If you're happy and you know it...

You might like to leave because I am so annoyed this is the only place I can think of to let off steam before I punch someone. ( H)
I will say first, that I understand that there was a good intention behind what annoys and saddens me right now but in this instance, because I so clearly stated that I did not want help, I am merely angry and very sad.
I am not a computer geek. I know what I know and it is enough to do the things I want to do, the things that I enjoy online.
I have favourite websites ( 3 actually, not so many) and I have favourite blogs. 73 at last count. I have them saved, where I can find them easily and click and read and leave and be happy.
Most of all I have my photographs, every one right where I want it. Each one, cropped, edited, saved, named, in files that I know, remember can find and use, I can post them, send them to be printed, share them, delete them. I CAN FIND THEM.
This is MY laptop, pretty much the only thing in this house that is MINE AND MINE ALONE.
I am precious about it and I make no apologies for that. There are 3 other working computers in this house, all are grander than my laptop, 2 of them are considerably more expensive, considerably more flash and gadget filled. 2 of them are IN THIS VERY ROOM.
I do not allow games on this laptop and to use it you must ask my permission. It is MINE. Ask and you might recieve. Tamper and you shall face my wrath.
I don't care about new downloads or faster this and thats, I could care less about GBs and techno babble. I just like MY LAPTOP, the way it is, the way it works, the way IT WAS.
This morning, again, just like a few weeks ago, I came down and H, bless his heart but damn his interference, has changed it all again. Downloaded some new programme that will 'make it all faster' make it all SO MUCH BETTER....NO! IT WON'T!! What it has done, just as it did last time he changed it all, is just CHANGE IT ALL. Everything has gone. Everything. All my pictures. GONE...oh saved somewhere right over there in that expensive extra hard drive, OVER there, not HERE ..not on my laptop where I can GET TO THEM! Not anywhere accessible to ME, the person who took the bloody pictures, who saved them and edited them and put them WHERE I COULD FIND THEM!
I have no blogs in my favourites, not one...oh yes, there is a little file box on my new screen saver, the new one, with fish on it, not the old one with Jordan and Eli on it, the new one with all the short cuts muddled up in a lump on the left, not the old one where they were right where I expected them to be, oh no.....a folder named OLD FAVOURITES is right there ( or is it named old FAVORITES because American people spell things differently to English people, even on an English persons laptop....yep. just checked and all my blogs and links are in the Old FAVORITE folder. ) so I can go and click and save and do that ALL OVER AGAIN because what's an hour or 38 between family when it will all work so much better now?
I liked vista, there I said it. It worked, perfectly for me, it did what I wanted it to do, every single time. I would open my laptop and click and I was transported to the place I had chosen to go to. Every simple, single time.
I could close my laptop down and miracle of miracles, when I came back, it was waiting for me.
Then H helped me and changed it to windows something or other because he has that and he LIKES that and it has been the bane of my internet existence ever since, my laptop freezes, it dies and won't turn back on, I have to remove the battery and shut it all down and then restart it and here we go again...that was annoying but I knew ( eventually) what I was doing and it annoyed me but I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!
This morning, I wake up, come down and see fish..and my heart sank, I saw a sweet note saying " I downloaded ( whatever the hell it is this time, who knows or cares really") for you, it should work better now " and I felt a fleeting moment of "aww " before the much stronger, much longer lasting feeling of "ARGH!" set in.
Why don't people in this house ever listen to me? I mean really listen. I could sit for hours and tell you how every person under this roof ( and not under it, if I gave birth to them) thinks, how they feel, what irks them, what makes them happy.
I know how H works, I know that he doesn't like me buying him clothes and even though I often see shirts or trousers I know he would love and I am sure he owuld look GREAT in, I don't buy them because HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT.
I know he doesn't like potatoes and would rather have rice, I know he doesn't like certain TV shows, so I won't watch them if he is in the room. I know he doesn't like door slamming ( too bad sometimes, better than punching someone in the face, though considerably less satisfying)
I know that he doesn't like eating out in England and I suffer that because I love him, I go with other people.
He doesn't like big family outings and even though that makes ME sad....I let it go.
So, why, WHY is it SO hard for him to hear what I say? Why can't he grasp that even though it is alien to him, even though HE doesn't feel that way, I DO.. AND THAT IS PERFECTLY OK.
I don't care if there is a new programme, couldn't give a stuff how many features it has, I don't want it. I like what I like, I want what I know and what I want more than anything is for him and everyone else in this family to appreciate that this one thing, this one little box with it's lovely screensaver, chosen by ME..is mine.
Just mine.
Stick with your fancy schmancy top of the range newfangled thingamajig, change IT as often as you like, store all your stuff on whatever hard drive you like, in whatever corner of whatever room you choose but LEAVE MY THINGS ALONE! I can't even download music onto my iPod who in the name of all that's stupid am I ever going to find MY photos when they are hidden in that box thing that isn't, in anyway, attached to MY computer, oh I am just so MAD right now.
I know that crying over this for the last hour or so is ridiculous, it's a small sweat get over it. To me though, it is so much more than the fact that yet again I have lost everything I saved on MY laptop, it is the fact that yet again I have been ignored and made to feel as though my feelings don't matter, made to feel as though what I want doesn't count because I just don't get how much better it will be now. I do not want to be shown how right you are...let me be happy in my stupidity.
I am so tired of endlessly trying to be tactful, think of other peoples' feelings, be considerate, thoughtful, patient when quite clearly, no-one else in this house gives a toss.
Annoying that H was sleeping when I came down today, infuriating that by the time he comes down I will be ready to find the kindest way to tell him how displeased I am, I am sure that because I do that, because I am always so careful to word things the way I wish they would be said to me, that is most likely the reason why it doesn't sink in, if he were to be faced with a scarlet faced, raged filled me, yelling about how he DIDN'T LISTEN AND LEAVE MY DAMNED LAPTOP ALONE!!!!! He might remember.
Perhaps the " that was so kind of you, but" approach isn't working because he hears the " That was kind of you" and switches off.
I am safe putting all this down into words because he won't read it, too many words, not enough pictures.
Match made in.....where was this match made? Some kind of warped joke shop is my guess.

