People say the bestest things!

Eleanor Roosevelt:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Marilyn Ferguson:
Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.

Swedish proverb:
Worry gives a small thing a big shadow

Sarah Orne Jewett:
Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of.

Marcel Proust:
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

George Santayana:
The loneliest woman in the world is a woman without a close woman friend.


Ecclesiasticus 6:14:
A faithful friend is a strong defense: and he that hath found such an one hath found a treasure.


Anaïs Nin:
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Katharine Butler Hathaway:
A person needs at intervals to separate from family and companions and go to new places. One must go without familiars in order to be open to influences, to change


Steven Foster:
You may wonder, 'How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.

There, I read those and felt better about flying ( which scares the bejeebers out of me in a ridiculous way)
Know that I have the best friends in the whole world and appreciate that not only am I blessed to be able to do what I am about to do but that I will be a better person for doing it.
Also, I took one of the double dose diazepan the Dr gave me, last time she gave me a low dose and I was afraid to take them in case it made me incapable, so I waited til I was on the plane and it didn't work....this time I thought if I take one on the day when I have nothing else to do or nowhere I need to go, I can see how it affects me and then know when I am safe to take it on Friday.
Oh my goodness, I took it nearly an hour ago and I am so spaced out! It works, am all woozy yet capable of getting from A to B with bags....a little wobbly maybe but I do believe that I can get on that plane and have a lovely time in Boston.
I hate that I get so afraid of these things but am happy that I decided not to allow my fears to dictate what I will or will not do anymore.
Boston..are you ready for me?

think I feel a bit sick......edited to whine some more!

The good news is, we won't have to show anyone else around, we can live like pigs and boil fish and throw chip wrappers on the floor.
I am probably a bit annoyed that no-one tells us anything, I took Eli to nursery and came back to see the sign. I say probably because to be annoyed would take energy that I don't have, I use all my energy scratching my arms and dry heaving.
We are naught but a detail that pays rent while being tossed aside. Oh well, now we HAVE to get a council house, right?
I never ever want to feel this helpless again ( but somehow I feel it isn't over yet)
I see, as time goes by that this thing has been planned meticulously by our landwoman( not feeling like she a lady much at all right now) right down to when she would get our last rent cheque. She won't go without a blasted penny while we scrabble around trying to get what we need to move to wherever we get put. She's perhaps not as stupid as her letters make her appear, maybe she just can't transfer that sneaky onto paper.
I have been a scrubbing demon this morning....my home smells divine, I was about to have a lovely nap to make up for not sleeping last night, now I am all stomach knotted and fretful......bugger.
I think, in a minute I will convince myself that this is a good thing, all the wondering taken away, and no more strangers parading through the house etc. just looks kind of scary to see SOLD outside the window and still not have any idea where we are going.
I don't like this ride. there isn't even a sturdy railing to hang onto while we are being catapulted towards uncertainty, pity there's no stop button, we on it til it flings us off.

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this really is horrible, I called the council to make sure they had the papers I took in yesterday, yes, they do. Then we begin the chicken game again.....
** just slotting in here with a word, if any comments or emails tell me to get a job, send H to get a job so we can buy a house, I will track you down and punch you. I am aware that if we worked it would be easier to rent or buy but we can't work, we are decrepit and sick and at the very bottom of the usefully employable pile. Sucks but there we are.**
So he said " so you should use your time wisely " ( oh, you mean scrubbing and packing and scratching and explaining to children who ask over and over where they are going to live that we don't know but it will be OK) he also said " just because they sold doesn't mean you have to move out.....get them to pay your deposit for a new rental, find a new rental, stay where you are and make them take you to court ( oh right...court costs and lawyers and eviction orders and bailiffs, yeay just what we need, shut up and get me a damn house!!)
then I got the talk about how few houses there are and how he will be working on our case tomorrow but he can't speed anything up because it can't BE speeded up and maybe I should use my time wisely and find myself a house.
CHICKEN! You'll break before me....betcha can't hang about and wait, betcha you go out and find a rental before I get off my arse and find you a council house and even if I had one here right now I wouldn't tell you because we want you to find one for yourself and not make us sweat and move and actually see if we can help.
I know someone who was in this position and she took her kids to the housing association, stood there and said " they're yours, house them, I am sick with worry, there is nothing I can do, take them, I'll sleep in a bus shelter" Can you imagine? I can't actually but it worked...she got a house.
I know it is tough, I know there is a shortage of housing but it isn't impossible, I know they can do it, somehow. So they need to do it because I simply cannot, I do not have it in me to go through the whole degrading process of trying to convince rental agencies that we are good people, good tenants, reliable people. Waiting and wondering and hoping and praying and then being told no, again, not good enough, again. Then, maybe we ARE good enough, hooray, someone lets us rent their house, pay the mortgage for them, love their house and look after it. Stick with all their requirements and rules. Grow to love the house and then SMACK....get out.....move...do it again.......I can't . I really can't. The house is sold, my soul isn't.