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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Back to the future ( or at least the present)

The thing about dragging back memories and recalling past times ( which is the same thing, get me trying to be all literary and wordy) is that you can't pick and choose which memories to bring back.
With all my reminiscing over the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with not only remembering the moments where I shone, where I was the victor and held my head high, I have remembered how I felt back then, how utterly and soul destroyingly shattered I was.
This isn't a good thing ( in case you're wondering) and so I shall be endeavoring to ram all those miserable memories back where they belong.
Out of nowhere today I felt as though I could go mad. Isaac was having one of his days, where on a good day he exasperates me, his relentless determination to cause chaos and disruption. Normally a delicious boy, every now and then he has a moment where the devil makes him do it, whatever 'it' is at the time. Today it was just to annoy his brothers, to tear drawings, jump on games, pull away blankets....all the while making that insane fake laugh sound. I hate that bloody noise. Telling him to stop makes him do it more, ignoring makes him do it louder and because my head is so full of miserable memories and misplaced ( 18 years ago, get over it) rage at the fates that befell me. I snapped...... he drove me past the point of being reasonable. I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and picked him face level with his, he was STILL laughing at me and dear Lord, in that second I understood how people can lose control long enough to do real damage. I felt as though all that hatred was focused on this child.
I didn't do any of the things that my rage wanted me to do, what I did do was put him outside the room and warn him that if he came back inside before I told him he could, he would be in more trouble than he could ever imagine...and therefore, so would I.
Thankfully, although he was still smirking, he got the message and he stayed outside the room for 10 minutes until I said he could come back in and he had calmed down enough to behave well.
Moments like that scare the life out of me. When I see how close I can get to just not hanging on
The thing is, when push came to shove I DID hang on, I did stop myself from doing what would have been unforgivable, how do you stop yourself before it gets to that stage though? Any ideas? I feel as though my head is so full of crap that I can't think straight anymore.
I want this week over, I want to be done with all the tribunal and the proving myself rubbish. I am who I am, I am sick of having to tell people who I am and what I am and how I do this, that and the other. I am tired of answering questions and wondering if I said the right thing. I'm just bloody tired of it all.
So I can't even be bothered to write this anymore, I'm just getting more and more narked and there's no-one here but me to take it out on, which is just as well but not at all satisfying. There are times, not too often thank goodness, when I really long to just let go. Just be insane and enjoy it, punch the buggers out ,walk away and not feel guilty. ( and I should say that when I say the buggers I don't mean my kids, I just wish they would be perfect and sweet and tidy so that I would never feel like throwing them out with the recyclables. I mean every other bugger, of which there are many, oh so very many)
So, I am away to fester in my misery, brought on by stupid raking up of old stuff that is so best forgotten. I hope tomorrow I have forgotten about it all again. What do you think? Yes, me too.

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Blogger *~*Zann*~* said...

(((((HUGS))))) my friend. (And, of course, prayers.)

12:06 am  
Blogger sarah said...

Helen you dont have to answer to anyone. Dealing with what you deal with i am sure is no easy task. As I know it is not with my kids. Hang in there

1:53 am  
Blogger Julie Q said...

What I do, when I've absolutely had it, is go in my room, turn on my music. Loud. The loudness replaces my anger and the music calms me down.

And the older kids, they know when I do that, I've had it.

((((Big Hugs))))

Good luck with Jordan tomorrow!!

2:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We forget that we are human once we become parents.

Wanted to send you a hug.....


2:39 am  
Blogger LosingSanity said...

Hugs for you! Hope you are able to close the floodgates and send the bad memories packing and may the sun shine brightly, just for you!

2:42 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lots of good comments. I will try Julie's and see if it works for me. My kids definately don't understand it when I have had all I can take. I hate thinking back to this times when I was so downtrodden in my life also. I wonder to myself what was wrong with me that I would take that kind of crap from anyone. Even at my worst now, I can't imagine it. Perhaps I am there again and I just don't see it.

9:45 am  
Blogger TN said...

Hoorah for you Helen! You survived all of the bad things that happened to you! I cannot imagine going through all of that. You are a stronger woman than me. Clara

2:30 pm  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

{{hugs}} when pushed came to shove you didn't shove back. That's HUGE.


2:44 pm  
Blogger zdoodlebub said...

Hugs from me, too. And I'm going to try Julie's suggestion, too!

10:21 pm  

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