Utmost joy.

Sometimes, little things come along that give us immeasurable joy. When you are 4 and pink is what makes you happy, finding a PINK tie, a HOT pink tie even, that you are allowed to wear to church, well, that would make a boy stand proud and pose for a photograph in the most serious and upstanding way.



The fact that, on closer inspection, the said tie is a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL tie, well, joy just got doubled and we have to keep checking and then showing all and sundry that this is fact, no ordinary tie, pink or not. Undiluted joy, for £8. Marvellous.

The fact that this little boy, with his po face and his goofy teeth, his way of standing with his shoulders back and head high, looks more and more like his papa, who we miss so much it is a physical ache at times. That's when the joy becomes almost too much to grasp.

The squint of his eye and that look that seems to say they know a joke or two that they aren't willing to share yet, the way they can stare ahead and it is possible to read what is in their minds....

They were always the best of buddies,

I don't think my dad will ever be far away while we have this little man in our lives. Someone tapped me on the shoulder at church today and said " Is Elijah just a tanned version of your dad or what?" Yes he is, and that could never be a bad thing.

Self- aggrandizing at its best.

Sometimes, as a mother there is nothing to do but just say it as it is. I could dress it down and take a shot at acting like it's not a big deal but it is IS a big deal so I am going to just brag it.
Sophie, the girl child has now been off drugs of all kinds for just over a month. She has even stopped smoking and that is such a huge deal. I love that she tells me how different she feels and also, when I asked her if she thought that now she acknowledges this, will it be easier not to go back and start all over again, she said No. I like that. She says she feels good, she likes the way she looks now but she still craves it. To have given up cigarettes as well is what has made me feel so proud of her. She still wants drugs and drink, she thinks of it often, especially when stressed and angry.
This is so early on in a good time for Sophie and we have been in similar places before, the difference this time is that she has learned so much. She is still Sophie, still loud and over the top, she still manages to make me cringe when we are in public, because bless her enormous mouth, she turns head with that fog horn of a gob!
I know that we have a long way to go, I know that every choice belongs to Sophie, I will have to stay in the background and keep holding my breath, praying and crossing fingers. On friday she has her first appointment with mental health, I hope it is a good one, not one where she sits and says all the right things with that sweet smile and the slightly shy tilt of the head.
I am excited to look at the future and imagine her being happy in it.
I can see ( if I let myself) that she will have a life with responsibilities and be able to get through it, that she can learn and deal. That's all I ask of her.
She is listening to what others have to say and although she doesn't like many of the things she has to do, she is doing them. Big steps.
Then we have that littlest one.
I maybe don't give him the kudos the others get, they are just mini Hs with their photographic memories and then my littlest one, he is just gloriously regular, he is 4, he does 4 year old things. He painted the bathroom with my make up yesterday, he does naughty stuff.
Then, today I found him with my laptop open, so sad because " It won't work and I tarnt find it and no-body won't help me and I duss tarnt do it!"
When I looked at what he was doing, he had typed 'highsolmymosicolgems' in the search engine, he is 4...high school musical games! Then I found a picture of a stick with a fat head and underneath was written BASITBOL ( basketball) He's not a dipstick, I do believe he got some of those smart genes after all, as well as a big old pile of bloody scrumptiousness.
Yeah, it's my family and I'll brag if I want to.

I had this great idea for a post.

But I forgot it, naturally.I think it had something to do with what makes me happy and bizarre things I like, but I really have forgotten the rest.
The house is beginning to look better, my goodness how long is this taking? Usually I am like a ..what? What am I like? I am like a thing possessed, never still until house looks just right, perfect, all tidy and everything in it's rightful place.
This time, not so. It has taken me all this time ( 15 days) to really get into a swing.
Today, H put some rails in my uutility room, I say 'my' utility room because it is MINE. I love laundry, I love doing it, it makes me happy, but only when I have it just right.
It was all very right in the Barn, a whole 2 rooms with washer and drier, ironing board, hanging rails, wardrobes, baskets, I loved being out there and putting it all where it belonged.
The last house was laundry hell for me, stupid washing machine in the middle of the kitchen, no electrical outlet near, so a long lead to a plug and that was the other end of the kitchen. We melted 2 extension leads in that house. Yikes!
Baskets and baskets of laundry, dirty stuff, clean stuff, stuff that needed ironing, I was a grumpy soul, I hated having such laundry chaos.
Here I am almost as happy as at the barn, in fact I might BE as happy. Not as much room but so organised and tidy and easy, wash, dry, hang. Everything in one place. Happy me.