Is it nearly spring?

What a day, a really, really loooooooong day. A sluggish and miserable, bad tempered day.
I have no idea why the day was so horrible, other than it started with Seth and his sunday sickness, every single week he tells us how ill he is, how bad he feels, how hot his head is and every week we ignore him or tut tut about how its Sunday and he always feels ill on Sunday, this week though his little lymphangeomic eye was indeed swollen, proving that he wasn't faking it today.
I was already dressed in my new one size smaller skirt and my 2 size smaller shirt, had my make up on and was ready for church. Oh well, never mind.
Also, I had one of those dreams that feel so real, that leave you feeling worn out and all out of sorts. I dreamt that I was pregnant, bad enough at 46, amazing that for me, that could ever be a nightmare but I can honestly say that whilst I can imagine worse news, that would send me over the edge of reason. Add to that the fact that bizarrely I appeared to ( in my dream!) have had a fling with a weedy 17 year old, pasty skin and nondescript looks. Oh my heavens, that dream was so fraught, I had to wait until the baby was born to see whether it would have pale skin and blue eyes or have the same colouring as the boys and H. I have felt all miserable and bad all day after that dream!
Yesterday the paperwork came for the next tribunal type day at the benefits agency, the one where I plan to just tell them to keep the damn money, that making myself better and being able to plan without thinking how bad it will look if it appears that I am behaving happily! Anyway, in there is a copy of the last meeting, where Dr nothing wrong with her describes me. Remember how last year I was unkempt and depressed looking? This year I have a mask like expression... which actually may well be true, as soon as I saw it was him that was to interview me, I gave up, I didn't answer him properly and I felt myself staring ahead and thinking about what to cook for dinner.
Last week I was talking to someone from church, I was saying how, lovely though our ward is, glorious though the people are, I don't feel as if I belong, I go and I sit and I can pretty much guarantee that if I sit on my own, in a pew...I will stay alone the whole time. I will go and sit with someone and they don't look horrified or move but nobody ever chooses to sit next to me.
He didn't bat an eyelid and said " well I expect they are afraid of you, do you think they are scared of you?" WHAT? What's to be scared of? I am NICE I tell you. NICE and unscary and SIT NEXT TO ME YOU WIMPS!
Here I am, thinking that actually I am doing all right, I am cheering up, making myself get out there and do things and all the bloody while everyone is looking at mask face scary lady who must be avoided.
Ever think it's all too hard to bother with?
I couldn't be bothered today, can't be bothered to dish up that soup, already made and wholesome, ate a roast pork and pickle sandwich ( with bread....what? Who said bread makes me irritable? SHUT UP!) Meh...dinner? For everyone? A whole family that like different things? Oh ...so tired, is too much trouble......Mac and cheese, EVERYONE likes Mac and cheese. So Mac and cheese it was, even for me. Oh my poor stomach, it just can't take that kind of stodge anymore, but I showed it who is boss and I ATE IT! I showed it what for and now....am so stodgy and sick and weary and heavy and GRUMPY! So I ate some chocolate to lighten things up, which meant that all bets were off and if the kids left anything alone for more than 3 seconds I hoovered it up, even though it was making me ill and more and more CROSS!
I am losing weight, who knows how much in numbers, but I am thinner on my arms and face and legs, the middle bit is still as big as ever it seems, I look like an olive on a cocktail stick...I feel bloated and did I mention GRUMPY?
I had all kinds of tests the week before last, cultures and swabs, poking and prodding and all came back fine but still my poor insides are all out of sync , I feel uncomfortable and sluggish and well, GRUMPY.
It's the time of year I know, everyone is miserable and waiting for spring, Sophie and I were out on wednesday and the sun shone and suddenly it felt as though there was hope. Happy things to come. Oh if only it would just get here already. I want the hope and happiness. NOW dammit. I really feel as if I can't do this any more, drag myself through this miserable bloody winter, day after day or greyness and cold, wet and miserable. I can feel the desire to just hole up, eat mashed potato, stew and dumplings, cakes and hot chocolate and watch movies, until april, when it may or not be sunny and fresh.
I bought a 'walk away the pounds' DVD, lovely Lorraine Kelly, I even bought the resistance bands to help me, no jumping about, just walking and stretching and do-able things for a creaky old mare like me, I put it in today, to see what was expected of me and I sat and said" Oh shut up" and hit eject. I am a delight to be around, even I want to get away from me. Is it nearly spring?

