Is it nearly spring?

What a day, a really, really loooooooong day. A sluggish and miserable, bad tempered day.
I have no idea why the day was so horrible, other than it started with Seth and his sunday sickness, every single week he tells us how ill he is, how bad he feels, how hot his head is and every week we ignore him or tut tut about how its Sunday and he always feels ill on Sunday, this week though his little lymphangeomic eye was indeed swollen, proving that he wasn't faking it today.
I was already dressed in my new one size smaller skirt and my 2 size smaller shirt, had my make up on and was ready for church. Oh well, never mind.
Also, I had one of those dreams that feel so real, that leave you feeling worn out and all out of sorts. I dreamt that I was pregnant, bad enough at 46, amazing that for me, that could ever be a nightmare but I can honestly say that whilst I can imagine worse news, that would send me over the edge of reason. Add to that the fact that bizarrely I appeared to ( in my dream!) have had a fling with a weedy 17 year old, pasty skin and nondescript looks. Oh my heavens, that dream was so fraught, I had to wait until the baby was born to see whether it would have pale skin and blue eyes or have the same colouring as the boys and H. I have felt all miserable and bad all day after that dream!
Yesterday the paperwork came for the next tribunal type day at the benefits agency, the one where I plan to just tell them to keep the damn money, that making myself better and being able to plan without thinking how bad it will look if it appears that I am behaving happily! Anyway, in there is a copy of the last meeting, where Dr nothing wrong with her describes me. Remember how last year I was unkempt and depressed looking? This year I have a mask like expression... which actually may well be true, as soon as I saw it was him that was to interview me, I gave up, I didn't answer him properly and I felt myself staring ahead and thinking about what to cook for dinner.
Last week I was talking to someone from church, I was saying how, lovely though our ward is, glorious though the people are, I don't feel as if I belong, I go and I sit and I can pretty much guarantee that if I sit on my own, in a pew...I will stay alone the whole time. I will go and sit with someone and they don't look horrified or move but nobody ever chooses to sit next to me.
He didn't bat an eyelid and said " well I expect they are afraid of you, do you think they are scared of you?" WHAT? What's to be scared of? I am NICE I tell you. NICE and unscary and SIT NEXT TO ME YOU WIMPS!
Here I am, thinking that actually I am doing all right, I am cheering up, making myself get out there and do things and all the bloody while everyone is looking at mask face scary lady who must be avoided.
Ever think it's all too hard to bother with?
I couldn't be bothered today, can't be bothered to dish up that soup, already made and wholesome, ate a roast pork and pickle sandwich ( with bread....what? Who said bread makes me irritable? SHUT UP!) Meh...dinner? For everyone? A whole family that like different things? Oh ...so tired, is too much trouble......Mac and cheese, EVERYONE likes Mac and cheese. So Mac and cheese it was, even for me. Oh my poor stomach, it just can't take that kind of stodge anymore, but I showed it who is boss and I ATE IT! I showed it what for and now....am so stodgy and sick and weary and heavy and GRUMPY! So I ate some chocolate to lighten things up, which meant that all bets were off and if the kids left anything alone for more than 3 seconds I hoovered it up, even though it was making me ill and more and more CROSS!
I am losing weight, who knows how much in numbers, but I am thinner on my arms and face and legs, the middle bit is still as big as ever it seems, I look like an olive on a cocktail stick...I feel bloated and did I mention GRUMPY?
I had all kinds of tests the week before last, cultures and swabs, poking and prodding and all came back fine but still my poor insides are all out of sync , I feel uncomfortable and sluggish and well, GRUMPY.
It's the time of year I know, everyone is miserable and waiting for spring, Sophie and I were out on wednesday and the sun shone and suddenly it felt as though there was hope. Happy things to come. Oh if only it would just get here already. I want the hope and happiness. NOW dammit. I really feel as if I can't do this any more, drag myself through this miserable bloody winter, day after day or greyness and cold, wet and miserable. I can feel the desire to just hole up, eat mashed potato, stew and dumplings, cakes and hot chocolate and watch movies, until april, when it may or not be sunny and fresh.
I bought a 'walk away the pounds' DVD, lovely Lorraine Kelly, I even bought the resistance bands to help me, no jumping about, just walking and stretching and do-able things for a creaky old mare like me, I put it in today, to see what was expected of me and I sat and said" Oh shut up" and hit eject. I am a delight to be around, even I want to get away from me. Is it nearly spring?