See? Actually you may not be able to see because it's not a great picture. I keep walking out there to see all my unironed clothes hanging ready to be ironed ( and then I will hang them right back in there, forget having different closets all over the place, H does have his own closet but I like my clothes right there, choose something every day and be done with it.
I am writing about LAUNDRY...look several paragraphs and it makes me happy, does this tell a tale? Who cares, I love it, the smell and that lovely feeling as I look at lines of clean clothes.

The sun has been shining for 2 days, beautiful clean air and sunshine, what could be better for the soul than that? I walked into town and without a coat, coming home I got almost too hot as we live on a doozy of a hill, I marched up that hill with a song in my heart ( though not on mylips because they were busy puffing and trying to gasp in some air)

I saw Seth and Elijahs' teachers today for a parent teacher consult. Such a treat for me, after the years of Dan, Jordan and Sophie's teacher consults ( "Lovely boy, one day he may even do some work, do you think that might happen ? Do you?" "yes, Mrs H, Jordan is a good boy, never still though, we sit him in the middle of the classroom and away from everything because he can't sit still and it would seem it is impossible for him to not touch, he spends a lot of his day upside down under tables and doing headstands but we can't catch him out, when I lose my patience with him and ask JORDAN H...WHAT DID I JUST SAY? He can always tell me, amazing and also... annoying"
"Ahhhh Mrs H, Sophie, yes, hmmmmmm, er......well, she did write something last week, would you like to see? How is her medication? Oh I see, well, friends...er well not really, she's a little full on for the other children and a bit rough"
That kind of thing. Not fun but mildly amusing to my warped sense of humour.
So Seth's teacher today. The upshot is, at 7, he is reading at the level expected of an 11 year old and his spelling is at the level of a 10.4 year old ( how precise!)
He is consistantly improving and is equally great at Maths. He writes great stories which amazes me as he has never shown an imagination really, such a lover of facts, stories seem a bit of nonsense to him. His teacher says he definitely shows autistic tendancies but doesn't think they interfere with his schooling apart from making him a bit smarter than most. He did say that he is incredibly literal and has trouble differentiating between fact and fiction.
Elijah, sweet Eli, he is doing great, plays with boys and girls but is particularly close to Hannah as they are so similar. When he came out of school today he was crying big fat tears, heartbroken tears because "well betozz Hannah isn't even my best friend anymore, I don't have a best friend anymore, she looked at me wiv a very cross face."
Isaac's consult is tomorrow, I wonder what we will hear. He is being a rotter still. I think I may have made my point this evening, after another stream of NO's I did it right back.
HE wanted to finish some painting and needed a paintbrush, every time he asked I just quietly said "no, I don't want to"
He was gobsmacked and kept asking and every time I just said "no, sorry I don't want to, just as you didn't want to get dressed this morning, or walk to school, or ask nicely for the brush I don't want to help you, so no"
He went and found his own brush and then I heard him say " Daddy, please could I have a glass of water to do my painting?"
We'll see what happens in the morning because I am more than weary of this continual fighting.
So, pretty good week so far, we like that.

Tomorrow....

