Whoops, we did it again!

Slept until NOON! It would be heaven if we woke up all refreshed and ready to go, not so. Slug like and grumpy ( the adults that is, the kids are LOUD and MESSY and LOUD!) We missed church, which for Seth, was an added benefit. By 5pm I was hardly able to keep my eyes open again. I can't quite remember the jet lag being this bad before..unless I REALLY think about it, then I recall being 5 months pregnant and having 2 little boys under 3 years old and thinking, quite possibly that I would die. Slowly and painfully from no sleep, I absolutely know no-one slept until noon, ever. Not even once.
I am almost heart stoppingly sad about one thing.
Lellow Ba. Yellow blanket, is still in L.A. *GASP* and
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Isaac DOESN'T CARE!
WHAT? Lellow Ba??? Not here? The beloved raggy old blanket that protected him from all harm, and strangers and even family that you know, wanted to LOOK at him. Just forgotten and discarded in grandpa's dining room.
I noticed that while we were away, as well as being Mr in your face, he didn't use Lellow Ba, didn't look for it at all..the first night I found it and gave it to him and he sort of tutted and put it on his pillow but after that, it was definitely ME that looked after blanket. HE didn't use it at all at grandpa's and so I wshed it and when we were ready to leave, I tucked it in the handle of his back pack, sure that he would love to have it on the plane. At the airport I noticed he didn't have it...he took it out and just left it on the table.
I feel pretty distraught at the passing of Lellow Ba. I have asked grandpa to hold onto it, mail it to me because I need it, I want to keep that blanket for ever. It has been such an enormous part of our lives. This is a huge step forward for Isaac and I am ashamed to say it leaves me sad. Seth threw out his nunnies ( raggy old cotton things) about a year or so ago, that was bad enough but this one, well big boys and big teeth......more and more independant.
When Eli looks with disgust at his animal blanket and stops sucking his thumb....you may see real tears.
Life is too fast, things are flying by and I can't keep up.
I got my new camera, a Nikon D50. Posh, frighteningly posh and complicated. It took me a while to touch it, so grand is it ( to me) and it sat until H picked it up, I saw that 'look' that 'oooooh, gadget......me want' look that men get and he began to use it. He doesn't take pictures ( although he used to, copius amounts of pictures, he was renowned for taking pictures. My new camera made him drool and I knew that if I didn't grab it and claim it as mine, it would become his. Really quickly.
Oh no....not this baby. So I claimed it and it is most certainly mine now.
I just have to read the instruction book, properly. I also need to learn about exposure and lighting and not just make it all up as I go along.
I might even see if I can't take a class or something at the local college. I get so befuddled by all the terms and the numbers. I just hate to waste the possibilities of such a great camera though.



Ha...see what I mean?



You can see it would take great pictures, if I knew what I was doing!

I feel a huge excitement at the moment. I think, usually I feel a bit ' blah' this time of year, thinking that this time next year, what will have changed? This year I KNOW things are going to change. Nana, that'll be me. All my children will be at school, my last baby will be learning to read and becoming a member of society, there will be time and a chance to breathe, to decide what to do and where to go. To work at things that have been placed on a back burner for so many years.
I want to regain my confidence and feelings of self worth. I don't want to feel anymore fear or loss of control. I am sick of feeling that my life is in other peoples' hands. That should never be a part of anybody's life.
I do know that I am still unwell. My skin is showing me that something is very amiss. My joints tell me that I am under par. I intend to find out how much of this is under my control and how much is not.
Tomorrow I am going to make an appointment and ask for many tests. I want to take control of this and see just how well I can be.
I absolutely know that I have a huge ability to control much of my health, I have seen how well I can make myself and have learned how much control I have over my own well being. Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring. I gave up, I let it all go and I didn't give a hoot!
Now, I am beginning to feel an excitement again, a need to take charge and step out. I wish I knew where this feeling comes from..I'd sell it and be so rich I would never have to think about money again!
It's 11.30 and Seth and Isaac are still awake. The downside to jet lag....as long as they sleep in tomorrow. Seth is a starving sparrow, he is on an eating everything in sight jag. How is he so titchy when he eats like this ( could be that he spends hours a day jumping and shooting hoops, I should watch him and copy, maybe that's the way to lose some weight and get some fit back!)
I am watching Dr 90210 as I write. My goodness, if that isn't the opposite end of the tale! Such incredible narcissism, what do these people do apart from think about how they look and worry about ARGH! that bit of loose skin! Oh NO! that wrinkle..... how terrible to look 40 when you are 56, how can they step out of the door when they have that extra millimeter of fat right there by their belly button? GET RID OF IT!
The doctors who hug them and feed that vanity....if a doctor ever went to hug me I would freak! My doctor strokes my arm in a compassionate way, that's reassuring, hugging is patronising because, really......do they care? Honestly? If these patients came to them with a real disfigurement but no money and begged to be made whole...what then? Bet you then there wouldn't be much of a hug or reassurance. Phoney baloney.
I admire people who look after themselves, who exercise and watch what they eat, I have a hard time with people who do nothing BUT worry about their looks, who weep because they don't look 25 when they are 50, who want to be rid of every scrap of evidence of having lived, how sad. I look at my enormous belly and of course I wish it was smaller, I know that when it IS smaller it gets saggier. Baggy old stretched out belly- but the idea of having a tummy tuck that removes ALL signs of it having housed 6 babies and 2 other babies for a little while, that breaks my heart! I love knowing what a great job this old body has done making my beautiful children.
Ugh.....just past midnight and all THREE gitlets are up, I better go and settle them down. I hope this means we'll avoid the 2am party we've had the past 3 nights. That gets dull the first time!! So til tomorrow ( or today, whenever) Nearly next year. Exciting.