On yer bike!

So I went to get weighed today. All I can say is I am SO glad that I haven't been weighed since Christmas. I have lost any weight I gained over Christmas but am the same as I was 4 weeks ago. Still the same.
Which is GREAT...if I think about how I could be heavier than I was, I can't help but think of how I have wasted those weeks.
This road is so long and if I had reached an ideal weight I would be thrilled at how easy it is to maintain this weight! This has shown me that when I reach a weight I feel good at, I can stay that way. I know now how to do that.
I am nowhere near an idea weight though. I haven't 'chosen' a weight I want to reach, I am doing this one week at a time, hoping that each week is a good one and one that lifts me a step higher in my quest for a greater self esteem.
I have, I would imagine, at the very least 70lbs to lose. If I could lose a lb or two every week that would be great, it would take a while but I would get there and I would slowly but surely see a progress. I have seen a great change so far, my health is much improved, my happiness is greater and firmer, not shaken so easily.
I have been static for too long ( again, I am reminding myself that I haven't been static I gained and lost again.)
I have to start again, go right back to the absolute beginning where I didn't keep telling myself that 'this little bit won't hurt'. For me, right now, every 'little bit' hurts what I set myself as a goal.
I have to exercise but weight bearing exercise really hurts, I know if I lose more weight that will get better.
I need to get an exercise bike or rowing machine and I have to make myself use it, when the weather is better and I am lighter maybe walking will work better for me. I just can't quite bring myself to pay for something that may well end up as a clothes horse. I know, I know, if I buy it maybe it will encourage me to use the thing.
I know I have to do more than just watch what I eat now. I also have to watch what I eat now!
The past 2 weeks I have been bored with the vegetable soup and so I have eaten other things, I have also been eating bread again. Not huge amounts of bread, not even a lot of bread, maybe 3 or 4 slices a week, that is too much for me, it bloats me, it makes me irritable but OH HOW I LOVE BREAD!
I have to go back to what works for me and give up those things that take me away from what makes me feel better.
There are days when it all seems so HUGE, when I have days like today I just make myself look ahead a year, I could be further along, lighter, healthier, thinner.
I could be exactly the same as I am now.
I could be fatter, slower, more miserable, less healthy.
The next year is going to happen, whether I like it or not, it will pass, it's how it passes that counts.
The great thing about that is I get to choose, it is entirely up to me. Hooray!
The grumpy thing is it doesn't sound like fun to me right now.
What I need to do is change my way of thinking again. I have to try and get back that positivity, rather than this awful dragging my feet feeling.
I'm not going to try.
I am going to do.
I am going to work out tonight, when everyone has gone to bed, a plan. A new approach because clearly, I have become weary of the one I have been following for the past few months. It worked until recently and now it is soooooooooo boooooooring.
A change is as good as a rest, they say.
I can allow myself to feel hard done by, or excited.
I can feel miserable and resentful, or blessed.
I can whine and grumble, or sing.
I can do it, or not.

It is unbelievable to me how my mood is directly related to what I eat and how I feel is directly affected by how I think. I just forget exactly how much control I have over all of this. I slip back into the poor me mentality without realising.
Poor me, I am so fat. Poor me it's so hard. Poor me I want to eat THAT and I CAN'T because POOOOOOOOOR ME!
Well, poor me nothing. I live in a country where incredible foods are easy to find. I am able to buy whatever foods I like, I do not believe that it is too expensive to eat well....chocolate costs more the cabbage, crisps more than pears per unit. I can cook, I can and do make delicious healthy meals, there is no poor me here. There is nothing stopping me eating chocolate and crisps, chips and pizza....I can do that if I want to but I can't eat it and then cry because poor me, I am still fat and this is so hard and so impossible and I can't doooooooooooo it.
I can choose. I want to choose and I am here to remind myself that I want to choose to continue to be successful, I no longer choose to crumple and give in.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Wonder what I can eat tonight....just kidding!