Back to the future ( or at least the present)

The thing about dragging back memories and recalling past times ( which is the same thing, get me trying to be all literary and wordy) is that you can't pick and choose which memories to bring back.
With all my reminiscing over the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with not only remembering the moments where I shone, where I was the victor and held my head high, I have remembered how I felt back then, how utterly and soul destroyingly shattered I was.
This isn't a good thing ( in case you're wondering) and so I shall be endeavoring to ram all those miserable memories back where they belong.
Out of nowhere today I felt as though I could go mad. Isaac was having one of his days, where on a good day he exasperates me, his relentless determination to cause chaos and disruption. Normally a delicious boy, every now and then he has a moment where the devil makes him do it, whatever 'it' is at the time. Today it was just to annoy his brothers, to tear drawings, jump on games, pull away blankets....all the while making that insane fake laugh sound. I hate that bloody noise. Telling him to stop makes him do it more, ignoring makes him do it louder and because my head is so full of miserable memories and misplaced ( 18 years ago, get over it) rage at the fates that befell me. I snapped...... he drove me past the point of being reasonable. I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and picked him up......my face level with his, he was STILL laughing at me and dear Lord, in that second I understood how people can lose control long enough to do real damage. I felt as though all that hatred was focused on this child.
I didn't do any of the things that my rage wanted me to do, what I did do was put him outside the room and warn him that if he came back inside before I told him he could, he would be in more trouble than he could ever imagine...and therefore, so would I.
Thankfully, although he was still smirking, he got the message and he stayed outside the room for 10 minutes until I said he could come back in and he had calmed down enough to behave well.
Moments like that scare the life out of me. When I see how close I can get to just not hanging on
The thing is, when push came to shove I DID hang on, I did stop myself from doing what would have been unforgivable, how do you stop yourself before it gets to that stage though? Any ideas? I feel as though my head is so full of crap that I can't think straight anymore.
I want this week over, I want to be done with all the tribunal and the proving myself rubbish. I am who I am, I am sick of having to tell people who I am and what I am and how I do this, that and the other. I am tired of answering questions and wondering if I said the right thing. I'm just bloody tired of it all.
So I can't even be bothered to write this anymore, I'm just getting more and more narked and there's no-one here but me to take it out on, which is just as well but not at all satisfying. There are times, not too often thank goodness, when I really long to just let go. Just be insane and enjoy it, punch the buggers out ,walk away and not feel guilty. ( and I should say that when I say the buggers I don't mean my kids, I just wish they would be perfect and sweet and tidy so that I would never feel like throwing them out with the recyclables. I mean every other bugger, of which there are many, oh so very many)
So, I am away to fester in my misery, brought on by stupid raking up of old stuff that is so best forgotten. I hope tomorrow I have forgotten about it all again. What do you think? Yes, me too.

