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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, December 17, 2007

And so it continues ( both day and night)

Here we are at grandpa's house, so many memories and yet everything so new. Kara has worked so hard here and decorated, made it beautiful and welcoming. the dreaded blow up bed is actually rather grand, covered in glorious new bedding in rich reds and cream, it looks inviting and is incredibly comfortable. The boys have new backpacks with sleeping bags and a flashlight and are as cosy as bugs in a rug.
Everyone is asleep, expect me, I felt sleepy and as soon as I snuggled down on the farty sounding bed ( comfy, yes....quiet, no) I began to cough, and try not to cough and yet still cough. I have been ill since we got here, my throat has been raw and horribly sore, my bones ache, my head hurts.....ugh. I feel sort of better now as the cold is coming out ( in sores all over my face YEAH pretty me for Christmas!!) and I can swallow now but the cough.....dear me, I am driving myself nearly mad, don't you hate it when the one you love has a cough? You so WANT to be sympathetic, you need to understand- but at night, when all you want is to sleep and that damn hack hack hawking is going on, the bed shakes and the noise makes you jump every time you think you may actually be able to sleep? I have the hardest time not yelling " FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SHUT THE HELL UP WILL YOU?" So I lay there and tried not to cough, making girlie sort of ahem, ahem noises which do absolutely nothing to clear that demonic scratching, that feeling that the devil's discarded toenail clippings are sticking to your windpipe.
I had to get up and so here I am, thanking H for bringing his laptop, without it I would be watching something on TV that was not to my liking, I can't work out grandpa's TV at all, we watched too many episodes of " Little people, Big world" which is great, I like that show but it was one of those marathon deals, we did a loop and I realised we were back to square one and had no idea how to change channels to something other than football, or baseball, so we watched the Rolloff family go to the Bahamas a second time ( bloody show offs)
I am so touched that Seth seems to have taken up where he left off. When he was the tiniest boy he had a relationship with grandpa that made others envious, he would wait at the door for grandpa and then sit on the front step while grandpa took off his boots, they would sit in grandpa's room and watch The Three Stooges. That tiny boy laughed in all the right places and he adored his grandpa.
This evening he did exactly the same thing, only it was sport he was watching, popping out briefly for a drink and to say Hello but then right back in with grandpa, who needs anything more?
Now we are here I want nothing more than to just visit, we have done the shopping, we've been and we've bought, we seen and we've done. Now I just want to be with grandpa, do family things, eat dinner at the table, get ready for Christmas.
I can't tell what H is feeling, he cooked dinner, just like he used to, he is very quiet but says he doesn't feel any emotions ( which is probably true but annoying nevertheless) I haven't particularly liked him while we have been here and on one occasion I was reminded very harshly of why I had to leave here and get back to England. He is different here and not in a nicer way.
I think when he lived here a lot of his life was lived by shutting down, by NOT thinking, by putting his head down and just getting through it. He seems so shut off from everything here and I hate it. Maybe ( and he says this is the case) I am reading more into it and making my own assumptions but what I see, is what I see, and I really don't want any of that back, that's for sure.
Isaac is in his element, he is truly happy, he is funny and talkative, he enjoys the company and says he wants to live in America, that he was born here and doesn't want to be back in England at all, He says he isn't going to tell anyone about his holiday when he gets back.....I bet he won't either!
Elijah is having as much fun as he can but he is quiet and clingy, he needs his blanket and wants to be cuddled a lot, he ( and I ) will be happy to be home and amongst all we hold dear.
I see how much I have changed since I lived here, I grew harder I think and lived day to day. I was so afraid the whole time I lived here and I see now just how far I have come.
I think about going home, about Eli starting school and about all the opportunities there are for us in the future. I want to be sure to grab them and make them work for me. For us.