The uniforms are set out ( all 3) the lunches are ready, the shoes are waiting, P.E kits all washed and packed ready for school tomorrow. All 3. I still can't quite believe that this is it. The boy is starting school, for real, for the next 11 years at least he will be on the schedule.
I have mixed emotions, excitement because he is so ready to learn, he loves to read and wants to be like his brothers, he is so sociable and enjoys being amongst people so much, I'm not sure whether he likes people his own age really. So used, is he to older people, big siblings, being the littlest.
A little part of me feels sad. No more babies, no more full time company from a little person and really , I LIKE little people, they are funny and amazing and life can never be dull when you are around them. I know that my 'young mum' time is pretty much over. I have never faced this before, when Dan and Jordan and then Sophie started school, I knew there would be more, no idea how I knew it , but I knew it wasn't over. Now I know.
New things now, Nana things. Not less exciting or happy but just not the same.
I have enormous excitement about what could be possible now, with all the time there will be available to do things, really get on with things and have time to do them well. No more half way through the day having to stop and pick up from playschool, nursery etc.
I have plans, right now that's all they are, but that's a great way to start isn't it?
When this last move ( such positivity) is over, I will be able to begin bringing my plans to fruition.
I really enjoyed church today, H and I teach the 10 -11 year old kids at church, he the boys, me the girls, this year the classes were small and so we put them together and he teaches one week, I do the next, that means we get every other week off to go to grown up classes and today was my turn. I loved it. It is a rare treat when my brain gets the chance to soak up some grown up learnings. Ahhhhhhh. It encouraged me to read more ( not just the heavenly drivel novels that help me fall asleep every night) to study and stretch my mind, this year is a good year for doing that. Writing more too. So much in my head that should be allowed to come out. Where to start though? That's a tough one, my head is a big old spaghetti muddle of thoughts, it will take enormous discipline ( you have NO idea how long it took me to think of that word! Hmmm, what is that word? You know, the Army has it, you need it to get your kids in line....grrrrrrrr what IS that word? Aha DISCIPLINE! That's it.) to get it all straightened out in my mind and begin to write it out.
I love that at last, the choices are there for me. I can feel myself unwinding, feel the bliss of having a chance to choose, to think, to decide, to ponder.
8 years of being pushed along with the tide, making and giving birth to babies, moving countries, moving home, more babies, dealing with teenagers and illness, worrying and more illness.
I am on the brink of ending the dispute with the benefits agency, when they told me I was NOT ill, that I have been somehow making all this up, I was enraged. Who, in heavens name would make any of this up? When they said that my benefits would end, it was scary but as it happens, because we have Isaac and H is unable to work the benefits continue as I am the carer but still I felt obliged to clear my name and show that everything that is going on with me is REAL, and miserable. As much as the idea of a full time job is appealing ( and it really is) when I actually try and plan how I would do it...it all falls apart.
What kind of job could I do with this skin? I am horribly embarrassed even shopping, holding my hands out for change when the skin on my hands is hanging off. Trying to talk to people with half my face or my neck covered in wheels and welts.
What kind of work could I do when I have had 3 hours sleep and knowing that when I finished an 8 hour shift somewhere there would be all the 'stuff' left at home to deal with. I don't mean the housework because H is incredible ( digression coming on) I read on a website yesterday a woman who wrote " My husband is awesome, today he put the baby in her highchair without being asked and FED HER DINNER, he didn't even need showing what to do I am so lucky, how did I get such a great man?"
WHAT??? If she is lucky then I am some kind of husband lottery winner! DO women really think they got a prize when the man they are married does something so simple as feed their own child? Blimey!
Anyway H could do a great job here if I was at work, I'm not sure how he would do if he had to do both the house AND the kids. The emotional stuff is down to me.
So, this week I actually spoke to someone who ( at last, after 5 months) said that if I get a letter from my Dr saying that I tested positive for Lupus that will do it, stop this whole nonsense in it's tracks. She also said that she was going to write to my Dr for a full health report. After 5 months. Why wouldn't that be the FIRST thing they do? Maybe I should get a job overseeing these numpties and show them what would be absolutely sensible. Hmmmm sick person claiming sickness benefits, what to do? what to do??? Yes, we'll make a stupid quiz paper and then get sick person to travel and see a strange doctor who doesn't actually treat sick people anymore, one that just asks stupid questions of strangers and then let HIM decide if this person is really swinging the lead and making it all up. OR. We could write to the sick persons doctor and find out if they are really sick, like do they have to go to the Dr every 2 weeks and show another welt, rash, blister, do they have to get medicines for migraines and insomnia, do they have anti anxiety meds because they really ARE anxious all day, every day? I wonder.....would that be a good idea? DUH!
So here's hoping that this is all settled soon and I can let go of that feeling that I am making all this up and sponging off the system when I could so easily be out there performing brain surgery, or running a school or something ( or working at Macdonalds with people recoiling at at the thought of my rotting hands touching their food!) Ha, probably the relief will make me feel so much better my skin will clear up and I will be able to work!
Well, past midnight, we are all still having the most awful time waking up ( if I could choose a problem, that'd be the one!) this house was a house filled with mumbling zombies this morning when we had to wake up at 8.30 for church, tomorrow we need to be up at 7.30 to be ready for school. Isaac had terrible trouble getting to sleep, he is so worried about school tomorrow, after 5 weeks off. It was 10 before he went to sleep, he will be a bear tomorrow.
I hope I can overcome embarrassment enough to take pictures of the boy in his classroom tomorrow, it's such a life changing deal for me, I hate to miss the opportunity.
Tomorrow, how'd this come by so quickly?