Look into my eyes....

If you do you might flinch, I think the devil is behind them today. I am to be avoided. I would avoid myself if I could but I can't, every time I try there I am, getting in my face and making me hate me even more than I already did.
I hate the kids too today, they are not making me laugh or have fluttery moments of fluffy love, they are making me want to leave them and run away with a very rich, blind, deaf man with no hands oh and sterile would be very high on the list too, trust my luck to be whisked away by Mr Perfect only to get pregnant at 45.
I am sitting here watching bloody NBA, because H is at a church meeting that I should also be at but it involves many children between the ages of 8 and 12 and, well no matter how many blessings might be waiting for me in heaven, I couldn't chance it, I am having trouble with my own, forget trying to block out the noise of anyone else's.
I am watching NBA because it is the one thing that usually keeps Seth and Isaac quiet ( barring the odd YEEEEEES!) for an hour and then it is 8pm and I can put them to bed. They are doing well but that other one that shot out of my poor over taxed Va-jay-jay less than five years ago is making up for their good behaviour. He has been very poorly and today is feeling better, I wish he was still drooping all over the sofa with snot up his arms ( Mummy! mummy! My arms are all dry, oh my arms.are.all.dry........snot, dried and tight up his arms, lovely) he seems to feel the need to try and get in all the 48 hours worth of noise, mayhem and mess he skipped.
Even with his cute hair cut and big old eyes I cannot see the sweetness, the puppy eyes are not making me melt, I want to poke him.
H politely refused my offer of a ride to his meeting, I suspect that the very idea of walking, with iPod plugged in , away from this house and my voice and their mess and the atmosphere, which if the knives, for our safety and protection weren't hidden, you could cut, filled him with much joy and I am not expecting him home in a rush when his meeting is done, I can imagine him taking the long way home, through fields and industrial estates. If he can find a mountain, I imagine he will come home via it.
There are 14 kit kats in the kitchen, for packed lunch and I think if I eat all of those I might feel a little more love in my heart for about 3.4 minutes, until I finish them and am disgusted with myself.
I am a little drawn to all those diet shows, "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!" and while everyone else is recoiling in horror at the tables laden with the sinful fat persons table, groaning under the weight of all that revolting and stomach churning greasy and disgusting food, I am thinking "ooooooh, crisps and look BACON.....ahhhhh chocolate biscuits and CURRIES, wonder what we have in the kitchen"
I am watching a show called superskinny vs supersize, where they lock an anorexic person in a flat with a massively obese person, they have to prepare the food they eat every day and MAKE THE OTHER ONE EAT IT! Can you imagine? It is a hoot, skinny little twig people eating enormous pizza for breakfast and taking 3 hours to do it, while weeping...and a fat person being handed a plate with 4 brazil nuts and 8 raisins...and laughing, til they see it is for real and then weeping.
I would SO go on one of those shows if they didn't all insist in having you stand in your under garments and have a camera zooming in, from an angle on the floor.....going around and around and zooming more. To begin with, my under garments are not flattering ( blissfully comfy and cover all though, so points to them for that) and then we have the wobbling bits, the flappy bits, the pitted bits and lets not forget the SCARS...oh the scars, if you were to join my 3 scars together they would measure nearly 6 feet. Yes, taller than me.
I bought some bras in the states, man they know how to support your boobs over there, these are substantial over shoulder boulder holders, I kid you not. They would not be featured in a sexy underwear magazine though.
I would be good on those shows because I would give entertainment value, especially if my period was due. I would dispel all myths of fat people being jolly, in a minute, leaving no doubt.