I see that I have lost the need to talk all the time, to fill empty spaces with chatter and to be busy busy......I am quite happy to sit and watch, to enjoy and listen. I am irritated by mindless noise and chit chat. I am an old and grumpy lady. I hear my mind talking and am so grateful that my thoughts stay in my head because I might be in a whole heap of trouble if it were otherwise.
All day today my head has been saying " Oh shut up..... " "are they EVER going to leave?" " Dear Lord does she ever stop talking?" " I don't CARE! Please stop telling me!" my mouth has been saying " really? Uh huh. hmmmmm, I know, yes...maybe not, I don't think so, uh huh, hmmmmmm"

This could be a very very long stay if we have company every single day, all day. I am becoming H, I need quiet, I need to do what I want to do and just enjoy doing it. To have to talk about every darn detail, plan it, unplan, it discuss it, make calls about it, recheck it all, discuss it some more, hear every detail of what when how and why......oh my aching eardrums make it stop.
We discuss what we would like to do and then we hear how THIS would be better, lets go HERE, eat THERE, do THIS, when? WHY?? Now?? Hurry UP! I end up switching off and saying I don't want to go anywhere thankyou, here is lovely, I am fine here, leave me here.....
Today we were happy here, the boys were happy, H was cooking dinner and it was like some kind of terrible atrocity would befall us if we didn't go OUT and dinner was going to HOURS what shall we do for HOURS where shall we GO? BOYS! where do you want to GO? Eventually, ground down by the need to be OUT and having FUN..we went out. Redondo beach, lovely,we like the beach, Seth LOVES the beach...except it was the amusement arcade at Redondo beach because we had to have FUN!!!
Oh my dear life, look, I know how to have fun but I found my poor head was giving me the hardest time " what the hell??? Why don't we just find a storm drain and just roll that money down it...... I'm not kidding you, those places to me are like purgatory, what fun is that? Endless shoving of coins into stupid machines and WHOOHOO we get a strip of tokens, at the end of the visit ( hoorah, there WAS an end!) we take out tokens and count then and what do you know, we can choose some piece of crap that we wouldn't think was worth the price at a dollar store. Yet we must have that plastic animal!! Let me have it! Oh sorry, you need $398 worth of tokens for that 50c animal, but LOOK you have enough for this 3 inch pot stand. Please.
So, it was time to leave and Seth was excited because we were going to the beach, right? Redondo beach? Try explaining to a 7 year old that this IS Redondo beach and we didn't go near the sandy bit because we were having FUN! YEAY! Fun!
Tears all the way home, and promises that we will come back, in the day, when we can play in the sand and not rush away. Promises like that don't mean too much when you're 7 and 'another day' seems way too long away.

Tomorrow I have to get to the post office, at this rate we'll be home before the postcards! Where we were was a tourist area, not a post office in sight, so I have been carrying around postcards and a parcel that should have been mailed a week ago, Eli needs to see Santa too because he may not know we are in America, what if he takes presents to England when we are HERE? Can't risk that happening, gotta go and see Santa tomorrow, times running out here.

I haven't coughed ONCE since I sat down here....Kara came home from a party and we have chatted ( I like to chat with her, she's cool, no inside head talking at all with that one!) I've written and read emails, and not a cough, not even a girlie throat clearing episode, what do you think the chances are of it staying away if I try and go to bed?

I do feel gloriously relaxed, i hope that my new found ability to sleep stays with me when we get home, I am bored with being awake at 5am every day I kind of like getting 9 hours sleep at night. I might have to force myself to just go to bed and not stay downstairs on my own.
So, I am off to snuggle down on the blow up bed that is comfy but makes farting noises, handy should you have flatulence and can let rip whilst blaming the bed, there are also 3 dogs here, the blaming possibilities are endless.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Lacey said...

I very much enjoy your writing. You should have your own column.

10:50 am  
Blogger LosingSanity said...

I hope you were able to get some sleep without all the coughing. I get in those coughing fits sometimes too, at night. I have to get up. The coughing seems to stop when i get up. Hmmmm.

I understand the feelings about arcades. such a waste of money, it seems. But the kids seem to like them. They don't care that they only get those cheap little toys.

3:34 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

I hope you were able to get some sleep Helen!

Arcades seem to be a thing of the past here. I am so glad! I totally agree with the wasting money thing.

11:39 pm  

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