is make it easy for you, the best things in life always come from hard work and are almost always the result of blood sweat and tears.
I think of how sheltered my life was, of how I reached 25 without ever having first hand experience of anything that I read about in the news, divorce, child abuse, drugs, homosexuality. None of it of any importance to me because it didn't affect me, not in my world.
Divorce...horrible but not the end of the world, we did it, got through it.
Child abuse....all done. finished, over and beaten. Talked about until I could puke and now the monster is dead.
Drugs...this one was the one that frightened me least, stupid people do drugs, no hopers, my kids aren't stupid and they know how much they are worth, they won't do drugs, not mine. NOT MINE!
Dear God, save my girl.
Please send someone or something to show her how precious she is, she won't listen to me, I can't make her see.
Please don't make me do this, don't make me watch this child kill herself or lose herself or ruin her life. Please. Oh Please.
I did all that other stuff, I did. I got my boys through the abduction and abuse. I learned that homosexuality isn't the end of my boy being my boy.
I see that a child with disabilities is a blessing and not a curse.
I understand that losing my dad isn't the end, that although I miss him I will see him again. I know that, I do.
I live with the memories and the hurt and the pain of all those things I have lived through and I even manage to see the good that has come through those trials, but this one, please don't make me watch this, because this girl is too precious and I am just not strong enough or clever enough to help her. She needs you to do it and I need you to do it. And I am begging you to take this one away.
I will live without the material fripperies that I think I long for, I will move house and clean other people's house, I will make do and mend, I will stick with my old car with it's back firing exhaust, I will let this beautiful house go and be grateful for that stinking one with the leaking ceilings but please don't let my girl do this to herself, send in the cavalry, the knight in shining armour, the miracle. For me and for her.
Please help my girl.
Oh my Sophie, you are worth the fight, you are worth the time and effort and energy, I will match everything you give to yourself, but you have to go first. This is your fight Sophie, get your gloves on and stand in your corner,I'll hold your towel and cheer the loudest. I love you. Always, I do. Honestly. Mum xxx
P.S. Message to scumbag people responsible for helping my daughter in anyway to harm herself.
She has a brother that is a police officer, a dad ( useless in many ways but handy in some)who is a prison officer, a brother who for some reason, although a gentle giant, has no worries at all about beating the living shit out of people he discovers have hurt his family and she has me. A mother who has vowed and is totally unafraid to kill with her bare hands, anyone who is ever again directly responsible for the abuse or long term suffering of one of her children. Idle threats? Don't try me. When my child is involved my my fears leave me, there will be no head bowing, no scuttling, no hiding and no timidity.
Watch and see.
Labels: praying, sadness and hope, sophie
posted by The other me | 9:44 pm
13 Comments:
crying and praying too.
Kim
Heart wrenching and painfully beautiful, Helen. You're in our prayers.
WOW!!!! I could tell that came from your very soul. Sophie, please do not destroy the beautiful person you are.....
Heartbreaking Helen.
Oh Sophie dear, your Mum loves you so much!
Oh Helen...
Know that your Sophie is in my prayers and that you are as well.
Sara (Maddie and Tyler too)
Helen, you and Sophie are in my prayers..be assured that God is watching and when the time is right(His time) He`ll put a plan in action. He has for me many times, but sometimes we have to be broken(as I was) to know that the only place we can get help is to look to Him.God Bless you both
Oh Helen I'm just in tears after reading this...you and your family will be in my prayers! Sophie drugs really are not the answer they won't ease the pain you feel...they just dull your senses. Seek counseling dear!
Oh Helen! I pray that when Sophie is a Mother, her worst nightmares don't come true. I pray that you find the strength to get through this. And I pray that Sophie is shown a different path in life.
My love and hugs to you. My heart is just broken!
~Lisa~
wow...what powerful words, thoughts and prayers for your daughter. I will also pray for her and for you.
Oy. Helen. You've touched a nerve, and I am suddenly 22 years old again and I remember what it was like....The shame. The guilt. The convincing yourself that THIS TIME it'll be different. You will stop using.
I am crying as I write this because, oh, how I wish someone had written that letter to me. To have had someone tell me that I was loved and safe and DID NOT NEED THIS. To be honest, Helen, it would have saved me so much heartache. So many wasted years. So much self-loathing. She cannot read that and not know how truly lovd she is. IMHO, that is what's missing form most users lives. A true, deep knowledge that you are accepted and loved. You gave that to Sophie today with your letter.
You are doing the right thing. She will come around as soon as she's ready.
You will help save her. I know this because you are her mother, and there is no other alternative. (And God help those who are leading her down the wrong path. A mother's vengeance is nothing to mess with).
Good luck and god bless to you both. You will be in my prayers.
I'm keeping you both in my heart ... I hope that Dan will be able to help her the way we ALL would like to come in and help her.
MUCH LOVE
Julie
Painfully beautiful and so heartfelt! You're right. You can't make her see because SHE has to see for herself. I pray she will take her blinders off soon and realize her worth. Realize that fear doesn't have to hold us back, that it can empower us if we choose.
I think she's screaming that she's unloved because she doesn't love herself. If you don't love yourself then you can't allow anyone to love you. My sister is like this and I pray that one day she too will realize her worth and how much she matters. She's got to love herself first though. She can't accept herself until she does.
I'm praying for you and Sophie.
Oh Helen! I sobbed through this entire post. I thought I was all caught up on your blog, until i realized i missed all of July! I feel so bad that I was away when this was posted. I could feel your pain through your words! Sophie, honey, if you do read this, please know that your mum loves you beyond belief. Also know that there are many people who care about you and want to see you happy and healthy. And Sophie, I've never met you, but I have heard so much about you and I have seen your pictures. You are a beautiful girl with so much to offer this world! Don't let anything stand in your way. Hold your head high and go on. Dream big, work hard and don't give up! Big hugs to you and to mum!
Helen, I love you and will keep you all in my prayers! I will be sending you an email soon! Hugs!
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