Oh it is so quiet. Thankyou. They are in bed, I am grateful for autism, routine and medised that dries up snot and induces sleep, quickly and effectively .... I might have a slug myself later.
I like the boys a bit more now. Seth has been delicious, Isaac not bad but that other little sod, my goodness he really pulled out all the stops. In a few minutes he spread popcorn all over the front room, managed to sneak in a yoghurt that I found with a rubber sting ray swimming in it....but not in a pot.
On days like today I could quite easily be a needy type of wife and beg H to promise he will never leave me, or get a job or go for a walk and leave me with these boys because, even though I raised the other 3 on my own for 10 years...I could not do it again. Not with the same results anyway. I can picture these boys turning into neurotic psychopaths if they were raised by me alone , raised by H alone they would be intellectual killjoys who hide when that L.O.V.E word is mentioned. They need us both to cancel out each other, I mean compliment each other.

H is home, which proves that he loves me and I have taken a very long time to write this blog, I did spend 20 minutes with my mum, who was having a panic on the other end, so worried was she about her trials that she could barely speak and because I am a good and thoughtful daughter I side tracked her by telling her all MY problems and made her see that life could be so much more difficult because whatever else is happening in her life, she does not have puddles of yoghurt with sting rays in them or popcorn stuck to her socks, when she said goodbye she was breathing and talking about every day things and even smiling ( you can hear smiles can't you, I read the other day that we should smile as we answer the phone because people can tell, only problem with that is when its a telesales person and they think they've hit the jackpot, all I have to say is that I live in rented accommodation and on benefits and they hang up, marvellous, then that makes me smile and we've gone in a lovely circle.)

I have been finding old friends through the dreaded facebook, that baffles me but how splendid to see people that were so in your life and then sort of drifted out again.
Blimey, look at me, writing this may have cheered me up a little bit, perhaps those kit kats are safe after all.
There are just some days that knock the stuffing out of you, this was one of them, days where we should just stay in bed and read a good book without wringing our hands in guilt. It's hard to find things to be grateful for on days like today, but even in the midst of my darkest moments this evening I was still grateful for rechargeable batteries.

One down.....