Show and tell.

So....she is bright eyed and sweet, happy and calm. Sophie...calm.
I can't quite think what to say about the day, part of me just wants to leave it at this, because I am so overwhelmed by the feelings I have I am befuddled. The other part ( that will win I suspect) wants to write every detail, from the inevitable getting lost ( and HOW well I did it today) and the emotions that invokes. I cannot find the getting lost thing funny. It is by far the most terrifying thing for me, that feeling of knowing that somehow you are close to where you need to be but having NO idea how to get there, of being so hopelessly out of depth that every nerve screams. I left Sophie at 4pm, at 5.30 I was still about a mile away from her, having driven an embarrassing amount of miles (and in my defense, this city is the devils own for getting in and out of, every bloody road is one way, add to that some horrific diversions and I was well and truly stuffed. ) I looked over at Eli, who had crashed and slept withing minutes of us leaving the car park and I lost it.
Seeing my girl look so clean and bright, hearing her tell me about her new life and new people, seeing her revoltingly perfect room , watching her unpack all her earthly goods and seeing real joy on her face, taking her shopping and for lunch and hearing her say "thankyou for this mum", having her hug me so tight and kiss me..then seeing this little boy who has absolute faith and trust in ME, well, it was all too much to take in.
I can't even get out of a city center but these people believe I know it all and trust that whatever happens I will make it all OK. I am so winging it, stumbling along and somehow getting it right sometimes.
Elijah sang, all the way there and all the way home, 243 miles of singing and at his request I sang to. "thing nat thong bout a lady eating a fly"
so I did, then " there was an old lady who swallowed a spider, who wiggling and wriggled and TICKLED inside her"
" Did she find nat thpider in a darden?"
How do these little minds work? I was singing and naturally assumed that he knows its a song and just is as it is...... yet quite obviously, to him, it is a tale.....imagine a woman eating a fly ( I don't know why! Perhaps she'll DIE!)
and then a spider, hmmm wonder if she found that in the garden?? I breathed this boy in today.
He still has his obsession for shoes and necklaces and all things girlie. Today we found, not only a necklace acceptable ( sort of) for a boy but if it wasn't a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL ONE! 2 actually, in a set.


They so ARE boys necklaces!!

These though, are definitely NOT boys flip flops.....



and yes, he IS wearing them out in the street because his need is strong, I am trying to let him get it out of his system, a small part of me worries that I am feeding it, not that it matters because even if I were to say no more, wherever we go people are providing him with clip clop shoes and spangly necklaces, it is a hopeless cause, he is hooked. I just hope, that when he is 25 and a drag queen, he is a rich and successful one and remembers from whence he came.

I think maybe, I have managed to hit a mid way mark. Too tired to share the whole gammut of my emotions, too big a show off to just shut up .... I am relieved to have made it home. More than happy to have seen my girl child and enjoyed spending time with her.
Another day, we did it.

So, how does YOUR darden drow?

Just asking.
Has this boy got teeth or what? Sucking of the thumb is so cute but ouch, those teeth are going to need some bracing later on aren't they??