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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Sunday, January 06, 2008


The uniforms are set out ( all 3) the lunches are ready, the shoes are waiting, P.E kits all washed and packed ready for school tomorrow. All 3. I still can't quite believe that this is it. The boy is starting school, for real, for the next 11 years at least he will be on the schedule.
I have mixed emotions, excitement because he is so ready to learn, he loves to read and wants to be like his brothers, he is so sociable and enjoys being amongst people so much, I'm not sure whether he likes people his own age really. So used, is he to older people, big siblings, being the littlest.
A little part of me feels sad. No more babies, no more full time company from a little person and really , I LIKE little people, they are funny and amazing and life can never be dull when you are around them. I know that my 'young mum' time is pretty much over. I have never faced this before, when Dan and Jordan and then Sophie started school, I knew there would be more, no idea how I knew it , but I knew it wasn't over. Now I know.
New things now, Nana things. Not less exciting or happy but just not the same.
I have enormous excitement about what could be possible now, with all the time there will be available to do things, really get on with things and have time to do them well. No more half way through the day having to stop and pick up from playschool, nursery etc.
I have plans, right now that's all they are, but that's a great way to start isn't it?
When this last move ( such positivity) is over, I will be able to begin bringing my plans to fruition.
I really enjoyed church today, H and I teach the 10 -11 year old kids at church, he the boys, me the girls, this year the classes were small and so we put them together and he teaches one week, I do the next, that means we get every other week off to go to grown up classes and today was my turn. I loved it. It is a rare treat when my brain gets the chance to soak up some grown up learnings. Ahhhhhhh. It encouraged me to read more ( not just the heavenly drivel novels that help me fall asleep every night) to study and stretch my mind, this year is a good year for doing that. Writing more too. So much in my head that should be allowed to come out. Where to start though? That's a tough one, my head is a big old spaghetti muddle of thoughts, it will take enormous discipline ( you have NO idea how long it took me to think of that word! Hmmm, what is that word? You know, the Army has it, you need it to get your kids in line....grrrrrrrr what IS that word? Aha DISCIPLINE! That's it.) to get it all straightened out in my mind and begin to write it out.
I love that at last, the choices are there for me. I can feel myself unwinding, feel the bliss of having a chance to choose, to think, to decide, to ponder.
8 years of being pushed along with the tide, making and giving birth to babies, moving countries, moving home, more babies, dealing with teenagers and illness, worrying and more illness.
I am on the brink of ending the dispute with the benefits agency, when they told me I was NOT ill, that I have been somehow making all this up, I was enraged. Who, in heavens name would make any of this up? When they said that my benefits would end, it was scary but as it happens, because we have Isaac and H is unable to work the benefits continue as I am the carer but still I felt obliged to clear my name and show that everything that is going on with me is REAL, and miserable. As much as the idea of a full time job is appealing ( and it really is) when I actually try and plan how I would do all falls apart.
What kind of job could I do with this skin? I am horribly embarrassed even shopping, holding my hands out for change when the skin on my hands is hanging off. Trying to talk to people with half my face or my neck covered in wheels and welts.
What kind of work could I do when I have had 3 hours sleep and knowing that when I finished an 8 hour shift somewhere there would be all the 'stuff' left at home to deal with. I don't mean the housework because H is incredible ( digression coming on) I read on a website yesterday a woman who wrote " My husband is awesome, today he put the baby in her highchair without being asked and FED HER DINNER, he didn't even need showing what to do I am so lucky, how did I get such a great man?"
WHAT??? If she is lucky then I am some kind of husband lottery winner! DO women really think they got a prize when the man they are married does something so simple as feed their own child? Blimey!
Anyway H could do a great job here if I was at work, I'm not sure how he would do if he had to do both the house AND the kids. The emotional stuff is down to me.
So, this week I actually spoke to someone who ( at last, after 5 months) said that if I get a letter from my Dr saying that I tested positive for Lupus that will do it, stop this whole nonsense in it's tracks. She also said that she was going to write to my Dr for a full health report. After 5 months. Why wouldn't that be the FIRST thing they do? Maybe I should get a job overseeing these numpties and show them what would be absolutely sensible. Hmmmm sick person claiming sickness benefits, what to do? what to do??? Yes, we'll make a stupid quiz paper and then get sick person to travel and see a strange doctor who doesn't actually treat sick people anymore, one that just asks stupid questions of strangers and then let HIM decide if this person is really swinging the lead and making it all up. OR. We could write to the sick persons doctor and find out if they are really sick, like do they have to go to the Dr every 2 weeks and show another welt, rash, blister, do they have to get medicines for migraines and insomnia, do they have anti anxiety meds because they really ARE anxious all day, every day? I wonder.....would that be a good idea? DUH!
So here's hoping that this is all settled soon and I can let go of that feeling that I am making all this up and sponging off the system when I could so easily be out there performing brain surgery, or running a school or something ( or working at Macdonalds with people recoiling at at the thought of my rotting hands touching their food!) Ha, probably the relief will make me feel so much better my skin will clear up and I will be able to work!
Well, past midnight, we are all still having the most awful time waking up ( if I could choose a problem, that'd be the one!) this house was a house filled with mumbling zombies this morning when we had to wake up at 8.30 for church, tomorrow we need to be up at 7.30 to be ready for school. Isaac had terrible trouble getting to sleep, he is so worried about school tomorrow, after 5 weeks off. It was 10 before he went to sleep, he will be a bear tomorrow.
I hope I can overcome embarrassment enough to take pictures of the boy in his classroom tomorrow, it's such a life changing deal for me, I hate to miss the opportunity.
Tomorrow, how'd this come by so quickly?

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Blogger LosingSanity said...

What a big day! Hope everything works out with the benefits. It sure would make more sense to get a report from your doctor as a first step...not a last one. I hope that whatever you do to fill your time, it is rewarding and satisfying! You certainly have worked hard to get to this point!

2:39 am  
Blogger Julie Q said...

It always sneaks up on us doesn't it? I hope all the boys have a great day today. :)

6:56 pm  
Anonymous julie bo said...

Hope his day went well :)

9:44 pm  

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