A week has passed already, on sunday we leave this heavenly haven and head for Grandpa's, which will be..what? Not sure. At all.
This is bliss and I think I will remember the glorious feeling of returning every evening, weary and foot sore, to find a beautiful clean room, fresh beds, creatively folded face cloths and towels, that we left soggy and crumpled in the bath, new and clean, folded and waiting to be used once again.
every second of this hotel stay has been worth the money, the boys ( well and us of course but somehow it doesn't seem to be such a positive thing to admit that we adults are scarfing enormous meals at 7am) eat the hugest breakfast of fresh fruit, bacon, eggs, cereal and pancakes and we all head out on whatever adventure we plan for the day.
We have seen such excitement and joy over the smallest things, having planned on taking them to sea world, we went to Redondo Beach on tuesday and saw dolphins and sea lions playing right before our eyes....how can paying $300 to sea some captive creatures performing tricks ever top that?
We are, I think going to a wildlife park tomorrow. Things have been topsy turvy because of Rob's turning up, the fact that as soon as we left him at the train station he went right back to grandpa's house has messed it up more. He doesn't want to be with us, I think he just wants to be at grandpa's where he remembers being happy ( or at least free to be a bugger, who knows?) It is somewhat reassuring to see that despite appearances, he is still 'well' enough to do exactly as HE pleases and to hell with the rest of the world. Reassuring and incredibly annoying, he is still calling the shots from behind his slumped demeanor and, I suspect, laughing at us while he wins. Funny how, even in his paranoid and hidden world, he clings to his cell phone and uses it often ( does that smack of a little maybe not as paranoid as he may give the impression?) He said yesterday that he needs to head back today, very good, I hope they will exchange his unused ticket from sunday, or someone who is less sceptical will pay for it, my hands are staying firmly in my pockets holding onto my cash, thankyou very much. I paid for Sunday's debacle, that's enough from me for this trip, wouldn't you say?
I am feeling a little weird about this trip at the moment, being at grandpa's yesterday brought out a lot of the old H which never was particularly appealing to me, this house is one of bigoted and sexist attitudes where women are inferior and totally not understood. I found myself sinking into that old feeling of being worthless, how a 10 day stint will affect me is to be seen. I can't say as I am looking forward to it at all.
the room we are to sleep in houses a desk and computer, it has junk and more junk and a blow up bed in a box. It will be a sharp shock after this suite at our glorious hotel.
Elijah, at least has softened towards the dogs thank the Lord, yesterday he discovered that rather than savage and untamed beasts, they are actually fluffy and friendly miniature poodles ( and a dog that is uncannily like Santa's little helper on 'The Simpsons') he touched them and beamed with the pride at such bravery and then began to chase them. This could turn out to be a good, or a bad thing, we'll have to see. I rather enjoyed the carrying him in, sitting him in a chair and watching him sit still for 2 hours in case the dogs ate him. He somehow thought the carpet was a rabid dog infested area and must be avoided at all costs, if he dares to move he would leap from couch to chair, making the dogs think this might be a great game.....and jumping in to join him, oh the screams.
I am hoping that I can get to the house when the others are out, that way I can sneak over to Marilyn's and between us we can set up some kind of sleeping arrangement that will be a fait accompli......for some reason, everyone truly believes that this one blow up bed ( albeit a good one) is more than enough for 5 people. It is not. I look at the box and can feel the scorching hatred ooze from my mind and soul. A woman of my age and size should never, no NEVER be asked to even contemplate a blow up bed of any description, to have to share it with a husband and 3 children...WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING????
Marilyn has suggested once or twice that I just leave them to it and stay at her house, which is looking very appealing to me! The thing is, the blow up bed has no bedding, not even a sheet, are we to lie right on the rubbery topping and cover ourselves with a thread bare towel? What? Sleeping bag? I am even looking on craigslist for beds or sofa beds because I am not, absolutely
NOT sleeping on that bloody poncey lilo.
If I can get over there and Marilyn and I can set up a room that is acceptable I might start to relax about it, right now every time I walk into that room ( that must be about 12' x 91) and try to imagine how we will all fit, my stomach burns with the heat of a thousand ulcers ( peptic ones if they hurt more than regular)
Kara and I went through the fridge yesterday, we found lunch meat that expired in Oct 2005. H and grandpa were horrified that we threw it away because it wasn't even blown out or green, nothing wrong with that! I am on a losing streak here people.
I do know that we have it right, living in the UK and coming here for a doozy of a holiday is perfect. I am loving every moment of it but have no qualms about travelling home again in 2 weeks.
I hope H returns to his English living self quickly when we return, the American testosterone, selfish, arsehole version is not so much to my liking. He is slightly sheepish this morning after my pointing out the error of his ways last night, I'm sure after 20 minutes on the road later he'll be right back into arsehole mode. I shall worry not, I have the bank card and have no fear of using it, amazing how THAT can wipe the smile off a chauvinists face isn't it?
If there are a few things that make me turn into a snarling witch it would have to be these things,

Treat me as though I am stupid. Then duck, or hide because that WILL get you a smack.

Treat me as though I am inferior to you. Try it and see.

Tell me how to spend MY money when it is ME that has scrimped and saved and worried and managed to somehow do it all. Don't try this at home, or away-- because that's like daring me to spend money I don't have, just to show you.

Make plans that involve me but don't bother to tell me, then expect to have a nice day, with me tripping on silently behind. Ha ha....you think?

Ignore me when I talk to you.

There, am ready for the day now. we all know where we stand, don't we? Rolled my sleeves up and fastened on my bank cards, I feel some retail therapy calling me, a rather fabulous outlet place is the plan of action. Ahhhhhhhh, I feel myself relaxing as we speak.

think I feel a bit sick......edited to whine some more!

The good news is, we won't have to show anyone else around, we can live like pigs and boil fish and throw chip wrappers on the floor.
I am probably a bit annoyed that no-one tells us anything, I took Eli to nursery and came back to see the sign. I say probably because to be annoyed would take energy that I don't have, I use all my energy scratching my arms and dry heaving.
We are naught but a detail that pays rent while being tossed aside. Oh well, now we HAVE to get a council house, right?
I never ever want to feel this helpless again ( but somehow I feel it isn't over yet)
I see, as time goes by that this thing has been planned meticulously by our landwoman( not feeling like she a lady much at all right now) right down to when she would get our last rent cheque. She won't go without a blasted penny while we scrabble around trying to get what we need to move to wherever we get put. She's perhaps not as stupid as her letters make her appear, maybe she just can't transfer that sneaky onto paper.
I have been a scrubbing demon this morning....my home smells divine, I was about to have a lovely nap to make up for not sleeping last night, now I am all stomach knotted and fretful......bugger.
I think, in a minute I will convince myself that this is a good thing, all the wondering taken away, and no more strangers parading through the house etc. just looks kind of scary to see SOLD outside the window and still not have any idea where we are going.
I don't like this ride. there isn't even a sturdy railing to hang onto while we are being catapulted towards uncertainty, pity there's no stop button, we on it til it flings us off.

