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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Swings and roundabouts.

Some grumpy stuff
All morning I had the voices, those nagging miserable thoughts that were telling me what a waste of time it all is to even try and lose this amount of weight. Reminding me how often I have tried, and failed, how slow this is and how long it will take. A small thing started it, I washed my fleece jacket and dried it in the tumble drier, it shrunk, it is tight and the sleeves are short....oh how that made me feel like crap. That led to all the old feelings of how useless and fat, ugly and hopeless I feel.
This is when, ordinarily I would give in, oh it's too hard, why bother when it's obviosuly a waste of time blah blah. This time though, my head is fighting back. For every " ugly/ fat/ useless" thought there is a " well stuffing your face won't change THAT will it?"
For every " What's the point, you've never managed to lose all the weight before" there is a " So? this time can be different, can't it?" Even a " look, give in and go back to how it was...then what? More self loathing and misery, even if you don't lose another pound, you are better and healthier than you were 6 months ago" and so I carry on.
My legs and back have been so bad this week, so much pain. It seems that the leg pain is related to the back, nerves are trapped and so as the day goes on the nerves are pinched and send pain to my ankles and make that spasm thing happen. This week has been awful and my first reaction to feeling pain of any kind, is to comfort it with food, sad ? Eat. Hurt? Eat. Miserable? Feed it. I can cook such great food and I love to do it and I love to eat it even more! This week I have made some great dinners and a fabulous soup but I didn't give in and bake, no fluffy cakes, no cookies, no rice short blasts of heavenly comfort.
I want to kick it all up a notch but even walking makes my legs and back hurt more, the flip side to that is, the weight I am is contributing to the back pain, the more weight I lose the less I will hurt, maybe it will be worth causing extra pain in the short term to help the levels of pain on the long term.
I am such a sissy though.

Some good stuff.
It is way too cold to go out in this weather with the boys, earlier this morning I went to the workshop and brought in a box of dinosaurs that have been packed up since we moved out of the barn, that's nearly 18 months....Eli can't remember ever seeing them and Isaac was more excited than I can remember him ever being about them. They played with them ALL day, hours and hours of nice playing, games and imagining and playing some more and sharing.





At dinner time, Isaac said to Seth ( who had joined in briefly once or twice and absolutely refuses to admit he ever loved dinosaurs and knew every name of every one) "Hey Seth! SETH! Let's put the dinosaurs into groups!"
Seth looked at him with such distain and replied " No, Isaac, we won't, we will not behave like autistic people!" Heh! What? Has he looked up autism online or something? Who told him autistic people like to line things up and group them? Also, how did he manage not to comment on H's panicked suggestions that we NOT put the meat eaters in with the herbivores......NO! Lets NOT......oh look you mixed them, we should sort them out again tomorrow, bring in both boxes, keep them SEPERATE!

Sophie brought Joshua up for an hour or so, he is delightful, completely divine and getting so big and boyish. He is over 23lbs and in the 90% for his height too, glorious hair and the sweetset disposition. ( unless he is cross and then he is quite formidable)

( Grandma! Tell him! He' touching my laptop!)

(That's better, I have to check my emails.)

( yeah, OK seth, I get it!)



I love the way this baby looks at me, he has that smile that makes you feel like you are the very person he has been waiting to see. Beautiful boy.

I hope that the negative feelings I have had pass quickly and that I am able to see the wonderful things more clearly. In the meantime I shall remind myself that it is only by feeling sad sometimes that we are able to see and appreciate the good times so much more.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the same problem with walking. It makes my back hurt later and my legs too. You really have some so far. Now is the point where you just have to push through a little. For the last year you have always had something to look ahead to and that helps to keep things on track. When there is nothing, that is hard. Find something new to focus on and look ahead to and that may help.
the Joshua boy is so scrumptous. That would make me feel better all on it's own.

10:55 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope those voices flee from you. Those aren't the voices of truth. I think the voice of truth knows how awesome you are and is so proud of how you're taking care of yourself. You are doing fantastic Helen. Absolutely fantastic. I am honestly in awe at your will and your drive.

The boys are simply adorable! I cannot get over how big Joshua is getting either. WOW!

3:05 pm  
Blogger sarah said...

hug helen! I know how hard at times this weight slimming down can be. Think of it as melting it away... for me i know if i lose my keys i get angry... i noticed everytime i said weightloss i got grumpier about it. so now i am on a slim down has been easier Go luck and keep you head up :)

4:24 pm  
Blogger TheAlbrechtSquad said...

Oh my goodness, that baby is just soooooooooooooo cute!!!!

I'm there with you on the weight, I'm working on it and when I have a bad day I just want to be happy with my food.

3:06 am  
Blogger Jackie said...

I know that feeling all too well my Helen! I have been fighting it for a while now. But I am conquering it - or at least I am trying. It is so nice to know that I am not alone! I, too, am hopeful that once I take this weight and get rid of it that my back will hurt less. I just am really lazy and hate having to work at things.

I spit my water on my monitor at Seth's autistic comment. Thanks for the giggle!

And that Joshua...O.M.G....almost makes me want another baby...almost! HA! He's so freakin' adorable...I would just gobble him up!

3:16 pm  

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