*************************************************************************************

this really is horrible, I called the council to make sure they had the papers I took in yesterday, yes, they do. Then we begin the chicken game again.....
** just slotting in here with a word, if any comments or emails tell me to get a job, send H to get a job so we can buy a house, I will track you down and punch you. I am aware that if we worked it would be easier to rent or buy but we can't work, we are decrepit and sick and at the very bottom of the usefully employable pile. Sucks but there we are.**
So he said " so you should use your time wisely " ( oh, you mean scrubbing and packing and scratching and explaining to children who ask over and over where they are going to live that we don't know but it will be OK) he also said " just because they sold doesn't mean you have to move out.....get them to pay your deposit for a new rental, find a new rental, stay where you are and make them take you to court ( oh right...court costs and lawyers and eviction orders and bailiffs, yeay just what we need, shut up and get me a damn house!!)
then I got the talk about how few houses there are and how he will be working on our case tomorrow but he can't speed anything up because it can't BE speeded up and maybe I should use my time wisely and find myself a house.
CHICKEN! You'll break before me....betcha can't hang about and wait, betcha you go out and find a rental before I get off my arse and find you a council house and even if I had one here right now I wouldn't tell you because we want you to find one for yourself and not make us sweat and move and actually see if we can help.
I know someone who was in this position and she took her kids to the housing association, stood there and said " they're yours, house them, I am sick with worry, there is nothing I can do, take them, I'll sleep in a bus shelter" Can you imagine? I can't actually but it worked...she got a house.
I know it is tough, I know there is a shortage of housing but it isn't impossible, I know they can do it, somehow. So they need to do it because I simply cannot, I do not have it in me to go through the whole degrading process of trying to convince rental agencies that we are good people, good tenants, reliable people. Waiting and wondering and hoping and praying and then being told no, again, not good enough, again. Then, maybe we ARE good enough, hooray, someone lets us rent their house, pay the mortgage for them, love their house and look after it. Stick with all their requirements and rules. Grow to love the house and then SMACK....get out.....move...do it again.......I can't . I really can't. The house is sold, my soul isn't.

If you can't say something nice, then don't say nothing at all.......

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Ever had one of those days? Right.
I am having one of those lives right now. It's enough to drive a whole family crazy because I just cannot lift myself out of it.

H fixed the washing machine today, yeay. I can do laundry again without endlessly moving the dial thing and jiggling it to try and get it to empty. Fluff, in the drainy hose thing. Clear now, have lovely spinning machine again and how depressing is THAT when it is quite the highlight of your life?

Is sunny though. Hooray.

Oh.... I have developed a massive case of hypochondria, this week I have M.S. due to a horrible development in my legs. They have stopped being merely restless and have new things happening. Weird things, the twitching still happens but is so horrifically painful I am near demented, also it feels as though boiling water if being poured along the outside of my left foot. Then......my left leg keeps collapsing, no warning just walking along, minding my own business and FLOMP, down I go. Not the whole me, just the left side in a drunken sort of staggery trip. THEN..... here I am, heading in a straight line, or meaning to and where do I actually go? to the right, sideways......whey hey! better than a fairground ride because it is FREE and it's just me that gets to ride it. Wouldn't be so bad except I never get to even sniff anything remotely alcoholic, bar the odd swig of night nurse. Drunken staggering without the heady buzz bit. Lucky me. Anyway, in a dull moment, google painful stabbing legs and burning sensations and you get M.S, which means I must have it, google never lies does it? I didn't even google the drunken swagger, just the pain and stabbing and burning and lo and behold, they threw in the staggering bit as a freaky bonus prize.

On that note, because I have run out of even grumpy things to say, I am going to go and watch Eastenders because when in misery you can watch that and see that it could always be worse.